Marie couldn’t run a productive meeting. Even after leadership training to fix the problem, her teams’ meetings lost focus, ran way over their scheduled times and repeatedly became time-wasters.
She couldn’t see why she had these problems. She’d prepared ahead, the meetings had agendas, she solicited input and she always sought consensus. So what was wrong?
The reason was clear to an outside observer. She had saboteurs on each of her two teams and she didn’t know how to deal with them. Their negativity was destroying morale, teamwork and productivity.
Marie agreed with my diagnoses, but didn’t know what she could do to stop the sneaky, manipulative bullying. She didn’t want to be an autocratic, know-it-all manager and unilaterally make decisions. So, she always scheduled additional meetings at which she hoped the teams could reach consensus and move ahead.
Also she couldn’t imagine how to change the bullies’ attitudes and abuse legally. She had already dropped hints to both of them, but they hadn’t altered their behavior.
Neither Larry nor Harry thought of himself as a bully or a saboteur, but these terms crystallized Marie’s resolve to stop their behavior, no matter what it took. She shifted from feeling helpless to being angry and determined.
Inefficient technology and operational systems can suck the energy out of a company. Bottomless-pit projects are interminable, yielding few benefits from more effort thrown at them. They’re the subjects of fruitless, time-wasting meetings.
But fixing them is child’s play compared to stopping the human “vampires” who suck the energy out of those around them at work. Unfortunately these narcissistic, bullying energy vampires are all too common. If you ignore them, they’ll destroy productivity and morale.
Here are a few examples to be on the watch for in your workplace:
Honest self-evaluation and course correction are key traits of great leaders, managers and employees.
For example, suppose you complain that almost everyone in your department or organization is turned off and tuned out. Are they all just a bunch of self-indulgent, narcissistic, lazy slackers or a rotten generation – or have you failed somehow?
To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
My staff doesn’t care: What’s the problem? Is it me?
http://philadelphia.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2009/10/12/smallb3.html
Another small group, on the other side of a bell curve, will work hard all the time. They take responsibility and care about your company’s success as well as their own.
But if that middle group, roughly 80 percent, doesn’t care, be honest and look at yourself. You know that most people do care and want to be productive.
Friendly, upbeat, helpful co-workers can ease the burden of difficult, stressful projects. But what can you do about chronically cranky co-workers who make you wish for a snow day or a hurricane?
Joe is one of these toxic bullies. He’s the scourge of his office. It’s hard to tell if he’s unaware of his co-workers’ dismay when they see him or if he enjoys inflicting pain and abuse, and getting his way because they’re afraid of him. He’s always negative, always angry, always complaining. He rants about “stupid” co-workers who’ve offended him. He vents about the “idiots” who run the company and the country. In any season, the weather’s always rotten. He “bah, humbugs” any warmth offered him. He’ll never be satisfied.
‘Drama Queens’ and their male counterparts may look like they’re responding quickly – rallying the troops, taking charge and solving problems. But they cause more chaos at work and create more fallout than the problems they’re reacting to. Don’t be fooled by their high energy and don’t promote them. Drama Queens come in many forms. For example:
To learn to recognize and stop them, read more.
Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person. They’re uncomfortable with coworkers they see as expressionless. To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.
Our language has many expressions for the perspective necessary for judicious action: ‘Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill; don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater; don’t try to kill mosquitoes with a bazooka; don’t jump to conclusions; don’t promote a Drama Queen.’
In this 3 CD set, “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” complete with workbook, designed for managers at all levels, you’ll learn:
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You want the people on your team to get along with one another and to work well together.
But beware of self-appointed middle-men or peace makers. They actually promote whining and complaining, and lead your team to wallow in emotional turmoil and dissention.
Usually they love the emotional turmoil and uproar. They feel alive when emotions are on the line and necessary when they’re intervening. They can’t resist being middlemen.
Meddling managers, setting the tone for their teams, cause the most damage. Of course, women meddle just as much as men.
Overt bullies easily get our attention. And we know exactly what we’re up against when they attack.
Stealth bullies, who stab you in the back in public with a friendly smile and a laugh designed to disguise their attack as a joke, are much tougher to deal with. In fact, it took a lot of teamwork and determination to neutralize a smiling backstabber we were asked to help rein in.
Chuck was “Mr. Cheerful” when he cut down people. For example, in front of co-workers and bosses, with his arm draped around Joe’s neck as if they were best friends he’d smiling say, “Joe is always the last person in and first to leave. Ha, ha, ha.” Or he’d jokingly remind everyone that, “Frank lost that sale because he’s too shy, but we’ll try to put some life into him.” Or he’d cheerfully say, “Harry dresses like he doesn’t care or maybe he’s colorblind. We’ll have to show him how to look more professional. Ha, ha, ha.”
Anyone who missed a meeting, no matter the reason, could count on being raked over the coals. She’d point out all their mistakes and lack of effort, and suggest that the “offending” party probably won’t last until the next meeting. The public humiliation in absentia was crushing.
To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see:
What to do if you’re stuck with bully for boss
http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2010/09/13/smallb1.html
The better your performance results are, the easier it will be for you to find a different company to work for. But don’t act too hastily. Being without a job is its own form of hell.
We all know micromanagers whose control makes staff feel like their productivity, creativity and desire for responsibility is being strangled. But the other way micromanaging kills is when a competent manager is suffocated by too many employees who do need micromanaging to be productive.
And then there are the sneaky slackers and covert bullies. The worst of these do just enough to get by, but they require you to be on top of them all the time in order to maintain any continuity of effort.
To read the rest of this article from The Portland Business Journal, see:
Micromanagement is a double-edged sword
http://www.bizjournals.com/portland/print-edition/2010/11/19/micromanagement-is-a-double-edged-sword.html
How’s this for a challenging assignment: You’re the new manager of a 14-person team that’s been together four years. During your first two days with the team, nine people come to you one-to-one and complain vehemently about two team members, Laura and Frances.
They’re angry: Laura and Frances come in late, leave early, ignore assignments and are sarcastic and nasty.
The situation outlined above is real; only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. The manager of the team involved stepped up to the challenge and the resulting change was well worth it.
To read the rest of this article from The Orlando Business Journal, see:
Stop workplace bullies who beat you up with the rules
http://www.bizjournals.com/orlando/print-edition/2011/04/15/stop-workplace-bullies-who-beat-you-up.html
Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale? Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility. But I say it depends.
For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had longstanding problems with low productivity and morale. Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were accurate. Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts. However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee, Penny. Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.
Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale? Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility. But I
say it depends.
For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had
longstanding problems with low productivity and morale. Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were
accurate. Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.
However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee,
Penny. Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.
Post #63 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/25/workplace-bullying-and-harassment-recognize-common-techniques
-bullies-use/
Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
Post #9 – BulliesBeGoneBlog This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/01/this-unhappy-employee-created-a-hostile-bullying-workplace/
Post #14 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/26/top-ten-ways-to-create-a-hostile-workplace/
Read more
To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see:
Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims
http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html
Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying. But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the
bully. She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted. She maintained
her power by never being satisfied.
Post #19 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all-boss
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/19/stop-verbal-abuse-by-a-know-it-all-boss/
Post #104 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Toxic Coworkers and Other Bullies
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/02/stop-toxic-coworkers-and-other-bullies/
Post #79 – BulliesBeGoneBlog You can’t Stop Bullying at Work with Employee Satisfaction Programs
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/07/03/you-cant-stop-bullying-at-work-with-employee-satisfaction-pro
grams/
Post #117 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies at Work: Control Freaks
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/05/04/stop-bullies-at-work-control-freaks/
Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.
Post #30 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/11/21/avoid-litigation-that-will-keep-you-awake-at-night/
All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan
that fits you and your organization. The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.
BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html
BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html
Lion tamers and snake handlers can be great entertainment. But taming the wild beasts in your own work office is no fun. It’s something you have to do, however, if they’re preventing your team meetings from being productive.
If they’re on your team, you must control, channel or remove these destructive beasts:
To read the rest of this article from The Charlotte Business Journal, see:
Be wary of these business animals
http://www.bizjournals.com/charlotte/print-edition/2011/08/12/be-wary-of-these-business-animals.html
Negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode your spirit, sap your strength, ruin your focus and destroy your courage. Looking at yourself with hostile eyes and talking to yourself with that old critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased voice can be demoralizing and debilitating. Constant repetition of all your imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide. Don’t believe it?
Think of some examples of relentless self-bullying:
The kids bullied at school who tell themselves that they’ll never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough or loved. They think it’s their fault they get harassed, teased, taunted and emotionally and physically bullied. They give in to bullies. If their nagging, hostile, abusive voices convince them that there’s no hope for a better future, they become the next Phoebe Prince, Tyler Clementi or other young suicides.
The people harassed at work who’re told they’re dumb, ugly, the wrong color, religion, nationality, gender or sexual orientation. They’re made the butt of jokes and threats; their work ideas are stolen; they’re belittled, ostracized, shamed and passed over for promotions. If their self-critical voices convince them to give up, their spirits will die. They won’t be able to summon the will, determination or perseverance to fight back. They’ll feel overwhelmed and unable to learn the skills they need to protect and defend themselves.
The kids who think the deck is stacked against them.Their parents have treated them badly or one or both have blamed or abandoned them. If they convince themselves they’re stupid and not loveable, they’ll give up. They’ll accept bullying; their own and from other kids. They shuffle through life, putting themselves down, defeating their efforts before they’ve really begun. They lose their fighting spirits; the spirit that will struggle against the conditions and vicissitudes of life in order to make great lives for themselves.
Kids who’ve turned off their engines look and act dull and listless; as if they’ve given up already. You can almost hear their constant inner, self-dialogue. They’re so distracted by the destructive IMAX Theater in their minds that they can’t pay attention to what’s happening around them. Their attention is captured by all the putdowns and listing of all their failures, the magnifying of the problems they face, the making of insurmountable mountains out of molehills, the diminishing of each skill or success, the magnifying of each imperfection. They’re not resilient; the smallest adversity defeats them. Happiness is fleeting; bitterness and depression is their lot. Anything good they get is never enough, never satisfying, never brings joy.
Alternatively, they use their engines, often ferociously, to blame their parents and try to beat them into submission, to extract material possessions and guilt, to vent their hatred of themselves and the world onto their parents or onto the one parent who stays and tries to help them. They bite every hand that’s offered to them. They fight against teachers and against learning a skill that might make them financially and physically independent. They explode with sarcasm and rage in response to the slightest nudging. What a waste.
All the help offered them seems to bounce off. They won’t accept what’s offered because that hyper-critical, judgmental voice knows better.
They have no inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience. They feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless. They may go down the path to being victims for life. Their self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed. Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated. They move easily toward isolation, depression and suicide. Nothing will help them until they turn their engines on again.
Compare them to the kids with great engines; always active and alert, always wanting to learn, willing to face and overcome challenges, seeking risk and reward, capable of overcoming adversity. They have tremendous drive to live and to succeed.
These spirited kids with great engines can tax your patience almost beyond its limits, but the reward is so apparent. They’ll make something wonderful of their lives. They won’t give up. They won’t be defeated by defeats.
Our job as parents with these spirited kids is clear: help them develop great steering wheels so they can direct themselves to fulfill the promise of their great engines in worthy endeavors. Whatever direction they travel, they’ll go with passion, intensity and joy. They’ll overcome setbacks by continuing on with renewed effort. As Coach John Wooden said, “Hustle can make up for a lot of mistakes.”
We know that attempts to improve their steering wheel won’t help. No lectures about being better, kinder, gentler people will help. The beginning of a new life for them is the miracle of starting their engines. Then they grab opportunities for themselves. Then we can help them with their steering wheels.
Which professions, in their teaching schools and in their on-the-job practices, foster or tolerate the worst and most flagrant forms of bullying? I don’t know, but teaching is right up there with doctors and lawyers and others I may be overlooking.
I see two kinds of principals running two very different kinds of public schools.
The smaller percent won’t tolerate bullying among the students, won’t tolerate bullying of the students by teachers and also won’t tolerate bullying of teachers by other teachers. These principals and teachers are a pleasure to work with. We can design policies and proactive programs to keep students and teachers safe and focused on teaching. These people say, “We don’t tolerate bullying here.”
By the way, not only public schools, but also colleges, universities and professional, post-graduate training schools (teacher training, medical schools, and law schools) are hotbeds of faculty harassing and bullying students, and faculty bullying other faculty. Don’t believe me? Check out the law suits and blogs. Ask the teachers, doctors and lawyers you know personally. Ask about arrogant, narcissistic, abusive control-freaks.
How do teachers bully other teachers?
Senior individuals, including principals, have power and control over junior teachers and will misuse that power for personal reasons, including sex. One variant is, “Suck up to me or I’ll sabotage your career.” Another is, “I’m powerful and I enjoy making you squirm.” Or, “They did it to me and now I’ll do it to you.” And, “It’s for your own good. It’ll make you stronger.”
Often, cliques of senior or even junior teachers try to run the show. One variant is, “Join our clique and suck up to us or else.” Another is, “Don’t change my perks or the status quo, and don’t threaten my job. Don’t expose our failures or dirty laundry even though we’re not changing. If you do, we’ll get you.” Their favorite tactics are to ostracize the offender and to blame all the problems on him or her. These vicious gangs will try to silence or remove offenders for nitpicky, trumped up reasons.
What can you do if you’re managing such an environment?
In my experience, successful change starts from the top down.
At a college, university or professional school, it takes a very powerful and very politically astute new administrator or new department head to change the environment. The new person will have to weed through his staff slowly and carefully, replacing the worst bullies and narcissists for legal reasons and in legal ways. He’ll have to have support because there will be widespread personal attacks and law suits.
At a public school, change requires a new principal supported by the district administrators and school boards. The new principal will have to be a master at enrolling a core group of supportive teachers and the media, and maneuvering around the union. Entrenched people, like infected splinters, are hard to reach and remove. But persevering and savvy principals can set a new tone in their schools.
What can you do if you’re a target?
Notice the signs. If you’re ignored, blamed or attacked in public, especially in front of students, you’re being set-up to be the target of a public media campaign as a troublemaker who needs fired for the well-being of the school. There’s no negotiating with these righteous predators and flying low won’t get them to back off. You won’t get the union to back you.
Hire a good lawyer who knows how to get the right publicity – not the school lawyer. Being right won’t prevent a smear campaign, full of innuendos and lies, against you. Learn what to document on your home computer.
You’ll probably end up looking for a job in another state with one of the few district administrators who can see the truth and are willing to take a chance on a “potential troublemaker.”
Some control freaks at work are complete narcissists, others cover up major insecurities. We can make lists of possible reasons that led someone to be a controlling adult – for example, genetics, they grew up with control freaks, they had no control when they were kids, their control when they were kids saved them, control assuages their terror of the unknown, control helps them succeed, they really are smarter and more competent than the rest of us, they want to feel like they’re smarter and more competent than the rest of us, or the feeling of righteousness is intoxicating.
Of course even more reasons can be listed, but especially at work where our influence is small and temporary, our psychoanalysis of these abusive bullies rarely helps us change their behavior. In the workplace, we suffer from the symptoms of their behavior, not the causes.
The real question at work is not why they act the way they do, but how to stop them.
The obvious controllers harass us overtly; their arrogant, narcissistic, nit-picking personalities oppress us continually. Even if they don’t have power over us, they’ll be relentless. But at least we can recognize the source of our pain and we can focus on creating tactics that get them off our backs.
Their reasons, excuses and rules are quietly but firmly presented with better logic and more certainty than we can articulate. Our resistance seems petty, ludicrous and selfish.
In order to succeed at work, we need to take charge some of the time. Control freaks need to be in charge all the time over everything. They’d rather dominate than have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.
The reason I focus on the symptoms you need to deal with, instead of the psychological causes is that no presentation to the control-freak of why they use their controlling style/personality and no attempts to beg, bribe or assuage their fears ever changes their behavior. The beginning of all change for control freaks is when their controlling strategy no longer works.
No one strategy stops control freaks. The creation of a successful tactical plan depends on the people, the style of the controller, the situation and the power dynamics. But there are a few guidelines.
Since control freaks want to take over everything, don’t ever give ground. You’re trying to convince them never to try to control you, but instead to go control other people.
Don’t argue or debate what’s best. If you use their suggestions don’t ever acknowledge their guidance. If they know that you accepted their input, even if they made it in a suggestive way, that opening will encourage them to push your boundaries consistently and relentlessly. Go your own way and live with the consequences.
Shine a light on their bullying tactics and the damage it causes to productivity and teamwork. Never focus on your feelings.
Don’t get sucked into becoming their confident or therapist. Your narcissism in thinking that you can help them will be your downfall.
Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the control-freak might be right. If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.
Control freaks at home rarely change for any length of time. After their bullying is confronted, they may promise to do better, but their good behavior will last only for a while. They’ll revert or get sneakier about exerting their control. While you can bring continual pressure to bear on your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, parents or children, or friends, real change is in the bully’s hands. Change typically requires bullies to face the loss of what they value most. Do they value you and the children more, or will they cling to their personal style as their identity forever?
There are toxic people in every environment – toxic family, toxic friends, toxic lovers and toxic coworkers. If you don’t recognize and respond effectively to toxic, bullying coworkers they can make your life miserable, harass you, turn the rest of your team against you, scapegoat you and even get you fired.
For example,
Jane is known to be difficult, obnoxious and an out of control retaliator. But she’s very bright and hard working so management tends to minimize the problems she causes, overlook the tension, hostility and chaos she creates, and explain away her behavior by saying, “That’s just Jane. She must have a good heart.” She specializes in vendettas. Most people are afraid of her; they usually walk on egg shells around her and try to avoid setting off one of her tirades.
The bosses make you the leader of an important project that requires tact and people skills because they don’t trust Jane. Jane is enraged. Sometimes she blames and threatens you – you stole her job, she’ll report everything you do wrong, she’ll ruin your reputation and she’ll get you fired. Sometimes she acts sweet – as if she wants to be your best friend. Sometimes she tries to make you feel guilty so you’ll refuse to lead the project she thinks should be hers – that’s the only way you can prove to her that you’re a good person and her friend.
Is Jane right? Are you sneaky and manipulative and have you wronged her? Or is this a misunderstanding you can overcome so she’ll still be your friend?
How can you distinguish a friendly coworker who’s justifiably upset from one of these toxic bullies? Simple. You look for patterns in how Jane acts and how you and others feel when you’re around her.
Are selfish and narcissistic – it’s always about them; only their interpretations and feelings matter. Only their interpretations are true.
Are sneaky, manipulative, back-stabbing stealth bullies.
Are over-reactive, control freaks – their interpretations give them permission to search and destroy, no matter how slight or unintentional the insult. They throw fits and attack or embarrass people they’re upset at.
Are you afraid of what Jane might do or that Jane won’t be friends with you?
Does she threaten you?
Have you seen Jane attack, manipulate or lie about other targets before you?
Does Jane apologize but not change or even strike back later?
Does Jane tell you that you’re special and she’d never go after you?
Does Jane make efforts to be reasonable and to overcome misunderstandings, to say that the problem is partly her fault and then does she make amends and change?
Of course, you want to be careful that you’re not overreacting. You want to know if you’re seeing their actions clearly. But if you answer the first five questions with “yes,” and the last one with “no,” you should beware.
When you identify Jane as someone who is relentless, implacable and has no conscience in pursuing her targets, you know what you’re dealing with. She’s out to destroy you just like she went after other coworkers in the past.
Your first thought may be, “How can I win her friendship?” or it may be, “She’s suffered so much in her own life, how can I not forgive her?” If you follow these thoughts with feelings of kindness, compassion and compromise, if you don’t mobilize to protect you life, limb and job you will be sacrificing yourself on an altar of silly sentimentality.
I take a strong approach: Recognize evil and recognize crazy or out of control people who won’t negotiate or compromise. The Jane’s and John’s of this world are bullies, abusers and predators that do tremendous damage. They’re why well-meaning people have to consult with experts. Remember, you would have already resolved situations with coworkers who are reasonable, willing to examine their own actions honestly, and to negotiate and compromise. You need help with the terminators that you face.
Will – determination, perseverance, resilience, endurance, grit.
Skill – overall strategy, tactics and the ability to maintain your poise and carry out your plan.
Will
Convert doubt and hesitation into permission to act and then into an inner command to act effectively. Until you have the will, no tactics will help – you’ll give in, back off, bounce from one strategy to another and you'll fail, even with the best plan.
Don’t let your good heart blind you to the damage she’ll do to you. You’ve already given her second and third chances. That’s enough. She’s not merely misunderstanding you in any way you can clear up; logic, reason and common sense aren’t effective with the Jane’s of this world.
See Jane as a terminator – she’s relentless, implacable and has no conscience. Under her human-looking skin she’s out to destroy you. Your good heart and attempts to reason politely won’t stop her.
Assume that you can’t rehabilitate or convert Jane in your life time. That’s not what they pay you for at work anyway. You’re merely Jane’s coworker with an important personal life, a personal island that needs protecting. Let Jane’s therapist change her in professional space and on professional time that she pays for.
You don’t owe her anything because she got you the job or rescued you from drowning. She’s out to get you and you must protect yourself. Let Jane struggle to change on someone else’s professional time. Don’t put your reputation, your job or your family’s livelihood in harm’s way. Don’t minimize or excuse. Deal only with Jane’s behavior.
All plans must be adjusted to your specific situation – you, Jane, the company, your personal life. Added complications would be if Jane is your boss or the manager of your team likes her or is afraid of her and will collude with her against you.
Don’t believe Jane’s promises; don’t be fooled if she acts nice and sweet one time. Pay attention to the pattern of actions. If she’s sweet, she’s probably seeking to get information that she can use against you.
Don’t expect her to tell the truth. She’ll say one thing to you and report exactly the opposite to everyone else. She’ll lie when she reports bad things you have supposedly done. She knows that repetition is convincing; eventually some of her dirt might stick to you. Have witnesses who’ll stand up for you in public.
Don’t argue the details of an interaction to try to convince her of your side. State your side in a way that will convince bystanders. Always remind bystanders of your honesty, integrity and good character, which they should know.
Document everything; use a small digital recorder. Find allies as high up in the company as you can. When you report Jane, be professional; concentrate on her behavior, not your hurt feelings. Make a business case to encourage company leaders to act. It’s about the money, coworkers and clients that the company will save when they terminate Jane.
When you listen to voice mails from Jane or talk with her in person, tighten the muscles of your stomach just below your belly button, while you keep breathing. That’ll remind you to prepare for a verbal gut-punch.
Each situation is different – you, the toxic coworker and the rest of the company. The need to protect yourself and your career remains the same, while the tactics vary with the situation. All tactics are situational tactics.
Recent articles in the “New York Times” by Shayla McKnight, in the “Harvard Business Blogs” by Cheryl Dolan and Faith Oliver, and in “Stumble Upon” have focused on the harm done by workplace “gossip girls,” “mean girls” and on the difficulty in stopping these bullies. However, some academics have even made a case for the benefits of gossip at work.
Although men also engage in gossip at work, the typical image of harassment and bullying with gossip involves grown up mean girls using the same tactics they perfected in middle and high school.
Gossip is part of a pattern of negativity, verbal abuse, sabotage, rumor mongering, exclusion, back-stabbing, public ridicule, “catfights,” arguments, vendettas, disrespect, cutting out and forming warring cliques, crowds or mobs that wreaks havoc on previously productive teams. Conflict and stress, and turnover and sick leave increase, while morale and productivity are destroyed. These tactics lead to hostile workplace and discrimination suits against companies that don’t actively recognize and remove stealthy gossip girls, their supporters and managers who tolerate the bullying.
Although gossip, harassment and bullying by mean girls are scourges at work, they can be stopped.
Of course there are people for whom gossip is a way of life. They can’t imagine living without talking about other people. But if you want to maximize productivity of your team or company, you’ll have to stop these people, as well as the hardened climbers who use gossip to gain power and turf, or who simply like inflicting pain on their victims.
Sometimes the voices of an outside expert and company lawyers are necessary to guide the process. But ultimately, leaders and employees must take charge of creating an environment where they can thrive without having to look over their shoulders with the same kind of anxiety and fear they had in middle of high school.
In this recession, lots of specific problems crop up that we moan and groan about. But habitual whiners and complainers want us to wallow in their negativity even in the best of times. In her article in the Financial Times, “Office moaners are something to groan about,” Emma Jacobs points out that habitual complainers can demoralize and depress any office.
The skill to critically foresee potential problems and try to solve them is totally different from an endless stream of hostility, negativity and victim-talk. Of course, good managers pay attention to comments from productive staff.
While occasional griping is a natural part of our lives, a Grump’s steady stream of bad attitudes coupled with attempts to prove that we should all feel as bad as he does, rapidly convert our sympathy into anger.
Negativity also promotes workplace divisiveness. Moaners ostracize anyone who won’t join in and their continued focus on what’s unfair or wrong leads co-workers to focus also on what’s wrong at work instead of finding solutions or staying productive.
Although most people moan and groan for a while in response to specific situations, typically, you’ll encounter three types of habitual moaners:
People who routinely feel discouraged, depressed and victimized, and just want to whine endlessly about how hard life is.
Co-workers who batter you with their views about how bad the world or the company is. You have to agree or you just don’t understand (“you fool”) or you’re one of the “oppressors.”
Well meaning people sympathize, agree and join their crusades.
Co-workers spend hours giving them sympathy instead of working.
Managers and co-workers start walking on egg shells around complaining bullies in order to make them feel good or from fear that their supporters will gang up on you because you hurt their feelings.
Behind this stealth bullying is the moaning bullies’ desire to control what correct behavior should be (“Those rotten people should do …) and their rules for how we should respond to what they see as major injustices.
Don’t hang out with negative people. Leave the break room or sweetly remove them from your cubicle or office while saying, “I have too much to do right now” and turn to do it, or “I have so many deadlines, would you do this for me” and give them a simple task.
Don’t debate with them. They don’t want to change their minds. Notice that if you win one debate, they rapidly come up with something else to moan about. Their goal is to moan, not solve problems.
Individually stand on your own ground. You might say, “You’re right but that’s not important enough to waste much time on,” or “you’re right but that’s part of life so I don’t get upset about it,” or “you’re right but that’s too big for me to do anything about at this moment so I’d rather focus on the things that lift my spirit and energy.”
At a workshop someone suggested what’s become my favorite. With a straight face say, “My therapist says I can’t have any discouraging talk for seven days straight, so do you have any happy or uplifting things to tell me?” This has worked every time.
Of course the same could be said about whiners, moaners and complainers at home. They’ll drag your energy down if you let them. As Henry Adams said, “Even the gayest of tempers succumbs at last to constant friction.” In your personal life, give whining complainers a chance to change or vote them off your island.
