Bullying is the bully's fault

When confronted by relentless bullying, many people think that they must have done something wrong.  Covert, sneaky bullies are especially good at stimulating self-doubt, insecurity and guilt.  People think they must have been bad to the bully and that’s why they’re being harassed, abused or bullied.  

But that’s far from the truth.

Over 90% of the people who come to me with such thoughts have actually done nothing bad.  In fact, they’ve gone out of their way to be kind, accommodating and friendly to their oppressors.  They’ve tried to debate, argue and prove they’re nice.  They’ve negotiated and compromised repeatedly.  But they never got decent treatment, appreciation or respect in return.

Relentless bullies and control-freaks are never convinced.  Of course not.  As long as bullies’ attacks keep you on the defensive, they win.  Why should they stop beating you into submission?  They get what they want.

Bullying is the fault of the bully.  Bullies always have their narcissistic excuses, reasons and justifications.  Typical is the abusive spouse who says, “It’s your fault.  You made me do this to you.”  Nonsense.  Bullying is their fault.

The only problem (not fault; simply problem) their targets have is that they don’t give themselves permission to push back or they don’t know how.  Their task is to learn how.

For that 90%, once they’ve given themselves permission or the command to protect themselves, to create a bully-free “Isle of Song,” they can learn the skills they need to carry out an effective plan.

Just because it’s that simple, clear and easy to understand doesn’t make it easy to carry out.  Especially if you’ve trained bullies to think they can win if they’re persistent, they won’t make efforts to communicate, they won’t be honest, they’ll ignore previous agreements and they’ll keep pushing your boundaries.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic spouses, parents, children, friends and coworkers is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Trust your accurate intuition and people's track records

Many people argue about whether you can and should trust people, or whether you can’t and shouldn’t.  Those are the wrong questions because they require you to reason your way to a generalization about all people and then to attach a moral judgment to the conclusion.

Better questions are:

To read the rest of this article from the Charlotte Business Journal, see:
Trust your accurate intuition and people’s track records

1. How accurate are your estimations about what people are likely to do?
2. Based on experience, who can you trust to do which specific behaviors?  Notice there’s no moral judgment attached to the estimations about what people are likely to do or to your tactics for responding to those conclusions.  The considerations are not about whether to be nice and give people second chances.  The questions focus on behavior, not whether the person is good or bad.

The same considerations apply with friends and extended family. We know people who:

1. Are relentlessly negative, critical, harassing, abusive and bullying.
2. Are selfish, demanding and explosive, and won’t build bridges.
3. Can be counted on to have a good time but never pay their share of the bill, and never return borrowed things or money.
4. Volunteer but then never show up.  Or they show up late, are distracted and spend the whole time talking instead of working.  Or they show up drunk.

Use your powers of observation and deduction.  Who can you lend money to and expect it returned?  Who won’t return the money, turning your loan into a “gift” or forcing you to engage in a fight to get it back?  Who can you count on to fulfill their commitments?  Who will leave you hanging?

In a new relationship, when you discover that the other person is unreliable, greedy, devious, back-stabbing or wrong and stubborn, rethink the arrangements.  Do you want to live with the arrangement -- knowing now what to expect, or to try to change them or build a bridge or extricate yourself?

What if the person in question surprises you by doing well this time?  Don’t take that to mean they’ve changed forever for the better.  Extend them credit a little at a time.  They have to prove they’ve changed over a long time before you should trust them with big bucks or your reputation.

The best way to learn how to use your accurate intuition and good judgment in the workplace and in your personal life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Caring for toxic, abusive, aging parents?

Paula Span’s article for the New York Times, “A risk in caring for abusive parents,” raises a question many people face or will face soon.  Will you care for your abuser?

In my experience, no matter how long and hard we think or debate it, no matter how many studies we make of it, there is no one-right-answer.  Your situation is unique to you, them and the circumstances.  Your choice is your choice.

In my experience, parents who harassed, abused, bullied and beat you when you were young – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – will still do the same when they’re old, by whatever means they can.  They’ll still be demanding, narcissistic users.  They’ll still try to criticize you, manipulate you, control you, embarrass you, guilt-trip you and take all your time and money.

Just so you know what you’re getting yourself in to.  You’re putting yourself in the hands of the people who tried to make you their slave.

Of course, you don’t want to do it.  Of course, there are thoughts that you’re being selfish and ungrateful; you owe them.  Of course, you know who told you that so long ago.  Of course, they say they’re dependent on you, you owe them and taking care of them is the moral thing to do.  Of course, I don’t believe a word of that.

And of course, you’ll get depressed if you do it.  You’ll think they always win and you always lose.  They always get what they want and you always pay for it, one way or another.  You’re sacrificing your life, your happiness, your family for their wants again.  You still can’t make them pay for what they did to you.  There’s no justice or mercy.

So if you choose to take care of your abusive, toxic parents do it with a clear vision of what will happen.  And, if it gets too difficult, you can stop.  Or, maybe, just don’t start.  Sometimes it’s easier to love people when they’re thousands of miles away and you don’t have to speak to them.  Especially people you don’t like.

The best way to stop being used by toxic, bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

Being critical is important to success.  You need a critical, negative filter to help you see what might go wrong.

However, you also need to stop people who use relentless criticism and negativity to build their own unofficial kingdoms and power.  They’re not interested in creating anything.  They’re only interested in being the king or queen of the sandbox.

To read the rest of this article from the Nashville Business Journal, see:
Beware of relentless critics who really want to rule the office

For example, Harry is proud to be known as “Mr. Negativity.”  He rips everyone else’s ideas and plans to shreds and attacks the “idiot” who came up with the idea.  Loudly and obnoxiously he makes people look weak, foolish and stupid.

Harry is overt.  But Helen is sneaky.  She smiles sweetly when she cuts something or someone to ribbons.  She talks behind people’s backs and always drops embarrassing reminders of past failures.  She justifies her actions by using values everyone believes in – preventing embarrassing mistakes and making the team more productive.

Their unending criticism is directed at undercutting the authority of managers they don’t like.   Harry and Helen never compromise.  They always have good “reasons” for what they do.  Other people are always at fault.  Other people should change to make them happy.

The Harrys and Helens of the world create fear and submission.  They’ve discovered that when they’re displeased with everything, people try to please them.

Why do weak supervisors allow their power to be usurped?  See the article for details.

These power-hungry, negative, critical, harassing and bullying people won’t change.  Gentle guidance, appeasement, begging and bribery won’t satisfy them.  They know they get more of what they want – turf, control, power – by continuing to complain.  If one complaint is satisfied, they’ll always find a new one.  They create hostile workplaces.

We can try to get along with people who also try to get along with us.  But we shouldn’t waste our lives trying to satisfy people who’ll never be satisfied unless they rule the whole kingdom.

The best way to learn how to stop relentless critics and to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Righteous people at work will self-destruct

Jared and Jason had a big problem.  They “knew” they were always right.  And, of course, that was their big mistake.

Ultimately, it cost them their jobs.  But they caused a lot of pain and disruption before that happened.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
Righteous people at work will self-destruct

According to Jared, Ann’s word was her word.  So he emailed her what he thought.  He wrote, in so many words, she was a liar and unethical; deceptive and sneaky, incompetent and back-stabbing, and a few other names we can’t print here.  She should be fired.  He wondered who she was sleeping with to keep her job.

Upon reflection, he thought he hadn’t gone far enough.  Everyone should know about her.  It was his duty to warn them. So he emailed a copy of his original message to Ann’s supervisor and every member of the team.

Since he was sure he was right, Jared thought it was his free-speech right to say it. He was appalled when his superiors had the nerve to write him up in a behavior-improvement form.  Jared was convinced that since he didn’t agree with his supervisor, he didn’t have to do what he wanted.

In a separate situation, Jason thought Steve was a jerk.  Steve’s reports were lame and his ideas were dumb.  At meetings, Jason laughed openly at Steve and told him what he thought, in so many words.  Jason was certain Steve was upset because Jason’s charges were true and Steve couldn’t stand being exposed.

Jason couldn’t understand why other people thought Steve was doing fine.  However, he knew he was right.

These examples may seem too ludicrous to be true, but they are. Both Jared and Jason had acted the same ways before and previous supervisors had never done anything that resulted in consequences.

The issue wasn’t free-speech.  The issue was harassment, bullying, abuse and the creation of a hostile workplace.

Of course, it’s harder to detect sneakier people who are certain they should make the rules.

The Jareds and Jasons of the world usually self-destruct by exposing themselves.  But, in the meantime, they cause a lot of disruption.  Don’t ignore any Jareds and Jasons on your staff.

The best way to learn what to do to stop know-it-alls and righteous bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic, narcissistic parents want everything

Tom’s toxic, narcissistic parents always wanted everything he had.  Even though he was 40 and had his own family, they wanted him to do everything for them whenever they wanted.  Even though they were in good health and had money, they wanted all of his.  They bled him dry – drop-by-drop, pint-by-pint.

How could he not give them what they wanted?  Would that mean he was an ungrateful, uncaring son?  How can he not trust them; they’re his parents?  How could he resist; they’re his family?  They tell him that blood is the most important thing…and it seems to him that they want all of his.

First let’s begin not by asking about whether Tom can trust all people or not trust all people.  That’s a foolish question.  What’s important is that he trust his accurate estimation of what they’ve done and what they’re likely to do.

Tom knows his abusive, manipulative, controlling parents are typical:

1. They want Tom to give them everything he has when they want it.  They’re demanding and insistent.  When he gives them what they want, they want more.  It’s never enough.  When they change their minds, they want him to give him what they now want immediately.  There will always be new wants.
2. No matter what he does he’s wrong.  They find reasons to blame him and guilt-trip him no matter what he does.  He’s always at fault; he’s never good enough.  
3. If they’re sweet for a few minutes, he knows they’re just buttering him up.  They’re just making friends with his wallet or his spare time.  It’s like they’re putting a quarter in his parking meter to keep him from resisting.  In a minute they’ll demand something from him.  
4. It’ll go on forever.  They’ve changed tactics a little as he’s grown older, but it never really changes.  Their way of getting what they want is to verbally beat him into submission or guilt trip him like he was a little boy.
5. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for what they want, why he should give it to them and why he’s bad if he doesn’t.  He owes them his life, his present and his future.  He owes them all his energy and all the fruits of his labor.

Narcissistic, toxic parents are bullies.  They know all your guilt buttons and they know how to bully you into submission.  They don’t stop.  They rarely change, even after a near death experience.

What did Tom do?

1. He faced his first decision: which counts more to get into his personal space; blood or behavior?  He decided that having high behavioral standards was most important, even from his parents, relatives and friends.  People had to behave nicely and not take advantage of him or browbeat him into submission by being nasty or guilt-tripping him.  Now that he was an adult, he’d set his own standards and have his own rules.  He’d keep score of their actions, not their excuses.
2. He’d be polite but he wasn’t going to be their servant or banker.  When they got nasty, he’d hang up.  When they got relatives to intervene, he’d speak up about how his parents had always treated him.  He’d test his relatives to see which recognized what his parents had always done and would take his side.  He was surprised at how many did, once he took a stand.
3. He’d follow his accurate instincts instead of talking himself out of doing what he felt was right for him.  He saw that his true family was the one he’d made as an adult; the family of his heart, mind and spirit.  They appreciated and respected him.  They didn’t want his money or him waiting on them.
4. He’d test to see if his parents would ever change.  He’d know only after repeated and on-going change, not niceness one-time.  Since he’d always been the one to initiate contact, they’d have to be the ones who called him and they wouldn’t ask for anything or start putting him down.
5. He prepared himself for when they tried to hook him by being sick and needy.

An exercise that helped Tom gain his distance and feel like an adult, free from remorse, blame or guilt, had three parts:

1. He started thinking of them by their first names, not by the relationship of his childhood – “mom” and “dad.”
2. He spoke about them to other people by their first names, not by “my mom” or “my dad.”
3. He prepared himself to call them by their first names when he talked with them.

Tom got free from the entanglement, enmeshment and suffocation he’d felt for so many years.  His confidence and self-esteem soared like never before.

The best way to stop being used by bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents (and friends) is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Who's to blame for sexting?

In a Wall Street Journal article, “Blame parents, not kids, for sexting,” Leonard Sax exonerates teenage girls for sexting, teenage boys for pressuring girls to expose themselves, teenagers who post the photos and kids who harass and abuse the exposed girls.  He gives them a free pass because, “They’re just kids.”  He blames only incompetent parents.

This is nonsense.

1. It’s based on the idea that he can point the finger at only one party in a whole situation, and then, having affixed guilt and shame, tell them how to straighten out.  There’s much more blame to go around and it depends on each individual situation.
2. I blame boys who harass and bully the girls into exposing themselves.  I blame girls who relent and expose themselves.  I blame boys and girls who post these photos.  I blame kids who pile on and harass and abuse the exposed girl.  Does Dr. Sax really think that 11-12 year-olds don’t know the consequences of sexting?  Does he really think this kind of pressuring and exposure is new, even though the technology to expose wider and faster and forever is new?  Does he really think kids don’t have free will and knowledge about the possible consequences?
3. I blame parents who don’t educate their kids on the dangers of sexting or of posting photos that can open someone up to attack.  I blame parents who have allowed their kids to think that because someone didn’t intend to do something stupid or wrong, it doesn’t count.

Obviously, I think that each party bears the burden of doing better.

Statistics don’t really matter.  What’s important is what you are doing or not doing in your individual family.  Are you giving in to every demand of your children?  Are you not monitoring and imposing consequences?  Do you think your kids will be damaged if they don’t keep up socially or sexually with the other kids?

To kids, I say, “When are you going to transition from feeling tested to please other kids and to fit in, to testing other kids and deciding who you want to keep in your world?”  Do you think you can control everything on a phone or in cyberspace?

These kind of mistakes and exposures have been around as long as we have recorded history.  This is nothing new.

The best way to stop sexting, posting and sharing, and to help your family deal with bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to steer clear of workplace gossip and secrets

Who doesn’t like to be in on a secret? There’s something very alluring about being in the know.

But be careful. Sometimes people who come bearing secrets bring irritation, trouble and danger with them.

When someone wants to share private information, don’t automatically agree to listen and keep their information confidential. Think carefully. Consider the source. For some examples and responses that get you out of the middle:

To read the rest of this article from the Tampa Bay Business Journal, see:
How to steer clear of workplace gossip and secrets

While some people may be annoying time-wasters, others are dangerous carriers of confidences. They’re sneaky, manipulative, negative back-stabbers. They want to sucker you into the middle of a fight.

These people count on the rest of us honoring our promises of secrecy above all else. However, my general rule of survival is to give myself permission to change my mind once I know the information.

A better rule of thumb is to assume that there’s a hidden agenda when anyone wants you to commit to secrecy before they tell you something. If you say “yes,” you’ll become a pawn in their game. You’re better off not knowing.

Of course, sometimes people do need a shoulder. The question is, how often do they come, and with what kind of information?

Get past fears of being ostracized or attacked, stop being bullied by your ideas of politeness and consider what you want to pay attention to. Overcoming an addiction to melodrama might advance your career.

The best way to learn what to do to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Do-Nothing school administrators and shootings at Arapahoe High School

Beware of school officials who say, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”  They won’t protect your children from bullies or assassins.  They’ll coddle, therapeutize or avoid those killers.

Cameron Rust is currently the Defensive Coordinator for the Varsity Football Team, the head Sophomore Baseball Coach and one of the three security guards at Arapahoe High School.

In a blog post, he reveals that the administration of Arapahoe High School had been warned by the security guards numerous times of the menace posed by Karl Pierson, 18, long before he appeared on campus with a 12-gauge shotgun, machete, Molotov cocktails and more than 125 rounds of ammunition.  He shot fellow senior Claire Davis, 17, and minutes later killed himself, but authorities have said the weaponry he packed was a sign that he meant to harm many.  Claire died eight days later.

The school administration did nothing to stop Mr. Pierson.

The details will be argued about for a long time.  The high school administration will present itself as stuck; unable to do anything to stop Mr. Pierson until he had actually committed a crime.  Mr. Rust’s motives and statements will become the focus of the Littleton School District administrators’ defense.

A quoted statement by Littleton Public Schools Superintendent Scott Murphy, reported in the Denver Post, tells us exactly what happened.  In response to pointed questions, Mr. Murphy said, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Beware.  District Superintendent Murphy just used code words that speak volumes.
He can’t believe that anyone would shoot unarmed kids in a school.  His kids all have “positive goodwill and good intentions.”  And Arapahoe High School is a few miles from Columbine High School.

He is more concerned with the psyche and eventual rehabilitation of Karl Pierson than he is in protecting the other kids at Littleton Public Schools.  He’d throw all his resources at Karl Pierson.  He’d do nothing to remove Mr. Pierson because he believes “…in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people.”

Murphy didn’t choose Claire Davis as the lamb he sacrificed for his beliefs but he was offering up at least one of the children in his care.

Anyone who says, “I have such a belief in the positive goodwill and good intentions of all people,” will do-nothing to stop the Karl Pierson’s of the world.  They will all them to harass, threaten, bully and abuse while they hope that one more chance will finally give the Karl Pierson’s enough chances to overcome their desires to slaughter people.

As long as we tolerate administrators who believe like Murphy, we will open our doors to assassins like Pierson and we will have many more innocent victims like Claire Davis.

The best way to stop do-nothing administrators and protect your children is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively despite resistance by ignorant, incompetent and cowardly administrators.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free schools your children need.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

You can't rehabilitate all the bad actors in a workplace

Many well-meaning people believe everyone is good at heart and that strong leaders and great managers can rehabilitate any employee, including bullies, jerks, backstabbers and slackers.

They’re wrong.

In fact, the philosophical question “Can you rehabilitate everyone” is the wrong question. Better questions are “How long do you want to give bad actors access to their targets” and “What’s the cost to co-workers if you let bad actors remain in the workplace?”

Let’s look at two similar examples, with very different outcomes.

To read the rest of this article from the Memphis Business Journal, see:
You can’t rehabilitate all the bad actors in a workplace

How do you know an apology is sincere?
You can’t judge the sincerity of an apology by the tone of voice used, the body language or the emotion shown. That may be nothing more than good acting. An apology is sincere when the behavior changes.  The opposite of a sincere apology is not one that looks insincere. It’s one in which there’s no behavioral change

Does Harry have a good heart? Can Harry be rehabilitated or is he a lost cause?
These are the wrong questions. And the focus is too narrow because it’s only on Harry. It doesn’t include Sarah, the target.  How many times do you want to give Harry access to Sarah? Does Sarah get to vote on how many verbal lashings she must endure while Roger educates and rehabilitates Harry? Is Sarah and Harry’s company in business as a therapeutic organization for Harry while Sarah suffers?

If you focus only on helping the perpetrator, you enable bullying and violence. Initially, Sarah was a target of Harry’s abuse. But by not protecting Sarah, Roger converted her into a victim.

The best way to learn what to do to stop bullies is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic parents/Abusive husbands lie

Toxic parents and abusive husbands will lie.  They’ll lie to you and they’ll lie to themselves.  They’ll tell lies to relatives, friends and even strangers to make you look bad and to turn them against you.  Of course, abusive, controlling wives act the same way.

When you finally stand up against those manipulative parents and bullying husbands, be prepared.

Shine a light on their tactics and see who believes you or them.  Tell other people you’re going to stand up in public and that if they hear bad things about you or if they feel upset or hurt when they’re told things about you, you’d like them to call you so you all can discover the truth.

Standing up in public is important.  Speak openly and honestly.  Call lies and bullying what they are.  Bullies want you to keep silent because you’re embarrassed or polite.  Don’t argue, debate or try to prove your case.  Don’t let them distract you.  Just state the truth and your outrage over and over.

Remind other people about your character.  Remind them of their past history dealing directly with you.  Who has been the lying manipulators and who have been the targets?

Then remove from your inner circle anyone who believes the perpetrators.  Remember, you are not proving yourself to a judge and jury.  You are testing other people and will allow them close to you only if they believe you.

Overt bullies are easier to catch.  Covert, sneaky bullies are harder to get evidence about.  But you can count on most people in the family finally figuring it out.  In addition, when you start standing up against the harassment and lies in public, many others will follow your lead and become witnesses and allies.  And you’ll become stronger and more courageous.

The best way to stop toxic parents and abusive husbands, and to create a bully-free life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Prevent office coups by sneaky bullies

Sometimes we get so caught up in daily tasks and deadlines that we forget to take care of what really matters.  That’s a prescription for disaster, even though you may feel like you’re meeting many deadlines.

For example, June’s team was in the process of growing from five to 10 people. She had way too much on her plate to do everything.  So, she delegated the tasks she didn’t like or that didn’t seem urgent to her to her assistant, Don.

After about six months, June noticed that nearly all the new hires on her team didn’t respect her and whispered behind her back.  She overheard them mocking her just like Don often did.  They seemed to enjoy her pained expression, and didn’t seem to be afraid of repercussions for their behavior.

Don, a sneaky bully, had taken power in the office.

To read the rest of this article from the Portland Business Journal, see:
Prevent office coups by sneaky bullies

June knew she had done nothing wrong to them and couldn’t image what had turned them against her.  Finally, June realized what had happened. The new hires were acting just like Don did. She had turned over a critical task – hiring and training of new employees – to someone who didn’t like her.

Don had created an unofficial and hostile power center within her team. The new employees were loyal to the person who had hired and trained them.  Even worse, June had enabled his hostile takeover by promoting him to become her assistant, despite his previous antagonistic behavior. She’d hoped he’d respond to her generous gesture with friendship and loyalty.

June had discovered some hard truths: - see article for details about how June solved her problem.

The best way to learn what to do to stop covert bullies and empire builders is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Becoming a victim of bullying destroys physical, mental health

Being a target of bullying doesn’t necessarily affect your mental, emotional and physical health at the time or later in life.  But becoming a victim will drastically compromise a person’s health and well-being.

No, I don’t have a big study to back this up – although some studies are currently being conducted.  My bold conclusion is an old-husband’s tale.  Don’t wait for a pseudo-scientific study.  Does it make sense to you?  Does it fit your experience in your own life and in the lives of people you’ve observed?

Targets who resist, targets who keep their spirit’s fire burning bright, targets who get away and create bully-free lives don’t suffer the same long-term consequences.  People who become victims, people who accept their defeat, people who gravitate to serial relationships with bullies, people who live feeling helpless and hopeless do suffer these long-term consequences.

Mentally and emotionally, being a victim decreases confidence and self-esteem.  Over time, becoming a victim increases self-doubt, self-bullying, depression and suicide.  Being a victim decrease chances of future success.

Physically, resisting harassment, abuse and oppression increases strength, courage and resistance to physical and psychosomatic ailments.  Over time, becoming a victim decreases immune system functioning leading to a host of physical and psychosomatic problems.

Study the lives of people who did not become victims.  Two of my current favorites are Benni Cinkle (That Girl in Pink) and Ayaan Hirsi Ali.  There are hundreds of other famous ones and thousands who are not public figures.  Notice how they live after they’ve won their freedom.

You may be a target.  Don’t become a victim.  Your future is calling to you.

The best way to stop bullying and create a bully-free life at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

One bad apple spoils a whole team

Sometimes it’s important to pay attention to that creepy feeling you have about an employee – even if you don’t know why you have it.

After her team doubled in size in a year, Anna hired Debbie as her personal assistant.

Before Debbie arrived, productivity was high and the group had a natural camaraderie.  Key elements were its flexibility and their willingness to put projects on hold and take on new ones, and to pass off partially completed projects to other team members as corporate directives required.  And group members accepted with good grace, each other’s personal quirks that didn’t interfere with work.

But after Debbie arrived, Anna noticed a change.  The symptoms were clear, but the cause wasn’t.

To read the rest of this article from the Pittsburgh Business Times, see:
One bad apple spoils a whole team

• Employees quit kidding each other.
• They stopped eating quick lunches together in the break room.  Instead, they ate alone or went for long lunches in pairs or small groups, mostly with Debbie.
• They started isolating themselves, working in silos and not wanting to pass projects along to other team members or to put projects on temporary hold when something else needed attention.
• They began resisting and criticizing Anna’s goals and corporate changes.
• No matter what Anna did, her team members were irritated and grumpy.  She simply couldn’t please them.

During the next three months, Anna carefully observed the effects of Debbie’s influence on the members of her team.

See the original article for details about what Anna saw and what she did.

Most people would advise Anna not to act just because she had a creepy feeling – but when she gets that feeling, she should investigate immediately.

However, Anna goes further.  She now recognizes that she got that feeling during Debbie’s interview.  Also, in her life, she’s had that feeling with only two other people and both times the person was extremely destructive.  Also, Anna recognizes the difference between that creepy feeling and how she feels when she simply doesn’t like or is scared of someone.

She’s decided that she’ll act immediately if she ever gets that creepy feeling about an employee, even without definitive proof.  She bears the scars of the year of damage that Debbie caused.

The best way to learn what to do to stop covert bullies and empire builders is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Teen suicide, murder contagious

In case you didn’t know, teen suicide is contagious.  That is; when one teenager commits suicide at a school, the chances of other teenagers also committing suicide goes up dramatically.

The same goes for teenage murders.  Although the contagion is worse closest to the initial event (contagion spreads from an infected center), the national publicity for each episode stimulates other kids to proceed down that horrible path.

Also, when schools and communities come together with effective anti-bullying, harassment, abuse or suicide efforts, the beneficial effects are also contagious.  The immunizing effects of antibiotics spread from a strong source.

We’ve known that.  And there are studies to reinforce these observations.  For example, see the Christian Science Monitor Weekly article, “Teen suicide: Prevention is contagious, too.”

It’s not just teenagers
In addition, the same contagion and immunization effect are seem among adults at work, in families and in personal life.  Where harassment, bullying and abuse are tolerated, condoned or enabled, the behavior quickly spread.  Rarely is bullying an isolated event.

Similarly, when one person stands up strongly, other follow that example.  Witnesses witness; they don’t become bystanders.

The best way to stop bullying or suicide at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Growth and Success Can Create Problems

We like to think that success will cure all our problems.  But rapid growth can create the same shock waves generated by rapid downsizing or mergers - with the same insecurity, anxiety, stress, fear and pain for individuals, and the same consequences for organizations.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Growth and Success Can Create Problems

Even though the change is billed as success, we typically respond with our worst, habitual and off-the-cuff strategies.

Fatigue, anxiety, fear and resistance drive most behavior.  Plans are disrupted.  Productivity, creativity, response time and morale nose dive.  Staff does not detect or capitalize on opportunities.  People problems and sick leave skyrocket.

Do some of these emotions and behaviors sound like your workplace?

• Shock, depression.  People are too numb and frozen to be productive.
• Confusion, hesitation, insecurity, vacillation, anxiety, fear, panic.  Loss of structure and control leads to turf wars.
• Anger, emotional volatility, blaming.
• All-or-none thinking.
• New employees either are unwelcome or are lured into taking sides.
• Old contacts either are neglected or clung to for security.

Recognize the symptoms and treat the disease in its early stages.  You don’t have to be a therapist or even a people person to take simple steps to avoid critical mistakes.

You need two plans to deal with the upheavals.  Plan one is to develop and present direction, define goals, and specify organizational structure.  Plan two is to develop the human support needed to face the oncoming changes.

If you’re not knowledgeable, get help.  If you are knowledgeable, ask a wise outsider to review your ideas.  The results of your efforts can indeed be measured.  The attention and care you give your people will determine if your plan will remain just paper or be translated into effective actions.

The best way to capitalize on your success is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Miami Dolphins: What’s the cure?

Richie Incognito harassed, bullied and abused Jonathan Martin inside and outside the Miami Dolphins’ locker room.  Incognito threatened to kill Martin’s mother and sister and even Martin himself.  He repeatedly called and texted Martin terrible names and insults.

Why didn’t other players protect Martin?  What’s the cure?

Why didn’t other people in the locker room stand up to a bully?
There are many excuses.  Typically, people who “pile on” enjoy the power, want to be part of the pack or fear the bullies.  In every company, family and school, there are people who are scary.  Richie Incognito threatened Jonathan Martin’s mother and sister.  He threatened Mr. Martin’s life.  He can pretend he was kidding, but the threat is always there.

Some people looked the other way.  They were content to be bystanders, spectators.  They had no sense of outrage at what Incognito said or did.  Incognito is scary and seemed to have power.

Character and courage are required to stand up to bullies.  Dolphins’ coaches and management did nothing to stop Richie Incognito.  They may even have encouraged him.  Like a do-nothing principal faced with a student’s suicide, they now realize that by doing nothing to stop him, they gave Incognito power.

What’s the cure?
The league will investigate.  Punishments will be handed down.  The union will fight the severity of the punishments.  New rules will be written into the collective bargaining agreement.  Civil suits will be filed.  Education will encourage witnesses to step up instead of choosing to become bystanders.   Programs will be launched convert bullies into civilized humans.

In companies, families and schools, bullies use slightly different tactics to terrorize their targets, but the common patterns are clear.

Across the board, the treatment is the same as we would use to cure an infected splinter.  You cut it open, expose the infection, clean out all the pieces of the splinter so it doesn’t fester again and you drain the pus.  Only then can you heal the wound.  It’s the same for a cancer.

Bullies have no place in NFL locker rooms, companies, families or schools.  You stop the behavior as soon as it appears; even in the peewee leagues, even if that means you might lose more games.  You don’t give your locker room leadership to predators.  

The best way to stop bullying at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Adaptable Teams and Individuals Survive Change

Leopards have spots, dinosaurs had size.  Each developed a particular competency to succeed in a fixed environment.  But when the environment changes, the most rigid species become the most vulnerable to extinction.  Clever chameleons and adaptable amphibians are flexible enough to succeed – they are better able to survive the tides of change.

Humans need to be adaptable and our team structures must be versatile in order to meet the demands of our rapidly changing economic environment.
 
To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Adaptable Teams and Individuals Survive Change

Teams with more bodies, or with fixed hierarchies and rigid roles can be appropriate for some tasks.  A regimented sequence of robotic skills succeeds on assembly lines.  However, the fads of “core competencies” and “outsourcing” can lead organizations to become too ossified in a niche that will be gone tomorrow.

Companies require versatility on three important levels:

1. Individuals must act competently in varying roles and relationships in different teams designed to handle different tasks.
2. Individual teams must be capable of adopting new strategies when demands change.
3. Teams must alter patterns of interactions between them in order to meet changing needs.

When do problems arise?
When the organization fails to provide the necessary structure and resources, or new staff aren’t sufficiently trained in the company’s style of team processes.  Also, when someone:

1. Tries to do it all him/herself.
2. Puts self-interest above team goals and processes.
3. Plays “intrigue”, “sabotage” or “politics.”
4. Responds ineffectively to pressure, change, fear or anger.

Clever chameleons, adaptable amphibians and appropriately flexible individuals in versatile teams are able survive where dinosaurs couldn’t.

The best way to create adaptable and successful teams is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Miami Dolphins: Do Richie Incognito's excuses excuse him?

Richie Incognito harassed, bullied and abused Jonathan Martin inside and outside the Miami Dolphins’ locker room.  Incognito threatened to kill Martin’s mother and sister and even Martin himself.  He repeatedly called and texted Martin terrible names and insults.

But Incognito has his excuses.  Should those excuses excuse his behavior?

Should Richie Incognito be excused because he didn’t know how hurt Jonathan Martin was or because he thought he was Mr. Martin’s best friend?
“No.”  Incognito uses the typical excuses and justifications that perpetrators always use:  It wasn’t so bad, he didn’t know, it’s the victim’s fault, he had good reasons, he’s a special case in a special situation, his bad childhood made him do it.  Nonsense.  Incognito is an adult. He could have learned from all the other incidents on his rap sheet.  But he’s a predator and predators don’t change.

Richie Incognito talks as if he still thinks he’s Jonathan Martin’s friend and it’s all a misunderstanding.  Like typical relentless bullies, he minimizes what he’s done.  He says he didn’t know.  Incognito has been kicked off teams and out of colleges for behaving this way.  He knows what he’s doing but he’s gotten away with it.  Some team has always picked him up so there have been no consequences that have changed him.

He’s assaulted many people including a young woman volunteer at a charity golf event.  But his victims have always been bought off.

The master of slaves may say his slaves are happy, but we know better and he’s supposed to also.  If Richie Incognito is your big brother, as he claims; get another big brother.

Should Richie Incognito be excused if he was ordered to “toughen up” Jonathan Martin?

After World War II, we rejected the typical bully’s defense of “I was only following orders.”  Some orders, you don’t follow.  Of course, if such an order was given, Dolphins coaches and management bear one hundred percent of the responsibility for giving the fox the keys to hen house.  Just as the fox bears one hundred percent of the responsibility for being a predator.

In companies, families and schools, I see bullies using the same excuses.  Strong leaders learn to ignore these rationalizations and keep their territories bully-free.

Bullies have no place in NFL locker rooms, companies, families or schools.

The best way to stop bullying at work, in your family or at schools is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Beat the Rat Race: Multi-Task, Don't Hyper-Work

Multi-tasking is necessary if we are to accomplish all we want, but when multi-tasking turns into hyper-work, all benefits are lost.  The key to multi-tasking is concentrating attention on each task in its turn.  That way we can make progress on more than five jobs each day even though we can’t focus on five things at the same time.

What’s hyper-work? Remember the white rabbit from “Alice in Wonderland” - rushing frantically from place to place, always late, always distracted, too busy to stop, listen and think.  He expends lots of effort in going nowhere, producing nothing.  Sweat doesn’t count, only results.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Beat the Rat Race - Multi-Task, Don't Hyper-Work

Some keys to successful multi-tasking, instead of hyper-working:

• Prioritize, manage your time.  Don’t get desperate, don’t panic.  Take a careful look at what you really have to do.
• Focus, concentrate, pay full attention to one thing at a time.  Set aside blocks of time when you allow no calls, no disturbances.
• Be specific about the steps you need to complete tasks.
• Get a worthwhile life.  Hyper-work is rampant in personal life also.

White rabbits cover a lot of ground but their work has no quality and their personal life has no value.

The best way to become more successful at work and at home, and to help your staff become more productive is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.