How can I give up hope?

How can I give up hope that my beloved narcissists, bullies and tormentors will eventually change?  That’s the wrong question.  Never give up hope.

A better question is: “What should I do while I’m hoping they’ll finally change?”

For example: read the previous post about Jeri (alienated and estranged by her ex and her children) and James (controlled and bullied by his toxic, narcissistic parents).

Some therapists recommend you give in, accept all the fault and plead with narcissistic bullies in order to show you still hope.
Many people accept this advice.  How can you give up on them?  Of course, people who accept this path suffer daily.  Their hopes are raised then dashed at each new example of uncaring, anger, hatred, cruelty and abuse.

This path isn’t about maintaining hope.  It’s maintaining the illusion that wishful thinking will be answered, that a miracle will occur, and magically they’ll be transformed – instantly and easily one night.

I’ve never seen this path work.

I recommend you live magnificently and with joy while you maintain hope.
Of course that’s hard when your dreams have been destroyed and you wonder what you did wrong or what you might have done differently.  But there it is.  And there are methods to help.

While you’re hoping and wishing and praying and lighting candles, you’re not letting them suck your blood or whip you like you were their slave.  You’re telling them what amends they must make in order to be accepted back into a tribe of people who behave like humans.  You’re setting standards.  You’re being a model to everyone else.

So don’t be miserable while you’re hoping.

What can stimulate toxic bullies to change?
Ancient wisdom and my observations lead to the same conclusion.  They have to lose everything and suffer enough before they begin to change.  Unfortunately, hurting you is not suffering to them; they enjoy it.  Then they have to apologize in public and make public amends.  If circumstances don’t make them suffer, they won’t change.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Their anger won't destroy you

Tom’s mother was crazy.  She’d suddenly turn from sweet to maniacal; she’d scream and throw things at him; she’d criticize and berate him; she’d beat him relentlessly.  He was afraid she’d kill him.  His only defense was to agree with everything she said and to hide when she went berserk.

Tom became a people-pleaser.
Surprise: Tom married a woman who created the same emotional environment.  She was selfish and narcissistic, bullying and abusive.  He couldn’t predict when she would blow up but then it would last for days.  She was angry and relentless.  She’d never let go of anything he did that wasn’t good enough or of any mistake he made or when he ever said anything back to her in frustration or anger.  Eventually he’d say whatever pleased her and then he’d try to get away.

His son became a people-pleaser also, except to Tom.
Since Tom always acquiesced and was nice, he was the one who was picked on.  After Tom finally divorced his wife and his son became 25 and started living on his own, Tom hoped his son would develop kindness, compassion and civility.  But he saw his son do everything his mother wanted, and be rude, neglectful and demanding to Tom.

His son’s behavior was the straw that changed Tom.  He knew he had to start standing up to all of them – his mother, his ex-wife and his son – or his future would be one of pain and victimization.

They wanted Tom to believe their anger was more powerful than God’s Grace.  But it’s not.
When Tom felt himself full of God’s Grace, filled with light and strength, he realized he had nothing to fear from any of them.  His self-doubt, self-questioning, guilt and low self-esteem vanished.  He didn’t even think about self-confidence.  He didn’t have to be perfect in order to ask for and even demand better behavior in his personal space.  He simply knew he was an adult and they couldn’t hurt him.  They could yell and scream, but he could leave.  He could have a wonderful life without them.

His son could fight him and ignore him and get angry, but Tom decided the most important thing was setting standards of polite, civil behavior in his personal space.  That was more important that the name of any relationship.

Tom had to set an example for his son before it was too late.
He realized his son would never learn until Tom showed him what they both needed to do.  He had to show his son that he could stand up to his mother’s wrath and not be destroyed.  Their anger wasn’t a big deal.  And if his son got angry at Tom when Tom stood up to him, that wasn’t so scary either.  By example, he’d keep trying to teach his son courage, inner strength and determination.

Obviously, men can do the same things that Tom’s mother and ex-wife did to him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Relatives who want to pick your pocket

William had worked hard and become very successful.  However, his three adult-sons were lazy, selfish and narcissistic.  They expected him to provide everything.  Even worse, they were demanding, rude, abusive and criticized everything William did.

They expected William to bail them out of business problems, and buy them cars and houses, while they neglected him.  They never called or send birthday or holiday presents.  Even worse, they bullied William by saying if he didn’t give them everything they wanted, they’d keep his grandchildren from him.  Their wives were even worse to William.

They told William he had a father’s duty to take care of his children no matter how they abused him or failed on their own.
Finally, William had enough.  He gathered them at what they thought was a big gift giving and he told them he was done.  He was not taking their rotten behavior anymore.  No more bailing them out, no more big gifts and no more abuse.  They were all adults with families and they could provide for themselves.  He knew they were smart and capable of getting what they wanted on their own.

He had decided to be with people who would love him nicely, not pick his pockets.
He told them he was testing them.  Would they be nice enough to him to be worth giving or leaving anything to?  

At first they rebelled.  They cursed and threatened him.  They said he was blackmailing them.  He smiled and agreed.  They were old enough to accept, “Pay for performance.”  They could choose how to behave toward him and he could choose what to do with his time, energy, love and money.

I’m not saying what happened next because William was excited with what he’d said and did.  He didn’t feel guilty.  He felt free of leaches who were sucking his blood.  He felt full of energy and strength.  That was most important to him.

Obviously, the same pattern applies to toxic parents and other relatives who want to drain your blood and pick your pockets.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Saving your grandchildren

Polly knew she didn’t have much time to save her grandchildren from the craziness of her angry, narcissistic, sociopathic daughter.

Her daughter made her life hell, and tormented and brutalized the grandchildren.  She then insisted they hate Polly for not doing everything their mother wanted to.  All their troubles were Polly’s fault.  Polly knew that her daughter wanted to alienate the children from her.  Polly also knew the only reason she’d ever see her daughter or her grandchildren would be when her daughter needed money or child care.

Polly had given up on having a meaningful, close relationship with her daughter but she wanted to save her grandchildren from her daughter’s toxic behavior.
She didn’t care if she ever saw her daughter again; she’d grieved horribly at that loss once she’d allowed herself to see what her daughter had become.  She couldn’t understand what had caused it but she knew she had to let go or her daughter would suck all her money and blood, and then abuse her for having no more.

But she wanted to help her grandchildren grow up loving and kind, despite what their mother said about her, and despite the hurt and pain they felt being around their mother.  They already knew never to displease their mother.  Her daughter’s husband also lived in fear of her temper.

What could Polly do to save her grandchildren?  Polly finally realized:

1. Kindness, compassion and consideration for others would not help the children resist their mother’s craziness and anger.  Those qualities, admirable as they are, would be used by their self-centered mother to make them her slaves.
2. The kids need to be fierce.  They need a fire in their hearts, a fighting spirit to endure their terror and to resist their mother’s bullying, abuse and lies.  They need courage, strength and fierce determination not to be beaten into submission.
3. They need to keep their Fire and Will secret from their mother until they could get away.  If they fought openly, their mother would destroy them before they were old enough to defend themselves.  Kids from every physical and cultural war zone in the world need that fierceness in order to escape and to make their own lives.  They need to be invulnerable – undefeated by the pain until they could escape the prison they were born into.
4. They need to develop a skill so they can become physically and financially independent.  They already knew what happened when they were helpless before their mother.

How can Polly help grow that seed of their Souls?  A good gardener germinates seeds and then showers them water sunlight, water and manure.
In the short time Polly had with the kids, she could help those seeds grow and bear fruit.  In secret, Polly:

1. Told the children about the seed they had within them.  Told them they needed to develop fierce courage, strength and determination.  Encouraged their fierceness as well as their compassion.
2. Told them to keep secret their determination.  Told them she’d love them always and if their mother separated them, not to believe their mother’s reasons but, when they were old enough, to come find her on their own.
3. Sent birthday and holiday presents in big boxes and kept records of every gift.  She let her daughter be the one to deny the kids.
4. Told them stories about what some of their ancestors had survived, which was much worse that what their mother dished out.  Pointed out the great survivors and heroes and heroines in the movies, books and television programs they watched.
5. Reminded them of how peace, safety and warmth felt when they were with her as opposed to the shame, guilt and terror they felt with other people.  Told them to go where it feels good and to judge “how” people love, not by what they said, but by how good they feel when they’re with them.
6. Set high expectations for behavior when they were with her, especially handling their emotions.  All the while she created a safe space for them to talk about anything they wanted.
7. Told them she was going to be a model for them by living a wonderful life, full of joy.  Told them suffering, whining and complaining were victim-talk.  They too could make such wonderful lives and she would help them when they got free of prison.  Told them they could succeed, no matter what had happened in their early years.

Polly can’t guarantee whether the seeds would grow and bear fruit.
We never know which kids are rocky ground and which are fertile soil.  All we can do is supply what we can.  Usually one child, or maybe two children, are invulnerable to their mother’s craziness.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Unconditional love vs. true kindness, compassion, respect

Harry’s 36 year-old daughter insisted that he accept her rage and tantrums when she didn’t get what she wanted or when he tried to pin her down to whether she was coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  He was interfering with her freedom and life, and he was making her suffer.

She insisted he love her unconditionally and prove it by accepting how she was and giving in to her.
Harry should feel guilt and remorse.  He should forgive her if she acted out because she always had good reasons for her tantrums.  It was always his fault.  He should prove his love do what she wanted, whenever she wanted.

Harry was stumped.  He didn’t have an answer that would satisfy her.  He could never do enough to prove his unconditional love.

Accepting her narcissism, rage and uncontrolled outbursts is not unconditional love toward an adult.
Harry finally had his answer.  Unconditionally, he loved the potential he’d always seen in her to be a wonderful person.  Unconditionally, he loved her spirit that could be so loving, kind and compassionate.  Unconditionally, he loved the fire within her that could have made her a competent, successful and independent adult.  Unconditionally he loved the best he saw in her.

And he despised her personality, ego and sense of entitlement.  He despised the horrible choices she’d made.  He despised her selfish, narcissistic, entitled behavior with which she beat him and so many others.  He despised the least of her and he was disgusted when she gave in to that side of her.  One of the first jobs of any adult is to master herself, to be in charge of her emotions and behavior.  She needed to grow up.

She hated his answer but he was satisfied with it.
He didn’t have to satisfy her whims or prove his love any more.  When he first told her how he thought about her behavior, she was furious.  She bullied and abused him louder; she cursed him and called him a failure as a father.  She told him she’d never forgive him and never talk to him again.

Harry told her he had so much love, compassion and respect for her, he was kicking his little bird out of the nest.
Instead of trying to prove himself to her, Harry laughed and asked if she needed a “time out.”  He calmly and firmly told her he loved her so much he was no longer paying for her apartment, her car and her insurance.  She had a job and she had to learn to be a productive and independent adult.  Her choice was to crash or to fly.  It was the best gift he could give her and it was given out of respect, kindness and compassion.

Of course, Harry could see what she’d do next.  She’d give him the loud silent treatment and when that didn’t work she’d plead poverty and when that didn’t work she’d try to get him by being helpless – she was in danger or she’d threaten to commit suicide and it’d be his fault.

Harry was mentally and emotionally prepared.
While she was giving him the loud, silent treatment, he went and had a wonderful time.  He even started dating again.  He knew she’d find out and he didn’t want her to see him suffering and praying and lighting candles.

When she pleaded poverty, he said he knew she had the courage, strength and determination to struggle and to make a wonderful life.  He recounted all the times she’d been strong enough to beat him into submission.  He recounted all the obstacles she’d overcome when she was in school.  When she attacked him verbally, he laughed and encouraged her to be a better parent to herself.  She was at a loss when he laughed and didn’t defend herself.

He told her she’d have to start proving her love.  She’d have to prove she was worth having around.

In this situation, Harry had some leverage.  His daughter wanted things from him.  In other situations, the demanding, narcissistic adult child has the leverage, so different tactics have to be used.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Enabling bad behavior

One of Helen’s adult daughters was forcing her to choose between her daughter and her second husband.

That’s not the real choice.

Helen had three girls with Ed before she finally summoned the courage to divorce him when the girls were in their early 20s.  He was angry, demanding, selfish, manipulative, bullying and abusive.  However, she thought she had to stay because the girls needed a father and she always wanted to give them everything they wanted.

Ten years later she met Sam.  Helen never thought she’d ever meet someone who would love and care for her the way Sam did.  Also, he was wonderful toward her daughters and their young children.  He had a big heart which he opened to them even though he wasn’t their biological father.  After three years they decided to marry.

One of the Helen’s daughters, Mary, was furious.  It was a slap to her father Ed, it was wrong and she was going to stop it.  She cajoled, she threatened, she used emotional blackmail and intimidation.  She tried everything she could to get her sisters not to go.  Even though Helen pleaded and begged, Mary wouldn’t budge.

Helen went ahead with the marriage, saying that Sam was so wonderful, eventually Mary would be won over.

But Mary never changed.  For eight years she wouldn’t allow Sam near her or her children.  She organized big Thanksgivings and Christmas celebrations, big birthday parties for her children and her sisters’.  Helen was invited but Sam was never allowed to come.  And Mary would never go to Helen’s events if Sam was there.

All that time, Sam was still wonderful to Helen and the other two daughters and their children.  He kept asking Helen to stand up to Mary but Helen kept waffling.  Maybe she did feel a little guilty for remarrying.  Maybe Mary was right that Helen was driving a wedge into her family.

Helen kept attending Mary’s functions in hopes that Mary would eventually relent.  She kept begging Mary and reasoning with her.  She kept minimizing the damage she was allowing to her marriage.  

Helen’s other daughters said they couldn’t do anything because they didn’t want to destroy the family.  They said Mary was always this way.  Even when she was a little child, if Mary didn’t get what she wanted she became furious.  She yelled and screamed.  She threatened and manipulated.  She sulked and wouldn’t talk for months until everyone gave in.  She was relentless.  They thought that was just how she was.  So Helen and the rest had eventually given in to her.

We need a Code of Conduct, Standards of Behavior that are greater than individual personality and ego.
We pledge our allegiance to a Code of Behavior first, just like the law is above the King, Queen or President.  We recognize dictators and tyrants because they want their whims and personalities are above the law.

Supporting and enabling trashy behavior is not helping Mary.
Helen had to stop wanting to be forgiven and loved by Mary for the wrong reasons.  Mary’s love was not kind, considerate and compassionate; it was selfish, bullying and abusive.  Helen had to challenge Mary to love her for the right reasons and to love in the right ways.  Helen needed to take a risk and break the glass ceiling that she’d accepted.  She needed courage and inner strength to take the risk of standing up for the Standards she held so dearly.

The choice was about which standards of behavior Helen would allow in her personal space and the family she wanted.
Helen though Mary was behaving horribly, like some sort of trash.  Or, Mary was dumping toxic waste into Helen’s family.  She’d always done that and Helen had not stood up to protect the rest of her family from pollution by one daughter.

Helen finally saw clearly.  This was the same choice she had to make when she divorced Ed.  Mary was the one driving the wedge.  Mary was the poison serpent in the family.  Mary had the heart and Soul of a raisin.

Looking at it that way, the choice was clear for Helen.  She couldn’t allow the bullying, temper tantrums of a five year-old take control of her family, especially when the five year-old was in a mid-forty year-old body and should have learned better.

There never is “the family.”  There is only, “What specific behaviors would Helen allow in the family she wanted.”  It was a horrible choice to have protect the rest against one daughter, but it was the choice Mary was forcing on Helen.

Helen was the mother and she had to set a good example for all the younger people.

Helen chose the standards she wanted to live with the rest of her life.
She chose the happiness and joy she felt with Sam; she chose the way she and Sam treated each other.  At first, her other daughters didn’t back her because they thought she’d never have the courage and endurance to resist Mary.  But after they saw Helen’s determination, they also insisted they didn’t want manipulation, bullying and hissy-fits around their families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

For entitled adult children: Standards and consequences

Liz’s experience with her 20 year-old daughter, Kendra, had been similar to Laura’s with her daughter, Kelly, as I described in the last article.

Kendra expected everything; she felt entitled.
Kendra had always insisted that her rules should rule their home.  The older she got, the more demanding and threatening, the more bullying and abusive she became.  Liz finally saw this as the logical consequence of her merely trying to teach Kendra polite and civil rules without any consequences, and of her ultimately letting Kendra win and do what she wanted.  Kendra had become selfish, narcissistic, unappreciative, ungrateful, entitled; with an “I can treat you any way I want and you’ll still give me what I want” attitude.

In college, Kendra continued bullying, abusing and then dismissing her mother.  She demanded everything she wanted.  Liz complied: she paid for Kendra’s car, gas and insurance; she paid for Kendra’s phone; of course she paid Kendra’s tuition, room, board and books.  She sent Kendra extra spending money each month.  Liz was glad to do all this to give Kendra a head start in life.

But she deeply resented that Kendra never said “”Thank you” or showed any signs of caring about Liz’s feelings or the hard work it took her to give Kendra all that money and goodies.  Kendra never expressed caring, appreciation or respect.

In Kendra’s sophomore year, Liz was pushed over the edge when her daughter appeared suddenly for a weekend because her other friends would also be back in town.  Kendra spend the two days with her friends, raided the refrigerator and emptied it, and trashed her room and bathroom before racing to get back to school.  She never stopped to even have coffee with her mother.

Liz applied consequences.
She didn’t send Kendra money the next month.  Kendra called in a rage.  Liz said she’d spend the money restocking the refrigerator and hiring maids to clean up the mess Kendra left.  Instead of apologizing and making promises, Kendra cursed her mother and raged more.  Big mistake.

Liz said she was not going to pay for Kendra’s phone any more.  Kendra raged even more.  Liz said, since Kendra never showed any appreciation, she might as well not give.  Kendra said that was simply financial blackmail and she’d never give in.  She was in charge of her own life.  Liz owed her whatever she wanted and Liz had better pay up.  Big mistake.

Shortly before Christmas break, Liz told Kendra she’d converted Kendra’s room into a studio for herself.  If Kendra came home for vacation, she’d have to come as a guest and sleep on the pull-out bed in the living room.  And any mess left in the living room would go right to charity.  Kendra raged even more and said she wasn’t coming home.  Liz replied with excitement: since Kendra wasn’t coming, Liz would use the time to go on a vacation trip with friends.  And she’d changed the locks.

After Christmas, Kendra called Liz to tell her Liz had ruined her life.  She had a miserable time at a friend’s house where she had to be on her best behavior all the time.

Liz said she knew Kendra could be a wonderful person if she wanted and she hoped Kendra would maintain those high standards of behavior toward her.  And if she didn’t, the car was next.

Kendra blew up.  Liz should feel guilty for ruining her life and forcing her to accept standards she didn’t want.  Mothers are supposed to make their children happy.  Liz laughed and said she thought daughters were supposed to make their mothers happy.  Or they were both supposed to make each other happy.

She was proud, not the least bit guilty.  She was finally teaching her daughter how hard it would be to make her way in the world as a selfish, entitled, narcissistic person.  Giving respect and appreciation in return for generosity was a crucial part of succeeding in life.  Kendra raged more.

Three days later Kendra called to apologize for her treatment of Liz.  She promised to be good and respectful.  Liz said she thought that would be wonderful.  Kendra said, since she promised to act nice, would Liz immediately send money, pay for her phone and give her a key and her room back.

Liz requires good behavior over time; not mere promises.
Liz explained to Kendra a series of steps Kendra would have to take over time in order to be given more.  It was just like apologizing and making amends over time.

Kendra would have to call at least once a week and be polite and fun for two months before they’d talk about the next step.  Liz could hear Kendra clench her teeth but she promised.  And then she did.  Over the next two years, Kendra satisfied every one of Liz’s requirements.

Would Kendra maintain her polite, considerate behavior when she became financially independent?
Liz couldn’t predict.  Kendra would show her true character when the time came.  But, at least Liz could enjoy two years of good connection with her daughter while she hoped for the best.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

For entitled teenagers: Standards and consequences

Laura was so frustrated with her 15 year-old daughter, Kelly, she was ready to give up and walk away.

Kelly had always insisted that her rules should rule their home.  The older she got, the more demanding and threatening, the more bullying and abusive she became.

Laura finally saw this as the logical consequence of her merely trying to teach Kelly polite and civil rules without any consequences, and of her ultimately letting Kelly win and do what she wanted.  Kelly had become selfish, narcissistic, unappreciative, ungrateful, entitled; with an “I can treat you any way I want and you’ll still give me what I want” attitude.

When Kelly was a child, Laura had lectured her about manners at the table – simple “Please” and Thank you,” simple eating politely and not bolting off to her room to chat with her friends.  Laura tried educating Kelly but Kelly snarled that Laura was old fashioned and her generation didn’t have to follow those silly rules.  And she stormed out.

Laura couldn’t think of a justification for manners so, after mild protests, she finally gave up.  She let Kelly do what she wanted.

Kelly became consistently negative, critical, sarcastic, rude and demanding.  She expected to get everything she wanted immediately.  She became like Veruka Salt from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

For example, she never said “Thank you” for any birthday or Christmas presents.  She demanded a huge birthday party but after Laura had made huge preparations, Kelly and her friends never showed up.  They went to the mall without telling Laura.

Why rules of behavior matter.
Rules of behavior or “manners” are crucial in any society.  They enable us to live peacefully with each other in a crowded world where we’re surrounded by many more people than our family.

The earliest “manners” were probably the “guest-host relationship” rules.  Imagine a stranger coming to a family or village seeking shelter from a storm.  We need a basic rule, accepted by both sides, in order to be safe.  In the middle of the night, the guest will not murder and steal from the hosts.  The hosts will not murder and steal what the guest has.  Manners lets both sides know that we’re going to follow that rule.

That set of rules was still maintained in the early 20th C out on the prairie: No asking personal questions and no horse stealing.

Arguing rules of polite behavior never succeeded with Kelly.
Laura had tried to educate Kelly peacefully.  She seemed to believe that if she lectured with exactly the right words, eventually the lesson will sink in.  Some kids accept their parents’ teaching and behave.  Others do not; they resist with every ounce of their strength and determination.

Laura knew Kelly knew what was wanted because the mothers of Kelly’s friends praised Kelly’s politeness.  But Kelly wouldn’t change at home simply because she didn’t want to and didn’t have to.  Laura kept teaching until she eventually gave up.  She wouldn’t accept what Kelly was showing her.  

Consequences might succeed.
Bullies and abusers show you what you have to do to change their behavior.  For a long time Laura was unwilling to do anything “harsh” or “nasty” or “punitive.”  She thought those were not the way to raise a nice person.  But Kelly was showing her what would not work.

Laura faced a choice: continue the way she’d been going and pray real hard for a miracle, or start applying consequences despite Kelly’s protests.

Laura decided to apply consequences with a calm smile.
She wouldn’t debate or argue.  She’d simply state the way it would be.  And she made clear the connections between Kelly’s behavior and the consequences.

For example, when Kelly was nasty about a meal, Laura simply picked it up and dumped it in the garbage.  And made sure there were no candies or extra food in the house.  She didn’t buy Kelly a birthday present because Kelly never said “Thank you” so Laura assumed Kelly didn’t want one.  When Kelly demanded a big party, Laura said she wouldn’t because of Kelly’s behavior the last time.  But she did wish Kelly a wonderful next year.

The climax for Laura and Kelly came when Kelly finally saw her mother was adamant.  She blew up, ranting and raving that Laura’s job was to make her happy.  By not letting her do what she wanted, Laura was ruining her life.

Laura simply smiled and told Kelly she was childish, weak and cowardly.  It was easy for her to try to beat up her mother, who loved her.  It took strength and courage to act civilized to people who loved you and who would give in.  It took strength and courage to try to get what you want from people in the world who didn’t care about you.

Laura continued referring to Kelly’s behavior as childish, weak and cowardly.  Kelly said Laura was blackmailing her.  Laura smiled and said, “Of course.  That’s life.  If you want something from me, you pay with good behavior.  If you continue to treat me badly, I won’t pay for a phone, a tablet or a car.  I know you can do better.  You’re a wonderful person.”

Kelly finally gave in, reluctantly.  Her senior year was much happier for Laura.  Would Kelly maintain her civility once she moved out?  Laura decided to deal with that when she got there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Shame/Guilt: transform bad to good

We often hear of “bad” and “good” shame and guilt.  What’s the difference and how can we convert bad shame and guilt into good?

“Bad” shame and guilt.
Jeri was paralyzed and continued to beat herself up.  She saw how she’d helped allow her daughter to grow up selfish, narcissistic and toxic.  The shame and guilt kept her stuck, her self-bullying mind frantically racing with self-recriminations, too busy to seek a solution or to take any action.

Jeri had divorced her abusive husband when her daughter was 11.  Even though she knew she had to get herself and her daughter away from him, she always felt guilty she hadn’t been able to change him.  He’d grown up negative, angry and brutal, fighting against everyone he’d ever met.  He wouldn’t change for Jeri or their daughter.

Unfortunately, he was allowed visitation, and he controlled and manipulated their daughter into thinking that Jeri was a selfish, bad person who’d destroyed their wonderful life together.  Anytime their daughter didn’t get what she wanted, he encouraged her to rage against Jeri.  Jeri tried to teach her daughter differently but she could never deny her daughter anything.  She was too afraid her daughter would hate her and want to stay with her father.

By the time her daughter was 30, she was always needy and angry.  She’d become critical, bullying and abusive to Jeri.  Jeri realized she’d only given lectures to her daughter; she’d never had real consequences for bad behavior she would never have put up with from anyone else.  She’d been too afraid to risk her daughter’s anger.

The “bad” part of Jeri’s shame and guilt was that she remained stuck.  She flagellated herself by replaying episodes to show herself how she might have been a better parent but wasn’t.  Her inner voice relentlessly told her she was too far from perfect.  She didn’t deserve any better.

 “Good” shame and guilt.
Eventually Jeri got so angry at herself, she broke free.  She connected with the energy hidden under the shame and guilt; her fiery energy of strength, courage, power and determination.  She vowed she’d think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted to against people who took advantage of her, just like her parents had.

Jeri transformed her guilt and shame into motivation.  Never again!
She calmed herself down before she planned what to say and do with her daughter.  She didn’t want to be explosive and say things she’d feel more ashamed of later.

When Jeri overcame her fears, which had begun in childhood and became worse with her husband and paralyzing with her daughter, she found more than enough determination to act, no matter what.  As she began to act like the Jeri she’d always wanted to be, she became proud of herself

It’s not the feelings of guilt and shame themselves that are bad or good, it’s the use we make of them that matters.  Jeri finally used her feelings to motivate herself to take effective action.  She made those feelings into “good” guilt and shame.  She wouldn’t allow a toxic daughter to pollute her life any more.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic parents estrange children from ex

Toxic parents destroy families and alienate children in many ways.

One common scenario was when Helen finally divorced Martin.  Martin was toxic – narcissistic, bullying and abusive.  He’d belittled and demeaned Helen for years.  He’d controlled her with criticism, negativity and emotional torture.

Helen finally filed for divorce when she saw the effects on her children.
During the proceedings, Martin lied convincingly under oath about what he’d done and what Helen had failed at.  Helen kept offering reasonable compromises to him so he could live well after the settlement.  She knew every time she gave in he demanded more, but even though she hated his demands and her acquiescence of them, she always gave him more.  She wanted him to know, she was still a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation.

Helen protected Martin’s image with the kids.
Martin tried to alienate and estrange the kids from Helen.  He consistently told the children what a rotten person and mother Helen was, how she’d treated him badly, how the divorce was her fault and how she was guilty for every bad feeling and problem the kids had.  Nevertheless, Helen never said a bad word against him.  She wouldn’t want the kids to think she was the kind of person who was vindictive; she wanted to show them the meaning of forgiveness.

Later, during the daily arrangements about visitation and taking the kids to and from their activities, Martin always had excuses why he couldn’t make the required effort.  Helen always covered for him.

She said the most important thing was that kids should see the best of their father and should honor him.  Kids need a father.

Kids know the truth.
Despite Helen’s attempts to protect Martin, the kids knew how he treated them and how they felt.  Helen saw the kids living in fear of displeasing their narcissistic father.  If they didn’t do exactly what he wanted, he’d be vindictive.  He yelled at them relentlessly and battered them emotionally when they didn’t please him.  Nothing was ever his fault.  He even pitting them against each other, rewarding favorites who did what he wanted and acted like they worshiped him.

Most kids choose to imitate the winner.
Soon, the kids started treating Helen like their father did.  They acted like she was supposed to make them happy by being their slave.  They knew they’d better ally with him and they could get away with disrespecting her.

Decide which values are more important than which others.
Helen finally decided her values of being a good girl, worthy of respect and appreciation, of showing she was forgiving and not vindictive, and of thinking the kids needed a father were less important than setting high standards of behavior and of speaking the truth.  Martin was destroying the children’s self-esteem, self-confidence and good character, and she had to stop him.  Yes, kids need a father but not this specific angry, cruel, lying, controlling, manipulative, bullying father.

Speak and act before it’s too late.
Helen finally allowed herself to rebel against her old beliefs, rules and roles.  It took great courage to say she mattered; her views, feelings and attitudes were important.  She finally chose to speak out against Martin’s treatment of her and, even more important, to take action.

For example, when he failed to pick up the kids or buy their promised sports’ equipment or give them birthday presents, she told the kids the truth about who’d failed them and let them suffer the consequences.

What happened?
Both children had lived in fear of their father and accepted his behavior until one became old enough to resist and say he never wanted to see Martin again.  He remembered the fear, shame and pain he’d felt when he was with his father.  He also started treating Helen well.  He told Helen he’d rather grow up with her rules than be hateful like his father.

Unfortunately Martin alienated and estranged the other child from Helen.  That child accepted her father’s control and her fear of him.  She went to live with Martin.  She took out her anger on Helen.  She swore Helen would never see her grandchildren when she had them.  She seemed to enjoy Helen’s pain when she said that.

There are many other situations with similar patterns and consequences – separation, alienation, estrangement.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic daughter tries splitting new marriage

Henry wanted to stay with his wife until their youngest daughter, Alice, had become independent but when Alice was in her teens, he couldn’t take it anymore.  His wife was not only a bullying, abusive shrew but she finally had an affair.  When Henry divorced her, she was bitter and vindictive.  She blamed everything on him.  She did her best to turn their children against Henry.

Thirteen years later Henry met another woman, his age with grown children also.  It was love at first sight for both of them and brought the best out of them both.  After their marriage, Henry and his wife reached out to all their adult children, offering them warmth, hospitality and fun.  All the children except Alice rapidly saw their parents had chosen a wonderful person and were made happy by their new partner.

But Alice turned on her father.
She waged an endless campaign of hate directed against his new wife.  She was determined to drive a wedge between them.

Alice would never holidays with the new wife.  She called the new wife all sorts of names to Henry’s face and behind his back to her siblings.  She made up stories and twisted conversations with Henry in order to badmouth his new wife.

She always had different reasons and excuses to justify her feelings about his new wife.  For example, after one of Alice’s tirades, the new wife had even said that Alice was toxic, trying to bullying Henry into submission.  Alice’s feelings were hurt and she raged even more.  She’d never forgive the new wife.  She was totally negative about their marriage and happiness.

Why did Alice do those nasty things?
Of course we can list some of the typical reasons people have for Alice’s type of behavior: Loyalty to her biological mother who hates that her ex has found love, hatred of a woman whom her father now loves, hidden desire to get her biological parents back together, etc.  Underneath these psychological excuses is Alice’s assumption that if she feels a certain way, she’s right and she can do whatever she wants in order to get her way.

What matters?
Dealing with Alice’s reasons and excuses is futile.  Henry tried reasoning with Alice but Alice didn’t want to change.  She knew she was right and she was righteous.  She even used her therapy to convince a counselor she was right and her father’s new wife was evil.

Henry tried all the seven tactics nice, reasonable people try but that do not stop bullies.  And they didn’t stop Alice.  All his attempts based on his understanding didn’t move Alice at all.  In fact, when Henry tried to reason, to beg, to minimize or defend Alice’s behavior to his wife, to bribe Alice, she only attacked him more.

What matters is what Henry is going to do in the face of an enemy who wants to destroy his new-found love and happiness, even though that enemy is his daughter.  What matters is what Henry is going to do when faced with an enemy who wants to beat him into submission or to blackmail him into an all-or-none choice.

What did Henry do?
Henry finally gave up trying to please his daughter[BL1] and started treating her like he would anyone else who attacked him like she had.

• He told her siblings what he was going to do so they’d know the truth from him, not from a lying, manipulative hater.  He encouraged them to avoid getting in the middle and he wouldn’t talk with them about Alice.  He knew Alice had put them in a position with divided loyalties, but he and his wife wanted to see them and their children as much as possible.
• He told Alice’s children, who were old enough to understand, their mother was attacking his wife and preventing the kids from seeing him and his wife.  Therefore, he wouldn’t be seeing them until they were old enough to come by themselves.  He and his wife would sent them birthday and Christmas presents, but he didn’t know if Alice would let the kids have them.  He told them he and his wife would love to see them when they were old enough to come despite their mother’s anger and retaliation.  They’d see who had courage and who didn’t.
• He told Alice that if she wouldn’t accept his new wife and be kind and gracious, if she wouldn’t apologize to both him and his wife, he was done with her.  He and his wife were going to have a wonderful life and they weren’t going to waste time and energy thinking about Alice’s abuse of them.  They weren’t guilty and they weren’t Alice’s slaves.  He’d make no more attempts; the ball was in her court.  We was cutting her and her children out of his will until she showed a long-term pattern of kindness to his new wife.

What happened?

• Henry remained firm.
• After months, Alice made a peace offering to Henry: She really missed her daddy and he could see the grandchildren but his new wife still couldn’t.  Someday Alice might be willing to go into mediation with his new wife but that wouldn’t be for a long time.
• Henry told her that was no change.  There was nothing to mediate.  Either she became gracious to both of them or she got nothing.
• After almost a year, Alice capitulated and accepted Henry’s conditions.  She said she finally realized he was serious and wouldn’t be beaten or guilt-tripped into submission.
• Henry waited for three years of continued good behavior from Alice before he put her back into the will.

I’ve seen the same patterns in all combinations of father and mothers, sons and daughters.  I’ve also seen the same patterns after the death of one spouse.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies enabled by co-dependent families

Jill was amazed.  Her family knew about her lying, manipulative, backstabbing, rage-aholic middle daughter but so many seemed to take her side.

That daughter was narcissistic and entitled.  Jill’s family was co-dependent and enabling.

They’d turn on Jill and encourage her to forgive, to rise above and to not make waves.  They’d say Jill was being too sensitive or Jill wasn’t perfect either or Jill knew how her daughter was so she should just do whatever her daughter wanted.  They’d say if only Jill was nicer, her daughter would be fine.  Jill should feel guilty for making her daughter angry.  Jill should love and forgive as long as she lived.  They always wanted Jill to change and let her daughter get away with it.

Those are among the seven techniques that do not stop bullies.

Why didn’t anyone stand up and defend Jill from her daughter’s bullying and abuse?

1. Sometimes, especially with covert bullies, other people simply are fooled.  But that’s not the case in Jill’s family.
2. Sometimes people are afraid that if Jill makes a big issue, it will split the family into warring camps.  Since they’re not being harmed, they don’t want the family split.  The 20th C provided lots of examples of people looking the other way until it was too late.
3. Sometimes people put justice and standards aside when they might have to do something that makes them uncomfortable and shines a light on them.  Most people won’t stand up when they’re afraid of Jill’s daughter’s wrath directed at them.
4. Sometimes people simply side with the winner.  Jill’s daughter looked like she had the power because Jill didn’t know how to defend herself effectively.  As soon as Jill learns, the ground will shift and some people will start allying with her.
5. Usually people see who’s the most stubborn and intransigent.  They think they’ll never budge a relentless attacker so they give in and try to change the more reasonable person.  They want the nicer person to compromise.  They hope Jill’s appeasement will buy some peace and quiet, and eventually, Jill’s daughter will get enough control and power and stop throwing fits.

I see these last three reasons operating most of the time.

I’ve seen people verbally beaten down by couples’ therapists and divorce mediators because they’re the more reasonable person.  The therapist or mediator assumes that the angriest person must have been offended by some action on the part of the reasonable person and they want the reasonable person to give in.

At work, I’ve seen many people pile on and mob innocent targets.  People want to be part of the power-club so they attack the weakling or outcast.

Jill got over her guilt and decided she would honor her values about good behavior, decency and justice as more important than loyalty to a daughter who was ripping her flesh apart and a family who was co-dependent and enabling.  When Jill started standing up, everything shifted in the family.  Jill took power by tactics that were sometimes overt and sometimes covert to catch her daughter in lies and isolate her.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Children of Divorce: Loyal to who?

Hope divorced her narcissistic, angry, bullying, abusive, sadistic husband when the kids were 10 and 14.  Her ex rapidly reverted to the life-style he had when she met him: he quit his job, sponged off whoever he could, started living off an alcoholic tramp and preached against education and a good career for himself and his children.  He was nice to the kids only when they did what he wanted or to cause them guilt to get them to give in to him.  His mantra to the kids was, “Don’t get a swelled head and rise higher than me.”

But he could also be charming when he wanted so she worried that her children would get sucked into his desire to control them, to turn them into allies against her and to turn them into losers.

What could she tell them?

1. “Trust your gut.”  Most important for kids is to trust what they see, hear and feel.  They do recognize tension, anger, control and verbal and physical beatings, and manipulation.  They do know where they feel like they have to walk on egg shells.  Don’t let them start to distrust themselves because some adults try to disguise the pain they’re causing by labeling it, “Love.  For your own good.  Show me you love me by doing what I want.  I know best for you.  This is the way things should be.”
2. “Improve your gut.  Learn to recognize sooner when someone is using you or taking advantage of you or causing you pain – no matter what reasons or excuses they give you.  Also, learn to examine yourself for times when you are simply reacting because you don’t get what you want.”
3. “Choose what to be loyal to.  Your father will want you to be loyal to him and his agenda, to show your love by being an accomplice in attacking your mother and in destroying the wonderful future you can have.  Don’t be loyal to your father.  That’s not the most important value.  Don’t be loyal to your mother, either.”
4. “Be loyal to the greatest future you can imagine.  If that hurts the feelings of either parent, tough for them.  Your future is more important than your parents.  The most important loyalty is to a wonderful future for yourself.  Be true to that future.  You’re both smart.  Dream big.  Get educated; get great careers.  Be all you can be in the world.  Do what makes your life the greatest it can be.”

When Hope looked at the decisions for herself and her kids that way it was clear and straightforward; not necessarily easy.  It was not a fight between her and her ex, even if he wanted to make it into that.  It was a fight within her kids to struggle for the best future they could imagine versus giving in to anyone who thought the kids should do less and become less just to make them feel good.

Of course, husbands sometimes have to say the same things to counter narcissistic wives.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Divorce or not: with kids

Is it better for the kids if unhappy parents’ divorce or should they stay together for the sake of the kids?

We can’t answer the question when asked that way.  There is no general answer.  There are answers only for each specific family, “How bad is it, for the parents and for the kids?”

And, in the present moment, we can never be sure of the final results because the effects will be in the unknown future.

How bad is it?
Jenna’s husband could be charming when he wanted to but when he didn’t have complete obedience or absolute control he’d become negative, critical and mean.  She thought she could put up with it but when he tormented, bullied and abused the kids, she couldn’t stand it.

He’d never admit he ever did anything wrong or nasty.  His punishment was always their fault.  They deserved whatever he did to them, whether he was “merely” continuously yelling or slapping them until they cried or giving them a very loud and long silent treatment.  He taught them to vie for his affection and to be mean and nasty to each other.  He told them he loved them, and they’d better love him and show it by doing what he wanted.

When she saw the kids cower and try to please him, when she saw them scared and feeling guilty she thought they were suffering too much.  

Do kids need a father?
Jenna hesitated because she’d been raised to think that kids should honor their parents.  What put her over the edge was when he started talking pornography to the older boy.  Her husband was addicted to pornography and always defended it as “harmless.”  Jenna couldn’t stand to see her son corrupted.

She decided that the real question was, “Do the kids need that particular father as a role model?
That question focused her.  She became clear.  That father was a corrupting and poisoning influence.  He was narcissistic and would try to beat or manipulate her children into submission.

Which competing value should Jenna choose?
Jenna decided that her children’s futures were her most important value.  And her most important task was to protect them against harm.  They needed to see their mother stand up against bullying and abuse.  They needed to see their mother protect them.  So she filed for divorce and sole custody.

What should she tell the kids?
One of her values was never to say anything bad about the children’s father.  But if she lied, they wouldn’t be protected.

Jenna decided the most important value was to label the truth so her children could mentally and emotionally defend themselves against a scary and corrupting influence.  In an age-appropriate way, she wouldn’t pretend their father was nice, kind and loving to them.  Their father was not nice; the 20% nice he did was balanced by the 80% manipulation, bullying and abuse.  He was a wolf underneath the sheep’s clothing of the word, “father.”

Her speaking the truth freed the kids to make up their own minds.
The kids knew how they felt with their father and how they felt with her.  They knew where pain and fear lay, and where they were safe.  She finally talked about their father’s narcissism and brutality openly, instead of minimizing or pretending that nothing was wrong.  Their own experience helped them start trusting their own judgment of how much he’d hurt them.  His behavior was not love the way they wanted to feel it or express it.

Maybe, a better question for all of us is, “Which path do we want to go down, knowing we don’t know the future?”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Narcissistic, controlling, toxic parents in old age

Tracy had tried to hide the realization all her life, but at age 50 she finally saw her parents and siblings clearly.  Her parents were narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and toxic.  Her sisters and brother had also bullied and abused her whenever they could.  

She was always told she wasn’t good enough, bright enough or nice enough.  Even when she tried to please them and even when she did all the work and acted like their slave, her efforts weren’t good enough.  Her wonderful marriage and successful career were never proof she deserved anything but negativity, criticism and scorn.

Now they were old, they told her she had to move in with them and spend her money to take care of them.
They didn’t care about her family and her own obligations and responsibilities.  They didn’t care about her savings.  All that mattered to them was what they wanted.  They were physically and monetarily well off but they missed having a servant to criticize and command.

When Tracy hesitated they tried to beat her into submission verbally and physically, like they always had.
They called ten times a day to remind her she was rotten, uncaring and a bad person.  When she visited to celebrate her father’s birthday, he shoved her against a wall and stomped away.  He refused to see her.  She was no daughter of his.  They’d cut her out of their wills.

When beatings didn’t work, they shifted into their life-long patterns of manipulation.
They used guilt and shame, “They had raised her and now she owed them.  How could she abandon them in their time of need?  She was not a kind or loving person.  She was a bad example for her children, who would treat her even worse.  She deserved to fry in hell.  ”

They got the other children and aunts and uncles to bombard Tracy with criticism.  They were too busy to help so Tracy had to.  If she didn’t, the rest of the family would shun her.

When they saw Tracy unmoved, her parents apologized for whatever she thought they’d done.
Since they’d apologized, she could show she’d forgiven them by moving in and taking care of them.

Whose way matters?
Tracy finally saw that in their minds, it was their way or nothing.  When she was 18, they didn’t want to spend money on her so they’d thrown her out even though she was a good girl and hadn’t done anything wrong.  Now, when they wanted to save their money and be taken care of, they wanted her to be their slave.  They didn’t want to face their fears in a new way.

But Tracy didn’t want to do things their way.  

The choices Tracy saw were:

1. Give in to them; abandon her life, move in with them, spend her time, energy and money taking care of them.  After the episode on her father’s birthday, and her siblings’ reactions, Tracy knew that no matter what she did or didn’t do, it would never be enough or right.  She’d be criticized and condemned no matter what she did.
2. Refuse to abandon her life to take care of them.  Tell them to spend their own money or get it from the other three children they’d always favored.
3. Decide how much she wanted to give, maybe depending on what her siblings gave, and pay part for an independent living facility in the city they now lived, far away from her.  That way, she could love them from afar and avoid their toxic personalities.

Tracy chose the third course.  And she told them all if they were nice she’d come to visit on holidays.  But if they weren’t nice to her, she wouldn’t visit and she’d withdraw the money.  She was making her own rules for the benefit of her future and her family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Entitled, victim children: Comments on Jennifer Bricker

I’ve received many comments about my post on Jennifer Bricker, asking me to expand more on the toxic adult children who feel they didn’t get enough from their parents and are still trying to beat or guilt those parents into submission.  See the YouTube Video about her.

They use two sets of tactics:

1. They’re angry and vengeful, and try to beat their parents into submission.  They say, “You ruined my life.  My life has failed because you did bad things to me or you didn’t give me enough.  You’re guilty and I’m entitled.  Now you have to give me everything, and do what I want forever.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.
2. They’re victims, and want their parents to accept the blame and guilt, forever.  They say, “I’ve failed because I was a victimized and you need to give me everything I want for the rest of my life.”  And they’ll go public with the complaints and stories they’ve decided to believe.

In both cases, these entitled, toxic adult children want to remain children all their lives.
They’d rather get what they want from their parents who love them and want to help them become independent and happy, instead of doing the really hard work of getting what they need from a world that’s indifferent to them, that doesn’t care whether they succeed or not.

Growing up means becoming self-supporting and independent; physically, financially mentally and emotionally.  When people become functioning adults then they can go back and revisit their relationship with parents who they think didn’t give them everything they wanted.

There are questions to ask these bullying, abusive children in adult bodies.
“Examine your false beliefs.  What short-term prize do you get by maintaining them despite evidence to the contrary?  Who do you know that has overcome ten times worse than you?  When will you become independent and able to stand on your own feet?”

William Boast summarized it well: “Don’t ask for more until you’ve made something great and wonderful out of what you’ve already been given.”

So simply keep asking those questions.  And give them nothing until they become independent.  And pray they get it.  Only a percent will, but it’s the only approach I’ve ever seen be successful.  I’ve never seen continued giving and continued attempts to educate them be successful.  These toxic children misinterpret every kindness and loving action as an admission of your guilt and the success of their tactics.

Think of Jennifer Bricker’s personality; her fire and joy in facing her life’s challenges despite the huge degree of difficulty.
Hold her up as a challenge to these adults.  You can lead a horse to water but only they can overcome their first challenge.

I’d suggest the same tactics to the children of toxic parents who didn’t get what they wanted or who were brutalized when they were children, and then became narcissistic, bullying, abusive parents to their own children.
As long as their parents continue being selfish, controlling, demanding adults, the children have to let go and let their parents sink or swim on their own.  Or pay for care a thousand miles away so they’re not dragged under and drowned by their parent’s demands.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Whining, complaining kids or adults: Study Jennifer Bricker

If you know kids or adults who whine and complain about hard life is, how unfair it is or how they didn’t get what they wanted from you or the world, suggest they learn about Jennifer Bricker.  And the sister she eventually discovered she has.

Start with the YouTube video from Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel (#184):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPdmXsQMmBc

The whole episode isn’t available but this short clip will lead you to many other short videos that tell other parts of the story.  Worth watching them all.  Worth getting to see Jennifer.  Worth having her for a model whispering in your ear when you need it.

Or read her book, “Everything is Possible.”  But I think the visual is unforgettable.

A few of the weak, spineless people we know may be transformed when they watch.  But I don’t count on it.  I think of it as us handing them another offering of magic potion they can use to grow a backbone.

But if you hear them whining about how easy she had it, you’ll be reminded you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.  Or there are some lessons that cannot be taught; but they can be learned.  And only after people learn that lesson can we help them.  Before that time, anything we offer is rejected or wasted.

So sad.

But she’s one of my models.  And so is her sister.

Or read case study #6 in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and think about overcoming self-bullying, self-doubt and low self-esteem.  The only cure for fear is courage

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Different rules for different situations, people

Suzie was desperate.  She knew she wasn’t succeeding in some areas of her life but she didn’t know why.  She’d tried everything she could think of, but nothing changed those situations.

Her relationship with her husband was wonderful; they had the same rules for how to treat people.  They were always caring, kind, considerate and polite.  When they disagreed, they could talk things through and come to an agreement, or they could deal with differences in ways that showed respect and appreciation.

But with her adult children, with some neighbors and at work, no matter how nice Suzie was, she was faced with outright criticism, bossiness, blaming, bullying and abuse.

Suzie had never been taught she needed different rules for different situations.
She thought the only right way to act was to give people what they wanted, to bend over backward to be accommodating and never to insist on anything for herself.

She hadn’t noticed many other people had different agendas and goals than she did, and they also had different rules about how to treat other people, even their parents.  They seemed to interpret her kindness as weakness.  They acted as if her wishes didn’t count and they could connive or take whatever they wanted. They showed her no respect or appreciation.  They manipulate her or simply demanded what they wanted.

Suzie had forgotten her experiences playing games.
When she was younger, Suzie had been a good athlete.  She’d learned to be ferocious playing soccer and volleyball.  She’d learned to fight hard in family games.

But she’d forgotten different rules for different games.  As an adult, she thought there was only one, right way to approach people, “If she was kind enough, she’d get kindness back from everyone.”

Eventually, Suzie decided that every situation was a different game with different rules for how to succeed.
That decision freed her to observe the inner language people spoke, their rules for success, and to adjust what she did so they’d treat her decently.

In some situations, she could make the rules and keep rule-breakers away.

In her personal life, she could use her rules to decide whether or not to let anyone close.  If they had the same rules, she could grant them access to her personal space.

In other situations, and with some people, she had to accept the rules of the game and adjust her behavior to fit.  She even had to make some people afraid of her.  In every situation, she was observing the other players and adjusting her rules to get what she wanted.  She changed her rules just like she changed uniforms and costumes to fit the activity.

She was actually surprised when that approach was effective in many situations.
Three of her children slowly started treating her with more respect and appreciation, but the fourth was more resistant.  The fourth kept trying to beat Suzie into submission or to guilt-trip her into becoming a slave.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Reconciliation with a prodigal daughter

Marge’s daughter had blown so many opportunities in 15 years that Marge couldn’t remember them all.  The downward spiral had started in earnest when her 17 year-old daughter had begun ignoring every restriction, every bit of loving advice and every attempt Marge made to rescue her.

Marge’s daughter knew best and was always right.
She was critical and sarcastic, negative and resistant, bullying and abusive to Marge.  Even after dropping out of school, selling drugs, becoming addicted to alcohol and God-knows what else, getting arrested and sent to prison, she still wouldn’t listen.  She blamed Marge for every bad thing that’d ever happened to her.  She blamed Marge for all her bad choices and failures.  She whipped Marge mentally and emotionally, and even hit her.

When her daughter became 21, Marge finally protected her personal space.
After a particularly bad verbal attack, followed by shoving and hitting, Marge finally called the police and had her daughter removed.  Marge told her daughter that as long as she was choosing the “Dark Side,” she wasn’t welcome in Marge’s space.

When her daughter raged at her, Marge laughed and said, “I’m over your hurt and pain and anger.  Not my problem.  Get over them with your therapist, not over my body.”
 
Marge made her daughter an offer; a method Marge required for reconciliation.
Marge told her daughter she’d be glad to reconcile with a wonderful daughter who was kind, civil, polite and interested in a great adult relationship.  From now on, her daughter had to please Marge; Marge’s standards would rule her life.  Her daughter could make a long sequence of small steps, beginning any time, to prove herself to Marge.  In the meantime, Marge would be having a wonderful life; full of friends and experiences her daughter would not be part of.

But Marge was not interested in a relationship with a person who’d chosen the “Dark Side,” no matter the name of the relationship.
Marge was clear; all the blaming and complaining, the scapegoating and whippings didn’t matter to her anymore.  She wasn’t interested in her daughter’s dark feelings, reasons and excuses; she wasn’t interested in being vomited on.  Her daughter had chosen her own path.

Marge knew she couldn’t teach her daughter anything anymore.
She could only set conditions and standards for allowing people to get close to her.

Public amends were only the first of many steps her daughter had to take.
Since her daughter had told lies and acted publically, Marge said she’d have to take things back publically.  Then they might meet once in a while at a neutral place for a year or two.  If her daughter threw a hissy-fit, Marge would withdraw again and the clock would have to start from zero.  If her daughter was wonderful for that length of time, Marge might consider next steps.

Marge would never again give her daughter money.
Since her daughter was an adult, she was on her own.  If she couldn’t make it on her own, Marge would be bereft.  And, of course she was scared and still felt a little guilty.  What if her daughter couldn’t make it or if bad people did bad things to her or if she committed suicide?  But Marge wouldn’t bail her out any more.  Her daughter had dug her own pit and she’d have to struggle to get out on her own.

After 15 years, a miracle happened.
Marge’s daughter got it; she turned herself around.  She made the steps Marge had laid out.  She never exploded in a rage, blaming Marge for all her troubles.  After two years Marge was willing to invite her daughter to her home for dinner; the home of her daughter’s childhood.  Marge made sure her daughter no longer had a room or a childhood “shrine” there.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. 1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. 2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don't remain the scapegoat or slave

Joan grew up as the scapegoat in her large, extended family.  They seemed to take delight in blaming everything on her and making her feel bad.  They told her what should do/should have done, brought up every failure, belittled every success, called her demeaning names, criticized everything she wanted, told her she wasn’t good enough.  Her life with them was continued negativity, bullying and abuse.  They never respected any of her boundaries.

She assumed she must be guilty.  Why else would loving family do that?

Even though she had a wonderful marriage and three wonderful children, they still attacked her.

One day, in the middle of a wave of hurt and anger, when they’d belittled her children and belittled her to her children, she had a moment of clarity.  She saw them for what they were; alcoholic, dysfunctional, losers.  They couldn’t hold jobs, their marriages were horrible, they couldn’t be nice, they failed at everything they tried and they lashed out at the world and especially at her.  They were like a pack of hyenas.  She’d never done anything wrong, but they still ripped her to shreds.  When she protested, they ripped at her even more.

Then she felt terribly guilty for judging them.  But the image stayed with her and got more intense with time.  She’d rather die than be with any of them

She wondered, “Why do they do it?”
She hadn’t done anything to any of them that should provoke any hate or anger.  It seemed they just wanted her as a slave who could beaten but would come back for beatings whenever they wanted.

After many hours of psychoanalysis and therapy, with many professional experts, she knew a lot about their childhoods, hurts and failures but she wasn’t satisfied that these had caused them to be so hostile and vicious.

She finally decided she was asking a dumb question, “Why are hyenas, hyenas?”
Her understanding wouldn’t help her change them.

She noticed that she was the only one in the family who responded to nastiness, back-stabbing, manipulation and name-calling with attempts to be nice, kind, logical and rational.  Of course that didn’t stop them.  That wasn’t the language they spoke.  Her problem was in not making them suffer when they whipped her, in not using a language they understood.

She realized she’d never be able to prove herself to them.
Every time she pried to defend herself, to ferret out the truth, to tell the truth, Joan lost.  Their attacks only increased.  They changed the subject.  They weren’t interested in truth.  They were swept up in the thrill of the kill.

“Rising above” never changed them.
Joan was taught that a good, spiritual person should rise above attacks.  She should turn the other cheek; she should forgive.  But whenever she did that, they laughed with joy and attacked her more.  She didn’t want to continue being a martyr.

Joan embraced the straightforward solution, “You’re a swan; don’t stay with ugly ducks.  Go find your true family.”
Joan thought, “I’ve been raised by hyenas, but I don’t have stay with them.  I don’t have to keep coming back so they can take another bite of me or peel my skin off some more.”

Something in her snapped.  She was done with them.  She had to protect her husband and her children from those creatures.  She had to find her true family, far away from the hyenas.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.