Bullies always have reasons they think are good enough for why they harass and abuse their targets. It’s always the fault of their targets. Bullies think their excuses and justifications should relieve them of any consequences for their behavior.
They are that narcissistic and self-deluded.
What’s wrong with these pictures?
Walter shoved the little kids around at school. He waylaid them in the halls, in the schoolyard, in the cafeteria and in the bathrooms. Walter said the other kids weren’t nice enough to him and, anyway, they were exaggerating how much pain he’d caused. His principal knew that Walter wasn’t likeable and that his father abused him, but not in ways that could be reported to the police. His principal’s anti-bullying strategy was to tell the other kids to be more understanding of Walter’s situation, to be nicer to him and to wait for Walter to outgrow his problems.
Sonja was well-known as the nastiest girl in school. A few other girls, who admired her certainty and righteousness or were afraid of her, did what she told them to do. They helped her make sarcastic remarks about other girls, shove them, harass them and pick on any of the physical or mental qualities they called “defects.” Sonja claimed that the other girls had started it by being nasty to her and that they deserved what they got. Anyway, she was only having a little fun. Her principal knew Sonja was actually very insecure and was always criticized by her parents. Nothing she ever did was good enough for them. Her principal’s anti-bullying approach was to encourage Sonja’s targets to be more understanding of her, to try to win her affection and friendship, and to wait for her to learn to be nice, despite the examples she had for parents.
In both cases, these principals had accepted the excuses Walter and Sonja had given. They also accepted the socially-acceptable, psychological explanations for Walter and Sonja’s behavior as excuses and justifications so that there should be no consequences for them. They had it hard enough at home.
There were no consequences for Walter and Sonja: no detention, no suspensions. Since nothing happened to them, they never had reason to change. In fact, since they were allowed to continue their bullying, they had gained more power at school.
In addition to the principals not protecting their students, the principals made no attempt to rally all the students to do something about them. When people can’t get the responsible authorities to protect them, they are given only a few simple choices: submit to the bullying or become vigilantes and take justice into their own hands. Of course, those principals will punish them, even though they never did anything to Walter and Sonja.
The take-home message is that while we can have sympathy and understanding for bullies’ excuses, justifications and problems, we must still stop their bullying behavior.
Of course, in order to make the point, I’ve simplified the cases I’ve presented. But the point is simple. Any complications and difficulties only mean that we may need more determination and cleverness to implement an effective plan. But those complexities don’t change the direction we need to go. They may mean that we, as parents, may have to bring great pressure and publicity to bear on principals who won’t stop bullying.
Learn how to recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and control freaks in school.
Overt bullies are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.
Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize. But if we don’t recognize their tactics and label them as “bullies” we can’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.
Seven warning signs of sneaky, bullying controllers in school are:
They think their sense of humor is correct. They use you as an emotional punching bag. They think they can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it. They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and about you in public. They point out all your mistakes and failings, and they tell your embarrassing secrets. Then they laugh like it’s a joke. If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding. They think your feelings are stupid and not logical. But you better not say anything about them.
They elbow you or knock your books down and look innocent and pretend it was an accident. And they smile.
Bullies form cliques and gangs. They cut you out. They lure or push other kids to bully you also. They say bullying you is your fault because you’re different. But the real reason they bully is that they’re bullies. They want power and control, and to feel good by putting you down.
They’re sure they’re more important than you are. They think your whole life should be devoted to their needs, wants and whims. If you won’t, they’ll make you look bad. They pretend to be your best friend but then you have to do what they want, or their feelings will be hurt. They’ll spread gossip, rumors and lies about you.
Everyone is a pawn in their game. They think you have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them. They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on. Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy. You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
They think their excuses, excuse them. They think their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do. They think that if you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil. The absolute certainty of these manipulative narcissists seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying. You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule. They think they’re allowed to do anything they want – to take what they want, to harass, abuse, attack or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules. If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, they say it’s your fault and your problem. They’re right and righteous. Everything is your fault.
Sneaky bullies are emotional manipulators. They try to make you feel helpless and hopeless. They isolate you.
Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right. If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.
You can never be kind, nice, sweet or caring enough to change them. You are not the therapist to solve their psychological problems. The responsible adults are supposed to stop them and then change them or to isolate them. They’re bullying, control-freaks. Don’t debate or argue with them, but don’t ignore them.
These bullies have been around forever. A quote from one of the oldest books we have, “The Mahabharata,” says, “If you are gentle, [bullies] will think you are afraid. They will never be able to understand the motives that prompt you to be gentle. They will think you are weak and unwilling to resist them.”
See them as the sneaky bullies they are. Fight back verbally. Get help. Have your friends record what the say and do. That’s what cell phones are really for. Get help from a trusted teacher and you parents. Fight back physically if you can and have to.
If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
Sometimes, adults simply don’t see the truth themselves, but more often, some adults:
Want to maintain illusions that these close people are not actually dangerous.
Hold back because they don’t want to say anything bad about someone like an ex or a relative.
Have a value that it’s wrong to judge a person’s identity as bad or evil.
Some parents hesitate even when the danger is obvious and glaring.
These hesitations are wrong and very damaging to the kids. Kids need to now that they may be in dangerous situations even at home. Especially, kids need to know when what they sense is accurate.
Jane’s father had even seen his five year-old daughter yelled at, harassed and verbally and emotionally bullied by the new boyfriend of his ex, Jane’s mother. So when Jane said she was scared to go there and that the boyfriend was bad to her, he knew her fears were well-grounded. Jane also said that her mother had said that the boyfriend was a good person. Obviously, Jane was unsure what to think. But she knew what she felt.
Jane’s father was a nice person and didn’t want to think of the boyfriend as a bad person, so he hesitated in responding to Jane. He didn’t want to say that someone was bad. Also, he thought it was important for a child to see her mother often and to like her mother’s friends.
Jane’s father has conflicting values and hasn’t effectively organized his priorities in a hierarchy of importance. It may be important to him not to judge or label people as “bad” or “evil,” but more important than that value is the value of protecting his child. And there’s a way he can intervene without judging the boyfriend’s identity.
Jane is unsafe. She’s being subjected to mental and emotional bullying and abuse. Her mother may be also. And both Jane and her mother may be targets of physical abuse already or in the near future. Jane’s father must intervene effectively even though he may have difficulties because of court ordered divorce requirements or because of the possibility of starting a fight with his ex in court.
Kids need to know when their sense of things is accurate and true.
A key step in developing confidence and self-esteem is learning when we can trust our estimations of people and situations even if other people disagree or our self-bullying, “monkey mind” tries to talk us out of what we sense to be true. Tremendous damage is done to kids when adults tell them not to trust their feelings, thoughts and intuitions.
Jane needs to know that she’s right. What she estimates as “not safe” and “fear” is accurate. She should not be talked out of those accurate estimations because of big and meaningless words like “compassion,” “kindness” or “being non-judgmental.” She must know that she does see the reality of the situation. Even more damaging than thinking that “love” means putting herself in dangerous and painful situations, if she’s talked out of her feelings, she’ll grow up riddled with self-doubt.
To protect Jane, we don’t need to judge the boyfriend’s identity.
Jane, at age five, may think in terms of good or bad, but we don’t have to.
Thinking in those terms is usually a self-motivation strategy. Some adults generate enough anger to act only if they think in those terms. Then they often over-react because they’re so emotional.
But we can act simply when we recognize that a situation or person is dangerous. We don’t need to get into a highly emotional loop that keeps us from acting effectively. And we don’t need to label people’s identity. We can simply discern a pattern in their actions no matter what their reasons, excuses or justifications are.
In a way that a five year-old can understand, Jane’s father must acknowledge to Jane that she’s right; the situation is painful, dangerous and scary. Then he can deal with the difficulties in the situation. If Jane’s mother is also feeling abused by her new boyfriend, Jane’s father may be able to stimulate her to act without her admitting she’s done anything wrong – which might make it easier for her to act.
But Jane’s father may have to deal with difficulties in order to protect Jane. Can he get Jane’s mother to get rid of the boyfriend without going to court? Can he get documented evidence that a court would accept? Must he get a court-approved psychological evaluation, which would put Jane in the middle of choosing between her parents?
These are not easy choices. Jane’s father probably needs good legal advice before he begins.
Do you think it’s normal for tweens and teens to be sarcastic toward their parents? You know: the non-verbal hostility and sarcasm of eye-rolling, snorting, laughing. You know: the openly sarcastic remarks, put-downs and talking back directly to us or in front of us while they’re talking to their friends.
I think it’s normal for people to try to discover what works easiest for themselves: to think their opinions matter, to think that they’re entitled to express themselves in any way they feel like at the moment, to try to assert themselves and to push boundaries in order to gain control and power.
Some typical reasons why parents don’t insist on better treatment:
Parents complain that it’s hard to resist the bad influences of tween and teen television, movies and internet shows, and the bad influences of their friends. Yes, that stuff is out there. Yes, we have to put out more effort to counterbalance bad influences. Don’t wallow in analysis of those factors. So, it’s hard? We can’t wait for society to make things easy for us. Who said parenting would be easy? We must act as soon as we can to teach our children to see what’s wrong with the media and the behavior of some of their peers.
Many parents are afraid their children won’t like them if they’re “strict.” As if being liked is more important than setting boundaries and high standards. We do know that our children will understand a lot better when they have teenagers of their own. Of course, there’s a balance. I’m not talking about beating or abusing our kids.
Many parents think that it’s very important to be best friends their kids. As if their kids will reveal more secrets to them or that kids will be helped to adjust better when they’re friends with their parents. I even saw an official name for that style of parenting, “Peerenting.” What nonsense. If your children know as much as you, you don’t know enough. They may be technically more savvy, but they’re still kids and we’re still parents. They don’t know more about what constitutes good character, attitudes and values. They don’t know more about the effects sarcasm and nastiness will have on their careers or families when they grow up. We must teach them.
Many parents do not believe in punishing their children. They think their children will grow out of all bad behaviors by themselves. As if denying children what they want or thwarting their self-expression will create psychological problems for them later. As if, when they become 21 or get married or have children, those kids will suddenly become polite, civil and responsible citizens who love their permissive parents.
Many parents believe they shouldn’t set standards. They believe that kids should determine their own standards as they grow up. I think we are teachers. We teach them a set of standards that we think is right. When they grow up they can decide what parts of ours they want to keep and what other ideas they want to try out.
One of the most important lessons we can teach and model for our tweens and teens is that we determine what behavior we’ll allow in our personal space. We must not allow harassment, bullying and abuse in our personal space. Since tweens and teens are still dependent on living with us, we can’t simply remove them from our space, as we would any adult who attacks us, no matter what the relationship is. Therefore we must require that they treat us well. That’s the first price they pay for anything they want from us beyond food and shelter.
Do not show them that we give into bullies. They’ll believe what we show them, not what we ask, beg, bribe, threaten and yell at them to do.
Some effective parental responses to smart-mouthed kids, all delivered with good cheer and smiles and a matter-of-fact firmness, are:
Take charge of the TV and internet. Allow them to watch only certain shows or internet sites. Sometimes, watch with them. Teach them to resist bad influences they see.
The kids will say, “All the other kids act that way. I’m just trying to fit in” We can say, “If the other kids told you to murder someone or commit suicide, would you? We don’t do what jerks or losers do. We’re better. We (last name) set higher standards.
They’ll say, “You’re just forcing me; you’re just blackmailing me.” Answer, “Yes. Of course I am. I’m showing you how much I care about teaching you good behavior and what behavior I allow in my personal space. I’m showing you that good behavior is so important I’m willing to make you unhappy. Usually I try to make you happy. There’s a price you pay for getting what you want from me.”
They’ll say, “I can say what I want. It’s free speech.” Answer, “Actually, there’s a lot that we as a society have decided you cannot say, like joking about carrying a bomb on an airplane or insisting you can play ‘Words With Friends.’” Answer, “What you’re really arguing is that there should be no consequences for your being nasty; that no one should get upset when you’re a jerk. I’m saying that there are consequences for expressing yourself any way you want. People might not like you; people might not want to do nice things for you.”
Some other ideas to share with them
Treat the people you’re closest to, the nicest. You know you have to be polite with strangers, teachers and cops. Be even nicer to your parents.
If kids are left to create their own society, without wise adult input, you get “Lord of the Flies.” Read it. Would you like to be the target of those tweens expressing the worst of themselves?
No matter what we do, our kids will grow up disliking something about the way we raised them. So what? Say, “Do differently when you’re a parent. Be prepared to be shocked when your kids protest about you even though you think you’re a wonderful parent.”
Signs that you have a real problem child.
It's a bad sign when children fight to the death to resist reasonable rules of polite, civil behavior. Civility requires some effort compared to selfish, spoiled behavior and childish temper tantrums to get their way. Therefore, I expect kids to push back at first. Tell them that this battle is a waste of their precious time. Encourage them to put their energy into struggling to succeed in school, to develop good friends, to prepare themselves with skills for being effective adults living a wonderful life. If they still focus on fighting us, they have a real problem
What if you get no support from a bullying spouse?
Again, this simply adds to the degree of difficulty. Two very bad situations are if your spouse actively encourages and participates in abusing you, or if, for example, your extended family culture supports male children in abusing females. Stand strong and openly set high standards. If they won’t change, you may have to get rid of them.
What if you’re just beginning to set standards now that they’re teens?
Of course, it’s always easier to start when they’re young. If you let them get away with mistreating you when they’re five, you’re setting yourself up for a very big problem when they’re fifteen. If you’ve let an older child grow up to be a rotten teen, don’t hesitate to learn from your mistakes with the younger children. You can be open and honest, “I was wrong when I allowed your older brother or sister to act rotten. I’m sorry I let them grow up spoiled, selfish and arrogant. But I’ve learned and I’m doing better for you. I know it may seem harder on you, but you’ll be much better for it.”
Prepare your children for being adults in a world where bosses and spouses won’t be permissive and all-forgiving. They will require high standards of behavior. They won’t plead with you and negotiate forever and neither should will I.
If your children have already become teenagers who think they’re entitled to do what they want, set boundaries immediately, as long as they’re under your roof. And then demand good behavior toward you when they move out on their own.
If you think that fear of change is normal human nature, you’re wrong. That’s especially true for the leaders you select.
For example, Harry was slated to move up to Senior Vice President in a few years. In the meantime, his division needed to change its direction and way of doing business. He must groom a great leadership team and weed the appropriate people.
Another member of the team felt threatened because there wasn’t enough lead-time to prepare for shifting hurdles or moving targets. She found a cookie-cutter job with fewer challenges.
I disagree.While resistance may be the norm in our society at this moment of time, that doesn’t make it normal. In other cultures and in America in the past, “normal” was to be excited by change. That’s where the great rewards are. Think of Edison, Rockefeller and Ford, for example.
Whenever our ancestors came to America, last year or 30,000 years ago, they faced huge changes and took great risks. They thrived, or we wouldn’t be here. We have those hardy genes. People who thrive today will have the same qualities their ancestors had. They won’t be brainwashed into feeling fragile.
Our normal reaction to change can be eager anticipation; just as we had before our first day of surfing or skiing. Like life, these activities are inherently dangerous and exhilarating.
The higher you go in a company, the more you have to keep your head in the game when things change suddenly. Harry’s company isn’t downsizing, but most people who stay will have to learn to function well in continual change. He’ll provide training, consulting and coaching – but not hand-holding. And he won’t be conflict-avoidant in protecting the high standards he needs.
Get over discomfort. Our feelings aren’t handed to us in stone. Don’t wait until we’ve developed a sense of safety and confidence, or an abundance mentality. Take responsibility right now.
Many of us have been taught to ignore putdowns. It’s considered morally superior to rise above them.
That’s a big mistake. Respond quickly when someone attacks you.
For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public. Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity. But taken together they represented a hostile pattern.
He acknowledged that he should have responded rapidly to Sybil’s initial attacks. The more he allowed them to pass by unchallenged, the more bold she became.
Many people believe that forgiveness – complete, unconditional and true – is necessary for spiritual development and for stopping bullies.
These people struggle so they can see all people as completely spiritual and good, they strive to love them unconditionally, and they aspire to rise above earthly concerns and values. That makes them feel very spiritual and virtuous.
However, much more often, I see the trap that “ineffective forgiveness” leads people into.
There’s a better way – “effective forgiveness.”
What I see are the many women and men who I’ve coached or who have written comments about their years of trying to love and forgive bullies who haven’t changed and who continue to harass and abuse them and their children. Ineffective forgiveness becomes a trap when:
We don’t stop thinking about the incidents and we generate the same repeating cycle of strong emotions.
We don’t take precautions so the bully repeatedly attacks us.
We don’t learn how to avoid the same traps or how to stop bullying by toxic, selfish, narcissistic bullies’ sneaky manipulations, control, back-stabbing, or overt violence or threats of violence.
Ineffective forgiveness means that we hope the other person won’t be mean or nasty next time. We hope that our believing this bit of wishful thinking helps bullies become better. And to show that we’ve forgiven, we must put ourselves back into the same position in hopes bullies won’t take advantage of our good nature and kindness.
What do we try to gain by replaying incidents of bullying and abuse?
Replaying is a motivational strategy. We’re trying to develop enough fear or pain, suffering or sorrow, isolation or depression, anger or rage so that we’ll finally take steps to protect ourselves. We’re trying to develop enough energy to act effectively.
Therefore, once we know that we’ll protect ourselves, we can stop the rehashing the incidents, stop regenerating the strong emotion in order to keep us suspicious and alert. Then we can forgive effectively.
What are the goals of effective forgiveness and what do we usually require to get there?
The goal of effective forgiveness is simply to stop thinking about the other person so they occupy no space in our mental or emotional worlds.
In order to relax our vigilance, either we have to know that the perpetrator won’t try bullying us again or that we’ll protect ourselves, naturally, automatically and easily, if they ever try again. Because we’ll stop them automatically, we don’t need to replay and re-analyze all the terrible incidents to keep us on guard and full of energy.
Sometimes we’ll get bullies out of our environment, off our isle of song, but sometimes we’ll allow them to stay, although we’ll protect our personal space next time. Effective forgiveness does not mean that we must still relate to them in the way they want. Whoever tries to require continued interaction as evidence of “forgiveness,” is still trying to control us.
Usually, we test a bully’s sincerity by requiring public apologies and amends. If they won’t do these, we correctly don’t trust them. Even if they do these, we still can choose to get them out of our space.
What if no apologies or amends are possible?
I saw a program about the Amish in America, in which a portion was devoted to a young man who invaded an Amish school, sent all the boys out and started shooting all the girls. He killed five and seriously wounded more. Then he killed himself.
What can we say? There are no apologies or amends that would make that okay.
I’m saying that in such cases, the task of the Amish families is not to forget, but somehow to move on with the children who are alive and with each other. Whatever they can think and do to reduce this horror to a size that makes it only a part of life, to a size that still allows them to find joy, for the children to grow up and love and have their own children, whatever allows them to do that is effective. If they use the work “forgiveness,” that’s fine.
How can we forgive ourselves?
Follow the same approach. Beating ourselves relentlessly; negative self-talk, self-bullying, self-doubt, self-questioning, perfectionism, blame, shame, guilt and self-flagellation are simply ways of continuing to remind ourselves to do better. But that’s a hard way to keep the reminder in mind. The price is pretty high – loss of confidence and self-esteem, loss of will and determination. When we change our way of being in the world, so we know we won’t act that way again, we won’t need the self-bullying. Or when we make ourselves into people who are so filled with the best of us that we won’t act that way next time, we won’t need the self-bullying to motivate us to stay on track.
The goal of effective forgiveness is always about behavior:
We don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies.
No specific process is required or is the best, as long as we get to the goal. Whatever our explanations, psychological rationalizations, excuses or justifications are for bullies’ behavior or whatever make us feel good about forgiving them, the only criterion that really matters is that we get to the goals of effective forgiveness – we don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies and we protect ourselves.
Notice that I haven’t gone into abstract discussions about the existence of evil, or whether bullies are sinners or whether this world of pain and suffering, of joy and beauty is real or whether it’s a delusion to see through. Those considerations might be important to some people, but they’re irrelevant to learning how to stop bullies and to protect ourselves from their attacks.
It’s natural to respond to employees going through personal crises or enjoying tumultuous events, such as marriages and births.
But have you volunteered to serve as therapist to some of your most troubled employees? If so, have you asked the rest of your staff if they like your new role?
For example, Joe spent much of each day talking with people on his large team about their personal problems. He thought his tender ministrations could turn anyone into a stellar performer.
Joe was proud that he was a caring, people-person; a friend. He wasn’t an insensitive, bullying, abusive, slave driver. He wanted his team to be a family. He expected success as a result of his people-centered approach.
Most of the solid performers still on Joe’s staff were looking to leave. They felt harassed, stressed, abused and abandoned while he was doing therapy on those four underperforming employees. Joe’s peers thought he should be reprimanded because his department was a bottle-neck.
Jane’s sister, Betty, seemed to have been born with a vicious tongue. She attacked everyone relentlessly. Holidays with the extended family were a misery for Jane and her family. Nobody, not even their mother, stopped Betty. Everyone was afraid to complain directly to Betty. If they did, Betty would turn on them even more spitefully before.
According to Betty, nobody’s children were good enough – they were all ugly, stupid, ignorant, mean or bad. They were too fat or too skinny; they ate too much or too little; they ate too fast or too slow. They dreamed too big for their non-existent talents.
Betty laughed joyfully when she pounced on someone’s mistakes, no matter how trivial or irrelevant. Their choices were always wrong, their clothes and manners were wrong. Betty always knew better and rubbed everyone’s nose in it.
Some of Betty’s reasons excuses and justifications for why she was so hostile were:
“I’m right.”
“Those are my feelings. It’s my honest opinion. You wouldn’t want me to repress how I feel, would you?”
“You're too sensitive.”
“I’m doing it for their own good. You’re too soft on them. They’ll never get better if you don’t correct them.”
“I had to take it when I was a kid. It’ll make them stronger and tougher.”
“They have to learn to take it. They’ll get it like that in the real-world.”
Of course, everyone can have a bad day and be grumpy. But with Betty, it was everyday and it was relentless, hostile and mean-spirited.
The family had many reasons, excuses and justifications for why they allowed her to behave the way she did: “That was just the way Betty was and had always been. She’d probably been hurt a lot when she was little. She was probably jealous and couldn’t hold it in. If we say anything, it’ll only get worse and it’ll split the family into warring camps.”
I’ve seen many Betty’s of the world use the same reasons and excuses as justification on one side and, on the other side, many families use the same words to forgive bullies when they harass, taunt, abuse and verbally, emotionally and physically batter family members or people at work. Bullying spouses and teenagers, and toxic parents and adult children are masters at giving excuses and arguing forever.
Bullies want us to try to argue with their reasons, excuses and justifications. The more we argue, the more we’re engaged without their ever changing. If we make a good point, they’ll change the subject and give another excuse or cite a different time when they were right. They’ll never admit that they need to change; that’s how we know they’re bullies.
Or, if we challenge them, they’ll explode and make our lives miserable. And it’ll go on forever until we give up and simply accept the abuse. That’s how we know they’re bullies.
Or, if we challenge them, their feelings will be so hurt that they’ll withdraw into a very loud silent treatment. And it’ll go on forever until we give up, admit we were cruel, promise never to attack them again and simply accept the abuse. That’s how we know they’re bullies.
What can Jane do? Remember, all tactics have to be designed to fit our specific situations, what we want to accomplish and the limits of our comfort zones.
Jane once asked Betty not to say anything to Jane’s children; Betty was hurting them and Jane had told them take it because Betty was their aunt. But Betty hadn’t changed. Finally, Jane decided that she wasn’t going to expose herself and her family to any more of Betty’s abuse. She’d end the unrelenting negativity, harassment, criticism, blame, shame and guilt-trips.
Once again, she asked Betty to stop talking the way she did and to find nice things to say. She asked Betty to be nicer, kinder and more polite to family than she would be to strangers. But Betty didn’t stop.
She told Betty she wanted her to feel differently but if she couldn’t, she still wanted her to take charge of her tongue and to repress herself; being an abusive bully is worse than repressing herself. But Betty didn’t stop.
She told Betty that if the brutality continued, she wouldn’t come if Betty was present. That would cause a rift in the family and it would be Betty’s fault. Betty didn’t stop.
Jane told the family she’d decided that she’d never let bullies treat her and her family the way Betty did. She had to take charge of keeping them safe from people who polluted their emotional environment. She asked them to choose the behavior they’d support even if that meant they all told Betty to change or they’d stop inviting her. Jane reminded them of what Mr. Spock said, “Never sacrifice the many for the sake of the one.” But Betty didn’t stop.
Jane decided that behavior was more important than blood. More important than victimizing her children by subjecting them to their Aunt Betty’s viciousness, was setting a good example by protecting them from abuse. She didn’t want them to experience the anxiety, stress and discouragement that had accompanied visits with Betty. That meant they didn’t see Betty any more. That also meant they saw the rest of the family only on one-to-one occasions when Betty was not present.
Over the years, Jane saw that the rest of the family still made excuses for Betty’s behavior. Sometimes someone would argue with a specific statement or reason or excuse, but Betty would argue forever and not take back what she said or how she said it. They still looked for psychological reasons for why she acted that way, as if, if they knew why, they could say some magic words and Betty would be cured and become civil.
Over the years, the same conversations were replayed after extended family gathering except in Jane’s house. There, Jane and her family had a wonderful time; free from criticism, bullying and abuse; free from the endless re-hashing of Betty’s latest attacks.
Once Jane had cleared the abuse out of her family’s life, they were able to find friends they loved being with.
With expert coaching and consulting, we can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation. We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying. We can overcome childhood rules to give in to or argue with bullies’ excuses, reasons and justifications. We can become strong and skilled enough to stop bullies in their tracks – even if those bullies are blood relatives.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of adults getting over their early training and then stopping bullies. For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
Some control freaks at work are complete narcissists, others cover up major insecurities. We can make lists of possible reasons that led someone to be a controlling adult – for example, genetics, they grew up with control freaks, they had no control when they were kids, their control when they were kids saved them, control assuages their terror of the unknown, control helps them succeed, they really are smarter and more competent than the rest of us, they want to feel like they’re smarter and more competent than the rest of us, or the feeling of righteousness is intoxicating.
Of course even more reasons can be listed, but especially at work where our influence is small and temporary, our psychoanalysis of these abusive bullies rarely helps us change their behavior. In the workplace, we suffer from the symptoms of their behavior, not the causes.
The real question at work is not why they act the way they do, but how to stop them.
The obvious controllers harass us overtly; their arrogant, narcissistic, nit-picking personalities oppress us continually. Even if they don’t have power over us, they’ll be relentless. But at least we can recognize the source of our pain and we can focus on creating tactics that get them off our backs.
Their reasons, excuses and rules are quietly but firmly presented with better logic and more certainty than we can articulate. Our resistance seems petty, ludicrous and selfish.
In order to succeed at work, we need to take charge some of the time. Control freaks need to be in charge all the time over everything. They’d rather dominate than have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.
The reason I focus on the symptoms you need to deal with, instead of the psychological causes is that no presentation to the control-freak of why they use their controlling style/personality and no attempts to beg, bribe or assuage their fears ever changes their behavior. The beginning of all change for control freaks is when their controlling strategy no longer works.
No one strategy stops control freaks. The creation of a successful tactical plan depends on the people, the style of the controller, the situation and the power dynamics. But there are a few guidelines.
Since control freaks want to take over everything, don’t ever give ground. You’re trying to convince them never to try to control you, but instead to go control other people.
Don’t argue or debate what’s best. If you use their suggestions don’t ever acknowledge their guidance. If they know that you accepted their input, even if they made it in a suggestive way, that opening will encourage them to push your boundaries consistently and relentlessly. Go your own way and live with the consequences.
Shine a light on their bullying tactics and the damage it causes to productivity and teamwork. Never focus on your feelings.
Don’t get sucked into becoming their confident or therapist. Your narcissism in thinking that you can help them will be your downfall.
Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the control-freak might be right. If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.
Control freaks at home rarely change for any length of time. After their bullying is confronted, they may promise to do better, but their good behavior will last only for a while. They’ll revert or get sneakier about exerting their control. While you can bring continual pressure to bear on your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, parents or children, or friends, real change is in the bully’s hands. Change typically requires bullies to face the loss of what they value most. Do they value you and the children more, or will they cling to their personal style as their identity forever?
Jane was stuck in an internal war. Every time she made some progress toward goals she’d been pursuing for years – cleaned her house, did things on her to-do list, met people she’d wanted to, signed up for classes toward a better job, courageously risked being honest – she’d start beating herself up in ways she was familiar with since childhood.
A part of her would say, in an old, familiar voice, “Who do you think you are, you’ll never succeed, you’ll fall back into being a failure, you’re fat and ugly, you’re not good enough to stay on track, you’re weak at your core, you’ll never do the right thing, you’ll fail like you always do, no one likes you, no one will love you, you’ll be alone all your life.”
Then she’d isolate herself and start picking on herself physically. That’d only make things worse. She’d feel ashamed and guilty. “Maybe they’re right,” she’d think. “I’m not good enough. I’ll always be a mess. I’ll never change. I’ll never succeed.”
She’d become angry at her parents and all the people who’d taken advantage of her, at all the people who weren’t supportive now and finally at herself. And the cycle would continue; a little success leading to self-loathing and predictions of failure, followed by anger at everyone in her past and present, followed by more anger and self-loathing. After several wasted days, she’d get herself together to try once more, but the emotional and spiritual cost of each cycle was huge.
Self-bullying– negative self-talk, an internal war between the side of you that fights to do better and the side that seems to despise you, that’s full of self-loathing and self-abuse – can go on a whole lifetime. Of course, the effects can be devastating – anxiety and stress, discouragement and depression, loss of confidence and self-esteem, huge emotional swings that drive good people away and attract bullies and predators.
Perhaps the worst effect is a sense of desperation and panic, isolation and loneliness – it feels like this has been going on forever and doesn’t look like it will ever end; every failure feels like the end of the world; like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. You feel helpless and are sure that it’s hopeless.
This is not a war between the left and right sides of our brains. This is usually not our being taken over by an evil spirit that needs exorcised psychologically.
This is usually a battle between two sides of us that split apart because of terrible, overwhelming pressure when we were kids. Back then, we didn’t know how to cope with the horror so we split into two strategies that have been battling with childlike intensity and devotion ever since.
On the one hand, we fight to feel inspired and centered and to do our best; to be courageous and bold and fierce; to try hard, be joyous and hope for success. On the other hand, we fight to make us docile and not try to rise above our meager lot in life, to accept what they tell us and give up struggling against them so they’ll let us survive, to motivate ourselves by whipping ourselves so we’ll make enough effort and do the right things, and maybe then they’ll give us something in return and we’ll have those feelings of peace and joy.
Both voices want us to survive and to feel centered, peaceful and filled with joy. Each takes an opposite path to get there. Instead of a psychological exorcism, we need an internal reconciliation and a release from old battles with our external oppressors and between our internal, battling voices.
The inner goal is clear: We’ll be whole and unified, both sides will be working together toward the same end (http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35): the different possibilities for action will be presented to us in the encouraging voices of coaches; we’ll be inspired and motivated by encouragement, not whipping: we’ll have an adult sense of our strength and capability; we’ll feel like we can cope successfully without tight control over everything and we’ll act in a timely manner; situations won’t put us into a panic; mistakes won’t be a portent of doom.
For example, Jane finally made internal peace. Her warring sides accepted that they had the same outcome – making a good life for her, filling her with the joy she’d always wanted to feel. They realized that neither side could defeat the other; their only hope was to work together using adult strategies of motivating her to take actions that would help her succeed. They saw that her situation now, in middle age, was very different from when she was a helpless child and had to depend on parents who seemed to despise her character, personality and style.
In order to end the external war, she moved far away from her birth family and cut off contact. She started a new life. She knew she’d have to bear unbearable loneliness until she made friends and loves worth having. It wasn’t easy but she did it. You can too.
More important than distracting questions and considerations about how much they do it, why they do it or do they do it more or differently than men, are:
Do you recognize the early warning signs of bullies?
Do you know how to stop them skillfully?
Women often say that other women aren’t as overt about bullying; they’re more likely to be stealth bullies. Some use tactics that are sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing; some form cliques and start rumors or demeaning put-downs; some pretend to be friends and bad mouth you behind your back; some are negative, whining, complaining “professional victims;” some are passive-aggressive. And some can be nit-picking, control-freaks just as much as men.
How about Meryl Streep and other unsavory characters in “The Devil Wears Prada?”
Some are splinters, rotten apples and cancers – at all levels in your organization. Just like men who bully.
If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
When women and men learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, we develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. We need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they face – men or women.
Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies. I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.
In her article in the Wall Street Journal, “When women derail other women in the office,” Rachel Emma Silverman comments on Peggy Klaus’ article in the New York Times, “A Sisterhood of Workplace Infighting.”
Both discuss an estimate that female office bullies who commit verbal abuse, sabotage performance or hurt relationships, aim at other women more than 70% of the time. Both discuss the psychological reasons why women hurt other women and why they don’t protect them.
More important than distracting questions and considerations about how much they do it, why they do it or do they do it more or differently than men, are:
Do you recognize the early warning signs of bullies?
Do you know how to stop them skillfully?
Women often say that other women aren’t as overt about bullying; they’re more likely to be covert, stealth bullies. Some of the common tactics and perpetrators are:
If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.
When women and men learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, we develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill. We need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies we face – men or women.
Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.
Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies. I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.
