Estranged from narcissistic, toxic, adult children #1: Will pain stop?

In this series of articles I’m going to talk to and about good parents whose narcissistic, toxic, adult children are estranged.  A totally different situation is the good, adult children who need to get far away from narcissistic, toxic, controlling parents.

We feel crushed and heart-broken, the cruelty and pain is excruciating when our angry, vindictive, adult children threaten that they’ll never let us see our beloved grandchildren unless we accept guilt for all their emotions, bad decisions and failures; we accept repeated beatings (verbal and sometimes physical); we give them everything they want at the moment and kiss their feet whenever they want.

And they’ll change their demands in an instant.  We walk on eggshells so we don’t upset them.  But no matter what we do: we’re condemned if we do, we’re condemned if we don’t.  They always find a way to (mis)interpret our thoughts, words and deeds so they become enraged.  And then they attack us more.

They twist the knife of embarrassment, shame and guilt.  They delight in saying they hate us or they wish we were dead.

This isn’t what we hoped and dreamed about. It’s so unfair.  And it’s not right.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

Will the pain ever end?  No and yes.  
No, the pain never ends; just as it would never end if they’d been killed in a freak accident.  Only this is much worse because it never ends.  They’re always willing to stab us again.

Yes, if we do it right the pain will diminish until we’re able to talk about them without aching.  Yes, the pain will diminish and we’ll start laughing again, we’ll cry with happiness again, we’ll have more and longer times of pleasure and joy without thinking about them, they’ll become less important in our lives.

That may sound weird but it’s been true for thousands of other people who also loved their children and cherish their grandchildren.

Getting past the pain is a process.  There are as many processes as there are people in pain, but we can help speed up the process and the heart-damage.  The goal is always the same.  Creating a wonderful, rich and full life; no matter what.  And our lingering hope that we can be reconciled.

Stop thinking, “I’m estranged from my son/daughter.”
Start thinking, “My beloved and wonderful son/daughter has been taken over by a narcissistic, toxic alien and I hate being around him/her.”

That wonderful child you held, that potential you hoped and prayed for has been replaced by a cruel, vicious, bullying, abusive alien.  Or maybe they were always selfish, greedy and demanding, and you couldn’t rescue or save them from themselves.

Start thinking, “I’m giving my toxic son/daughter a time out until they behave better.”
Start calling them, “My TOC/TOD,” because they're in "time out!"

The old way of thinking triggers pain and grief.  The new way reminds you what you’re dealing with and what you want to push away from.  If only you knew how.  And had the strength, courage and determination.

As Judy Collins said about her son, “Some things, you never get over them, but you can get through them.”

To connect with a thousand people in the same situation, go to the Facebook group, "Parents Healing From Estrangement."

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Guilt: but you can't save some people

When Jane and Joan met there was an instant bonding because of their tremendous guilt. Jane couldn’t save her husband from his self-destruction while Joan couldn’t save her son from his.

No matter how hard they tried, no matter how many good ideas or money they gave, no matter how many sleepless nights and how much of their lives they sacrificed to focus on those men, no matter how they begged and pleaded, no matter how many resources and supporters they brought in, nothing helped in the end.

So now they were wallowing in guilt: if only they’d done more, given more, sacrificed more maybe it would have made the magical difference.

The huge cost of trying to save people from themselves.

1. Jane lost 20 years of her life as someone’s slave while she hoped he’d finally straighten out.  She endured harassment, negativity, control, bullying, abuse and domestic violence.
2. Joan endured years of criticism, yelling, selfishness, arrogance and lack of caring.  She lost her marriage and her other two children, now adults, always felt slighted and didn’t want to be with her.
3. Both had lost the central focus of their lives and didn’t know how to create a new world that might be rich and full and joyous for the second half of their lives.

Of course we try to save people.  When our kids are little we make them hold our hands crossing the street.  But at some point they have to learn to cross it themselves.  And some of them have to learn some lessons the hard way.  We can’t rescue them from the consequences of their own bad choices.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.
Until people start taking consistent, determined action, all the help you throw at them will be rejected.  Only after people show they can overcome hurtles and stay dedicated, can your help, resources and guidance be useful.

Guilt is motivation to do better.
But not necessarily to give more.  Maybe it’s trying to get you to let go of rescuing an adult who eats your flesh and to start taking care of yourself.  The question for both Jane and Joan is: what fills your spirit’s tank?  And how will getting past the guilt help them create new worlds for the rest of their lives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, controlling parents: Old cultures

Some toxic, controlling parents would rather ruin their children’s lives than see them succeed when the children disobey them.

Jay’s father and older brother were old school in their country’s culture.  They represented a view of family in which the father and older siblings were expected to run the younger one’s lives and in which the younger ones must follow their orders – or else.

Jay, at 27, was physically and mentally very capable.  He was qualified to get a job in hi-tech and desperately wanted one.  With his own money, he could move out of the family compound and make his own life.  He could individually chose friends, activities and wife.

Jay reasoned and argued with them for years, but they would never allow him to make his own decisions.  And if he tried, they would ruin him.  If he got a job on his own, they had enough influence in their city to get him fired.  If he disobeyed, he would bring shame to the whole family and break his mother’s heart.  He should feel guilty at the thought of disobeying his father’s commands.  Also, they knew what was best.  He would obey them or else.  

They would not allow him to have any money of his own.  A few times a month, they gave him a little money, but never enough for him to save.

They bullied, abused and controlled his every movement.  If he wanted to go anywhere, he had to tell them where and for how long he’d be gone.  And they checked on him.  He was not allowed to change his plan without their permission.  If he tried to escape, they called the police and had him arrested and brought home.

What could Jay do?

1. Ultimately, Jay had to give in and be a slave to their view of what he should do or he had to fight to the death to get free.  He had to have enough strength, courage and determination to escape slavery or die trying.  He had to accept the possibility that they’d capture him and bring him back.  But he had to keep trying.
2. Jay had to become clever and sneaky.  He had to plan in secret to get a job far away and make a run for it.
3. Jay expected them to pursue him.  It took a number of steps, but he finally found work in a city and then later in a country where they couldn’t use their influence to destroy his life.
4. Jay took the risk.  He was gambling with his future: flee from slavery and risk that he couldn’t make it on his own, without friends or family or their direction.  But the certainty was on the other path: stay controlled and be fed like a pet or a slave the rest of his life; not have a life of his own.

Jay represents hundreds of thousands of people who want a new culture: A culture in which they choose individually what they want and risk themselves trying to make it happen.  Like Jay, they want the freedom to fulfill their own individual destinies or die trying.  And they’re being fought by the old culture that wants to control their lives as long as they live.

As difficult as it was for Jay, it will be much more difficult for his sister.  Her father and older brother will see that she doesn’t get an education so she can’t support herself physically or financially.  She’ll be even more helpless.  Then they’ll choose her husband.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic teenagers: Who pleases who in the family

Jane’s 16 year-old son was clear: “I’ll do what I want, I don’t care about you, if you don’t like it you can’t do anything about it, I’m in charge of myself, I have rights so shut up.”  Actually, he blamed all his problems on her, cursed her more and then shoved her against the wall.”

Jane loved him and up until age 12 he was nicer to her much of the time.  But now he’d turned nasty and dared her to try to stop him.  He was bigger and stronger.  Mostly, he was angrier and hateful.  She didn’t know how to educate him or give him enough of what he wanted so he’d be nice to her.  His behavior was unacceptable.

She did notice that he was capable of controlling himself and even sucking up to people who had power in his life: teachers, rich grandparents, police.

This article is for parents like Jane who have given their children every consideration and advantage, who have given their children what they wanted, who have shown their children kindness and consideration.  This is for good, forgiving, understanding parents who gave their children too many chances

Jane had given her son all the power:

1. He was willing to go to any extreme to get what he wanted.  He didn’t think she’d be willing to do what it would take to stop him.
2. Jane was limited by her kindness, forgiveness and fear.  She didn’t want to ruin his life by calling the police or having him held for a psychiatric evaluation.

Jane realized she had two choices:

1. Give in for three years until he agreed to leave home to go to college or get a job.
2. Go up the staircase of firmness until he showed he what would stop him.

Jane finally realized:

1. The most likely possibility would be his living for free, leaching off her for years and beating her into submission.  It was domestic violence, only worse because it was a battering son not a battering husband.
2. She didn’t want to show him he could be brutal, selfish and narcissistic, bullying and abusive to her or any other woman.

She developed strength, courage and determination; he’d change his behavior or she’d get him out of her house and life.

1. She told him that now he was 16, only performance counted; not potential or promises.
2. She told him that the way he could earn privileges, like having his feelings and wishes counted, was by making good choices and showing good behavior.  As long as he was negative, hostile, angry, bullying and abusive, she’d think of him as a child throwing temper tantrums or having hissy fits.  She’d know she’d have to make every decision for him.  He’d get no privacy nor a vote on anything.
3. She told him that since he never accepted a code of caring and kindness to her, since the only thing he listened to was power, she’d use power.
4. When he ranted and raved at her and said she’d ruined his life, she said, “What have you done with the gifts you’ve been given?  How have you proven you’re worthy of respect or treats?  What have you done to deserve being listened to?”
5. She told him that it was a choice.  He could take charge of himself or sink to his lowest and most selfish.  But she knew he could do better.  There was nothing wrong with him.

Her repeated refrain became, “Make good choices.”

Of course, he didn’t believe she’d follow through, so he rebelled and treated her worse.  Then she called the police and social services.  She said, “I can lead you to water but I can’t make you drink.  However, I can protect my life from a predator and if that ruins your life and future, so be it.”  The calmer and stronger she got, the more he became convinced he’d have to behave or else.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Selfish, bullying teenagers in charge

Jane’s 16 year-old son had the power in their home.

He did whatever he wanted at the moment; he never cleaned his room, did his laundry, washed dishes or picked his stuff up from the living room.  After Jane allowed him to get away with that and more, he started telling her he hated her cooking, especially when she made a lot of effort, she was a rotten mother and she’d caused all the problems he had.  Then he broke her favorite lamps and vase, and kicked a hole in one of the walls.  Then he shoved her and slapped her.

Jane and her husband had never done anything particularly bad to their son.  In fact they’d given him everything he’d wanted.  He’d been a wonderful child, except for occasional tantrums until he’d become 15.

Jane didn’t know what to do, but she’d never allow her husband to discipline their son.

Jane wailed, “Is it too much to ask him to be nice once in a while?”

That was Jane’s problem.  She limited herself to begging their son to be nice to her.  There were never any consequences for her son’s tantrums, bullying, abuse or violence.

Why did her son treat her that way?  Every situation in unique but there are some typical reasons:

1. Jane and her husband had abused their son and his present behavior was payback.  Or Jane had not protected him from trauma when he was younger and he was now paying her back.  This was not the case.
2. Something was mentally or psychologically wrong with their son – sociopath or psychopath?  This was probably not the case since he could be charming in public and was a model student, academically and behaviorally.
3. He knew he could get away with doing anything he wanted so he vented his worst feelings on Jane.  He was too lazy and uncaring to make himself be better.

Why didn’t Jane stop their son?  Why didn’t her husband stop their son despite Jane’s commands forbidding him?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane didn’t want to go to lengths she thought were extreme, like calling the police when damaged the furniture or he hit her.
2. Jane didn’t want to ruin their son’s future by giving him a psychological or a police record.
3. Jane was afraid if she did anything strong to stop their son, he’d run away and ruin his life.
4. Jane hoped that, magically, one day her son would wake up and be the wonderful person she’d hoped he would be.  She believed that if she gave him enough or loved him unconditionally and completely, her son would become a wonderful person.
5. Jane’s parents had either ignored and deprived her, or punished and abused her, and she’d decided to be a totally caring, giving and forgiving parent.
6. Jane’s husband loved her and didn’t want to risk being the focus of her wrath.  He figured he’d endure for a few years more until the boy left home and then he’d be rid of him.

What can Jane and her husband do?  Again, every situation is unique but there are some typical possibilities:

1. Jane can continue giving in to the selfish, entitled monster she encouraged and enabled.  I’ve never seen this approach change these horrible teenagers.
2. Jane can start applying consequences.  Her approach was that their son had to please them in order to get anything he wanted or to avoid the police.  Any nastiness or violence would have strict consequences.  If their son escalated, they’d call the police.  And they would be thrilled at being in charge again.  They were challenging their son to develop self-control and self-discipline, to take charge of his behavior or to fail.  If he ran away, he could blame them but they wouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed.  They’d be heartbroken because he was a failure but they’d have a wonderful time together.  This is the only approach I’ve ever seen work.  And it did with Jane’s son.

Basically, Jane put burden of proof on their son.  She kept asking him, “What have you produced, earned, deserved?  What have you done with the gifts that have been given you?”  And she kept encouraging him by telling him he was too old to continue being a narcissistic, spoiled brat and she was sure he could take charge of himself.  .

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Loss, death, grief, depression and recovery

Jane retired from a long-term career and her last parent died at approximately the same time.  Her whole world became different.  Even though she’d prepared a long time for both events, she felt disoriented and alone; she didn’t know who she was any more.

We often feel the same bewilderment and grief when dreams are destroyed: we realize we married the wrong person, we finally divorce a bullying husband or wife, our children move far away, one of our children hates us, death of a child, a best friend turns hateful, we leave the culture we grew up in and make new rules and roles for our new family’s life.

Jane had family and friends but nothing altered the disorientation and emptiness she felt.  And it wouldn’t go away.

Of course these big life changes are disorientating and, of course, we feel loss, grief, depression, anxiety and disorientation.  And sometimes, guilt.  We need time before we can create another life for ourselves because that’s exactly what is happening – the creation of a new life in a new world.

Think of it this way: we live in a mental and emotional solar system as a planet revolving around the gravitational field of the sun we’ve put in the center of that system.  When we’re young we usually put our parents in that gravitational center – for better or for worse.  As we grow older we revolve around husbands, wives, children, careers and, especially, dreams of how things will be.

And when the sun is removed from the center of our solar system, even if by our own choice, we are cast adrift.  We wander in typical ways until we create a new solar system, with strong gravitational forces that keep us in a new orbit.

Notice the difference between the goal and the many possible processes and paths we use to get there.  The goal is a new life, a new solar system, a new sun around which we and our lives will revolve.  If there’s no compelling center in our solar system, no strong gravitational force, we can fly off in any direction and get lost in outer (or inner) space.

There are as many processes as there are people – some shorter and some longer than others, some easier and some harder.

A suggestion for the goal: put at the center of your solar system a wonderful future with you as the person you want to be.  Now that you’re an adult, you have the opportunity to use all the wisdom you’ve gathered all these years.  You probably have the scars to prove it.

Think:

1. How to you want to feel every day, every moment – wonder, awe, joy; alive?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
2. What do you want to think about (and what don’t you want to waste your time on)?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.
3. What do you want to do?  Make that a goal to attract and lure you.

It’s simple and clear.  Just not easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be now is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, adult children can hold parents hostage

Jean said, “I’ve lived my life for my children and I always will.”

That sounds like a sweet sentiment and many people in middle age still think it.  But Jean was paying a very heavy price for living it.

First there was the guilt.
After enduring years of emotional and physical criticism, hostility, rage, bullying and abuse, Jean had divorced her husband.  Her son hated her for that and always let her know she’d ruined his life.

Of course, she really hadn’t ruined his life.  She’d offered him an example of what bullies eventually get and she’d shown him a lifetime of decent, loving, caring treatment.  She’d sacrificed and worked very hard to pay for his college and also supported him as he got started in life, married, had a son and gotten divorced himself.

Jean had accepted his criticism and blame.  She must be guilty for ruining his life since she hadn’t done what he wanted and he was still angry about it.

Then came the blackmail.
Her son wouldn’t let Jean see her grandson unless she:

1. Gave him everything he wanted at any particular moment (money, sympathy, errands).
2. Endured his negativity, tirades and abuse whenever he felt like dishing them out.
3. Begged for his forgiveness the rest of his life.

He was clear; she’d never be able to do enough; she’d pay in any way he wanted for as long as he wanted.  She could see he was like an empty bucket with holes all through it.  No matter how much love, guilt, money she poured into it, she’d never be able to fill it.  And it was all her fault.

He was toxic, just like his father.

Jean couldn’t see how to set any boundaries without losing the connection to her grandson.  She was hostage once more to an angry, bullying person.

What’s missing for Jean is a wonderful, exciting life.
As long as Jean centers her life on making amends to her son and bribing him to let her see her grandson, she’s trapped.  As long as her only joy is her grandson, she’s held hostage.

Only after Jean expanded her vision and awaken once again to all the wonderful experiences she could have in her life, only after Jean removed from the center of her solar system the idea that her life depended on pleasing her son, only after she put her future joy in the center of her solar system could she set the necessary boundaries with her son.

Then she could give herself the gift of a wonderful life with the true family of her heart, mind and Spirit.  And get the opportunity to see her grandson.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation; especially how hateful and toxic your children are.  The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Kindle Book - "Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies," 2nd edition

“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: How to Stop School Bullies,” 2nd edition, is finally published as a Kindle Edition.  It’s a companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – 2nd edition

You can find it at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VDF8JA4

These books and some counseling and coaching will show you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:

• Taunting, teasing and fighting.
• A venomous Queen Bee.
• A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
• Emotional blackmail.
• School administrators (do-nothing principals)
• The most important decision for teenagers.
• Self-bullying.

Your children and teens need your guidance in order to learn how to succeed in the real world. Of course, we want all schools to prevent bullying. But that’s not going to happen soon enough for us. Your children and teens will face:

• Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
• Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
• Name-calling, putdowns, two-faced friends, condescending and scornful cliques, and ostracism.
• Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
• Cyber-bullies.

Before your children can learn anti-bullying skills and be effective in stopping bullies, they need to develop the internal courage, strength, determination and endurance to succeed. You can learn how to:

• Recognize the signs that your children are being bullied physically, mentally and emotionally, face-to-face or online. Get your children to tell you the truth even when they don’t want to. And when your children desperately need your help even though they may not want it.
• Use peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) as wonderful first steps. Sometimes they stop mild bullying. But your children and teens will need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined bullies. Recognize when you should intervene or when you should guide your children to stop bullies by themselves.
• Get evidence that will strengthen your case, even if school administrators don’t want to help. Don’t let do-nothing principals turn your children into victims.
• Help your children develop the strength, courage, will and determination they need to face a world that’s vastly different from the one you grew up in. Become a parent who can help your children be strong and self-disciplined enough so bullies won’t attack them.
• Help your children resist feelings of isolation and helplessness, overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, and increase their confidence and self-esteem. Help them develop a plan and master the skills they need to defend themselves.

School administrators are often reluctant to get involved in protecting targets of bullying. Some even protect the bullies. Lazy, cowardly or incompetent school officials are part of the problem that converts targeted kids into victims and suicides. Don’t let politeness, naivety or ignorance keep you from protecting your children. Rarely is bullying an isolated incident. Usually, bullying is a pervasive pattern because bullies know they have the real power and immunity at school.

Good parenting also requires you to teach your children how to succeed in the adult world at work and in their adult relationships with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you and your children can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop enabling narcissistic adult children

Narcissistic adult children demand you do what they want, try to control you, push every boundary, throw temper tantrums, blackmail you by withholding their love or your grandchildren, try to bribe you with sweetness and affection when they want something, and blame their behavior on you.

Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else.  They say your job is to make them happy.  They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

What a nasty and unending list.  If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt.  You don’t deserve to be used and abused.  You don’t owe them anything anymore.  Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants.  Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious.  They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault.  Their justifications will last forever.

I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children.  There’s no hope down that path.  Stop meddling and enabling them.  These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact.  Don’t debate or argue about who’s right.  Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves.  Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back.  Now you can enjoy the rest of your life.  You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications.  But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry.  Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now.  With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in.  And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums.  And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want.  And nothing is for free.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling parents

Julie grew up feeling like she was living someone else’s life.  She never got to determine how she felt and what she wanted to do.  She always aware that she should please her parents.

She had to do what her parents wanted in order to make them happy.  They yelled or hit her when she wouldn’t.  Or sometimes, they got mean or manipulative, using her shame and guilt to coerce her.  Even when they gave presents, she knew she had to go overboard in appreciating them, and later there would be strings.  They never gave anything without taking something in return or requiring some service of her.

Her parents were demanding and toxic.

When she grew up, she had managed to break away and make her own family, but she was constantly being drawn back into tasks to make her parents happy or to help them when they wanted.  They always had good reasons why she should do what she wanted the way they wanted her to.

When they got older, their requests got more numerous and demanding.  Julie finally realized that they didn’t have physical problems, they only wanted a servant.  And they never reciprocated.  Her feelings and needs simply didn’t matter to them.

When she learned to think of them as narcissistic control-freaks, her world changed.

She could see all the sneaky bullying and manipulation; all the criticism and negativity when she wouldn’t satisfy them immediately.  Actually, they were never satisfied.  As soon as she did something for them, they’d be back with criticism about how little she did or how poorly, and with new requests for more service.

According to them, Julie’s most important task in life was to make them happy.  That was more important than her marriage or her own children.

Notice, there’s no psychoanalysis of her parents.  Reasons and excuses don’t matter.  When Julie focused on their behavior, the whole picture became clear.  And she was able to take control of her own life and started honoring her own boundaries and needs.

I find the same patterns of selfish manipulation in all types of relationships: with spouses, dates, adult children and friends.  And, of course, in the workplace.

The best way to learn how to stop being used, manipulated and bullied is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"The Bully Business" is wrong

“The Bully Business,” in The Atlantic, by Cevin Solving is absolutely wrong.

Solving uses inappropriate analogies, like stopping head injury to boxers is the same as stopping bullies in schools.  And his underlying assumption about how to stop bullying in schools, shared by many people, is that we should find out why kids bully, give bullies what they want and then they’ll stop bullying.  His culprit is that schools control bullies too much; bullies don’t have enough freedom so they turn to abusing their peers.  He focuses on the wrong people; the bullies instead of focusing on the targets of harassment and violence.

The beginning of the solution is to protect targets and stop bullies.
Solving doesn’t consider this first step.  He assumes bullies are nice people and if they weren’t thwarted they wouldn’t turn to bullying to get what they want.  Evidently he doesn’t like the analogy with the kids in “Lord of the Flies” and all the rest of human history which shows that not all people are born nice, kindly and virtuous, and that civility must be taught and reinforced.

Principals, counselors, teachers and staff have a primary responsibility of protecting targets by stopping bullies and removing them.  Then education and socialization can begin.

Bullies must learn that their tactics don’t get them what they want.
My experience has been that an essential step in bullies’ education is when they learn that they get into more trouble if they continue bullying.  Then many become interested in learning other ways of acting.

The ones who resist this learning, the ones who continue bullying and who get more violent are not the kids to whom we want to give more freedom and latitude.  They are the ones who need to be removed faster.

First, protect the targets, the try to rehabilitate the perpetrators.

The best way to learn how to parent bully-proof kids and to develop a program to stop school bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting polite, loving bully-proof kids

All tactics are situational.

In the outside world, we want our kids to be polite and nice, and, at the same time, strong, courageous and determined enough to stop bullies.  There’s no conflict between those values although the kids will need different tactics when befriending other decent kids than they’ll need to stop bullying predators.

At home, the problem I often see is kids who are not polite and kind; they bully their parents and siblings.
These parents lecture their children about having respectful, loving behavior but allow them to throw temper tantrums even when the kids are grown up.  They allow their children to be negative, abusive, critical and sarcastic.  They allow their teenagers to curse them, threaten them, blame all their problems on them and to contribute no effort toward doing the household chores.

It’s as if these parents believe their task is to make things perfect for their children.  And unless they do, the children are entitled to treat them horribly and are allowed to fail in life because their parents weren’t what they wanted.  It’s as if they hope that if they love their children enough and give them everything and allow rotten behavior, one day the children will wake up and civilized and loving people.

I’ve never seen that tactic work.  I’ve always seen the opposite effect.
Children need to be trained to be social and civilized.  Many resist that training.  These children find it easier to be arrogant, selfish, demanding, narcissistic and hateful.  Civilized, respectful behavior takes much more effort.

If children are allowed to grow up expecting to be the center of the universe, expecting to be catered to and expecting to get everything they want to make them happy they’ll stay the same when they’re teenagers and adults.  They become narcissistic control-freaks.  They’ll threaten failure, suicide or beating you into submission.  Think Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka.”

The rule should be to treat your parents and siblings better than you’d treat strangers who have something you want.

The only tactic that I’ve seen effective is to set behavioral boundaries and maintain them with consequences no matter how much the kid’s throw tantrums.
You can’t beg or bribe children into behaving respectfully.  No matter how guilty they try to make you feel because of the bad things that happened to them, require civilized behavior at home.  Since you’re not a bullying parent, you’ll allow them more flexibility when they’re young, but the older they get, the higher the standards you must set.

These resistant children have a hard time between the ages of approximately 10-20.
When kids are young, we allow them to get away with more.  We see potential and we accept promises.  But between ages about 10-20, the whole world shifts for them.  Potential and promises are no longer enough.  Results matter more and more.

Especially at home, when they move through the teenage years we must pay only for performance.
Just like the world does also.

How to you know if your child is damaged beyond repair?

The best way to learn how to raise caring, polite kids and to stop selfish, hostile, bullying adults is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

History is not destiny

Bullies want you to give up.  They want you to think they’re more relentless; they’ve always won; you know they’ll again so why struggle or fight.  Resistance is futile.  They want you to think the future will be a repeat of the past.

Self-bullying and self-abuse follows the same pattern.  That negative, insidious inner voice tells you that you’ll never succeed; you’ve never kept your resolutions; you’ve never changed the things you’ve tried hardest to change; you have a defect inside that will destroy you.  You’re an imposter, a phony, not enough, bad.  Think of all your failures, the embarrassing moments, the people who turned away.  Resistance is futile.

That’s all wrong.

History is not destiny!

The message in all the great stories from all the great traditions is the same: Never give up.  Let nothing crush you.  Keep fighting because you choose to.

Whether you’re Odysseus or Neo from the Matrix; whether you’re Gandhi, Mandela or Scrooge; whether you’re Bilbo or Frodo or Aragorn; whether you’re Arjuna or Rama; whether you’re Joan of Arc or Sita or Parvati, whether you’re Arwyn or Tauriel; the message that matters is always the same.

Fear and despair are bullies.  Never give in to anxiety or depression.  Keep trying.  Keep fighting.  Count the victories more than the set-backs.

History is not destiny!

Give your all in service to your highest and greatest aspirations.

The best way to learn how to create and thoroughly enjoy the life you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Teen anxiety, depression, self-esteem, resistance

There are many reasons why intelligent, well-behaved children become teenagers riddled with anxiety, lethargy and depression, and full of resistance and rebellion.

One of the most common and overlooked is that these kids are faced with the biggest and scariest challenge in their lives and they’re afraid they can’t succeed.  So they hide behind selfishness and narcissism, and turn on their parents, their schools and anyone else they can in order to avoid the real issue.

The frightening issue is, “Can they make it in the real world?”

Naturally, since many teens are not sure if they’re smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough or strong enough, they get anxious.  Naturally, since they know the cowardly moments they’ve given into, the evil thoughts they’ve harbored and the bad things they’ve done, they worry that there may be something deficient or wrong in them.  Naturally, many withdraw into lethargy and depression, and then lash out to cover up their fear.

Stop fighting the easy fights.

• It’s easy to blame everyone else who hasn’t given them everything.  It’s easy to give up and turn on their parents with negativity, sarcasm, arrogance, harassment, bullying and abuse.
• It’s easy to try to beat their parents into submission, into giving more and more stuff, giving more and more chances, negotiating endlessly and never applying consequences that really matter.  Many parents hope that if they keep giving and they cater to their children’s excuses, someday their little darlings (no matter how old) will finally see the light and become hard-working, responsible, polite, caring adults.
• These fights are easy because they’re against loving parents who will eventually give in.

But these easy fights take up everyone’s time and energy, and enable teenagers to avoid the important and necessary fight, which ultimately must be fought successfully in order for that child to become a fully functioning and successful human adult.

Fight the hard fight: There is no other way to grow up.

• Help your children fight against a world that tests them to see if they have what it takes to be successful adults.  Help them face the most difficult challenge that the world poses.  This is the hard fight because the world doesn’t care about them and their feelings.  The world is interested only in results.
• Help your children by focusing them on the fight they really need to fight.  Don’t let the argument remain focused on you.  Keep the focus where it belongs.  “Do you have the resolve, resilience and relentlessness to succeed against the world?”
• The fight is against their own fear and cowardice.  Their confidence and self-esteem will follow their successes in facing this challenge.  Every challenge they face successfully will increase their confidence, esteem and energy to tackle greater challenges.

The fight against the world takes more energy and determination than giving up and whining and complaining.

Of course, we know 20-70 year-olds who are still bullied by their fears, still lashing out because they weren’t given enough, still a waste of potential for all those who love them.

The best way to learn how to help your teen fight the hard challenge is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

3 Rs: Life lessons to stop bullies

Bullies in relationships and at work try to convince you that you’re too weak or unskilled to resist them: They’ll win in the end.  They’re more determined, nasty, sneaky.  They want you to feel hopeless, helpless.  They want your logic and reason to convince you that resistance is futile.

Kids can convince themselves to give up.  It’s not worth the effort since the deck is stacked against them.  Life is too hard, they’re too weak or defective, people are too nasty.

The effective response in both cases, the keys to success are the 3 Rs:

1. Have resolve.
2. Be resilient.
3. Act relentlessly.

Those qualities are the engine we all need.

If we don’t have these qualities, we can’t make use of any help that’s offered.  We give in, we give up.  Even if we have a great plan, we don’t have the will and grit to carry it out successfully.  Failure is guaranteed.

If we have these qualities, we grab onto help that’s offered.  We keep trying.  We create surprises.  We can get lucky.  We can attract allies.  We can succeed against negativity, bullies and abuse.  We can succeed in life.

The best way to learn how to create the life your spirit wants is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Read case study #6 in “How to Parent Bully-Proof Kids.”  Also, read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Parenting tips: Don’t over-react

Did you ever look at your 4-12 year-old child and think: “He’ll be lazy or sloppy forever, he’ll never get a job, he’ll be financially dependent on me as long as I live, I’ll have him living with me forever.”  If you did (like I sometimes did) you probably overreacted to the situation in the moment and came down with everything you had in order to destroy the horrible movie you were playing in your head.  You criticized, harassed, yelled, bullied and abused relentlessly (as I did).

Of course, some of our fears do come out later as true.  But most of them don’t.

Don’t treat today’s problems as if they’re the end of the world and predict disaster forever.  But don’t let them slide by because you’re in wishful-thinking mode.

Some parenting tests:

1. If the kids are getting into trouble with the police or you think they’re really crazy or they’re involved heavily in drugs, alcohol, danger, rage and suicidal thinking, you’d better do something more than wishful thinking.  Since the problem is probably not ignorance of bad possibilities, the answer is probably not loud lecturing.  See case study #6 (“Teenagers most important decision”) in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  It’s available fastest from my website.
2. But for all the rest – not doing chores, or not interested in school, not thinking academically, laying around, spending all their time in athletics or on screens and video games, doing poorly on a test or in one subject, not following in the footsteps you’ve laid out as the Right way – don’t overreact.  Calm down and deal with it as serious, but not the end of the world.

In the second set of examples, I begin by trying to find solutions that don’t label the child as having something innately wrong with them (like overreactions and visits to a shrink will label them).  Instead, help them see the problem as a challenge and skill that’s difficult for that particular kid to learn.

We all have those areas that are more difficult for us.  So what?  That simply means we have to work harder in that area.  That doesn’t mean we’re retarded or defective or evil or guaranteed to fail (or, at least, guaranteed not to get into Harvard and, therefore, guaranteed to fail).

Don’t lose it.  Don’t make war with your spouse over the best way to proceed.  If you split apart, you’ll never help the child.

Help the kids find models of great people who overcame similar difficulties.  Connect them with a sense of inner determination, courage and strength.

If these first approaches don’t work, then we’ll need to move up a response-staircase with guidance.

The best way to learn to solve your specific parenting difficulties is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic adult children throwing temper tantrums

Just like he had when he was 6, Julie’s 35 year-old son still tried to force her to do what he wanted by:

1. Beating her into submission with rage, tirades and vicious verbal attacks that stimulated her guilt.
2. Looking so hurt and crushed that she felt sorry for him.  She felt compelled to rush over, tell him she loved him, kiss the boo-boo and give him whatever he wanted.
3. Giving her the very loud, silent treatment until she capitulated.

She was so exhausted and depressed by his endless selfishness and relentless criticism, she gave him a deadline to move out at the end of the month.  There was nothing physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him except that he still wanted to be taken care of and get his way about everything like a spoiled little boy.  He’d been living off her and much too close for too long.  She wanted her own space and her own life – peace and quiet at last.

But she was tormented by:

• Guilt (”Mothers love and take care of their sons forever”).
• Fear (“What if he failed on his own or wouldn’t let her see her grandchildren after he married and had kids).
• Shame (How would her friends judge her; maybe as a mother who’d failed).

Finally, she was so tired of the endless negativity, harassment, bullying and abuse that she’d had enough.

She found the key to success in standing up to him was to let go of the responsibility for making him happy and for making his life work.  The only way for him to stop being a little child was for her to stop being the mommy who protected his feelings and made his life work.

Some of the attitudes and tactics that helped her were:

• She never justified, debated or argued about her reasons for setting the deadline.  She simply said she wanted it that way.
• Her spirit soared when she started mocking him, with a loving tone, when he acted like a little boy.  She kept smiling as she said, sweetly, “Stop throwing a temper tantrum” or “Stop throwing a hissy-fit.”  And then she calmly asked him if he needed a “time-out” in his room or she walked away.  Those childhood words made her point.
• When he broke his silent treatment in order to criticize her, she laughingly reminded him that he was giving her the silent treatment.
• Her gentle mockery became a challenge to her son.  And she also used those words, “I’m challenging you to act like an adult.  I know it’s hard for you to grow up, but it’s time.  You’re a guest in my house.  Act like a good guest for your last days here and maybe I’ll invite you to dinner sometime.”  Also, she said she’d like a loving, adult relationship with him, not a “mommy with a little boy” relationship.
• She never to asked him about his plans or reminded him of the looming deadline.  He’d only interpret that as weakness on her part.  She had to follow through even if he had nowhere to go; no extensions.  And she had to convert his room immediately into something else so the message was clear.
• She told him repeatedly she knew he could do it.  He’d faced and overcome many challenges before and this was simply another one.

Her good cheer in the face of his childish attempts to force her into submission showed him his old, childish tactics were no longer effective.  Previously, he’d been the one who persevered longer, but now she had more tenacity and determination.

Her friends congratulated her for finally throwing him out, like they wished they’d done earlier with their children.  The child had to be kicked out of the nest in order to learn to fly.

The best way to create a space that uplifts your spirit is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Empty nest: What next together?

The big question and fear in middle age is age and stage appropriate.  The kids are grown and leaving, for better or worse.  You’ve completed this part of your life.  The time for change has come again.

So, what next?  What do we want to do – together or alone?  Don’t decide in the confines of your own mind.  Dialogue together over time.

The first stage of your life was “student.”  You grew up, went to school and prepared for adult life.  For better or worse.

The second stage was “householder.”  You got a job or career, got married and raised kids.  For better or worse.

Now life rolls you into the third stage, ready or not.  The kids leave or you throw them out.  You’re no longer needed as the mommy or daddy who’s responsible for everything they do or for protecting them from the pitfalls of life or who’s necessary to teach them how to make good choices and to succeed.  In fact, you probably realize that there are some lessons they simply won’t learn from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from life.

You’ll always be their mother or father, but you don’t need to be on call whenever they sneeze.  What does an adult relationship with them look like – day-by-day, week-by-week?

So what do you do with your partner/spouse for the next 40 years?  You know each other well in the old roles.  You both know how to say the wrong thing, you know how to make the crushing put-down, you know how to start a fight.  You know each other’s tendencies, hopes, fears and struggles.  You know what’s easy and seems to come naturally, and you know what’s really difficult.

You can fill your time with the old mommy/daddy roles or pressure them to have grandchildren so you can slide back into comfortable roles giving and caring.  But maybe it’s time to step back and ask, “What have we each been hungering for all these years?  What does my spirit want me to develop?  What do we want to do together?  What do we want to do apart?  How to we make this happen in a loving way?”

If there’s any love left between you, start courting again.  Remember, you used to be excited to see each other, you used to bring interesting things to each other, you used to suck it up and be cheerful no matter what was happening, you used to be polite.  Start doing these alluring things again.

Hold hands while you have the important, deep and sensitive conversations.  Start talking without having a fight over who’s more reasonable or right.  Remember, you once got together because it was fun.  How can you have fun now?  Have a date.  Have two.  Do one each week.

Even if the together part is only 25% at first, start there and see where you want to go.  Explore, one step at a time.  Don’t think 40 years ahead.  Think 3-5 at most.  Think of ice cream and walks.  Plan as interested and encouraging friends.

On the other hand, if you’re way beyond hate, figure out how to go your separate ways without proving who’s right.  Negativity, criticism, righteousness, blame, shame, guilt, harassment, bullying and abuse are not going to help you or the kids – no matter how tempting.

Age and state appropriate development again, just when you thought you had it all figured out and nothing would change for the next 40 years.  For better or worse.

The best way to plan for a rewarding rest of your life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new Kindle book, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Righteous narcissists know what's right

Who gets to vote on what you want and what you should do?  Who gets to tell you what’s right or best for you?  Who do you listen to?

Shelly analyzed every decision with her family and friends.  Then many of them told her what she should do.  She felt compelled to share her thoughts with them.  After all, how would she know what’s best if she didn’t hear all their opinions?  Some of them even got angry when she didn’t follow their advice.  Others were furious that she didn’t follow the scripture they thought was definitive.  All of them thought they had authority over her and she should follow it.

Shelly eventually realized she was spending her whole life explaining and analyzing her motives, and trying to find a decision that would satisfy all of them.  But she could think of the many decisions that went wrong trying to satisfy everyone.  She knew that approach destroyed her confidence and self-esteem.  What a waste.

Shelly realized there’s a difference between:

• Asking what other people would do in the same situation.  And understanding that they might have very different values, standards, hopes and fears than she did.
• Getting an expert opinion in an area where that’s valuable and also getting a second opinion.  But she wouldn’t ask her car mechanic about his recommendation for clothes or for her love life.
• Asking other people what’s Right or Best.
• Exploring possible consequences with people before she decided.  That’s called “getting information.”
• Being in charge of her life; living her life the way she wanted based on what she decided she wanted to try.

Narcissists and the righteous always know what’s Right and Best for you.  And you’d better do it or else.  They’re abusive bullies.  They’ll criticize and harass you until you do what they want.

Shelly decided she must stop trying figure out what was Right or Best in every situation.  There wasn’t a Right or Best for most of the decisions she wanted to make.  The future was not certain and all those decisions were actually being made in the face of the unknown.  She realized all the questions were really about which paths she wanted to try and which risks she wanted to take.

She also decided she was wasting her time analyzing everything in public.  She saw her days and weeks had been spent with her friends and family analyzing every detail; even endlessly and fruitlessly reviewing events that had happened decades ago.  She felt she was spending all her time like people watching TV shows about celebrities or the ones where people yell and attack each other because they won’t do what they want them to do.  What a waste.

Shelly responded to an inner call to create a new culture for herself.  She loved the statement made by Cora in the movie, “Last of the Mohicans.”  Cora says, “The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.”  Cora will follow her own judgment, not the other people’s.  She will not let the “experts” rule her life.

Shelly also decided to follow her heart and spirit.  She developed the courage to resist the righteous and narcissistic ones of her friends and family.  Actually she stopped talking with them about what she was thinking; no matter how much they tried to pry.  And she didn’t give them the right to vote on her life.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Blood or behavior: which matters most?

Jerry’s family was so mean to him that he wanted to live thousands of miles away and have a secret identity so they could never find him.

Jerry couldn’t understand why they did what they did.  His parents would yell at him and at each other.  They’d make promises to him and then deny them.  They’d say they loved him and then they’d be relentlessly negative and critical.  The nicer he was, the meaner they became.

His brothers and sisters were manipulative and stirred up fights.  Everyone had secrets and trapped Jerry in the middle of the weird games they played.

Jerry always tried to reason with them but logic never helped.  They’d get angry and explode, or they’d get hurt feelings, cry and sucker Jerry into trying to make them feel good. They always had reasons and excuses for why they were so mean.  It was never their fault; someone else was always to blame for how nasty they were.

How can parents and family not care about you?
Jerry and his wife were at their wit’s end.  They couldn’t understand why his family was so mean.  They thought if they could understand, they could do something to make peace.  But nothing they did managed to change his family’s behavior.

They finally concluded that Jerry’s family members cared only about the feelings they had right at the moment.  They didn’t cared about acting consistency or keeping their words or about Jerry or about any standards of polite, kind, civilized behavior.  Jerry and his wife felt their flesh was being torn by hyenas.

On the other hand, Jerry and his wife had great friends.  They had fun with them and if there were any problems, they were handled above board and with no manipulation, lying, bullying or abuse.

“Family takes care of family no matter what.  Family comes first, no matter how rotten they are or how you feel.”
That was the rule Jerry had been raised under.  As long as Jerry kept that rule, he’d be at the mercy of his bullying family.  Jerry and his wife wanted to turn their backs on his family but he was stuck emotionally.

It would be a huge transition, turning away from a culture that had lasted thousands of years in order to turn toward the new way of being Jerry wanted.  He’d be pitting his personal vision against the many voices trying to drive or drag him back to the old ways.  He would have to be brave, determined and strong.  He’d have to become the hero of his own life.

“Good behavior counts more than bad blood.”
That was the rule Jerry wanted for the rest of his life.  He would never let anyone, even relatives, who behaved badly close to his family.  When his children were old enough to see what was going on and to see how Jerry’s family tormented their parents, Jerry finally had to confront, as an adult, his old family rule.  Did he want to spend his life stuck with the old rule or did he want to choose to live the rest of his life with his new rule?

Jerry decided his most important values were

• Setting the best example for his children about what environment to create for them.
• Protecting and defending his family from people, including his parents and relatives, who he saw as crazy or savages.

He would stake out his own way against the old ways.  Jerry’s wife was thrilled.  Since the problem was Jerry’s family, she felt she had to wait for him to act.  She didn’t want to be the lightning rod for his family’s attacks by putting Jerry in the middle.  She’d stand with him but he had to be willing to stand up first.

This decision opened Jerry and his wife’s hearts toward each other and ended the fights between them.  Now they had to figure out how to do it; how to disentangle themselves from all the tentacles that had been strangling them.  Simple and clear but not easy.

The best way to learn how to create the life and space you want is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to deal with the specific situation you’re in.

Read my new ebook, “How to Stop Sneaky Bullies.”  Also, since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.