Dieting? Quitting smoking or stopping drinking? Whose advice should you trust?

Are you dieting?  Have you noticed that everyone has advice about the best ways to stop?  The advice-givers also think they know best for people who are trying to quit smoking or stop drinking. For example, Tammy is dieting again.  She’s tried losing weight before, even succeeded, but has always gained it back.  This time she’s more determined.  Her friend Helen says she knows best.  She tells Tammy that she must eat big meals to celebrate every small success, like when she loses a few pounds.  If Tammy follows her advice, Helen will know that Tammy is really her good friend.

You’ve seen the same pattern when smokers push cigarettes on a friend who’s trying to quit.  Or when a drinker gets upset and pushes drinks on a friend who’s trying to stop drinking.

Is Helen really Tammy’s friend?  Does Helen have Tammy’s best interests at heart?  Should Tammy listen to Helen’s advice?

Of course there are many more difficulties to losing weight, quitting smoking or stopping drinking, but I want to focus on this one part of the total effort.

We could easily say that people who want to lose weight shouldn’t listen to the Helens in the world, people quitting smoking shouldn’t listen to supposed friends who tempt them with cigarettes, and people trying to stop drinking shouldn’t accept free drinks from pushers.

But I’d like to show you how to use the Nine Circles of Trust technique in this situation.  Instead of trying to answer questions about whether Helen is a true friend, Tammy simply started listing what anyone would have to do to move from the distant ninth circle, into the eighth circle closer to her, or closer still into the seventh circle, and even into closer circles.  The closer Tammy allows them to come, the more likely she is to listen to their opinions or advice.

During this listing, Tammy realized that she didn’t want to allow into her personal space, anyone who pushes food on her, whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.  Even if they threaten Tammy with the loss of a so-called friendship, her commitment to her diet comes first.  If Helen continues to push food down Tammy’s throat, Tammy must get Helen’s opinion out of her face.  That may mean getting Helen out of her space.

Tammy says she’s open to people expressing an opinion on which diet worked best for them.  But she’s not willing to listen to people trying to tempt, seduce or coerce her into doing what they may think best if it violates Tammy’s goals or standards.  She won’t accept relentless arm-twisting from Helen.  You can read more about what Tammy does in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Of course, most of us can be politely non-committal when someone offers a little friendly advice … one time.  We can easily ignore the suggestion if we want, and they don’t push their opinions or standards repeatedly.  But relentless bullying by people who think they know best and try to force us or emotionally blackmail us is different.

One key to the success of the Nine Circles process is that it shifts the focus from abstract discussions of friendship and trust, and converts them into your taking charge of the specific actions (and opinions) that you’ll allow in your personal space.

Imagine how the Nine Circles method would work for someone trying to quit smoking or stop drinking.  Since many dieters, smokers and drinkers have internal, self-bullies that try to prevent them from taking charge of their space, personalized coaching and consulting is usually necessary.

Read 20 different case studies demonstrating how to stop overt and stealth bullies in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  You’ll also see how a woman resists a verbally abusive, coercive and intimidating husband in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

A general question to ponder: should you blindly follow relationship advice from your massage therapist who has been in an endless series of one night stands after four failed marriages?  Or should you blindly follow spending directions from your orthopedic surgeon who thinks the only worthwhile activity in life is Scuba diving in New Zealand?  How being assaulted by parenting advice from people whose children are selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and don’t respect them?

These people may have expertise in one area of life, but they don’t know best about other areas – especially for you.  If you continue to allow their opinions into your space, it’s like allowing them to continue to stick pins in your body.  Eventually, the insult and pain will wear you down.

Instead, use the 9 Circles of Trust exercise to decide what standards are yours and what opinions to let into your space.

Where else could you benefit from the 9 Circles of Trust process?

The 9 Circles of Trust

Whether you’re thinking of personal relationships or the workplace or you’re teaching your children, how can you know who to trust? Some people think that it’s morally and spiritually advanced to start by trusting everyone.  You’re somehow a bad person if you don’t trust people.  After all, you get what you put out.  Other people say that everyone is out to get whatever they can so you should start by trusting no one.

Where do you usually begin?  And do you have any horror stories of people who trusted too much or too little?  Or heart-warming stories when trusting won over a previously un-trustworthy person?

Read more and you’ll learn about the 9 circles of trust – a process for getting around the unanswerable, philosophical trust-question.

Seventeen year-old Abby doesn’t know what to do with her boyfriend or whether she should trust her step-father.  She grew up knowing men were not worthy of trust.  Her father bailed on the family when she was six, leaving her mother with Abby and three younger children.  They never heard from him, but Abby knows he took all the money.  Her mother worked hard, but it was years before they could get on their feet.  Abby saw a succession of boyfriends take advantage of her mother; bullying and abusing her, and verbally intimidating the children.  The men were selfish and self-centered; real narcissists.

Her mother finally found a great guy.  They’ve been married for eight years and Tim has been wonderful to her mother and all the children.  It’s as if his heart has adopted them even though they’re not his biological children.  He spends his money on them as if they were his real family.  He helps around the house.  He’s always there for Abby, her mother and the other kids through their emotional ups and downs.  He attends all their functions and has gotten Abby in the middle of the night when she’s needed help.  He’d even support her if she went to college.  Should Abby trust Tim or is he going to turn out just like the other men?

Abby’s 22 year-old boyfriend is demanding, abusive, intimidating and controlling.  He blows up when she doesn’t do what he wants.  He says he proves his love by being insanely jealous and insisting that she doesn’t go to college because she might meet other guys.  He doesn’t work and says he needs her support to get his life together after the terrible treatment he suffered at the hands of his parents.  He even wants her to drop out of high school now so she can get a job and they can live together.  With her help, he might be able to stop drinking and smoking dope.  Since he says he loves her and would be lost without her, how can she not trust him?

Let’s compare that with a situation at work.  Lizzie’s boss is a bullying, control freak.  He gives everyone impossible tasks and deadlines.  Since they’re never perfect, he micro-manages, yells and delivers crushing putdowns.  He’s verbally abusive, emotionally intimidating and threatening.  He’s created a hostile workplace.

But when people started complaining and leaving, he promised he’d change.  He’d be more understanding, kind and caring.  Liz had begun to look for another job, but now she wonders if she should trust him.  Notice that while this looks different from Abby, it has the same key question: should Lizzie trust her boss?

I’ll use Abby to describe how the Nine Circles of Trust method works.  Think how Liz could apply it at work or someone could teach her daughter how to apply it to the other kids at school.

With coaching, Abby sees that she’s making a problem for herself by looking at trust in the old way – should she trust someone or not.  What’s more useful is for her to develop an accurate, realistic prediction of what another person is likely to do, based on their past behavior.  The more accurate her estimations are, the more she can trust her estimates.  That’s what trust is about: trusting her accurate estimations.

Abby also makes a problem for herself when she thinks the question with her boyfriend is whether or not he loves her.  She’s better off when she decides how she’d like to be loved (what behavior would make her feel loved) and then tests whether or not her boyfriend treats her that way.  It doesn’t matter what he calls it.  What matters is whether he treats her the way she defines love.

In order to develop a repeatable process, she imagines herself at the center of a bull’s eye.  She makes nine circles of trust getting further and further out from her; like she’s at the center of a target.   She writes how someone would have to behave in order for her to allow them to move from the furthest limit to one circle closer.  Actually, she makes different lists: one for her stepfather, one for her boyfriend and one for a girl at school.  At this distance, her tests for whether she’ll allow them closer are about non-threatening, physical behavior: no hitting, throwing things or physical abuse.

Then she makes lists of how they’d have to act in order for her to let them into the next closer circle.  At this distance, it’s about polite, civil behavior; not stealing her things, lying, bad mouthing her, yelling, threats or intimidation.

Then she makes a list for admission to the next closer circle.  And so on, closer each time.  Now she’s ready to decide how, for example, her boyfriend has acted and which circle she’ll put him in.

Abby’s shocked at her estimation of him.  She puts her boyfriend into the ninth circle.  He’s a bully and she won’t allow him any closer.  Despite her previous experience with her biological father and her mother’s rotten boyfriends, she brings her stepfather right next to her.  He has proven himself during eight years, despite lots of bad behavior from her.

Some of the other important considerations when using this process are:

• Adjust the prices of admission (the tests) to each circle as you learn more.
• Ignore reasons, excuses, justifications, pleading and coercion – base your estimates on actions.
• Be open to surprises (good and bad).
• Move people further away when they act bad.
• Keep people in their previous position even if they do one thing nice – recognize established patterns.
• You may move a particular person closer or further away depending on the circumstances – for example, you might go to a party with someone, but never lend them money.

You’ll find more examples of the effective use of methods like the Nine Circles of Trust in personal and work life in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

In which circle would you place the people in your life if you trusted that your estimates of what they’re likely to do?

How to correct your children and say "No" to them

Recently, I’ve seen articles and heard parents saying that since words can hurt, we shouldn’t deny our children what they want or ever say, "No" to them.  They think that if we deny them or say "No", we’ll damage their confidence and self esteem.  But if we give them continual praise and approval, we’ll help them develop high self-esteem and a willingness to take risks.  Some studies are even quoted about the harmful effects of the words parents use. I disagree with that advice and parenting style.

Of course words matter; and even more important is how they’re delivered – frequency, voice tone, body language and with beating or caressing.

Of course, unrelenting yelling, insults, criticism, humiliation, shame, guilt, dismissing, ridicule and rejection are harmful.  Personal insults hurt little children.  Hostility and personal attacks tell children that they are bad people for wanting what they want or for doing something wrong or for not doing something right.  It’s easy for children to think their identity is damaged, defective or blemished in ways that cannot be rectified.

A few days ago, I saw a chilling video made at a car wash.  A mother was holding the arm of an approximately 3-4-year-old child while torturing her with the power washing hose.  The child was screaming in pain and writhing to break free.  The mother was screaming that the child had better respect her.  Of course, we don’t need research to tell us that’s lousy parenting and abuse.

Such unrelenting viciousness isn’t confined to parents; it’s also dished out at work.  It’s as if some people really believe the motto attributed to Captain Bligh of the “Bounty:” The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

Don’t live a life fueled by such anger and viciousness.  Weigh your life heavily toward approval, encouragement and praise.  After all, children naturally want to learn, explore and imitate their loving parents.  Maintain control of yourself during moments when your frustration might break out into emotional abuse and intimidation, or verbal and physical violence.

Create a background of loving physical and verbal caresses for all your interactions with your children.  Against that background, it’s critically important that you correct, deny and say "No" sometimes.  Don’t give children everything they want.  Set age-appropriate limits on their behavior.  Teach them how to get along socially.

Most important: Teach them that they can be denied and be told "No", and the world doesn’t end.  Their lives go on just fine without getting everything.  Maybe they’ll get what they want another day.  Or maybe, they’ll have to grow up and earn the money to get what they want for themselves.  Or maybe, as they grow older, they’ll become more aware of the consequences of what they want and they’ll learn to not want it.  That’s called self-discipline, character and integrity.

If you never say "No", you end up with spoiled, selfish children like Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Teach them to be resilient so a "No" doesn’t crush their spirits.  Then, denial doesn’t stop them from ever wanting or asking again and a "No" isn’t emotional abuse and doesn’t cause emotional damage.

Teach your children what’s safe and unsafe, what’s right and wrong, what’s worthy and not good enough, what’s honorable and dishonorable.  Without your guidance, TV will teach them.

Some people still have scars because of what their parents said and did repeatedly.  And, of course, some have more and deeper scars.  But let’s be clear.  All of us ultimately have the same task: to get over our childhoods and create better lives for ourselves and our children.  Whether the scars were caused by parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, teachers, school bullies or rotten strangers, the task is the same. How can we do that?  I always look to the people who had it worst: The ones who survived genocidal wars, prison camps, slavery.  How do they look at themselves and the world that they can still laugh and sing and dance and love?  And it’s our job to become like them also.

In addition, we can now resist the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual attacks by spouses, co-workers and bosses.  We can now resist putdowns and bullies; we can now reject their opinions or fight back. We must now train our own memories and fears: The future does not have to be as bad as the past was.  Otherwise we become adult victims to what they did to us when we were children.

Don’t let those ruin the rest of your life.  Grow up.  They might have been in charge of the past, but you’re in charge of the future.

History is not destiny.

How do you know if someone is your friend?

Dana is a seven-year old with a good heart.  In order to help a new girl, Amanda, break into her school, Dana befriends her.  She talks to the girl, hangs out with her on the playground and even has her mother arrange play-dates.  Dana is cheerful and popular, and her efforts are successful.  Other children also become friends with Amanda. But, even in the beginning of their friendship Amanda often manipulates, controls and bullies Dana.  Dana wonders, “Is Amanda really my friend and what should I do?”  Here’s what Amanda does.

Actually, Amanda is a manipulative, controlling stealth bully.  Stealth bullies are:

• Selfish – When Dana won’t do what Amanda wants, Amanda gets angry.  She yells that Dana is bad.  Amanda insists that her opinions matter more than Dana’s.
• Critical – She criticizes Dana’s clothes and what Dana likes to do.  She’s gleeful when she points out Dana’s mistakes.  She’s always putting Dana down, topping her, countering her and staying one-up.  She’s always right and righteous about it.
• Hyper-sensitive – When Dana plays with other girls, Amanda says that her feelings are hurt.  According to Amanda, Dana is her best friend and she’s supposed to play only with Amanda.  Amanda says that the only way Dana can make her feel good is for Dana to do what she wants.
• Deceitful – Amanda doesn’t apply that rule to herself.  She feels perfectly free to play with whoever she wants to.  She even snubs Dana when she wants to become “best friends” for a while with the other person.
• Righteous finger-pointers – Amanda is always right and when her feelings are hurt, it’s 100 percent Dana’s fault. She always blames Dana.

Dana is mystified.  Amanda says that she’s Dana’s best friend but Dana often feels verbally abused and emotionally intimidated.  Amanda stimulates Dana’s self-doubt and insecurity.  Dana doesn’t know what she’s done wrong when Amanda is hurt and angry.

Since Dana doesn’t identify Amanda as a stealth bully, she doesn’t resist Amanda’s attempts to manipulate and control her.

My coaching with Dana’s parents awakens them to the problem.  Their daughter is being manipulated and controlled.  I teach them how to help Dana recognize the patterns of Amanda’s manipulating.

So, how can Dana decide if Amanda is really her friend?  Dana and her parents make a list based on her interactions with Amanda – what would a true friend do in each of those situations?  Using this simple method, Dana can see that Amanda hasn’t done any of those things.  Dana recognizes that Amanda is a stealth bully.

Actions speak louder than words.  Actions show you who’s a true friend.  Reasons, justifications and excuses don’t.  Just like the expression, “Follow the money,” I use the expression, “Follow the actions.”

Dana’s parents help her accept that she’s done nothing wrong.  Amanda is the one with the problem.  Amanda doesn’t know how to be a good friend. 

But the important question for Dana is not, “Is Amanda my friend?”  The important question is, “Do I want to be with a person who acts like that, whether or not she calls herself my friend?”  Whatever Amanda’s upbringing and family problems are, she will have to act better if she wants to be with Dana.

Dana is now well on her way to breaking the pattern and creating a bully-free personal space.  She’s learned a valuable lesson she’ll need in junior high school.

Teenage student harassed, bullied and beaten, but none of the adults at school protected him.

According to numerous reports, a teenager was bullied at West Middle School in metro Denver.  The boy had pencils, markers and a calculator taken; he was called fat; he was called “gay” because he was involved in musical theater; because he was from musical theater, he was called a “Nazi.”  Eventually, he tried fighting back against his tormentors.  But he wasn’t big or strong enough and was beaten severely.  He suffered a broken collar bone and head injury.  The published picture of him is self-evident.  Now that the case has become public, the community is in an uproar and the Cherry Creek School District has responded by expelling the bully.  The bullied boy has reported that the bully threatened to beat him more when he returns.  Three other students, who also threatened to beat up the victim, have been required to sign contracts that they won’t harass the boy.  That’s nice of the school district to go that far. Of course the legal wrangling will go on for a long time.

There’s so much to say about this example of hostility, abuse and brutality.  I want to comment on only a few areas.

The adults failed.  Whether they blame the legal system or say they didn’t know; they failed. Since the severe beating happened at the end of November, don’t you think that every student in school knew what was happening? 

The parents of the bully and his collaborators failed.  They are supposed to know their children’s character and to stop their children’s bullying.

The teachers failed.  They are supposed to know who torments, abuses and bully’s another student and they are supposed to stop it.  They allowed a hostile, abusive environment to continue.  If the typical educational approaches don’t work rapidly, they are supposed to intervene in other ways.

The principal failed.  The principal is supposed to set a tone of zero tolerance.  The principal is supposed to be courageous enough to cut through the legal red tape and somehow stop bullies.  If the teachers don’t stop it, the principal is supposed to stop it and then get rid of those cowardly and/or ignorant teachers.  The worst beating happened at the end of November and the principal did nothing effective for three months until the story became public.

The administrators in the school district failed.  The administrators are supposed to be courageous enough to cut through the legal red tape and somehow stop bullying.  If the principal doesn’t stop it, the school district administrators are supposed to step in and then get rid of that cowardly and/or ignorant principal.  The worst beating happened at the end of November and the district administrators did nothing effective for three months until the story became public.

How can we hold up these teachers, principal and school district administrators as models for children?  They have failed as models.  Despite, or maybe because of, their colleges and universities, their degrees and certifications, their possible expertise in some course matter, they have shown themselves to be ignorant or cowardly or inept or all three.  They have failed the public trust and are unfit to be teachers, principal or administrators.

They should not be allowed to hide behind a poor legal system.  We all know that there are schools in the most violent locations in which courageous administrators, principals and teachers bullying.  And they do it in the face of the same.

The 14 year-old boy who was bullied has shown himself to be courageous.  He has succeeded.  At first he did what we all try to do.  We try accommodating in hopes that the bully will move on.  We ask bullies to stop; we take the bullying; we try to understand what lousy home lives we think bullies must have; we try to rise above it.  These tactics may stop many kids who are temporarily trying on bullying to see what it feels like, but those tactics don’t stop dedicated, relentless bullies.  They are not effective for teaching children to stop bullies at school.

Eventually that boy fought.  I say he succeeded because, even though he was severely beaten he did what was necessary to try to stop his tormentors.  He lost the fight but he emerges as the one person who is not a coward in this affair.  He can hold his head up high all his life.  He can keep his self-esteem.  He can judge the adults as cowards and failures.  I hope he is resilient enough to bounce back  and continues to resist to bullies the rest of his life.  I hope that when he becomes an adult with more choices, he creates a personal life that is bully-free.  Sometimes, a tormented teen can fight back and win – as in the case of the “Teen acquitted in punch.”

Of course, bullies will always exist .  America is not unique, nor are we the worst people in the world.  We are outraged and we will try to make better systems.  And more important, we still must train , seek and hire people who can act effectively, no matter how poor the system is at any moment.  And we must educate and prepare individuals to be as courageous as that 14 year-old boy.

Among other places, this story was carried by the Denver Post (Bullies called teen “Nazi” and “gay”), 9news (Student says he was bullied, beaten because he’s German), the Denver Channel News (Boy: School Bullies Harassed Him Because Of German Ancestry) and the Denver Post Neighbors Forum (Article Discussion: Cherry Creek teen may face bully in court).

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don’t be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?

Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

What are the warning signs of controlling husbands?  Here's my list of the top dozen.  Do you have any to add? 1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. 2. You're afraid you'll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. 3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it's spent on. 4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. 5. You're told you're incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. 6. You're told that you're to blame if they hurt you. 7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don't do exactly what they want. 8. Their standards rule - your "no" isn't accepted as "no;" they're always right and you're always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they're not abusing you, you're too sensitive. 9. They isolate you - they won't allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work. 10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you're wrong or not good enough. 11. Your concerns generally don't get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes. 12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.

In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.

Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don't recognize and label the control and abuse as "bullying."  When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you'll be empowered to resist them.  When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.

The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.

Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying.  But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.

Teaching children to stop bullies at school

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal described a new “craze” to teach students not to become bullies.  In “Learning by Cooing: Empathy Lessons From Little Tykes,” the Journal described the method used by a school in a Seattle suburb, among other schools, that puts 6 month old babies in front of children from kindergarten to the eight grade.  The hope is that the students will empathize with the little tykes and not bully their fellow students.

Of course, we hope children don’t grow up to become bullies.  And of course, researchers interested in the craze can provide scientific studies to show that the method works.

But let’s be real.

I’m more interested in teaching parents to help their children deal with the real-world – which will have emotional abuse, verbal intimidation and overt physical bullying by determined bullies.  And your children will see the same when they become adults – at work and in their personal lives.

Teach your children and teens to deal directly and firmly in order to stop bullies at school.  Prepare them for the workplace and for adult relationships like marriage, relatives, friends and neighbors.  I can help with coaching, speaking, books and CDs.  Few things ruin children’s confidence and self-esteem, or stops their emotional development faster that being poorly equipped to deal with controlling, domineering bullies.  That feeling of helplessness can last them all their lives.

It’s nice if principals and teachers don’t tolerate bullies at their schools, but the chances are that your children will have to stop those bullies on their own.  Are you teaching them the attitudes and skills they need?  Or are you indulging in wishful thinking and sticking your head in the sand?

"How to Stop Bullies" book reviewed in Denver Business Journal

On January 25, 2008, the Denver Business Journal reviewed "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks."  Here's what they said in "Ben's book on bullying tells how to stop them." "Ben Leichtling, who writes the monthly 'The Human Element' column for the Denver Business Journal, has published 'How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks' (www.BulliesBeGone.com, $19.95). He describes the book as '20 case studies of people who succeeded against controllers, critics, manipulators, emotional intimidators and self-bullying,' and it's a companion book to his earlier tome, 'Bullies Below the Radar.'

The book is loaded with real-life examples - including some from the workplace.

Since 1985, Leichtling has been a consultant, psychotherapist and life coach-advisor."

I'd add only that people are catching on to my tips because I get lots of comments like: That's why I could never make it work with my ex-wife or that's why I always lose my self-confidence when I'm with my boss or now I know what to do with my control-freak sister or I've stopped my hostile, manipulative teen.

Stop Bullies Book

I wrote "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," because people asked me to.  They wanted to benefits examples of my straightforward, practical, real-world methods and tips applied to hostile and abusive situations at home, with teens, in personal life and in the workplace. What's the cost of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of your spirit.

The Stop Bullies book will help you protect yourself, your family, and your boundaries.  Don't endure verbal abuse or emotional intimidation.  Don't become a victim of bullies and predators. Instead, learn to increase your self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem. 

The book contains 20 case studies showing you how to deal effectively with schoolyard bullies who have grown up and still try to take control and power over you in many situations:

• In the office at work (bosses, co-workers and employees).
• At home in the family (children, teens, parenting, mothers, fathers, your parents and siblings).
• In relationships (marriage, dating, intimate relationships, friendship). With domineering friends who try to thwart dieters and know what's best for you.

You'll recognize:

• Controlling, manipulative, nit-picking perfectionists.
• Hostile, critical, abusive, intimidators and boundary pushers.
• Negative, hyper-sensitive "professional victims."

You'll recognize them among your bosses, co-workers and employees; among your parents, teenagers, spouses, partners, siblings, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends.

Why have I been able to develop these methods and tips?

Bullies come in all sizes and shapes.  No two bullies are the same, but their patterns of behavior are the same.  They're the same from the schoolyard to adulthood.  That's why I've been able to identify countermeasures that can be applied to any bullying situation.  These strategies and techniques are not theories.  They come from my real-world observations and they work.

You'll also find examples of individualized, personalized coaching and consulting to support your own inner work.  You can learn to wise up, stand up and stay up in the face of self-bullying, and overt and covert bullies.  The chapter and examples of people dealing successfully with Stealth Bullies has been eye opening for many people.

Teen acquitted in punch

Here in Colorado, the big news today is about a black teen acquitted for punching one of two teens who were taunting, harassing and threatening him.  See below for details from some of the news stories. Good for you Randall Nelson.

For parents of young children and teens, I'm commenting on one aspect that I often hear from well-meaning parents.  They tell their children not to fight; fighting is wrong, it only leads to more fighting.  They tell their children to understand that bullies have suffered and to forgive bullies.  They tell their children that forgiveness, kindness and negotiation will solve every situation peacefully.  As Randall Nelson's case illustrates for every teen, of any color, race, religion, sex, that's nonsense.  So, what do I think Randall should have done?

I think Randall did great; just what he should have done.  Randall Nelson tried not fighting back.  That's a good first approach.  He got the authorities involved.  That's a good second step, but they didn't stop it.  If those two steps don't work, you'd better have an effective back up plan.  Randall had the right back up plan.

Parents, if you coerce your children and prevent them from fighting even as a last resort, you leave them like defenseless sheep in a world that has wolves.  As I said about work bullies in a recent article in the Denver Business Journal (January 11, 2008, page A28),

"Bullies will interpret [your] reasonableness as weakness … They will remain hostile and righteous.  They will escalate their emotional abuse into a feeding frenzy." 

Teach your children and teens to protect themselves.  Don't encourage them to endure verbal abuse or emotional intimidation.  You'd be encouraging them to become insecure victims of bullies and predators. Instead, help increase their self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem.  This theme of teaching children and teens to face the real work also mentioned in the blog entry, "Cyberbullying suicide case."

You can learn more detailed methods through my books, coaching and speaking.

I think it was Kfir who said,

 "Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, war has never solved anything!"

Some of the articles describing Randall's case are: "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Teen acquitted of assault in racial case," and "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Teen who faced racial taunts acquitted after breaking 2nd teen's jaw."

Cyberbullying suicide case

I've been reading the news reports and postings about the cyberbullying suicide case.  For example, "No Charges in Cyberbullying Suicide Case," and "L.A. Grand Jury Investigates Web Suicide Case" and "Prosecutor Will Review Megan Meier Cyberbullying Case," and "Mom: MySpace Hoax Led to Daughter's Suicide," and "Cyberbullying Suicide Stokes the Internet Fury Machine," and "Prosecutor won't bring charges in MySpace suicide." That's the case in which Megan Meier, a teenage girl, was pushed toward committing suicide by Lori Drew, the mother of a former friend of Megan's.  Lori Drew, pretending to be a 16 year-old boy on MySpace, engaged Megan and exacted her revenge by dumping Megan.

To the parents of children and teens, I'd like to comment about only one aspect of this tragic situation.

We should be aware that this use of social networking sites and the internet will become more prevalent.  Predators and bullies, and hurt, angry, righteous and spiteful adults and teenagers have always used whatever methods they could in order to attack and take revenge on their targets.  Teens and adults will subject other teens to emotional abuse, verbal abuse and now cyberbullying, manipulation and intimidation.  They stimulate the insecurity and low self-esteem of their victims.  The ability to remain anonymous on the internet increases the likelihood that cowards, bullies and predators will use the web to strike at their targets and victims.

The world has been, is and always will be a place with potential danger.  Life is full of risks.  As much as we will discuss, argue and make legislation in order to protect our children and teens, the dangers and risks will remain.  That doesn't excuse Lori Drew.  That's just the way I think the world is and we must take that into account as we raise our children.

Do not teach your children that the world is a safe place.  Good parenting requires you to teach your children how to balance the risks, stakes, benefits and dangers of every activity.  You must teach your children to judge wisely which activities (which dark alleys, parties, friends and events) seem safe and which have huge risks attached.  You must do that in order to help them increased their independence, self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem.  And you must monitor them.  And, if your children and teens are like mine, you must also be prepared for them to do what they please.  But you're planting good seeds.

There have always been and will always be predators and bullies.  Prepare yourself and your children.  Of course, there also have been, are and always will be wonderful people who are worth knowing and who will stand by you in times of tragedy.  Find them and fill your life with them.

As Rabindranath Tagore said, "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts."

I hope these parenting tips, taken from my coaching and speaking, help.  What do you think?

Teens Bullying Parents

I read an interesting post, "Responding to Manipulation," on the byparents-forparents blog which highlights the fact that teens will try to manipulate their parents. I see that problem all the time. It's natural for children, especially as they become teenagers to try to get their parents to give them everything they want. But parents must resist teens' boundary pushing, emotional intimidation, emotional abuse and bullying.Independence, self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem are increased when teens don't win every time when they push against the reasonable boundaries set and held by parents. Don't allow endless negotiation. Good parenting requires you to make your "no" be a "no." Don't be swayed by media influences telling you the contrary.My book, "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks," has a typical example of a mother who frees herself from her own guilt, insecurity and her teenage daughter's manipulation. When the mother stops being a victim, she can finally help increase her daughter's emotional development, confidence and self-esteem. Through expert coaching, speaking and parenting tips, I help parents develop plans customized to their specific situations.

A bully on line in the post office

There's power in recognizing and labeling bullies.  If we don't recognize what's going on, if we see hostile aggressive people as normal people, and think that somehow we're the problem because we keep them from getting what they want or deserve, we will let them take advantage of us.  When we recognize and label bullies, we get the courage and strength to stop them in their tracks.  We protect our boundaries; we clean up the trash in our personal ecology. We've all been frustrated waiting in line.  Last week, I was being waited on at the post office during the Christmas rush, when a large, 30-something man carrying a bunch of letters got behind six people waiting their turn.  He called out to the clerk, "I want to go next because I have a quick question and I don't want to wait."  He started to move to the front.

Everyone in the post office froze.  Tension and hostility were so thick you could cut them with a knife.  I could see the frustration and anger on the faces of everyone in line, while they thought of what to do.  They were in a hurry too.

There's a lot we don't know about the situation I watched unfold.  Notice that he didn't ask any of the people in front of him if he could cut in, he asked he harried clerk.  What could she do?

If you were one of the six people ahead of him in line, would you say something or would you let him go ahead of you?  If you think of him as a merely jerk, you'd probably let him push ahead and make you wait.

Why do I label him a bully and what happened?

A tiny, young woman (18-20 years old) said politely, "Wait a minute.  Wait your turn.  I have only one package.  The rest of us have only a few things and we've been waiting also."

Since the boundary pushing bully originally asked the clerk, not the people in line, I had seen one of the early warning signs of a bully.  Now, the bully acted blatantly.  He started walking to the front of the line while saying to the young woman, in a hostile, belligerent tone, "What, are you some kind of smart a--?"  Now, that's a bad attitude on a difficult person.

That's also a moment of truth for everyone on line!  What would you do?

One person in line just looked away angrily, pretending they weren't being abused.  Another victim said sarcastically, while giving way, "Well, if you insist."  But the young woman responded, "You still can't cut in ahead of me.  Get to the end of the line or come back later."  A middle aged woman said, "Yeah.  Who do you think you are?  We're all in a hurry.  Get to the end of the line."  An older man said, "Wait your turn like the rest of us."

Amazingly, the boundary pusher didn't attack with more hostility, nor did he curse and leave.  He stepped back in line to wait his turn.  It was as if the bully was just pushing whatever boundaries he could, until someone stopped him in his tracks.  Suddenly, the line got cheerful.  The three people who stopped the bully, started talking to each other.  The person who looked away, thanked the three for being brave.  The victim who was willing to give way also thanked them saying, "I hate being polite to hostile, rude, obnoxious people, but I never want to make a scene.  I was taught to be nice to everyone."

This is a minor incident.  But these abusive people cause hostility at school, and with families, children, parenting and relationships.  They also create a hostile workplace. The point is clear.  Bullies push boundaries until you stop them.  If you allow bullies to trash your personal ecology, you'll feel belittled, victimized and a little dirty.  If you recognize and label bullies, you'll find the energy to stop them in their tracks.

You can develop the will and improve your skill to stop bullies in their tracks at work and in your personal life.  Use my expert, individually customized coaching, consulting, speaking, books and CDs.

What do you think?

Stop Bullies in Their Tracks at Work & Home

Let's learn to stop schoolyard bullies who have grown up and still try to take control and power: • In the office at work (bosses, co-workers and employees). • At home in the family (children, mothers, fathers, your parents and siblings). • In relationships (friendship, marriage, dating, intimacy).

What's the cost of tolerating bullies? Slow erosion of your spirit.

Bullies come in all sizes and shapes. No two bullies are the same, but their patterns of behavior are the same. They're the same from the schoolyard to adulthood. That's why I've been able to identify countermeasures that can be applied to any bullying situation. These strategies and techniques are not theories. They come from my real-world observations and they work.

We'll look at how to stop bullies in many specific, different situations. You'll recognize the controlling, manipulative, nit-picking perfectionists, intimidators and "professional victims" among your bosses, co-workers and employees; among your parents, teenagers, husbands, wives, partners, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends.

Some resources that can help you are:

1. Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes - 3 CD set including workbook.
2. How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks - soft cover.
3. Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up - soft cover.