Entitled Teenagers Think Their Feelings Come First

Do you have trouble getting your teenagers to do what they don’t want to?  Do your entitled teenagers think their feelings come first in all things? How about your two-year olds or ten year-olds?

Of course, babies must try to get the world – their parents – to give them everything they need.  They’d die if they didn’t get us to feed them even when it’s inconvenient for us – say, at two in the morning or when we want a romantic evening or we want two minutes of peace and quiet.

Our task is to teach them, in age and stage appropriate ways, as they grow up, that:

• Their feelings are not the most important things in the world.
• There are many times when tasks and other people are much more important than their feelings.
• They can change their feelings.
• They shouldn’t let themselves be ruled by their feelings.
• It's not the end of the world if they don't get what they want.

If they don’t learn these crucial lessons, they’ll grow up selfish, narcissistic and weak, with no self-discipline.

In fact, graduating well from college often demonstrates the ability to be self-disciplined, delay gratification and do many things students think are stupid and useless.  Completing college shows job recruiters that the person is willing to do what’s necessary even under adverse circumstances – good qualities for a job, a marriage and being a good parent.

But if we’ve given into our kids from age two until they’re teenagers, we’re in for a tough time.  It’s hard to begin to teach them those lessons when they’re teenagers.  Think of most of the kids from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory;” examples of arrogant, entitled, rotten brats.

Nevertheless, we must begin.  We must:

• Set boundaries and limits, with real consequences if they don’t participate gracefully and graciously.  Asking without consequences is begging.
• Teach them that we will require them do some other things for other people and that some tasks are more important than whether they want to or not.  To demonstrate maturity and responsibility worthy of rewards they must do these obligations willingly, pleasantly and competently.
• Acknowledge their feelings (“Of course, you feel that way”) especially when we point out that just because they feel that way, doesn’t mean they get what they want from us or from the world.
• Teach them not to waste their time fighting with us to get what they want, but instead to struggle to get what they want against the least of them and against the world.  They cannot allow their anger to control them.  Calling us names, cursing, yelling or physical violence will get them severe consequences – even the police.
• Praise and encourage the wonderful person we know or hope is still living deep within them, wanting to emerge and take charge of their lives.  That inner spirit can learn other techniques to get what they really need.

The more even-handed and matter of fact we are, the more we apply our standards calmly and smilingly, but firmly and without negotiation or argument, the more we’ll succeed.  If your teenager fights to the death over everything, you have a very serious problem.

I am certainly not saying that they never get to vote on what they do or even get to rule in certain areas.  I am certainly not saying that we should break their spirits or beat them into submission.

I am saying that we insist they be part of a community that sometimes requires them to serve goals and relationships more important than their feelings.

Of course, they will resist.  They will:

• Try to manipulate, harass, bully and abuse us like they’ve done before.
• Try to get us into arguments about what’s fair.
• Pretend that if they’re not convinced, they don’t have to do things they don’t want.
• Try to blame, guilt and shame us.

A good guideline for us might be, “I’ll consider what you want if you make it fun for me.  And you will still have to do some things you don’t feel like.  And you will never get what you want by whining, complaining or trying to beat me into submission.”

Usually, as the teenagers get close to leaving home on their own or as we prepare to throw them out, we begin to back off.  We see that, as much as we worry, they simply won’t learn from our words of wisdom but, instead, they’ll only learn when the world teaches them these lessons.

We can prepare for when they’re gone by saying that we look forward to an adult relationship.  We won’t nag them about all the things we do now when we see them every day and when they’re living under our roofs.  After they leave, we’ll want to see them for fun times – whatever those happen to be.  And the rule will be that we will do things that are interesting and fun.  How’s that for a new relationship?

Of course, we also encounter people who think their feelings count more than anything else at work, and with spouses, friends, relatives and neighbors.  If you’re dating a person who thinks they’re the center of the universe, get away as soon as you can.  Don’t think you’ll change them.  Let them learn on somebody else’s body, heart and spirit.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying by Abusive, Narcissistic Teenagers

I hope you’re not a parent of a stubborn, angry, demanding teenager.  Or maybe even worse, the single-parent of one. We keep thinking that if we can only endure longer, can only say the right thing, can only find the perfect person or book or movie to say the right thing, can only make up for what they’re so angry about, our teenager will suddenly get it.  They’ll magically become the polite, civil, hardworking person we want them to be.

But how do we know when enough is enough and it’s time to kick them out?

Recognize when you may be still catering to, enabling or even prolonging a serious problem. How many of these signs do you see and when did they start – last week, age seven, age two, day one?  These toxic, abusive teenagers:

• Must get their way about everything, no matter how trivial it seems to you.  Any time you want something or ask them for something, they talk and act like you’re abusing them.
• Won’t lift a finger.  They push every boundary.  They will fight to the death.
• Have only style: harass you, resist everything you want, harass you or to “beat you into submission.”  They’d rather harm themselves than do what you want or do things your way.
• Expect you to help them or bail them out when they’ve messed up – no matter how badly they just treated you.  They think they’re entitled to whatever they want.  You’re responsible for making their life work.  They think their need is more important than your feelings.
• Use threats or overt physical violence toward you, your pets, your favorite or necessary equipment.

They remind me of the spoiled, entitled brats, like Veruka Salt, in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Some reasons why parents put up with this nasty behavior from their children even though they wouldn’t let any friends or anyone in the workplace abuse them that way are:

• They think it’s normal behavior for modern teenagers.
• Blame and guilt – especially single parents, who feel they caused their little darlings psychological damage and protecting, catering and enabling them is the way to make up for it.
• Accept their teenager’s excuses – “If only you do everything I want and give me everything I say I need, I’ll be happy, nice and successful.”
• Fear – if parents don’t give in, arrogant and needy teenager won’t love them, or their weak and fragile teenager will go to live with the divorced parent, or will hurt somebody or fail at life and end up on the streets, a loser or dead.
• Shame – if they kicked the kids out it would be morally wrong, show the kid they really don’t like him or be seen by friends, neighbors or relatives as a failure.
• Magical thinking – parents hope that if they let the abuse continue, one magic day, their darling babies (young adults) will get it and become instantly wonderful.

When is enough, enough? Any behavior on the first list, if done repeatedly.  Also if the teenager:

• Pushes any and every boundary.
• Relentlessly, sarcastically demeans you to your face in private or public.
• Runs up your credit card,
• Ruins your car even though they need it
• Blames you and lies when the police come.

What can you do, depending on the teenager’s age, sex and whether he has any disabilities?

• Plant seeds.  Remind him of his potential and your belief in him.  Nourish him with stories of people who created great lives despite problems far worse than his.  Feed him biographies of great people.  Tell him to choose to be invulnerable!
• Tell him that he needs a second strategy to get what he wants in life.  Stop focusing on getting what he wants from his parents and start focusing on getting it from the world.  Focusing on his parents is a waste of his time and energy.
• Tell him that while he already knows how to get what he wants by beating people (you) into submission, he needs to learn how be so likeable that people will be willing to give him what he wants.  To demonstrate that message, make clear that you might consider giving him what he wants if he makes it fun for you and that you’ll never give him if he tries beating it out of you – verbally or physically.
• Stop begging or bribing him.  Do not seek his agreement or permission to set high standards or have consequences you want.
• Kick him out of the nest and let the world teach him.  He won’t listen to you any more.  Let him fail, not have a car because he messed up yours, miss important events because you’ve grounded him, run away, try living with the other parent and get in trouble with the school or police,.  And if you’re afraid, call the police (having prepared them ahead) and press charges.  Let him learn that once people are older than ten years, the world pays only for performance, not potential, promises or excuses.  There are not an infinite number of chances and he can’t re-negotiate everything when he wants.
• Don’t bully yourself – your teenager is now responsible for his attitudes, decisions and actions.  Your teenager, like all of us, faces a choice: be a loser with a good excuse (“I was treated badly as a kid, I don’t get the breaks, my behavior is someone else’s fault – parents or teachers”) or be a winner no matter what

When you don’t require good performance, set and maintain strong boundaries and rules in your environment or punish him, the secret message your teenager gets is that you think he’s too weak and fragile to succeed.

This is a test of the strength of your commitment to the potential you see in him.  You’re setting a good example of someone who won’t allow a toxic polluter in her environment; even when that destroyer is your blood.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

This is a test of how far gone he is – how weak, narcissistic or crazy.

In my coaching with people around the world, I’ve seen that if you don’t require high standards you’re guaranteeing that your teenager will not turn around.  If you set boundaries, demand respect and have strong consequences that are not negotiable, then he has a chance of turning around and you can have hope.  At first, many of these kids thrash around and protest the new rules, but then they get it.

For example, see the last case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

If he continues to fight you as if it’s life-or-death, that tells you that there is a very serious problem.  You should treat it as such and think carefully about how to protect yourself from his hostility and bullying.  Prepare for worst case scenarios

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  Call me to design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Bullying Spouses won't be Convinced to Change

You can’t convince bullying spouses to change; you’ll never prove that you’re right or should have what you need; you’ll never deserve the rewards they withhold from you.  They’re not interested in the truth or in your reasons or your wonderful logic.  They’re not interested in loving you the way you want to be loved.  They know best and they’re only interested in getting their way; in controlling everything – money, sex, cars, computers, phones, friends, family. So many blog comments are from women wanting to be told that they’re right in their arguments with their husbands; that they should be allowed to do a few things like see their parents or girl friends or have a few dollars for groceries.  They seem to think they need to get permission from their controlling husbands to even spend a few dollars of the money they earn.  They’re always surprised that their good arguments don’t convince these control-freaks and bullies to change their behavior.

Many coaching clients come or call when they’re stuck in the same endless dynamic.  Some husbands say the same things about the controlling wives.

I have to say: Give it up. You’ll never prove anything to someone who doesn’t want to be convinced; to someone who thinks their best interests are served by always being right and always being in charge.

One of the favorite tactics of bullies is to attack.  These verbal and emotional bullies are always finding fault and picking on flaws.  The natural response at first is for the wives to defend themselves.  But that only perpetuates the cycle of attack and defense.  There’s never an end to the constant harassment and negativity.

Eventually the women get worn down.  They’re too tired to fight about everything, especially the silly little stuff so they give up and accept the bully’s rule.  Then they become victims.  They accept that it is their fault; there must be something wrong with them.

The bully will destroy their confidence and self-esteem.  The stress, anxiety and negative self-talk will lead to depression.  They think that if only they were perfect enough, he’d be nice and encouraging and loving.

The solution begins with a difficult realization: When it gets to that point, you’ll never win the argument.  You’re being poisoned slowly, there’s no convincing a toxic predator to change and your only hope is getting away.

No matter what the cost, if you don’t get away, the poison will take its effect; your soul will be destroyed.  Even if you have to begin from square-one again, you must begin.  You’ll need all the strength and courage you can muster.  You’ll develop the endurance and skill as you proceed.

Of course it’s hard.  When you’re living in the ninth circle of hell, it takes a lot to get out.  But that’s what you’re being called to do.  Your spirit is calling you to make the effort.  Your bright future is calling you to make the journey.

If you have children, don’t see them as an impediment.  Let them stimulate you to break out of prison and start a new life as far away as you need.

Of course, if we can catch it earlier, it’s easier to declare and maintain your boundaries.  Then it’s easier to demand loving behavior and to get away if the abuse continues.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching can help you make a plan that fits you and your situation.  Expert coaching can help you overcome the voices of your fears and self-bullying.  Expert coaching can help you honor the commitments and responsibilities you still want to honor.

You’ll find many examples of children and adults stopping bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.  Or call me for coaching at 877-8BULLIES (877-828-5543).

Of course also, everything I’ve described here is true about harassing, bullying, abusive bosses, co-workers, friends, parents, family, children.  How easy is it to convince a teenager who wants something desperately?  How easy is it to prove yourself to a rage-aholic parent who thinks you’re bad or will be a loser?  How easy is it to convert a know-it-all boss?  How easy is it to prove yourself to a parent who loves one of your sisters or brothers more?  How easy is it to change a righteous Church Elder?

Colorado Needs Consistent Anti-Bullying Programs

We all remember: Colorado was home to the Columbine High School shootings in 1999.  But as Jessica Fender reports in the Denver Post, “More Consistent Anti-Bullying Program Urged for Colorado,” after 11 years “good intentions have devolved into an uncoordinated approach that ignores best practices in some instances and leaves state authorities with no clear picture of how well the myriad policies work.” As, “Susan Payne, [who] directs the state's Safe2Tell effort, [says,] ‘One of our issues is there is no consistency.  While each school has to have a bullying policy, their policy is unique to their school.’”

They’re right, but laws and policies are only the first of a number of necessary steps.

Instead of thinking about which component is the most important, let’s look at what’s necessary in a different way.  Think of what we need to stop school bullying as if you were imagining a target with a bull’s eye in the center.  Everything in the bull’s eye is necessary.  If you leave out one of the elements in the bull’s eye, you won’t be successful.

So what’s in that core bull’s eye?

1. Effective, well-written laws to specify what’s illegal; that is, what’s bullying.  Without these laws, people like Lori Drew, the mother who set-up the Facebook page and led the attack that caused teenager Megan Meier to commit suicide, can get away with that behavior.  Or the kids who tormented Phoebe Prince, Asher Brown, Jon Carmichael, Ty Smalley, Jaheem Herrera, Brandon Bitner, Samantha Kelly, Billy Lucas, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover and so many others in 2010 until they committed suicide, will also get away with it.  Don’t limit the laws to include only protected categories of victims based on race, sex, religion, sexual preference, etc.  Be inclusive about the abuse, no matter who it’s directed against.  Maybe the phrase about protected categories should be, “…including but not limited to…”  Laws should contain provisions against verbal bullying and cyberbullying, as well as physical violence and abuse.
2. Require all schools to have policies.  Make principals, staff, school district administrators and school boards legally responsible for stopping bullying in their schools.  This way, reluctant, lazy, uncaring principals will be forced to act or face criminal and civil penalties for their failure to protect targets of bullying who are in their care.  Also, responsible officials and administrators will have legal support for taking effective action to discipline bullies in the face of bullying or uncaring parents who would sue them for disciplining their bullying children.
3. Require all schools to have programs designed to stop bullies.  These programs should contain a sequence of swift and firm steps to remove bullies from schools and school activities like sports.  The steps should focus on protecting targets first, and rehabilitating bullies only after they’re removed.  Effective anti-bullying programs also educate bystanders to become witnesses.  That requires spelling out what witnesses should say and do, who they should report to and how principals and teachers will keep them anonymous and protect them.  Effective programs also include close contact with police, especially in cases of cyberbullying and physical abuse.
4. Require training for everyone involved with school children, including bus drivers and cafeteria monitors.  Increase recognition of the more subtle but very pernicious forms of verbal and emotional bullying.  Increase awareness of the difference between episodic arguments and even fights between kids versus destructive patterns of taunting, harassment and physical bullying.  Give all staff specific steps to follow in documenting and reporting bullying.

Colorado’s Safe2Tell program is a wonderful effort to help kids come forward anonymously and to bring legal pressure to bear on bullies, their parents and school officials who need to act.

Of course, laws, policies, programs and training are merely the necessary guidelines on paper.  What makes them effective are dedicated people who are concerned and courageous enough to stop bullying.

Consulting and coaching within individual districts and schools does produce effective programs, stimulates the leadership of strong principals and energizes the support of good teachers and staff.  In addition, there is a natural weeding out of people who choose not to act effectively and shouldn’t be put in positions of responsibility for children’s welfare and education.  Effective programs develop and highlight models of great adults acting on behalf of children.

We don’t need to wait until there are more studies about why bullies bully.  We don’t need to wait until we have more studies to define all the consequences of bullying that turns targets into victims.  We don’t need to wait until we can write perfect laws, policies and programs.

We know enough about the stress, anxiety, depression, self-hatred, negativity, and loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, to know that the effects of being a victim can be life-long.  Just as successful school bullies tend to become bullies as spouses and parents, and bullies at work, so victims of school bullies tend to become victims as spouses and parents, and at work.

We know enough to act now to stop bullies.  We do need to act before more lives are ruined while we analyze, debate and vacillate.  I’d rather err on the side of protecting targets at the risk of being to harsh on a kid that wasn’t really a relentless bully, than the present situation that errs on the side of protecting bullies and leaves targeted children isolated, unprotected, helpless and thinking that suicide is the only way to end the abuse and pain.

Expert coaching of kids and families helps them become strong and skilled enough to resist being targeted by bullies and to stop the bullies in their tracks.  These children do not become victims of bullying.  And their parents learn how to make school administrators, principals and teachers do their duties, even if they’re reluctant.

Sexting, Harassment, Bullying and Suicide: Is the Solution More Laws?

When the parents of teenage suicide Jessica Logan called for new laws to stop “sexting,” and said that the school was responsible for stopping their daughter and her ex-boy friend and the other bullies who continued harassing her, the focus of discussion shifted from sadness about her suicide to the question of what to regulate and how to regulate it. Should we have new laws to prevent people from texting nude pictures of themselves?  Should schools be the forced to stop the practice?

As much as I feel for Jessica and her parents, they’re calling for the wrong methods to try to stop sexting.  We shouldn’t have laws to stop self-sexting and schools should not be held responsible for stopping it.  Either of those paths are over-reactions to the emotions in one situation.  They’ll lead to morasses and a huge waste of time and money.

The first problem was with what Jessica did.  The solutions to that problem don’t begin with laws.  The solutions begin at home.  Whatever the family dynamic was, Jessica sent the pornographic pictures of herself to her boy friend.  She didn’t have the sense to look ahead.  She’s not the first, nor will she be the last teenager to do something foolish with a boyfriend.  And he’s not the first, nor will he be the last ex-boyfriend who strikes back by talking or texting about his ex-girlfriend.  Of course, ex-girlfriends also have a long history of doing rotten things to their ex-boyfriends.

That problem is between Jessica and her parents.  Do you really think that any seventeen year-old girl hasn’t heard that she should be careful about what she sends in digital form, especially to boys?  Except for the ease and speed of transmission, that’s no different from someone, a hundred years ago, giving a hard copy of nude pictures of themselves to their boyfriend.  If someone wants to be that dumb, we can’t stop them, anymore than societies have ever been able to stop sex before marriage.

Teenagers have free will.  Could any of us stop our teenagers from doing all the things we thought were dangerous?  Our six teenagers taught us the futility of that attempt.  Could our parents have stopped us completely?

Beyond a short talk about the dangers of exposing yourself in public, schools shouldn’t get more involved.  We don’t need extensive and expensive educational programs.

A second issue is the ex-boyfriend’s sending pornographic pictures of someone else, and the subsequent harassment by cyber bullies, especially mean girls.  His actions and those of all the other nasty, cyber bullying girls and boys who passed around Jessica’s nude pictures, trashed her on Facebook, IM’d her and ruined her reputation can be made illegal.  This situation also illustrates the truism that means girls can be much more vicious than boys.

That’s different from the previous generation’s passing around published “Playboy” centerfolds, where the women had given permission to be seen by everyone.

This is a personal tragedy for the Logan family, but ruined reputations are an age old phenomenon and this problem was started by the person in the middle, Jessica, not by the paparazzi.  Our popular culture is no worse than most popular cultures have been, especially during times of opulence, extravagance and excess.  You can’t legislate morals successfully in such a time.

Our task as individual parents is still the same; to try to talk some sense and caution into our children and teenagers’ heads.  And many of them won’t listen and will learn their lessons the hard way.

I’m sorry Jessica didn’t have the inner strength and resilience to resist the bullying and harassment, and to move on beyond the loss of her reputation.  I hope the ex-boyfriend and all the other people involved in harassing her also learned some useful lessons that will change their future behavior.

Facebook Cyber Bullying Lawsuit Versus New York Teenager

As reported by Reid Epstein in Newsday, New York teenager, Denise Finkel has sued Facebook for $3 million because, she claims, it carried a fictitious Facebook chat group to bully, ostracize, ridicule, abuse and disgrace her.  The lawsuit states that former high school classmates, Michael Dauber, Jeffrey Schwartz, Leah Herz, and Melinda Danowitz created the chat room in which they falsely claimed that she had “inappropriate conduct with animals,” and had AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. I want to focus on two related areas that I think are more important in the long run.

Of course there will be a lot of furor over whether any or all of the accused four did it and whether Facebook is liable for content that’s not obviously pornographic.  Did Finkel complain to Facebook and did Facebook turn a deaf ear to Finkel’s complaints?  And are the four people guilty as accused?

The first area that I think is more important in the long run is the ongoing effort to make new laws in response to new crimes, especially using new technology.  The natural way that we make new laws begins when some people commit acts not specifically covered under the old laws that have terrible consequences.  We respond by specifically labeling those new actions as crimes, and attach what we feel are appropriate criminal penalties.  Then we see, by trial-and-error, where to draw better lines.  The legal system is inevitably slow, inefficient and never perfect.

Given the increasing number of lives ruined by cyber bullying, emotional harassment and abuse, especially in schools, and the number of suicides stimulated by cyber bullying, I think that our society will make laws specifically stating that false and malicious statements and postings, in addition to pornography, are illegal.  I don’t think we’ll hold carriers like Facebook, MySpace, etc. liable for their postings.  But I think we’ll hold them liable for ignoring complaints about specific chat groups and postings that they continue to carry.

Many states and school districts, including Kansas, Oregon and California are considering such laws to protect children and teenagers from cyber bullying.

One stumbling block in making such laws is where to draw the lines and the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can and should be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh.  But the letter of the laws can never cover all situations with “just right” justice.  We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations.  That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

And I think that in this area, safety should triumph over cyber freedom.

The second area that I think is more important in the long run is parenting for the specific situations involving our kids and teenagers.  Our job is to monitor our children:

1. Do they look like they’re having a hard time (maybe being attacked by cyberbullies)?  How can we help them stop bullying on their own or do we need to intervene?
2. Are they witnessing cyber bullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
3. Are they cyber bullies?  How do we stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
4. Should they even be on MySpace or Facebook or any social networking sites?  What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

And of course there are no easy answers.  No one is really dumb enough to think there are easy solutions.

There are no safe environments.  Schools and the real world have never been safe.  Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.  Imagine growing up on a farm, in a wilderness village or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

Our job as parents is to teach our children the skills and grit to survive in whichever jungle or battleground they live, and to protect them when they’re over-matched.

For practical, real-world tactics designed to stop school bullies and bullying, please see “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Individualized coaching can design action plans to fit your specific situation.  Also, the strong and clear voice of an outside speaker can empower principals, teachers and other students to stop bullying and abuse.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend’s daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns

In his article for MSNBC, “Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns,” Alex Johnson discusses the need for laws to prevent cyberbullying and also details situations in which schools can overreact in the enforcement of those rules.  The case of teenager Avery Doninger is particularly glaring. The underlying thrust of the article is the need to create exactly the right laws that will give the right result in every situation.  Situations like the cyberbullying suicide case last year make good laws critical.

The real problem is not necessarily the law; it’s the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can ever be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh.  That assumption overlooks history and human nature.  The letter of the law can never cover all situations with “just right” justice.  We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations.  That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

Our society is in the stage of figuring out where we want to draw the lines about a new method, cyberbullying, that bullies and perpetrators use to harass, abuse and attack adults and children.  That’s our normal trial and error process.  There’s no easy answer for protecting kids online. Actually, we make laws in hopes that they’ll yield justice in, say, 95% of the cases that come up.  No matter what laws we make in any area of life, there will be specific situations in which a literal or dumb interpretation leads to an under or over-reaction.  That’s where we hope the individuals involved use good sense and good judgment.

In the case of Avery Doninger, the real question is: Is the law bad or did the school principal get defensive and over-react by not giving a second chance to a good and contrite student who learned an important lesson or is there more we don’t know about Avery?

We’re stuck with the fact that laws, by themselves, will never cover every situation, no matter where we draw the lines; whether it’s about cyberbullies, verbal bullies or physical bullies. I look carefully at the application of any law in a specific situation before rushing in to change the law.  Often the problem is in the application, not in the law itself.  That’s why we have Appeals Courts.

Separate from the general laws are the specific situations involving my kids and your kids (and adults).  My job is to monitor my children:

• Do they look like they’re having a hard time and may be being attacked by a cyberbully?  Are they having difficulty dealing with it?  How can I help them deal with it by themselves or do I need to intervene?
• Are they witnessing cyberbullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
• Are they creating a hard time for someone else (are they cyberbullies)?  How do I stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
• Should they even be using MySpace or FaceBook or any social networking sites?  What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

I’m going to get my answers to those questions by observing them, talking to them and, maybe, using good software like PC Pandora to monitor what they’re doing (http://blog.pcpandora.com/2009/01/29/do-new-cyberbullying-laws-go-to-far/).

Cyberbullies and cyberbullying will be with us no matter what laws we make.  We hope the laws will help us deal effectively with most of them.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

When children and teens learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults. Coaching designed for the specific situations faced by individual parents and teenagers is critical.

No easy answer for protecting kids online

A new pseudo-scientific and misleading study has been reported on by the Wall Street Journal, “No Easy Answer for Protecting Kids Online” and the New York Times, “Report Calls Online Threats to Children Overblown.” I’m sorry the headlines on this article allow people to draw the wrong conclusions, like “Threats exaggerated.”  It’s a mistake to base decisions on comparisons stating that cyberbullying isn’t much worse than other bullying.  A study that concludes that there’s no easy solution is a waste of time and money.

Of course there’s no easy solution.  No one is really dumb enough to think there’s an easy solution.  No amount of software will make the internet any safer than giving your money to Bernard Madoff or crossing the street.

Ignore the pseudo-science of the report.  Instead, pay attention to our individual kids and teach them that “friends” on social networking sites aren’t really friends, they’re merely virtual contacts; no matter how sympathetic they sound or how friendly they claim to be.  Obviously, dealing with malicious and vindictive virtual people (kids or adults) is much more difficult than dealing with people face-to-face.  And we all know how difficult that can be.

Remember the adults who encouraged a teenager to commit suicide.

Cyberbullies and predators on social networking sites are with us.  Of course we’ll find some software to help track down malicious rats and sexual predators, but we can never guarantee safety in the real world.  Striving for absolute safety is the wrong approach.

There are no safe environments.  That was the message I always got from reading the great hero stories when I was growing up.  And each tale challenged me to prepare myself for similar dangers.

Schools and the real-world have never been safe.  I remember a biography of Harpo Marx (remember the Marx Brothers).  He went to school for one day.  The kids threw him out the window (first floor).  He came back in.  They threw him out again.  After the third time he didn't go back in.  And never did again.

Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.

Imagine growing up on a farm, in the wilderness or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

As parents, we have the responsibility to monitor and guide our children and teenagers.  Of course kids will object.  How many of us thought our parents were right when they tried to limit what we wanted to do?  As parents, we must be wise enough to know more about the dangers of the real world than they do and strong enough to stand up to their anger.

We must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if our children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyberbullies, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they’ll develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.

Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Beating the CyberBully

In his post on Urban Semiotic, “Beating the CyberBully,” David Boles discusses the hate mail, anonymous and faked comments, and other tactics of cyberbullies.  He lists some cases that have finally been heard by courts with jurisdiction, including the one when a vengeful adult drove a neighboring teenager to commit suicide.  David points out that some states have adopted anti-cyberbullying laws while others don’t It’s so frustrating for parents and kids because we often feel pretty helpless, even when we can see the warning signs of cyberbullying.

I’m glad some states are finally passing laws to outlaw cyberbullying and I hope the Federal government will also.  I’m glad YouTube, MySpace and Facebook also have become part of the policing effort; good for them.  If these social networks don’t take strong action, then parents shouldn’t allow their children to use those sites; whether the kids like it or not.

It’s the only way we’ll have a chance to stop cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

The laws will make it possible to draw the line that outing and prosecuting cyberbullies is more important than the anonymity and privacy that the internet affords … and that we all like.

I don’t let my empathy, sympathy and pity of cyberbullies get in the way of doing what’s necessary to stop their behavior.  Not only put them in prison, but make it illegal for them to get on the net again.  Just like we restrict some activities of convicted felons.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

Talking to your kids about Cyberbullying

In her article in the Wall Street Journal on December 17, 2008, “Talking to your kids about Cyberbullying,” Sue Shellenbarger writes about the difficulties of dealing with cyberbullies. In addition to the difficulties in getting your children to talk to you about the problem, there are often additional problems because the bullies’ parents won’t stop their children and school administrators often won’t take effective action.

It’s so frustrating for parents because we feel pretty helpless.  We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?

We have to plant the seeds of sharing and problem-solving long before the kids encounter this type of bullying.  You have to know each child and with a shy or introverted one, be extra vigilant so you can probe at the first signs of trouble.

The other part of the difficulty is changing the situation.  If the bullies’ parents don’t care and the schools won’t take effective action, you will probably feel isolated and stuck.  Too many administrators are cowards – they don’t want to get involved.

We focused on strengthening six our children and helping them be determined and resilient in order to face the real-world jerks and bullies they would inevitably see at school and when they became adults.

Remember the adults who encouraged a teenager to commit suicide.

I give examples of how to deal with bullying in my book “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the CD set “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  I’ve also written many posts on my blog about developing resilient kids.  Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

You can care too much about winning your parents’ approval

My last post was about adults who carry to their graves the wounding and scars they got from their parents.  These adults never grow up mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  They never leave their parents’ mental and emotional homes, even if they leave physically. While watching the John Adams mini-series, I saw a classic example.

Whether the program was factual or not, the picture it showed of John and Abigail’s youngest son, Charles, was so typical and true that I’ll comment as if it was factual.

Because John was gone during the Revolutionary years for long periods of time in Philadelphia and Europe, and Abigail also went to Paris, Charles did not get as much of his parents’ love and affection as he wanted.  Charles especially wanted his father’s approval.  But John would never approve of Charles’ lack of serious, studious devotion to a stable career dedicated to building his country and supporting his family.

Forget about what John and Abigail should have done.  We can feel sorry for Charles, but the obvious reality is that Charles was never going to get what he wanted from his parents.  And the more Charles wasted his life in whining, drinking, frivolous daydreams and squandering his talent and money, the less likely that he would get what he wanted from them.

Here’s the key: Charles is faced with an emotional reality that is as real as rain or snow or hail or drought or flood or grasshoppers eating your crops.  What is Charles’ task?  No matter what, Charles has the same task we all have.

We each and all must suck it up and succeed.  We must take responsibility for creating futures that are wonderful, no matter what our givens are.  In my forthcoming e-book on how to stop school bullies in their tracks, you’ll find a case study of a teenager facing this decision.  But you know it’s true.  You had to face it.  Everyone has to face it.  Charles’ brother, John Quincy, had to face it.  And John Quincy sucked it up successfully, despite not liking it.

As Jawaharlal Nehru said, “Life is like a game of cards.  The hand that is dealt to you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” 

Charles ran from the difficult responsibility of being in charge of creating a wonderful future.  He blamed his failures on his parents’ lack of giving him what he wanted.  As if he was the first person not to get enough from his parents.  Do you really think that if John had come home from the Continental Congress in Philadelphia and said that he thought Charles was a delightful, sweet, charming and lovable fellow, with good stuff buried inside, Charles would have become strong, responsible and successful?

Charles wasn’t resilient enough to succeed in the face of the bad weather in his life.  He couldn’t put his parents off to his mental and emotional side.  He wasn’t courageous, strong and hardworking enough for himself, his wife and his child.  He failed.  And history rolls over the failures.

Charles shouldn’t have let his parents’ deficiencies be more important in his life than his future.  His parents – our parents – are not excuses for failing.  Why let people ruin your future if they didn’t give you what you need when you were young and still don’t?  Move beyond them.  Find other parents (older people) who will love and appreciate you.  Find models to inspire you.  Succeed, despite the harsh weather.

What else is worth doing with the energy and days given you?

Teenage student harassed, bullied and beaten, but none of the adults at school protected him.

According to numerous reports, a teenager was bullied at West Middle School in metro Denver.  The boy had pencils, markers and a calculator taken; he was called fat; he was called “gay” because he was involved in musical theater; because he was from musical theater, he was called a “Nazi.”  Eventually, he tried fighting back against his tormentors.  But he wasn’t big or strong enough and was beaten severely.  He suffered a broken collar bone and head injury.  The published picture of him is self-evident.  Now that the case has become public, the community is in an uproar and the Cherry Creek School District has responded by expelling the bully.  The bullied boy has reported that the bully threatened to beat him more when he returns.  Three other students, who also threatened to beat up the victim, have been required to sign contracts that they won’t harass the boy.  That’s nice of the school district to go that far. Of course the legal wrangling will go on for a long time.

There’s so much to say about this example of hostility, abuse and brutality.  I want to comment on only a few areas.

The adults failed.  Whether they blame the legal system or say they didn’t know; they failed. Since the severe beating happened at the end of November, don’t you think that every student in school knew what was happening? 

The parents of the bully and his collaborators failed.  They are supposed to know their children’s character and to stop their children’s bullying.

The teachers failed.  They are supposed to know who torments, abuses and bully’s another student and they are supposed to stop it.  They allowed a hostile, abusive environment to continue.  If the typical educational approaches don’t work rapidly, they are supposed to intervene in other ways.

The principal failed.  The principal is supposed to set a tone of zero tolerance.  The principal is supposed to be courageous enough to cut through the legal red tape and somehow stop bullies.  If the teachers don’t stop it, the principal is supposed to stop it and then get rid of those cowardly and/or ignorant teachers.  The worst beating happened at the end of November and the principal did nothing effective for three months until the story became public.

The administrators in the school district failed.  The administrators are supposed to be courageous enough to cut through the legal red tape and somehow stop bullying.  If the principal doesn’t stop it, the school district administrators are supposed to step in and then get rid of that cowardly and/or ignorant principal.  The worst beating happened at the end of November and the district administrators did nothing effective for three months until the story became public.

How can we hold up these teachers, principal and school district administrators as models for children?  They have failed as models.  Despite, or maybe because of, their colleges and universities, their degrees and certifications, their possible expertise in some course matter, they have shown themselves to be ignorant or cowardly or inept or all three.  They have failed the public trust and are unfit to be teachers, principal or administrators.

They should not be allowed to hide behind a poor legal system.  We all know that there are schools in the most violent locations in which courageous administrators, principals and teachers bullying.  And they do it in the face of the same.

The 14 year-old boy who was bullied has shown himself to be courageous.  He has succeeded.  At first he did what we all try to do.  We try accommodating in hopes that the bully will move on.  We ask bullies to stop; we take the bullying; we try to understand what lousy home lives we think bullies must have; we try to rise above it.  These tactics may stop many kids who are temporarily trying on bullying to see what it feels like, but those tactics don’t stop dedicated, relentless bullies.  They are not effective for teaching children to stop bullies at school.

Eventually that boy fought.  I say he succeeded because, even though he was severely beaten he did what was necessary to try to stop his tormentors.  He lost the fight but he emerges as the one person who is not a coward in this affair.  He can hold his head up high all his life.  He can keep his self-esteem.  He can judge the adults as cowards and failures.  I hope he is resilient enough to bounce back  and continues to resist to bullies the rest of his life.  I hope that when he becomes an adult with more choices, he creates a personal life that is bully-free.  Sometimes, a tormented teen can fight back and win – as in the case of the “Teen acquitted in punch.”

Of course, bullies will always exist .  America is not unique, nor are we the worst people in the world.  We are outraged and we will try to make better systems.  And more important, we still must train , seek and hire people who can act effectively, no matter how poor the system is at any moment.  And we must educate and prepare individuals to be as courageous as that 14 year-old boy.

Among other places, this story was carried by the Denver Post (Bullies called teen “Nazi” and “gay”), 9news (Student says he was bullied, beaten because he’s German), the Denver Channel News (Boy: School Bullies Harassed Him Because Of German Ancestry) and the Denver Post Neighbors Forum (Article Discussion: Cherry Creek teen may face bully in court).