It's not what you say – but how you say it – that counts

Effective communication isn’t just what you say.  How you say it is equally important. Consider the case of Pam, Jennifer and Greg.  Pam and Jennifer were valued employees about to be discarded because of a simple communication style difference.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: It’s not what you say – but how you say it – that counts,

http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/03/28/smallb3.html

After Jennifer researched possible solutions to a problem, she’d tell her boss, Pam, the conclusions before presenting how she’d arrived at them.  Pam felt manipulated and insulted and considering firing Jennifer.

At the same time, Pam was getting great results but sensed that her boss, Greg, was upset with her.  He looked bored and impatient in their meetings.  She’d overheard him saying she was a fuzzy thinker who didn’t have the incisive mind necessary for promotion.

She’d tried to please him by giving him more extensive reports of potential projects, especially the process by which she’d gathered the information.  She wanted to make sure he had all the details so he could make up his own mind before she presented her suggestions.

Jennifer and Greg are “bottom liners.”  They present options or conclusions first so people can analyze their reasoning to see if they’d arrive at the same ones.  Greg wants a conclusion up front so he can decide rapidly whether he likes it or whether he needs to hear more details.  Once he reaches a decision, he doesn’t want to waste his time on extraneous information.

Pam is a “processor.”  She reviews how she arrived at a conclusion before giving her favored option.  That way, people can make up their own minds, without manipulation, to see if they arrive at the same one.

Miscommunication resulting from different communication styles causes escalating hostility, extra work, diminished productivity and lost profits.

Each style has benefits, but each also creates problems.  How do you discover what they are? Ask someone who favors one style about its advantages and about the problems with the other style.

Take responsibility for matching preferred work styles and communication.  Although it’s easy to become righteous in defending your favored style of communication, results are more important than style.

People are not their titles or functions, they’re individuals and most are trying to do their best in ways that have worked for them before - despite what you may think about them because you favor your style and can justify why it’s best.

In our time, diversity makes the problem worse.

Learn to detect other people’s preferred styles and how to communicate effectively in that style.  That’s not too much for you to learn. You’re a human being, designed to learn these styles rapidly.  That’s how all babies learn to please and manipulate their parents.

Whenever possible, communicate face-to-face when something might be sensitive or at the first sign of a misunderstanding or adverse emotional response.  Don’t text or use e-mail.  Get away from your desk and share coffee or food.  Create a human interaction with two people trying to understand how to talk to each other to get the best results, not an interaction to see who is right or can beat the other person down.

I typically focus on preferred styles in about 30 different situations.  A few other examples of important communication style differences are: saying things bluntly vs. talking around a subject; preferring written vs. verbal communication; brainstorming by talking vs. talking only after making a decision; focusing on the exact dictionary definition of words vs. expecting people to read between the lines; communicating in thoughtful monotones vs. passionate variations.

Are your messages going unheard or are you misunderstanding individuals and groups with different communication styles?

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems. Anger goes underground when it's avoided

Dealing with conflict in corporate America is a problem of extremes.  Ineffective leaders either use confrontation and bullying as weapons to beat employees down, or they mandate conflict-free zones.  Both extremes suppress effective disagreement, drive opposition underground and create toxic environments. To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see: No-conflict workplace won't resolve problems:  Anger goes underground when it's avoided http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2003/09/01/smallb3.html

While bullying bosses are recognized problems, the cancerous effects of no-conflict zones usually fester unnoticed until they metastasize. In the quest to be respectful of people’s feelings, ineffective leaders have covered up problems or rushed to easy, token resolutions.  They have abandoned the most effective tools for creating innovation and improvement - challenge and opposition that promotes creativity and brings out the best efforts of worthy staff.  Conflict-avoidant managers cannot be effective leaders.

The problem is not disagreement; the problem is escalation – in either direction. The challenge for leaders is to find the sweet spot between the extremes.  The key to success is the fundamental agreement to use the opposing forces for the common good while preventing escalation.

One organization I worked with had decreed there would be no emotional responses or disagreement. Everyone was required to be calm, sweet, kind and reasonable in public.  Disagreement was hidden behind closed doors and, even then, had to be circumspect and cloaked in appreciation and praise.  There were very strict communication formulas, ostensibly so no one’s feelings would ever be hurt.  Not only were sticks and stones forbidden, but also honest words.

Typical of such poisonous situations, overt channels of responsibility, authority and accountability had become shams. A small clique of the most difficult and manipulative people used their hypersensitivity to control the organization behind the scenes.  The best games-players intrigued to make decisions in their own best interests.  Quality employees started leaving.

Apposition is a better word than opposition to describe passionate disagreement that promotes the greater good. Your opposable thumb and forefinger often appose by pushing against each other hard so you can pick up your pencil and get to work.  Apposition creates opportunity and promotes success.

If disagreement has been suppressed, the initial steps in transforming a toxic culture will seethe with emotion. Pay the price and move through the flare up.

You don’t need to initiate angry confrontations in order to be clear and firm about standards of productivity, quality or behavior.  But if the other person wants to start a fight or throw a fit, effective leaders learn to deal with emotionally charged interactions rapidly and effectively.

Conflict is nothing to be afraid of - appreciate and respect worthy opponents who bring out the best in both of you.

The best leaders seek areas of disagreement and challenge. Emotion, challenge and disagreement power the engine of leadership.  To drive success, moderate and direct that fuel appropriately.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

What to do when complaints are about a senior manager

Suppose your employees are grumbling about one of your senior managers, the director of a key department – he’s much too harsh and turnover is high.  What should you do? One option, the easy way out, is to ignore it.  This option may be especially appealing if productivity is decent, despite the grumbling.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: What to do when complaints are about a senior manager http://louisville.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2005/01/24/editorial2.html

But suppose you look deeper and the evidence is clear:  Your senior manager is a critical perfectionist.  He micro-manages with sarcastic criticism and put-downs, browbeats staff relentlessly, never gives compliments and hogs the credit and shovels the blame.  He harasses, bullies and abuses his staff.  Even long-term stars want out and productivity is merely OK.  Unhappiness has spread to other departments that have interacted with him.

You can still find easy explanations to avoid getting involved: You have other worries, there are no red flags on balance sheets, he treats you OK and he hasn’t thrown anything, hit anyone or blown up in public.  Employees always complain about hard-driving leaders and why open a can of worms?

Leaders who still gloss over these situations are merely conflict-avoidant.  They’ll ensure years of hard feelings, declining performance, scorn behind their backs and, eventually, increased costs to clean out a bigger cesspool.  Or maybe they think they’ll be long gone before it backs up to their door.

Another option is often chosen by leaders who think, “We’re all good people here. If we got together we’d agree on an effective compromise.”  They hope the politically correct approach of facilitated negotiation will manufacture a solution that works for everyone.

But in this situation that’s just a band-aid.  It won’t lead to long-term, productive change because the problem is a brutal manager, not a lack of understanding and acceptance of different styles within a reasonable range.

At this point, there’s little incentive for the senior manager to make consistent, lasting change.  During negotiations a lot of talk will happen, fingers will get pointed, people will get argumentative and defensive, hopes will get raised and dashed, and people will become even more polarized, antagonistic and litigious.  You’ve simply delayed a real solution and upped the pain and cost.

I recommend a third option: To give the problem manager a chance to turn things around and mend fences, give him an ultimatum - “change or else” - backed by short timelines, close monitoring, effective support for the changes you want him to make and repeated praise from you for any progress.

Get a coach-advisor the manager can respect, accept and trust.  He will need to learn a new managing style and new communication skills.  Expect stepwise progress as he learns whether his new approach can keep productivity, quality and kudos high.  Help him maintain leadership credibility by requiring training for the whole department hand having him participate.

How do you know when to quit dodging your responsibility and to use the third option? A truthful and global costing out is crucial.  See original article for details.

Take into account the effects of his behavior on:

• Productivity.
• Time spent by HR, staff and supervisors in all departments talking about incidents and dealing with complaints and hurt feelings.
• Effects on inter-departmental interactions.
• Transfer and turnover of good employees, especially outstanding young people who would be the next generation of leaders.
• Monetary and emotional costs of facilitated negotiations that fail.
• Costs for litigation, lawyers and buying silence from many employees.
• Lost respect for you and lost passion for your mission and goals, which will infect the organization.

You may have heard the expression, “People don’t leave organizations; they leave bad supervisors.”  That’s much too simplistic.

Once you have competitive benefits, great people leave bad environments – including poor supervisors, peers and coworkers, and systems that thwart accomplishment.  The most effective way of keeping the best employees and managers is setting high standards and standing up for them.

Remember, your leadership is on trial also.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

It's not what you say – but how you say it – that counts

Effective communication isn’t just what you say.  How you say it is equally important. Consider the case of Pam, Jennifer and Greg.  Pam and Jennifer were valued employees about to be discarded because of a simple communication style difference.

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: It’s not what you say – but how you say it – that counts,

http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2005/03/28/smallb3.html

After Jennifer researched possible solutions to a problem, she’d tell her boss, Pam, the conclusions before presenting how she’d arrived at them.  Pam felt manipulated and insulted and considering firing Jennifer.

At the same time, Pam was getting great results but sensed that her boss, Greg, was upset with her.  He looked bored and impatient in their meetings.  She’d overheard him saying she was a fuzzy thinker who didn’t have the incisive mind necessary for promotion.

She’d tried to please him by giving him more extensive reports of potential projects, especially the process by which she’d gathered the information.  She wanted to make sure he had all the details so he could make up his own mind before she presented her suggestions.

Jennifer and Greg are “bottom liners.”  They present options or conclusions first so people can analyze their reasoning to see if they’d arrive at the same ones.  Greg wants a conclusion up front so he can decide rapidly whether he likes it or whether he needs to hear more details.  Once he reaches a decision, he doesn’t want to waste his time on extraneous information.

Pam is a “processor.”  She reviews how she arrived at a conclusion before giving her favored option.  That way, people can make up their own minds, without manipulation, to see if they arrive at the same one.

Miscommunication resulting from different communication styles causes escalating hostility, extra work, diminished productivity and lost profits.

Each style has benefits, but each also creates problems.  How do you discover what they are? Ask someone who favors one style about its advantages and about the problems with the other style.

Take responsibility for matching preferred work styles and communication.  Although it’s easy to become righteous in defending your favored style of communication, results are more important than style.

People are not their titles or functions, they’re individuals and most are trying to do their best in ways that have worked for them before - despite what you may think about them because you favor your style and can justify why it’s best.

In our time, diversity makes the problem worse.

Learn to detect other people’s preferred styles and how to communicate effectively in that style.  That’s not too much for you to learn. You’re a human being, designed to learn these styles rapidly.  That’s how all babies learn to please and manipulate their parents.

Whenever possible, communicate face-to-face when something might be sensitive or at the first sign of a misunderstanding or adverse emotional response.  Don’t text or use e-mail.  Get away from your desk and share coffee or food.  Create a human interaction with two people trying to understand how to talk to each other to get the best results, not an interaction to see who is right or can beat the other person down.

I typically focus on preferred styles in about 30 different situations.  A few other examples of important communication style differences are: saying things bluntly vs. talking around a subject; preferring written vs. verbal communication; brainstorming by talking vs. talking only after making a decision; focusing on the exact dictionary definition of words vs. expecting people to read between the lines; communicating in thoughtful monotones vs. passionate variations.

Are your messages going unheard or are you misunderstanding individuals and groups with different communication styles?

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Surviving crises while that crucial someone is gone

What do you do when someone you depend on must be gone and you have to pick up the slack?  Typical scenarios when this happens include termination, vacation, downsizing or personal crisis. To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Columbus, see: Surviving crises while that crucial someone is gone http://columbus.bizjournals.com/columbus/stories/2005/07/11/smallb4.html

For example, Brad and Harry had been partners for years and depended on each other daily.  When Brad’s father had a stroke and went into a coma, Brad’s work life stopped but Harry’s didn’t.  Harry had to do both their tasks.  But how could he complain when Brad rushed to be at his father’s side?  Brad knew Harry would understand.

As days stretched into weeks, Harry became overwhelmed.  But he certainly didn’t want his weaknesses to burden Brad, who had “more important” things on his mind.

What could Brad and Harry do to repair the torn relationship and keep the company going?  What can you do if you find yourself with a similar situation?

Here are six basic guidelines for dealing with a crisis that requires a team member to be absent from work – for details, see the original article:

1. Always begin with the relationship.
2. Accept that you can’t accomplish everything.
3. Take care of yourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.
4. Increase communication appropriately.
5. Avoid unilateral decisions whenever possible.
6. No guilt; no recriminations.

Brad and Harry used a seven-question process for daily triage of their tasks. It can work for you, too – for details, see the original article.

1. What must we do today and this week?
2. What are we capable of doing; given the energy and help we have at this moment?
3. What do I need your help with – physically and emotionally?
4. What can’t I do and what won’t I do?
5. What will I do?
6. What must we let go of?
7. What temporary help do we need?

By disciplining themselves to follow the process, the partnership and business withstood the crisis.

A note to senior managers: Which lower level managers will struggle unless you to provide them with this process?

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to make values meaningful in your company

Do the leaders, managers and employees of your company really embrace and live its values?  Or do they treat your company’s values as nothing more than words on paper?  If you answered “words on paper,” you’re not alone. To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Columbus, see: How to make values meaningful in your company http://www.bizjournals.com/columbus/stories/2005/10/31/smallb5.html

Why?  Because all too often, the words merely represent what leaders want values to be.  Executives often don’t follow their own stated values, and/or create those phrases with little or no involvement from managers and employees, and no one requires compliance with values.

Typical management styles that create meaningless value statements include these examples: See complete article.

Some truths about effective values: See complete article.

Some effective guidelines:

• Leaders can begin the process of values clarification and specification, and then get staff at all levels involved in discussing and modifying them.
• At each level, managers should lead discussions and reinforce organizational values with their actions.
• Feedback must go in all directions, not only downward.
• Create written statements through an iterative process that never ends, so people have an opportunity to buy-in or leave on their own.
• Values become powerful through examples that demonstrate, “When that happens, we do this”
• Stories are the best way of spreading values in action.
• Effective implementation occurs when leaders work in concert with other leaders, and when managers work with their teams and interface with other managers to give immediate feedback – private and public.
• Poor technical performance and out-of-control behaviors, such as physical violence and embezzlement are usually easy to measure compared with behavior that reinforces or opposes attitudes and relational-communication processes.
• Values begin to affect behavior when they are evaluated, praised, rewarded and punished, using as rigorous and non-bureaucratic a process as possible.
• Internalization of values takes time and actually never ends, because people often hesitate and fear reprisals, and there are always new situations and new staff.

There are no formulas, but there are guidelines. If you consistently live your values, no extra effort is required.  It’s second nature for you.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  Especially if that means changing a culture of entitlement.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess

You probably don’t want an angry, confrontational, bullying boss.  But, do you want the other extreme – a conflict-avoidant boss? I vote, “No.”  Conflict-avoidant bosses create breeding grounds for passive-aggressive employees and self-appointed tyrants.

For example, Helen’s boss is nice and sweet.  And that’s her problem.

To read the rest of this article from the Austin Business Journal, see: Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess http://www.bizjournals.com/austin/stories/2007/07/23/smallb3.html

Larry is always thoughtful and considerate.  He tries to agree with everyone.  Although he inspects each employee’s results and asks penetrating questions, he won’t tell them what they must do.  If two of his staff disagrees, he won’t intervene and make a decision, or force them to resolve the issue.

Helen has frequent and critical deadlines, but in order to do her job she needs information supplied by Lindsay, another employee in Larry’s department.  Lindsay says she’s too busy to give Helen the necessary information within the agreed-upon timelines.

Helen asks and asks but nothing seems to work.  She tries begging, twisting Lindsay’s arm and even explaining her predicament at team meetings.  She tries every communication and management technique her friends and human resource professionals suggest.  Lindsay simply goes on her merry way and stonewalls Helen.  She’s a sneaky bully.

In public, Lindsay always agrees to do that part of her job but then simply ignores the commitment.  In private she says Helen’s not important enough.  She doesn’t like Helen and she’s going to sabotage her.  In one-to-one meetings with Larry, she undercuts Helen’s needs, communication skills and performance.

Larry says he can’t do anything.  If he tried to force Lindsay, it’d create conflict – and he doesn’t want confrontation.  Larry is so sweet and nice.

Larry avoids conflict with Lindsay but creates conflict with Helen.  He’s upset with not getting what he needs from Helen but not upset enough to break the deadlock.  He’s more afraid of Lindsay than he is of Helen.  Lindsay knows she’s secure.  She has no pressure to serve Helen and no consequences for resisting.

There are numerous variations on this theme but they all lead to the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissisism, incompetence, laziness, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Absentee bosses – whether they’re waiting for retirement, have distracting personal concerns, are mentally tuned out or are cowards – create sanctuaries for unprofessional behavior.  When there’s a vacuum of authority, the most aggressive, ruthless and controlling people are drawn in to fill it.  It’s like the worst behavior of children coming out when their teacher leaves them alone for the day.

Conflict-avoidant bosses don’t implement decisions necessary for overall productivity because they won’t face resistant people and get them to do what’s necessary.

If you avoid facing someone who’s unhappy, you’re abdicating your responsibility as a leader.  You’ll probably live to regret the pain caused by abandoning your duty.  Your good employees certainly will regret it.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

You Can Change Attitude Problems at Work

Increasing productivity is relatively easy because you can measure and quantify production, and then respond effectively.  But how do you fix poor attitudes, which you can’t quantify? Actually, it’s not that hard.

A list of poor attitudes typically presented to me by managers and employees includes negativity, insubordination, narcissism, hyper-sensitivity, bullying, abuse of power and lack of responsibility.

To read the rest of this article from the Silicon Valley/San Jose Business Journal, see: You can Change Attitude Problems at Work

http://www.bizjournals.com/sanjose/stories/2007/11/19/smallb3.html

A typical list of behaviors that result from those attitudes is: chronic gossip, back-stabbing, sarcasm, negativity, manipulation, sabotage, formation of cliques, nepotism, favoritism, critical complaining, whining, demeaning comments, bullying bosses, dishonest evaluations, flaming e-mails, disrupting meetings, abusive remarks, ignoring suggestions, “Drama Queens,” blowing up in response to feedback, turf-control, crabbiness, over-reactions, lack of communication, mind reading, people who want their minds read, pointing fingers, taking things personally, the loud, silent treatment and my all-time favorite: “not my job.”

I use a straightforward, action-oriented approach that changes company cultures infected with poor attitudes.  The key is to be clear and specific about which attitudes and behaviors you want, and then to require participation in a culture that has them.  Don’t be a conflict-avoidant manager.

How do you clarify attitudes you can’t quantify?  The first step is to acknowledge that although you can’t quantify attitudes like “narcissistic control-freak,” you can recognize and document behaviors without resorting to mind reading, moral judgments or personal attacks.  Then you can act on your documentation of non-professional versus professional behavior.

Make sure it’s legal.  Then everyone from the owner on down is required to subscribe to or sign off on the new code of professional behavior.  The code then becomes a significant part of everyone’s evaluations.  Be consistent in rewarding the desired behavior and having consequences for actions against your code.

You won’t get everyone to buy in immediately.  So what?  Band together with the core group that wants to turn things around or to improve what you already have.

As you weed out a few resistant bullies, you’ll find that merely going through the process will change most employees’ behaviors.

Reinforce your expectations with new employees; publicize your code during hiring interviews.  Don’t bring people on board who argue with the code or who think the team should adjust to accommodate their personality or favorite styles that violate your code.

If someone has toxic behavior in another department, don’t bring them into your team in hopes you can change their long-term patterns.

High standards for positive attitudes protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Educating Bullies or Protecting Targets in Schools: Which is Better?

In a previous article, “Best Methods to Stop Bullying in Schools,” I came out strongly against principals, teachers and school programs that focused only on stopping bullies by understanding, education, compassion, forgiveness and therapy of bullies, without any effective effort to stop the bullying.  They had no strong and firm consequences for harassment, taunting, teasing or physical abuse; or for any of the forms of bullying – overt, covert, verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying. Some commentators challenged my views – they insisted that changing the attitudes of bullies should be the major goal of educators and they quoted the parables of the Prodigal Son and the Golden Rule.

These well-meaning commentators, using the parable of the Prodigal Son, said that our hearts should go out to the poor bullies.  They imagined these abusive predators as having horrible childhoods that caused them to turn to bullying to gain control and power, and to boost their confidence and self-esteem.  Just like the Prodigal Son, bullies don’t know any better.

These commentators seemed to think that, just like the Prodigal Son, saving the bully is more important than the feelings of the targets. They think the bully was more of a victim of his upbringing than the people he was victimizing.  They seemed to think that we had an either-or-choice: to focus on understanding, love and forgiveness in an effort to educate bullies or to punish them, make them feel bad and drive them further into anti-social ways of acting.

Therefore, they claimed that all efforts should be directed at educating and rehabilitating bullies.

I disagree.  The choice between educating bullies or protecting targets is a false choice.  I think we must use both approaches and in a specific sequence:

1. Stop bullies in their tracks with swift, firm, strong consequences for bullying.
2. With compassion; educate, therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies.

Then, we’ll see which bullies rapidly change their behavior and which will remain narcissistic bullies.

I do not think the one – the bully or Prodigal Son – is more important than the many – the targets of bullying and abuse. I prefer Mr. Spock’s judgment, from the original Star Trek, “Never sacrifice the many for the sake on the one.”  I’d rather protect the many targets of bullying so they’re not converted into victims.  I worry first about the many precious psyches of the targets before I worry about the few damaged psyches of the bullies.  First, create a safe environment for the targets.  Then rehabilitate the bullies, if possible.

Begging, appeasement and the Golden Rule do not stop relentless bullies.

The better analogy is the abusive husband and the battered wife – or vice versa. Would those commentators, who have such tremendous sympathy for bullies, tell battered women to:

• Endure as many beatings as it takes while enough psychotherapy is done to change an abusive husband’s attitudes?
• Endure as much abuse as it takes until the battering husband is convinced to try other methods of interaction?
• Let their children be tormented for as long as it takes to teach the bully new skills of dealing with his frustration at not getting what he wants and for him to master new skills of communication and negotiation?

We protect the targets.  We remove the bully.  We don’t let the target be subjected to repeated victimization while we get swayed by our sympathy for the abuse we think the batterer must have had when he was a child.

I think that, in general, the first step in changing the behavior of bullies is to have strong consequences.  Then education, compassion and therapy have a chance.  But at least, during that time targets are protected and safe.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop School-Bullying Suicides Caused by Do-Nothing Principals

Principals didn’t stop school bullies and now there are more school bullying-caused suicides.  In all of the cases I’ll describe, there were differences in the bullies’ methods of harassing and abusing their targets.  But what was the same was that the parents complained and the responsible school teachers and principals didn’t protect the children in their care.  Also the same was the principals’ or school district administrators’ defense: “We didn’t know.” To me, especially after the parents of the targets complained, that’s an admission of incompetence, delinquency and neglect.  The other kids at school knew who bullies were and where, when and how it occurred; why don’t the college-educated, supposedly intelligent and responsible adults know?

I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents.  But I want to shine two lights: I know that the first culprits are the bullies themselves and their parents.  But I want to shine two lights:

• First, on the responsible, but do-nothing adults in the schools – the principals, assistant principals, teachers, counselors, district administrators and school board members.
• Second, on the skills parents need learn in order to force inactive, conflict-avoidant, lazy, cowardly or uncaring principals to protect their children.

Notice the similarities in all these cases:

• In Texas, a straight “A” eighth-grader, Asher Brown, took his life 18 months after his parents claim to have reported on-going bullying by four other students.  Despite the evidence of repeated conversations offered by the parents, the school district spokeswomen, Kelli Durham, whose husband, Alan Durham, is assistant principal, claims that they never knew and never had evidence.  Nothing was done to stop the bullies or remove them.

However, numerous comments from other parents and students on the web site of KRIV-TV Channel 26, which also reported a story about Brown's death, stated that the boy had been bullied by classmates for several years and claimed Cy-Fair ISD in Texas does nothing to stop such harassment.

• A 13-year old, Texas eighth grader, Jon Carmichael, took his own life because of repeated bullying.  Teachers and students in the school district had already undergone anti-bullying training after a similar suicide last year.  Nevertheless, nothing was done about this case of repeated abuse.  One of the admitted bullies, Chris Montelongo, said, "I can guarantee you it was most of the school who messed with Jon."  But none of the responsible adults noticed and intervened.

• An 11-year old Oklahoma boy, Ty Smalley, committed suicide after being bullied repeatedly for about two years.  Despite the parents contact with the school, teachers, counselors and the principal never saw anything and never stopped the bullying.  The parents were told things like, “Boys will be boys” and “It would be looked into.”  According to Ty’s father, Kirk, the school never documented any of these conversations so they can now claim that they never knew.

The event that precipitated Ty’s suicide was when he finally retaliated against the bully he was suspended for three days while the bully, previously identified to the teachers, was suspended for only one day.

• An eight-year old in a Texas Elementary school tried to commit suicide, but survived his leap off the balcony of a school building.  He had been repeatedly harassed but school officials had done nothing.  His mother said that teachers kept telling her they'd “handle it” when she complained about the bullying over the past seven months.  The last straw for the 8-year-old was when he was told to leave his classroom after two other boys pulled down his pants in front of the class.

The principal, Linda Bellard, said teachers never informed her of the harassment until the boy's suicide attempt, although the child's mother had visited the school seven times since September to complain about the problem.

Each of these cases will wind their way through courts, settlements will be reached in some, some school administrators will get off because there aren’t specific enough laws that require them to act and we’ll probably never know the whole truth because we weren’t there.

As a parent whose responsibility is to ensure the physical safety, and the mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of your child, you need to know how to get appropriate action from principals and teachers who will resist acting strongly and swiftly to stop bullies.  Your child’s self-confidence, self-esteem and life depend on your skill.

• Complain to teachers, counselors and principals.  But it’s never enough to complain or even to keep a record of your visit and conversation.
• Give the responsible adults one chance.  Do they remove the bully?  Do they continue to monitor the bully and his or her friends for further retaliation?  Or do they remove your child?  Do they excuse the bully’s behavior as, “Kids will be kids?”  Do they say that the bully has a right to be educated in classes of his or her choice?
• Use “The Lucius Malfoy” test.  Is your child’s principal standing up to the bullying parents of the school bully?  Or will he or she cower in front of bullying parents who say their child does no wrong or who threaten to sue the school if anything happens to their little darling?
• If your principal fails theses test you must bring pressure to bear - immediately.  Remember that principals fear three things more than anything else: loss of job, publicity and law suits.
• Get a lawyer and media publicity.  Learn what constitutes evidence and documentation.  Record all communication.  Communicate in writing and have proof that school officials received the letters you write.
• Bullying is rarely an isolated event.  Unite with other parents whose children are bullied.  Get witnesses who will put their evidence in writing.
• Have support for the long-haul.  Find people who’ll keep your spirits up through repeated set-backs.  Find experts to help you plan tactics at each step of the way.

Have great appreciation for principals who simply won’t tolerate bullying – who will have strong, proactive programs to train their staff and who will act swiftly and firmly in response to complaints.  Training is never enough: strong and courageous people are required to make these programs effective. Have realistic expectations; don’t assume that principals, teachers, counselors and district administrators will be active in stopping bullies.  Expect bullies’ parents to thwart your efforts.  Expect most uninvolved people to look away.  If nothing bad happens to bullies, expect other kids to pile on.

You’re on your own.  Many children will give up if they’re not protected by adults; make sure that you know how to protect yours.  Be the skillful advocate of your child’s safety and well-being.

Stop Toxic Parents and Grandparents: Shine a Light

Should you tell your children about your toxic parents, their toxic grandparents?  What should you tell them and how? Imagine that your parents no longer abuse you physically or sexually, but they still demean you, scapegoat you, ignore or scorn you, make nasty, hostile, sarcastic remarks and put-downs, and let you know that you’re not good enough.  No matter what you do or don’t do, you’re wrong.  They take charge of your life when you see them and break appointments whenever they feel like it.  Their wants and feelings are the center of the world and you don’t count.

Imagine also that you used to think that if you told them, in just the right way and at the right time, how hurtful their treatment was and is, they’d stop.  Or that you used to think your job was to rise above that treatment because they’re your parents, they’re getting old, they’re suffering, they deserve a little peace and happiness, and you owe them.

When can you stop trying to build bridges?  When can you cut off communication?  When can you tell your children why?

Harassment, bullying and verbal, physical and sexual abuse is usually multi-generational.  Families help perpetuate the abusive behavior by keeping secrets and telling lies.  If you give them a chance, your parents will likely do to your children what they did to you.  The old wounds still throb even if your parents are nice sometimes.  They still bleed when your parents repeat the same old treatment even now.

When you grow up, you may vow to break the cycle and treat your children better, but how can you protect them from the example they see of their grandparents still bullying you or them now?  And how can you stop obsessing on your childhood trauma or yesterday’s verbal battering?

Once you’ve tried everything you can think of, every approach, every sweet way of suggesting or speaking truthfully (say, a thousand times) and your parents (or step-parents) still protect each other, perpetuate the lies and tell you that you’re nasty and crazy, I think that’s enough.

Protect yourself and your children, turn your back to them, and create a safe and wonderful island of life for your family.  That means that your parents don’t get on it.

See the case studies of Carrie, Jake and Doug in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” for some tactics that were successful.

Some suggestions:

• Always remember the effects on your life and how they tried to crush your spirit.  Don’t let a running, internal debate about them suck all your energy down a black hole.  Stop negative self-talk; it’ll only discourage and depress you, increase self-doubt, destroy self-confidence and self-esteem, keep you fixated and stuck, and take your eyes off the great future you want for yourself and your family.
• You don’t need more understanding of them.  You don’t need to save them from themselves or each other.  Don’t be their therapist.  Let them fix themselves on their own time and their own bodies; not yours.
• Spirit counts more than biology.  Start calling them by their first names.  Don’t give them titles they don’t deserve, like “Grandma” or “Grandpa.”
• Don’t argue or debate with your parents.  You’ll never convince them that you’re doing the right thing.  Bullies always want what they want – to feast on your feelings and flesh.  Simply tell them that they’re off your island.  Take steps to cut off communication.  Change your phone numbers and e-mails.  Move if you have to.
• Tell your children what’s age appropriate.  They don’t need the gory details when they’re six, but they do when they’re sixteen.  Gather them together and make it a serious occasion.  The framework is that they need to know how to protect themselves and to set standards for their own behavior.  Don’t go into psychoanalytical reasons why your parents did it or why they, and maybe the rest of the family, collude to protect them.  That’s obvious.  You’ll probably have to re-visit the conversation.
• Be invulnerable.  That’s the term coined by Victor and Mildred Goertzel in their study of the lives of more than 300 famous 20th-century men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962).  Instead of finding that these highly successful people had wonderful parents, they found that many had agonizing childhoods spent in bleak, troubled homes, including domineering, alcoholic, rage-aholic or neglectful parents. They described the children who succeeded, despite a psychologically damaging childhood, as resilient or invulnerable.
• Be a model for your children.  Show them that abusive behavior drives people away.  Show them how to stand up to abuse, which sometimes means creating distance instead of being sucked into a battle that ties up your life.
• Create a new family including new elders; a family of your heart and spirit.  Have so much fun, bring so much joy that there’s not a hole anymore that would be filled with thoughts of biological grandparents.
• Get an expert coach to increase your determination, perseverance, courage and resilience, and to create tactics for your individual situation.

Your task is to create a fabulous life.  Don’t let toxic parents or grandparents – or siblings or friends – ruin it.  Shine a light on bullies.  Your children need you to show them how to thrive in the face of abuse, cover-ups and lies.

The signs of cyberbullying

The post on the PC Pandora Blog, “The signs of cyberbullying,” refers to an article by Elizabeth Wasserman, “Warning signs: Is Your Child Having Cyber Issues?”  The original article gives a good list of some of the signs that your child might be having trouble dealing with cyber bullies.  The follow-up post refers to the PC Pandora software that will alert parents if their child is either being the victim of cyberbullying or is even a cyberbully him or herself. The signs they listed were: * Changed work habits, grades slipping, failing tests. * Losing sleep or sleeping too much. * Increased insecurity or irritability.

I would add withdrawal and lack of communication.  These warning signs are really some of the warning signs that teenagers are having problems with any issue they can’t resolve by themselves, not only cyberbullying.  They’re tip-offs that parents need to talk more with their children and find out what’s going on.

However, the solutions suggested by the experts in the article fall short in the real-world.  They all stem from the ideas that kids are experts and parents should not upset or pressure their children too much.  Instead, parents should only make what I think of as weak suggestions.

However, suggestions are nice but are usually not enough.  Most children may be more expert than their parents about technology but: 1. They don’t know what’s best for them.  I hope that as parents with much broader experience, we know a lot that our children don’t and they have already had the opportunity to see that. 2. They’re not more expert than we are about dealing with bullies.  I hope we have many ideas they haven’t thought about, even if that might mean they would have to go outside their comfort zones or we might have to intervene.

We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell us or to problem solve with us.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?  But that’s the universal task.  Their liking it or not is not the most important criterion.

I know parents who have even prohibited their children from wasting time on social networks like YouTube, MySpace and Facebook.  They want their children to have face to face social activities with real people they can judge face to face.  How’s that for a concept.

I also think that to put a dent in the amount of cyberbullying, we’ll need Federal laws to make it illegal and then the willingness of social networks to turn over records of cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

Facing a two-faced coworker

My advice was asked on this situation on condition that the author remains anonymous.  What would you do if you faced a two-faced coworker or teammate who treated you civilly in public but attacked you when you were alone?  And no one else in the office knew or would believe you. In public, Bart (fictitious name) smiled and seemed helpful to Fran (fictitious name).  Even though he didn’t know her specialty, he started offering polite, detailed suggestions in an authoritative and convincing way about how she could improve her performance.  Fran felt like she was being micro-managed in a way she couldn’t resist or argue back.  It would take too long to show why his suggestions wouldn’t work and she didn’t think everyone else was really interested.  Other members of the team started to think she was pretty incompetent since Bart knew so much more.

In private, Fran asked Bart to stop being so controlling and making her look bad.  He agreed to, but then he continued to subtly demean her in public.  In addition, he started ignoring her, leaving her out of the information loop, and putting her down subtly in front of others.  Fran again asked him to stop.  Bart said he wanted them to have a good working relationship and suggested a meeting to clear the air.  Fran was initially wary, but he persisted and she agreed.

At the private meeting, Bart told Fran she was the worst person he'd ever worked with.  She wasn’t completely bad professionally, but she had the worst personality he’d ever seen.  He wanted her to treat him with as much friendliness as she treated other people in public.  Fran was mystified because he didn't say who these other people were and she thought she already treated everyone politely and professionally.

He said Fran was bullying him, he couldn't sleep at night because of her, she was just as hostile and nasty as another girl he used to work with and his girlfriend agreed that Fran was bullying him, even though Fran had never met her.  He said he’d been verbally cruel to people in the past, but he didn't want to be with her.  He said Fran was the worst person he'd ever worked with and the worst thing about his otherwise perfect job.

Fran felt scared because nothing like this had ever happened to her before and because Bart said everything very quietly and calmly with a twisted look of pure hate on his face.  He seemed to be enjoying it.  Fran had never seen him look or act this particular way before, so she thought others wouldn't believe her.

He carried on this way for an hour and Fran felt like she was in the presence of a psycho.  She apologized profusely.  He kept twisting the knife.  She said she was sorry for “bullying” him.  He kept twisting the knife.  She asked how she could make things better between them.  He kept twisting the knife.

Since she had to work with him closely, Fran pretended to be his friend from that day on.  She followed up two weeks later to see if he was happier.  He said he no longer thought of her at night, but added that he hated her because of the way she treated him.  He didn’t stop correcting her in public and he continued to sabotage her work.

Don’t waste time psychoanalyzing Bart and Fran or thinking that some trust building exercises, communication techniques or skillful conflict resolution will bring them together.  Fran should realize that she and Bart live on different planets.  She thinks she’s okay and he’s a scary psycho.  He hates her guts, thinks she bullies him and that professional behavior allows him to vent his feelings and hatred.

In her world, she’s faced with a relentless, crazy person who blames everything on her and is out to get her.  In that office, she’ll always feel his hatred shooting into her back.  She’s also afraid he might blow and physically harm her.  She must be willing to skillfully fight a work war against a fanatic or have her credibility and reputation destroyed.  Or leave.  For example; see my article in the Denver Business Journal on winning a work-war.

Notice that every time she tried to please him by taking the blame or being nice, he only twisted the knife more.  Fran’s comment that she never met his girlfriend probably shows that she thinks she can prove her case with reasoning, logic and good will because everyone will listen and be objective.

There are many other variants of the two-faced, bullying colleague.  Some stealth bullies spread rumors and lies behind your back.  Some cut you down behind your back.  Some drive a wedge between you and other people by telling them that you said bad things about them.  These back-stabbers always work in the dark and can’t be pinned down

My books, CDs and coaching can help.

What did Fran do?  Fran secretly hated Bart for what he had put her through.  She didn’t want to become buddies with him.  Also, she didn’t want to waste her time proving to everyone how mean and crazy he was.  Three month's later, she secured another job and left.  Since then, she’s been happy at the new job.

That’s one effective solution to deal with people like Bart, but what will Fran do if she encounters another one.  For example, if she’s highly skilled and competent, she’ll make someone else jealous, scared and angry.  If she’s beautiful, she’ll arouse these same feelings in some other women.

What would you do if you were Fran?

Don’t try to make all your employees happy

Don’t try to make all your employees happy.  But do make your best employees happy. Do you recognize who the best employees and managers are?

We can’t define who the best are, but we all recognize them.  They’re the ones with inspiration – the inner drive to accomplish things and succeed.  At all levels, they’re superstars and solid, steady, productive professionals.  They’re the beavers eager to learn, develop skills and be competent and productive.  They want to be efficient and effective.  They take responsibility and they care.

They’re the ones who anchor a culture of success.  They keep communication channels open and they get along well enough with other productive individuals in order to make their teams succeed.  They take care of customers and teammates.  They partner with employees on other teams when success depends on joint effort.  They’re the low-maintenance people we can count on.l

It’s a pleasure to make them happy.  They appreciate your efforts and respond with more of their own.

You can generalize by thinking that your organization has about 15% stars and 75% solid producers – all in that group of high quality employees you want to keep happy.

The other 15% are the problem adults.  They’re the whining complainers, hyper-critical bosses, lazy slackers, negative discouragers, backstabbing rumormongers and gossips, know-it-all squelchers, micro-managing nit-pickers and turf-protecting power brokers – to name only a few.  They’re unproductive, but always have excuses they think justify their unprofessional behavior.  They create hostile workplaces.  They’re energy vampires – they can suck the life out of any effort.  No matter how much you give them, it’s never enough.  They’re not grateful and they don’t give back.  They demand or connive to get more.

Don’t try to make them happy.  It’s an impossible task.  You’d have to cater to them and give away your organization to them.  Instead, good leaders and managers help them go somewhere else.  Maybe they’ll be happy at another company or maybe you can get them a job in a competitor’s organization.

Give your time, energy and goodies to your high quality employees.  How?  You don’t need my top 10 list to get started making your best employees happy.  Maximize their chances for success.  Give them all the training, equipment, operating systems and support they need to succeed.  To high quality people, accomplishment is an aphrodisiac.  Beyond that – ask them.  Every individual will have an individual list of desires – training, opportunities for advancement, cleansing their environment of losers, more flex-time and money, etc.  Then do your best to give it to them.

What if there’s more than 15% bottom feeders at your company, and management doesn’t care?  Be one of the best employees.  Try to get the attention of leaders.  If that doesn’t work, go be a best employee at your competitor’s company.