How can you stop school bullies by forcing reluctant, do-nothing principals to protect your children?  That’s a skill many parents must learn. First, bullies are always 100% at fault and that never decreases.  Kids who act as spectators or cheerleaders, and kids who pile on also are at fault on their own.  There’s more than 100% to go around.

The worst are the adults who are responsible for stopping bullying; for creating bully-free schools, but who don’t.  Let’s focus on reluctant, do-nothing principals who tolerate bullying at their schools.

Some principals won’t tolerate bullying, but many principals won’t act strongly and effectively.

Five signs of these do-nothing principals are:

  1. They don’t have a school-wide program, including kids and parents, to stop bullies.  There’s no training for teachers, administrators, janitors or bus drivers to recognize the early warning signs of overt and covert bullies; of verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying.
  2. Even though every kid in the school knows who the bullies are and where and when it happens, do-nothing principals make no effort to monitor areas of the school where most bullying occurs.  They plead ignorance and expect you, the parents who are off-site, to provide the proof for them.
  3. They think the best way to stop bullying is through forgiveness, sympathy, compassion, understanding, education and compromise with bullies.  They focus on the reasons bullies bully instead of simply stopping them.  They think that doing some process counts.  But only the results count – stopping bullies.
  4. Do-nothing principals blame the target – your child.  They assume your kids must have done something wrong to antagonize the bully.  They don’t keep your kid’s complaint confidential.  Reluctant principals have great sympathy for how hard the bully’s life is and little sympathy for your child, who is the target of harassment and abuse.  Some can’t figure out how to stop a relentless bully so they’d rather look the other way.
  5. To keep you in the dark, they plead confidentiality.  Or they ask you to trust them while they handle the situation, but you see that the bullying doesn’t stop.

In these schools, bullying is never one incident; it’s a pattern.  Relentless bullies know who has the power and what they can get away with.

Learn how to force reluctant principals to act. These do-nothing principals are afraid of two things:

  1. Publicity.
  2. Legal action.

Do-nothing principals don’t want to be involved with something that can get messy for them.  Often, they’re afraid of the bullying parents of the bullying kids.  You must change that.  Since do-nothing principals won’t do what’s right on their own, you must make them more afraid of you.

Four things you can do to make sure your children are protected are:

  1. Before there are any incidents, even before school starts, organize a few like-minded parents and start lobbying for a school-wide program including kids and parents.  Get media coverage.  Make sure there are legal rules and a legal process.
  2. If bullying begins, talk to the principal and staff.  Listen carefully for excuses, rationalizations, confessions of ignorance, discussions of what constitutes legal evidence – these are bad signs.  Record the conversation.  Send to everyone a follow up email listing all the points and promises made.
  3. Give the principal (and counselors and teachers) one chance to stop the bullying – maybe a week or two.  Are bullies removed?  Does cyberbullying stop?  Or is your child picked on even more?
  4. If bullying continues, see an expert lawyer, get an expert coach and start making waves.  Contact parents of other kids who are bullied.  Get evidence.  Contact District Administrators.  Contact police.  Get publicity from local radio and TV stations.  File a law suit.  Be prepared for a long, ugly fight.  Document, Document!

Don’t be sweet and weak; be firm.  Be courageous, determined and relentless.  Silence, appeasement, wishful thinking and the Golden Rule don’t stop real-world bullies.

Be effective.  Teach your children how not to be victims.  Your children’s mental, emotional and physical well-being is at stake.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Should kids ever fight physically in order to stop relentless school bullies? I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, all the men say that bullies were stopped when someone beat them up.  More important, beating up a bully changed the target’s life.  The targets now felt that they could succeed in the world – they developed courage, confidence and high self-esteem.

Nevertheless, many well-meaning parents tell their kids never to fight.

They say that:

  • Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
  • Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  We have it easy so we should rise above the bullies.
  • If we’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, the bullies will respond by being nice in return.
  • We should never push back – verbally or physically.  If we push back, it means we don’t care.
  • Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  Mahatma Gandhi stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

Let’s not even argue with those false statements.  If you watch the video about how being nice and caring doesn’t stop bullies, you’ll hear arguments disproving these statements.

Instead, let’s look at what bullies show us about what it takes to stop them.

Imagine a staircase going up.  The harder the bully pushes on us, the higher up the staircase we have to go in order to stop them.

At the lowest steps we do nice, peaceful things to try to get bullies to stop.  We ignore the bullying, we try to laugh it off, we make jokes to try to be friends with the bullies, we say how much it hurts, we ask them to stop or we try to rise above the hurt – that kind of thing.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  We’ve learned two things:

  1. Some peaceful techniques that might work with some people who are bullying.
  2. The bully was not a relentless bully.  The bully was a nice kid having a bad day.

But if the bullying does not stop, the bully is showing us that we have to be more firm in order to get that kid to stop.

So we go up to the next steps and push back verbally, and we learn how to do that skillfully.  Sometimes that works.  Bullies often respect other kids who show they’re not afraid and who have clever tongues.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  And, again, we’ve learned that the other kid was not a relentless bully.

Relentless bullies and determined boundary pushers are not stopped by these peaceful methods.  If we suffer in silence, if we whine, or if we advertise that we’re afraid, bullies think we’re victims waiting to be bullied.  If we’re kind, bullies think we are weak.  They’ll continue harassing and abusing us.

Now we have to go further up the staircase.  At this point targets might talk to school officials they trust to protect and defend them.  And they might get their parents involved.  And they need to remind their parents to get experienced, expert coaching.

If principals, teachers and parents still don’t stop the bullying, the relentless bullies are telling their targets that they’re going to have to fight back.  We’re close to the top of the staircase now.  Basically, we have to beat up the bully really badly – the quicker, nastier and harder the better.

Parents, you should have made sure your kid knows how to fight.  This goes for girls as well as boys.

A lot depends on the situation.  Is it one against one between kids who are the same size?  Is it one against a gang?  Fighting in elementary school can be just fists, but as the kids get older it will probably involve weapons.  There are many situations in which discretion is the better part of valor and the thing to do is to endure until we can get out of a rotten school or neighborhood, or away from a sociopath.

I strongly recommend three things:

  1. Don’t be a victim.  You may be a target but you’re in charge of your response as you judge the situation.  Keep a fire of courage and strength burning in your heart.
  2. Be willing to fight to protect and defend yourself.  Decide whether warning the bully might end the bullying or whether a surprise attack is your best option.
  3. Learn how to fight effectively.  Notice, I did not say, “cleanly.”

What if you get suspended for fighting?  It’s worth getting suspended if you’ve stopped the bullying.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

I speak this way because I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid who grew up in a tough, inner city ghetto.  I learned by observation and experience, not by philosophy or wishful thinking.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Do you think it’s normal for tweens and teens to be sarcastic toward their parents?  You know: the non-verbal hostility and sarcasm of eye-rolling, snorting, laughing.  You know: the openly sarcastic remarks, put-downs and talking back directly to us or in front of us while they’re talking to their friends. I think it’s normal for people to try to discover what works easiest for themselves: to think their opinions matter, to think that they’re entitled to express themselves in any way they feel like at the moment, to try to assert themselves and to push boundaries in order to gain control and power.

What’s not normal is for parents to allow their children to treat them that way.

Some typical reasons why parents don’t insist on better treatment:

  • Parents complain that it’s hard to resist the bad influences of tween and teen television, movies and internet shows, and the bad influences of their friends.  Yes, that stuff is out there.  Yes, we have to put out more effort to counterbalance bad influences.  Don’t wallow in analysis of those factors.  So, it’s hard?  We can’t wait for society to make things easy for us.  Who said parenting would be easy?  We must act as soon as we can to teach our children to see what’s wrong with the media and the behavior of some of their peers.
  • Many parents are afraid their children won’t like them if they’re “strict.”  As if being liked is more important than setting boundaries and high standards.  We do know that our children will understand a lot better when they have teenagers of their own.  Of course, there’s a balance.  I’m not talking about beating or abusing our kids.
  • Many parents think that it’s very important to be best friends their kids.  As if their kids will reveal more secrets to them or that kids will be helped to adjust better when they’re friends with their parents.  I even saw an official name for that style of parenting, “Peerenting.”  What nonsense.  If your children know as much as you, you don’t know enough.  They may be technically more savvy, but they’re still kids and we’re still parents.  They don’t know more about what constitutes good character, attitudes and values.  They don’t know more about the effects sarcasm and nastiness will have on their careers or families when they grow up.  We must teach them.
  • Many parents do not believe in punishing their children.  They think their children will grow out of all bad behaviors by themselves.  As if denying children what they want or thwarting their self-expression will create psychological problems for them later.  As if, when they become 21 or get married or have children, those kids will suddenly become polite, civil and responsible citizens who love their permissive parents.
  • Many parents believe they shouldn’t set standards.  They believe that kids should determine their own standards as they grow up.  I think we are teachers.  We teach them a set of standards that we think is right.  When they grow up they can decide what parts of ours they want to keep and what other ideas they want to try out.

One of the most important lessons we can teach and model for our tweens and teens is that we determine what behavior we’ll allow in our personal space.  We must not allow harassment, bullying and abuse in our personal space.  Since tweens and teens are still dependent on living with us, we can’t simply remove them from our space, as we would any adult who attacks us, no matter what the relationship is.  Therefore we must require that they treat us well.  That’s the first price they pay for anything they want from us beyond food and shelter.

Do not show them that we give into bullies.  They’ll believe what we show them, not what we ask, beg, bribe, threaten and yell at them to do.

In addition to developing the will, determination, courage and strength to set standards of behavior, we need to learn skills.

Some effective parental responses to smart-mouthed kids, all delivered with good cheer and smiles and a matter-of-fact firmness, are:

  • Take charge of the TV and internet.  Allow them to watch only certain shows or internet sites.  Sometimes, watch with them.  Teach them to resist bad influences they see.
  • The kids will say, “All the other kids act that way.  I’m just trying to fit in”  We can say, “If the other kids told you to murder someone or commit suicide, would you?  We don’t do what jerks or losers do.  We’re better.  We (last name) set higher standards.
  • They’ll say, “You’re just forcing me; you’re just blackmailing me.”  Answer, “Yes.  Of course I am.  I’m showing you how much I care about teaching you good behavior and what behavior I allow in my personal space.  I’m showing you that good behavior is so important I’m willing to make you unhappy.  Usually I try to make you happy.  There’s a price you pay for getting what you want from me.”
  • They’ll say, “I can say what I want.  It’s free speech.”  Answer, “Actually, there’s a lot that we as a society have decided you cannot say, like joking about carrying a bomb on an airplane or insisting you can play ‘Words With Friends.’”  Answer, “What you’re really arguing is that there should be no consequences for your being nasty; that no one should get upset when you’re a jerk.  I’m saying that there are consequences for expressing yourself any way you want.  People might not like you; people might not want to do nice things for you.”
  • Some other ideas to share with them
  • Treat the people you’re closest to, the nicest.  You know you have to be polite with strangers, teachers and cops.  Be even nicer to your parents.
  • If kids are left to create their own society, without wise adult input, you get “Lord of the Flies.”  Read it.  Would you like to be the target of those tweens expressing the worst of themselves?
  • No matter what we do, our kids will grow up disliking something about the way we raised them.  So what?  Say, “Do differently when you’re a parent.  Be prepared to be shocked when your kids protest about you even though you think you’re a wonderful parent.”

Even if they’re better debaters, require the behavior you want.  You don’t have to convince them you’re right or to get their permission or acceptance for your standards before you demand compliance.

Signs that you have a real problem child. It's a bad sign when children fight to the death to resist reasonable rules of polite, civil behavior.  Civility requires some effort compared to selfish, spoiled behavior and childish temper tantrums to get their way.  Therefore, I expect kids to push back at first.  Tell them that this battle is a waste of their precious time.  Encourage them to put their energy into struggling to succeed in school, to develop good friends, to prepare themselves with skills for being effective adults living a wonderful life.  If they still focus on fighting us, they have a real problem

What if you get no support from a bullying spouse? Again, this simply adds to the degree of difficulty.  Two very bad situations are if your spouse actively encourages and participates in abusing you, or if, for example, your extended family culture supports male children in abusing females.  Stand strong and openly set high standards.  If they won’t change, you may have to get rid of them.

What if you’re just beginning to set standards now that they’re teens? Of course, it’s always easier to start when they’re young.  If you let them get away with mistreating you when they’re five, you’re setting yourself up for a very big problem when they’re fifteen.  If you’ve let an older child grow up to be a rotten teen, don’t hesitate to learn from your mistakes with the younger children.  You can be open and honest, “I was wrong when I allowed your older brother or sister to act rotten.  I’m sorry I let them grow up spoiled, selfish and arrogant.  But I’ve learned and I’m doing better for you.  I know it may seem harder on you, but you’ll be much better for it.”

Prepare your children for being adults in a world where bosses and spouses won’t be permissive and all-forgiving.  They will require high standards of behavior.  They won’t plead with you and negotiate forever and neither should will I.

If your children have already become teenagers who think they’re entitled to do what they want, set boundaries immediately, as long as they’re under your roof.  And then demand good behavior toward you when they move out on their own.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Suppose your toxic parents want you to forgive them for the way they treated you years ago.  They sound sincere and they say that they need you to nurse them now that their health is failing.  They don’t have enough money to live well so you should support them like they once supported you.  Also, they need your help to deal with a health-care bureaucracy they don’t understand. Can you forgive them and do what they want?

Forgiveness is a loaded word. To most people, especially toxic ones, forgiveness means not only you opening your heart to them, but also you giving them what they want.  At the very least it means increased relationship and, usually, endless arguing and debating, endless servitude.

But, suppose also that, trying to help them, you’ve bounced between anger and feeling guilty.  Suppose that the last ten times you’ve forgiven them and tried to be a dutiful child, you’ve gotten entangled in painful interactions.  Every time you get close, they try to control you and you feel angry again.  They don’t listen to your needs; they think their need to have you help them is more important than your values of independence and freedom.

Forgive them and move far away – physically, mentally and emotionally. What I mean by that is:

  1. Forgive them, have compassion for their struggles, and also stop thinking about them – about 2 minutes a week might be okay.  Forgiveness means that you don’t replay all the old incidents; you don’t get angry; you don’t try to justify yourself in your eyes or theirs; they occupy very little of your mental and emotional space.
  2. Get far away physically so there are no more incidents that will trigger you again.  End contact by telephone, email, social networks.
  3. Test the relatives and acquaintances.  Who begs you to relieve them of the burden of taking care of your needy parents?  Who tries to twist your arm so that you take care of those toxic parents?  Who tries to convince you that you still owe those toxic bullies loyalty and duty?
  4. You don’t have to confront your toxic parents.  You can simply tell them the way it is for you – calmly, firmly; no debates, no arguments, no justifications, no asking for their approval or permission.  Don’t waste your time in further confrontations.
  5. When they pursue you, keep your distance.  Don’t engage.  Of course they won’t respect your desires and boundaries.  They’ve always known what’s right.  Disappear again.

Think of your personal space as a target with a bull’s eye and many concentric circles going out from the center.  The more toxic people are, the further away from the center of your life you move them.  Every time someone pollutes your environment, for whatever reason, move them at least one circle further away from you; or more if they did something you particularly don’t like.

If someone apologizes, do not move them closer.  Watch their behavior.  How long before they revert to the old harassment, bullying or abuse?  Keep moving them further away.

What if they don’t want you to forgive them?  They just want you to forget what happened and do what they want and need now.

What if they’re angry at you for what they claim you did?  What if they want you to apologize to them before they’ll forgive you?

In what circle do you want to put your toxic parents? You’re in charge of your personal space.  “Because I want to” is more than sufficient reason for placing them in any particular circle and moving them closer or further away.  At what circle do you drop them off your map?

I’d also take the same approach with toxic friends, extended family and adult children.

It’s your life; take charge of it.  Be the hero of your life.

Many situations are examined in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Carl loved his 45 year-old son, Brian, and was overwhelmed with feelings of compassion for his son’s plight.  Brian could never hold a job.  Also, any time Carl or his wife, Vickie, didn’t do exactly what Brian wanted or didn’t give him what he wanted, Brian would throw a fit – he’d yell and scream and curse them, even in front of his own wife and children, or in public.  Many times, Brian would suddenly turn on his own long-suffering wife and children in the same way. How could Carl love his son and have compassion for him, and still protect himself and his wife from Brian’s harassment and bullying?

Everything I say about this family situation is the same I’d say to people trying to have both compassion and protection when dealing with abusive and suffering:

  • Parents.
  • Friends.
  • Extended family.
  • Co-workers.
  • Drunk drivers.
  • Strangers in public places.

The tactics we choose would depend on the specifics of the situation, but our attitude and general direction would be the same.

For decades, Carl had bit his tongue as best he could and had asked Vickie to do the same.  His heart went out to Brian because of his suffering.  Brian’s mother had died when he was 9 years old and two years later Carl had married again.  His new wife, Vickie, had done her best to take care of Brian and she did love the boy.  But no matter how she tried, Brian hated her and made her pay.

Out of compassion for Brian’s struggles, Carl had given Brian hundreds of thousands of dollars and also had bought many things for Brian’s children.  But it never seemed to be enough for Brian.

Brian denied that he needed any help.  He thought he was fine the way he was and he had good reasons every time he exploded.  It was everyone else’s fault that he lost his temper, and they deserved what he said or did to them.

He told Carl clearly that if Carl didn’t do what he wanted and didn’t endure the attacks, Brian wouldn’t allow Carl to see his grandchildren.  There it was; not only attacks but also blackmail.

Carl was stuck.  His compassion didn’t allow him to set any limits.  All he’d allow himself to do was to beg Brian to change.

Separate from the blackmail, Carl suffered from a common misunderstanding about compassion.  He thought compassion meant that he had to give Brian what he wanted and to keep giving and to take the abuse in hope that, someday, his love and forbearance would cause Brian to have an awakening and become a grateful, appreciative, civil and polite person.

Carl also thought that if he acknowledged his anger and dislike of Brian, or really did anything serious, that would mean that he’d given up on his son.  Also, it would be wrong to try to force Brian to do anything against his will.

After coaching, Carl decided that there were two distinct and separate scales he had to operate on in order to protect himself and his wife from Brian, and to preserve their retirement funds that Brian wanted to get his hands on.

On one scale, he could love Brian and have infinite compassion for his suffering, even though it was self induced.  And Tom could always pray for Brian’s spirit to take charge of his life.

On the other scale Carl could see that he had to deal, not with Brian’s spirit, but with Brian’s personality – his weakness, selfishness, arrogance, need, sense of entitlement, anger and narcissism.  Against Brian’s personality, Carl had to protect himself.  Out of compassion, he’d do that calmly, lovingly and clearly.

So what did Carl do?

  • He and Vickie decided to tell Brian that they wouldn’t take the abuse any more.  They were going to create an Isle of Song for the rest of their lives.  Good behavior was required from anyone to get on that Isle; blood wouldn’t count.
  • They knew they’d said that before, but they’d always given in and had pretended that the bullying had never happened.  They knew also that Brian counted on that.
  • The next time Brian exploded at them in front of his 11 and 13 year-old children, Carl said publically that they weren’t going to put up with that behavior any more.  They weren’t going to see Brian.  They’d love to see the kids but Brian probably wouldn’t allow that.  They wanted the kids to know who was responsible for the breach.
  • Carl told Brian they were taking a break from involvement with him for at least six months.  He’d have to make it on is own.  After then, if he wanted to resume contact he’d have to call and apologize and promise never to act that way again.  He’d especially have to apologize to Vickie.  Carl was going to protect his wife against all comers, even his son.
  • Even after that time, they were going to continue to withhold money because they wanted interactions to be based on fun, not need or greed.

This time Carl and Vickie kept to their bargain with each other.  They said they were able to stay on track because they still allowed themselves to feel compassion toward Brian, and especially his wife and kids, but they weren’t going to rescue Brian from the effects of his behavior.  Also, they saw that the most compassionate thing they could do for Brian was to demand good behavior and maintain their boundaries.  Their new vision would determine what they did, not some old, out-of-date feelings and assumptions.

My experience has been that the Brian’s of the world never learn by being coddled.  The only chance they have to learn is by being kicked out of the nest and letting the world, not their parents, teach them the natural consequences of their obnoxious behavior.  That doesn’t always work, but it’s the only chance.

Some other situations are examined in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

We seem to focus on the wrong questions; the “why” questions.  And even worse, the questions that analyze generalized, abstract reasons for why mostpeople or why our society does something. One of the latest in the long list of articles about how to be better parents – by being a Tiger Mom or a French Mom – is by Elizabeth Kolbert in the New Yorker, “Why are American Kids So Spoiled?”

Of course Kolbert gives examples of permissive American parents that raise nasty, narcissistic, self-indulgent, entitled, spoiled brats who harass, abuse and bully their parents.  And then we can analyze why we parents raise them that way, and the plusses and minuses of raising kids permissively; or not expecting anything until they’ve understood the advantages of the behavior we want and they’re willing to put forth the effort to give it.  And then we wring our hands at adults we see who are aging but still spoiled brats.  And then we feel overwhelmed and helpless because we think our society is going downhill.

Ah, the false assumption that if we can figure out, objectively and dispassionately, what’s wrong, we can reason our way to the correct plan that will work for all reasonable people.

I think that the question of “Why are American kids so spoiled?” is the wrong question and that pseudo-scientific analysis is the wrong approach to this area of what we ask or demand of our children.  In addition, the analytical approach is endless and hasn’t produced answers in more than 60 years.

A better question is about what behavior each of us wants to demand from our kids and grandkids in a real, specific moment. Every moment, we’re training our kids about what behavior is acceptable and what the consequences will be for falling below our standards of behavior – whether that’s disapproval, removal, or something else.

Training is more important than explaining.

Notice:

  1. My question is about specific individuals, situations and moments in time – what do we want to say and do with our kids at that moment?  It’s not a “why” question.  It’s a "what" question focused on the present and future, not on the past.
  2. What reasons do we want to give to our kids for our standards and demands, when don’t we want give reasons in the moment, and when is their compliance expected whether or not they understand or agree with our reasons?
  3. What immediate rewards and consequences do we want to have for their behavior?

As opposed to the misbehaving kids, who we’ve all seen, in Kolbert’s examples, I’ve seen many young kids behaving wonderfully in public – toward their parents as well as toward non-family members.  Their parents have trained these kids and demanded good behavior from them, and the kids have accepted the standards.

We can usually get civil, polite, helpful behavior from our children and grandchildren if we’re willing to do the training.

We do know what we want and we don’t need the latest research studies to justify it.  Also, we don’t need to spend our children’s whole childhood analyzing what’s right or begging them to act decently.

Of course, I coach parents to prepare their kids to be wonderful in the real-world.

It had been a wonderful 9 months for Jane and her husband.  Their youngest child went off to college and they had the house and their lives to themselves.  No more picking up after the kids, waiting on them, cleaning up the bathrooms after them, helping them through their emergencies.  They got over the initial shock of having an empty nest.  They felt free and spontaneous again.  Their chores were light. Then their son moved back in for the summer.  And it was like having a 200-pound-baby thrashing about in their nest.  He was a good kid, had done well his freshman year and they did love him.  But it was a royal pain taking care of him again.

What could they do?

They tried the usual ways of asking, lecturing, berating and arguing, but he continued acting the way he had before he’d left.  He seemed to think he was an entitled prince.  This was his vacation and he wanted to do only what he wanted to do.  When they wanted him to do more, he tried to beat them into submission with angry temper tantrums or to manipulate them to back off by using blame and guilt.

Jane and her husband realized they were making no progress.  They had training him to expect to do nothing and get away with being surly.  Asking without consequences was just begging.  Appeasing him didn’t buy them the civil, polite behavior they wanted.

They didn’t want to throw him out; how could he support himself?  Or would he start hanging out with bad company?

They finally told him that since he was no longer a little baby and since he wanted all the rights and privileges of a responsible adult, he was now a guest in their home.

  1. As a guest he had certain responsibilities, like treating their stuff the way they wanted (not the way he felt like), picking up after himself and asking permission to use their things.  They knew that he would act like a good guest if he was staying at a friend's or even an aunt or uncle’s house.  They loved him and he was doing well at school and seemed to be on his way to making an independent life for himself and they expected him to act like a good guest.
  2. They said they wouldn’t accept being treated like victims, servants or slaves, cleaning up after their master.  They wanted an adult relationship with an adult they might like being with.  If he wanted something from them like room and board, loan of a car or college tuition, he had to pay for what he got by being fun, polite and civil.  He also had to get a job so he wouldn’t be hanging around all day.  That’s what adults do.
  3. They said that in his absence, they had created an “Isle of Song” for themselves.  No toxic polluters allowed.  Anyone who wanted to get on that isle had to add to the music and dance.  Was he willing?  They knew he could because he acted great around everyone else.

Of course be blew up and tried anger (how could they treat him that way) and guilt (didn’t they love him any more?) to continue to get his lazy, selfish, narcissistic, self-indulgent way.

Even though they suddenly saw him as a bully, they laughed good-naturedly and applauded his efforts to get what he wanted from them.  Literally applauded.  And then they graded his tantrums: was that a 9.2 or a 6.5?

They told him that he had ‘til Friday to find a place with a friend.  They were converting his room into the exercise room they’d always wanted.  They told him they were going to buy boxes to pack up all his stuff stored in the garage.  And then they went out for coffee and left him alone.

When they returned, their son apologized.  He could see they were serious and he’d be a great guest.  They had previously agreed to act sad if he said this, and to pretend hat they’d really wanted the exercise room.

They’d also agreed with each other previously to take him back provisionally on a weekly basis.  They’d provide a list of chores and met weekly to review performance.  But cheerful, gracious and polite behavior was graded at every interaction.  Harassment, bullying or verbal abuse were not tolerated.

Summer with him became fun; except when his older sister came home for two weeks.  But that’s a different story.

Some variants:

  1. A grown child who is independent but has to move back suddenly because he lost his job or just got divorced.  It’s only for a short time while he gets back on his feet and moves out again.
  2. A grown child who’s life is a mess and needs to move home because she can’t make it on her own.  She hates you and blames all her problems on you.  And you’re afraid she’ll move in permanently.

Sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies try to force us into difficult, all-or-none choices.  They figure we won’t make the hard choice; we’ll choose them instead.  Don’t accept the choices they present to us. Don’t give them control of how to look at things. For example: Tim’s first wife had died 20 years ago and he’d been happily married to Jennifer for 15 years.  She’d tried to be a good step-mother to Tim’s daughter and son, despite hatred and intense provocation, especially from Tim’s daughter, Coral.

Coral was now 28.  She’d harassed, abused and bullied Jennifer all during her upbringing.  Two years ago she’d even slapped Jennifer in the face.  Coral’s excuse was always that she was still suffering because her mother had died, because Jennifer didn’t give her everything she wanted and because it was Tim’s fault that he wouldn’t defend her.

Actually, Tim had been riddled with guilt and, although he’d pleaded with Coral to be nicer to Jennifer and to himself, he’d never enforced any consequences that mattered to Coral.  In fact, he’d trained Coral to believe that if she was nasty and negative, and threw temper tantrums long enough, he’d relent and give her what she wanted.

Jennifer had always felt like a second-class citizen, lower on Tim’s priority list than Coral.  Tim always excused Coral by saying that she was young and still suffering from her mother’s early death.  He excused his tolerating Coral’s behavior, his not protecting Jennifer by saying that eventually, if he loved and forgave Coral enough, she’d come around.  He didn’t want Coral to feel unloved.

Jennifer thought Tim simply avoided conflict with his daughter because she’d never be reasonable, apologize or compromise.  He gave Coral control because Jennifer was reasonable and understanding, so he could more easily ask her to give in.

Finally Coral had the leverage she wanted.  She gave birth to Tim’s only grandchild.  Then she laid down the law.  He’d have to choose: either her and his grandson or his wife.  If he chose Jennifer, he’d never see his grandson and Coral would bad-mouth him to everyone.  She’d also turn his grandson against him.

There are many other examples in which bullies below the radar try to force these difficult choices on us:

  • New husbands or wives who try to force spouses into choosing between them or the kids from a previous marriage.  It’s especially difficult on the parents if the biological kids are going through a troubled time and spreading their unhappiness around.
  • Toxic parents who want us to choose between them or our spouse.

In all these examples, a bully presents us with a difficult choice: them or someone else we love.  In all these examples, we know the truth we’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging: someone we love is bullying us.  They’re trying to beat us into submission in order to get what they want.  We also know the difficult truth: if we give in to this blackmail, it’ll never end and the price will keep increasing.

So what can we do?

In all these examples, the same process opens the door to the rich and grand future we yearn for:

  1. Accept that we’ll never get what we want if we give in to blackmail. Accept that the blackmailer wants to control our lives – they want to tell us what’s right and what we must do; or else.  Accept that we’ll never change these narcissistic predators by begging, bribery, peace-making, the Golden Rule or unconditional love.  Tim had to accept that although he loved his daughter, he didn’t like her and he dreaded any interaction with her.
  2. Decide what behavior we must have and what we will tolerate in our personal space. Forget about the name of the relationship and focus on the behavior. Set high standards for how people have to behave in order to be invited into our space.  What values are more important than which others?  What’s the life we want to live, given the givens that other people try to force on us?
  3. See the choice for what it really is.  Tim finally saw that the choice was not between his daughter or his wife; it was between being beaten and controlled by his daughter or his life. In order to have the life he yearned for, he had to choose to be a person worthy of that life.  He had to have the courage of his deepest desires.
  4. Protect our personal environment from pollution, even by those we love.  That meant that Tim had to act with courage and determination to defend his personal space from any toxic polluter, even from his daughter and from the weakest, most needy, most cowardly part of him.

By choosing the life he wanted, which he shared with Jennifer, Tim chose the possibility of a wonderful life.  He and Jennifer started doing things they’d always wanted to.  They stopped wasting their time thinking about Coral.  Tim stopped being depressed and riddled with shame and guilt.  They started being happy.

But what about Tim’s broken heart because he couldn’t see his grandson? There’s no way around that.  Tim’s daughter was adamant: she wouldn’t let him see his grandson.  However, we must remember that we can never appease predators and vampires.

But eventually, Coral and her husband divorced and her husband, who had finally seen how Coral operated but was no longer afraid of her, let Tim and Jennifer bond with his grandson.  Eventually Coral needed money and Tim had to decide if he wanted to put her on a pay-for-play plan.  Should he give her a little money each time he and Jennifer saw his grandson?

For some examples of different tactics, see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

The second edition of “Bullies Below the Radar: Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” documents the personal journey to courage, strength, determination and skill of Grace, a wife and mother, who finally accepted that she was being controlled and bullied by a stealthy, sneaky manipulative husband. Grace finally accepted that for years:

  • She’d lived in a frustrating, hostile marriage, full of drudgery and pain.
  • Even though she hadn’t been physically abused or beaten, she’d been worn down and controlled by serving her husband and by arguing that hadn’t improved the relationship.
  • She’d suffered watching herself and her children get harassed, manipulated, controlled and bullied.
  • Her love, understanding, sweetness and kindness had not changed him.
  • His numerous apologies simply kept her coming back, but he won’t change.

Grace discovered that she couldn’t make things better by being a peacemaker.  Tactics like begging, bribery, understanding, endless praise, appeasement, politeness, ‘second chances,’ forgiveness, sympathy and unconditional love, and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  We won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are most important to us.

She stopped wallowing in negative self-talk, perfectionism, blame, shame and guilt, which had led her to get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.  She’d lost her confidence and self-esteem.

On her journey to taking power, effectively setting boundaries and voting her narcissistic husband off her “Isle of Song,” she learned:

  • To recognize the seven warning signs of bullies below the radar, including sneaky patterns of bullying behavior, and the mental, emotional and spiritual costs accepting bullying.
  • To go beyond magical thinking to overcome the six most common objections to standing up to bullies.
  • To stop using the nine common strategies that fail to stop bullies.
  • What to do if at first she didn’t succeed.
  • The seven success strategies that will be effective in any bullying situation.
  • A seven-step process to plan tactics that will be effective in any particular situation.
  • How to protect her personal ecology and create a bully-free future.

Applying these real-world techniques, she got strong, courageous, determined, persevering and flexible in order to stop bullies of all types – controllers, critics, exploders, pushy perfectionists, prying questioners, emotional intimidators, smiling manipulators, relentless arguers and more

Grace learned that, “History is not destiny.”  Using the step-by-step instructions presented here, Grace changed her mind-set and built her courage, character and skill.

My advice: Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to grow up or change.  Don’t accept bullies’ reasons, justifications and excuses.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”

For some examples of different tactics, also see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

We want to be people of our words; we want to be ethical and honest, and have trustworthy character; we want to do our duty.  But sometimes our loyalty to our vows – especially our marriage vows and vows to take care of parents or children – makes our lives a living hell and also sets a terrible example for our children. Deep in our hearts we know we must stop being loyal to those vows or our lives and spirits will be destroyed. But how can we stop honoring our vows?

Some examples:

Some examples:

  • In public we pledge many things in our marriage vows. But suppose our spouse turns out to have deceived us and reneges on their side of the vows?  Suppose that husband turns out to be physically, mentally and emotionally abusive?  Suppose he harasses, controls, bullies or abuses his wife?  Supposes he justifies his actions by saying that he’s the head of the house and she must do what he says?  Or suppose he blames his lack of self-control on her and uses threats, guilt and shame – his rage and violence are her fault and if she did what she should, he’d treat her better?  Or suppose that wife turns out to be manipulative and controlling?  Or supposes she’s lying, crazy and always verbally, emotionally and physically abusive in order to beat the husband into submission?
  • In private we may pledge many things to our parents, especially as they get older. But suppose they’re narcissistic, demanding, bullying and toxic.  Suppose they squander all their money against our advice and then they insist we spend all our money on them – either taking care of them or sending them to an expensive, assisted living facility?  Suppose they are relentlessly critical, scolding, chastising, whining, complaining and demeaning, and nothing we do is ever good enough?  Suppose they are vicious in private but sweet as sugar in public, so every thinks they’re saints while they act like devils in private?  Suppose they’re lying, manipulative and back stabbing – they praise their favorite child, put us down and leave everything to the favorite while we’re the ones taking care of them?  Suppose we think we’re responsible because they raised us, we think we owe them and we still want their approval?  Suppose we feel guilty if we think of acting like ungrateful children and abandoning them in their hour of need?
  • In our hearts we pledge to take care of our children until they can take care of themselves very well. But suppose they’re 40 and still living with us because they never took our advice and never got good careers or married the right person or held a job?  Suppose our toxic children are rotten to us until they need something?  Or they threaten to deprive us of our grandchildren unless we give them everything they want, even to divorcing our spouse, whom they hate?  Suppose they still act like spoiled, vicious, toxic teenagers, blaming us for all their failures, feeling entitled to everything they want, full of sneering sarcasm, back-talk, temper tantrums and demanding that we slave for them?  Suppose we still think that if we love them enough, if we’re nice enough to them they’ll finally grow up and become successful?  Suppose we’re afraid they’ll fail completely and end up homeless if we don’t give them everything they want?

Those are horrible scenarios but all too common.

Probably, we’ve discovered the hard way that we can’t make things better by being peacemakers.  Tactics like begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, ‘second chances,’ forgiveness, sympathy and unconditional love, and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  We won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are more or less important to us.

So we wallow in negative self-talk, perfectionism, blame, shame and guilt.  We get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.  We lose our confidence and self-esteem.

Often, we stay stuck in those versions of hell because we gave our word and we’re people of integrity – even though they broke their side of the bargain, we understand how hard it has been for them.  We think we must honor our pledge or we’d be just as bad as they are.

I say that’s a big mistake. I say, “Choose life, not a slow spiritual and emotional death.”  I say, “Examine your hierarchy of values and get clear about which values are more important to you.  Then honor the most important ones gracefully and cheerfully.”  And make yourself cheerful living a great life with your choice.

Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to grow up or change or die.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”

Often, we avoid examining that hierarchy of values and discarding those early vows until we are forced to.  We may not be willing to protect ourselves but we will act resolutely to defend others.

For example, our crazy or bullying spouse abuses the children and only then does our spirit rise up with fierce determination to protect our children.  We discard that marriage vow for the sake of something much more important than loyalty to a toxic spouse – loyalty to our children

Or the toxic parents are so abusive to our spouse and children that we take the power we need to protect what’s more precious than our toxic parents – our marriage and our children.

Or our toxic children are so vicious, nasty and abusive that our spirits will stand no more – we’ll protect our marriages, our health and our retirement funds from the energy vampires who want to suck us dry, even if they’re our own children

For some examples of different tactics, see, “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Sometimes we must fight ferociously to stop bullies at school, at home and in the workplace because the responsible authorities won’t act, despite the evidence. But other times, we are the problem.  We have conflicting values we can’t choose between so we don’t act effectively; we stay stuck – uncertain and indecisive.  We vacillate instead of acting with determination and perseverance.  We give in.

A few examples in different areas of life are:

While many other values and reasons can factor in, including important ones like keeping a job that puts food on the table or even survival.  I hope you can see that if all of our values are held to be equally important, then when they contradict each other, we’ll be stuck.  Or, if one value is always held to be most important, for example, non-violence, or being nice and sweet, or never disagreeing or upsetting someone, then we’re guaranteed to fail in some situations.

The way out of this impasse is to:

  1. Rank our values in importance; have a hierarchy of values. Then we know which one is more important in which situations.  For example, is it more important that your children have contact with an angry, hostile, bullying, controlling, abusive, brutal parent because children need parents or is it more important for your to set an example of standing up to bullies and protecting them from being beaten, even if that means they don’t see that parent?
  2. Honor the most important values first. Don’t honor a lesser value if that means you won’t be able to honor a more important value.  If honoring a more important value conflicts with a lesser value, honor the ones that are most important.
  3. Plan a strategy that’s most likely to succeed. Children tend to blurt things out.  They think that if they’re right, that’s enough.  Everyone will follow them or some protector will rescue them and make things right.  Adults know that in order to succeed we often have to be careful in how we do things.  And there may be no rescuer, no matter how right we are or what we think we deserve.
  4. Carry out the strategy with single-minded focus, determination, courage and perseverance. Be relentless in a good cause – your most important values.
  5. I am not recommending situational ethics; I am recommending situational tactics.

We won’t make things better for ourselves or our children by being a peacemaker.  Tactics like begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuseWe won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are more or less important to us.

If we don’t create a hierarchy for conflicting values, we’ll wallow in negative self-talk, blame, shame and guilt.  We’ll get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.

We can use many techniques to clarify our patterns and to prioritize our values in a way that will make us more effective and successful.  The take-home message is always to cut through impasses and solve our problemsDon't be a victim waiting forever for other people to protect you.  Use your own powerSay “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”  Stopping bullies is more important than never using violence.

For some examples, see “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

What can you do if:

  • Teachers, principals and school therapists are the bullies but they won’t admit it?
  • Teachers, principals and school therapists minimize school bullying or won’t believe that your child is being bullied?
  • Bosses won’t stop bullies in the workplace?
  • The police won’t stop bullies at home?

The first step is always to document – that’s called “getting compelling evidence.”

But how?  Modern technology puts getting evidence in the hands of everyone.

For example, as reported by the Huffington Post, “Stuart Chaifetz sent his 10-year-old son to New Jersey's Horace Mann Elementary School wearing a hidden audio recorder.  The move came in reaction to accusations from the school that his son Akian was having ‘violent outbursts,’ including hitting his teacher and teacher's aide -- claims that Chaifetz claims are against his son's "sweet and non-violent" nature.  Akian, who has Autism, returned with a tape containing hours of apparent verbal and emotional abuse from his classroom aide and teacher -- whom Chaifetz identifies as "Jodi" and "Kelly" -- a recording which his father later published on YouTube.”

“As the tape continues, the teacher and teacher's aide's behavior turns from inappropriate to cruel.”

Also, “This was the case for parents of a special needs student at Miami Trace Middle School in Ohio, who sent their daughter to school with a hidden tape recorder last fall after the girl repeatedly complained about teacher bullying.  The revelation was shocking: the educators on the recording called the child lazy and dumb, and forced her to run on a treadmill with increasing speed.”

In those cases, the teachers were bullying the students.  But the same method would be effective for gathering evidence about other kids who are bullies and for stopping bullies at work and at home.

It’s hard to ignore that kind of evidence, even for do-nothing principals who want to look the other way, who won’t stop bullying.  Those negative, do-nothing principals are usually a major factor in suicides of victimized kids.

Those teachers and principals will need to be forced before they’ll do anything.  You won’t make things better for your child by being a peacemakerBegging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuseThese incompetents may initiate processes but they won’t do the difficult work of getting results.  They won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying.

The take-home message is always to give the responsible authorities a chance, but if they don't do their jobs to stop a pattern of school bullying, solve the problem yourselfDon't be a victim waiting forever for other people to protect you.  Use your own powerSay “That’s enough!”  Say “No!” Stopping bullies is more important than never using violence.

I’m not a lawyer.  Check your state laws about what you’re allowed to do to get evidence in secret and what’s illegal.

The steps are:

  1. Get evidence.
  2. Get a lawyer.
  3. Get publicity.
  4. Get a law suit started.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Sarah has been best friends with Heather for years, but she’s finally realized how much Heather has taken over her life and poisoned it. Sarah feels like Heather has been a toxic polluter in her environment, but she’s afraid that if:

  • She didn’t have Heather, she’d be all alone.
  • She said goodbye to Heather, Heather would get angry and retaliate with their friends and to Sarah’s family.

What should Sarah do?

Heather has been a sounding board for all Sarah’s decisions.  Heather always knows what Sarah should do to straighten her life out.  Sarah never married because Heather found faults with every guy that Sarah was interested in. Sarah stopped dieting because Heather told her she’d look bad if she was thin.

Sarah doesn’t have much time for herself since she has to be on-call in case Heather needs her.  Heather often has urgent requests for Sarah to do her chores or to meet her.  Sarah’s afraid to disappoint Heather because Heather gets so hurt and makes Sarah pay.

Heather criticizes Sarah relentlessly, spreads lies, rumors and malicious gossip, and gets other people angry at herHeather is angry and demanding, and nothing Sarah does is ever right or good enough.  Sarah is always to blame.

Within their circle of friends, Heather always takes center stage and even steals Sarah’s ideas.  Heather doesn’t allow Sarah to be with the others unless Heather is there.  Heather says it wouldn’t be kind, respectful or loving for Sarah to do things behind her back.

Sarah feels like she’s spent her life trying to please Heather and apologize to her and take the blame for everything.  But no matter how nice, kind and loving Sarah’s been, Heather hasn’t given her credit or changed her opinion or behavior.

How do you know your friend is toxic? I’d rephrase that into, “How do you know your friend is not really a friend?”  There are two types of warning signs:

  • Your inner warning signs – you feel criticized, used, abused, harassed, unsafe, taken advantage of.  Your kindness, consideration, compromise, appeasement, apologies and efforts to please them are not rewarded by them doing the same for you.  They’re always right; you’re never good enough.  You’re afraid of what they’ll do if you displease them.
  • Their external behavior – Their timing, agenda, feelings, desires, needs and wants matter much more than yours do.  If you start talking about your interests or feelings, they’ll rapidly shift the subject to theirs.  They can change the plans or be late but you can’t.  They say nasty things behind your back and justify what they did because they’re sure they’re right.  They make the rules.  If they’re angry over the slightest thing, they can retaliate in what ever outrageous, over-the-top way they want.  Their reasons are right.  It’s your fault and you deserve what you get.  They’re nice to you when they want something, but as soon as they get it, they’re mean and nasty or they put you down because you didn’t do it good enough.  You apologize but they never do.  You have 100% of the responsibility to heal any misunderstandings.

Make a list of behaviors that friends do. When Sarah made the list, she saw that Heather didn’t do these actions.  Since Heather didn’t, then whatever she calls herself or however Sarah thought about her, she’s not really a true friend.  In order to summon the strength, dedication and courage needed to stop bullies, we must see clearly how things really are and also name them accurately.

Can you get them to see they’re toxic and what if they don’t get it? Whenever Sarah asked or begged Heather to stop, Heather’s response for saying and doing such hurtful things was, “’I’m right.  You’re not trying to repress me, are you?”  Heather never thought she was wrong.  She always felt justified and righteousSarah has tried to forgive Heather and to love her unconditionally, but that hasn’t changed Heather’s behavior.  Sarah didn’t think she could ever get Heather to admit how toxic she was.  She knew how quick Heather was to defend herself.  Nevertheless, Sarah tried to explain once more, just to give Heather a chance.  When Sarah brought up the subject, Heather got enraged and attacked Sarah for being a false friend.

Can you say goodbye just because you want to or do you need to be able to prove to them that they’re toxic? You don’t need an outside expert or a survey in order to decide how toxic your friend is (say, on a scale of 1 to 10) in order to give yourself permission to say goodbye to a toxic friend. You don’t need them to agree that they’re toxic.  If your toxic friend doesn’t get it and change their behavior, you can act on your own – just because you want to.  It’s important for you to use your own power to keep your personal environment free from toxic polluters.  Just because you want to is more than enough reason to do what you want.  In order to stop bullying and abuse by toxic people you’ve known for a long time, simply say, “No, that’s enough.”

What can you do if your toxic friend threatens to ruin you? They might tell your secrets or cut you down to everyone you know, including your family.  Of course it can be difficult.  But if you don’t say goodbye now, you’ll just prolong your pain indefinitely, maybe for the rest of your life.

If you don’t resist, you’re training that toxic person to do worse to you whenever they want.  Narcissistic control freaks and boundary pushers are relentless predators.  The only way they’ll stop is when they’re stopped or removed from the environment.

A better question is, “What behavior do you want to allow on your Isle of Song?” Ignore toxic bullies’ reasons, excuses and justifications.  Actions count; not apologies.  It’s your Isle; protect your personal ecology.  Say “goodbye,” no matter who the perpetrator is.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Nowadays, even young children talk back, roll their eyes, are sassy and snarky, and demand to know why before doing what parents want.  These kids act as if they can set all the standards, know everything and are entitled to express their thoughts and feelings in any way they want about anything. Many parents think this is their toughest disciplinary problem.  Many parents want to know why this behavior has trickled down from teenagers through tweens to children.  Is this behavior the result of the bad influence of the media – television, movies, internet – or their peers?  If so, these parents think, how can we control what children are exposed to?

These parents are looking for their solution in the wrong place.  These parents want to change the whole world so that the world sets the behavioral standards they want for their children.  These parents are looking outside themselves for the answer to what they see as a problem, when the answer lies within them.

Some hidden assumptions of the parents I’ve seen are:

I disagree with all of those assumptions. The problem is the well-meaning parents who won’t set the boundaries, limitations and standards, despite the difficulties.

It’s really simple, although not necessarily easyAnd it’s not a new difficulty.  We parents must:

The sooner we start, the easier it will be.  However, even if they’re a year from leaving home, start this minute.  Don’t let them think that the best way to get things from people they need (us) is to be nasty to them.

I’m not talking about becoming a bully, a “Tiger Mom.”  I am suggesting that we stand up to our responsibility to set standards that will help kids succeed in the world.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Sue Shellenbarger’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Colleagues Who Can Make You Fat,” focuses on people at work who try to sabotage coworkers’ diets.  People reported that colleagues and bosses made them uncomfortable admitting they were on a diet 23% of the time. In contrast, dieters said they were uncomfortable admitting that they were dieting to people in personal life – friends, relatives and spouses – 63% of the time.  That is, there are almost three times as many diet saboteurs among those who are closest to us.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Diet saboteurs use many techniques.  They:

  • Tease, taunt and mock.
  • Criticize, pressure and manipulate.
  • Gleefully predict failure.
  • Get upset because we’re spurning their offerings of fatty, starchy, sugary, calorie-loaded food.
  • Lecture that we’re harming our body by dieting.

The article says that these saboteurs usually mean well.  I disagree. When diet saboteurs continue harassing and abusing us relentlessly, they don’t mean well.  They’re narcissistic bullies who have their own agenda that they think is more important than ours.  They’re righteous. They know better and they’re out to change us – usually by beating us into submission.

Typically, they try to sabotage our diets because:

  • They may feel abandoned because we no longer eat the same food with them.
  • They may be striking back because they take our change as a put down of their old habits.
  • They may feel jealous that they’re not losing weight.
  • They may see our being thinner as a threat.
  • They may simply not like us and are finding another reason, excuse or justification to mock, ridicule, or put us down.

Who cares what their reasons are?  Understanding their reasons won’t help us stop them.  After the first time we’ve asked them to stop, their reasons for continuing now become excuses and justifications for continued harassment, abuse and bullying.  Bullies always find excuses to continue inflicting pain.

What’s wrong with this picture?

  1. People who are closest to us – toxic spouses, family, friends – are the most relentless saboteurs.  Things are not as we would wish. Notice that I didn’t say, “Things are not as they should be.”  Things are as they are.  That’s not what’s wrong with this picture.
  2. What’s wrong with this picture is that people feel uncomfortable and that feeling keeps them from doing what they need toTheir discomfort is their excuse to become victims.

As William Boast said, “It’s important that people know what you stand for.  It’s equally important that they know what you won’t stand for.”

Don’t debate or argue with their justifications.  Don’t accept apologies unless their behavior changes.  They won’t change their behavior; they won’t give up their desire for domination and control.  Instead, stop bullies or get them off our Isle of Song.

These bullying spouses, family members and friends are telling us to examine what kind of behavior we will and won’t allow around us and our families.

To have the wonderful lives we want, we must stop bullying behavior in our personal spaces.  We wouldn’t allow family members to push an alcoholic to have “just one drink” and we wouldn’t allow family abusers or perverts access to our children.  The need to stop diet saboteurs is no different.

Of course, we can start resisting gently by asking them, one-to-one in private, to stop. Or we could ignore it or laugh it off in public.  Those approaches become tests of them.  Do they stop or do they identify themselves as bullies?

We know what doesn’t stop bullies: ignoring, minimizing, conflict-avoidance, begging, bribery, defeatism, forgiveness, appeasement, understanding, unconditional love, the Golden Rule.  Relentless bullies misunderstand our kindness. They take our “rising above” as weakness and, like sharks or hyenas, they’re encouraged to attack us more.

Their relentless attacks force us to confront the central issue: which is more important; good behavior or bad blood?  And when they continue their abuse, bullies force us into an all-or-none choice.  Are we willing to defend the behavior we need to have, even if it breaks the old family dynamic, the code of silence that enables the nastiest spouse or relatives to continue getting away with their abuse for the sake of, “family?”

That choice thrusts us into the second stage of maturitywe’re called upon to decide, as independent adults, what behavior we will or won’t allow into our lives, no matter what the relationship is called.  We’re called upon to have more confidence and self-esteem.

For some examples, see the case studies in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

In a previous article, “Best Methods to Stop Bullying in Schools,” I came out strongly against principals, teachers and school programs that focused only on stopping bullies by understanding, education, compassion, forgiveness and therapy of bullies, without any effective effort to stop the bullying.  They had no strong and firm consequences for harassment, taunting, teasing or physical abuse; or for any of the forms of bullying – overt, covert, verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying. Some commentators challenged my views – they insisted that changing the attitudes of bullies should be the major goal of educators and they quoted the parables of the Prodigal Son and the Golden Rule.

These well-meaning commentators, using the parable of the Prodigal Son, said that our hearts should go out to the poor bullies.  They imagined these abusive predators as having horrible childhoods that caused them to turn to bullying to gain control and power, and to boost their confidence and self-esteem.  Just like the Prodigal Son, bullies don’t know any better.

These commentators seemed to think that, just like the Prodigal Son, saving the bully is more important than the feelings of the targets. They think the bully was more of a victim of his upbringing than the people he was victimizing.  They seemed to think that we had an either-or-choice: to focus on understanding, love and forgiveness in an effort to educate bullies or to punish them, make them feel bad and drive them further into anti-social ways of acting.

Therefore, they claimed that all efforts should be directed at educating and rehabilitating bullies.

I disagree.  The choice between educating bullies or protecting targets is a false choice.  I think we must use both approaches and in a specific sequence:

  1. Stop bullies in their tracks with swift, firm, strong consequences for bullying.
  2. With compassion; educate, therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies.

Then, we’ll see which bullies rapidly change their behavior and which will remain narcissistic bullies.

I do not think the one – the bully or Prodigal Son – is more important than the many – the targets of bullying and abuse. I prefer Mr. Spock’s judgment, from the original Star Trek, “Never sacrifice the many for the sake on the one.”  I’d rather protect the many targets of bullying so they’re not converted into victims.  I worry first about the many precious psyches of the targets before I worry about the few damaged psyches of the bullies.  First, create a safe environment for the targets.  Then rehabilitate the bullies, if possible.

Begging, appeasement and the Golden Rule do not stop relentless bullies.

The better analogy is the abusive husband and the battered wife – or vice versa. Would those commentators, who have such tremendous sympathy for bullies, tell battered women to:

We protect the targets.  We remove the bully.  We don’t let the target be subjected to repeated victimization while we get swayed by our sympathy for the abuse we think the batterer must have had when he was a child.

I think that, in general, the first step in changing the behavior of bullies is to have strong consequences.  Then education, compassion and therapy have a chance.  But at least, during that time targets are protected and safe.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Many people believe that forgiveness – complete, unconditional and true – is necessary for spiritual development and for stopping bullies. These people struggle so they can see all people as completely spiritual and good, they strive to love them unconditionally, and they aspire to rise above earthly concerns and values.  That makes them feel very spiritual and virtuous.

However, much more often, I see the trap that “ineffective forgiveness” leads people into.

There’s a better way – “effective forgiveness.”

What I see are the many women and men who I’ve coached or who have written comments about their years of trying to love and forgive bullies who haven’t changed and who continue to harass and abuse them and their children.  Ineffective forgiveness becomes a trap when:

  • We don’t stop thinking about the incidents and we generate the same repeating cycle of strong emotions.
  • We don’t take precautions so the bully repeatedly attacks us.
  • We don’t learn how to avoid the same traps or how to stop bullying by toxic, selfish, narcissistic bullies’ sneaky manipulations, control, back-stabbing, or overt violence or threats of violence.

Ineffective forgiveness means that we hope the other person won’t be mean or nasty next time.  We hope that our believing this bit of wishful thinking helps bullies become better.  And to show that we’ve forgiven, we must put ourselves back into the same position in hopes bullies won’t take advantage of our good nature and kindness.

Ineffective forgiveness means people have put the value of forgiveness and the value of self-protection at the same level.  This trap leads to despair, defeat, depression and, maybe, suicide.

Almost all of the women who have interviewed me on radio and television were raised to be “nice girls.”  Their mothers taught them to forgive the mean girls who tormented and terrorized them, because those girls must have had terrible home lives.  They were taught that it was wrong to fight back and to protect themselves.

This kind of ineffective forgiveness doesn’t stop relentless bullying at home, at school or at work.

What do we try to gain by replaying incidents of bullying and abuse? Replaying is a motivational strategy.  We’re trying to develop enough fear or pain, suffering or sorrow, isolation or depression, anger or rage so that we’ll finally take steps to protect ourselves.  We’re trying to develop enough energy to act effectively.

Therefore, once we know that we’ll protect ourselves, we can stop the rehashing the incidents, stop regenerating the strong emotion in order to keep us suspicious and alert.  Then we can forgive effectively.

What are the goals of effective forgiveness and what do we usually require to get there?

  • The goal of effective forgiveness is simply to stop thinking about the other person so they occupy no space in our mental or emotional worlds.
  • In order to relax our vigilance, either we have to know that the perpetrator won’t try bullying us again or that we’ll protect ourselves, naturally, automatically and easily, if they ever try again.  Because we’ll stop them automatically, we don’t need to replay and re-analyze all the terrible incidents to keep us on guard and full of energy.
  • Sometimes we’ll get bullies out of our environment, off our isle of song, but sometimes we’ll allow them to stay, although we’ll protect our personal space next time.  Effective forgiveness does not mean that we must still relate to them in the way they want.  Whoever tries to require continued interaction as evidence of “forgiveness,” is still trying to control us.
  • Usually, we test a bully’s sincerity by requiring public apologies and amends.  If they won’t do these, we correctly don’t trust them.  Even if they do these, we still can choose to get them out of our space.

What if no apologies or amends are possible? I saw a program about the Amish in America, in which a portion was devoted to a young man who invaded an Amish school, sent all the boys out and started shooting all the girls. He killed five and seriously wounded more.  Then he killed himself.

What can we say?  There are no apologies or amends that would make that okay.

I’m saying that in such cases, the task of the Amish families is not to forget, but somehow to move on with the children who are alive and with each other.  Whatever they can think and do to reduce this horror to a size that makes it only a part of life, to a size that still allows them to find joy, for the children to grow up and love and have their own children, whatever allows them to do that is effective.  If they use the work “forgiveness,” that’s fine.

How can we forgive ourselves? Follow the same approach.  Beating ourselves relentlessly; negative self-talk, self-bullying, self-doubt, self-questioning, perfectionism, blame, shame, guilt and self-flagellation are simply ways of continuing to remind ourselves to do better.  But that’s a hard way to keep the reminder in mind.  The price is pretty high – loss of confidence and self-esteem, loss of will and determination.  When we change our way of being in the world, so we know we won’t act that way again, we won’t need the self-bullying.  Or when we make ourselves into people who are so filled with the best of us that we won’t act that way next time, we won’t need the self-bullying to motivate us to stay on track.

The goal of effective forgiveness is always about behavior:

No specific process is required or is the best, as long as we get to the goal.  Whatever our explanations, psychological rationalizations, excuses or justifications are for bullies’ behavior or whatever make us feel good about forgiving them, the only criterion that really matters is that we get to the goals of effective forgiveness – we don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies and we protect ourselves.

Notice that I haven’t gone into abstract discussions about the existence of evil, or whether bullies are sinners or whether this world of pain and suffering, of joy and beauty is real or whether it’s a delusion to see through.  Those considerations might be important to some people, but they’re irrelevant to learning how to stop bullies and to protect ourselves from their attacks.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Of course, it’s easy to sympathize with most people.  If someone has been abused, bullied or worse as a child, our hearts go out to them in sorrow for their suffering.  Or we can see someone’s beautiful spirit, the spirit of God, in them and our hearts will go out to them with compassion and empathy. But if a friend, neighbor or co-worker comes to you full of hurt, anger and outrage, does that mean that someone else actually did something wrong to them?

Maybe or maybe not.

For example, Linda recently moved next-door to Carrie in their friendly, family-focused block. It was a cul-de-sac and all the families had kids approximately the same age.  They’d organized many activities, birthday parties and car pools in order to create a community feeling.

Carrie and Linda started becoming close friends.  One day, Linda came to Carrie crying and angry.  As Linda struggled to stop her tears, Carrie felt herself becoming angry on Linda’s behalf.  Who’d caused this much pain and suffering to her friend?

Linda explained that one of the other women had made cutting remarks about Linda’s husband not being as successful as many of the other husbands and that Linda’s children weren’t as athletic or smart as the others.  Carrie was furious.  How could that woman say such things and hurt Linda so much?  What kind of neighborly welcome was that?

In an act of sympathetic friendship, Carrie said she’d never liked the other woman, who was always pompous and inflating her husband and children.  Linda shouldn’t pay attention to what the other woman had said.  Linda should know all the other women liked her much more than the other woman.

None of that was true.  Carrie actually liked and admired the other woman.  She’d never been negative, insensitive, righteous or arrogant before.  She’d always gone out of her way to help everyone.  Actually, Carrie couldn’t imagine the other woman saying those things to Linda.  But, obviously Linda’s pain meant that she had, indeed, said those things.  And Carrie thought it was her responsibility to comfort Linda and make her feel better.

The tactic worked.  After Carrie’s statement, Linda seemed to feel much better.  She thanked Carrie and left.

Two days later, Carrie noticed that the other woman had snubbed her in public and was whispering with Linda and a few of the others behind Carrie’s back.  Linda seemed to be accepted as part of the group and Carrie was glad for her.  But she still felt the cold shoulder.  Over the next week, it got worse.  She felt defeated, being cut out by the other women.

Episodes like this were repeated, sometimes with Carrie as the target and sometimes with other women as targets.  Carrie realized that it was like being back in junior high or high school again.  There was the clique of “in girls,” now led by Linda, and a shifting group of “targets-of-the-day.”

Carrie later discovered that after she’d sympathized with Linda, Linda had gone to the other woman and told her what Carrie had said behind her back.  Of course, the woman had reacted and had started snubbing Carrie.

In this article, I won’t go into how Carrie learned what Linda had been doing to each of the women or how Carrie managed to combat it.  Carrie might have been Linda’s first target, but she was not a victim.

Linda’s narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, back-stabbing behavior was her tactic for breaking in to a new group and taking control of it.  Linda was a Queen Bee.  She wanted to control the turf.  She wanted everyone to be either so worshipful or so afraid that they sucked up to her and did what she demanded.

If Carrie had let herself be ruled by her sympathy for a friend trying to break in to a new group, she’d have never been able to protect herself.  Instead, she did not accept defeat.  She took power over her actions.  She was able to bring the women together in friendship and to return the block to a friendly, activity-filled community.

Carrie and the other women found that acts of friendship did not change Linda’s behavior.  She could not be won over to acting nicely.  All their sympathy and compassion didn’t stop Linda from harassing or bullying.  She would not be a true friend.  She remained a “mean girl.

As Carrie discovered the hard way, sometimes sympathy can be a trap.  Her sympathy only aided and enabled a bully to spread her poison.

Just because someone is hurt and angry does not mean that someone else really did anything wrong to them

Carrie should have been more careful of what she did to make Linda feel better.  And she should have trusted her knowledge of the other woman’s good character.  She should not have believed Linda’s report, no matter how convincing.  She should have spoken face-to-face to the other woman in the beginning.

If a person who’s hurt, angry and complaining is a snake or go-between, who likes to pour gasoline on fires and stir up trouble between other people – who plays the game of “Uproar” – they’ll use any sympathy, opinions or information to enmesh you in a fight with someone else.

I haven’t mentioned the “Linda’s” in our extended families because we already know who those manipulative tricksters are.  We’ve already been sucked in to their manipulations so many times that we’ve learned to protect ourselves and to maintain good relations with the other people who act nice in return

A big learning for Carrie was that we may see someone’s shining, Godly spirit, but we’ll probably get to deal with their personality and the consequences they cause us.

It’s not the sympathy that’s a problem.  It’s how we express that sympathy or the dumb ways our sympathy can lead us to act in order to make someone feel better.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Single mom Joan didn’t know what to do.  Her teenage daughter, Mindy, was often so nasty to her that Joan would shake with rage, and cry with pain and frustration. Sometimes, Mindy would call Joan names, tell her how much she hated her, tell her that she was ruining her life, tell her to get out of her room and leave her alone, and demand that she never ask about school.  Even when Joan cooked Mindy’s favorite meals, Mindy would grab and gulp, and never say “Please” or “Thank you.”  Over the phone, Mindy would vent and yell at her mother.

Joan admitted that Mindy had always been that way and she’d always let her get away with it.  Sometimes Mindy was sweet, but then, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and verbally attack her mother.

Joan could never bring herself to do anything “nasty” to her daughter no matter how negative she was.

What could Joan do to stop her daughter’s bullying?

First, we established that there was nothing really wrong or crazy about Mindy.  She had good self-control with everyone else and was always polite.  Next, we established that Joan wasn’t doing anything bad to Mindy.  Joan was simply Mindy’s punching bag.

Joan had told Mindy how much her behavior hurt. Joan had tried to bribe Mindy and she pleaded with her daughter to stop, but she never took effective action.  She never punished her or imposed serious consequencesJoan might threaten, but then she’d always relentMindy might apologize, but then she’d soon repeat her behavior.  Joan thought she might be letting Mindy get away with being abusive because she felt guilty that Mindy didn’t have a father.

Joan’s reasons for letting Mindy bully her were typical. Joan:

When Mindy went to college, Joan thought her daughter’s behavior would finally change.  But she was wrong.  On the phone, Mindy berated Joan even more.  When Mindy came home for Thanksgiving, she treated her mother even worse.  When Joan suggested that Mindy seek help just in case Mindy was feeling more pressure and stress, and taking it out on her mother, Mindy exploded.

By the time we talked before Mindy’s Christmas break, Joan was desperate.  She felt beaten beyond endurance and she didn’t think she could take much more.  She realized that her own daughter was toxic to her.

By then, Joan was willing to try a new approach:

  • Open a previously unassailable belief system to new data. Joan removed her old definition of “nasty” and replaced it with one that labeled her as being nasty to herself and to the person she hoped Mindy would become, if she continued to let Mindy act nasty to her.
  • Describe the new tactics. Joan would demand the “magic words” again, just like we do when little kids ask for anything.  Mindy would have to say, “Please,” and “Thank you” or she wouldn’t get anything.  Demanding and bullying would no longer be rewarded.
  • Demand high standards of behavior from everyone, especially, from our beloved children. Joan would not let her daughter harass, bully or abuse her; that behavior was no longer acceptable. She wanted Mindy to learn that we must treat best, the people we’re closest to and depend on most.
  • Don’t debate, argue or try to reason extensively about what’s fair or right. She’d simply state how she saw it, what she’d do and then do it cheerfully.
  • Have effective consequences for nasty behavior. Joan would let Mindy show her what consequences were enough, by how much it took for Mindy to change.  The first time Mindy yelled at her over the phone, Joan calmly said, I won’t allow anyone to talk to me that way,” and she hung up.  Despite her fears, she didn’t call back.  Mindy called a few hours later and said, “Don’t you love me?”  Then she started yelling at Joan for not calling back.  Joan said, “I love you so much, I won’t let you talk to me like that.”  And she calmly hung up again.
  • Be sweet, firm and cheerful as we apply consequences.
  • Read “cue cards.” Stay firm and calm by pulling out cue cards we’ve prepared and simply read them as we apply consequences.
  • “If you want something from me, make it enjoyable for me.” When Mindy was nasty, demanding her mother take her to the mall, Joan said, “I won’t be bullied, but I might drive you if you make me like going with you.”  Mindy said, “I won’t suck up to you.”  Joan sweetly responded, “Then I won’t take you,” and she turned cheerfully and left the room.
  • Be open to bribery. When Mindy was nasty at Christmas, Joan read a cue card she’d made, “Be nice to me, you may want something from me, like a Christmas present.”  Mindy said, “That’s bribery!”  Joan sweetly replied, “Yes.  I’m glad you understand.  I work hard for my money and I spend it only on people who are nice to me.”
  • Have them act like a guest in our home. Before spring break, Joan told Mindy that she’d packed up all of Mindy’s things into boxes she put in the garage.  She was converting Mindy’s room into a guest bedroom.  Mindy was welcome to come back as long as she behaved like a nice guest in Joan’s home.  Mindy was furious and began to yell, but Joan hung up.  Mindy later called back and said she’d act like a guest.  Joan was delighted and cheerfully said, “I’m so happy.  I hoped you would.  That’s the kind of relationship I want to have with you.  But you should also have a back-up plan just in case you forget, because I’ll only allow good guests to stay.  Three weeks is a long time and you may forget what the standards are and need to have somewhere else to go.”

Pushing the boundaries.

  • Joan expected Mindy to resist because Mindy had always been able to beat her mother into submission.  She’d still think she could do the same.
  • Joan was prepared and steadfast; she expected Mindy to be nice for a while, then to push the boundaries again.  She was right.  But this time, when Mindy pushed back a little, Joan immediately and sweetly imposed a consequence.

By the next summer, Mindy was treating Joan well.  She was polite, civil and sweet.  Joan was glad to have Mindy stay as a guest that summer, as long as Mindy had a job.  Joan didn’t collect any money, but she knew that if Mindy got lonely and bored, she’d probably slide back to her old, nasty habits.

When should we start requiring good behavior? How about, as soon as we can?  Of course we respond kindly to angry babies.  Of course, the process of teaching them new ways of getting what they want is initially very slow and speeds up the older they get.  So it’s really our good sense and close observation of each individual child’s growth and development that must guide us.

But the goal is always clear.  “We ask for what we want.  But we’ll get what we’re willing to put up with.”

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Everyone has moments that matter: moments when our life can go in either direction; moments when we can choose the strength to soar to heaven or the weakness to fall into hell.  You know, those moments in which everything gets absolutely quiet and the air seems to pulse and throb with the power and weight of a choice that will change our life.  What will we do?  Which path will we choose?  What will our life become? All bullies, all targets and all witnesses have those moments when the rest of their lives hang in the balance.  Will they stop bullying?  Will they stop being victims of bullies or of their own self-bullying?  Will they give up in defeat and despair or will they forge ahead, no matter the consequences?

These are the moments when, if we have the “Will,” we can will ourselves into wonderful futures.

Charles M. Blow reminded me of the moments of truth that I’ve seen in the lives of all the bullies and also all the targets I’ve known.  He wrote a wonderful, deep, heart-felt column in the New York Times, “The Bleakness of the Bullied.”

He describes his own experience when he was eight, the subject of “relentless teasing and bullying from all directions – classmates as well as extended family.”  In a pit of despair, he contemplated suicide, only to be heartened when a song, often sung by his mother, leapt to his mind, “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.”

He knew he had “to be brave and patient, that this was not to be my last night.”

Notice the “Will.” Charles was not going to be a victim any more.  Somehow he’d resist, he’d grow, he’d survive and thrive.

Every target of bullying I’ve ever coached had a similar moment in their childhood or in our work together: A moment when they faced the bleakness of a future of continuing to be a victim or, alternatively, the brightness of standing up and fighting back in some way.  In that moment, they each responded to that choice with a great surge of Will, power and energy.  They fanned the spark in their heart into a fierce flame that warmed, strengthened and sustained them.

Once their Will took over their actions, despite a little anxiety, the rest was straightforward.

They would not give in to bullies, predators and abusers.  They would not give in to their self-bullying, negative self-talk, anxiety, stress, fear, panic and despair.  They would not succumb to self-doubt.  They would not let their self-confidence and self-esteem be eroded or destroyedThey would not be defeated.

They would keep that flame alive by daring to protect and defend themselves; by taking the risk of creating a brilliant and wonderful future for themselves, no matter the opinions of their oppressors or the cost to the old, destructive patterns they had been mired in or the people they were related to.

In “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site, you can read about the moment I had.

Their action plans were different depending on their circumstances but they had the same Will and they learned the same skills.

I’ve seen the same moment of truth with bullies.

One former bully told me of a moment when he was about nine and was the biggest, toughest angriest kid in his class.  He had thought he was simply doing what he had to do to make his place in the world.  Then, a principal hauled him into his office, sat him down and told him, in so many words, that he was a bully and he had to stop or he’d be thrown out of school.  He was too vicious, nasty and brutal to be allowed to continue harassing and tormenting the kids he was victimizing.

The boy was stunned.  He’d never thought of himself as a bully, as vicious and nasty.  And he certainly didn’t want to be thrown out of school.  In that moment his heart broke open and he vowed never to be a bully again, even if he was the biggest kid in the room.

That principal was great because he confronted the situation and acted firmly and effectively, even though the boy’s response might have been dangerous for his career.  He was not a cowardly, do-nothing principal.

Why was that bully seeing me?  He wanted to learn skills to negotiate his adult life without reverting to bullying in order to get his way.  He didn’t want to be a bullying spouse, co-worker or boss.   He didn’t want to be a bullying parent.

What has been your experience?

In all cases, success requires two things of us:

  1. The Will – determination, strength, courage and perseverance – grit.
  2. The skills to succeed.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.