Stop Bullies Who Scold, Chastise

Most people think that if they made a mistake, broke the rules, weren’t good at something or did something wrong they deserve what they get.  So they accept being scolded, chastised and browbeaten. This attitude is so common that we have many words and expressions for these put-downs and abuse. For example, admonished, assailed, assaulted, attacked, bashed, bawled out, beaten, berated, blamed, castigated, chewed out, condemned, denigrated, disapproved, disparaged, dressed down, flayed, punished, rebuked, rejected, reprimanded, ridiculed, slammed, straightened out, taken to task, thrashed, told off, tongue-lashing, torn to pieces, upbraided, vilified, whacked.

I used my handy Thesaurus because I want to ask: “Which feels most familiar to you?”  That tells you who you’ve been living with.

Most people allow bullies to bring up incidents forever, whenever the bully feels like attacking them.  After all, victims and oppressors reason, they did wrong; facts are facts.

The real mistake is when we allow ourselves to be bullied, scolded and chastised.

This isn’t about pretending that a mistake wasn’t a mistake or that we were ignorant when we actually could have known better.  Sometimes a fact is a fact.  Sometimes we easily might have known better or done better.  Maybe we weren’t careful enough.  Often there were consequences.

This is about the “so what” if we made a mistake.

There’s a big different between reviewing behavior to see what could have been done better and being scolded or chastised.  There’s a big difference between recognizing our mistakes and determining to do better versus being beaten into submission, verbally or physically, in order to make a point.

You know how it feels when a predator gleefully pounces on you with, “I gotcha.  Now I can beat you.”

Some common examples:

• A bullying husband or wife who always points out every mistake with exasperated sarcasm and scolding – accompanied by attacks on their spouse’s personality and character.  Even if they don’t say the words, you can hear the silent, “You’re so stupid.  You always fail. You’d be nothing if I didn’t straighten you out.  Now I have an excuse for being as lazy, dumb, selfish or narcissistic as I want.”
• Older siblings who correct or tell on the younger ones relentlessly.  And demand fearsome punishment.
• Parents who pick on their children for every mistake, even if the children are too young to have learned the desired behavior.  You can hear the justifications, “I’m only trying to teach them right from wrong.  I want to make sure they remember the lesson.”
• In the workplace, bosses or co-worker know-it-alls gleefully and loudly pointing out every mistake.  Or sneakily stabbing some one in the back by revealing mistakes in confidence.
• Sarcastic, nasty, arrogant false friends who always know better and are better than you.
• Boyfriends or girlfriends who have to be right.

So the first action message is not to allow yourself to be talked to that way.  Period.  Not even “when you deserve it.”  If you catch it early it’s easy to end the relationship.

That method of negative self-talk stimulates self-bullying perfectionism as if, “If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless and deserve to fail and get beaten.”  Allowing yourself to be scolded and chastised increases anxiety, stress and depression, and leads to self-doubt and low self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you allow those nasty, hostile, personal attacks in your space you increase your helplessness and hopelessness.

People who bully this way simply from ignorance and habit can understand rapidly, even though breaking the old habit will take longer.  Allow as many chances as your spirit can take easily, but no more.

People who enjoy the feeling of righteous power rarely change.  You can’t reason, appease or forgive them or love them enough to change them.  The Golden Rule won’t help you.  Vote them off your island before they destroy you.

The second action message is don’t say things that way.

These messages train people to accept bullying and to become bullies.  Don’t train people to respond to messages phrased that way.  Don’t train your children or spouse that they have to be beaten before it’s serious enough for them to change or do better.  Don’t train yourself that you have to be beaten before you’re willing to listen.  Don’t train them that they have to beat you.

Get expert coaching to change these patterns for yourself and others.  Otherwise you create and reinforce an Island in which bullying must occur in order for change to occur.

Stop Workplace Bullies who Beat you up with the Rules

We all recognize bullies who yell, hit and make nasty remarks.  But how do you stop bullies who use the letter of the rules to gain power by browbeating co-workers and getting them in trouble? For example, in the last two years, Jane had lodged written complaints about numerous employees who’d broken rules.  The result: people looking over their shoulders, fearful and anxious, irritable and attacking each other.  In addition, low productivity, lots of sick leave and high turnover.

To read the rest of this article from The Orlando Business Journal, see: Stop workplace bullies who beat you up with the rules http://www.bizjournals.com/orlando/print-edition/2011/04/15/stop-workplace-bullies-who-beat-you-up.html

Learn what manager Joe did legally to undercut Jane’s bullying and power, encourage bystanders to come forward as witnesses, change the culture of his team and eliminate the high cost of low attitudes. All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song

Sometimes things are very clear and straightforward even though carrying them out may be difficult.  But that’s a lot better than not being clear. Rabindranath Tagore, Nobel Prize winning poet, said, “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.”  This vision provides clarity about the direction we want our lives – situation after situation. But the process varies with the specifics of our individual situations.

We can begin by protecting the ecology of our Isle of Song.  Just as we wouldn’t allow toxic dumpers, we won’t allow people to trash our Isle in any way.

Therefore, we clear the bullies from our lives and we create space for the right people to come in.  The reality shows also say the same thing, although not so poetically.  “Vote selfish, narcissistic, insensitive, nasty, abusive people off your island.”

Who do we allow on our Isle? People we want close to us and who behave the way we need.

Who do we vote off our Isle? Remove anyone who won’t behave according to our standards.  I don’t mean only bullying spouses.  Our lives become much better when we use this general rule in all situations – with our toxic parents, relatives, adult children, friends, co-workers, bosses.

Physical violence is obvious, so our response is usually emphatic; “Go away!”  But the more covert, manipulative, sneaky, control-freaks are harder to detect.  Nevertheless, the same rule applies.  Test people’s behavior.  If they don’t stop bullying, vote them off our Isle.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

Covert, stealthy bullies always try to ram their agendas down our throats – with a smile, a laugh, a good excuse.  They say, “I know better, I’m right, I’m justified.”  Don’t pay much attention to the specifics of each excuse.  Instead, watch for the pattern of who they think is in charge and who casts the determining vote.  If they always want control, we know what we’re up against and we know we must vote them off our Isle.  Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t stop them.

They aren’t friends or even acquaintances, although we can be polite and firm while we’re setting our boundaries.

But what can we do about bad blood if we still feel the need to see those people sometimes? One couple I coached created a wonderful image.  They needed to protect both the physical and the emotional ecology of their Isle from a very toxic adult daughter.  In non-technical terms, the daughter was “crazy.”

She could be sweet one moment, but the next, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and throw an explosive, attacking, vicious temper tantrum.  She’d loudly curse and blame her parents for how bad she felt or what had happened to her.  It was all their fault, she’d yell, because they wouldn’t do exactly what she wanted them to do, every moment, even if her feelings or what she wanted changed in an instant.  In her rage, she’d even try to hit them.

The parents couldn’t trust their daughter.  Actually, they could trust that almost every time they saw her, the daughter would repeat a life-long pattern without warning or provocation.

The parents felt that they had to protect themselves and their much younger children from the older daughter, but they still felt bound to see the “crazy” daughter sometimes.

The image that worked for them was to imagine a long boardwalk from their Isle of Song leading out to a McDonald’s surrounded by a huge barbed-wire fence.  They could tolerate meeting her out there to have a burger once every three-four months.  But at the first signs of a blow up, they’d leave the McDonald’s, close the gate and their crazy daughter was stuck out there.  She could never get to their Isle and trash it with her emotional garbage.  And they’d never allow her to move back home.

That way, the parents could satisfy both values of seeing their daughter and of protecting the rest of the family.  They removed the interaction from their Isle both physically and emotionally.  That solution fit them.

We may be targets but we’re not victims! There are many situations in which we can fairly easily vote someone off our Isle and never interact with them again.  First dates are a good example.

There are also many situations in which we feel stuck by circumstances and choose to use the long boardwalk method to protect our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  We decide to interact with the bullies physically once in a while but we’ll protect ourselves.  We’ll always have a way home that we control.

Also, we’ll maintain an emotional distance.  We won’t take what they say or do personally.  We may be unable to stop them from trashing the ocean far away or trashing their own Isle, but we won’t let them trash our emotional Isle.

Some of these situations might be when we decide to care for bullying, nasty elderly relatives or we choose to continue trying to straighten out a child who isn’t old enough to throw out or we accept a rotten boss in a job we can’t or don’t want to leave or we choose to keep living next to jerk-y neighbors or our child may stay in a school that has a special program even though the officials tolerate bullying.

Again, it’s our choice depending on the circumstance and what we want to do.

The key step in these situations is internal: to keep a spark alive in our hearts.  We know that we’re choosing to endure the pollution and noise for a finite time, but that in the end, we’ll get free and vote those people off our Isles of Song.

We can’t allow the worst of ourselves to trash our own Isle. That image can make clear the next steps in our personal development.

We live up to the standards required for anyone to be allowed to stay on our Isle. We develop strength, courage, determination, perseverance – grit.  We vote the selfish, narcissistic, insensitive parts of us off our Isle until those parts develop better ways of getting the wonderful things and feelings we want in our lives.  We become worthy of our own Isle.

Often that requires expert coaching to replace old, out-dated beliefs, attitudes, feelings and habits with new ones appropriate to our Isle.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can learn to command ourselves.  We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.

Stop Employees who Bully Workplace over 'Morale' Claims

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I say it depends. For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.  However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee, Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained her power by never being satisfied.

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I 

say it depends.

For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had

longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were

accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.

However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee,

Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

Post #63 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/25/workplace-bullying-and-harassment-recognize-common-techniques

-bullies-use/

Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/

Post #9 – BulliesBeGoneBlog This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/01/this-unhappy-employee-created-a-hostile-bullying-workplace/

Post #14 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/26/top-ten-ways-to-create-a-hostile-workplace/

Read more

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the

bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained

her power by never being satisfied.

Post #19 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all-boss http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/19/stop-verbal-abuse-by-a-know-it-all-boss/

Post #104 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Toxic Coworkers and Other Bullies http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/02/stop-toxic-coworkers-and-other-bullies/

Post #79 – BulliesBeGoneBlog You can’t Stop Bullying at Work with Employee Satisfaction Programs http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/07/03/you-cant-stop-bullying-at-work-with-employee-satisfaction-pro

grams/

Post #117 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies at Work: Control Freaks http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/05/04/stop-bullies-at-work-control-freaks/

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

Post #30 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/11/21/avoid-litigation-that-will-keep-you-awake-at-night/

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan

that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

Stop Bullying, Abuse: Say, "That's Enough!"

We’ve talked about the first two important steps to stop bullying, abusive spouses:

1. The first step toward freedom is to use experts’ checklists to recognize and label our spouses’ behavior as “bullying” and our demanding, controlling, narcissistic, abusive spouses as “bullies,” in order to generate our own power.  We may use that power to re-enter fights with renewed vigor and a new sense that we’re right.
2. The second step toward our bright future is to ask our inner expert.  We ask ourselves, not if they’re bullying, but if we don’t like what they do.  We know what we like and don’t like; we know how much we like or hate it; we know what we’re willing to compromise about or put up with and what we’re not.  Begin with our judgment and act on that judgment.  Since we know what we want, we don’t have to change bullies or get them to agree or get their permission.  We simply test them to see if they’ll act the way we want.

Each step in the sequence gives us more inner power, strength and courage to do what we need to do; to stand firm on the standards of behavior we’ll allow on our island.

There’s a third step in which we take charge of our personal space and our future.

Yes, when we label them as bullies we stop forgiving, excusing, accepting justifications; we stop begging, appeasing, bribing; we stop thinking that reasons, logic, unconditional love, forgiveness or the Golden Rule will cure them; we stop hoping and pretending that they’ll suddenly see themselves as we see them and they’ll change; we stop negative self-talk and self-bullying.  Instead, we fight to protect our emotions and spirits from further destruction.

But many bullies, especially stealthy, covert, manipulative, controlling bullies, love to fight.  They win when they keep us engaged in fighting because they’ll never give in.  For us, it’s a fight for our souls; for them it’s a fight to the death.

Here are two examples of women with demanding, bullying, abusive, controlling, philandering husbands who made that third step and then chose different tactics.

For years, Maria and Jean had tried everything they could think of to change their husbands.  They’d tried every expert method, every friend’s advice, every magic trick, every way they could think of to become perfect wives, every form of therapy but their husbands hadn’t changed.  Well, maybe those spouses had become little more tricky in their justifications.  But their spouses didn’t change their behavior.

Through personalized coaching, both women reached the point of saying, “That’s enough!”  Actually something deep within both of them shifted completely.  They were released from the need for debates, arguments and therapy; from reasons excuses and justifications; from fighting about who was right about their husbands’ behavior.

You know how you can bend a paper clip back and forth many times and you can still make it hold paper.  But one bend too many and it snaps, and you can’t ever glue it back together again.  It’s broken irreversibly.  That’s what happened.  They snapped.  The need to keep trying had snapped.  That’s enough! They were done.

That happened to Maria and Jean.  They were done with hoping their husbands would change, they were done with looking for exactly the right words to say or with trying to be good enough to deserve good treatment; they were done with debating, arguing and therapy.

They were now acting on their own gut standards and for the benefit of their hearts and souls.  That’s real power.  Gone were their begging doubt, hesitation, self-questioning, negative, self-bullying self-talk, insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Now they focused on behavior – and they took different paths that fit each of them.

Jean said, “I’ve gotten divorce papers.  If you behave in that rotten way, I’ll file them.  But if you behave in the nice way I want, I’ll hold off until the kids grow up and leave home.  Then we’ll see what we’ll see.  If you’re nice for a while but fall back into the old patterns, I’ll immediately file; no more chances.” Her study is included in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Maria took a different path.  She felt that her husband’s behavior was way over the top and he was setting a bad example for their son.  Also, if she stayed, she’d be setting a bad example for her daughter.  So she divorced him.

Both of their husbands tried to continue debating and arguing, citing experts and friends and family, who asked if the wives had done enough, if maybe they’d tried more or if maybe they fixed what was wrong with them, the men would finally change.

Both Maria and Jean had the same answer from their guts.  “Those thoughts, ideas and possibilities don’t matter anymore.  I’m done.  I’ve had enough.  I’m not wasting my time in talk anymore.  I love him but I’m done with him.  It’s over.  Maybe I’ll find love somewhere else.”

They both felt a surge of power, confidence and esteem at having acted based on their opinions, gut feelings and desires.  Both had taken charge of their personal spaces and their futures. Both worked hard to make their choice as good as possible for their children.  Both were successful.

The hardest part for Maria was to deal with friends and family who, for their own personal reasons, tried to convince her of what they wanted her to do.  They wanted to judge and debate in order to convince her that what they thought was, indeed, right.  She finally had to tell them that the subject was off limits.  They’d already expressed their opinions.  Now, if they wanted to be with her, they had to stop.

The key to both successful lives was in following the internal shift – the gut that said, “That’s enough!”

Notice, that’s the same step the most successful people take when they have toxic parents, toxic children or toxic relatives.

Be wary of these business animals

Lion tamers and snake handlers can be great entertainment. But taming the wild beasts in your own work office is no fun. It’s something you have to do, however, if they’re preventing your team meetings from being productive. If they’re on your team, you must control, channel or remove these destructive beasts:

To read the rest of this article from The Charlotte Business Journal, see: Be wary of these business animals http://www.bizjournals.com/charlotte/print-edition/2011/08/12/be-wary-of-these-business-animals.html

None of these people are interested in moving the team ahead, despite their protests to the contrary. They’re more interested in running their own processes, no matter what happens. They want the strokes they give themselves when they act like the beasts they are. They feel superior.

When cornered, beasts can be vicious and deadly. The longer you try to be a kindly therapist or educator, the more they’ll infect your whole team and stab you in the back in front of your superiors. These people aren’t stupid. They simply have their own agendas, which are more important to them than the team’s goals.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching can help you make a plan that fits you and your situation.

Stop Bullying, Abuse: Be Your Own Expert

When we follow experts’ checklists, and we recognize and label our spouses’ behavior as “bullying” and our demanding, controlling, narcissistic, abusive spouses as “bullies,” we generate our own power.  We may use that power to re-enter the fight with renewed vigor and a new sense that we’re right. But many bullies, especially demanding, controlling, narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, abusive spouses, will not be convinced to change by our experts or our internal power.

There’s a better way.

Bullying spouses will often get their own experts or friends or mothers to say that our experts are wrong.  Their experts will say, “Our spouses are in the normal range and it’s our fault that they’re acting the way they do.  We made them do it.”

Also, many bullies like to debate, argue and fight forever.  They never concede a point or give ground.  No matter how many experts we get to prove that they’re bullies, they won’t change.  They expect to wear us down.  We can see how that argument can go around and around forever.

The fundamental problem with that approach is our willingness to debate and argue because outside experts tell us that we’re right or that we’ve been wronged, and, therefore, our spouses should change.

The better course, the winning way is to ask our inner expert. We ask ourselves, not if they’re bullying us, but simply whether we like or don’t like what they do.  We know what we like and don’t like; we know how much we like or hate it; we know what we’re willing to compromise about or put up with and what we’re not.

We begin with our judgment and act on that judgment. The fundamental and true justifications for what we do are “I want to” and “I don’t want to.”  Not necessarily as a snap judgment, but as a source of energy and power.  Later, we supply a thin coating of logical reasons to make people think we’re rational.

We’re acting on our own standards and for the benefit of our heart and soul – and probably for our kids also.  That’s real power.  Since we know what we want, we don’t need to change our spouse or get our spouse to agree or give permission.  Gone are doubt, hesitation, self-questioning, negative, self-bullying self-talk, insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

A declaration of what we want or don’t want is unassailable by outside experts.  We know right away that any who tries to talk us out of what we want by saying, “That’s dumb.  That’s crazy.  That’s silly.  That’s unreasonable.  That’s selfish.  That’s arrogant.  That’s too demanding.  That’s not loving,” is not a person we want to keep as a lover, friend or relative.

Acting because we want to is more than enough justification. Acting as our own expert, on our own best judgment, because we want to is how we take charge of our present and future.

Instead of thinking we need to prove or justify something according to our spouse’s logic, we’re now testing our spouse.

• We say what we will never tolerate and what we must have.
• We say what we want and don’t want strongly, and how many chances we’re giving.
• We say what we’re willing to negotiate or to give, and what we must have in return – and how many chances.

This technique is detailed in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.

Don’t pay attention to objectors or inner objections:

• Anyone who tries to talk us out of our standards.
• Anyone who says we’re mean, selfish, not understanding, unforgiving, unloving or a demanding bully.
• Anyone who demands, threatens or tries to control or coerce us to change.
• Our own feeling that we love our spouse so much we can never leave.
• Our thoughts that we need to be perfect or to honor a commitment we made before we knew the real cost of what we were buying.

We can’t let our feelings ruin our future.  We’ll fall in love again with someone even better.

Given our standards, is our spouse willing to act in a way that we’ll allow them to stay on our island or will we vote them off?  It’s our island and we’re the only one who votes.

It’s that clear and simple even though the specific action plan will have to be adjusted depending on the situation – money, kids, relatives, culture, etc.

But what if we’re wrong or too picky? On the one hand we do know that experts are wrong.  For example, expert advice for the best way to parent has changed every few years during my lifetime.  There are no guarantees.

On the other hand, we might make a mistake.  So what?  We are learners.  The more we listen to our inner expert, the more expert it will become and the more it will help us.  We’re not children any more.  It’s better to follow our own path than be ruled by parents, spouses or experts.

This choice is wonderfully illustrated in the Daniel Day-Lewis movie version of “The Last of The Mohicans”.

British Major Duncan wants Cora to marry him.  Her father wants her to marry him.  But Cora hesitates.  Cora is thinking about breaking away from the cage of her upbringing.   She tells him of her hesitation.

Duncan says, “Why not let those whom you trust, like your father, help settle what is best for you.  In view of your indecision, you should rely on their judgment and mine.  Will you consider that?”

At first she’s not sure, but later she sees a side of Major Duncan she would never let herself live with.  She tells Duncan, “I have considered your offer.  The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.  My answer to you must be, ‘No.’”

She will follow her own judgment, not theirs.  She will not let those “experts” rule her life.

Be brave.  We can get help to access the expert within us and learn to trust our inner expert.  We can act because we want to and be the hero of our lives.

Take Power: Recognize and Label Bullying Spouses

People often wonder if they’re being bullied, controlled or abused by their spouses.  They want experts to help them recognize the signs and give them an educated, experienced opinion so they’ll have a new weapon in the next round of the endless battle.  That’s a useful tactic but the major benefits are not what most people think. In addition to overt threats and violence, some criteria that we’re facing bullying, controlling or abusive husbands or wives are:

1. After marriage or kids, they changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
2. They make the rules; they control everything.  We feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
3. Their standards rule – our “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”  Their sense of humor is the right one.
4. They isolate us.
5. They control us with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips.  They use the opinions other people who agree with them – their friends, their parents – to justify what they do.
6. They don’t take our kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop.  They take our self-control as an invitation to bully us more.
7. They’re willing to argue forever and never admit that they have to change.  Whenever we make a good point, they attack on a different subject.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

1. They think they know best about everything.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps us along.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.
4. They’re more important than we are.
5. They think their rules should rule.
6. Everyone is a pawn in their game.
7. They think their excuses should excuse them.

Both lists are phrased as “They,” but really – we give in; we let them win.  We’re the ones who think good reasons or arguments, more understanding, begging, bribery, appeasement, forgiveness, unconditional love or the Golden Rule will work if we try hard enough.  We’re the ones who think we’re wrong if we give up on someone.

The major, but usually overlooked, benefit in recognizing and labeling the patterns of behavior as “bullying” and the person as a “bully” is that it’s a powerful label.

1. Indeed, many men women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”
2. But when we label what’s happening as “bullying,” the unknown terror no longer seems so overwhelming; it’s reduced in size as the light of a strong label shines on their behavior.  Our shame, guilt, doubt and hesitation decrease.  Our self-bullying, negative self-talk decreases.
3. Our spirit rises up; we feel energized and empowered to fight back.  Our will, determination and dedication are strengthened.  Our courage, perseverance, endurance and resolution are engaged.  We won’t quit any more and temporary defeats don’t defeat us for long.
4. We take charge of our attitudes and feelings, and increase our self-confidence and self esteem.  In so doing, we take charge of our actions and our future.  We gain clarity about our goals and seek personalized coaching to develop a plan and carry it out.
5. Once we know what we’re up against, we look for information, skills and help.  We feel more powerful when we re-enter the fight.

In the next article, we’ll talk about an even better tactic than taking the strength we gain from using the words “bullies” and “bullying” into battle as our shield and sword.

Stop Mean Girl School Bullies

Mean girls, like mean guys, can make middle and high school a wounding, scarring misery for many kids. We’d expect elementary school friendships to change as girls develop different interests in boys, studies, athletics, music, art and science at different rates – especially interests in boys.  We’d expect old friends to drift apart.

But the verbal, mental and emotional consequences of put-downs, teasing, taunting, cutting-out, ganging up, harassment, hazing, bullying and abuse can be devastating.  Scars can last a lifetime.

Alicia and Cory were best friends for years but in middle school, Cory changed.  She became boy-crazy and Tammy became her best friend.  Alicia wasn’t interested in boys at that time so she and Cory started drifting apart.  Nothing unusual or wrong with that.

But Tammy made it a problem.  She and few friends targeted Alicia and insisted that if Cory wanted to be Tammy’s “best friend,” Cory had to join in the attacks on Alicia.  Cory didn’t resist.  As soon as Cory gave in, Tammy upped the stakes and kept making Cory be more and more vicious in order to join the gang.

Alicia had never done anything bad to Tammy or to Cory.  Neither would talk with Alicia about why Tammy had singled her out.  Tammy was simply a bully; each year in school she aligned herself against a scapegoat who she used to rally a clique around her as a leader in devising more and more cruel attacks.  This year was simply Alicia’s turn.  Since nothing bad happened to Tammy during her years at school, she didn’t see any reason to stop.

When Alicia talked with Cory, Cory cried, but didn’t stop her attacks.

What can Alicia and her parents do?

1. Alicia didn’t talk about the bullying but her parents could tell there was something very wrong.  They dragged it out of Alicia.  They could understand Alicia and Cory’s different interests and growing distance, but they were appalled that an old friend was so vicious toward Alicia.
2. Alicia’s parents talked to a teacher who confirmed the level of abuse but said she was helpless because it was all verbal and the school had no policies or programs in place and her principal didn’t want the subject of bullying brought up.  The teacher also told them that Tammy’s parents had been spoken with the previous year for attacking a different girl, but since Tammy was winning and feeling good, her parents didn’t see any reason to stop her.  In the long-term, Alicia’s parents knew they had to fight for a strong anti-bullying program and probably a new principal but that didn’t help resolve the immediate problem.
3. Alicia’s parents knew Cory’s parents very well so they decided to talk with them.  They didn’t know Tammy’s parents so they did not approach them.  Cory’s parents were upset at their daughter, but after lengthy discussions they decided to minimize the bullying. They said that Alicia would have to deal and they were happy that Cory had gotten in to a popular crowd.
4. While Alicia’s parents were exploring other avenues, like talking to the district administrator, they knew that their immediate task was to help Alicia develop an attitude that would diminish the emotional hurt.  They knew that kids who took the put-downs to heart usually suffered all their lives.  More than the crying, loss of appetite, falling grades, sleepless nights, negative self-talk, anxiety, blame, shame and guilt, low self-confidence and self-esteem, and depression and maybe even suicidal tendencies often followed such relentless attacks.  Indeed, Alicia had begun to take the viciousness personally.  She wasn’t ugly but she wasn’t beautiful; she was skinny and she hadn’t started developing breasts yet; she was good-natured and social but not in the clique of the most popular girls.  She began to think that there must be something wrong with her because she was picked on and didn’t know how to fight back – being nice, appeasement and following the Golden Rule hadn’t helped.  Since the adults didn’t protect her, she thought that maybe there really was something wrong with her and she’d be a loser and alone all her life.  Her parents and family loved her but maybe, she thought, in the outside world, she’d be victimized for life.
5. Alicia’s parents decided to focus on helping her turn around her thinking.  She had thought that since she was evidently failing Cory and Tammy’s tests for friendship, she must be doing something wrong and there was something wrong with her.

The big shift came when Alicia decided that she was really testing them.  She decided that there was nothing wrong with her; Tammy, Cory and their friends were simply jerks.  She decided that Cory, Tammy and the others were stupid and insecure, and needed to put someone down in order to feel good.  And that her old friend Cory was especially weak and ignoble.  They had failed Alicia’s test of who she wanted to be friends with.  She didn’t want to be friends with people who acted that way.

Alicia was not one to fight back with fists, arguments or even sarcasm.  The tactic that fit her personality and comfort zone was simply to mutter “jerks,” laugh with scorn and walk away with her head held high.  And she remained laughing and happy because she knew who the losers were.  While that infuriated Tammy, Cory and the others, there were a number of other girls who responded to Alicia’s attitude of confidence and self-esteem, and to her smile and good cheer.  She slowly collected her own clique of friends.

Alicia also built a mental movie of a future in which she was loved and had a loving family.  She could see that she looked like her mother, who’d married her handsome father and that they loved each other.  She had hope that she could also do as well.  Therefore, she also judged the boys who circled around Tammy and Cory as jerks.  She knew they weren’t good enough for her.  Her self-esteem and confidence grew.  Other kids noticed that she seemed more secure and sure of herself.  Since she was nice and friendly, many wanted to be friends with her.

Alicia also realized that she would not want to be friends later in life with most of those middle school kids.  As much as they had seemed important to her before, she decided that she’d make her own life, following her own interests so any middle school friends were probably temporary.  That took much of the sting out of Tammy and Cory’s continuing scorn and harassment.

What Alicia’s parents did to try to rally the principal and district administrator is a different story.  Typically, when harassment or abusive behaviors, and bullies are tolerated at a school they do not remain as isolated incidents, they become typical patterns of behavior.  Therefore, there were many other kids in Alicia’s position of being harassed and targeted by other bullies.  But how Alicia’s parents rallied them is also a different story.

The important story here is that through personalized coaching, Alicia started a life of testing the world.  She took charge of her attitudes and feelings, increased her self-confidence and self esteem, and changed her life for the better.  In so doing, she took charge of her actions and her future.

To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself

We grow up testing ourselves; “Are we good enough?  If not it’s our fault.  Did we succeed; we still could have done more.  Did we fail; it’s our fault.”  Testing ourselves is a motivation strategy, “Figure out what’s wrong with us and improve it.”  And behind it is the hidden message, “We’re defective and we’d better work at improving and perfecting ourselves every minute or no one will want us and we’ll fail.” The strategy may work for us when we’re children, but it’s self-defeating when we’re adults.

We do grow up; we do get free of our families; we do get jobs, lovers, our own children.  That seems to prove that the self-testing strategy works.  Since we’re obviously still a long way from being good enough, so we’d better keep questioning ourselves in order to improve.

However, when we become adults, the strategy of always testing ourselves, always finding fault with ourselves guarantees failure.  It stimulates guilt, shame, anxiety, sleepless nights and negative self-talk.  And it destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It’s self-destructive, self-bullying.

For evidence, we can look back at our failed relationships.

Think of the times we went with someone when we knew it wasn’t going to work because we had to give up what we wanted, we had to change in order to make another person happy.  We kept asking, “Are we good enough to be liked, to be wanted, to be loved?”  But that didn’t last.

The message of the self-testing strategy is that if only we’d tried hard enough, we could have changed enough to make the relationship work the way the other person wanted.  Then we feel more guilty, more unworthy and we think we have to work harder to change our bad characteristics or personality.

And if we can’t change a pattern, that means we have a great and permanent defect, an evil place inside of us, maybe too much ego, and we’re doomed to fail forever.  And that feeds a vicious cycle:

• Low self-confidence and low self-esteem --> so we give up ourselves even more --> we pick the wrong people and try to please them by doing what they want --> we fail once again and feel even worse --> our self-confidence and low self-esteem plummets -->…

In addition to failed loves, the same pattern exists for many failed friendships we tried to maintain with the wrong people.

So what can we do to find love and relationships that fit?

Instead of testing ourselves, we can test the world.

1. Act like we are and set high standards for behavior we want. We’re reasonably good, nice, decent people.  Therefore, in addition to participating in the other person’s activities, ask the other person to participate in ours.  Don’t justify our standards.  Be behaviorally specific.  Ask for more than vague words like “kindness, respect, appreciation, love.”  Simply say, “No yelling, no hitting, no threatening, no relentless sarcastic blaming, no controlling, no public humiliating, no demanding perfectionism.  Instead, speak softly, negotiate about what we do, give in and do what I want sometimes for no reason, keep disagreements private and my sense of humor counts.”  We can fill in the rest of our lists from what we got or didn’t get in previous relationships.
2. To increase confidence and self-esteem, test the other person. If they act the way we want, they can come a step closer.  If they don’t, we move them a step further away.  If they’re relentless boundary pushers or they violate one of the big boundary lines, “one strike and they’re out.”  Notice who has control of the distance; we do.
3. “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore said that decades ago.  I agree.  We were told that if we insist on our high standards and what we want, we’ll end up alone.  “The only way to get someone is to lower your standards.”  Nonsense.  Of course, in all relationships we make agreements and we don’t always get our way, but we must not lower our important standards.

Now that we’re adults, now that we’ve been in and out of relationships in which we gave up our true selves, we’ve learned that we’ll never get the love we want if we fill our space with inappropriate, abusive bullies.  We’ll never get what we need if we give up on ourselves.  We’ll only get what we need, we’ll only find someone who loves us for ourselves if we act like ourselves and test the other person to see if they like that.

Of course the other person has free will also.  They can stay or leave if they want.  But if they leave because they don’t want to live up to our standards or they think we’re incompatible, we have to get over the emotional pain and be thankful that our isle is clear for someone else who wants to be with us as we are.

Only one of many examples: A homely, awkward girl with a wonderful personality and spirit.  Of course, during high school and college she was rejected by all the boys who were looking for cheerleaders.  As much as she wanted to be wanted, she knew in her heart that she didn’t want jerks like that and she wasn’t going to abandon herself in order to please one. Then she met someone who was worthy of what she wanted.  And wonder of wonders, he was hot for her, body and soul.  They’re still enthralled with each others’ unique greatness and with their fit with each other.

How can we improve if we’re not always testing ourselves?  It’s simple, although not necessarily easy.  We know when we haven’t lived up to our standards, when we’ve done or not done something we should have.  We don’t have to beat ourselves up in order to apologize, make amends and do better next time.  We simply dedicate ourselves to that task.

So we mustn’t give up on ourselves.  Test other people; some will stay and some will leave of their own accord. The real power is in our making our choice; who do we want to send away and who do we want to keep on our isle of song?  Only then will it truly be our isle and our song.

If you need personalized coaching to maintain your strength and courage, your determination and dedication, call me at 303-458-6616.

Stop Bullies: Support Good Behavior, not Bad Blood

Many people wrote and called for coaching after last week’s post, “Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way.”  Although their circumstances varied, their fundamental hesitation was the same: “How can I defend the behavioral standards I want if that means angry confrontations with my blood relationships?” Some common situations were:

• A bullying spouse.
• A bullying teenager.
• Sometimes parents or other biological relatives, sometimes in-laws and sometimes step-parents, who are nasty, demanding, degrading, brutal and abusive.
• Relatives, sometime biological, sometimes in-laws and sometimes step-parents, who reject, demean and even hit the callers’ children.  These tyrannical, sarcastic relatives call the kids losers, compare them unfavorably to siblings, cousins and ancestors who turned out bad (“You’re just like so-and-so”) and demean and degrade the kids relentlessly.

All the callers recognized that continued, long-term exposure to those bullies would destroy their own and their children’s self-confidence and self-esteem.  They could see how the bullying was causing sleepless nights, anxiety, nail-biting, discouragement, negative self-talk and even depression.  Their children’s school work suffered.  They could see their children either being beaten into submission or adopting bullying as their own strategy for success.  So why didn’t the adults act?

Some were afraid of the economic consequences of resisting spouses, parents or grandparents with money.  Some were afraid the bullying would increase.

However, most were afraid that if they objected to such treatment of themselves or of their children, they would split the family into warring groups or have the whole family turn against them.  Most were embedded in cultures that reinforced the idea that “family is family” and “blood is the most important thing.”  Most thought it was morally wrong to say “No” to elders or relatives.

They had tried everything they could think of: understanding, reasoning, sweet-talk, begging, bribery, appeasement, the Golden Rule and threats but nothing had been effective in changing the bullying behavior.

So they were stuck, knowing they were tolerating bullies and behavior that was harming them and their children.

Their hope was that I could provide a magic technique to convert those adult bullies into nice, sweet, kindly relatives; the loving, caring, concerned relatives they thought they’d have.

But they had already tried all the “magic wand” techniques and discovered that those family bullies wouldn’t change.  After all, from the bullies’ perspective, why should they change?  They’d gotten away with being abusive, demanding bullies for years; they got their way so why change?  They were beyond appeals to conscience or to considering the feelings they were hurting.

I’ve seen bullies like that have near-death experiences due to cancer or accidents, and still resist changing.  They’ve mastered brutality as a strategy to get what they want from life.  By now, it’s all they know.

In my long experience, each successful client had to face a difficult choice and make a different one then they had before.

They had to support good behavior instead of bad blood.

They had to change their inner questions from, “How can I fit in?” or “How can I do what I’m supposed to?” to a question of “What behavior will I allow toward my children or in my space, no matter who the perpetrator is?”

They had to insist on good behavior toward themselves and their children, even if that meant challenging the previously rotten family dynamic.  They had to become models of the actions they were preaching to their children.

The first step in creating a bully-free personal space is always for us to rally our spirits; to become strong, brave, determined and persevering.  Endurance endures.  Then we can make effective plans, take skillful steps and get the help we need.

We can begin a little soft, but bullies inevitably force us to become firm.  Sometimes that meant denying the perpetrators access to their children.  Sometimes that means leaving when the bullying starts.  Sometimes that means standing alone and being a scapegoat.  But often, when we insist on good behavior, many members of the family will also step up to the higher standards; they’ve simply been waiting for someone to take the lead.

In all cases, we have to fight the culture we’re embedded in.  Plans have to be developed that fit the specific situations we’re in: are spouses on the same page, how bad is the economic dependence, how far away do we live?

But in all cases, we must hold out to ourselves and our children a better culture, in which people behave with caring, kindness and respect to each other.

We have to overcome our fears that we’ll be alone; fears that in the end, the only people who stand by us are family, so we have to pay the high price it costs to maintain relationships.  However, we’ll discover that by clearing brutality out of our space, we’ll open up space for people we want to be with.

Review the case studies of Carrie, Jean, Doug, Kathy, Jake and Ralph facing different family bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.  Many times, when faced by our firmness, family bullies will give in.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way

I was at a wedding and a funeral last week.  Really; not a movie.  And the people were fine. But I was reminded of all the times I’ve been at big family events when some selfish, narcissistic, abusive, controlling, bullying family member demanded that they get their way or they’d make a scene, make everyone miserable and ruin either the celebration festivities or the solemnity.  They knew what was best and we’d better do it.

Think of the relatives at all the special occasions – weddings, funerals, births, vacations and holidays.  The relatives who get drunk and insist they be allowed to ruin the event; the arrogant jerks who think they own all the attention and air in the place; the nasty, greedy; jealous, vicious-tongued vindictive; the narcissistic, smug, righteous know-it-alls.

Think of the people who take over all the events because they want to.  Whatever supposedly logical reasons, excuses and justifications they offer each time, I notice the pattern.

Even though they’re not the important person at the event, they always have to get their way or else.  They’re not the bride or groom, they’re not giving birth, they’re not graduating, they’re not getting baptized, confirmed or bar mitzvah-ed; they’re not the host or planner; they’re not the person dying.  They’re not even the turkey on the table, although I sometimes entertain fantasies of having a sharp carving knife in my hand.

Did I cover all the bases of your experience also or do you have a few other ones?

These bullies always think they’re right.  And they’re willing to argue and fight longer, harder and louder to get their way, than anyone else, especially over what we think is trivial and a waste of time.  And they let you know that they’ll retaliate and make us regret resisting them for the rest of our lives.  They’ll bad-mouth, criticize and put us down in front of everyone forever.  And the scene is our fault, not theirs.  They want us the walk on egg shells around them.

So what can we do?

1. Typically, we find reasons to turn the other cheek. We try to rise above, ignore, look away, appease, understand, excuse because that’s just the way they are or tolerate them for the duration of the event.  Typically we give them what they want because we don’t want to be judgmental or we’re too polite to make a scene or we think that if we follow the Golden Rule, they’ll be nice in return.  I think that tactic is good to try but only once.  Anyone can have one bad day and try to feel better by taking control.  But real bullies and boundary pushers simply take our giving them their way as permission to act more demanding.  As if they think they’re powerful and everyone is too weak to resist them.  Like sharks to bloody prey, they go for more.  And it’s always the people who can’t or won’t protect themselves – the weaker, younger, more polite, more bereft ones – who suffer the most when we leave them unprotected.
2. Instead, be a witness, not a bystander. Recognize that we’re being bullied and abused.  Be willing to get out of our comfort zones to take care of the important people.  The first time the person bullies, we can take them aside and tell them privately, in very polite and firm words, to “shut up.”  But these control-freaks have demanded their ways for years so we know what’s going to happen.  Ignore their specific reasons, excuses and justifications.  Typically, we give them power because we fell sorry for them, we’re too polite to make a scene and, after all, they’re family.  We give them power because they’re more willing to make a scene and act hurt and angry, and walk away.  We give them power because they’re willing to destroy the family if they don’t get their way, but we’re not.  Take back our power.  Be willing to make a scene; to disagree, threaten or throw someone out.  Find allies beforehand and stand shoulder to shoulder.  We may not change their behavior, but that’s the only way we have a chance of enjoying the events.

For some success stories, see the studies of Carrie and Kathy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Although I usually think of the older generation of “demanders,” but let’s not forget the spoiled brats encouraged by their indulgent or defeated parents to demand all the toys, bully the other kids and violate all the rules.  Or the surly teenagers, the toxic adult children, the bullying spouses or self-centered friends.  Or the oafs and abusers of power at work.

Don’t be bullied.  We need an expert coach to help us design plans that fit our specific situations. Be brave.  Step up and be the hero of your life.

Teachers' Unions Don't Protect Kids from Bullies

The Teachers’ union is clear: since dues are paid by teachers, not by kids or parents, the union’s job is to protect and increase teachers’ salaries and seniority. I love good teachers.  I come from a family of teachers.  My life has been crucially enriched by teachers.  I teach.

But I won’t support the teachers’ unions focus only on salary and seniority.  There’s something simple the union can do to protect its own members and to get my support.

There’s a war going on in schools and in legislatures right now over bullying.  Should we take strong steps to stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse despite problems in writing good laws, in developing strong policies, in promoting effective programs and in protecting strong principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullies?

I’m calling out union officials and leaders who have wrung their hands in despair because no one is protecting teachers.  What percent of your lobbying dollars have gone into promoting laws, policies and programs to stop bullies?  How come the union doesn’t organize teachers to picket at legislatures that are considering laws to stop bullying?  Have you see teachers parading with signs saying, “Protect students and teachers.  We need laws to stop bullies”?  How many television ads and letter writing campaigns have the union funded to promote clear action by legislators and school districts; and to remove ones that tolerate bullies? How many more murders and suicides will it take to convince the teachers’ union that its best interests lie in fighting for strong laws?

If I was a teacher in the union, I wouldn’t pay dues to an organization that supposedly represents my best interests but leaves me out to dry because there are no laws or policies to protect me when I challenge bullies and their protective parents.

It’s that simple for me.  When the union takes on the bullies and their parents, I’ll support the union in its other efforts.  I’m in good company.

Stop School Bullies: Organize This Summer

If you worry that your child will be bullied in school next school year, but you don’t know what to do until bullying happens again in September, you’re missing a golden opportunity this summer.  Summer is the best time to organize in order to protect your children on day-one. Seven tips for what you can do this summer:

1. Don’t wait until there’s an incident or a history of incidents.
2. Organize parents to pressure legislators, district administrators and principals. This step is a crucial one.  A small group of parents supporting an anti-bullying program and pressuring district officials and principals can make a huge difference.  You don’t need all parents; you only need a small, core group to start with.
3. Make sure your district administrators and school principals have clear and strongly worded policies and programs to stop school bullies. Make sure they have emergencies procedures to institute swift and effective investigation and action.  Does the program start on day one?  What initial assemblies will be held with students? How will they be involved in on-going programs?  What training will teachers and all staff get to help them recognize and stop sneaky bullies?  How will hot-spots be monitored – buses, bathrooms, lockers, hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds?  What support will teachers and staff get to protect them from angry, bullying parents?  How will they deal with the first boundary pushers so that the message of zero-tolerance gets out?
4. Get police involved. Do they have a special unit to stop bullying, especially cyberbullying?  Do they speak at school assemblies?  Are they fearless in dealing with bullying parents of school bullies?
5. Stimulate media to publicize stories about the effects of bullying. Find reporters and producers who were bullied or have kids in school now; especially kids who have been targeted.  Help them find experts to interview.
6. Learn what constitutes evidence and how to document it. Learn how to support proactive principals.  Learn what you will need to do to motivate lazy, uncaring, colluding or cowardly principals.  Do you know what media and legal pressure will stimulate your principal to act?  Talk to a lawyer now so you’re prepared.
7. Publicize the policy and program before school starts. Organize parent-principal-teacher assemblies to gain buy-in to the school’s program and processes.  Encourage parents to educate their children about not bullying and about what to do when they witness bullying.

Don’t waste your time with nit-picky detractors and critics who have nothing better to offer.

Look at the price to all kids at a school where bullying is tolerated or condoned, or the friends of bullies are allowed to pile on to victims by threatening and abusing them or by cyberbullying.  We all know the consequences of not stopping bullies and of allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.

At schools that have a do-nothing principal or in which principals blame the victim and avoid the bully, kids’ inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience are threatened.  You have to be the one to demand that principals keep your children safe while officials try to ignore you or thwart your attempts.

Principals who avoid the issue make the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Organize this summer so your children will be protected from school bullies on day-one.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics appropriate to us and to the situation.

Rather than buy a packaged anti-bullying program that ends up buried in a storeroom, stimulate school and district officials to create their own, based on what will be effective for your specific school situation.  Expert consulting and coaching are necessary to implement an effective program.

Atlanta Teachers Cheat - Blame the Tests

Weaklings and whiners blame temptation and tempters.  That pattern of good reasons, best of intentions, and pathetic excuses and justifications to blame someone else is as old as apples and temptation.  It’s just as lame and weak now as it always was. According to Wall Street Journal articles, Beverly Hall was Superintendant of the Atlanta Public School District when at least 178 teachers have been accused of cheating to elevate student’s test scores en masse.  Administrators were also accused of “impeding the investigation, tampering with tests and intimidating teachers.”

Already, “82 of the 178 teachers and administrators implicated admitted to cheating.”  No examples of such cheating were found in rural schools.  Ms. Hall’s role is not yet clear.  The vast majority of Georgia teachers resisted the temptation to cheat and lie.

According to Kyle Wingfield, reporting for the Journal, “Many politicians and teachers have responded to the report by blaming the test and accountability measures like No Child Left Behind. This is exactly the wrong reaction: Atlanta shows us why public schools need more, not fewer, accountability measures.”  I agree.

Interim School District Superintendant Erroll Davis Jr. is cleaning house.  “At the same time, a former Atlanta deputy superintendent [Beverly Hall] agreed to go on paid leave from a Texas school district that hired her earlier this year.”

The dust will take a long time to settle.  I hope Ms. Hall’s lieutenants and all the other teachers involved spend time in prison and then find jobs in which they will not held out as role models to children trying to better themselves.  We count on teachers to be role models; to demonstrate the highest standards.

Let’s keep the focus on the overall issue – the reasons, excuses and justifications; the whining, complaining and blaming of bullies, abusers and criminals who want to blame temptation, not themselves.

The problem is not the “No Child Left Behind” mandate or standardized tests – although those aren’t perfect.

The problem is in individual humans who fail, who fall short of the standards they promised to uphold and then want to be left off the hook – no consequences, no punishment.

They used to say, “The Devil made me do it.  I had good reasons.  It’s not my fault and, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer.”  Now they say, “Society, the bad rules or system, too much pressure, my bad genes, my bad brain chemistry, my bad upbringing and childhood made me do it.  It’s not my fault, I’m a victim and, therefore, I shouldn’t have to suffer.”

Those are the same excuse used by men and women who bully, batter, control and abuse their dates or spouses.  They say, “It’s your fault I’m bullying you.  I can’t help myself.  It’s not my fault.”

Instead, let’s champion individual responsibility in the face of temptation – like all those teachers who resisted temptation.  All through history, in every culture at every time, temptation has been acknowledged as a fact of life.  And the need to overcome that temptation has been emphasized.  Of course we know we won’t always succeed.  Some temptations must be avoided in the beginning because we know once we start down a path; we won’t be able to turn back.

The fault is squarely on the heads and hearts of the elites who did not resist the temptation or report the weaklings who hurt all the students in their care.  The superintendent, the administrators and the teachers who colluded individually and en masse at cheating parties; the people who failed to fulfill their promise as keepers of children’s futures.

Lord Acton said, “absolute power corrupts absolutely,” as if it’s a foregone conclusion and we’re simply too weak to resist.

But Peter Parker’s uncle said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Like Spiderman, we all have to rise to our responsibilities.

Facebook Teams with Time Warner to Fight Bullies

The Associated Press and the Wall Street Journal report that, “Facebook and Time Warner are ganging up on bullies to address a problem that torments millions of children and young adults.  The partnership announced Tuesday calls for Facebook and Time Warner to use their clout to raise awareness about bullying and encourage more people to report the abuses when they see them.” They recognize the need.  Facebook also recognizes the economic problem if they allow massive amounts of bullying to flow through their pages.  Eventually parents will force their kids off Facebook or will start suing Facebook for carrying the content.

Their present effort (“Stop Bullying: Speak Up”) will be focused on educating parents and kids about the problem; on “teaching young people to speak up and stop bullying.”  A pledge not to bully plus Facebook’s effort to make reporting cyberbullying and cyberbullies easier are good steps.

But even the backing by the President Obama’s family won’t stop bullying unless there are laws, policies, programs, and people willing to prosecute bullies for their actions.

That’s why I’d like to see Facebook and Time Warner use their huge influence to pressure legislators to pass strong anti-bullying laws that require district administrators, principals and teachers to stop bullies and protect our kids.  That’s the only way to stop bullying-caused suicides.

The present educational efforts will sway many kids and their parents by sensitizing them to the issue and encouraging them not to be drawn into bullying by the truly relentless bullies.  But these sensitized kids will be encouraged to come forward if, and only if, responsible adults – school district administrators, principals and teachers – respond swiftly and firmly, and protect the kids who speak up.

If the responsible adults don’t step up by passing strong laws and by being willing to confront bullies and their bullying parents, the effort will be “all talk, no walk.”  Legislators must legislate so that principals will be protected in order for them to be proactive in observing bullying and stopping it.  If it’s all talk, the effort won’t survive the first month of school.

Programs that depend only on educating, converting or rehabilitating bullies don’t work.  Strong consequences are necessary deterrents.

As a parent, there’s a lot you can do this summer.  Don’t count on Facebook and Time Warner to do all the work to protect your children.  Don’t count on advertizing/educational campaigns to protect your children

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Teacher Watches Bullying: Not an Isolated Case

Newspaper videos show a suburban Dallas teacher watch one of his high school students get beaten by another student.  This was not an isolated incident.  That student was targeted for months.  Since Dallas doesn’t have a policy, teachers are on their own in deciding what to do.  In that environment, do you think that this is an isolated incident?  Not likely.  Is this only a problem for Dallas schools?  Not likely. I have a lot of sympathy for the teacher (even though he was a relatively large man) and even more for the target, who’d been turned into a victim by school-system adults who were irresponsible.  Don’t focus only on the teacher; focus on all the adults in the Dallas school system who abandoned that kid – from board members to principals and teachers and the teachers’ union.

Everyone involved in schools knows there’s a problem.  Everyone points fingers at everyone else but no one takes the obvious actions.  Why wait until there’s another killing or another suicide before they act?

Sometimes I get mad enough to want to see the bullies and the adults’ people’s pictures in the post office among the most wanted, or on television, so we can recognize the slackers when we see them at the supermarket.  Who do I fault?

• Legislators and school board members: How can they not have laws and policies?  I know there are lots of problems writing good laws and crafting effective policies, but if they’re not up to the task, resign and let us get some adults who can.  We all know that if their kids were targeted, they’d spring into action.
• The teachers’ union: I’m appalled that the union isn’t leading the fight (read, “spending their lobbying dollars”) to make legislators pass laws and school boards implement strong policies to empower and protect teachers when they intervene.  They have all the evidence they need to act.
• According to the article in the Dallas News, “Rena Honea, president of Dallas teachers association Alliance-AFT, says, ‘Teachers have intervened in the past.  They have been injured.  They have not been able to return to work.  They have been reprimanded for intervening.  So there is a huge question mark as to what's truly appropriate.  Teachers who have intervened in the past have found themselves on the ground, suffering from sometimes serious injuries, a 2008 story by Tawnell Hobbs found.  She found that assaults by students on Dallas ISD employees and volunteers had more than doubled over a 5-year span from 147 incidents in 2002-03 to 312 in 2006-07, according to district statistics.
• Of course, bullies don’t respect adults who don’t maintain lines of civil behavior.  Of course, bullies will attack people, even adults, they think can’t protect and defend themselves.
• Principals and teachers: They’re stuck, hanging out to dry on their own, unprotected by their employers (school boards) and by their union.  That teacher in Seagoville, Texas was risking his career and his personal life if he intervened.  The attacker could have beaten him.  The attacker and his parents could have sued him.  No one is protecting him.  He’s in a no-win situation.  How come the school district doesn’t have a clear, strong program that requires principals and teachers to act?
• The bully and his parents: Have his parents done anything to teach their child?  Has the kid never learned any better?  How come the parents haven’t come forward to apologize or ask the police to prosecute their child?  Are the adults in the school system so afraid of being sued that they’ve abandoned our children?

Harassing, bullying, abusing and beating kids are terrible acts.  Irresponsible adults who have good reasons, rationalizations, excuses and justifications for not intervening are even worse.  They convert targets into victims.

Targets can resist and get help from responsible adults.

Victims are unprotected, helpless and isolated.  When victims grow up:

• They tend to perpetuate the pattern of being victims in relationships and at work.
• They’re not resilient; the smallest adversity defeats them.
• Happiness is fleeting; bitterness and depression is their lot.  Anything good they get is never enough, never satisfying, never brings joy.
• They have no inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience.
• Their self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed.  Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated.  They move easily toward isolation, depression and suicide.

The next articles will deal with what we, as parents, can do to make sure this doesn’t happen to our children; especially what we can do during the summer.

But the general take-home for parents is that all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Being Judgmental: Do You Need More or Less? – Quick Quiz

Being judgmental has gotten a bad name and for good reasons. Our whole world has experienced the horror wrought by people who felt superior and righteous in destroying other people they thought were inferior or even non-human.  Also, in our personal lives, we’ve experienced the damage done by arrogant, righteous spouses, parents, relatives and others who always knew best and felt entitled to taunt, tease, harass, bully and abuse us or to cast us out.

However, it’s a mistake to use these examples of righteous people with poor judgment as proof that:

1. The process of making judgments is bad.  It’s not.  It’s necessary.
2. We should accept all perspectives and ways of living in the world as equal or as equally valid.  They’re not.

But that’s all abstract.  The real questions are whether we need to be more or less judgmental and which of our judgments are worth keeping and how.  Take the quick quiz.

Before you take the quick quiz, see “Being Judgmental” as having four parts:

1. Discerning; making judgments, estimating what the consequences of some action will be, deciding what we like and what we don’t like.
2. Deciding which ways of behaving are acceptable in our personal space.
3. Making these boundaries in our personal lives stick.
4. Getting righteous, indignant or angry when people do what we think is wrong or dumb, or when they don’t do what we think is right or good or best.

Understanding this process, we can now take the quick quiz to help us decide whether you’re being bullied and whether to be more or less judgmental and in which areas of our lives:

1. Do you ignore early warning signs and get stuck in situations that are painful?  Do you distrust your own judgment?
2. Do other people often tell you what’s right or what you should do?  Do you need to act more on your own judgment and listen less to other people?
3. Do you feel like other people or one other person runs your life or decides what you can or cannot do?  Do you accept harassment and bullying?
4. Does someone else have more control over your time, money, friends or activities?  Do you try to understand, compromise or give in but they don’t?  Are you anxious, stressed or afraid of what they might do?
5. Do you need to get angry before you act?  Do you often feel guilty or ashamed afterward?
6. Do people ignore, laugh, argue or avoid what you want when you insist that they act in certain ways in your personal space?  ?
7. Do people trample over your boundaries?  Do they get away with not changing?  Do you let them stay in your life?  Do they wear you down?  Is life an endless struggle?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions – if you feel bossed and controlled, if you get taken advantage of, if you’re the one who almost always gives in or tries to make peace, if you rarely get your way, if you have to justify everything you do or ask permission before you can do anything – then you’re not protecting yourself enough, you’re not being judgmental enough and you’re not acting based on what you know in your heart-of-hearts to be true.

If you answered “yes,” to most of these questions, you need to act firmly, courageously, strongly and skillfully on your own judgments.  You need to build your confidence and self-esteem.  You need to take power over your own actions, whether the other person likes it or not.

Many people ask, “But how do I know if I’m right or fair or normal in what I want?  How can I demand what I want when I’m not sure I deserve it or if I might be selfish?”

That way of thinking leads us no where.  That way of thinking puts us under the control of someone else who thinks they know better than we do.  There’s no chance for happiness down that path – only submission.

The path that has a chance of yielding happiness and joy and fulfillment is the path of being discerning, of having more and better judgments, and of making our judgments stick in our lives.

Getting angry, righteous and indignant are motivation strategies.  We typically generate those feelings to get ourselves angry enough to act.  The problem with that method of motivation is contained in “The Emotional Motivation Cycle” (See “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up).  This method usually isn’t effective long-term.

Instead, a better method is shown in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Trust the signals from our guts when they’re just at the level of irritation or frustration, and use the effective five-step process.  When we act based on that level of emotion, we’ll make better plans and carry them out more effectively.

That doesn’t tell us how to accomplish what we need; that doesn’t tell us how to get free from oppression we’ve previously accepted, but that tells us that we must.  All plans and tactics must be designed to fit us and our specific situation.  That’s why we need expert coaching and, maybe, legal advice.  But now we know the direction we must set in our lives.

Stop Bullies: Anger Management

Many bullies succeed in getting what they want by being angry.  Even if they don’t hit physically, they beat their targets verbally, mentally and emotionally.  And the threat of physical violence makes other people give in.  These bullies have enough control that they haven’t been arrested and sent to prison.  That’s why I think of their anger as a tactic. I’ve coached many of these bullies through the stage of anger management to finally ending anger and creating a different way of Being in the world.

But let’s focus here on what the spouses of these bullies can do in order to have bully-free lives.

For many of these bullies anger is a whole way of life.  Their rage is a tactic operating 24/7.  No matter what’s going on, no matter what we do to try to please them, they always find something to be angry about.  Any moment of peace is just the calm before the storm.

However these bullies got that way – and there are only a small number of typical scenarios – they mastered the use of anger years ago so it feels natural, like that’s who they are, like it’s their identity. They love “revving their engines.” They feel strong and powerful when they’re angry.  They always find good reasons and excuses to be angry, they always find people who are wrong and dumb in the news of the world or in their personal lives.  And they always focus on what’s wrong or dumb, and respond to it by getting angry and enraged.

If something in the moment isn’t worth getting angry about, they think of bad things that happened or that might happen so they can get angry.  Then they “kick the dog” – whoever happens to be around and does or says something wrong, or does or says nothing and that’s what’s wrong.  You or the kids think you’re having an innocent conversation when suddenly you’re attacked for being dumb, stupid, ignorant, wrong, insulting – or simply breathing.

The attack escalates into a listing of all your faults – which loser in the family you’re just like, you’ll always be a loser, you’re lucky to be alive and with them because you’d fail without them.  Their anger is never their fault; you’re always to blame.  Even if they don’t brutally beat you and the kids, the verbal and emotional abuse takes its toll.

Victims feel blame, shame and guilt.  Victims suffer anxiety, fear, frustration, panic and terror.  They lose self-confidence and self-esteem. They feel like they have to be perfect in order to deserve good treatment.  They feel isolated and helpless.  Targeted children often grow up with negative self-talk and self-doubt; they often move on to self-mutilation or rage and revenge of their own.  They often grow up playing out the roles of bully or victim in their marriages.

Seven tips to keep anger out of your personal space:

1. Don’t be an understanding therapist. Your understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t change or cure them.  And you’re not being paid as a therapist.  Those approaches simply prolong the behavior and the typical cycle of anger and rage, followed by guilt and remorse, followed by promises and good behavior temporarily, followed by the next episode of angry and rage.  Or the typical escalating spiral of anger, rage and self-righteous justification.  The reason the bullying continues is not that those bullies haven’t been loved enough; it’s that the behavior is a success strategy.  It’s never been stopped with strong enough consequences that the bully has enough reason to learn a new way of Being in the world.
2. Don’t minimize, excuse or accept justifications. See anger as a choice.  If you accept that anger is a normal or appropriate response to what they’re angry at, if you accept that anger or any emotion is too big to manage (e.g., that they’re in the grips of something bigger than themselves) them you’re right back to “the devil made me do it.”  That’s the same excuse, even though the modern words for “the devil” are heredity, brain chemistry, what their parents did to them, how they never learned better.
3. The best thing you can do to help both of you is to have consequences that matter. That’s the only way to stimulate change.
4. Face your fears. Don’t be defeated by defeat.  Protect yourself.  Be a good parent and model for yourself and your children.  Emotional control – control of moods, attitudes and actions – and focus of attention are the first things we all must learn.  These bullies haven’t learned.  Lack of success in this area gets big, painful consequences.
5. Make your space anger-free. You and the children are targets, not victims.  Their anger is not your fault.  Dedicate yourself to protecting yourself and the children.  Decide that only behavior counts, not psychoanalysis.  Clear your space.  Don’t give an infinite number of second chances.  Either they leave or you and the kids leave, depending on the circumstances.
6. Promises no longer count. The lesson for your children is that when we’re very young, we get by on a lot of promises and potential, but when we become older than about 10, only performance counts.  Let these bullies learn to practice changing on other people’s bodies.  How much time do you need before you become convinced that they’ve faced a lot of potential triggers and mastered a different way of dealing with them?  A year?  Two?  Three?  Forever?  Do this because you want and need to in order to have a chance at the happiness you want, in order to have a chance to find people who treat you the way you want.
7. Be smart and tactical. Of course, the longer you’ve known them, the harder it will be.  Dump angry jerks on the first date; don’t hook up with them.  Get legal advice.  Get help and support.  Get witnesses.  Don’t listen to people who want you to be a more understanding therapist.  File for divorce.  Get custody of the children.  Get the police on your side.

Post #176 – How to Know if You’re Bullied and Abused

Men aren’t the only angry bullies.  We all know about angry, vicious women on dates or in marriage.  There are clichés about venomous wives and mothers-in-law because there are so many.  Everything I’ve said applies to them also.

Many people still have friends that use anger to control interactions.

At work, angry, bullying bosses and co-workers are also clichés because there are so many.  Anger often succeeds at work.  Both the feeling of power and the success at making people do what bullies want function as aphrodisiacs.  And the addiction must be fed.

Be strong nside.  Ask for what you want.  You’ll get what you’re willing to put up with.  So only put up with good behavior.

All tactics are situational so expert coaching is required.  We’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of people commanding themselves, stopping bullying and getting free.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

How to Know if You're Bullied and Abused

Many coaching clients call me saying, “Since he didn’t beat me physically, I didn’t realize I was being bullied and abused.  At least, not until I read your articles.  Is it too late for me?  Can you help me?”  Of course, since you’ve made it this far, it’s not too late, although it may take a lot of effort. But let’s look at what’s behind the idea that we don’t know if we’re being bullied and abused unless we’re being physically beaten.

Using some typical early warning signs, we might recognize controlling husbands or wives even if they don’t hit:

1. He changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
2. They make the rules; they control everything.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”
4. They isolate you.
5. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips.
6. They don’t take your kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop.  They take your passivity as an invitation to bully you more.

It’s the same at work, at school and in romance.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

1. They think they know best about everything.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.
4. They’re more important than you are.
5. They think their rules should rule.
6. Everyone is a pawn in their game.
7. They think their excuses should excuse them.

Indeed, many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”

The underlying problem for people who don’t know if they’re being bullied or abused is that when we use a definition or standard that’s on the outside of us the definition doesn’t include all situations or the standards aren’t relevant to us or we’re never certain if our judgment is accurate.  Using an arbitrary, external standard is like using a quick quiz of twenty questions in a magazine to see if we’re bullied, abused, in love, truly compatible, a good person, likely to succeed…or anything else.  External standards aren’t the right place to look.

The hidden assumptions behind that way of thinking are that:

1. Outside standards and definitions are crucial.  We depend on other people, maybe so-called experts, to tell us what’s right and normal and true.
2. We can’t act until we’re sure that we or they are in some category as defined by those external standards.  That is, unless we’re sure the other person is a bully we’re not allowed to act.  Or we can’t act until we’ve tried everything to help them change.  Or until we’re sure it’s not our fault, we don’t deserve the treatment, it’s his fault and we’re victims we shouldn’t act.

Both of those assumptions are wrong.  Yet both of those assumptions are why people allow themselves to stay in very painful situations year after year, even as their self-confidence and self-esteem diminish.

A better test To decide whether we should act or not, instead of the external standards and definitions, use an internal test.  We can simply ask ourselves, “Am I in pain?  Do I want to be treated this way?”

Notice that these questions are about us; about how much things hurt, about our desire to get away from the pain, about what we’ll allow in our personal space.  We don’t need some external standards of right or wrong, normal or abnormal.  We don’t need the self-doubt, self-questioning and negative self-talk that come from asking questions like, “Is it my fault?  What have I done wrong?  Do I deserve this?  Is this the way it’s supposed to be?”

Simply start by saying, “Ouch.  Cut it out.  Act better or you’re gone.  I don’t care what your reasons, justifications or excuses are; act nicer or I’m gone.”

Then, we become the standard.  If we’re being taunted, teased, harassed, bullied and abused verbally, mentally and emotionally, and we don’t like it, that’s more than enough reason to get away.  It’s that simple.  We create distance, not because of some external standards, but because we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.

Every one of the people who wrote or called for coaching was immediately able to answer the questions about how the treatment felt.  When they recognized and accepted their pain as important and sufficient, they wanted to resist.  They immediately were angry and determined to get away.  Their spirits rose.  They felt strong and courageous.  Good for them.

When they learned effective skills and techniques, they could resist successfully.  Since all tactics are situational and the abuse has usually gone on for a long time, you’ll probably need expert coaching.  We’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of adults in very difficult situations taking command of themselves and succeeding.  For personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).