Polly knew she didn’t have much time to save her grandchildren from the craziness of her angry, narcissistic, sociopathic daughter.
Her daughter made her life hell, and tormented and brutalized the grandchildren. She then insisted they hate Polly for not doing everything their mother wanted to. All their troubles were Polly’s fault. Polly knew that her daughter wanted to alienate the children from her. Polly also knew the only reason she’d ever see her daughter or her grandchildren would be when her daughter needed money or child care.
Polly had given up on having a meaningful, close relationship with her daughter but she wanted to save her grandchildren from her daughter’s toxic behavior.
She didn’t care if she ever saw her daughter again; she’d grieved horribly at that loss once she’d allowed herself to see what her daughter had become. She couldn’t understand what had caused it but she knew she had to let go or her daughter would suck all her money and blood, and then abuse her for having no more.
But she wanted to help her grandchildren grow up loving and kind, despite what their mother said about her, and despite the hurt and pain they felt being around their mother. They already knew never to displease their mother. Her daughter’s husband also lived in fear of her temper.
What could Polly do to save her grandchildren? Polly finally realized:
- Kindness, compassion and consideration for others would not help the children resist their mother’s craziness and anger. Those qualities, admirable as they are, would be used by their self-centered mother to make them her slaves.
- The kids need to be fierce. They need a fire in their hearts, a fighting spirit to endure their terror and to resist their mother’s bullying, abuse and lies. They need courage, strength and fierce determination not to be beaten into submission.
- They need to keep their Fire and Will secret from their mother until they could get away. If they fought openly, their mother would destroy them before they were old enough to defend themselves. Kids from every physical and cultural war zone in the world need that fierceness in order to escape and to make their own lives. They need to be invulnerable – undefeated by the pain until they could escape the prison they were born into.
- They need to develop a skill so they can become physically and financially independent. They already knew what happened when they were helpless before their mother.
How can Polly help grow that seed of their Souls? A good gardener germinates seeds and then showers them water sunlight, water and manure.
In the short time Polly had with the kids, she could help those seeds grow and bear fruit. In secret, Polly:
- Told the children about the seed they had within them. Told them they needed to develop fierce courage, strength and determination. Encouraged their fierceness as well as their compassion.
- Told them to keep secret their determination. Told them she’d love them always and if their mother separated them, not to believe their mother’s reasons but, when they were old enough, to come find her on their own.
- Sent birthday and holiday presents in big boxes and kept records of every gift. She let her daughter be the one to deny the kids.
- Told them stories about what some of their ancestors had survived, which was much worse that what their mother dished out. Pointed out the great survivors and heroes and heroines in the movies, books and television programs they watched.
- Reminded them of how peace, safety and warmth felt when they were with her as opposed to the shame, guilt and terror they felt with other people. Told them to go where it feels good and to judge “how” people love, not by what they said, but by how good they feel when they’re with them.
- Set high expectations for behavior when they were with her, especially handling their emotions. All the while she created a safe space for them to talk about anything they wanted.
- Told them she was going to be a model for them by living a wonderful life, full of joy. Told them suffering, whining and complaining were victim-talk. They too could make such wonderful lives and she would help them when they got free of prison. Told them they could succeed, no matter what had happened in their early years.
Polly can’t guarantee whether the seeds would grow and bear fruit.
We never know which kids are rocky ground and which are fertile soil. All we can do is supply what we can. Usually one child, or maybe two children, are invulnerable to their mother’s craziness.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.