Don't let time-wasters impose on you

Are you effective at saying “no” to colleagues who waste your time?  If you answered “no,” you’re not alone. To read the rest of this article from the Dallas Business Journal, see: Don’t let time-wasters impose on you http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/stories/2005/07/18/smallb3.html

We’ve all experienced time-wasters – people who regularly interrupt, gossip, tell bad jokes, share intimate details about their marriages or aches and pains, or go on endlessly about religion, politics or people they’re angry with.

Sometimes, they’re friendly, likeable people and we’re drawn in by their personalities and stories.  Sometimes they’re needy, malicious, annoying people who leave us feeling like we’re buried in dirty laundry, or limp, like our blood has been drained, or so frustrated we could scream.

Whether they waste our time because they’re friendly, bored, lazy, enjoy gossiping, need to tell their sad story, want to be liked or have hidden agendas, they’re oblivious to our need to get back to work.

There are two distinct steps we need to take in order to break free from time-wasters:

• Give ourselves permission to say "No."
• Then make our “no” effective.

The first step is harder than it seems for many people.  These people hold themselves captive to this bullying and abuse because they think the most important value is being nice, kind and not asking directly for what they want.  They let themselves get bullied because they’re too polite to resist.

Other feelings and reasons that typically keep people from setting boundaries effectively are: see whole article.

Time-wasters who ignore standard, indirect cues are rude.  We have to decide what’s more important; old rules about pleasing people or our need to succeed.

We’re not their therapists.  We’ve already tried to solve their problems and failed.  They’ve said, “Yes, but” to every suggestion.  We’ve also tried to like them enough so they won’t feel needy, but they’re always back the next day looking for more.

The second step to saying no effectively is to follow up with effective action.  Asking is not enough because, by definition, relentless time-wasters don’t respond to common, subtle cues.

Imagine a staircase of responses, moving up from the most indirect to more direct, firm ones.  Most people begin by giving indirect cues like ignoring time-wasters when they first come in, looking at their watches, turning away and continuing a task while they’re being talked at.

Since that hasn’t worked, we have to look and sound firmer as time-wasters force us to up the level of our response in order to get them to leave.  Start with a smile, control our side of the interaction and act as consistently as we can.  For more suggestions: see whole article.

A coaching client had been afraid that Mike would tell everyone that she was callous and hostile if she tried to stop allowing him to waste her time.  But when she used the methods we developed, people heard that she was able to get Mike out of her office.  They came to learn her methods.  Soon everyone in their corridor succeeded and Mike had to go to other floors to find listeners.

The exact words don’t matter.  The key is the power of “you” behind the words – our determination and firmness.  Don’t wait until we have a perfect response; simply remove time-wasters.  Actions speak louder than words.

How we cope with time-wasting bullies depends on whether we’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor.  There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Negative, Bullying Self-Talk Will Destroy Your Spirit

Negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode your spirit, sap your strength, ruin your focus and destroy your courage.  Looking at yourself with hostile eyes and talking to yourself with that old critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased voice can be demoralizing and debilitating.  Constant repetition of all your imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide.  Don’t believe it? Think of some examples of relentless self-bullying:

• The abused wife who accepts her husband’s excuses and justifications that his verbal or physical beatings are her fault. She’s to blame for his failures; she’s never good enough.  If only she were adequate, he wouldn’t be so nasty, vicious and violent.  If she talks to herself with his voice, she’ll never leave.  If she accepts the guilt and shame she’ll keep trying to please him, but she’ll never succeed.  She convinces herself she’ll never make it on her own so she stays and endures more brutality.
• The kids bullied at school who tell themselves that they’ll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough or loved. They think it’s their fault they get harassed, teased, taunted and emotionally and physically bullied.  They give in to bullies.  If their nagging, hostile, abusive voices convince them that there’s no hope for a better future, they become the next Phoebe Prince, Tyler Clementi or other young suicides.
• The people harassed at work who’re told they’re dumb, ugly, the wrong color, religion, nationality, gender or sexual orientation. They’re made the butt of jokes and threats; their work ideas are stolen; they’re belittled, ostracized, shamed and passed over for promotions.  If their self-critical voices convince them to give up, their spirits will die.  They won’t be able to summon the will, determination or perseverance to fight back.  They’ll feel overwhelmed and unable to learn the skills they need to protect and defend themselves.
• The kids who think the deck is stacked against them. Their parents have treated them badly or one or both have blamed or abandoned them.  If they convince themselves they’re stupid and not loveable, they’ll give up.  They’ll accept bullying; their own and from other kids.  They shuffle through life, putting themselves down, defeating their efforts before they’ve really begun.  They lose their fighting spirits; the spirit that will struggle against the conditions and vicissitudes of life in order to make great lives for themselves.

Kids who’ve turned off their engines look and act dull and listless; as if they’ve given up already.  You can almost hear their constant inner, self-dialogue.  They’re so distracted by the destructive IMAX Theater in their minds that they can’t pay attention to what’s happening around them.  Their attention is captured by all the putdowns and listing of all their failures, the magnifying of the problems they face, the making of insurmountable mountains out of molehills, the diminishing of each skill or success, the magnifying of each imperfection.  They’re not resilient; the smallest adversity defeats them.  Happiness is fleeting; bitterness and depression is their lot.  Anything good they get is never enough, never satisfying, never brings joy.

Alternatively, they use their engines, often ferociously, to blame their parents and try to beat them into submission, to extract material possessions and guilt, to vent their hatred of themselves and the world onto their parents or onto the one parent who stays and tries to help them.  They bite every hand that’s offered to them.  They fight against teachers and against learning a skill that might make them financially and physically independent.  They explode with sarcasm and rage in response to the slightest nudging.  What a waste.

All the help offered them seems to bounce off.  They won’t accept what’s offered because that hyper-critical, judgmental voice knows better.

They have no inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience.  They feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  They may go down the path to being victims for life.  Their self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed.  Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated.  They move easily toward isolation, depression and suicide.  Nothing will help them until they turn their engines on again.

Compare them to the kids with great engines; always active and alert, always wanting to learn, willing to face and overcome challenges, seeking risk and reward, capable of overcoming adversity.  They have tremendous drive to live and to succeed.

These spirited kids with great engines can tax your patience almost beyond its limits, but the reward is so apparent.  They’ll make something wonderful of their lives.  They won’t give up.  They won’t be defeated by defeats.

Our job as parents with these spirited kids is clear: help them develop great steering wheels so they can direct themselves to fulfill the promise of their great engines in worthy endeavors.  Whatever direction they travel, they’ll go with passion, intensity and joy.  They’ll overcome setbacks by continuing on with renewed effort.  As Coach John Wooden said, “Hustle can make up for a lot of mistakes.”

There is no formula to save kids who turn off their engines.  Even when you know every detail of their history, there is no formula.  There’s only the continued presenting to them of encouragement and opportunity.  Sometimes a mentor or coach is crucial, sometimes a small success that’s a surprise, sometimes an example of someone else’s life will catch their attention.

We know that attempts to improve their steering wheel won’t help.  No lectures about being better, kinder, gentler people will help.  The beginning of a new life for them is the miracle of starting their engines.  Then they grab opportunities for themselves.  Then we can help them with their steering wheels.

Stop Bullies: Unconditional Love Won't Work

I learned by personal and professional experience that unconditional love doesn’t stop real-world bullies.  But others learned the same lesson over 2,500 years ago. Of course, we all have those bad days when everything seems to go wrong and we’re so grumpy that we take it out on the dog or anyone we meet.  But with people like us, a yelp of pain, a kind word, a straightforward appeal, an expression of empathy or sympathy will bring us to our senses.  We’ll be genuinely contrite, make amends and not repeat the behavior again.  But, of course, we’re not relentless, real-world bullies.  We just had a bad day.

Relentless, real-world bullies aren’t stopped when we show them love and kindness.

In fact, they take our love and kindness as signs of weakness and an invitation to increase their bullying.  Here are two ancient examples:

1. In “The Analects,” 14-34, Confucius says: “Requite injury with uprightness.  Requite kindness with kindness.”
2. The “Mahabharata” says, “If you are gentle, [bullies] will think you are afraid.  They will never be able to understand the motives that prompt you to be gentle.  They will think you are weak and unwilling to resist them.”

In other words: If you turn the other cheek to bullies, expect that bullies will misinterpret your moral high ground for weakness and be encouraged to taunt, harass, abuse and attack you more.  If you’re willing to have your cheek slapped, then turn the other cheek.  Or if you think that another part of your anatomy is meant by the saying, be prepared to have your cheek bitted by a jackal.

But don’t believe me or the ancient wisdom.  What’s your experience?

Suppose you classify into two groups:

1. Those who responded to your kindness and love with kind and loving behavior.
2. Those who responded with suspicion blame and further attacks.

Suppose you label the first group “people who act nice to me when we act nice to each other” and suppose you ignore the reasons, excuses and justifications of people in the second group and simply label them as “bullies” or “predators.”  Would that give you a better idea about how to respond effectively and successfully to their behavior?

And what’s your take on history?  Suppose you did the same classification to famous historical figures.  Suppose you though if, for instance, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, General Custer, Cortez, Pizarro, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, the Inquisition and thousands more would have had their lust for power satisfied, and stopped their brutality and conquest if they were faced with kindness, appeasement, begging, bribery or love?

Oh, I forgot to mention all of the martyrs of every religion, race, color, creed, ethnic group or gender.  And how about those wildebeests crossing that crocodile infested river?  Or a limping zebra being watched by lions and hyenas?

So what can you do?

1. Don’t be anxious, afraid, discouraged, depressed or suicidal.  Don’t be angry at the way the world is.
2. Simply requite injury with uprightness.  Be strong, courageous, persevering and resilient.  Stop bullies in their tracks.  Of course, your tactics will vary with the situation.   But your inner qualities and your will and determination will be the same.

With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.  We can overcome childhood rules that aren’t appropriate to our desire to thrive in the real-world.

We can become strong and skilled enough to resist being targeted by bullies and to stop bullies in their tracks.  We can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” has many examples of children and adults getting over their early training and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Colorado Needs Consistent Anti-Bullying Programs

We all remember: Colorado was home to the Columbine High School shootings in 1999.  But as Jessica Fender reports in the Denver Post, “More Consistent Anti-Bullying Program Urged for Colorado,” after 11 years “good intentions have devolved into an uncoordinated approach that ignores best practices in some instances and leaves state authorities with no clear picture of how well the myriad policies work.” As, “Susan Payne, [who] directs the state's Safe2Tell effort, [says,] ‘One of our issues is there is no consistency.  While each school has to have a bullying policy, their policy is unique to their school.’”

They’re right, but laws and policies are only the first of a number of necessary steps.

Instead of thinking about which component is the most important, let’s look at what’s necessary in a different way.  Think of what we need to stop school bullying as if you were imagining a target with a bull’s eye in the center.  Everything in the bull’s eye is necessary.  If you leave out one of the elements in the bull’s eye, you won’t be successful.

So what’s in that core bull’s eye?

1. Effective, well-written laws to specify what’s illegal; that is, what’s bullying.  Without these laws, people like Lori Drew, the mother who set-up the Facebook page and led the attack that caused teenager Megan Meier to commit suicide, can get away with that behavior.  Or the kids who tormented Phoebe Prince, Asher Brown, Jon Carmichael, Ty Smalley, Jaheem Herrera, Brandon Bitner, Samantha Kelly, Billy Lucas, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover and so many others in 2010 until they committed suicide, will also get away with it.  Don’t limit the laws to include only protected categories of victims based on race, sex, religion, sexual preference, etc.  Be inclusive about the abuse, no matter who it’s directed against.  Maybe the phrase about protected categories should be, “…including but not limited to…”  Laws should contain provisions against verbal bullying and cyberbullying, as well as physical violence and abuse.
2. Require all schools to have policies.  Make principals, staff, school district administrators and school boards legally responsible for stopping bullying in their schools.  This way, reluctant, lazy, uncaring principals will be forced to act or face criminal and civil penalties for their failure to protect targets of bullying who are in their care.  Also, responsible officials and administrators will have legal support for taking effective action to discipline bullies in the face of bullying or uncaring parents who would sue them for disciplining their bullying children.
3. Require all schools to have programs designed to stop bullies.  These programs should contain a sequence of swift and firm steps to remove bullies from schools and school activities like sports.  The steps should focus on protecting targets first, and rehabilitating bullies only after they’re removed.  Effective anti-bullying programs also educate bystanders to become witnesses.  That requires spelling out what witnesses should say and do, who they should report to and how principals and teachers will keep them anonymous and protect them.  Effective programs also include close contact with police, especially in cases of cyberbullying and physical abuse.
4. Require training for everyone involved with school children, including bus drivers and cafeteria monitors.  Increase recognition of the more subtle but very pernicious forms of verbal and emotional bullying.  Increase awareness of the difference between episodic arguments and even fights between kids versus destructive patterns of taunting, harassment and physical bullying.  Give all staff specific steps to follow in documenting and reporting bullying.

Colorado’s Safe2Tell program is a wonderful effort to help kids come forward anonymously and to bring legal pressure to bear on bullies, their parents and school officials who need to act.

Of course, laws, policies, programs and training are merely the necessary guidelines on paper.  What makes them effective are dedicated people who are concerned and courageous enough to stop bullying.

Consulting and coaching within individual districts and schools does produce effective programs, stimulates the leadership of strong principals and energizes the support of good teachers and staff.  In addition, there is a natural weeding out of people who choose not to act effectively and shouldn’t be put in positions of responsibility for children’s welfare and education.  Effective programs develop and highlight models of great adults acting on behalf of children.

We don’t need to wait until there are more studies about why bullies bully.  We don’t need to wait until we have more studies to define all the consequences of bullying that turns targets into victims.  We don’t need to wait until we can write perfect laws, policies and programs.

We know enough about the stress, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, negativity, and loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, to know that the effects of being a victim can be life-long.  Just as successful school bullies tend to become bullies as spouses and parents, and bullies at work, so victims of school bullies tend to become victims as spouses and parents, and at work.

We know enough to act now to stop bullies.  We do need to act before more lives are ruined while we analyze, debate and vacillate.  I’d rather err on the side of protecting targets at the risk of being to harsh on a kid that wasn’t really a relentless bully, than the present situation that errs on the side of protecting bullies and leaves targeted children isolated, unprotected, helpless and thinking that suicide is the only way to end the abuse and pain.

Expert coaching of kids and families helps them become strong and skilled enough to resist being targeted by bullies and to stop the bullies in their tracks.  These children do not become victims of bullying.  And their parents learn how to make school administrators, principals and teachers do their duties, even if they’re reluctant.

More Bullies in Public or Private Schools?

In his New York Times Op-Ed column, Charles M. Blow reported on the experience of his three children and the results of a study conducted by the Josephson Institute Center for Youth Ethics, which interviewed more than 43,000 high school students.  He reports that the study showed:

• “Boys who went to private religious schools were most likely to say that they had used racial slurs and insults in the past year as well as mistreated someone because he or she belonged to a different group.
• Boys at religious private schools were the most likely to say that they had bullied, teased or taunted someone in the past year.
• While boys at public schools were the most likely to say that it was O.K. to hit or threaten a person who makes them very angry, boys at private religious schools were just as likely to say that they had actually done it.”

In addition, he says that, “While some public schools have issues with academic attainment, it appears that some private schools have issues with tolerance.  No person is truly better when they lack this basic bit of civility.”

Most of the discussion and argument will focus on whether or not his general conclusions are correct about most private versus public schools.  And many people will base their conclusions on their personal experience in each type of school.

But the important point is not about the generalizations.  Don’t get distracted by academic speculation about the generalizations.  The important point is about the schools your children are going to.

If your children are going to a school that tolerates or encourages other children to think that they’re special and, therefore, that they can tease, taunt, mistreat, bully or abuse people who are different, that’s the situation you need to focus on.

Children need to feel that they’re special and that high standards of behavior are expected of them.  The problem is caused by the idea that, therefore, they can scorn or torment other people who aren’t in their group or who are different.

Bullies will target any difference they can find.  It’s not the difference that causes bullying; it’s the bullies who find the difference.  Of course bullies will focus on race, religion, color, gender, sexual preference, etc.  But we all also know examples of mean girls and mean boys who bully people they decide are too tall or short, too skinny or fat, or who have different hair color or hair style, or different clothes, or who aren’t as fashionable or faddish.

Their bullying can range from verbal, emotional and cyber-bullying to physical violence.  They form cliques or gangs to harass, cut-out, put-down, torment and abuse their targets.  If responsible adults don’t intervene and stop the behavior, bullies will be emboldened to push every boundary and to take power.  Unfortunately, mean parents often encourage their kids; sharing their prejudices and hatreds or thinking that popularity is worth any price.  Also, bullying parents will protect and defend their bullying kids, like Lucius Malfoy protecting his rotten son, Draco, in the Harry Potter series.

I’ve consulted with principals, teachers and staff of both public and private schools, who won’t ignore, tolerate or support bullying.  And we have developed effective programs to stop bullying.  In addition, I’ve seen both public and private schools in which principals, teachers and staff look the other way or condone or even applaud harassment, bullying and abuse.  Some even think that building school spirit this way is worth sacrificing a few weaklings or sinners.

I’ve also coached families of children in both public and private schools to help them learn how to stop bullies and how to be skillful when dealing with reluctant, do-nothing principals.  The “reasons” for the bullying usually vary from situation to situation, but the tactics used by bullies are the similar across the board.

More than generalization to be discussed and disputed intellectually at a party, we’re hit home emotionally by what happens to our children.  If one school, whether public or private, doesn’t stop bullies and it’s your children’s school, that’s the one that counts in your life.

But there is one generalization that cuts across all lines; we can stop bullies before we’ve analyzed in detail the reasons why a particular kid or group of kids selects its target(s) and long before we can teach them to have increased empathy and tolerance.  The first step is always having clear, firm and immediate consequences for the perpetrators.

If we don’t stop bullying and abuse, we’ll continue the downward spiral of stress, anxiety, negativity and depression; of loss of self-confidence and self-esteem; and of increased suicides among targets who become victims because the responsible adults didn’t protect and defend them.

Stop Bullies: Mean Moms Raise Mean Girls

In her article in the New York Times, “The Playground Gets Even Tougher,” Pamela Paul points out that Mean Girls begin their nasty, vicious harassment, bullying and abuse on the playground and in pre-school.  They don’t wait until fifth grade or junior high school. In my experience, mean girls put down targeted kids for whatever reasons they can find – from poor, discounted, unfashionable clothes or the lack of the latest cell phones and bling, to race, religion, physical differences and hair color.  Mean girls also form cliques that ostracize, exclude and cut-out their targets or scapegoats.  Mean girl behavior cuts across all socio-economic categories – inner-city, rural, suburban and expensive, private schools.  The movies, “Mean Girls” and “Camp Rock,” give some graphic examples.

Consequences for the targets can include stomach aches, throwing up and pulling hair out before school, as well as anxiety, nightmares, sleep walking and excessive crying.  Even worse are self doubt, negative self-talk, self-hatred and loathing, loss of confidence and destruction of self-esteem.  Too often, suicide and its effects on families and communities follow. Childhood bullies and mean girls who aren’t stopped usually grow up to become bullying adult as spouses, parents, friends, and at work as co-workers and bosses.  Similarly, targets who become victims unable to stop bullies usually grow to become adult victims as spouses, parents, friends, and at work as co-workers and bosses.

Of course, mean boys are just as bad as mean girls and mean dads are just as bad as mean moms.

In my experience, mean behavior is a natural tactic for many girls to try – children naturally try to take all the toys and to feel powerful and superior by putting down other girls.  Even when they’re very young, some shift into forming mean girl cliques. Let’s point the finger at the source: With children this young, the problem is their parents.  Mean girls have parents who fail their responsibility to channel their daughters into better ways of acting.  The four-fold problem is:

• Mean moms who ignore mean girl behavior at home, on the playground and in preschool.  These moms have many opportunities to step in and teach their daughters how to do better in age-appropriate ways, but they don’t.  I think of these as absentee moms, whatever their reasons – whether they’re simply uncaring or not paying attention or don’t want to deal with it or not physically present.  Nannies can be even less responsible, especially if their employers don’t want to hear about it.
• Mean moms who set a bad example by acting mean to their extended families, to their children and to helpless servers in all forms – waiters, checkout clerks, nannies, maids, etc.  Mean girls imitate what they see and hear from their mean moms, not pious platitudes or empty commands thrown at them.
• Mean moms who encourage mean girl behavior.  They enjoy watching their daughters be popular, superior and controlling.  They may think it’s cute and a sign of leadership potential, but whatever they think, they train their daughters to be mean.
• Mean moms who protect and defend their mean daughters when they get feedback about mean behavior.  Of course, one-in-a-million children will be sneaky enough to be mean only when their parents aren’t looking.  Sneaky, mean girls can bully targets by acting as if the target did something to hurt their feelings and get their protective moms to get the target in trouble.  Or mean girls will simply threaten a target by saying they’ll get their moms to get the target in trouble.  Mean moms collude and often encourage this behavior.  Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series is an example of a mean boy protected by his mean father.

Suppose you’re the parent of a child who’s bullied by a mean girl, what can you do?  If you’re convinced that your daughter was not a provocateur who tried to get the other girl to react and get in trouble, should you talk to the mean girls, their moms, teachers and principals?

• Know your daughter; will she assert and defend herself?  Since she might not talk about the meanness, you have to watch carefully on the playground and look for signs after school.  Mean girls are bullies who try to assert themselves over less assertive and less aggressive children.  Don’t ask your daughter to suffer or “rise above” because a mean girl and mean mom don’t know any better or have difficulties in their lives.
• You might encourage your pre-school or kindergarten daughter to stand up for herself, but you should give plenty of encouragement and specific direction.  Even though your daughter is young, champion her inner strength, courage and perseverance.  She might be a target but she doesn’t have to become a victim.  Never believe mean girls’ opinions and don’t give in to their demands.
• Intervene rapidly when your daughter seems unable to defend herself.  Don’t let the behavior continue.  Say something strongly and firmly to the mean girl.  Girls who were merely experimenting with a mean behavioral tactic will stop and not repeat it.  That’s a test of the girl – nice girls stop when you set a behavioral standard but mean girls don’t.  Mean girls think they’re smarter than you and that they have their own mothers’ protection.
• If the mean girl doesn’t stop, test the mean girl’s mom one time.  Calmly detail the behavior and listen carefully for the response.  Is the mom appalled at her daughter’s behavior or does the mom blow it off or explain it away?  Just as in sports and childhood, your daughter might have been provocateur and then looked innocent when another girl retaliated.  So it’s natural for the other girl’s mother to try to discover the whole context and behavior before the incident.  But does the other mom immediately get defensive and angry, and twist the facts in order to blame your daughter?  Does she insist that her daughter is never wrong?  Is the mean girl’s mom too busy with her own life to educate her daughter or has she turned her child over to a nanny who won’t correct the child?
• If these attempts change the girl’s behavior, you weren’t dealing with a hard-core mean girl and a mean mom.  But mean girls and mean moms aren’t stopped by the easy tactics.  Now you have to cut off after school activities including parties, despite the ramifications.  Also, get the pre-school teachers and principals involved.  Some will be helpful; they’ll keep it confidential, they’ll monitor to get their own evidence and then they’ll intervene.  They’ll get the mean girl out of your daughter’s class, they’ll break-up the clique, they’ll stop the behavior at school and they’ll have proactive programs to talk about mean girl behavior.  Depending on the age of the girls, they’ll teach witnesses what to do.  Unfortunately, unhelpful, uncaring, lazy, cowardly teachers and principals will look the other way or condone or even encourage mean girl behavior.  They’ll put you off with excuses.  Don’t let this happen.  Remember, principals fear publicity and law suits.

Of course, every action plan must be designed for your specific situation; depending on the children, the parents, the school and the relationships.  That’s where expert coaching will help.

Teach your children what’s right and also how to defend themselves.  Don’t convert your daughter into a victim.  Don’t sacrifice your child on the altar of your ignorance, fear or sympathetic heart.  Protect and defend your child even though there may be a high cost socially.

Stop Bullying at Extended Family Holidays

Many types of family bullying are obvious, whether it’s physical or verbal harassment, nastiness or abuse, and targets or witnesses usually jump in to stop it.  The typical perpetrators are mothers and fathers bullying each other or the kids, sibling bullies, bullying step-parents or kids sneakily bullying a step-parent in order to drive a wedge between a biological parent and their new partner. But many people allow extended family members to abuse their children or their spouses, especially at the holidays, because they’re afraid that protest will split the family into warring factions that will never be healed.  They’re afraid they’ll be blamed for destroying family unity or they accept a social code that proclaims some image of “family” as the most important value.

Except in a few, rare situations, that’s a big mistake.

A rare exception might be an aged, senile and demented, or a dying family member whose behavior is tolerated temporarily while the children are protected from the abuse.

But a more typical example of what shouldn’t be tolerated was a grandpa who had a vicious tongue, especially when he drank.  He angrily told the grandchildren they were weak, selfish and dumb.  He ripped them down for every fault – too smart, too stupid; too fat, too skinny; too short, too tall; too pretty, too ugly; too demanding, too shy.  He also focused on fatal character flaws; born lazy, born failure, born evil, born unwanted.

For good measure, he verbally assaulted his own children and their spouses – except for the favorite ones.  He even did this around the Thanksgiving and Christmas tables when the parents and their spouses were present.  He was always righteous and right.

Imagine that you see the fear, stress, anxiety and pain on your children’s faces and on your spouse’s face; you feel the pain and anger in your own heart.  You hate being there; you hate exposing your family to the negativity and abuse.  The rest of the adults try to shrug it off saying, “It’s only dad.  He really does love us.  His life has been hard.”  Or they insist, “Don’t upset the family, don’t force us to choose sides, family comes first.”

What can you do?

I assume you’ve asked him to stop or given him dirty looks, but that only seemed to encourage him to attack you and your children more.  Or he apologized, but didn’t stop for even minute.  When you arrived late and tried to leave early, he attacked your family even more.  He blamed you for disrupting the family.  The rest of the adults also said that it’s your fault you aren’t kind and family oriented enough to put up with him.

What else can you do?

I think you have to step back and look at the big picture – a view of culture, society and what’s important in life.  Only then can you decide what fights are important enough to fight and only then will you have the strength, courage and perseverance to act effectively.

Compare two views: one in which blood family is all important. We are supposed to do anything for family and put up with anything from family because we need family in order to survive or because family is the greatest good.  This view says that if you put anything above family, especially your individual conscience or needs, you’ll destroy the foundations of civilized life and expose yourself in times of need.  In this view, we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves and our children to our biological family – by blood or by marriage.

We can see the benefits of this view.  When you’re old and sick, who else will take care of you but kith and kin?  In this view, the moral basis of civilization is the bond of blood and marriage.  Violate that relationship, bring disunity into the family by standing up for your individual views and you jeopardize everything important and traditional.

In my experience, this view is usually linked to the view that men and inherited traditions should rule.  Boys are supposed to torment girls because that teaches them how to become men.  Girls are supposed to submit because that’s their appointed role – sanctioned by religion and culture.  If men are vicious to women and children, if old people are vicious to the young, that’s tolerated.

Contrast this view with an alternative in which behavior is more important than blood. Your individual conscience and rules of acceptable behavior are more important than traditions that enable brutality and pain generation after generation.  What’s most important in this view is that you strive to create an environment with people who fill your heart with joy – a family of your heart and spirit.

If you choose the first view, you’ll never be able to stop bullying and abuse.  Your children will see who has the power and who bears the pain.  They’ll model the family dynamics they saw during the holidays.   You’ve abdicated the very individual conscience and power that you need to protect yourself and your children.  You’ll wallow in ineffective whining and complaining, hoping that someone else will solve your problem.

The best you can hope for outside the family, when your children face bullies who have practiced being bullies or being bullied at home, is that school authorities will do what’s right and protect your children from bullies.  But how can you expect more courage from them than you have?  Or why shouldn’t they accept the culture which tolerates bullying and abuse, just like you have?

Once you’ve decided that you will stop accepting intolerable behavior, your action plan will have to be adjusted to the circumstances, for example:

• Are you the biological child in the family or merely a spouse?
• Is your spouse willing to be as strong as you?
• Who’s the perpetrator – a grandparent, another adult or spouse, a cousin, a more distant relative?
• Do you see the perpetrator every year or once a decade?
• Do other adults acknowledge the abuse also?

Expert coaching and good books and CDs like “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will help you make the necessary inner shifts and also develop a stepwise action plan that fits your family situation and newly developed comfort zone.  For example, see the case studies of Kathy, Jake and Ralph.

Keep in mind that while you hope the perpetrator will change his or her behavior, your goal is really to have an island with people who make every occasion joyous.  You must be prepared to go all the way to withdrawing from family events or to starting a fight that will split the family into two camps.  But at least you’ll be in a camp in which you feel comfortable spending the holidays.

Be prepared to be pleasantly surprised.  Sometimes when one person speaks up, many others join in and the combined weight of opinion forces an acceptable change.  Sometimes if you say you’ll withdraw, you’ll be seen as the most difficult person in the room and the rest of the family will make the abuser change or ostracize him or her.

Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use

There are too many reports of workplace harassment and bullying to list.  It seems that at least 30 percent of managers and employees are bullied and harassed.  Many critics and experts focus only on bullying bosses, but I’ve seen just as many employees and coworkers use these bullying methods as I have managers and supervisors.  Gangs of managers and staff also harass and bully each other.  Men and women bully each other in all combinations. How can you recognize the most common methods used for bullying and harassment?

The top 7 tactics I’ve seen are:

1. Yelling and physical threats (overt or subtle).
2. Personal attacks, verbal abuse, emotional intimidation, insults, put-downs and humiliating, demeaning, rude, cruel, insulting, mocking and embarrassing comments.  False accusations (especially outrageous) and character assassination.  Demeaning behavior at meetings – interrupting, ignoring, laughing, non-verbal comments behind your back (rude noises, body language, facial gestures, answering phones, working on computers).
3. Harassment based on race, religion, gender and physical attributes.  Sexual contact, lewd suggestions, name-calling, teasing and personal jokes (sometimes overtly nasty, or threatening or sometimes followed by laughter as in, “I was just kidding” in order to make it hard for you to fight back).
4. Backstabbing, spreading rumors and gossip, manipulating, lying, distorting, hypocrisy and exposing your problems and mistakes.  Anonymous attacks and cyber bullying – flaming e-mails and porn.  Invading your personal space and privacy – rummaging through your desk, listening to phone calls, asking extremely personal questions, eating your food.
5. Taking the credit; spreading the blame.  Withholding information and then cutting you down for not knowing or for failing.  Turf wars about budgets, hiring, copiers and coffee machines.
6. Hypersensitive, over-reactions, throwing tantrums (drama queens, sensitive princes), continual negativity – so you walk on egg shells, back off in order to avoid a scene, or beg forgiveness as if you really did something wrong.
7. Dishonest evaluations – praising and promoting favorites, giving slackers good evaluations and destroying the careers of people bullies don’t like.

Most bullies use combinations of these techniques.

Bullying at work creates a hostile and unproductive culture.

• There’s increased hostility, tension, selfishness, sick leave, stress-related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.
• People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes.
• Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks decrease.
• Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

I’ll go into possible solutions in future posts.  But for a start, listen to the CDs “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes.”

What can you do if the new bosses want to fire you?

I received a number of confidential responses to my blog post on “Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace.”  One theme in many responses was about the question: “What should I do if leadership has changed and the new bosses want me gone so they can bring in their own people?” That’s a situation I’ve also seen many times in my consulting.

What would you do?

Consider Jake.  The new bosses want him gone so they can bring in people they know or people who will be beholden to them.  Jake tries to prove to them that he’s a great manager, but they systematically undercut his authority.  He used to get good evaluations, but his new bosses are very critical.  They blame him for everything that goes wrong with his team.  He’s the scapegoat.

Jake is furious.  It’s unfair; they’re bullies and he’s being abused.  He’s a good worker and he’s trying hard.  He wants to meet them half way, but they don’t want to.  Nothing he does convinces them he’s a good performer.  He’s hurt, frustrated and angry.  Jake wants to fight back, but when he acts on his anger, they write him up.  It’s a hostile workplace.

I think Jake is beginning at the wrong place – how can I fight back and show them I’m good?  How can I preserve my reputation with them?  Jake can’t fight back by showing them that he’s a good manager, team leader and individual performer.  He can’t preserve his reputation with them.  They don’t care.  He’s not an individual to them.

Of course it’s hard to be treated that way.  One of the hardest things for us as Americans in our little slice of time is not to be treated as individuals.  Jake is being treated as a class of people: He’s in the class of people called, “Hired by the old bosses and not one of our new people.”  When you're treated that way, there's little you, as an individual, can do to change their minds.  Unless you can get them to see you as an individual.

The new bosses criticize him as if he’s a problem employee.  Jake takes their hostility personally.  He returns their hostility and wants to prove himself.  But he’s not a poor employee and it’s not personal, even though it has personal consequences for him.

When he takes it personally, he can’t think tactically and he makes it worse for himself.  When he gets frustrated, hurt and angry, he acts out and gives them excuses they can document for getting rid of him rapidly.  He gets poor evaluations and terminated before he finds another job.

This situation is similar to that of Charles, case study #10 in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

I think that the place Jake has to begin is, “Who should I be/how should I look at it?”  Here’s what I mean.

Amy is in the same position as Jake: the new bosses want to get rid of her and many other leaders in the company.  Unlike Jake, she accepts that it’s not about her as an individual, even though it has individual consequences for her.  With coaching, she doesn’t take it personally.  She doesn’t like it any more than Jake does, but she can step back and plan her tactics thoughtfully.  How can she defend herself?

First she asks if there’s anything she can do to become one of the new team.  The answer is, “No.”  She doesn’t like what’s happening, so she finds out if they’re violating any protected categories.  Are they going after people on the basis of gender, age, race, religion, disabilities, etc?  No, it’s the new broom sweeping clean.

She doesn’t want bad evaluations on her record, so she makes them an offer: “If you give me good evaluations, recommendations and severance while I look for another job, I’ll go quietly and gracefully in a shorter time than it will take you to force me out.”  They agree.  They just want her gone as soon as they can and with as little fuss as they can.  With a good recommendation, Amy rapidly gets a better job as part of someone’s new team.  The severance enables her to get double pay for a few months.

Notice Amy’s sequence:

1. Don’t take it personally and defend yourself by thinking tactically.
2. See if you have a legal grievance.
3. If the deck is stacked against you, plan to leave with good recommendations.
4. Bargain for time to get a better job with people who appreciate you.

Jake needs to change how he looks at it so that he can change his impossible goals - getting the bosses to see him as a worthy individual they should keep or leaving with them thinking he’s as good an employee as he really is.  They don’t care about his feelings or the truth about how he’s performed.  But they’d rather keep things civil and pleasant enough for them, and maybe squeeze a little work out of him or just squeeze him because they don't like the old team.

Amy is glad to be gone and happy at her new job.  Jake is still bitter.  That shows up when he interviews for new jobs.

I know it sounds unfair, but there it is.

What’s been your experience?

Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace

Bullies at work can ruin a culture, destroy productivity and make your life miserable.  Many people focus only on bullying bosses, but I’ve seen just as many coworkers and employees use these bullying methods as I have managers and supervisors.  Before you read the top ten I’ve seen, please think for a moment.  What bullying methods used by whom, have you seen most? Have you seen these techniques ruining your workplace?

1. Yelling, physical threats (overt or subtle) and personal attacks.
2. Verbal abuse, emotional intimidation, personal insults and attacks (in private and in public).  Put-downs and humiliating, demeaning, rude, cruel, insulting, mocking and embarrassing comments.  False accusations (especially outrageous), character assassination.
3. Harassing based on race, religion, gender and physical attributes.  Sexual contact, lewd suggestions, name-calling, teasing and personal jokes (sometimes overtly nasty, or threatening or sometimes given with laughter as in, “I was just kidding” in order to make it hard for you to fight back.
4. Backstabbing, spreading rumors and gossip, manipulating, lying, distorting, evading, hypocrisy and exposing your problems and mistakes.
5. Taking the credit; spreading the blame.  Withholding information and then cutting you down for not knowing or for failing.
6. Anonymous attacks and cyber-bullying – flaming e-mails and porn.  Invading your personal space and privacy – rummaging through your desk, listening to phone calls, asking extremely personal questions, eating your food.
7. Hypersensitive, over-reactions, throwing tantrums (drama queens) – so you walk on egg shells, back off in order to avoid a scene, or beg forgiveness as if you really did something wrong.
8. Dishonest evaluations – praising and promoting favorites, giving slackers good evaluations and destroying careers of people the bully doesn’t like.
9. Demeaning at meetings – interrupting, ignoring, laughing, non-verbal comments behind your back (rude noises, body language, facial gestures, answering phone, working on computer).
10. Forming cliques and ganging up.  Turf wars about budgets, hiring, copiers and coffee machines.

Most bullies use combinations of these methods.

We’ve all seen the effects of bullies and the hostile workplace they create.  There’s increased hostility, tension, selfishness, turf wars, sick leave, stress related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.  People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes.  Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.

Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks are decreased.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

The wrong people or the wrong culture can always find ways to destroy the best operational systems. Your pipeline will leak money and your profits will plummet.

I’ll go into solutions in future posts, but I want to mention one frequently used tactic that does not work to stop dedicated bullies.  It’s based on the false assumption that if we – educate, explain, understand, reason, show the consequences, accept, forgive or make enough attempts to satisfy bullies – then they will become reasonable, civil, professional, friendly and good to work with.  That approach only stops people who are not really bullies, but have forgotten themselves one time and behaved badly.

Determined bullies don’t take your acquiescence as kindness.  They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to grab for more.  Bullies bully repeatedly and without real remorse.  You won’t get a sincere apology from them.  A sincere apology doesn’t mean anything about how they look.  It means that they change and stop bullying.

I’d like to hear your horror or success stories.