Managers - Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

Have you caught yourself or other managers whining about staff, “They should have gotten that done but they just goofed off.”  Or “I expected them do that without direction but when I checked, they got it all wrong.  And look at what we pay them.”  Or “I have to do everything myself; no one trained them and I can’t trust them.” Stop whining and start managing; the buck stops at your desk.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Managers – Evaluate Honestly and Consistently or Fail

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2001/02/12/smallb4.html

Whether you have inexperienced or experienced people, train and manage them so you’re thrilled with their work.  There are no excuses – it’s your job.  Learn to do it well or do something else.

The key to management is honest, consistent evaluation – and all the steps that go into effective and appropriate course correction.  If you don’t track consistently, you’ll spend much more time picking up the pieces.  Sporadic or dishonest tracking reinforces poor performance, fear, hostility, anger and lawsuits.

Some of the keys to successful managing are (see the original article for details):

1. Know each person.  Estimate how long you think each task will take.  Integrate, prioritize and agree on professional and personal goals, and standards of behavior and communication.
2. Clarify what the final product or service will look like.  Determine milestones and timelines, final goals and deadlines.  Don’t wait until the last minute.
3. Specify responsibility, authority, support (resources, personnel) and constraints.  Clarify what they can do their way and what must be done your way or the company way.  Clarify accountability.  Clarify rewards and consequences.
4. Determine what to do if there’s a question, problem or new information to be taken into account.
5. Now manage – oversee the project. Give accurate, honest feedback.  Keep records.
6. Remove poor performers, trouble-makers, bullies and people with low attitudes.

You can’t manage if you’re afraid, lazy, a control freak or too busy.  What you don’t evaluate, won’t matter – you’re telling them that it’s OK if they blow it off or do it poorly.

Stand up for the standards – set the tone and do the work.  Of course it’s hard - if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Entitled Teenagers Think Their Feelings Come First

Do you have trouble getting your teenagers to do what they don’t want to?  Do your entitled teenagers think their feelings come first in all things? How about your two-year olds or ten year-olds?

Of course, babies must try to get the world – their parents – to give them everything they need.  They’d die if they didn’t get us to feed them even when it’s inconvenient for us – say, at two in the morning or when we want a romantic evening or we want two minutes of peace and quiet.

Our task is to teach them, in age and stage appropriate ways, as they grow up, that:

• Their feelings are not the most important things in the world.
• There are many times when tasks and other people are much more important than their feelings.
• They can change their feelings.
• They shouldn’t let themselves be ruled by their feelings.
• It's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want.

If they don’t learn these crucial lessons, they’ll grow up selfish, narcissistic and weak, with no self-discipline.

In fact, graduating well from college often demonstrates the ability to be self-disciplined, delay gratification and do many things students think are stupid and useless.  Completing college shows job recruiters that the person is willing to do what’s necessary even under adverse circumstances – good qualities for a job, a marriage and being a good parent.

But if we’ve given into our kids from age two until they’re teenagers, we’re in for a tough time.  It’s hard to begin to teach them those lessons when they’re teenagers.  Think of most of the kids from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory;” examples of arrogant, entitled, rotten brats.

Nevertheless, we must begin.  We must:

• Set boundaries and limits, with real consequences if they don’t participate gracefully and graciously.  Asking without consequences is begging.
• Teach them that we will require them do some other things for other people and that some tasks are more important than whether they want to or not.  To demonstrate maturity and responsibility worthy of rewards they must do these obligations willingly, pleasantly and competently.
• Acknowledge their feelings (“Of course, you feel that way”) especially when we point out that just because they feel that way, doesn’t mean they get what they want from us or from the world.
• Teach them not to waste their time fighting with us to get what they want, but instead to struggle to get what they want against the least of them and against the world.  They cannot allow their anger to control them.  Calling us names, cursing, yelling or physical violence will get them severe consequences – even the police.
• Praise and encourage the wonderful person we know or hope is still living deep within them, wanting to emerge and take charge of their lives.  That inner spirit can learn other techniques to get what they really need.

The more even-handed and matter of fact we are, the more we apply our standards calmly and smilingly, but firmly and without negotiation or argument, the more we’ll succeed.  If your teenager fights to the death over everything, you have a very serious problem.

I am certainly not saying that they never get to vote on what they do or even get to rule in certain areas.  I am certainly not saying that we should break their spirits or beat them into submission.

I am saying that we insist they be part of a community that sometimes requires them to serve goals and relationships more important than their feelings.

Of course, they will resist.  They will:

• Try to manipulate, harass, bully and abuse us like they’ve done before.
• Try to get us into arguments about what’s fair.
• Pretend that if they’re not convinced, they don’t have to do things they don’t want.
• Try to blame, guilt and shame us.

A good guideline for us might be, “I’ll consider what you want if you make it fun for me.  And you will still have to do some things you don’t feel like.  And you will never get what you want by whining, complaining or trying to beat me into submission.”

Usually, as the teenagers get close to leaving home on their own or as we prepare to throw them out, we begin to back off.  We see that, as much as we worry, they simply won’t learn from our words of wisdom but, instead, they’ll only learn when the world teaches them these lessons.

We can prepare for when they’re gone by saying that we look forward to an adult relationship.  We won’t nag them about all the things we do now when we see them every day and when they’re living under our roofs.  After they leave, we’ll want to see them for fun times – whatever those happen to be.  And the rule will be that we will do things that are interesting and fun.  How’s that for a new relationship?

Of course, we also encounter people who think their feelings count more than anything else at work, and with spouses, friends, relatives and neighbors.  If you’re dating a person who thinks they’re the center of the universe, get away as soon as you can.  Don’t think you’ll change them.  Let them learn on somebody else’s body, heart and spirit.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Controlling, Abusive Spouses

Alice’s husband criticized, harassed, bullied and controlled her.  Even though she felt that the longer she stayed with him, the more she would lose herself and her future, for many reasons, she was afraid to stand up to him. She wondered how long it would take for her to develop the courage, strength and skill to get away and make it on her own.

Helped by coaching, Alice went through two steps:

1. Developing the courage, strength and determination to get away, no matter what obstacles she put in her mind or he put in her path.  She developed the endurance and flexibility necessary to pick up her spirits, no matter how she felt.
2. Creating a plan and carrying it out successfully.  That meant adjusting the plan as she saw what worked and what wasn’t effective.  That also meant continuing on no matter how many times she fell down; getting up one more time than she fell.

Breakthroughs and step-throughs.  The inner shift can be:

1. Immediate and sudden (a breakthrough).
2. Slow and building until a critical mass or tipping point is reached, at which point there is a breakthrough moment.  That’s like the old quote: “At long-last, to be enlightened instantly.”
3. Slow and cumulative (step-throughs).

Alice followed the second path.  She had to remove all her objections one-by-one before she was ready to take the last step.  For example, she had to overcome her ideas that:

• She deserved everything she got because she wasn’t perfect or wasn’t the way he wanted her to be.
• She would be weak and bad if she gave up on him; if she stopped thinking he could change.
• She had taken a holy vow to be his wife; she must keep it, no matter what.
• She couldn’t make without him.
• The kids needed a father.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d commit suicide and it’d be her fault.
• If she stood up or left him, he’d ruin her reputation or kill her and get the kids.

One step at a time got Alice there.  Often we want to see if each next step is okay, not a disastrous change in life, before taking the one after that.  We don’t want to step off a cliff – especially since the future is really not clear and we can’t predict with certainty that the ground is stable and firm ahead.

Finally, one night, in front of the kids, he grabbed her, put his face right next to hers and yelled that he would never change; she could expect him to do this every day or every moment he felt like it and it was important for the kids to see who the boss was.

Something in Alice snapped; she had a breakthrough. It was over for her.  Instead of the usual flash of hot anger followed by guilt and fear, she felt a cold determination fueled by rage.  She was done taking his bullying…forever.

Outer change usually requires more time (step-throughs):

• Skill learning is often step-through.
• Alice had to learn to resist her own self-bullying, guilt, fear and falling back.
• She had to resist the attempts of people to lure her or order her to go back.
• She had to resist her fears that he would take everything, including the kids, or that she’d be unable to support them.
• She had to resist her fears of being alone when some people they were once friendly with deserted her and took her husband’s side.
• She and her lawyer had to adjust her plans in response to his dirty tricks.
• She had to explain to the kids and to not give in to their attempts to minimize or ignore her husband’s behavior.

Alice discovered that each step taken successfully reinforced the next step and made the process faster.  Someone told her it was like continuous improvement in the workplace.  She felt it was more like learning to walk.  And one small step can change your life.

Both leapers and stepper can get free.

Looking back, Alice realized she couldn’t stop her husband from behaving the way he chose, but she could get him out of her environment; she could create a bully-free zone around herself and her children.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk

Yes, life can be unfair and painful. But deciding what’s worth time doing something about and how to deal with it, is what can make your future great or miserable. If there’s a fly in your soup or the wrong entrée was brought, don’t just grin and bear it.  Get what you ordered, well prepared.  But you don’t have to whine or be an obnoxious jerk about it.

To read the rest of this article from the Cincinnati Business Courier, see: No Whining Complainers: No More Victim Talk http://cincinnati.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/stories/2003/01/20/smallb5.html

Whining complainers come in typical forms and for obvious reasons.  See the original article for details.

• Whining complainers try to get sympathy and free goodies, to be the center of attention, to protect themselves from consequences and to control other people.
• “Professional victims” can find a cloud behind every silver lining.  Their lack of success is never their fault: it’s their genes, upbringing, bad luck, lack of support, previous poor decisions they can’t overcome, or powerful forces from outer space.  They can get power by this form of bullying.
• After “Energy vampires” leave, you feel like you’ve been drained of a quart of energy.  It’s hard to get back to work.
• “Dumpers” hurl so many problems on you that you need a shower.  And it’s then easy for you to waste even more time, sharing the garbage with someone else.
• “Blamers” specialize in righteous indignation, anger, temper tantrums and explosive silences.
• “Self-flagellators” proudly exhibit their badges of guilt and shame. When you realize the exhibition doesn’t help them do better, you wonder whose benefit the virtuoso performance was for.
• “Professional critics” are never satisfied.  But they’ve lost their sense of proportion.  They don’t distinguish between inconvenience, annoyance, irritation and serious problems.   They overreact, have no sense of which battles to fight or of political give-and-take and they never let anything rest; even problems can’t be solved.

Whining complainers live in a state of perpetual childhood, full of narcissism, greed and lust for power, isolated and avoiding responsibility for their problems and their futures.  And they take that out by harassing coworkers.

Moods are catching. If you wallow in feeling sorry for yourself or if you’re habitually overwhelmed, panicked, discouraged or angry, everybody and everything suffers.

Whining complainers decrease morale, divide loyalties, increase sick leave and turn over, and destroy productivity.  If you let them stay in your workplace they will sap its life‘s blood.  Stand up for great attitudes and replace whining complainers with people whose passion for life and work pour out of them.

A culture of whining complainers becomes a litigious culture, in which people take no responsibility for what they do.

I’ve focused on whining complainers and critics in the workplace, but, of course, the same could be said about them in personal life – whether it’s your spouse, kids, family or friends.

You can focus on what’s wonderful and what gives your life meaning, value, richness and joy, or you can whine and complain.

After a recent presentation, one person said that he had changed his life: in order to have the future he wants, he just doesn’t have time to sulk, complain or look for sympathy.  His first job is to practice keeping his spirit up while solving important problems.  He also doesn’t have a lot of time to listen to losers.  He chooses to be around winners who take things in stride.

It’s your life. You have the same choice.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop asking a bullying spouse for permission

Even after 30 years of marriage, Jane was angry at her bullying husband, Joe.  He just wouldn’t stop violating boundaries she was trying to set. For example:

• When she said she didn’t want to talk about something, he kept nagging her with probing questions.
• When she said she didn’t want to do things that offended her, he kept asking “why” and argued against every reason she offered until she finally gave in.
• When she wanted to do something he didn’t like, even though she could afford to pay for it with money she’d earned, he called it stupid, dumb, wrong and uncaring, and he ignored her requests to back off until she finally took the path of least resistance and didn’t do it.

Jane blamed Joe but her primary problem wasn’t him. Her real problem was her own rules, rules, beliefs and attitudes, which kept her stuck in his relentless harassment and control.

Joe is a relentless, narcissistic, manipulative control-freak.  He’d been that way all their lives.  Even though the children were now independent and Jane had her own money, she still gave into him.

She was still rewarding him, giving him a doggie treat every time he beat her into submission with his arguments or withheld his approval and permission.  She’d trained him to think he’d succeed because she’d given in for 30 years.

Some of her old, ineffective rules and beliefs were:

• If she was smart and reasonable enough, she’d win an argument and he’d give her permission to do what she wanted.
• She was selfish and guilty if she did what she wanted against her husband’s demands, commands and wishes.
• She needed his permission before she did what she wanted.
• She needed him to empower her.

She needed to free herself from her self-imposed slavery, her self-bullying.

After a long-sought for epiphany, Jane realized she could simply take power, whether he gave her permission or not.

She released her out-of-date, ineffective, childhood rules and decided to adopt new ones as an adult.  She’d stop playing her old games.

• She didn’t have to answer his questions. She’d been raised to think that a polite person always answered other people’s questions and the only way to avoid embarrassing subjects or unending interrogations was to convince the other person to stop asking those questions.  Now she’d simply look him steadily in the eye and not answer, or she’d say she wasn’t answering and walk away.  When he followed her with more questions, she’d simply ignore him and go about her business.
• She didn’t need to justify herself according to him. She didn’t need to prove herself or show she deserved.  She didn’t need his approval or permission.  Because she wanted or didn’t want, arrived at after due consideration, would be enough for her.  At the beginning, she’d be better off not giving reasons because, if she did, he’d think it was the old rules and he’d argue forever.  Later, she might say why she did something but it would only be for information, not to ask his permission or to make things acceptable to him.
• She let go of her guilt. What she wanted wasn’t bad or crazy.  That was enough for her.  She didn’t have to please him or submit in order to prove that she was a good person.
• She stopped thinking she had to please other people. Other people didn’t get to vote.  Instead, she’d test other people.  She wouldn’t allow people who repeatedly tried to get her to do what they wanted to get close to her.  Since what she wanted wasn’t bad or expensive, she’d let those who were comfortable with her come close to her.
• She decided that their children could choose to be thrilled and heartened by her new strength, courage and determination. They could be helped by her new example in their lives.  She’d maintain a distance from any who tried to manipulate or bully her into submission.  She didn’t need to justify or seek their permission either.
• She let go of being responsible for Joe’s behavior. She didn’t think he’d commit suicide; he wouldn’t want her to be free.  But even if he did, she wasn’t doing anything bad.  She wasn’t responsible if he was weak or dumb.

Did it work? Do you mean, “Did he change?  Did she finally submit again?  Did she divorce him?”  Does her case study really effect how you’ll create the rest of your life?  Do you want to create your life the way you hope it will be or must you first have evidence that your plan will bring you happiness.

Follow your bliss.  Even if you don’t get rich or some old friends or loves reject or abandon you, you’ll be living your bliss.  And you’ll attract new people who want to share your bliss.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop a Critical Perfectionist in Your Family

Alice’s mother, Helen, was a critical perfectionist.  Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was done right; nobody could please her, no matter how hard they tried.  She’d been that way as long as Alice could remember and Alice had lived in fear of her mother’s attacks at least as long. There had been hundreds of incidents before, but the one that finally pushed Alice over the line was at Helen’s retirement from work when she was seventy.  Helen said she didn’t want a party.  Alice argued; seventy and retiring were big events, Helen deserved a big celebration, the family wanted to get together.  But Helen was adamant, so Alice gave in and made no plans.

The night before her retirement, Helen called Alice and asked when the big party was; she’d been given no details and Alice was a lousy daughter for not planning a party exactly the way Helen wanted.

Alice was stunned but managed to get her brain working.  Hurriedly she picked the following Saturday for the event.  Alice asked Helen who she wanted invited and what she wanted at the party.  Helen said that anything would do, she wasn’t picky.

Alice ignored a nagging feeling that she was being set up as usual.  She did her best.  She invited all the family and a few friends Helen had from work.  She organized a potluck.  On the big night, there was plenty of food and everybody seemed to have a good time.

The next morning her mother called Alice and started abusing her.  Nothing had been right at her party.  She’d invited all the wrong people, had all the wrong food, the party was too small and there was not enough praise for Helen’s long years of hard work.  Helen was mortified that Alice was such an incompetent and miserable hostess, and an uncaring, unloving daughter.

Because Alice had sought coaching previously, she was prepared.  Something in her snapped.  After all these years of submitting to her mother’s abuse, Alice had had enough.

She said she had a new rule when facing a bullying control-freak: just say “No.” No more hiding things and pretending; Helen was mean, nasty and no fun.  No more looking the other way; no more colluding or enabling Helen’s behavior.  No more planning for Helen.  If Helen wanted to see her, she’d have to stop that behavior immediately.  If she needed therapy, she should go get it.

Before Helen could interrupt, Alice went on.  She was not going to open herself to the usual abuse Helen heaped on her every year so her mother wasn’t invited to have Christmas with them.  Alice and her family were gong to relax and enjoy the holidays without any complaining, sarcasm or put-downs.  Then she said good-bye.

Alice immediately called everyone in the family and told them what she’d told her mother.  Of course, they knew how Helen had always been.  Now that a heroine had stepped forward, a few who had always submitted and endured Helen’s past behavior were willing to support Alice by agreeing with her in public and even telling Helen what they thought of her behavior.

With her own children and their families, Alice also insisted on a new family rule: When someone tries to do something nice for you, just say “Thank you.”

Of course, Alice was soon smitten with guilt and self-bullying.  She thought she’d gone too far and she really was ungrateful and unloving.  She’d expected those thoughts and had planned not to act on them.  She took a cold shower instead.  And she stuck to her plan.

It was scary for her to stand up for her own standards; to act in public like the person she wanted to be.  But she kept herself on track by remembering she was setting a good example for her children and their spouses.  Later, she was kept on track by the pleasure she felt when her children and some of her extended family started saying “thank you” instead of complaining.

Critical perfectionists come in all sizes and shapes, create hundreds of different situations and attack in many overt and covert ways.  Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Managerial totalitarians sabotage their own success

Are you tolerating mid-level dictators in your organization – managers who are succeeding by bullying the people who work for them?  If so, you are buying short-term success at the cost of long-term failure. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Managerial totalitarians sabotage their own success http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2003/11/17/smallb5.html

When you focus on driving sales, streamlining operational costs and increasing profit, you’ll tend to ignore almost any behavior that succeeds at organizational levels below yours.

You’ll even allow mid-level tyrants to verbally flog their crews as long as they get the desired results.  Then you’ll be mystified when today’s successful practices unravel next year.

Within a year after they’ve succeeded, managerial dictators sabotage their initial success by stifling creativity and differences of opinion, and by thwarting personal desires.

Repressed egos, resentment, turf fights, backbiting and resistance come to the fore.  Verbal bullying no longer increases morale, wounds are opened in public, and once-proud allies start pointing fingers as performance and teamwork fall.

To maintain productivity and profitability gains, company officials need to recognize abusive behaviors and develop corrective actions to reform or eliminate these tyrants.

Some common traits of mid-level bullies: - See the original article for details.

• They think that anyone who doesn’t see that they know best is a jerk.
• Talking with them isn’t a discussion; it’s an argument.
• They treat subordinates and peers with distain and contempt.
• Nothing bad is ever their fault and, “If only those people wouldn’t screw up, we could succeed.”  Every success results from their ideas and work.
• They’re nitpicking masters of blame and righteous indignation.
• They often ridicule and undermine leaders’ intelligence and authority.
• They think they shouldn’t have to answer to anyone who doesn’t agree with them.
• Their units may fill their quotas but will obstruct other departments’ efforts so the overall project suffers.

Recognize the overlooked costs of their behavior: - See the original article for details.

• Initial success isn’t maintained and new initiatives are sabotaged.
• Personal squabbles spread and consume too much company time and energy.
• Supervisors don’t learn effective leadership skills; they’re promoted because they stroke the dictator’s ego and verbally beat their own crews.
• Since they play favorites, employees may sue.
• Abuse, resistance and mutiny spread to their staff and other departments – decreasing productivity throughout the company.
• The best, most creative employees in all departments leave.  Former employees badmouth the company in the small community of your industry.

Some steps to change their behavior: - See the original article for details.

Petty tyrants often rise because they succeed.  Their force of will and skill do make some other people work harder.  They’re difficult to change because they think they’re smarter than anyone else, and their fear, anger, training and stylistic habits are powerful.

If you allow managers to act like petty tyrants, the buck stops at your desk.  Either you agree with that behavior, or they hid it from you, or you were too busy focusing elsewhere or you accepted it because it produced results.

Usually they must be forced to change.  Help them see that another way can be successful, that they won’t lose respect or rank, and that they can still feel in control.  Make them see that if they don’t change, they’ll be released.

Behaviors demonstrating progress: - See the original article for details.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop bullying: The "no-karma divorce"

I saw a wonderful book title, the “Good Karma Divorce,” by Judge Michele Lowrance and I want to share what I’ve learned through long experience guiding people through “no-karma divorces.” Let’s consider the easy situation – no young kids or a joint business involved.  If you have those added degrees of difficulty, the guidelines and strategy are the same, but you’ll have to develop different tactics to fit your specific situation.

If two people work together amicably to divorce and then work at getting along afterward, it’s easy to have a no-karma divorce.  But what if one person is done with the way the intimate relationship has been while the other person wants to fight to keep the same old patterns going?

Jane knew soon after she married Joe that her husband was not the man she’d dated.  He began to be weak and inept.  She had to do all the physical labor to keep the house clean, the mental acrobatics to keep them solvent despite his spending on his toys and also the emotional work to keep him happy so he wouldn’t get depressed, angry and even more useless.  In addition, he became mean, nasty, sarcastic, controlling and blaming.  Everything had to be done his way or he’d sulk, blow up and verbally attack Jane.

In the beginning, Jane didn’t think of leaving.  She felt stuck; she was pregnant, she’d been raised to be a people-pleaser and she had promised to obey him all her life.  She kept thinking that it was her duty to do all the work and that if she was a good enough wife and mother, he’d be the nice person whom she’d dated.

So she stuck it out – year after year, baby after baby, decade after decade.  But no matter what she did, Joe never got better.  In fact he got worse – more negative, manipulative, passive-aggressive and abusive.

Now that their four kids were grown and independent, she felt more free to act.  Her spirit was crying out to her.

Since Joe will blame her, harass and fight with her all the way and try to take everything he could in order to retaliate, what can Jane do to have a no-karma divorce?

1. Jane accepted that she can’t please Joe unless she violates her own spirit by staying with him. Well, he was never really happy with her anyway.  But she can still leave in a no-karma way.
2. Jane adopted a mantra: Don’t argue, don’t blame, don’t explain, don’t justify, don’t defend, don’t seek his permission. Answer “why” questions once or twice and then move on.  When he tries to start an argument, just leave.  When he says she has to tell the grown kids that she’d changed and it’s her fault and she’s probably having an affair, tell him, “I’ll tell them my truth.  I have changed.  I’m leaving because I just got tired of putting up with your behavior.  I won’t stay and take your bullying any longer.  I’m not having an affair.  I just want to do better with the rest of my life.  I’ll love the kids always and we’ll figure out how to have a great life and great times together even though one of their parents doesn’t want to put up with the behavior of the other one anymore.”
3. Jane saw a lawyer and made a plan. She thought, given Joe’s behavior for more than three decades, she had to do this in secret before telling him that she wanted a divorce – no, that she was going to divorce him.  She made an inventory of all the money and things they had.  She learned what to do if he threatened her or physically abused her.  She didn’t give up most of their money and stuff, and go free but penniless and become a burden to her kids in order to assuage her guilt.  She analyzed what she thought was a fair distribution of stuff – close to 50/50.  Then she let her lawyer negotiate with his.
4. She told Joe she as going to divorce him and she had to repeat it a number of times. She let him blame her, but when he started to rant and bully her, she asked him to leave until he could calm down or she left for a while.  She knew he’d need emotional time.  He knew how much they’d fought but he never expected her to leave.  He thought she’d take it forever.  She had to screw up her courage and determination in order to proceed.  She also had to commit – no guilt, no blame.  She decided that there was no going back, even if he pleaded.  She made cue cards to carry and read to him that were her standard answers to his questions and accusations.  Using different color cards, she wrote quotes or advice to herself that she could read to strengthen her resolve when she felt herself wavering.
5. She prepared herself for Joe to try to manipulate the kids to be on his side and to coerce her to stay with him. She guessed that some would agree with him and do his bidding, while others wouldn’t.  No-karma meant that she remained calm and truthful as she explained to them why she needed to leave in order to have a chance of creating the future her spirit wanted.  No matter what happened, she’d keep reaching out to them – give them and their children birthday presents, holiday gifts, regular letters and calls.  She hoped that someday, when they’re older, they’d understand.  She cried to herself when some exclude her from their lives.  After telling Joe, Jane told the extended family what she was doing.  She didn’t ask them what they thought or for their permission.  She didn’t discuss family dynamics and whose fault it as.  She understood that no one else got to vote.
6. She took care of her body and spirit through the emotional and physical ups and downs. She had to face her fears – “I’m a bad person” or “He’ll kill me or he’ll kill himself and it’ll be my fault” or “I’m weak and I’ll never survive without him” or “Everyone will hate me and I’ll end up alone and broke.”  She knew she’d have to deal with her own emotional upheaval.  Divorcing him meant that she’d destroyed a life-long dream.  She’d changed the whole structure of her universe that had lasted for decades.  The marriage and family had been the gravitational center of her old world.  Now there was a void.  Everything had to be shifted around; she had to create a new universe with herself and her spirit’s desires at the center, and also include her children and grandchildren.  That would be difficult and take time, but she’d simply have to live through the turmoil.  She got an expert coach to help her stay on track and to plan her next steps.
7. She clarified to the kids, her family, his family and their friends, the behavioral standards she had to have in order for people to get close to her. She realized that she was testing them just as they were testing her.  She reminded her children that she wanted to have an adult relationship with them now, while she was being a great grandmother to their kids.  She decided which events she wanted to attend and which she’d avoid.  With her family she made plans for the weekly events with her grandchildren and for yearly holidays and vacations.  She also brought up the big public events like graduations, weddings and funerals.  She was clear.  She’d always be civil, polite and cheerful with Joe on occasions where they’d be together.  But she wasn’t going to be friends with Joe anymore.  Divorcing him meant that she’d no longer be involved in his daily doings or his emotional life.  She would be friendly, but not friends.  She would not enable or rescue him physically or emotionally, and she would not call on him even if she felt needy.  That’s how she’d avoid any karma.

For Jane, no-karma meant keeping calm, steady and on-track despite Joe’s provocation.  And when she did react, she didn’t wallow in self-bullying but forgave herself and got back to how she wanted to Be and act.  She wasn’t going to take his attacks personally.

Jane was able to maintain herself; nothing stuck to her and she emerged from the turmoil with no karma.

For different tactics, see the case study of Jean in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.  Also, I’ve seen the same difficulties when it’s the husband wanting to divorce a controlling wife, or partners splitting up.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Problem People: The high cost of low attitudes

In every business there are three sources of cash flow:

• External customers and sales that bring cash in.
• Internal production processes that can efficiently and effectively keep cash in.
• The people who control the flow of both - they can keep the flow positive or bleed your company dry.

Companies usually spend most of their time and money on sales training and process improvement but little on the attitudes of their people.

Why?  Because most don’t recognize the high cost of low attitudes or don’t know how to benchmark attitudes.

To read the rest of this article from the Memphis Business Journal, see: Problem People: The high cost of low attitudes http://memphis.bizjournals.com/memphis/stories/2004/03/01/smallb4.html

I’m not talking about sweetness and light, goodie-two-shoes attitudes.  I’m talking about attitudes necessary to make sales training and process improvement effective.

Statistics vary for the toll that low attitudes take in lost productivity, absenteeism, turnover and health care costs, and workplace incidents leading to delays, defects, loss of customers and litigation.   See original article for statistics and details.

Don’t waste time questioning the accuracy of each statistic.  Instead, cost out the people problems that drive everyone to distraction in your department or company.

Do you dread coming in to work because you’re going to have to deal with “you-know-who” again?   How often do you hear, “that’s not my job description” or “that’s not my fault”?

How many hours are wasted complaining about the same problem leaders, managers and employees or reviewing the latest round in an on-going fight?  How much money flows down the drain fixing mistakes caused by people who insist on doing it their way or because leaders of two micro-empires won’t work with each other to maximize overall profits?  How many good people get frustrated and leave?

I propose the 180/20 rule instead of the 80/20 rule.  The 20 percent of people problems waste at least 30 percent of six people’s time and energy.  Do the math.  No one I’ve surveyed has yet argued to lower the percent wasted.

In my consulting and workshops, people who come for professional and personal growth easily identify the same bad actors at their companies.  And they know if their managers are trying to change these attitudes or are willing to let good employees be abused.

You can’t create good attitudes by bribing people and hoping they’ll work harder.  So, what can you do?

• Apply the same benchmarking approach you use to improve processes.  The secret to developing metrics for soft skills is to convert un-measurable attitudes into observable behaviors that either speed the flow of cash into the company or decrease its hemorrhaging out.
• To increase buy-in, facilitate the development of soft skill metrics at every level of your organization.
• The guidelines and timelines for improving individual and team behaviors must become part of evaluations.

How will you know when you’re succeeding? You’ll recover control of your time and energy and gain an extra 10 or 20 or 25 percent productivity at no extra cost.

Invest in attitudes before they become expenses.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Boundary-Pushing Parents

Toxic parents can try to ruin our lives.  Boundary-pushing parents, even though they’re not lying, sneaky and manipulative, can drive us to distraction.  They still try to treat us like we’re children in need of mommies and daddies who know better than we do.  They try to control our lives so that we’ll make the right decisions, get over our fatal flaws and be successful -- according to their standards. If you want your parents to be in charge of your life, read no further.  Continue letting them tell you what you should do.

Boundary-pushing parents try to do things we don’t need or we want to do ourselves.  They expect us to answer their calls and texts immediately.  If we don’t, they’ll call a hundred times until we do.  They drop in unannounced at inconvenient times and demand to be welcomed.  They misinterpret everything.

They ask probing questions or make sarcastic remarks about personal areas we don’t want to talk about all the time, “When are you going to get married or have kids?  Why don’t you get a real job?”  They think they have to review every plan and decision, and tell us what we should do – sometimes nicely and sometimes with sarcasm or yelling, putting us down as if we’re children.

They use fear; if we don’t do what they say, we’ll fail in love or work.

They use blame, shame and guilt to force us to do things their way.  If we don’t do what they want, we’re not showing the proper love and respect.

Also, they want to train us that the price of not doing what they want is endless harassment, arguments and abuse.  They want to convince us that we should give in to them in order to avoid the arguments.

They are bullies who use all the bullying tactics of both overt and covert bullies.

Since they’re our parents and they’re not crazy or openly toxic, we want to be nice and maintain a long-term relationship.  But we also know that if we give in they’ll take over our lives.

What can we do? Our initial tactics are usually trying to train them, much as we would a pet.  Yes, I mean that.

Initially, we usually try to give reasons like, “I know you care and worry and want the best for me, but I’m an adult now.  When you give me advice on everything or tell me what’s best, even though I haven’t asked you, you’re telling me I’m too fragile and stupid to bounce back from mistakes or succeed by my own wits.  I don’t want to be your little baby boy or girl any more.  You don’t have to act like the worrying, concerned mommy or daddy any more – even though you may worry all your life.  I won’t spend my time reviewing every possibility or decision.  I won’t live with your fear or nursing me.  If you try to straighten me out, I’ll only get angry and withdraw further.  Then, the way you express your concern will backfire – you’ll drive me away.  What’s more important to you; straightening me out or having a good time with me?  Let’s have a relationship like between adults.”

Talk to them about specific limits and boundaries.  Do they have to call and get permission before coming over?  How many times a week will you talk on the phone or see them in person?

The real, deep issue is about what do you want to talk about and do with your parents – or in any other relationship with anyone? Some people focus their close relationships on money talk or sharing intimate details or reviewing possibilities or rehashing decisions endlessly or intensive psychoanalysis of everyone or continuous overblown, emotional melodrama.  Those relationships demand continuous scrutiny and correction of every thought.  That may be how you define “love” or “intimacy.”  If that’s what you want to do, you will live with the consequences – your parents will tell you what’s right.

On the other hand, I prefer fun times where we share what’s great and interesting, whether it’s on television, in movies, books, sports, food, travel, study or whatever we’re excited by.

Most boundary-pushing parents won’t stop because we’ve talked about our desires.

They’ve gotten their way by wearing us down, so they’ll continue doing what they’ve always done.  We’ll have to act to make the boundaries real; that is, we will have to train them with positive and negative reinforcement.

• Don’t argue, debate or justify.  Don’t answer “why” questions.  Don’t be moved by guilt or threats (like they’ll cut you out of the will).  Simply tell them the way people have to act in order to get into your personal space.
• Reward them when they follow the rules; whether they follow the timing or they act polite and civil instead of angry and manipulative in word or deed.
• Apply consequences when they don’t follow the rules.  Stay calm and even laughing when you don’t answer or you hang up the phone – especially in mid-harangue.  The same for text messages.  You may have to un-friend your parents.  You may have to close the door when they show up unannounced.  You may have to control holiday or vacation times.  The more they violate the rules, the further away you distance them.
• Resist when they get relatives and friends involved to twist your arm.  Test these people; if they try to force you, they can’t be in your circle.  You can only keep people who act the way you need.  You may have to move away physically – at least a thousand miles.
• Be more persistent than they are; this is an endurance contest.

Some people do talk with their parents every day, but about what and in what way?  Is it on-going guidance by wise elders?  Is it sharing the daily doings without the advice or with the advice?

The life you want to create is your prize. There are many examples in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

For more on toxic parents, see: Leichtling YouTube: How to Deal With Toxic Parents http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjE-mgv_BdA

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

How NOT to raise spoiled brats

Let’s begin talking about how not to raise spoiled brats by listing the top seven methods that do create lazy, selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, entitled, bullying tyrants. The underlying attitude that creates demanding, abusive bullies is the false idea that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher.  This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.

What I say may anger people who think in black-while, all-none terms.  Those people think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or beatings and total repression.  How silly to think that way.

My top seven attitudes, approaches, techniques, methods to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:

1. Always give them everything they want and give them control of every decision.  Teach them that if they don’t get what they desperately want at the moment, they’ll never be happy.  Never force them to do what you want.  Always try to get them to understand that you’re right, so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.  Don’t act until they give you permission.
2. Never correct them or say, “No.”  Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile.  Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
3. Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your expectations.  Always tell them that their efforts are good enough; no matter how pathetic the results.
4. Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do easily isn’t important.  Tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important.  Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort.  Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and to make them happy.
5. Be afraid that if they’re unhappy or angry, they won’t love you.  Always try to be their confidant and best friend.  Give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop.   Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
6. Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”  Always excuse them from chores because it’s no fun for them.
7. Instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not, always let them misbehave without correction or consequences.  Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.  Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what – even though that’s the only thing that will get them to do what you want.

If you start these approaches when they’re infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it.  They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40.  Will you wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you?

Of course, don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.

Don’t give in to guilt when you thwart them with your, hopefully, high expectations.  Don’t give in to coddling and wishful thinking when they try to wear you down.

Think of the qualities you want them to develop and give them many opportunities to practice.  Here are nine, for example:

1. Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
2. Emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
3. Grit – determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
4. Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
5. Resilience, flexibility and humor.
6. Comfort in change, ambiguity and the unknown.
7. Heroism in the face of discouragement, so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
8. Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.
9. Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.

Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.

Stand up and say that you do know better.  Don’t give in to bullies; especially when you love them.

See:  How Not to Raise Spoiled Brats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8g8wbgKKcs

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try

I’m often asked to help leaders motivate employees because productivity, quality, attitudes and morale are low.  Leaders typically assume that unhappy employees are the problem, and making them happier – with team-building, money, perks or more involvement in decision-making - is the solution. That might seem like good sense but the answer doesn’t lie in accommodation, appeasement or consensus involving the most demanding employees.

To read the rest of this article from the East Bay Business Times, see: You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try http://eastbay.bizjournals.com/eastbay/stories/2004/08/16/smallb6.html

The key isn’t being nicer; the key is leaders leading and followers following.

It’s true that many employees and managers will be more productive when they are treated the way they want.  But it’s equally true that many will enjoy their jobs only if they don’t have to be productive or evaluated honestly.  These people want to control every decision, put their feelings before work, be catered to and applauded for throwing temper tantrums.

Some examples of different leaders who got into trouble trying to be too nice.  For details, see the original article.

• The staff in one division of a company was unable to form three-person customer service teams because only 15 of 17 people wanted them.
• At another company, workers were allowed to interrupt senior leader meetings, rudely challenge any decision and make personal attacks on leaders.
• In an under-performing unit of a third company, a new supervisor evaluating a resistant and mediocre employee saw a five-year history of excellent reviews.

Lack of appropriate leadership at these companies created power vacuums that attracted negative, critical, unhappy and abusive people who wanted control.  Well-meaning leaders had perpetuated the lie that the best way to encourage employee productivity and professional growth was to placate them through sympathy, begging, bribery and allowing them to act out.  These cultures were self-described as “employee centered, caring, consensus and win-win.”

A key initial step in solving the problems was seeing them as cultures of entitlement, appeasement and rule by petulant, demanding “children.”

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment.  Companies do not exist to make us comfortable and happy, or give unconditional approval.  If your feelings are hurt by honest, professional evaluations, prepare for disappointment.  If they’re hurt by differences in responsibility and authority between leaders and followers, become a leader.

We don’t get to vote on everything.  We can’t force everyone to treat us the way we want.  We get rewarded for productivity and success.  We often have to suck it up and be productive when we’d rather not.

Ultimately, companies are in business to make a profit.  Well-meaning leaders who work too hard at being nice, caring people can find themselves carrying 100 percent of the burden to please the most hostile, demanding employees who aren’t contributing to the success of the organization.

Consensus leadership and flat hierarchies are fads that are finally beginning to pass.  They are simply not efficient or effective enough to succeed.

Leaders lead by determining direction, establishing goals and expectations, and judging employees by performance.  Leaders don’t have to be bullies or ogres.  Of course, listening to employees can be a great asset.  But, in the end, leaders are responsible for leading the way so employees can follow.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Managers must confront manipulative, troublemakers

Dealing effectively with problem employees can be hard – and risky.  Courage, judgment and skill are required, and supportive leaders help.  Despite the difficulties, if you want a productive environment, exposing the problem is necessary. Why is it so hard?  Some people would say human nature.  I say fear, training in avoidance, and lack of skill.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Columbus, see: Managers must confront manipulative troublemakers http://columbus.bizjournals.com/columbus/stories/2004/09/20/smallb4.html

Problem employees can be manipulative masters at ignoring the wishes of their supervisors, using legalistic arguments to defend themselves, pitting fellow employees against one another, spreading gossip and back-stabbing.  They’re harassing, bullying and abusive.  By the time they’re adults, they’ve had a lifetime to practice their techniques.

Our society generally doesn’t train us to be warriors.  We’re trained to play nice; avoid discomfort, fear and conflict; and take the path of least resistance.  Even people who discipline themselves at the refrigerator or gym often avoid looking someone in the eye and saying “That’s not good enough” or “We don’t act like that here.”

Discipline and practice are required to skillfully take on a problem employee.  It may be hard to overcome your hesitation and to value performance more than acting sweetly hypocritical.  So it’s hard.  So what?  It tests your mettle.

Some people think you’re asking a problem employee to change, which may be hard for them.  But that’s only a half-truth.  You’re telling them to make a choice: Change or be gone.  And their degree of difficulty is irrelevant.

Managers often hope to avoid opening emotional Pandora’s Boxes, particularly if they aren’t sure of their leaders’ support.  Executives sabotage themselves and their organizations when they try to avoid recognizing and dealing with problem people.

Imagine you’re a manager assembling a new team and you’ve inherited a manipulative, long-term employee who follows her own agenda, underperforms, gossips, releases confidential material to stir up trouble, creates friction within the team, violates boundaries, feels entitled to do whatever she wants, and yet tries to rally the team against you.  Let’s call her Jane.

See the original article for more details.

Many well-meaning managers give up at this point because their childhood attitudes and rules keep them from making anyone look or feel bad.  Magical thinking makes them try to buy Jane’s loyalty by covering up for her.  The task of rehabilitating someone like Jane seems so huge, managers continue begging, renegotiating agreements and accepting her behavior.

But let’s imagine that you’re made of stronger stuff – and add another complication.  You go to the vice president of Human Resources to ask for advice.  He tells you that’s just the way Jane is and she has said things about you in confidence, he can’t reveal.  His advice: overlook it, stop being so picky and placate Jane because she's upset.

Should you take on Jane and how? The choice is simple and clear: Feel helpless, complain, whine, look the other way and give Jane control of your team or summon courage, fortitude, perseverance and skill to test your company leaders.

Can you succeed? See the original article for more details.

Lessons for executives: These problems won’t resolve themselves favorably if you ignore them.  Don’t make an instant decision to keep the highest-ranking people.  Leaders cowed by difficult people are merely administrators.

Investigate and act with discretion.  Put your stamp on company culture by confronting these situations.  You are announcing who you want to be your followers – the manipulative (mediocre who resist improving) or the above-board (productive who want to be outstanding).

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop sneaky school bullies

Learn how to recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and control freaks in school. Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize.  But if we don’t recognize their tactics and label them as “bullies” we can’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of sneaky, bullying controllers in school are:

1. They think their sense of humor is correct. They use you as an emotional punching bag.  They think they can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and about you in public.  They point out all your mistakes and failings, and they tell your embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  They think your feelings are stupid and not logical.  But you better not say anything about them.
2. They elbow you or knock your books down and look innocent and pretend it was an accident. And they smile.
3. Bullies form cliques and gangs. They cut you out.  They lure or push other kids to bully you also.  They say bullying you is your fault because you’re different.  But the real reason they bully is that they’re bullies.  They want power and control, and to feel good by putting you down.
4. They’re sure they’re more important than you are. They think your whole life should be devoted to their needs, wants and whims.  If you won’t, they’ll make you look bad.  They pretend to be your best friend but then you have to do what they want, or their feelings will be hurt.  They’ll spread gossip, rumors and lies about you.
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. They think you have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
6. They think their excuses, excuse them. They think their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  They think that if you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  The absolute certainty of these manipulative narcissists seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
7. They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule. They think they’re allowed to do anything they want – to take what they want, to harass, abuse, attack or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, they say it’s your fault and your problem.  They’re right and righteous.  Everything is your fault.

Sneaky bullies are emotional manipulators.  They try to make you feel helpless and hopeless.  They isolate you.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change them.  You are not the therapist to solve their psychological problems.  The responsible adults are supposed to stop them and then change them or to isolate them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Don’t debate or argue with them, but don’t ignore them.

These bullies have been around forever.  A quote from one of the oldest books we have, “The Mahabharata,” says, “If you are gentle, [bullies] will think you are afraid.  They will never be able to understand the motives that prompt you to be gentle.  They will think you are weak and unwilling to resist them.”

See them as the sneaky bullies they are.  Fight back verbally.  Get help.  Have your friends record what the say and do.  That’s what cell phones are really for.  Get help from a trusted teacher and you parents.  Fight back physically if you can and have to.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Keep a flame burning in your heart.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim.  Fight back.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop narcissistic bullies and control freaks in relationships

How can we recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and narcissistic control freaks in relationships. Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize.  If we don’t recognize their tactics and label them as bullies or control-freaks, we won’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of bullying controllers are:

1. They think they know best about everything; just ask them.  They point out all your mistakes and failings.  They think you should ask their permission before you do anything.  They make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
2. They think they’re more important than you are.  Your whole life should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).  Their desires, jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions.  They’re entitled to get what they want.  Their feelings are their justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge.  Their feelings get hurt so easily that you’re too polite or too afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter.  They’re controlling, stealth-bullying partners and spouses.
3. They think their sense of humor is correct.  They can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and about you in public, or they tell your embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  Your feelings are stupid and not logical.  And you better not say anything they don’t like.
4. Everyone is a pawn in their game.  You have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
5. They think their excuses, excuse them.  Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Self-deluded narcissists think their jealousy, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics.  You’d better agree or else.
6. They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule.  They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take what they want, to attack or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they said or did, it’s your fault and your problem.  They’re right and righteous.  Everything is your fault.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that eventually you give in.
7. They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They insist on doing things their way, even though they fail repeatedly.  They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.

Also, anyone who harasses, bullies or abuses helpless people – like clerks and waiters – will eventually get around to bullying you.  Get rid of them on the first date.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.

Don’t debate or argue with them.  Don’t wait for them to agree or to give you permission.  Plan in secret if you have to.  Dump them or get away as fast as you can.  Even if you’re married with children, get away.  Set a good example for your kids.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop sneaky workplace bullies

Learn how to recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and narcissistic control freaks in the workplace. Overt bullies – whether they’re bosses, coworkers or supervisees – are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize.  If we don’t recognize their tactics and label them, we can’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of sneaky, passive-aggressive bullies are:

1. They want to control all the turf. They form hidden, unofficial power centers on their teams.  They want you to ask their permission before you do anything.  In subtle, manipulative, bullying ways they’ll harass and abuse you until you walk on egg-shells around them.  Sometimes they gain power and control by being nasty and vicious behind your back.  Sometimes they gain control by being hypersensitive, so you’re afraid to hurt their feelings and set them off.  I call these hypersensitive ones, “professional victims.”
2. Sneaky bullies think they know best about everything; just ask them. They make your life miserable if you don’t do what they want.  With a seemingly friendly smile, they point out your mistakes and failings.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
3. They know they’re more important than you are. They think your whole life should be devoted to their emotional needs, wants and whims.  Their desires, jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions.  They think they’re entitled to get what they want.  Their feelings are their justifications for their anger, retaliation and revenge.  They’ll fight to the death over things you think are trivial.  They never really apologize or compromise, even if they say the words.  You may think that by giving in one time, they’ll give in the next time.  But they never give in.  They push each new boundary endlessly.
4. They think their sense of humor is correct. They think they can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  They use you as an emotional punching bag.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and cut you down in public, or they tell your embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  They don’t care about your pain or wishes.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  They think your feelings are stupid and not logical.  And you better not say anything they don’t like.  They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They insist on doing things their way.
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  They form cliques and mobs who support them or who do their dirty work.  Sometimes they are entrenched in the workplace – they have friends in high places.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
6. They think their excuses, excuse them. They’re sure their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  They think that if you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Self-deluded narcissists think their jealousy, anger and hatred, their manipulation and back-stabbing are not bad characteristics.
7. They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule. They think they’re entitled to do anything they want – to take what they want, to ridicule and attack you or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  They think that if your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem.  They know they’re right and they’re righteous.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that eventually you give in.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.

Don’t debate or argue with them.  Find someone high up on the totem pole to help you.  Make a business case for how damaging their tactics are.  Get allies who also want to stop them.  Shine a light on their tactics and their cliques.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop bullying by toxic teens

Many parents, especially single parents weighed down by guilt, allow themselves to be harassed, bullied and abused overtly and covertly by their teenagers who have finished high school and are physically and mentally fine.  They allow those big, toxic teens to hang out at home for free, doing nothing, while they wait on them and let the teens abuse them.  Unless the parents change, they’ll allow this behavior to last into their children’s twenties. No wonder these lazy, sullen, angry, sneering, sarcastic teenagers feel entitled.  Nothing bad ever happens to them when they trash the house, demand to be catered to and abuse their parents.

Tolerating bad behavior only enables it and encourages these teenagers to act worse.  No wonder these big brats don’t respect parents who don’t demand respect by having consequences when respect isn’t given.

These parents usually hope that if they’re nice enough to their abusive teenagers, someday the brats will like them and will wake up transformed.  The spoiled brats will then be as nice and polite as when they were little.  They’ll become self-supporting, hard workers.

This wishful thinking is wrong!

I’m not saying that the spoiled brats are bad people.  I am saying that permissive parents encourage kids to act out of the worst characteristics of their egos and personalities.  It’s always easier for these teens to sink down to the most lazy, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic parts of them.

These permissive parents are not setting high standards of polite and civil behavior.  Their expectations are too low.

Many of these permissive parents are secretly afraid that their big brats are too fragile to succeed, even though they’re mentally and physically capable.  They’re afraid that if they demanded good behavior and self-sufficiency, the teens will give up and fail.  Maybe, if they coddle them longer, they’ll change.  So they continue coddling and praying.

The same is true for brats who are juniors and seniors in high school.

Instead of giving in, assert yourself and protect your personal space, even against your precious flesh and blood.

1. Set standards of polite, civil behavior that are not up for debate.  Detail the standards and say that the list will be growing as you think of new ones.  Your bullying teen’s agreement or disagreement with the standards is irrelevant.  Stop negotiating endlessly over everything. Don’t let them wear you down in endless debates.  Your standards are requirements.
2. When they complain, keep saying, “That’s a real problem.  I hope you can solve it before you’re on the streets.”  You may make a suggestion one time, but after that, don’t accept responsibility for solving their problems.  Their difficulties don’t affect your applying consequences.
3. Have real and immediate consequences if your brat doesn’t live up to your standards.  Only have consequences you’ll actually apply. Your explosions, rage and threats are not consequences.  Most young adults think they’ve won when you’ve lost it.  They know you’ll feel guilty and relent.  Usually, effective, immediate consequences are that the big brat has to move out – no negotiation, no promises accepted. Performance counts; not promises.
4. See the grown kid as a “guest” in your home.  They have to behave like good guests or they can’t stay.  They have a choice: Behave and stay, or resist and leave.  It’s clear, straightforward and simple; just not easy for you.
5. Don’t give them a second chance; do the consequences you said.  Typically, since they’ve gotten away with being jerks for so, long they won’t believe you’ll really do anything.  So, they’ll push the boundaries to test you – maybe doing something minor to see if you’ll really act. And they’ll have their reasons, excuses, justifications and promises.  Or they’ll attack you verbally or physically.
6. Be crystal clear: If they threaten or assault you or your possessions, you’ll call the police like you would on any vandal you didn’t know Document evidence and report them.

If they treat you mean, don’t let them stay with you simply by paying rent.  Let them try treating a landlord mean.

The more you’re smiling, even-handed and matter of fact as you throw them out, the better.  You have good reason to be happy; you’re getting back your peace, quiet and space.  The moment they leave, get rid of their stuff; convert their room into something you can use.

It will do them a world of good to try living with a friend’s family or even with a bunch of friends.

What if they say you’re a bad mom? You have to know who is wiser – you or a selfish, petulant, narcissistic 19 year-old.

What if their friend’s parents think you’re a bad mom? You know what you know.  Those parents just told you they can be conned by your kid and that he needed kicked out.  He’s still trying to manipulate people to give him things, instead of working for them.  Also, they just told you that you don’t want them as friends.

What if your baby has to live on the streets or fails at life? We can never know what might be.  But we do know that teens who don’t exert themselves, need to be kicked out of the nest.  It’s the only way they have a chance to learn how to fly

After you throw them out, define the new relationship you want. You get together with people who are fun, interesting and treat you nice.  If they’re willing to do that, you’d be glad to meet them at restaurants or movies, and even treat them sometimes.  Your needs and wants are at least as important as theirs.

Is this emotional and financial blackmail? Definitely; you bet.  What’s the problem?  This is real adult life.

Stop trying to teach them life’s lessons but do continue to plant seeds. They’ve already decided not to learn the lessons of life from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from the world.  Stop trying to teach those lessons.

Continue to plant seeds about what it takes to be with you:

1. “If you fail, it’s your fault; I won’t be accepting guilt for your failures anymore.  Your task is to create a wonderful future no matter how much you think everyone, especially, me, has wronged you.”
2. “You’ll get more from me by being nice than by trying to beat me into submission.  If you use anger or rage, I’ll automatically say ‘No.’”
3. “If you make things fun for me, if you bribe me, I’ll consider doing some of the things you want.”
4. “Now that you’re older than three, any authority and control over your life has to be earned by your being nice (or sucking up to me) or by your supporting yourself and living independently.  You’d better have a skill so you can get a job to pay for a car, insurance, an apartment and food.  Earn them and you’ll earn the right to be in charge of your life.”

Sixteen to twenty five year-olds need to stop trying to get what they want by beating their parents and start getting it from the world by their own efforts.

How do you feel when you see them living on your couch when they’re 42?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Resist Bullies' Anger and Pressure

Some bullying spouses, abusive extended-family members, people you call friends, bullies in school and bullies at work will try to pressure you to do what they want; to do what they think is right.  And they’ll have their “good” reasons in order to justify why you should do what they want.  And if you don’t do things their way, they’ll be angry, try to get other people to pressure you or try to force you by threatening to shun you or to hold that grudge forever. So how can you think of the situation so you’re free to do what you want?  And what can you do?

You decide who gets to vote on your choices. You might allow some decisions be decided by majority vote but there are others in which you want only yourself and your spouse to vote.  Common examples in which not everyone should vote are in the planning of events – who gets invited to weddings or graduation or holiday parties.  Other examples might be what you do on vacation or what you do for work and where or who you date after your beloved, long-term spouse dies or what you do with your retirement.

There are moments of truth for each of us when we test other people: do they try to beat us into submission to do things their way or do they encourage us to follow our soul’s direction even after they’ve offered advice to go in a different direction?

How do you know you’re being given advice or facing arm-twisting? If you don’t take advice, the relationship goes on as before.  If you don’t take arm-twisting, you’ll son face a head-lock.

Don’t let anyone beat you into submission; not parents or children or friends. Don’t allow your life to be a debate to figure out the “Right” way to do things, with the rule being majority rules.  Don’t give people power over your choices.

If you argue on a bully’s grounds, you’ve already lost.  Once you’ve started arguing with someone expressing their opinion, you’ve already agreed that they get to vote and you can’t do what you want unless they give you permission to.  But you’ll never convince some people to allow you go your own way when it’s not their way.

If you want to listen to someone’s ideas but not allow them to vote, you can say, “You can share what you would do or how things seem to you, but I won’t discuss, debate or argue what’s ‘right’ or ‘best.’  I’ll make my own decisions.”   That will clarify what you’re going to do.

However, be prepared for them to harass and pressure you, and try to beat you into submission anyway.  If you allow them to control your life, why should they stop arguing?  That’s when you can say, “If you want to try to beat me into submission, I’ll stop talking with you.  My life is not a democratic vote.”

But what if they threaten to vent their anger forever or never to see you again? This is a wonderful opportunity to clarify who you’ll allow on your “isle of song.”  This is a wonderful opportunity for you to decide what counts more, good behavior or bullying blood.

This is a moment of truth for you: you get to decide, as an adult, what values, attitudes and beliefs to you want to have in your life.  Even more, you get to decide which values are more important when some of those values conflict or are even mutually exclusive.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions

Some bullying bosses are overt.  They yell, micromanage, criticize relentlessly, make personal remarks, are never satisfied and never promote staff. Other bullies are more covert.

For example, Abby controls her team by making quick decisions and immediately shifting into action.  If you stop to deliberate, she’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence.  Because she’s in a hurry, few people get consulted in advance and things are always done her way. Once she’s made up her mind, she won’t change direction.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/09/08/smallb3.html

Abby tries to control her managerial peers with rapid decisions.  Her arguments for speed can be very persuasive: No one wants to be thought of as “slow or stodgy.”

On the other hand, Alex moves with great deliberation and caution.  He’s just as controlling as Abby, but in the opposite way.  He wants to chew and digest all the details before he’ll decide.  If you want to move rapidly, he’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence and good judgment.  Because he controls the snail’s pace, few people even bother making input anymore.

If he doesn’t want to implement a plan, he’ll say he needs endless information and reflection.  Usually, his deliberations push so hard against deadlines that everyone has to work hectically at the last minute, including weekends.  He doesn’t mind because he’s still in control.

Alex tries to control his managerial peers by delaying decisions.  His arguments defending deliberation and caution can be very persuasive.  No one wants to be labeled “thoughtless or careless.”

People who are concerned with making good decisions will adjust their processes and timing to fit the situation.  Some decisions can be made with extensive input and deliberation, while others demand unilateral and rapid action.  Each style can be successful or have disastrous consequences, depending on the situation.

The rapid responses of many small businesses secured them productive niches while corporate goliaths deliberated.  Similarly, decisions made in the blink of an eye – based on accurate intuition, the hair standing up on the back of your neck or a wrenching in your gut – can save your life or business.  If you wait for proof, it will be too late.

But, of course, we don’t want someone building a bridge or an airplane based on snap decisions.

Be warned: Abby and Alex’s covert, controlling techniques are used just as much between couples in personal life and in family businesses.  However, the same mindset and methods that work to manage peers in corporate life can be effective in those more personal situations.

How you cope with bullies using these styles depends on whether you’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor – see complete article for details.

There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Grit/Character or Cognitive Skills: Which is More Important?

Two articles have been stimulated by the publishing of Paul Tough’s new book, “How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character.”  One is in the Wall Street Journal by Mr. Tough, “Opting Out of the 'Rug Rat Race'” and the other is by Joe Nocera in the New York Times, “Reading, Math and Grit.” Both ask, “Which is more important to student success, character or cognitive skills, and what kind of interventions might help children succeed?

The whole idea behind this way of thinking is flawed.  Parents who follow it will jump on a new fad and, once again, be overwhelmed by anxiety.

I challenge some of the ideas behind both the old and the new ways of thinking such as that:

1. One set of characteristics – either cognitive skills in math, language, science, etc. or personality/character traits like grit, persistence, self-control, curiosity, conscientiousness, resilience, integrity, resourcefulness, professionalism and ambition – are much more important than the other.
2. We can figure out what all the factors are and assign percentages to each based on its contribution toward success.  These factors will be reliable determinants of success.
3. We can improve the success rate of individuals by thinking and discussing ‘why” some children succeed while others don’t in terms of abstractions and generalizations such as “American parenting,” “affluent parents,” “parental anxiety,” “over-protective parents,” “permissive parents,” “character,” cognitive skills.”
4. We must actively intervene to ensure that our children learn the most important attributes.  Based on the latest research, we can develop methods to teach these to all children so they’ll be successful.

When I think of what’s necessary for success, I think not of a list of factors with percentages of importance attached to each factor, but of a target with a bull’s eye in the center containing of all the abilities we want our children and ourselves to have.  Did anyone really think that mastering cognitive skills without developing grit would lead to success?  Or does anyone think the opposite now?  Both areas are necessary and the appropriate mixture of characteristics depends on the individual.

In general, grit matters no matter what you do, but what it takes to succeed as a lawyer can be very different from what it takes to succeed as a genius programmer or a fashion designer.  What it takes to succeed as a factory worker, a small business owner or a bus driver may be very different mixes.  What it takes to participate in team activities and in individual activities can be different.  What it takes to face harassment, bullying and abuse can be different depending on who’s doing it.

All these discussions are in the abstract and general.  What we can do something about is in the moment-to-moment reality of us and our families.

How many of us really tried to keep our kids from experiencing any failure and disappointment?  How many of us really covered up each of their mistakes and failures so that blame was never on the actions of our children?  Most of us try to teach the lessons of life to our children.

Each child is different.  Each child learns some particular lessons the hard way, while other kids get those same lessons immediately, but learn other lessons the hard way.  And some just never seem to learn, no matter how hard we try.  Most kids learn the universal lessons despite the times we mess up the opportunities to teach.

My conclusion about these ruminations is to stop thinking in abstractions and generalizations, stop trying to figure out the correct way that will guarantee success for an average person or a middle class person or an affluent person or a disadvantaged person.  Instead, focus on our individual kids and ourselves.

We know the obvious – both grit/character/personality and cognitive skills matter.  Which ones do we need to develop more?  Which ones does each individual kid need to develop more?  Which kids need to develop more grit?  Which kids need to learn when to stop beating their heads against which brick walls?

We also know that if we protect our children from hurt, pain, mistakes, failures and realistic estimations of their talents, we’ll promote arrogance, weakness, hesitation and defeatism.  Facing challenges is the only way we learn to face challenges and to overcome them and our weaknesses.

I’ve focused on middle and upper class parents and kids instead of disadvantaged kids because I think most of the people who read this blog fall into those categories.  But I’d say the same to everyone.

If you’re still protecting your children or if they think they know best or they’re entitled to do what they want, change your approach immediately.

Paul Tough ends his article with “Overcoming adversity is what produces character. And character, even more than IQ, is what leads to real and lasting success.”  I agree whole-heartedly.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Paul Tough ends his article with “Overcoming adversity is what produces character. And character, even 

more than IQ, is what leads to real and lasting success.”  I agree whole-heartedly.