Paula Span’s article for the New York Times, “A risk in caring for abusive parents,” raises a question many people face or will face soon.  Will you care for your abuser?

In my experience, no matter how long and hard we think or debate it, no matter how many studies we make of it, there is no one-right-answer.  Your situation is unique to you, them and the circumstances.  Your choice is your choice.

In my experience, parents who harassed, abused, bullied and beat you when you were young – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – will still do the same when they’re old, by whatever means they can.  They’ll still be demanding, narcissistic users.  They’ll still try to criticize you, manipulate you, control you, embarrass you, guilt-trip you and take all your time and money.

Just so you know what you’re getting yourself in to.  You’re putting yourself in the hands of the people who tried to make you their slave.

Of course, you don’t want to do it.  Of course, there are thoughts that you’re being selfish and ungrateful; you owe them.  Of course, you know who told you that so long ago.  Of course, they say they’re dependent on you, you owe them and taking care of them is the moral thing to do.  Of course, I don’t believe a word of that.

And of course, you’ll get depressed if you do it.  You’ll think they always win and you always lose.  They always get what they want and you always pay for it, one way or another.  You’re sacrificing your life, your happiness, your family for their wants again.  You still can’t make them pay for what they did to you.  There’s no justice or mercy.

So if you choose to take care of your abusive, toxic parents do it with a clear vision of what will happen.  And, if it gets too difficult, you can stop.  Or, maybe, just don’t start.  Sometimes it’s easier to love people when they’re thousands of miles away and you don’t have to speak to them.  Especially people you don’t like.

The best way to stop being used by toxic, bullying, selfish, narcissistic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and consulting so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the bully-free life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling