Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy

Vision and goals are the heart and mind of your company.  Teamwork is the engine that drives physical performance - products, service, productivity, costs, pricing and marketing.

Your company can’t guarantee successful, integrated performance - but if you don’t provide organizational leadership that coordinates effort, you do guarantee failure.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Team Agreements Keep Companies Healthy
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/06/16/smallb5.html

The structure and the teamwork guidelines must enable employees to work more effectively and efficiently. Guidelines, flexible enough to accommodate to changing situations and to benefit from creativity and different styles, take precedence over individual preferences.

To maintain consistent performance, the following agreements must be honored, from the CEO to the lowest supervisor and employee:

• Stand-up clearly, directly, matter-of-factly and firmly for the company standards and teamwork guidelines.  Take sides with the standards, not the personalities.
  
• Hold everyone accountable for great teamwork and human skills, as well as technical competency.  Teamwork can’t be maintained when top leaders loot the company or when employees can use threats of lawsuits to blackmail the company into violating its standards.
  
• Hire, train, encourage, demand, evaluate, and reward good will and good cheer.  Have consequences for ill will, laziness, etc.

Someone unhappy with these agreements can try to change them according to your policies and procedures or he/she can leave.  Someone generally unhappy with life cannot be allowed to infect the whole company.  A healthy body must isolate or remove foreign objects.

Chain of command and chain of communication aren’t enough.  You need specific guidelines for proactive teamwork policies and procedures.  There is no “perfect” set. Some of my favorite ones are: - see original article.

In order to have a coordinated and well-functioning corporate body capable of obtaining the success you envision, you must provide an appropriate structure, an integrated system, effective nutrition, and consistent training.  Teamwork keeps the body healthy, and aligns effort.

The best way to develop team agreements for professional behavior that will stop harassment, negativity and bullying is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an effective plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Give Yourself Your Heart’s Desire or Die!

I had two heart attacks in February and August of 1988, at the age of 49.

I felt like an elephant sat on my chest, preventing me from drawing a breath.  On both occasions, I sat down hard and stayed quiet until I began to breathe a little easier and the dizziness left.  Not wanting to bother anyone, I said nothing.  I convinced myself that I was probably suffering from the chronic bronchitis, and its resultant shortness of breath, I had as a child.

After the first attack, I regained much of my former energy, but for three weeks after the second one, if I walked rapidly, I had the same symptoms.

Finally, I casually mentioned them to someone at work, who said, "Lungs aren't the only thing your chest — you do have a heart, too."  In a flash, the veil of self-deception was torn.  I knew he was right.  Then shock set in.

After an electrocardiogram, the cardiologist described me as a "walking time bomb" who needed four by-passes immediately.  I was in a daze.  I met my wife at home, thinking that I would pack and go to the hospital.  She didn't panic.  She said, "Let's sit and think on this.  What's going on with you?  What does this signify?"  So we sat.

What happened next was shocking to this trained research scientist who’d directed laboratories since receiving a Ph.D. in 1966, and who was not given to hallucinations.  I heard a voice so clearly that I simply knew it was true.  It said, "Live your heart's desire or die!"

I had already done most of what I had envisioned when I was young: I had a good career, a great marriage and wonderful, grown and independent children.  I had been making systematic steps in the direction of my heart's desire for three years, but now I had to go all the way or face the consequences.

My desire was to move on from 25 years as a research biochemist and become a psychotherapist, life coach and business consultant.  I wanted to focus myself and others on how to clarify and live a rich, wonderful and fulfilling life.

In a future of not living my heart's desire, I saw only poverty, loneliness and sickness.  No wonder I had been willing to die.

But what to do about my heart?  Then the next revelation came. "If you take care of yourself, you don't need surgery!"  Which was immediately followed by a wave of fear and rationality.  One run-on thought — "I know that I can hardly breathe, I have intense chest pains, the doctor says that I need immediate surgery, how can I disagree with experts, how can I trust my gut in life-and-death matters, what if I'm wrong, what will people say?"

And again, "YOU'LL BE OK!"  For me there was no sense of choice, just instant decision.  Do it!  Don’t be a victim of your genes or circumstances.

Now came the hard part.  How to maintain my determination in the face of recurring fear and the reiteration of the old rules which insisted that attempting to live my heart's desire automatically meant self-indulgent and irresponsible behavior; financial ruin and the loss of my family?

I began a combination of the physical treatments and mental and spiritual changes that was critical to my recovery of full health.

I was able to distinguish my heart's desire from my ego's desire to polish self-image, satisfy childhood fantasies and maximize creature comforts.  I could feel the difference between clear, "accurate" intuition and seemingly similar sensations produced by fear, desire and wishful thinking.

I knew that there is no guarantee of success, only a guarantee of failure if I didn't try.  The trick for me was to let go of the fear of failure.

I developed the courage and strength to withstand the well-intentioned advice of people who "knew better," and to update many deeply embedded but outmoded rules.  I connected with people who inspired me to relentlessly pursue my dreams.

I wrote a stepwise handbook for myself for creating and living my heart's desire.  The handbook had many signposts with behaviors that let me know if I was on course or veering off in wrong directions.  It also has a process for taking time, getting quiet, asking my heart what to do and then listening.

The results were astonishing.  My cholesterol and fatty acids decreased dramatically.  In the early days, my body developed sharp pain right above my heart to warn me if I was speeding up or going in the wrong direction.  You bet I listened.  I realized later that this signal was simply a muscle spasm over my ribs; nothing to do with my heart.

The next year, after an EKG and a treadmill test, a different cardiologist said that I must have been misdiagnosed because I couldn't have had those problems only a year before and be okay this year.  Twenty years later I got more signals to have stents put in.  I didn’t wait until more heart attacks.  And I’m fine.

This is just one story with incomplete diagnoses and no scientific study of the factors leading to my improved health.  I certainly don't recommend that everyone ignore medical advice.

But I do recommend that everyone clarify your heart’s desire and take steps to make it reality.  You’ll find your life, as well as your heart, opens up in wonderful and glorious ways.  Life will become a joy, not a dreary slog down a road leading to a pathetic death.

Since then I've been helping other people examine their lives and design steps to create their heart's desire.  Many have succeeded in developing and living the rich, full lives they've always wanted.  That gladdens my heart.

The best way to give yourself your heart’s desire is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively

Whether you’re managing a forced or chosen company reorganization, downsizing, career or personal change, fear shuts the doors of your mind, limits your horizons and choices, throttles your energy and resources, and thwarts success.  Master your fears to manage change effectively.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Master Your Fears to Manage Workplace Change Effectively
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/08/25/smallb5.html

People in our culture typically respond with debilitating fear to ambiguity, uncertainty, unpredictability and the potential danger of change.  Victim-thinking, paranoia, stupidity, ignorance, and narcissism become rampant.  Tunnel-vision, defensiveness, survival-thinking, inactivity, and back-stabbing increase.

To develop effective attitudes you will have to protect yourself from the epidemic of fear spread by the media and most people you know.

• Some of the common “fear-viruses” and their antidotes (read the original article) are:
• “The global forces of a shrinking economy are too powerful for any individual.”
• “When a lot is on the line, you’re supposed to react with fear.”
• “Any time your feelings are hurt or you don’t get what you want, it’s a tragedy.”
• “Society owes you a living; comfort, convenience and success are your right.”
• “Any mistake can be fatal; if you stumble, get knocked down or pause on your treadmill, it’s a portent of inevitable disaster.”

Don’t let self-bullying, self-doubt and self-abuse sap your strength and determination, and make you ineffective.

Take charge of the choices that you do have.  Persevere though the days seem tedious and your efforts appear to be without effect. Be the hero of your life; master the changes you face.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself from your own self-bullying thought viruses is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti self-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of your low attitudes.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Your boyfriend hit his ex. Should you stay?

April’s boyfriend told her that he’d hit his ex-wife during the ugly lead-up to their nasty divorce.  He was embarrassed, ashamed and regretful.  He said he wasn’t a bully or abuser, and he’d never to that again.  He had much better control of himself now.

Should she leave him immediately?

Many people would rapidly advise one of the extremes – leave now because once a batterer, always a batterer or be kindhearted and stay, give him a chance the show he’s changed.

I say that you have to make a choice not knowing the future (as always) and “it depends.”  Is this a first date?  Did his ex provoke him and how?  Did he smack her or did he really beat her?  What does April know about him?

In this case, April and he had lived together for six months and April thought he was a real keeper.  He was independent and responsible.  He did not harass, criticize, demean or try to control her.  The few times they’d argued, she could tell when he got mad but she could see that he controlled himself and kept the arguments rational and verbal.  He did not put her down or attack her verbally.  There was no bullying.

Also, April could see the effort he make to expose himself by telling her even though he hadn’t needed to.  She decided to take that as a plea for help coming from his real desire to open up and be honest with her.  He was willing to make himself vulnerable in order to get her help to change himself.

April decided he was worth giving a chance to.

She could see how he’d been raised in a family that had been brutal to him.  She could see his choice to face his parents’ verbal and physical abuse by maintaining rigid control over his emotions.  Later, he’d used that ability and his brains to become very successful in business.

If fact, she thought that his control extended too far into his personal life.  If anything, he was much too controlled and distant – even repressed.

April drew two circles on the floor for him.  In one, he would continue being the controlled, repressed person he’d been for years.  He could hope that he’d have enough control to resist hitting her when they got into arguments or when she was so angry she frightened him like his mother had done before abusing him.  Good for him that he didn’t want to repeat his parents’ patterns.  But she wouldn’t stay with that controlled, repressed person.

In the other circle, he’d dedicate himself to becoming the person he’d wanted to be.  He’d open up, overcome his old strategy of repressing his emotions and learn to be a person who simply never got so frustrated and angry that he had to lash out physically.  He’d dedicate himself to becoming a whole person, not a half person struggling to control a “dark side” of violence.  He’d have to be courageous to be willing to open up the pain of his childhood and to learn new ways of being when faced with an angry person he loved, but whose anger he feared.

He’d have to go to counseling to get the help he needed.

1. The tests April set for him were that:
   When he was the slightest bit frustrated or upset, he’d start talking about it reasonably.  He wouldn’t repress it until he exploded.
   
2. When she was angry, he wouldn’t hold back saying what he wanted and he wouldn’t mentally run away from conflict until he got so frustrated that he’d explode.

If he dedicated himself to stepping into that second circle and to being that second person, 24/7, she’d stay with him.  If he raised his hand to her, he'd be gone immediately.

Was she worth it to him?  He said that she was and that was why he told her about hitting his ex-wife.  He hadn’t told her because he was afraid she’d find out.

Also, he asked her to make the same commitment with similar circles for herself.  She had a problem of going from irritation to explosive rage without any intervening communication.  She’d have to pledge to talk when she was frustrated and not repress her frustration until she exploded.  She was pretty scary then.  The April in her second circle was the April he wanted to live with.

Of course, they’d both begun an arduous journey.  They both had to be strong and courageous, and open themselves up to each other’s opinions and responses.

The best way to become the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Drive a Stake into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"

I consulted with someone who was slowly being sucked dry by work “Vampires”.  She felt too drained and fatigued to produce what she needed to.  She spent too much time off-track listening to “soap operas” or helping people do their jobs.  She tried to help others to settle their conflicts only to find herself in the middle and being blamed by everyone.  She took everything to heart and tried to make everyone happy.  She thought that the most important thing was not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Drive a Stake Into the Hearts of Work "Vampires"
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/10/13/smallb3.html

• Let’s focus here on the attitudes and some action plans she now uses.
  Attitudes always come first.
  
• She responds to the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  She is committed to saying, “No” when it’s appropriate.  She reaches “burn-out” with people who continue to take without giving back.
  
• She learned how to say, “No” by observing, asking good teachers how they do it, and practicing (trial and course-correction).
  
• She identifies the warning signs she previously ignored: where vampires lurk, what they use for cover, and how they catch people unawares.
  
• She puts responsibilities where they belong and she doesn’t get caught in the middle of other people’s problems.
  
• She needs good solid blocks of time to do her own tasks. She demands them and preserves them. That’s her first priority.

And if she ever again feels drained and fatigued after interacting with someone, she just has to get the garlic and stakes - check her attitudes, develop a strategy, gather her resources (determination, perseverance, resilience, flexibility, humor), use her skills, and take appropriate action.

The best way to learn how to protect and defend yourself, and to set high standards is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic Parents/Toxic Boyfriends/Toxic Husbands

When Melanie began standing up to her toxic parents, when she began establishing boundaries with real consequences, she realized that she had the same problems and patterns with toxic boyfriends.

She’d always picked boyfriends who criticized, demeaned, controlled, abused, and bullied her – in the same ways her parents had.  And she’d given in to them just like she had to her parents.  She’d complained and argued, but she’d never left.

The hold she allowed them over her was also the same as she’d allowed her parents to have.  They had something she wanted so she gave in and tolerated everything they did.  No, not what she wanted: what she thought she desperately needed to have right away that she thought she couldn’t get on her own.

They said they could teach her skills she wanted to learn or introduce her to the right people or get her jobs.  She thought, and they reinforced, that she’d never get it so easily without them.  She thought she needed them to make the life she wanted.  But they only came through a little bit and only if she paid a high and ever increasing price.

Also, they always thought they were right and they were righteous about it.  They stimulated her self-questioning and self-doubt.  Her self-esteem plummeted.  She really thought she was needy and dependent.  The cycle got worse with each new relationship.  Maybe, she thought, they were right.  They seemed certain and she was certain that if she didn’t do what they wanted, she’d never succeed.  Maybe, she thought, that’s the way the world is or that’s the way all men are.

When she looked at her friends, she saw that most were in the same types of relationships with their demanding boyfriends or husbands.  Some of the details were different, but the patterns were the same.

The friends that were in healthy, non-toxic relationships said they’d support her, but she would have to make the first moves herself.  She’d have to free herself, no matter what the cost.  Then and only then, would they help her.  They also said they were tired of her whining and complaining but lack of effective action.

The stronger Melanie got setting boundaries with her parents, the clearer her relationship patterns became.  Her fear and desperation decreased.  She became determined and courageous.  She began setting boundaries and getting rid of the toxic boyfriends.  She became determined to make it on her own, even if that took longer and would be harder.

Surprisingly, once she started freeing herself, unforeseen opportunities opened up. She stopped complaining and soon had less tolerance for the whining of others.  As most of her desperate and needy old friends left her life, old, strong friends and her new friends did help her. 

More rapidly than she expected, the weight lifted from her shoulders and she felt free.  And she took advantage of the opportunities.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul!

The best way to stop bullying by toxic boyfriends or husbands is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

"Masters of Change" sets leadership standard

Most business books aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.  But once in a while a business book has the potential to change the course of individual lives and therefore, the life of a society.  These are usually not books on “how to” do business; they are books on “who” you can be when you do your business.  These books alter how you think about your business in relation to the larger arena of your whole life.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
“Masters of Change” sets leadership standard

ttp://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/11/10/smallb7.html

“Masters of Change,” by Dr. William M. Boast with Benjamin Martin, (Maracome Press, $14.95) is such a book.  Dr. Boast was well known on the speaking circuit, having spent years clarifying his message to the likes of IBM and Motorola.  Mr. Martin is Director of Special Projects at Mentis Technology Solutions.  The book is a pleasure to read; it captures Dr. Boast’s voice as if he was with you, speaking richly, deeply, directly and straight-forwardly.

This book is the first completely human and thoroughly pragmatic approach to leadership in a world of massive and sudden change.  Its conclusions are not justified by a set of preexisting moral principles taken on faith, but are based on a careful study of a hundreds of leaders who succeeded or failed in handling change.  The authors have extracted universal qualities, guiding principles and attitudes of masterful leaders.

“Masters of Change” focuses on leaders being their best when things are at their worst.  Like these masters, you need appropriate drive, determination, perseverance, resilience, stubbornness and flexibility so you can act effectively, intelligently and responsibly.

The book is loaded with stories and quotes that will reverberate within you for decades.  Its historical sweep and meticulous detail make it a challenging and inspiring work. It will become the foundation for the next generation of leadership thinking.
 
Start your Christmas shopping now.  Buy a case of Masters of Change and give copies to your friends and colleagues.

The best way to learn how to deal with change, especially for mature people caught in rapidly changing industries and professions, is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Toxic parents blackmail you to get their way

Melanie’s parents never beat her physically but they got her to do what they wanted by blackmail.  Melanie always paid a high price for anything they did for her.  And they always claimed they were generous and wonderful, not blackmailing, manipulative or nasty.

This is only one way toxic parents control their children – and it’s a mild one unless you’re living in it.

In high school, in return for their buying books and clothes for her, Melanie had to wait on them, go where they wanted, act like they wanted and date who they wanted.  In college, in return for a small but necessary contribution toward tuition, room, board and books, she had to come home when they wanted, do everything they wanted when she was there and, again, date who they wanted.  She also had to give them passwords to her phone, email and social networks.

Melanie always felt forced and bullied; she didn’t see any other way of going to school.  She could never get them to give without strings.

They seemed to enjoy lecturing, arguing and yelling at her.  They ignored any boundaries she tried to establish.

After she graduated, it was the same story only worse.  They’d help her get started but only if she listened to long lectures and jumped according to their time table.  Again, Melanie didn’t see any alternative.  In order to live the way she wanted, Melanie had to dance to their tune.  They held the purse strings.

Melanie resisted but finally saw the solution.  She gave up trying to reason with her parents in order to get them to help her without strings.  She gave up thinking she needed to get what she wanted immediately.  She gave up feeling needy and dependent.

She became determined to get what she wanted through her own efforts, even if that took a long time.

The result was that Melanie’s parents no longer had any hold over her.  Melanie was now in control of her own boundaries.  She no longer had to account for her tastes or actions.  She became independent of their manipulation and blackmail.  She freed herself from their strings.  She moved far away and created the life she’d always wanted.

Of course it wasn’t easy.  But it was clear, simple and straightforward.

The best way to stop bullying by toxic parents is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

Effective teamwork stands on four legs - all are necessary.

• Tasks must be clearly defined.
  
• Roles, abilities and resources must be appropriate for achieving desired results.
  
• Good people must individually do their share and work together effectively to overcome style differences.
  
• Codes of professional conduct must be set high enough and must be defended.

Bullies destroy the third and fourth legs.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Bullies destroy codes of professional conduct

http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1997/12/15/smallb4.html

While team leaders frequently violate standards by flagrant favoritism, nepotism and misuse of power, more frequently, I see teamwork breaking down when individual team members are allowed to continue violating team codes of professional conduct.

Caring and support do not mean catering to someone’s whims or to the most infantile or selfish behavior of any individual.  You can stretch yourself in order to help someone, but there is always a breaking point beyond which productivity suffers.  The most caring and supportive strategy is to inspire people and hold them accountable to live up to professional conduct and standards.

Whatever pious or soaring phrases are in mission statements and codes of conduct, the reality of organizational culture is clarified during an employee’s probationary period.  On-going, accurate and honest evaluation and feedback are necessary to defend that code.  Daily examples are needed in which a   new employee is held accountable for behavior and performance.  Managers must create precedents by documenting an employee’s willingness and ability to meet expectations.

Your work team is not a therapeutic environment and is usually not your family.  In a therapeutic environment or a family, maintenance of relationships may take precedence over tasks.  You may tolerate destructive behavior in order to maintain connection.

In your work team, however, tasks take precedence over relationship.  Camaraderie serves tasks; relationships may last 30 years or only until the task is done.

Senior managers, team leaders and individual team members each have 100% of the responsibility, authority and accountability for defending the code of conduct that protects them.  If this support to teamwork breaks, both relationships and productivity fall.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How Parents can help Stop School Bullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about what parents can do to help stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying: How Parents Make Kids Victims
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icJTfMTkM0I&feature=youtu.be

2. How to Stop School Bullying | Evaluating Your School's anti-Bullying Program
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WPz-Me4ZU&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees

An effective strategy to find and keep the best employees at every level of your company requires that you avoid desperation and be clear about what you want, how to recognize these people and what it takes to make them and your company outstanding.  Don’t settle for harassment or bullying; for laziness or mediocrity.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Maintain Standards to Retain the Best Employees
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/02/16/smallb4.html

The most important factor for retaining the best employees is providing quality coworkers in a supportive atmosphere.

Know what you want and search until you find it.

• Seek work ethic and desire - drive, dedication, endurance and eagerness to succeed.
• Examine technical skills that fit the specific tasks.
• Select personal styles that fit and complement specific tasks and teams.
• Use probationary periods effectively.
• Demand the willingness to defend your culture - your standards, expectations and codes of conduct and communication.
• Keep workers who take personal responsibility for success.  Demand what’s required for success.  Provide what’s needed for success.  Reward success.  Replace employees who don’t produce success.

You can tolerate some initial mistakes from a dedicated person; don’t tolerate mistakes from a person who is lackadaisical.  Don’t give people a license to fail.  To keep the best people, give them personal rewards, surround them with competent coworkers and demand their best.

The best way to learn how to set high standards and retain your best people is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop School Bullying - Videos

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.htmlI’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop school bullying.

1. How to Stop School Bullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Bullied
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUyidHLYdqE

2. How to Stop School Bullying: Sneaky Intimidation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8lJIf-scY&feature=youtu.be

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children

If employee conflict often makes you feel like an adult trying to manage difficult children, you’ve hit on the most effective approach for dealing with these behaviors - take charge and give these difficult adults consequences and incentives to grow up and develop adult strategies.

To read the rest of this article from the New Mexico Business Weekly, see:
How to Supervise Adults When They Act Like Children
http://albuquerque.bizjournals.com/albuquerque/stories/2002/12/02/smallb3.html

We all recognize childhood behaviors like avoiding responsibility, empty promises and blaming; possessiveness, jealousy and constant controlling; forming catty cliques or swaggering gangs; attention seeking, disruption and resistance; insensitivity to the feelings of others; fear, dependence and helplessness; threatening to hurt themselves or embarrass us.  We also label types like spoiled princes and princesses; picture-perfect little professors; martyrs, pouters, sulkers; people-pleasers; petty tyrants.

Bullies (harassers and abusers), victims and rescuers try to force others into complementary roles in their triangle.  Don’t get sucked into this Bermuda triangle.

Don’t let temper tantrums - exploding in anger, withdrawing in hurt or giving a very loud “silent treatment” - control your team.  Train employees not to expect bribes or rewards to keep them from acting out in public.  While they’re in “time out”, continue decision-making and group process.

In adults, child-like behaviors are habitual reactions to hurt and fear - maintained by ignorance of more effective strategies.  Self-protection and personal agendas become more important than co-workers or productivity.

Some general guidelines and strategies

• Effective authority depends on your willingness to replace out-of-control employees.
  
• Don’t try to appease these employees; their desires are infinite and unquenchable.  Your job is not therapy; your job is maintaining goals, quotas, productivity and behavioral standards.
  
• Difficult employees hope to justify their outbursts by finding situations in which they’re wronged.  Separate the child-like behavioral patterns from the content of the situation and deal with both.
  
• Determine who responds to an encouraging coach or mentor and under what circumstances; who responds to a firm taskmaster; who you can reach one-to-one; who responds to public exposure.
  
• Notice which employees seem to push every boundary you set, thwart every approach you make and blame their problems on your communication style.

Ultimately, these employees are 100% responsible for themselves.  If they don’t grow-up rapidly, you can’t afford to waste your time.  You’re much more productive when you’re working with “A” and “B” students eager for success, not personal victories.

The best way to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop bullying, abusive, controlling husbands:
1. How to Stop Bullying, Abusive, Controlling Husbands
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZuR59ZGMfM

2. How Abusive Husbands Stimulate Self Bullying | Get Away From Your Bullying Husband
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIGLA15Mqc

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny

We can resist enemies we can recognize and name.  We've made progress fighting identified inequities based on race, ethnic origin, religion, gender, etc.  The battles are far from over, but they have been joined and society's voice is clear

Recently, I've been coaching increasing numbers of leaders who have failed to recognize mutiny and, therefore, have not effectively defended themselves and their missions.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
Recognize and Resist the First Signs of Mutiny
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/04/13/smallb6.html

These leaders are being told that

• Taking charge is morally reprehensible elitism.
• Setting high standards and quotas, requiring professionalism, holding people accountable and not accepting excuses is too threatening.
• A hierarchical structure and promotion based on merit is dictatorial.
• Seeking success is selfish, undemocratic and damaging to themselves and their families.

The leaders I've coached are intense, hard-working, demanding and focused on success; they're not arrogant or abusive.  But they are being told that there's something anti-social about their drive, standards and styles.

The primary purpose of leaders is not to be sweet; it's to get somewhere, to produce great results.  The primary function of leaders is alignment of their own effort and the efforts of others.

Recognize mutiny in people who do not accept your authority, goals and standards and criticize you when you judge performance, hold people accountable, insist on personal responsibility, and don’t accept excuses or forgive temper tantrums.  Recognize mutiny in people who use harassment, bullying and abuse.

These mutineers usually blame your style for their failure.  Style is not more important than results.  Results determine which style is appropriate.

If you're an employee told by other employees not to work so hard or produce so much, recognize that you're being lured into mutiny against your company and yourself.

If you're an employee with leadership drive and capability, don't stay where you're brutalized.  Go where your talents are appreciated and you can flourish.

Leaders must be fanatics, demanding tremendous energy and effort, and rewarding go-getters. Leading is a great act of courage and daring.  Don't let the enemies of that creative fire get away with mutiny.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Cyberbullying - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop cyberbullying:

1. How to Stop Cyberbullying | Signs Your Kid is Being Cyberbullied
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRGeES6fNYs

2. How to Stop Cyberbullying: What Parents Can Do | Protect Your Child from Cyberbullies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmqnkwBbQ6k

The best way to stop bullying of any kind is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
   
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

How to Stop Bullying in the Workplace - Videos

I’ve posted two new videos on YouTube about how to stop bullying in the workplace.
1. How to Stop Bullying at Work | Signs of Overt Bullying in the Workplace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76YfNwlV2OM

2. How to Stop Bullying at Work: Signs of Sneaky Bullying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqRnAhMPEKQ

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective leadership skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Being Bullied by Life: Zach Sobiech

Life can give us hard times and bad deals, including some that aren’t caused by our stupidity, ignorance or narcissism.  But we can’t let ourselves be bullied by life or self-bullied by our mind’s fears, weakness or poor thinking.  We mustn’t give up.

I saw a video on and with Zach Sobiech and his family.  Zach was diagnosed with cancer as a young teenager and finally died as a high school senior.  In addition to his real, “reality show,” there’s also a video of a wonderful song he wrote and performed, “Clouds.”

There’s nothing we can say to him or his family or his girl-friend or his friends that will make his dying okay.

We can see in the video how important it is:

1. For us to live each day with as much zest and passion as possible in the face of impending death.
2. That we don’t wait until death seems imminent in order to start living right now.
3. That we don’t give in to any internal or external voices encouraging us to get depressed or commit suicide.

I heard discouraging voices say, “But his family got discouraged and fell apart and cried off camera.”  And I say, “So what?”  They don’t have to never suffer.  Suffering is only suffering.  Tears are only tears.  We feel deeply and we still do what is needful.  Suffering doesn’t get in the way.

Our culture is full of examples of people who didn’t give up; who fought on against the vicissitudes of life and of some who even succeeded in creating wonderful lives after their times of torment and torture.  Ayan Hirsi Ali, Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi, and Tevya Bielski spring to my mind.  There are thousands of others.  We also have those not-famous ones in our heritage – our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual heritage.  Among many; my maternal grandmother whose oldest child was killed by a drunk driver.

Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative Services posted this quote on his Facebook page:
Maya Angelou's advice to her daughters: "I would say you might encounter many defeats but you must never be defeated, ever.  In fact, it might even be necessary to confront defeat.  It might be necessary, to get over it, all the way through it, and go on.  I would teach her to laugh a lot.  Laugh a lot at the — at the silliest things and be very, very serious.  I’d teach her to love life, I can bet you that."

Another favorite of mine: the sign on the Bridge to Terabithia, “Nothing Crushes Us!”

In addition to standing up to those little voices most of us have, we must educate our children and grandchildren to the ways of the real world and the need for them to have undaunted spirits; to be invulnerable.

Instead of giving your kids lies, give your kids the courage, strength and resilience they’ll need so they don’t take the tragedies of life to heart, so they don’t feel helpless and hopeless.

The best way to stop self-bullying or being beaten down by life is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.

You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly

Effective supervisors know that the life-blood of any company is feedback and criticism.  While both can lead to corrective action and termination, the idea is to improve attitude and performance.

You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
You Don’t Have to Bully to Evaluate Honestly
http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/1998/05/18/smallb4.html

Although some supervisors want to improve their skills and update their approach to fit new coaching and team-work paradigms, too many hesitate, thus encouraging destructive situations.  The bottom line: your team needs performance and your job is to guide the current employee or make room for someone new to produce what you need.

Feedback, even reprimand, is kinder than avoidance.  Evaluating is, in itself, success.

Magical thinking - hoping people will straighten out by themselves - doesn’t work and leaves you knowing that you’re afraid to do your job.

Generally the nicest, kindest and most caring act you, as a supervisor, can make is to provide feedback that gives employees a chance to improve in the areas where they, and you, will be judged.  Everyone needs to know the rules of the game.

Establish an environment of open give-and-take.

• Review often.  Give feedback rapidly, accurately, specifically, tactfully, firmly, legally and considerately.
• Take care of your own mental and emotional state and prepare your agenda in writing ahead of time.
• Don’t be off-handed.  Don’t be personal, sarcastic or manipulative.  Focus on behavior, not on name-calling or hallucinations about intentions.
• Begin the evaluation by listing goals accomplished, progress made, special commendations.  Give clear, specific examples of what you think happened and what’s not acceptable.
• Deal with things one at a time.  Distinguish excuses and justifications from analysis of processes that can be improved.

Ultimately, you know you must bite the bullet and honestly evaluate performance.  You’re not supposed to let things slide or make yourself a martyr by doing an employee’s job as well as your own or stab employees in the back by not evaluating them honestly.

The sooner you supervise effectively, the better the chances for success and the better you’ll feel.  That’s especially important for employees on probation where “an ounce of prevention will be worth pounds of flesh’ later.  You don’t have to be arrogant or a tyrant or bully to be effective.

The best way to overcome your hesitation and to learn effective evaluation skills is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and organizational consulting.

Design and implement an anti-bullying plan that eliminates the high cost of low attitudes in your workplace.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to Stop Bullies: New blog set-up

Notice the new look of this blog on how to stop bullies and bullying in relationships, at school and at work.  We’ve incorporated the blog in the website and both have been transferred to Square Space.  Thanks to Alan Bucknam of Notchcode Creative for resigning the site and incorporating the blog into it.  Great job.

Of course, it’ll take a little time for me to work out any bugs in the shopping cart.  But you’ll get the same great information and advice on how to stop bullies, harassment and abuse.

You should also be able to sign up for my free, electronic newsletter, make comments, find my new posts on Facebook and Twitter, and make your own posts on social media.

What’s the price for putting up with bullies?  Slow erosion of your soul.

The best way to stop bullies in their tracks is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to do your best resolutely, diligently and effectively, and to set boundaries effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create a bully-free personal life.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert coaching by phone or Skype.