Stop School Bullies: Force Reluctant Principals to Act

How can you stop school bullies by forcing reluctant, do-nothing principals to protect your children?  That’s a skill many parents must learn. First, bullies are always 100% at fault and that never decreases.  Kids who act as spectators or cheerleaders, and kids who pile on also are at fault on their own.  There’s more than 100% to go around.

The worst are the adults who are responsible for stopping bullying; for creating bully-free schools, but who don’t.  Let’s focus on reluctant, do-nothing principals who tolerate bullying at their schools.

Some principals won’t tolerate bullying, but many principals won’t act strongly and effectively.

Five signs of these do-nothing principals are:

1. They don’t have a school-wide program, including kids and parents, to stop bullies.  There’s no training for teachers, administrators, janitors or bus drivers to recognize the early warning signs of overt and covert bullies; of verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying.
2. Even though every kid in the school knows who the bullies are and where and when it happens, do-nothing principals make no effort to monitor areas of the school where most bullying occurs.  They plead ignorance and expect you, the parents who are off-site, to provide the proof for them.
3. They think the best way to stop bullying is through forgiveness, sympathy, compassion, understanding, education and compromise with bullies.  They focus on the reasons bullies bully instead of simply stopping them.  They think that doing some process counts.  But only the results count – stopping bullies.
4. Do-nothing principals blame the target – your child.  They assume your kids must have done something wrong to antagonize the bully.  They don’t keep your kid’s complaint confidential.  Reluctant principals have great sympathy for how hard the bully’s life is and little sympathy for your child, who is the target of harassment and abuse.  Some can’t figure out how to stop a relentless bully so they’d rather look the other way.
5. To keep you in the dark, they plead confidentiality.  Or they ask you to trust them while they handle the situation, but you see that the bullying doesn’t stop.

In these schools, bullying is never one incident; it’s a pattern.  Relentless bullies know who has the power and what they can get away with.

Learn how to force reluctant principals to act. These do-nothing principals are afraid of two things:

1. Publicity.
2. Legal action.

Do-nothing principals don’t want to be involved with something that can get messy for them.  Often, they’re afraid of the bullying parents of the bullying kids.  You must change that.  Since do-nothing principals won’t do what’s right on their own, you must make them more afraid of you.

Four things you can do to make sure your children are protected are:

1. Before there are any incidents, even before school starts, organize a few like-minded parents and start lobbying for a school-wide program including kids and parents.  Get media coverage.  Make sure there are legal rules and a legal process.
2. If bullying begins, talk to the principal and staff.  Listen carefully for excuses, rationalizations, confessions of ignorance, discussions of what constitutes legal evidence – these are bad signs.  Record the conversation.  Send to everyone a follow up email listing all the points and promises made.
3. Give the principal (and counselors and teachers) one chance to stop the bullying – maybe a week or two.  Are bullies removed?  Does cyberbullying stop?  Or is your child picked on even more?
4. If bullying continues, see an expert lawyer, get an expert coach and start making waves.  Contact parents of other kids who are bullied.  Get evidence.  Contact District Administrators.  Contact police.  Get publicity from local radio and TV stations.  File a law suit.  Be prepared for a long, ugly fight.  Document, Document!

Don’t be sweet and weak; be firm.  Be courageous, determined and relentless.  Silence, appeasement, wishful thinking and the Golden Rule don’t stop real-world bullies.

Be effective.  Teach your children how not to be victims.  Your children’s mental, emotional and physical well-being is at stake.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Fire People Who Think They're Entitled to Run Things

Imagine you’re a newly appointed project leader of an existing management team.  How do you know if you’re walking into a club of entrenched buddies who want to run the show and will sabotage your efforts?  And what can you do about it? To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: Fire people who think they’re entitled to run things http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2007/04/23/smallb3.html

I recently observed a team of a dozen managers with that dynamic.  Harry was the newly appointed project leader.  His two predecessors, also experienced leaders, had been unable to move the team forward.  Both reported problems building team agreement and developing aligned effort.

Sitting in on a team meeting, I saw two people repeatedly cast furtive glances to a third, who signaled displeasure by frowning, eye rolling and head shaking.  After each instance, the trio resisted the direction being taken by the rest of the group.  During a break, the three clustered outside, reinforcing caustic personal comments about Harry.

A little investigation on my part revealed the extent of the pattern.  One person was the Queen Bee, obediently supported by her attentive court.  She thought she should run the whole team because she always “knew best.”

The core of the pattern is that righteous and arrogant people feel entitled to special privileges.  They make their own rules and have double standards.  They’re self-reinforcing, and ignore or don’t care about what other people think.

The pattern is a common one.  It’s especially prevalent on boards of directors and in government offices and nonprofits.  People like this trio will fracture any group, destroy productivity and subvert the next generation of potential leaders. Their personal agendas to achieve power and esteem take precedence over the job.

What can you do if you find yourself in a similar situation?

• Recognize that fixing it will take determination and skill.  A powerful image of the situation will help keep you on track.  Harry saw them as a grown-up version of a high school clique; three princesses who know they’re the best and deserve to be in charge.
• You can try reaching out to the offenders in an effort to get them working with the rest of the team.  But don’t count on that approach succeeding.
• Harry tried a conciliatory approach but the trio was so arrogant and deluded that every gesture he made to find common ground was interpreted by them as an admission that he was wrong, was begging forgiveness and was ready to follow their direction.  The previous two leaders had also tried to placate them and failed
• But, whether you’re a peer or a project leader, you can’t afford to ignore them.  If left unchallenged, they form a not-so-secret power structure that will sabotage your best efforts to succeed.  They will force you to take sides.  For them, it’s about control and adoration.
• Don’t be a faithful drone.  Take steps to take away their power to do harm the organization.
• Reasoning and evidence won’t change these people.  And only a small percentage of them learn their lessons from their obvious failures.
• This is not a task for wimps.  You’ll need the help of your management, which means you need to do your homework and document your case.  Look for a smoking gun.  When you’re ready, shine a light on the pattern and confront the offenders head on.

If you find yourself in a situation like this one, quietly build an airtight case, gather allies and act decisively.  And be prepared for a battle.  People like that trio are a cancer in any organization. Remove them surgically before they metastasize.

If we don’t act promptly and decisively, performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissists, incompetent, lazy, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Bullies: Get Evidence

What can you do if:

• Teachers, principals and school therapists are the bullies but they won’t admit it?
• Teachers, principals and school therapists minimize school bullying or won’t believe that your child is being bullied?
• Bosses won’t stop bullies in the workplace?
• The police won’t stop bullies at home?

The first step is always to document – that’s called “getting compelling evidence.”

But how?  Modern technology puts getting evidence in the hands of everyone.

For example, as reported by the Huffington Post, “Stuart Chaifetz sent his 10-year-old son to New Jersey's Horace Mann Elementary School wearing a hidden audio recorder.  The move came in reaction to accusations from the school that his son Akian was having ‘violent outbursts,’ including hitting his teacher and teacher's aide -- claims that Chaifetz claims are against his son's "sweet and non-violent" nature.  Akian, who has Autism, returned with a tape containing hours of apparent verbal and emotional abuse from his classroom aide and teacher -- whom Chaifetz identifies as "Jodi" and "Kelly" -- a recording which his father later published on YouTube.”

“As the tape continues, the teacher and teacher's aide's behavior turns from inappropriate to cruel.”

Also, “This was the case for parents of a special needs student at Miami Trace Middle School in Ohio, who sent their daughter to school with a hidden tape recorder last fall after the girl repeatedly complained about teacher bullying.  The revelation was shocking: the educators on the recording called the child lazy and dumb, and forced her to run on a treadmill with increasing speed.”

In those cases, the teachers were bullying the students.  But the same method would be effective for gathering evidence about other kids who are bullies and for stopping bullies at work and at home.

It’s hard to ignore that kind of evidence, even for do-nothing principals who want to look the other way, who won’t stop bullying.  Those negative, do-nothing principals are usually a major factor in suicides of victimized kids.

Those teachers and principals will need to be forced before they’ll do anything.  You won’t make things better for your child by being a peacemaker.  Begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  These incompetents may initiate processes but they won’t do the difficult work of getting results.  They won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying.

The take-home message is always to give the responsible authorities a chance, but if they don't do their jobs to stop a pattern of school bullying, solve the problem yourself.  Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to protect you.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!” Stopping bullies is more important than never using violence.

I’m not a lawyer.  Check your state laws about what you’re allowed to do to get evidence in secret and what’s illegal.

The steps are:

1. Get evidence.
2. Get a lawyer.
3. Get publicity.
4. Get a law suit started.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop School Bullies: Fighting Back Can Have Four Rewards

A nine-year-old, third grade student from Colorado Springs was recently suspended for fighting back against another student who had bullied him repeatedly  The target had complained to school authorities, but they had not protected him. Both boys were suspended for fighting.  The school defended its actions: "If a student is involved in a physical altercation on school property, they are automatically suspended. District 11 schools employ many anti-bullying teaching techniques … and none of these methods include violence or retaliation," the school said in a statement to KDVR.

What should you tell your child:

• If he's in elementary school and is being bullied and the responsible teachers and principal do not stop bullying?
• How should he stop school bullies?
• Is the punishment fair?

The school officials are saying that even though they can't stop school bullying, even though they don’t stop negativity, harassment, abuse or physical, mental or emotional violence, even though there’s a pattern of bullying, the targets are not allowed to defend themselves by fighting back.  According to the school officials, not using violence, even if it makes you helpless, is a more important value than protecting yourself.  Being a victim is not as bad to them as fighting back.  Process counts more than results.

Maybe the school principal should be suspended for not doing his job.

The school officials are saying that process and techniques are a more important value than getting results, even if they create victims because their techniques don't protect the targets.

I disagree.

Protecting targets is more important than clinging to their ineffective techniques.  In desperation, and unlike parents who sabotage their children by preaching non-violence, the target's parents had told their son that since the school officials weren't protecting him, he should fight back.

I go further.  I've told our elementary school-aged grandchildren - in secret so their parents don't know:

• Try everything peaceful you can think of to stop bullying – be nice and friendly, ignore it, ask the bully to stop, tell the bully he'd better stop.
• If those techniques don't work, learn to use verbal come-backs and put-downs.
• If those techniques don't stop the bully, tell your favorite teacher and the principal.  Get your parents involved.  They'll talk with the principal and teachers.
• If they don’t stop the bullying, use your own power, beat up the bully.  And I want them to learn how to really hurt the other kid, swiftly and effectively.
• Of course, they'll suspend you because teachers and principals who don't protect kids are do-nothing jerks and jerks do jerky things and they don’t wan to risk making a wise judgment about who the bully is. When you get suspended, act contrite.  Say you're sorry, promise you won't fight again.  When no one is looking, wink at the bully to let him know that you'll beat him up again, if necessary.

If you follow this plan, you'll get at least four wonderful things:

1. The bully will leave you alone.
2. You'll respect yourself and feel like you can succeed in the world.
3. Other kids will respect you.
4. While you're on suspension, I'll take you to Disney World for a big celebration.  After all, winners of  Super Bowls get to go; why not winners on the playground?

I also tell them that there are some caveats to my advice:

• If the bully is much bigger than you or if there is a gang of kids, we'll devise a different plan
• When you're old enough (maybe high school) that kids are carrying weapons, we'll devise a different plan.

But the take-home message is always to give the responsible authorities a chance, but if they don't do their jobs, solve the problem yourself.  Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to protect you.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”  Stopping bullies is more important than never using violence.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop School Bullying: It's a Pattern, not an Incident

Kenneth Weishuhn, a 14-year-old high school sophomore in Paullina, Iowa, died of self-inflicted wounds after months of relentless bullying.  Articles in Cedar Falls, Iowa, the Washington Post and the Huffington Post have described the town’s outcry. It’s true; Kenneth tried to minimize the bullying so it didn’t become worse.  And he got some relief when the gang of bullies turned some of its attention on a pregnant student.  And the school did hold an assembly after he reported the bullying.

After his suicide, school officials tried to cover themselves in the usual way.  “Dan Moore, the superintendent of the South O’Brien Community School District, said administrators knew of only one incident regarding Kenneth and that he believes they dealt with it well.  ‘I feel the school did address the issue that they were aware of when it came to their attention,’ Moore said. ‘Obviously, we had no idea that we’d have an end result like this, or what was going on outside of here.’”

There’s much more hidden below the surface of the principal's and Mr. Moore's lack of an effective response; especially the real fault that the administrators are trying to cover up.

Let's understand clearly.  Mr. Moore thinks they addressed the bullying and abuse well because he did some processes, procedures and techniques, even though the harassment and bullying didn't stop and, in fact, got worse.  And Mr. Moore thinks that performing some processes relieve him of responsibility.

What’s hidden here?

1. The school principal, teachers and district administrator put all the responsibility for knowing about bullying on the reports they receive from students.  They take no responsibility for knowing what’s going on under their noses.  Every kid in school knows who the relentless bullies are and who leads the cliques and gangs.  But they don’t tell.
2. The school principal, teachers and district administrator haven’t created an environment, a culture, in which at least some of the many witnesses come forward, instead of remaining as bystanders. Why didn't the witnesses come forward?  They know that nothing serious will happen to the bullies, but they’ll be exposing themselves to retaliation.  They don’t want to become the next victims of bullying.  What was the principal’s "stop school bullying program" at the start of the year, before there were any incidents?  Were parents involved in the program?
3. Despite their years of education, their advanced degrees and their special training on how to stop school bullies, the school principal, teachers and district administrator treated bullying as an “incident,” not as a pattern.  Yet everyone knows that school harassment, bullying and abuse are rarely an isolated incident.  These behaviors may start as an incident perpetrated by one kid instead of by a gang, but when nothing happens to the bully, bullies become bolder and more overt.  When there are still no serious consequences, other bullies join in and bullying becomes a pervasive pattern.  Pretty soon, other kids pile on.  Bullying expands from emotional and physical abuse into cyberbullying – on and off campus.  When relentless bullies get away with their worst behavioral impulses – taunting, teasing, harassment, physical, mental and emotional abuse – other kids let their worst impulses out.

Kids know who has the power.  If the responsible adults turn the other cheek and bury their heads in the sand, kids know that the bullies are in charge.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level.  The culture becomes the "Lord of the Flies" on the playground, in the bathrooms and in the hallways.

When Kenneth Weishuhn reported what was happening, he faced an accomplish-nothing principal and district administrator who weren’t proactive in protecting him but, instead, would excuse and justify themselves by saying that they did the minimum required - even if it didn't work.

Would you want to pay those people’s salaries?  Would you want your child at those schools?  Maybe, but only if your kid was the leader of the bullies.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

To Stop Workplace Bullying, Don't Turn the Other Cheek

Many of us have been taught to ignore putdowns.  It’s considered morally superior to rise above them. That’s a big mistake.  Respond quickly when someone attacks you.

For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public.  Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity.  But taken together they represented a hostile pattern.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: When insulted by a co-worker, don’t turn the other cheek http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/08/11/smallb3.html

Sybil harassed and abused Henry in meetings, in front of the bosses and in the hallways.  Henry tried to defend himself against her negativity with facts, logic and excuses. But he never mentioned the obvious hostility in her attacks.  His arguments didn’t stop her. He felt defeated and gave into despair.

Their coworkers called Sybil “The Queen of Mean” and tiptoed around her because they were afraid of her retaliation.  With her vicious tongue, she controlled the office.

Henry obsessed on her demeaning comments.  He continually complained to co-workers, family and friends.  Then, he’d be angry at himself for getting enraged.  He wished he could let Sybil’s cracks roll off his back.  He didn’t know how to make her stop bullying.

I convinced Henry he was taking the wrong approach.  He shouldn’t ignore Sybil’s assaults.  By allowing her to continue whacking him verbally, his confidence, self-esteem and credibility were undermined.  His staff saw him as likeable but weak.

Henry had some common, self-imposed rules that keep him from acting:

• “It’s just the way she is.  I should forgive her.  Since I can’t change her, I can’t do anything.”
• “The nicest, most reasonable people should tolerate bad behavior, rather than ask the most difficult, hostile person to change.”
• “If I’m nice and reasonable, people will respect me and change.”
• “If I’m angry, if I can’t think of the perfect, polite way of acting, I shouldn’t do anything.”

Henry believed in the Golden Rule.  His psychological explanations for Sybil’s narcissistic behavior also kept him from acting.  He decided she was simply jealous of him and thought he should forgive her.

I disagree: Just because someone was a victim when they were young or feels hurt now, doesn’t give them a free pass to hurt other people.

The first changes Henry made were internal:

• When he stopped taking the attacks personally, he stopped obsessing and began planning effective responses.
• He acknowledged that he should have responded rapidly to Sybil’s initial attacks. The more he allowed them to pass by unchallenged, the more bold she became.
• He committed to protecting himself.  He’d had enough and it was time to say, “No!” And he promised himself that if his first tactics didn’t succeed, he wouldn’t go back on his commitment. He’d simply try different tactics.

So what did Henry do?  He tried an escalating set of responses, increasing in firmness at each new step.  When he got far enough up the staircase of firmness, Sybil finally showed him what was enough.  She stopped.  The rest of their team now saw Henry as strong and smart.  Their respect for him increased

Don’t be a Henry and ignore insults outwardly, while they tear you up inside.  Don’t be a conflict avoidant manager. Immediately, counter any attacks from the Sybils in your life.  Use Henry’s method of escalating firmness to stop bullies.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

To Stop Bullies, Should Kids Ever Fight Back?

Jane’s 5 year-old daughter, Jenny, had been tormented for months by a bully in her class.  Even though the bullying girl was the same size as Jenny, she repeated took whatever Jenny was playing with, shoved Jenny down repeatedly and often pulled her clothes and hair. Jane had told her daughter that physical violence was never the answer.  Jenny should never sink to a bully’s level.  Also, the incidents were no big deal, the bully was probably bullied at home and didn’t know any better, Jenny should rise above and be the better and nicer person, Jenny should try to play nicely with the bully and make friends with her by giving the bully her toys, and to tell her teacher when incidents occurred.

The teacher talked to the bully but never stopped her behavior.

Eventually, one day, the bully grabbed a toy from Jenny and scratched her face.  In a fit of anger Jenny pushed the bully down and scratched her face really hard.  The bully backed away and cried.  The teacher was outraged at Jenny’s retaliation, sent her to the principal’s office and had Jane called.

What should Jane do?

First, what Jane did was to be very apologetic to the principal and teacher on Jenny’s behalf and then verbally chastise her daughter in the principal’s office for fighting back.  Fortunately for Jenny:

• Her mother did not make Jenny apologize face-to-face to the bully and the teacher was so busy and distracted that she forgot to punish Jenny in front of the bully.
• She felt so good after fighting back and winning that she ignored her mother’s attempts to lash her with shame, blame and guilt.  When she went back into class she gave the bully a dirty look and smiled threateningly at her.  That was Jenny taking her own power instead of waiting for someone to empower her.

Jane illustrates how well-meaning parents can be the number one risk factor in converting targets into victims.

What would I recommend Jane do instead?  Should kids like Jenny ever fight back?

• Jane should direct her anger at the teacher and principal who hadn’t protected her daughter from a bully.  Actually she should have been doing that all along, not simply after this incident.  She should have made repeated complaints, in writing, up the chain of responsibility of the school district.  Schools can create effective stop-bullying programs.
• She should have found out if other kids were being bullied at the school.  She should have rallied those parents, contacted lawyers and gotten the media involved in publicizing the do-nothing principals and district administrators who are a major factor in bullying-caused suicides.
• If I were Jenny’s parent, I’d take her out for ice cream or an even bigger treat.  I’d congratulate her on successfully defending herself.  I’d tell her that she’s probably going to have to hurt the bully once more because many bullies are boundary pushers.  The bully will probably try her old tactics once more to test Jenny’s courage, determination and resolve.
• I’d tell her that as she grows older, I’ll teach her how to fight back verbally and that if she learns verbal martial arts, she may not ever have to use physical methods.  But I’d see that she learns these also.
• I’d also tell her that her teacher and principal are cowards and jerks.  They don’t protect targets from predators under their care.  A 5 year-old can understand that.  So Jenny should just be quiet and nod when they lecture her, and she should ignore what they say.  If niceness doesn’t stop bullies, then Jenny should get me involved and if the authorities won’t protect her, she must use force.

When harassment, bullying and abuse are tolerated they don’t remain isolated incidents.  Instead, bullying rapidly becomes a generally accepted pattern at a school or a district.  When adults don’t fulfill their responsibilities, bullies realize they have the power to do whatever they want.  Other kids get lured into bullying or become bystanders instead of witnesses.  Behavior settles to the lowest common denominator.

Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, wishful thinking and the Golden Rule don’t stop bullies.  Unconditional love of bullies doesn’t stop their behavior.  Relentless bullies are predators.  Kindness doesn’t stop them; they misinterpret our kindness as weakness and an invitation to harm us more.

I’ve been interviewed many times on radio and television programs.  Almost every woman who has interviewed me was a Jenny whose mother told her to take the high road and never fight back, verbally or physically.  But unlike Jenny, they grew up being “nice girls.” Now, they wallow in negative second-guessing and self-doubt, and a little depression and defeatism because they never learned how to protect themselves.  Now, they bear some anger toward their mothers.

They’re also unable to stop bullies at work or to teach their children how to stop bullies in school.

But they’re all eager to learn how to stop bullies and how to make school officials protect their children, whether they want to or not.

For some examples, see the case studies in “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” the companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song

Sometimes things are very clear and straightforward even though carrying them out may be difficult.  But that’s a lot better than not being clear. Rabindranath Tagore, Nobel Prize winning poet, said, “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.”  This vision provides clarity about the direction we want our lives – situation after situation. But the process varies with the specifics of our individual situations.

We can begin by protecting the ecology of our Isle of Song.  Just as we wouldn’t allow toxic dumpers, we won’t allow people to trash our Isle in any way.

Therefore, we clear the bullies from our lives and we create space for the right people to come in.  The reality shows also say the same thing, although not so poetically.  “Vote selfish, narcissistic, insensitive, nasty, abusive people off your island.”

Who do we allow on our Isle? People we want close to us and who behave the way we need.

Who do we vote off our Isle? Remove anyone who won’t behave according to our standards.  I don’t mean only bullying spouses.  Our lives become much better when we use this general rule in all situations – with our toxic parents, relatives, adult children, friends, co-workers, bosses.

Physical violence is obvious, so our response is usually emphatic; “Go away!”  But the more covert, manipulative, sneaky, control-freaks are harder to detect.  Nevertheless, the same rule applies.  Test people’s behavior.  If they don’t stop bullying, vote them off our Isle.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

Covert, stealthy bullies always try to ram their agendas down our throats – with a smile, a laugh, a good excuse.  They say, “I know better, I’m right, I’m justified.”  Don’t pay much attention to the specifics of each excuse.  Instead, watch for the pattern of who they think is in charge and who casts the determining vote.  If they always want control, we know what we’re up against and we know we must vote them off our Isle.  Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t stop them.

They aren’t friends or even acquaintances, although we can be polite and firm while we’re setting our boundaries.

But what can we do about bad blood if we still feel the need to see those people sometimes? One couple I coached created a wonderful image.  They needed to protect both the physical and the emotional ecology of their Isle from a very toxic adult daughter.  In non-technical terms, the daughter was “crazy.”

She could be sweet one moment, but the next, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and throw an explosive, attacking, vicious temper tantrum.  She’d loudly curse and blame her parents for how bad she felt or what had happened to her.  It was all their fault, she’d yell, because they wouldn’t do exactly what she wanted them to do, every moment, even if her feelings or what she wanted changed in an instant.  In her rage, she’d even try to hit them.

The parents couldn’t trust their daughter.  Actually, they could trust that almost every time they saw her, the daughter would repeat a life-long pattern without warning or provocation.

The parents felt that they had to protect themselves and their much younger children from the older daughter, but they still felt bound to see the “crazy” daughter sometimes.

The image that worked for them was to imagine a long boardwalk from their Isle of Song leading out to a McDonald’s surrounded by a huge barbed-wire fence.  They could tolerate meeting her out there to have a burger once every three-four months.  But at the first signs of a blow up, they’d leave the McDonald’s, close the gate and their crazy daughter was stuck out there.  She could never get to their Isle and trash it with her emotional garbage.  And they’d never allow her to move back home.

That way, the parents could satisfy both values of seeing their daughter and of protecting the rest of the family.  They removed the interaction from their Isle both physically and emotionally.  That solution fit them.

We may be targets but we’re not victims! There are many situations in which we can fairly easily vote someone off our Isle and never interact with them again.  First dates are a good example.

There are also many situations in which we feel stuck by circumstances and choose to use the long boardwalk method to protect our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  We decide to interact with the bullies physically once in a while but we’ll protect ourselves.  We’ll always have a way home that we control.

Also, we’ll maintain an emotional distance.  We won’t take what they say or do personally.  We may be unable to stop them from trashing the ocean far away or trashing their own Isle, but we won’t let them trash our emotional Isle.

Some of these situations might be when we decide to care for bullying, nasty elderly relatives or we choose to continue trying to straighten out a child who isn’t old enough to throw out or we accept a rotten boss in a job we can’t or don’t want to leave or we choose to keep living next to jerk-y neighbors or our child may stay in a school that has a special program even though the officials tolerate bullying.

Again, it’s our choice depending on the circumstance and what we want to do.

The key step in these situations is internal: to keep a spark alive in our hearts.  We know that we’re choosing to endure the pollution and noise for a finite time, but that in the end, we’ll get free and vote those people off our Isles of Song.

We can’t allow the worst of ourselves to trash our own Isle. That image can make clear the next steps in our personal development.

We live up to the standards required for anyone to be allowed to stay on our Isle. We develop strength, courage, determination, perseverance – grit.  We vote the selfish, narcissistic, insensitive parts of us off our Isle until those parts develop better ways of getting the wonderful things and feelings we want in our lives.  We become worthy of our own Isle.

Often that requires expert coaching to replace old, out-dated beliefs, attitudes, feelings and habits with new ones appropriate to our Isle.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can learn to command ourselves.  We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.

Atlanta Teachers Cheat - Blame the Tests

Weaklings and whiners blame temptation and tempters.  That pattern of good reasons, best of intentions, and pathetic excuses and justifications to blame someone else is as old as apples and temptation.  It’s just as lame and weak now as it always was. According to Wall Street Journal articles, Beverly Hall was Superintendant of the Atlanta Public School District when at least 178 teachers have been accused of cheating to elevate student’s test scores en masse.  Administrators were also accused of “impeding the investigation, tampering with tests and intimidating teachers.”

Already, “82 of the 178 teachers and administrators implicated admitted to cheating.”  No examples of such cheating were found in rural schools.  Ms. Hall’s role is not yet clear.  The vast majority of Georgia teachers resisted the temptation to cheat and lie.

According to Kyle Wingfield, reporting for the Journal, “Many politicians and teachers have responded to the report by blaming the test and accountability measures like No Child Left Behind. This is exactly the wrong reaction: Atlanta shows us why public schools need more, not fewer, accountability measures.”  I agree.

Interim School District Superintendant Erroll Davis Jr. is cleaning house.  “At the same time, a former Atlanta deputy superintendent [Beverly Hall] agreed to go on paid leave from a Texas school district that hired her earlier this year.”

The dust will take a long time to settle.  I hope Ms. Hall’s lieutenants and all the other teachers involved spend time in prison and then find jobs in which they will not held out as role models to children trying to better themselves.  We count on teachers to be role models; to demonstrate the highest standards.

Let’s keep the focus on the overall issue – the reasons, excuses and justifications; the whining, complaining and blaming of bullies, abusers and criminals who want to blame temptation, not themselves.

The problem is not the “No Child Left Behind” mandate or standardized tests – although those aren’t perfect.

The problem is in individual humans who fail, who fall short of the standards they promised to uphold and then want to be left off the hook – no consequences, no punishment.

They used to say, “The Devil made me do it.  I had good reasons.  It’s not my fault and, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer.”  Now they say, “Society, the bad rules or system, too much pressure, my bad genes, my bad brain chemistry, my bad upbringing and childhood made me do it.  It’s not my fault, I’m a victim and, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer.”

Those are the same excuse used by men and women who bully, batter, control and abuse their dates or spouses.  They say, “It’s your fault I’m bullying you.  I can’t help myself.  It’s not my fault.”

Instead, let’s champion individual responsibility in the face of temptation – like all those teachers who resisted temptation.  All through history, in every culture at every time, temptation has been acknowledged as a fact of life.  And the need to overcome that temptation has been emphasized.  Of course we know we won’t always succeed.  Some temptations must be avoided in the beginning because we know once we start down a path; we won’t be able to turn back.

The fault is squarely on the heads and hearts of the elites who did not resist the temptation or report the weaklings who hurt all the students in their care.  The superintendent, the administrators and the teachers who colluded individually and en masse at cheating parties; the people who failed to fulfill their promise as keepers of children’s futures.

Lord Acton said, “absolute power corrupts absolutely,” as if it’s a foregone conclusion and we’re simply too weak to resist.

But Peter Parker’s uncle said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Like Spiderman, we all have to rise to our responsibilities.

Stop Bullies: Girls Bullying Girls

Just as many girls as boys are bullies but girls more often target other girls. Girls do bully other girls physically.  One publicized example is the Florida girls who beat up a classmate and then posted the video on YouTube.

However, most girl-girl bullying is verbal and emotional.  Seven of the nine bullies were girls in the publicized case that led to the recent suicide of Phoebe Prince.  Their attacks on Phoebe were choreographed, strategically planned and relentlessly executed.  The abuse was verbal, physical and through cyber space.

“Mean girls” are masters of catty remarks, put-downs, scorn, mockery, criticism, sarcasm, cyber bullying and forming cliques led by a Queen Bee.  Mean girls are also masters of covert, “stealth bullying;” backstabbing, rumor-mongering, telling secrets, cutting out and spreading gossip and innuendo while pretending to be friends.

Girl bullies often are control-freaks and emotional blackmailers.  Common bullying statements are, “If you don’t do what I want, you’re not my best friend, “ or “My best friend wouldn’t talk to that other girl,” or “You hurt my feelings, you’re a false friend.”  They often set up boys to attack their targets.

Boys tend to use overt physical tactics more than girls.

Girls: it’s easy to tell if you’re being overtly bullied; it’s harder to tell if the bullying is stealthy.  You’re probably being bullied if you’re feeling controlled, forced to do things you don’t want to do, scared of what another girl might do to you, afraid of getting ostracized or ganged up on, or not wanting to go to school at all.  Trust your gut and talk to your parents no matter how reluctant you are.

Parents: the major signs that your daughter is being bullied are unexplained, 180 degree changes in behavior.  For example, no longer talking about school or friends, not wanting to be with classmates, spending all her time in her room, avoiding checking text messages, social web sites or answering the phone, no longer doing homework, not eating lunch at school, stopping after-school activities, wanting to change or quit school, loss of weight, chewing fingernails, not caring about appearance, can’t sleep, nightmares, loss of confidence and self-esteem, emotionally labile (crying suddenly alternating with explosive anger and temper tantrums alternating with despondency and depression – “I’m helpless, it’s hopeless”).  Be careful; teenagers typically go through periods of these behaviors.  Parents must check out the causes.  Be persistent.  Don’t be stopped by initial resistance. If your daughter is being bullied, parents must proceed down two paths simultaneously:

• Teach your daughter how to protect herself.
• Make teachers, principals and school district administrators protect targets.

Bullying at school is rarely an isolated event.  Usually there is a pervasive pattern of overlooking, minimizing, denying, tolerating or even encouraging bullying.  Strategies for how parents can proceed depend on the situations they’re dealing with; especially the people.  The bottom line is that most, but not all, principals want to avoid the subject, do nothing, cover-up with platitudes, avoid law suits and won’t confront bullying parents who protect their darling little bullies.

Beware of principals who think that their primary task is to understand, rehabilitate or therapeutize bullies.  You will have to get other parents involved and be very tactical in order to get principals to act firmly and effectively. There is one absolute “Don’t.”  Every female client and every woman who has interviewed me said that they were verbally bullied when they were young.  Unfortunately, their mothers told them, “Rise above the bully.  That bully is hurting so much inside that they’re taking their pain and inferiority out on you.  Understand and forgive them.  You’re better than they are.  If you act nice enough, people will return your kindness with kindness.”

Every one of these bullied women bears deep wounds including stress, anxiety, negative self-talk, lack of confidence and self-esteem problems.  They also bear an underlying hatred of their mothers for those messages.  Those messages are absolutely wrong.  Mothers must teach their daughters how to protect themselves, not how to act like willing victims.

Remember, the Golden Rule doesn’t stop real-world bullies.  Prepare your daughters for the real-world they’ll face in school, at work, in intimate relationships and with friends.

Stop Boyfriend Bullies before Valentine's Day

Imagine that you have a new boyfriend who seems wonderful and you’re looking forward to a romantic Valentine’s Day.  But in your past relationships you were harassed, bullied, controlled and abused.  You finally realize you have a tendency to pick the wrong guys.  What should you look for with this new one and what should you do if you see any warning signs? Step back and take a look at how he treats people now.  Don’t listen to any of his reasons, explanations or excuses.  Look only at his actions.  Everyone can blow up once a year under extreme pressure, so count how often he behaves that way.  Look for patterns.

Test him now … before it’s too late.

Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you?

1. Does he push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what he wants?
2. Does he make the rules and control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on?  Does he think that his sense of timing and rules of proper conduct are the right ones?
3. Do his standards rule?  Is your “no” not accepted as “no?”  Is he always right and you’re always wrong?  Is sex always when and what he wants and for his pleasure?  Is his sense of humor always right?  Does he say that he’s not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive?  Do your issues get dealt with or are his more important so he can ignore your concerns or wishes?
4. Does he control you with negativity, disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt?  For example, no matter what you do, are you wrong or not good enough?  Does he cut you down in subtle ways and claim that he’s just kidding?  Or does he control you with his hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide?
5. Are you afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage?  For example, do you walk on eggshells?  Does he intimidate you with words and weapons?  Does he threaten you, your children, your pets or your favorite things?
6. Are you told that you’re to blame if he’s angry?  Do you feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained?  In this relationship, has your self-doubt increased, while your self-confidence and self-esteem decreased?
7. Does he isolate you?  Are you allowed to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work?  Does he force you to work because he needs your money?  Are you told that you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them him?
8. Does he need your money to make his business schemes work?  Does he have a pattern of not keeping jobs, even though he blames his lack of success on other people or bad luck?  Is he looking for someone to support him like he thinks he deserves?

If you answered yes to most (or even any of these questions), pull out a piece of paper and write, in big capital letters, “Bully” and “Control-Freak” and “Abuser.”  Now you know what you’re dealing with.  Post these signs on your mirror, car, computer and work space.  Put them in your purse.

When you protest, does he promise to stop?

1. Whatever his reasons, if he isn’t convincing when he says he’s sorry, run away real fast.
2. After he promises to stop, does treat you nice for a while before the next incident?

Remember, apologies, excuses, reasons and justifications count only one time.  After that, only actions count.

While bullies are courting you, until he gets you, he’ll treat you the best he’ll ever treat you.  For bullies, it’s all downhill after he thinks he’s got you. How does he treat other people like: 

1. Servers – waiters and waitresses, clerks at the movies and retail stores, people who work for airlines.  Does he harass, bully and abuse them?  Does he try to get something for free?
2. Supervisees, coworkers and vendors.  Does he think they’re stupid, incompetent and lazy?   Does he jerk them around?  Does he retaliate viciously if he feels offended?
3. Acquaintances and friends?  Does he keep them only if he’s the boss or center of attention?  Does he have friends who have lasted?   Are the relationships brutal or are they like those you’d like between equals?
4. His former girlfriends or ex-wives.  What would they say about those relationships?  Does he claim all those women were bad or rotten?  Did he retaliate in the end?
5. His parents and siblings?  Does he abuse them because they deserve it, or has he simply walked away because they’re impossible to have a good relationship with?

Don’t think you’re unique, different and safe; don’t think that he’ll never treat you that way.  That’s magical thinking.  A person who has mastered harassment, bullying, controlling and abusing these people, especially the helpless servers, supervisees and vendors will eventually get around to you.

What does he wish he could do to those other people?

1. Does he wish he could have had the strength, courage and opportunity to retaliate without bad consequences to himself?
2. Is he itching to take his anger or rage out on someone else (like, maybe you)?

He probably will do those things to you once he thinks you’re under his thumb – after you’re married, have children, or become dependent on his approval, permission or money.

Ignore your overwhelming feelings of true love.  Don’t waste your life trying to fix him.  Get rid of him now before it’s too late; before you live together, or he slowly gets you to give him control.  He’s only a boyfriend.  Find a better one to have all those feelings of true love with.

See the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

You’ll need an expert coach to develop specific tactics to get away while keeping your money, car, home, family, friends and job.

Spend this Valentine’s Day alone and work with your therapist or coach to prepare for a loving Valentine’s Day next year.

Of course, women harass, bully, control and abuse men just as much in their own ways, but that will be the subject of a different article.

Stop Family Bullying Over a Favorite Child

The holidays may be over for a while but family harassment, bullying and abuse because of a favorite child still needs to be stopped.  Typical situations are where the parents:

• Praise, defend and give the best presents or position in the Will to their favorite child.
• Put down the rest of the children or designate one as the scapegoat.
• Ignore the faults of one child while continually criticizing the other children.
• Cater to the whims of the favorite child and blame other children who resist.

Of course, I’m not talking about the situation where one child has an illness or disability that requires lifetime care, although even in this case, parents can use the rest of the children to serve the needs of the most needy.  Some parents even decide to have a second child as an organ donor.  I’m talking about the situations in which the children are basically okay, but one is selected as the favorite.

In some cultures the favored child is the son who will inherit everything while the daughters are raised to serve the ruling male.  You can hear them say, “If only you did what your brother wants, we’d have peace and be a loving family.”

Other families label one sister as the “good child” who is held up as a paragon of virtue or success impossible for the other daughters to reach.  You know who the “bad” or “failures” daughters are.  You can hear the parents say, “Ah, if only you were as loving, kind and good as your sisters.”

Sometimes, one child is favored because mom and/or dad think that child is the sensitive one.  His feelings count more than everyone else’s.  Therefore, they say, we must organize our schedules and plans around the wishes of that child.  “After all,” they say, “We wouldn’t want to disappoint your brother or hurt his feelings.”

The situation is even worse when the favorite children know they can get away with anything and use the power to bully and torment the other children.  You recognize all those sarcastic remarks that have hidden meanings and can drive you crazy.

But no matter how hard you’ve tried, no matter what good deeds you’ve performed or sacrifices you’ve made, eventually you realize that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  The favorite daughter’s wish that they could do more or slightest effort will be counted and praised more than yours.

So what can you do?

These situations are tough because they’re based on hidden feelings and attitudes, and because they’ve been going on for decades.  It feels natural by now; “It’s just the way we do it.”

Some typical steps people use to get free from the domination of the family by one sibling are:

1. Inner commitment to break the pattern even if that means going your own way.  Stop your negative self-talk; it’ll create self-doubt and destroy your confidence and self-esteem.  It’s not your fault.  It’s about them and their decision to favor one child over the others.  Your goal can’t be to change their behavior; that’s often impossible.  Your goal is to stand your ground so you can create your own island of good cheer if you have to.
2. Give people a chance by telling them, in private, what you plan to do.  Line up allies if there are any to be had.  Plan specific actions so you can support each other effectively.
3. Plan tactics carefully.  Pick your fights selectively; don’t fight about everything.  You know what’s likely to happen.  What will you say or do in response?
4. Stay calm.  Ignore the little snide comments and put downs that used to drive you crazy.  Don’t argue about the details or the old family history.  Don’t debate who is more worthy or who has suffered the most.  Simply state your needs, standards and decisions.
5. Expect the bullies to spin the story their way, lie and go behind your back to create alliances and pressure groups.  Prepared to be blamed, labeled and shunned.  Prepare to be cut out of the Will.
6. Be persistent.  Have real consequences, like not attending or like leaving early.  Words, arguments and logic don’t count; only actions count.  Stand your ground.
7. Prepare to be surprised.  Often, families will accommodate the most stubborn and difficult person, whether they’re right and fair or not.  You may have to be more stubborn than anyone else.

Get a good coach to help you rally your spirit and plan effective tactics.

Your task is to create a family that honors, respects and appreciates you, a family in which your great efforts are worthy of being honored, a family of your heart and spirit.  That may or may not be the family you were born into.

Stop Gossip Girls' Bullying, Harassment and Abuse at Work

Recent articles in the “New York Times” by Shayla McKnight, in the “Harvard Business Blogs” by Cheryl Dolan and Faith Oliver, and in “Stumble Upon” have focused on the harm done by workplace “gossip girls,” “mean girls” and on the difficulty in stopping these bullies.  However, some academics have even made a case for the benefits of gossip at work. Although men also engage in gossip at work, the typical image of harassment and bullying with gossip involves grown up mean girls using the same tactics they perfected in middle and high school.

Gossip is part of a pattern of negativity, verbal abuse, sabotage, rumor mongering, exclusion, back-stabbing, public ridicule, “catfights,” arguments, vendettas, disrespect, cutting out and forming warring cliques, crowds or mobs that wreaks havoc on previously productive teams.  Conflict and stress, and turnover and sick leave increase, while morale and productivity are destroyed.  These tactics lead to hostile workplace and discrimination suits against companies that don’t actively recognize and remove stealthy gossip girls, their supporters and managers who tolerate the bullying.

Although gossip, harassment and bullying by mean girls are scourges at work, they can be stopped.

Of course there are people for whom gossip is a way of life.  They can’t imagine living without talking about other people.  But if you want to maximize productivity of your team or company, you’ll have to stop these people, as well as the hardened climbers who use gossip to gain power and turf, or who simply like inflicting pain on their victims.

The key to stopping these hostile behaviors is team agreements:

• Ban the practices – have clearly stated company policies and procedures.
• Publicize the no-gossip policy during interviews and new-employee orientation.
• Track behavior as part of evaluations that count.
• Involve the whole team, as well as managers, to hold one another accountable.
• Remove people who insist on their own destructive behavioral code.

Make the overall tone at work be “We have more important things to talk about than gossip.”

Obviously, the burden falls on owners and leaders.  They set the tone.  If they’re the gossip girls or boys, you won’t be able to change their company.

But owners and leaders can’t do it themselves.  They must involve and enroll all the employees.  They must promote and keep only those who actively support the effort to create better attitudes and behavior.

Sometimes the voices of an outside expert and company lawyers are necessary to guide the process.  But ultimately, leaders and employees must take charge of creating an environment where they can thrive without having to look over their shoulders with the same kind of anxiety and fear they had in middle of high school.

Stop Relentless Bullies and Psychopaths Who Take Advantage of Your Politeness

We all recognize as bullies, brutes (male or female) at work or in our love and family lives who hit people or threaten physical violence.  But more bullies get away with their harassment, bullying and abuse by taking advantage of their victims’ rules about politeness. In her article in the Miami Herald, “It's time to get our behavior under control,” Robin Sarantos uses television’s “House” as an example of rude, inconsiderate, arrogant, discourteous, entitled behavior.  He eats other people’s food, searches his boss’ desk, reads a coworkers email, yells at and blames his coworkers.  And we’re supposed to think he’s funny because he’s a wonderful doctor.

But would you enjoy working with someone like him, who goes into your desk, listens to your private calls, says demeaning things about you, curses, cheats, stabs you in the back and spreads gossip and rumors?  Would you enjoy dating or being best friends with someone like that?

Do you enjoy the family members who come for the holidays or family occasions with their vicious, nasty, jealous tongues?  Do you enjoy exposing yourself to greedy, sarcastic or loud mouthed relatives?

What kind of loving relationship could you have with someone who puts you down, exposes your secrets, harasses you or makes cutting remarks with a smile and a laugh – pretending he’s just having a little fun or claiming that you’re too sensitive or can’t take a joke?

Often, when confronted by their smiling viciousness, we’re confused by the double message and think, “Maybe they don’t know how much what they said hurts,” or “If I say something, it’ll sound whiny or nasty.”  Many of us, when we’re surprised, shocked, baffled and stunned, revert to one of the three primitive human responses: We freeze.  And then it’s too late to protest.  Fear not, those bullies will always give you more chances.

Don’t be blinded by romantic feelings of love, or by family duty, or by your fear of a powerful person at work. Politeness doesn’t stop relentless bullies or psychopaths.  Relentless bullies don’t take your hesitation, politeness and passivity as a kindly invitation to respond with civility.  They take your lack of resistance as an invitation to bully you more.  They’re like jackals that sense easy prey.  The problem is not that they’re ignorant of social conventions: They know exactly what they’re doing: Pushing you around and getting away with it.

How do we know the difference between a relentless, abusive bully and a well-meaning person who stepped on our toes by accident?  It’s easy: Look for a pattern.

Well-meaning people who accidently said something hurtful, feel bad, apologize sincerely, make amends and promise not to do that again.  And they don’t do it again.  The last step is the key one: They don’t repeat the behavior.

Bullies will minimize what they did, or justify their actions by blaming on some fault of ours, or go through many of the steps of apologizing.  But they don’t make real amends and they don’t stop.  When bullies whack us and buy us candy or flowers, they’re simply bribing us to be available the next time they want to whack us.

The initial steps in resisting are easy.  We must react.  We may say “Ouch” or we may ask them nicely to stop.  If they’re well-meaning people, they’ll apologize and they won’t behave that way again.  If they’re bullies, we’ll have to do the more difficult work of being more firm and forceful.  Sometimes we can embarrass them to stop the bullying, but with relentless bullies we have to find real consequences that stop them.

If we ignore or minimize, if we beg or bribe them, if we appeal to their civility and manners, we’re asking to be whacked again.

These smiling bullies and control freaks actually produce more bullying incidents than the overt bullies who use violence.  Stop them or live like a frightened deer while they abuse your mind, heart and spirit.

Stop bullying cliques at work

In the last post, we analyzed the tactics bullying cliques typically use and 10 common reasons why people form or join hostile, predatory cliques at work. Both men and women form and join cliques, even through their tactics are often different.  These predators verbally, sexually and physically harass and abuse both men and women.  They sabotage performance.  Don’t be surprised to learn that women prey on other women in the office – you’ve seen the evidence through elementary school, junior high school and high school.

What can you do if:

• You have a pattern of being bullied all your life?
• You’re a target?
• You have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked?
• You’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim?

Bullying, cutting-out and creating and attacking scapegoats comes from a deep place within us and is found in almost all cultures, places and times.

Sometimes you can see that the person on the receiving end has done many things to offend almost everyone else.  But let’s put that situation aside for this post and focus on all the rest of the times when the person being cut out or attacked has been okay and the problem is the group that attacks their scapegoat.

If you’ve been bullied all your life, you have a problem that you’ll have to solve before you can deal effectively with a bullying clique.  Even if you haven’t done anything wrong to the pack of predators, you’re wearing a neon sign: "Kick me."  Lions, wild dogs and sharks can see who the weak and vulnerable ones are.  Bullies can too.  You’ll have to change your attitudes and beliefs so you’ll have a different sign: "Don’t mess with me!"  Let’s also leave this situation for another post.

Many people hope to stop cliques of bullies by analyzing why they do it and then using their understanding to design solutions.  Don’t waste your time.  You know why some people find others to pick on.  That catalogue of reasons is enough.

Management training rarely works.  Textbook and educational approaches – we’ll talk and I’ll show them why it’s wrong and they’ll see the error of their ways and become caring – rarely work.  They won’t stop bad behavior that’s driven by underlying emotions.

Predatory behavior by packs isn’t driven by intellectual reasons, it’s driven by emotions.  Of course the perpetrators can find reasons to justify their behavior, but they don’t do the behavior because of the reasons.  They do the behavior because of their own emotional needs and then they try to cover up the ugliness with a pretty picture of justifications.

Ignoring the problem or begging, bribery and appeasement simply reinforce low attitudes and behavior at all levels.  A major part of the problem are conflict-avoidant leaders, managers and co-workers who think that if we all talk nicely to each other or try to make bullies happy, they’ll stop bullying cliques.

Some real-world, stepwise approaches are:

• Make efforts to be friendly in practical ways, in order to give them a chance to change – without doing anything immoral, illegal or odious.  Bring pizza and donuts.  Cover for them when they need help.  Socialize with coworkers.
• If they continue targeting you (which they usually will), get help to develop tactics to isolate the ringleaders or get them fired.  The key goals are: separation and isolation.  Terminated is better than transferred, because transferred means that you’ve helped them create another bully-scapegoat situation.  How nice is that?
• Get firmer and firmer.  Don’t threaten or share your tactics with them.  Get an attorney to advise you about local laws.  Get allies – HR and managers rarely want to be involved, but give them one chance.  Document, document, document.
• If you have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked, you have an integrity choice to make.  Do you want to live in fear or do you want to win a workplace war?
• If you’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim, you have another integrity choice to make.  Often, if you help a victim, the victim won’t help in return.  Be prepared to act alone, if necessary.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

The strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same – whether they’re men or woman.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend’s daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Beating the CyberBully

In his post on Urban Semiotic, “Beating the CyberBully,” David Boles discusses the hate mail, anonymous and faked comments, and other tactics of cyberbullies.  He lists some cases that have finally been heard by courts with jurisdiction, including the one when a vengeful adult drove a neighboring teenager to commit suicide.  David points out that some states have adopted anti-cyberbullying laws while others don’t It’s so frustrating for parents and kids because we often feel pretty helpless, even when we can see the warning signs of cyberbullying.

I’m glad some states are finally passing laws to outlaw cyberbullying and I hope the Federal government will also.  I’m glad YouTube, MySpace and Facebook also have become part of the policing effort; good for them.  If these social networks don’t take strong action, then parents shouldn’t allow their children to use those sites; whether the kids like it or not.

It’s the only way we’ll have a chance to stop cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

The laws will make it possible to draw the line that outing and prosecuting cyberbullies is more important than the anonymity and privacy that the internet affords … and that we all like.

I don’t let my empathy, sympathy and pity of cyberbullies get in the way of doing what’s necessary to stop their behavior.  Not only put them in prison, but make it illegal for them to get on the net again.  Just like we restrict some activities of convicted felons.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

The signs of cyberbullying

The post on the PC Pandora Blog, “The signs of cyberbullying,” refers to an article by Elizabeth Wasserman, “Warning signs: Is Your Child Having Cyber Issues?”  The original article gives a good list of some of the signs that your child might be having trouble dealing with cyber bullies.  The follow-up post refers to the PC Pandora software that will alert parents if their child is either being the victim of cyberbullying or is even a cyberbully him or herself. The signs they listed were: * Changed work habits, grades slipping, failing tests. * Losing sleep or sleeping too much. * Increased insecurity or irritability.

I would add withdrawal and lack of communication.  These warning signs are really some of the warning signs that teenagers are having problems with any issue they can’t resolve by themselves, not only cyberbullying.  They’re tip-offs that parents need to talk more with their children and find out what’s going on.

However, the solutions suggested by the experts in the article fall short in the real-world.  They all stem from the ideas that kids are experts and parents should not upset or pressure their children too much.  Instead, parents should only make what I think of as weak suggestions.

However, suggestions are nice but are usually not enough.  Most children may be more expert than their parents about technology but: 1. They don’t know what’s best for them.  I hope that as parents with much broader experience, we know a lot that our children don’t and they have already had the opportunity to see that. 2. They’re not more expert than we are about dealing with bullies.  I hope we have many ideas they haven’t thought about, even if that might mean they would have to go outside their comfort zones or we might have to intervene.

We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell us or to problem solve with us.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?  But that’s the universal task.  Their liking it or not is not the most important criterion.

I know parents who have even prohibited their children from wasting time on social networks like YouTube, MySpace and Facebook.  They want their children to have face to face social activities with real people they can judge face to face.  How’s that for a concept.

I also think that to put a dent in the amount of cyberbullying, we’ll need Federal laws to make it illegal and then the willingness of social networks to turn over records of cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

Teacher manipulated by ‘professional victim’, a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

**********

Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

"Mr. Negativity" proudly destroys teamwork

Carl loved the title of “Mr. Negative.”  He was proud of being smarter than anyone else and thought his put-downs were funny.  No matter what you said, he would disagree, counter it or top it.  His personal attacks, sarcasm and cutting remarks could bring most people to tears.  He could create a tense, hostile workplace in minutes. He could bring a brainstorming or planning meeting to a halt by finding fault with every suggestion or plan, and proving that nothing would work.  He was convinced that his predictions were accurate and more valuable to the team than the frustration and anger he created.  On his team, sick-leave and turnover were high, while morale, camaraderie and teamwork were low.  Productivity was also low because most people wasted a huge percent of their time talking about Carl’s latest exploits.

What can you do?

In this case, his manager had heard me present “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes” at a conference, and had brought me in as a consultant.  She wanted me to help her create a culture that would be professional, retain high quality staff and be much more productive.

Why did his manager, Jane, bring me in, instead of simply evaluating Carl honestly and having consequences leading to demotion and eventual termination if he didn’t change?  Jane thought that:

• Carl was bright and expert enough in his specialty that she was afraid of losing him.
• If she was a good enough manager and learned to say the magic words, Carl would straighten out.
• Her hands were tied because Carl was a long-term employee in a government organization.

Coaching helped Jane see that she was victimizing the rest of the team by giving in to her fears and helplessness.  Carl was verbally abusive and emotionally intimidating.  And he was subtly manipulative because he had a soft voice and a smile on his face while he sarcastically cut his co-workers to ribbons.  She saw that if she continued to give in to her fear of losing Carl, she’d lose her reputation and position because her team would mutiny or quit.

Despite these insights, Jane remained a conflict-avoidant manager.  She would allow the team to act, but she wouldn’t lead the way.  Therefore we worked around her.

I helped the team create a set of behavioral expectations for individual professional interactions and for team meetings.  It was no surprise that the list did not included any of Carl’s behaviors, that his behaviors were specifically prohibited and that the list of appropriate behaviors contained the opposite ones Carl had been bullying coworkers with.

The rest of the team voted to accept the code of professional behavior.  Carl said he’d sign but he wouldn’t change his behavior.  He’d been Mr. Negativity as long as he could remember and didn’t think he could change.

That seemed like an impasse.  No one wanted to waste a lifetime waiting for Carl to go through therapy, especially since he didn’t want to change anyway.  I helped the team realize that Carl had no reason to change.  There were no adverse consequences to him if he kept doing what he was doing.  The team needed some leverage.

Since the manager wouldn’t act on her own, the rest of the team took a bold step.  They told Carl that they wouldn’t tolerate his hostility and the tension it caused.  They said that they’d remove him immediately from any meeting in which he started his negative putdowns.  He laughed nervously, thinking they’d never really do that.  He still wouldn’t accept that his behavior was so hurtful and despised.

At the next meeting, of course, Carl was negative as usual.  He was shocked when the rest of the team immediately stood up and told him to leave.  He sheepishly did, with a parting shot that they’d never come up with a good plan without him.

He was wrong.  They did develop a good plan to deal with the problem they’d been working on. They also gave him his assignment within it.  They told him that people who weren’t at meetings must be happy with the tasks assigned to them.  Carl was outraged and protested.  He looked for support from anyone on the team, but everyone was against him.  That also stunned him.  They told him that they were following the team’s behavior code.  He could play according to the rules and take what he got or leave.  They also told him that he could be very likeable when he wanted to and they’d be glad to be on a team with the “likeable Carl.”

It took two more meetings at which Carl was asked to leave, before he began to change.  It was amazing to all of them, including Carl, that what he thought was a life-long pattern, changed when enough leverage was applied.  He really did like what he did and he also had wanted to be liked.

This example is over the top in many ways.  But I have a question for you: Did the rest of the team bully Carl or were they right in voting him off their island when he was an abusive bully?

One general lesson here is: “When the legitimate authority won’t act and, therefore, leaves a power vacuum, the most hostile and power-hungry people usually fill it.  Your task is to fill it with the best behavior instead.”

There are many other ways to solve the problems that the Carl’s of the world cause at work and at home.  A stronger manager would have done it by herself.  Jane obviously had problems as a manager and wouldn't step outside her comfort zone to solve them.  Her boss soon took appropriate action.

It’s also a different matter if the negative person is the manager or boss.  There are many other problem behaviors that can be resolved with the Behavioral Code approach.  In other blog posts I’ll cover those bullying situations at work.

Please tell me your story so I can be sure to respond to it.