The Will to Stop Bullies, Stop Bullying

Everyone has moments that matter: moments when our life can go in either direction; moments when we can choose the strength to soar to heaven or the weakness to fall into hell.  You know, those moments in which everything gets absolutely quiet and the air seems to pulse and throb with the power and weight of a choice that will change our life.  What will we do?  Which path will we choose?  What will our life become? All bullies, all targets and all witnesses have those moments when the rest of their lives hang in the balance.  Will they stop bullying?  Will they stop being victims of bullies or of their own self-bullying?  Will they give up in defeat and despair or will they forge ahead, no matter the consequences?

These are the moments when, if we have the “Will,” we can will ourselves into wonderful futures.

Charles M. Blow reminded me of the moments of truth that I’ve seen in the lives of all the bullies and also all the targets I’ve known.  He wrote a wonderful, deep, heart-felt column in the New York Times, “The Bleakness of the Bullied.”

He describes his own experience when he was eight, the subject of “relentless teasing and bullying from all directions – classmates as well as extended family.”  In a pit of despair, he contemplated suicide, only to be heartened when a song, often sung by his mother, leapt to his mind, “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.”

He knew he had “to be brave and patient, that this was not to be my last night.”

Notice the “Will.” Charles was not going to be a victim any more.  Somehow he’d resist, he’d grow, he’d survive and thrive.

Every target of bullying I’ve ever coached had a similar moment in their childhood or in our work together: A moment when they faced the bleakness of a future of continuing to be a victim or, alternatively, the brightness of standing up and fighting back in some way.  In that moment, they each responded to that choice with a great surge of Will, power and energy.  They fanned the spark in their heart into a fierce flame that warmed, strengthened and sustained them.

Once their Will took over their actions, despite a little anxiety, the rest was straightforward.

They would not give in to bullies, predators and abusers.  They would not give in to their self-bullying, negative self-talk, anxiety, stress, fear, panic and despair.  They would not succumb to self-doubt.  They would not let their self-confidence and self-esteem be eroded or destroyed.  They would not be defeated.

They would keep that flame alive by daring to protect and defend themselves; by taking the risk of creating a brilliant and wonderful future for themselves, no matter the opinions of their oppressors or the cost to the old, destructive patterns they had been mired in or the people they were related to.

In “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site, you can read about the moment I had.

Their action plans were different depending on their circumstances but they had the same Will and they learned the same skills.

I’ve seen the same moment of truth with bullies.

One former bully told me of a moment when he was about nine and was the biggest, toughest angriest kid in his class.  He had thought he was simply doing what he had to do to make his place in the world.  Then, a principal hauled him into his office, sat him down and told him, in so many words, that he was a bully and he had to stop or he’d be thrown out of school.  He was too vicious, nasty and brutal to be allowed to continue harassing and tormenting the kids he was victimizing.

The boy was stunned.  He’d never thought of himself as a bully, as vicious and nasty.  And he certainly didn’t want to be thrown out of school.  In that moment his heart broke open and he vowed never to be a bully again, even if he was the biggest kid in the room.

That principal was great because he confronted the situation and acted firmly and effectively, even though the boy’s response might have been dangerous for his career.  He was not a cowardly, do-nothing principal.

Why was that bully seeing me?  He wanted to learn skills to negotiate his adult life without reverting to bullying in order to get his way.  He didn’t want to be a bullying spouse, co-worker or boss.   He didn’t want to be a bullying parent.

What has been your experience?

In all cases, success requires two things of us:

1. The Will – determination, strength, courage and perseverance – grit.
2. The skills to succeed.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Facebook Teams with Time Warner to Fight Bullies

The Associated Press and the Wall Street Journal report that, “Facebook and Time Warner are ganging up on bullies to address a problem that torments millions of children and young adults.  The partnership announced Tuesday calls for Facebook and Time Warner to use their clout to raise awareness about bullying and encourage more people to report the abuses when they see them.” They recognize the need.  Facebook also recognizes the economic problem if they allow massive amounts of bullying to flow through their pages.  Eventually parents will force their kids off Facebook or will start suing Facebook for carrying the content.

Their present effort (“Stop Bullying: Speak Up”) will be focused on educating parents and kids about the problem; on “teaching young people to speak up and stop bullying.”  A pledge not to bully plus Facebook’s effort to make reporting cyberbullying and cyberbullies easier are good steps.

But even the backing by the President Obama’s family won’t stop bullying unless there are laws, policies, programs, and people willing to prosecute bullies for their actions.

That’s why I’d like to see Facebook and Time Warner use their huge influence to pressure legislators to pass strong anti-bullying laws that require district administrators, principals and teachers to stop bullies and protect our kids.  That’s the only way to stop bullying-caused suicides.

The present educational efforts will sway many kids and their parents by sensitizing them to the issue and encouraging them not to be drawn into bullying by the truly relentless bullies.  But these sensitized kids will be encouraged to come forward if, and only if, responsible adults – school district administrators, principals and teachers – respond swiftly and firmly, and protect the kids who speak up.

If the responsible adults don’t step up by passing strong laws and by being willing to confront bullies and their bullying parents, the effort will be “all talk, no walk.”  Legislators must legislate so that principals will be protected in order for them to be proactive in observing bullying and stopping it.  If it’s all talk, the effort won’t survive the first month of school.

Programs that depend only on educating, converting or rehabilitating bullies don’t work.  Strong consequences are necessary deterrents.

As a parent, there’s a lot you can do this summer.  Don’t count on Facebook and Time Warner to do all the work to protect your children.  Don’t count on advertizing/educational campaigns to protect your children

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Sexting: Learning the Hard Way

In a series of articles in the New York Times, “Poisoned Web,” Jan Hoffman details a sexting case gone viral in Lacey, Washington.  What can you do for your son or daughter so they don’t get sucked into the black hole of a sexting catastrophe that could ruin their whole lives?

In this particular case, a middle-school girl sent a full-frontal nude photo of herself, including her face, to her new middle-school boyfriend.  He forwarded the picture to a second middle-school girl he thought was a friend of the first one.  The second girl, an ex-friend with a grudge, forwarded the picture to the long list of contacts on her phone with the caption, “Ho Alert!  If you think this girl is a whore, then text this to all your friends.”  The photo rapidly went viral.

A lot of the analysis about the situation is nothing new:

• Why do girls send nude photos of themselves to boyfriends they have or hope to have?  The same reasons girls always have.
• Why do guys prize and show these pictures as evidence of what studs they are?  The same reasons guys always have.
• Why do friends of the guys or mean girls forward the pictures?  The same reasons that names used to get written on bathroom or phone booth walls.  The same reasons that girls have always cut down their competition and enemies.  Bullies, bullying, harassment and abusive behavior have always been with us.
• Who or what is to blame?  The same culprits get vilified: thoughtless, foolish boys and girls, teenagers, school officials, society, double-standards and technology.

Does technology make sexting worse?  Yes, of course.  Technology makes it seductively easy to forward pictures and comments.  Also, technology makes the information global and permanent.  Kids can’t move to another school or even another city in order to get away from the consequences of what they and others did.

In the past, many reputations and lives were ruined by foolish moments.  Kids and adults have always been able to exercise righteous or mean or vicious inclinations, but it’s so much easier now.

What are the consequences to those caught up in sexting?  The girl who sends her picture may be the subject of vicious attacks all her life.  Her inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience will be tested.  She may feel helpless and that her situation is hopeless.  She may go down the path to being a victim for life.  Her self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed.  Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated.  She can move toward isolation, depression and suicide.

The boy, the second girl and everyone else who forwards the picture have to face their own stupidity or meanness.  And they may have to face their role in a suicide.  An act of a moment can destroy a life.  Also, they may have to face prison.  We hope this will help them do better the rest of their lives.  Humans have always learned some lessons the hard way.

Do today’s kids face overwhelming pressure?  Many people make excuses for the foolish or nasty kids; as if the external pressures are overwhelming.  For example, the article quotes, “'You can’t expect teenagers not to do something they see happening all around them,’ said Susannah Stern, an associate professor at the University of San Diego who writes about adolescence and technology.”  This line of thought focuses on reducing all pressure and temptation.

But pressure was just as great throughout history as it is now – depending on the particular time in each society.

What’s the solution?

• I favor laws to criminalize the forwarding of child pornography – even if forwarded by minors.  That’s our society’s way of saying, “This is dumb and wrong and serious.  We agree that we don’t allow this.  And there will penalties so think long and hard before you do this.”  If we don’t say this, we’ll be enabling the bullies.
• I would require all schools have assemblies and programs in which students and parents are required to participate.  Law enforcement must be involved to present examples of what can happen to the kids who send pictures of themselves and to the ones who forward those pictures.  This will increase awareness of the dangers of kids succumbing to pressure to do something foolish like sending pictures of themselves and of the penalties for kids who forward pornography.
• Parents have the major responsibility to preach, teach and police their children’s use of internet and wireless devices.  This is our ounce of prevention.  As the father of the girl who sent her nude picture said, “I could say it was everyone else’s fault, but I had a piece of it, too. I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement in her use of the phone and texting.  I trusted her too much.”

These steps will decrease the number of kids involved in sexting.  But we’ll never stop 100 percent of kids’ foolish or mean or vicious actions.  But that can’t be our intention.  Our goal is to educate kids whose awareness of the potential consequences of their actions will awaken in them the ability to do better.

Our goal can’t be to educate or convert psychopaths or people who want to make a living off child pornography.  Educational approaches aren’t effective with these people.

I do expect most kids to be able to learn to be stronger, to develop better character and to be able to resist the temptations of our popular culture.  There’s nothing new in the temptations and pressure the kids face.  The only new thing is the ease and permanence that technology offers.  I focus not on making society easy and safe, but on developing individual values, character, heart and spirit.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must design plans that are appropriate to preventing our individual children from sending pictures or forwarding them, and to minimizing the disaster if they act foolishly.

If your children are the targets of cyberbullies or sexting, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome the effects of seeming to have your child’s life ruined by a foolish act in middle-school.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

An Effective School Anti-Bullying Program

Jenny Castor, Denver ABC-TV station KMGH-TV, video journalist reports on a program to stop school bullies that is actually effective, “Students Learn Anti-Bullying Skills Starting In Kindergarten.”  The accompanying video shows training to help “Young Students Exercise Ways To Defuse Mean Encounter With Potential Bully.” The driving forces behind the program at Most Precious Blood Catholic School are the principal, Colleen McManamon and assistant principal, Roxie Mountain-Weed.  While the program is based on standard offerings, they and their teachers and staff are the difference that makes the difference.

Notice these features in what they do:

• The program is fun for the kids.
• The kids learn how to keep their sense of confidence, strength and self-esteem while they practice responses to sarcasm, taunting, teasing, put-downs and harassment.
• Kids learn how to help each other resist and report bullying.  Witnesses really witness; they don’t become bystanders.
• Parents must be involved.  For example, there are mother daughter evenings to overcome the “Mean Mom; Mean Daughter” syndrome.

The training and participation side of the program decreases bullying by a huge amount.  A critical factor, usually not mentioned, is that both Colleen and Roxie and their staff stop bullies in their tracks immediately and get their parents involved.  I’ve met Colleen and Roxie; they’re wonderful, joyous and formidable.  Unlike what happens at others schools mentioned in the Channel 7 “Stop Bullying” series, in this successful program, targets are not made into victims while the bullies are ignored and enabled.

Don’t waste your time with nit-picky detractors and critics who have nothing better to offer.  Some people will say that they can only do this because Most Precious Blood is a private school or that the program takes too much money or that other school principals and staff don’t have the time.  Nonsense.

Look at the price to all kids at a school where bullying is tolerated or condoned, or the friends of bullies are allowed to pile on to victims by threatening and abusing them or by cyberbullying.  We all know the consequences of not stopping bullies and of allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.

At schools that have a do-nothing principal or in which principals blame the victim; avoid the bully,” kids’ inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience are threatened.  You have to be the one to demand that principals keep your children safe while officials try to ignore you or thwart your attempts.

Principals who avoid the issue make the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Of course, even when principals are cowards or are reluctant to protect your children, you can still protect them yourself.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Protect Your Children from School Bullies

In a new interview and article, Theresa Marchetta, Investigative Reporter for Denver ABC-TV station, KMGH-TV reports on the steps you need to take to protect your children from becoming victims of bullies and of principals and district administrators who won’t stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse. Of course, if your wonderful principal protects your children, your two tasks are still to:

• Enhance your children’s inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience.
• Support your principal who may be putting his/her job on the line.

But if you’re faced with a “blame the victim; avoid the bully” or a do-nothing principal, you’ll have to become strong and skilled in your children’s defense.

Some key steps mentioned in the article are:

• Think of “Relentless bullies as predators.  They are not going to stop and will do it over and over again.  I have to let my child know I am going to help protect you.  I don't want my kid to be a suicide, so I’m willing to fight.”
• “My first action is with my children.  I want to let them know they are being targeted, but I won't let them be victims.  I want to build their strength, their character and their willingness to do something to protect themselves.”
• “Second, I'm going to bring it to the school.”
  • “Request a meeting with the school principal…I expect that principal to meet with you the next day, the day after -- that fast.”
  • “To prepare for that meeting, parents must bring any evidence of the bullying including hate notes, e-mails, texts, pictures and any details of the child’s story.”
  • If you cannot stay calm, bring someone who can.  “If you're not calm you'll be targeted as the angry parent throwing a fit.”
• “Does the bullying stop?  I'll give them a week or a day depending on how bad it is…My tests are, is the bully separated to another part of the room or is the bully allowed access to my child?  Is my child the one who is kicked out of class or is my child protected?...If your child, the victim, is the one having to make changes, that is a red flag.”
• If the situation is not resolved quickly, take the case directly to the district superintendent and the school board.”
• If the responsible adults don’t resolve the situation, “Your next step is that you have to up-level.  You have to get a lawyer.  You have to think publicity…You've got to be willing to go right to that level.   When the people who should be protecting our children are fired and sued successfully, it will change.”

We all know the consequences of not stopping bullies and of allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.

Principals who avoid the issue make the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Schools Blame Victim, Avoid Bully

Theresa Marchetta, Investigative Reporter for Denver ABC-TV station, KMGH-TV reports in an article and video on a two more incidents in different Denver area schools in which principals made the bullied girls (aged 7 and 12) do all the changing while nothing happened to the bullies.  They were clear cases of, “Blame the victim, avoid the bully.” This, parents’ say, despite the clear policies the school districts involved already have to protect their kids

Clearly, even if there are laws (which there often aren’t), even if there are policies (which there often aren’t), even if there are handbooks (which there often aren’t); that’s not enough.  Obviously, it takes more than pieces of paper to stop bullying.

Even if the necessary paperwork is in place, it takes principals who are willing to act swiftly and decisively in order to stop teasing, taunting, harassment, cyberbullying, emotional and physical bullying and abuse.

Of course, that means that principals must be willing to stop difficult children and often resist their bullying fathers and mothers who threaten to sue the principal and school district administrators.  Principals know where bullying kids learned to bully.

Of course, principals will tend to turn on the targets who they think will be more malleable and less prone to sue.

The first obvious solution is new principals who are upright and courageous, and who will rally all children and parents to help stop bullies.

The second obvious solution is to require principals and district administrators to stop bullies or be fired.  That will give them the impetus to stand up for what they know is right.

We all know the consequences of allowing bullies to get away with maybe a lecture (if even that) and then allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.

The approach of the two principals makes the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Whatever their reasons, excuses and justifications, would you want to pay those principals to be responsible for your children’s safety?  I wouldn’t.

Colorado Senate is currently considering a bill to start fighting bullying.  According to District 30 House Representative Kevin Priola, “School should be a safe place where kids can go and excel and learn to do reading, writing and math and not have to worry about fear of intimidation.”

Wheat Ridge Rep. Sue Schafer said, “Most importantly, there is research showing that when there is a high level of safety, the CSAP scores go up. Conversely, low safety, CSAP scores go down. This bill is going to raise the awareness of our school boards and our administrators that this has become a serious problem and our bill asks or encourages every school district to do a climate survey.”

The bill doesn’t go far enough or fast enough for the parents of the two girls, who need effective action from their principals right now.

Personally, they’ll have to work hard to keep their daughters’ spirits up.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.  We can plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Mom Demands Daughter's Safety from Bully

Theresa Marchetta, Investigative Reporter for Denver ABC-TV station, KMGH-TV reports on the response of the principal of Roxborough Intermediate School, Douglas County, Colorado to a serious case of bullying. “Irene Rockwell reports that her 6th grade daughter, who had been a peer mentor, choir member, A+ student and student body representative, was made to sit in the hallway so she could hear the lessons while the bully was allowed to remain in the classroom.”

“That was four months ago and until the investigative broadcast, nothing was done to remove the bully from school even though there were many further incidents.”

“The Rockwells said they were in constant contact with Ashley’s teacher, school principal Rick Kendall and other school officials, as the bullying continued.  Yet all along, the Rockwells said Kendall allowed the bully to remain in the same class with Ashley.”

"[Ashley] was sitting outside her class for almost 30 percent of the day hearing instruction because she could not sit in class without being tormented and harassed by this kid," Rockwell said.

“Rockwell read the instructions her daughters received from the school, Ashley and Victoria will sit on the north side of the cafeteria and will sit so she is facing the north wall."

“Soon, Rockwell said, the situation escalated from verbal assaults to physical threats.  My husband and I talked about it and quickly decided we'd be calling the police the next day, Rockwell said.”

If you find this hard to believe, see the video and read the article.  Of course, when principals like Mr. Kendall don’t stop bullies, the bullying and violence increases.

Obviously the principal has not resolved the situation effectively.  Why does the target have to be the one to make all the adjustments and the bully get away with the harassment, taunting, abuse and bullying?

The Rockwells will have to work hard to keep their daughter’s spirits up.  Principal Kendall’s approach makes the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Whatever Mr. Kendall’s reasons, excuses and justifications, would you want to pay him to be responsible for your child’s safety?  I wouldn’t.

Oh yes.  Remember that the Colorado legislature is now considering a bill to raise public and private funds to educate teachers in how to stop bullies and bullying.  I strongly support the measure, but it’s a drop in the bucket.  It doesn’t require principals like Mr. Kendall and school district administrators to stop bullies.  And there are no penalties for principals like Mr. Kendall who allow bullies to continue attacking our children.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.  We can plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Bill Cosby Lashes Phoebe Prince's Bullies, Principal, Teachers

Bill Cosby is right. On a special anti-bullying segment on Larry King Live, Cosby lashed out at the bullies who tormented Phoebe Prince for months before she committed suicide.  He also took on the teachers, principal and school administrators who said that they didn’t know what was going on.

For months, Prince was assaulted, pushed and shoved, called a “slut” and a “whore” and even had soft drink cans thrown at her – all in school.

The eight students involved are all being prosecuted.  Already two students have been expelled from the school and other students will face felony charges in connection with their actions against Prince.

Among the charges against the teens are statutory rape, violation of civil rights, criminal harassment and disturbance of a school assembly.  Prosecutors accuse the students of tormenting Prince “relentlessly” online and in school, often in plain sight of school administrators, right up until the day Prince hanged herself.

On the day Phoebe Prince took her life, one of the bullies wrote the word “accomplished” on Phoebe’s Facebook page.

I also agree with parent Luke Gelinas, who says superintendent Gus A. Sayer, principal Daniel Smith and school committee chairman Edward J. Boisselle should go.

Of course, many failing principals, teachers and administrators hide behind the phrase, “We didn’t know.”  That shows why the most important thing you can do as a parent is often to document your contact with those supposedly responsible adults who actually won’t help you or your child.

Then they’ll hide behind the same plea that was given by the mother of one of the accused bullies, another girl, “Prince was not fully innocent and they’re teenagers.  They call names.”

Can you imagine if principal Smith, standing with the teachers, superintendent Sayer and school committee chairman Boisselle before the assembled parents of South Hadley High School in Massachusetts back in August had said:

• We’ll ignore this whole problem of bullying despite many studies showing that:

• At least 50 percent of high school students are bullied and over 75 percent of the kids in school know who the bullies are.
• When the first incidents of bullying aren’t punished, the number of bullies and bullying incidents grow hugely, and the severity of bullying increases tremendously.
• When we allow harassment, bullying and abuse the victims who are left unprotected by the responsible adults suffer from increased anxiety, stress, shame and depression, and low self-confidence and self-esteem for life.
• Bystanders and witnesses who don’t come forward or who aren’t supported by the authorities suffer from guilt and shame their whole lives.
• Bullies who get away with bullying in youth tend to become relentless adult bullies as adults, in their personal lives and at work.

• We’ll also ignore the many suicides that have occurred because of bullying in middle schools and high schools.
• We won’t have school policies that prohibit bullying or a program that trains us to recognize bullying in the school.  We won’t patrol the classrooms, hallways, bathrooms or cafeteria to see if bullying is occurring.  We won’t work with the police to do anything to the bullies.  When incidents occur we’ll say later that we weren’t responsible because we didn’t know.
• We won’t involve students in recognizing and reporting bullying to us.  If we accidently hear about any bullying, we’ll minimize it and pretend its just “kid stuff.”  If you tell us about your child being bullied, we’ll tell you that we’re too busy to do anything about it and we don’t want to violate the rights of the bullies.
• The bullies in our school are really good kids with anger and self-esteem issues of their own.  They just haven’t had good enough parenting.  That excuses their behavior.  We have to be more sympathetic toward them than toward their targets.

And imagine him finishing with, “Now, parents, we’d like you to hire us, vote for us and pay increased taxes to support your local school and its staff.  We’re going to be your top executives but we won’t know what’s going on.”  Do you imagine the parents at South Hadley High School leaping to their feet with wild applause because they thought that their children would be protected in the next academic year?

I think the lazy, uncaring cowards that are now finding justifications and asking us to excuse their behavior deserve the strongest consequences.

Of course I start with the bullies themselves and their parents, who turned a blind eye and will now protect their little darlings.  They’ll blame Phoebe Prince for being a weakling.  As if they think that what the teenagers did was okay and Phoebe should have taken it like a good victim because it was her fault.

I also say the same about the supposedly responsible adults at school who failed in their primary responsibility; creating a safe environment in which character and values are modeled by adults and in which academic learning can be maximized.

We do know what to do to easily stop 75-90 percent of school bullying.  Are you holding your school administrators and legislators accountable for doing their share?

If you’re a parent of a teenager, do you know what to do to teach your child to be as bully-proof as possible and to hold your principal and staff accountable?

Sexting Suicide: Vicious Boys, Mean Girls and Self-Bullying

Andrew Meacham in the Tampa Bay Times article, “Sexting-related bullying cited in Hillsborough teen’s suicide,” reports on the suicide of Hope Witsell.  Witsell’s death follows the sexting-triggered suicide of Jessica Logan who was taunted, harassed, bullied and abused for similar reasons. Of course, ultimately the choice was Hope Witsell’s, but the principals and district administrators at Beth Shields Middle School and at Lennard High School took the wrong approach.

According to the article, 13 year-old Hope sent a photo of her breasts to a boy she liked.  Bad choice.  A rival girl saw the photo on the boy’s phone and forwarded it to other students.  The photo went viral.  Like piranhas, mean girls and vicious boys at the schools joined the general feeding frenzy.  Hope was accosted as a “whore” and harassed for more nude photos at her school and also at a Future Farmers of America Conference.

Let’s focus on only three aspects of this terrible situation:

1. The school principals and teachers who didn’t stop the frenzy.
2. The mean girl who first forwarded the photo, the other vicious kids who passed it on and the predators and bullies who attacked a wounded target.
3. Hope’s self-bullying.

The middle school has a policy against sexting and disciplined Hope: Suspension and loss of honors and privileges.  But, even though the principal and teachers were aware of the taunting, harassment and bullying, there is no report that they did anything to the predators – No all-school meetings about how wrong the behavior is; no follow-up with the police to see who was illegally forwarding the nude photos; no action in the cafeteria when Hope was being harassed by other students.  Even though they knew what was happening, there was no extra vigilance to protect Hope from the attacks.

They did follow up with Hope’s parents to explain their punishment of her, but they took no action to stop the mean girls and vicious boys.  Also, they never called Hope’s parents when they found out that she was cutting herself.

There’s no much you can do once a feeding frenzy has started, but the legitimate authorities at school and the police can be talking to the kids and their parents.  You must make an attempt to rally parents and students to stop the attacks, even though you think Hope was a dope.

Hope’s diary and conversations with her friends were full of self-bullying.  This negative, critical self talk destroys self-esteem and self-confidence.  Self-bullying makes any kind of setback or embarrassment into a humiliating catastrophe that seems to destroy the child’s life forever.  Looked at through self-bullying eyes, the future will seem hopeless, the person helpless to redeem herself.  As Hope wrote, “Secretly TONS of people hate me.”  That’s the wrong conclusion to draw.

Obviously, there are many places Hope’s parents could have intervened had they known how serious the situation was.  But I think the first one is here: Parenting bully-proof kids begins with helping them stop self-bullying, with helping them build strength, courage, resilience and determination in the face of humiliation, disaster or abuse.

Laws are good, but they aren’t enough to stop foolish girls from sexting.  Laws against forwarding pornographic pictures are good, but aren’t enough to stop people from distributing them.  It takes a concerted effort by adults to set the tone; to create an atmosphere in which all students and parents are aware of the stupidity involved and the harm that can be caused.

Teen Suicides Should Lead to Anti-Bullying, Abuse School Programs

A rash of teen suicides (4 in the last six months) has alarmed a Schenectady, New York school district.  At least two of the suicides have been directly attributed to abuse and bullying, especially girl to girl harassment.  However, the school superintendent has been quoted as spreading the blame, “The community is also beginning to understand that these activities are embedded within neighborhoods and even in the homes across our city and across our country.”  He has also made the point that educators aren’t parents and that their influence and control are limited. I was interviewed by Steve Van Zandt and Jackie Donovan on their Daybreak program on Radio WROW in the Albany-Schenectady area.  Our focus was what the school district could and should do.  Steve and Jackie are great in presenting the issues and fielding calls.

Of course, the superintendent is right, but I’d like to see him step up and tell what part of the problem he’s going to attack with speed, intensity and determination.

First, he sounds like he’s leading a debate down the pathway of analyzing all the factors involved and describing the ones he might label as the most important.  He’s an “educator,” which means he’ll get stuck in “analysis paralysis.”

But he doesn’t have to analyze or solve the whole problem of teen abuse and bullying in society.  He simply has to take responsibility for the number one task of his school district and of each principal.  The number one task is not education, it’s safety and security.  Only when he can guarantee pretty good safety and security, can the principals and teachers in his district do their second task of education.

Second, he doesn’t have to continue analyzing what’s wrong at school, the kids know and each teacher, principal, administrative assistant and bus driver also should know.  One brave middle school student spoke up at a community meeting pleading, “Just help us.  We need help.”  The four suicides, all in the same high school should be a wake-up call to him.

The superintendent is also wasting the summer; his best opportunity to get programs developed and installed.  Summer is the best time to do the behind-the-scenes work to get an anti-bullying, anti-abuse campaign ready so they begin resolutely on the first day of school.  A few straightforward, but sometimes difficult steps are for the superintendent, principals and a core group of committed parents are to:

• Develop programs complete with detailed descriptions of what’s considered abuse, harassment and bullying, and with swift, firm processes to impose consequences including expulsion.
• Get support from teachers and staff.
• Get buy-in from the community and a majority of parents.
• Train teachers and staff in what to recognize and how to respond effectively.
• Kick the program off with the students when school starts.  Teach them what to do if they’re picked on or if they see bullying or abuse happen to someone else.  Teach them how to be bully-proof.

Notice that I haven’t said anything about educating, therapeutizing or rehabilitating bullies.  That succeeds only after anti-abuse, anti-bullying programs are implemented.

Wall plaques saying that students must respect each other are nice but ineffective by themselves.  A detailed program with clear consequences, implemented strategically, firmly and continually can solve 90% of the problems at school.  That’s the best that schools can do

Also, that would be teaching children and teenagers that the adult authorities will actually fulfill their responsibility.  New York may also need laws to force this superintendent to do his job.

School Anti-Bullying Laws: Arkansas Needs to Protect Kids

Why do we need federal laws to make bullying a crime and to require schools to have anti-bullying policies? The saga of Billy Wolfe should be enough to convince you.  Over a year ago, the New York Times reported that Billy was being bullied relentlessly by two bigger guys from his high school in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  He was beaten up in a bathroom at school and on the school bus and in shop class and in Spanish class.  The bullies put up a Facebook page harassing him.  A brother of one of the bullies even recorded on his cell phone camera, the bully getting out of a car, walking up to an unsuspecting Billy, who was waiting at a bus stop, punching him hard enough to leave a fist-size welt on his forehead and then showing the video around the school.

The authorities did nothing while the violence and brutality went on for three years.  Billy’s parents tried to get the bully’s parents and the school authorities to stop the bullying but the assistant principal, Byron Lynn Zeigler, did nothing to stop it.

Oh, he said it was Billy’s fault and immediately suspended him.  He blamed the victim.  Days later Ziegler watched the recording and showed Billy’s parents that their son was innocent.  But he didn’t stop the bullies.

Billy’s parents finally went to court.  After almost a year, the court has ruled on whether to keep considering the motions on behalf of Billy.

Why do Billy and his parents need laws?   Why do we need to require schools to have anti-bullying policies?

According to the story by Scott F. Davis in the Northwest Arkansas Times, although the court kept intact many of the charges, it ruled that the plaintiffs (Billy and his parents) failed to show that the school had an official policy that led to the alleged problems surrounding bullying.

Let’s put that in simple English.  Assistant principal Ziegler argued that since the school didn’t have an official policy supporting bullying, it wasn’t the school’s fault that bullying occurred on school premises and they can’t be held liable for the bullying.  Also, since the school didn’t have official anti-bullying policies, Ziegler didn’t have to stop the bullying; even that part of the bullying that occurred on school grounds.  The court agreed.

Because there are no laws specifically about bullying and beating kids up, Billy’s parents had to try to use laws that are on the books against sexual harassment.

Now do you understand the need for laws that would require administrators to take proactive measures to prevent bullying on school grounds and also laws that would require administrators to stop bullying that’s brought to their attention?

The teenagers at school all knew what was going on.  They saw the cell phone video.  They knew that the legitimate authorities had turned their backs and given the bullies a free hand.  When the responsible authorities allow bullies to control the turf, they allow violence and scapegoating, harassment and brutality.

Billy may have tried to fight back, but that doesn’t make him the problem.  That just makes him one child against two bigger kids.  And with the size disparity that often happens in middle school and high school, he can’t win without adult help.  When his parents went to the school, way back at the beginning when it was only threats, the district wouldn’t act.

I’m sensitive to principals that don’t protect the victims because I’m from Denver.  Remember Columbine High School.

Of course, the bullies’ parents are to blame for allowing their sons to act that way.  But when schools tolerate bullying, the real problems are the administrators (principals and assistants) and teachers.

Have those ignorant, cowardly principals in Fayetteville not learned anything.  There are many schools in the country which don’t tolerate bullying because the principals won’t tolerate it and, therefore, their teachers and staff won’t either.  And the successful ones have no better statutes to back them.  However, they do have consciences.

Whatever the court decides on the basis of law; shame on those adults.  They have shamed themselves and their community.  They are definitely not models who should be allowed to teach or administer for children.

On an individual basis, parents must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if the children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyber bullying, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.  Help your children get out of their previous comfort zones and stop bullies.

True bullies will take empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  It will encourage them, like sharks, to attack us more.  Bullies will show you how far you need to go to stop them.

Read “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Get coaching to design tactics that fit your specific situation.  Take charge of your personal space.

Facebook Cyber Bullying Lawsuit Versus New York Teenager

As reported by Reid Epstein in Newsday, New York teenager, Denise Finkel has sued Facebook for $3 million because, she claims, it carried a fictitious Facebook chat group to bully, ostracize, ridicule, abuse and disgrace her.  The lawsuit states that former high school classmates, Michael Dauber, Jeffrey Schwartz, Leah Herz, and Melinda Danowitz created the chat room in which they falsely claimed that she had “inappropriate conduct with animals,” and had AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. I want to focus on two related areas that I think are more important in the long run.

Of course there will be a lot of furor over whether any or all of the accused four did it and whether Facebook is liable for content that’s not obviously pornographic.  Did Finkel complain to Facebook and did Facebook turn a deaf ear to Finkel’s complaints?  And are the four people guilty as accused?

The first area that I think is more important in the long run is the ongoing effort to make new laws in response to new crimes, especially using new technology.  The natural way that we make new laws begins when some people commit acts not specifically covered under the old laws that have terrible consequences.  We respond by specifically labeling those new actions as crimes, and attach what we feel are appropriate criminal penalties.  Then we see, by trial-and-error, where to draw better lines.  The legal system is inevitably slow, inefficient and never perfect.

Given the increasing number of lives ruined by cyber bullying, emotional harassment and abuse, especially in schools, and the number of suicides stimulated by cyber bullying, I think that our society will make laws specifically stating that false and malicious statements and postings, in addition to pornography, are illegal.  I don’t think we’ll hold carriers like Facebook, MySpace, etc. liable for their postings.  But I think we’ll hold them liable for ignoring complaints about specific chat groups and postings that they continue to carry.

Many states and school districts, including Kansas, Oregon and California are considering such laws to protect children and teenagers from cyber bullying.

One stumbling block in making such laws is where to draw the lines and the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can and should be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh.  But the letter of the laws can never cover all situations with “just right” justice.  We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations.  That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

And I think that in this area, safety should triumph over cyber freedom.

The second area that I think is more important in the long run is parenting for the specific situations involving our kids and teenagers.  Our job is to monitor our children:

1. Do they look like they’re having a hard time (maybe being attacked by cyberbullies)?  How can we help them stop bullying on their own or do we need to intervene?
2. Are they witnessing cyber bullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
3. Are they cyber bullies?  How do we stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
4. Should they even be on MySpace or Facebook or any social networking sites?  What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

And of course there are no easy answers.  No one is really dumb enough to think there are easy solutions.

There are no safe environments.  Schools and the real world have never been safe.  Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.  Imagine growing up on a farm, in a wilderness village or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

Our job as parents is to teach our children the skills and grit to survive in whichever jungle or battleground they live, and to protect them when they’re over-matched.

For practical, real-world tactics designed to stop school bullies and bullying, please see “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Individualized coaching can design action plans to fit your specific situation.  Also, the strong and clear voice of an outside speaker can empower principals, teachers and other students to stop bullying and abuse.

School Anti-Bullying Laws in Oregon May Be Changed

As reported by Betsy Hammond in “The Oregonian,” the Oregon House Education Committee is calling for improvements in its school anti-bullying, anti-harassment laws.  They’re responding to the Oregon Healthy Teens Survey which stated that more than 40 percent of Oregon eighth-graders reported being subjected to name-calling, bullying or other harassment at school, with the highest rates among students of color, girls and gays. But they’re still missing key elements that will be necessary to stop school bullying and abuse.

The Committee recommends requiring all schools to have anti-bullying policies, making the policies public and designating a point person in each school for students and parents to turn to.

I think that to make anti-bullying policies effective you need much more than a wall-plaque containing a policy statement.  You need:

• Ground rules that specify real-world examples of harassment, bullying and abuse that will not be tolerated.
• Guidelines of accepted behavior to resolve disputes without bullying.
• A program containing real consequences to deal swiftly with bullying incidents.
• Specific examples to show bystanders how they can stop bullying in its tracks.
• Proactive administrators, teachers and staff.

Of course that takes training and education.  The 40 percent of the students who reported being bullied and all of the others who weren’t willing to admit having been bullied would vote “Yes” to expending the money.  It’s hard to learn or grow strong and straight when you’re being beaten down repeatedly.

In my experience, the most important factors in making anti-bullying efforts effective are proactive administrators, teachers and staff.  They set the standards and create the culture.  Administrators, who are willing to let victims suffer while they attempt to rehabilitate habitual bullies, actually create hot houses in which bullies thrive.

We need new laws because too many administrators are cowards.  They’re afraid they’ll be sued by parents who want to protect their little terrorists.  Therefore, we need to require administrators to act and also to protect them from suits when they do act.

Children must be taught not to bully the weak or different, primarily by parents, teachers and administrators if they’re going to learn to be more civilized.

True bullies will take empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  It will encourage them, like sharks, to attack us more.  Bullies will show you how far you need to go to stop them.

On an individual basis, parents must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if the children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyber bullying, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.  Help your children get out of their previous comfort zones and stop bullies.

Sometimes, children can handle bullies by themselves, beginning with peaceful tactics and moving step-wise toward being more firm and eventually fighting to win.  Or, depending on the situation, just get the fight over immediately.  Most times, adult help is needed.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed in the real-world.

In addition to professional experience, I learned practical, pragmatic methods growing up in New York City and then watching our six children and their friends and enemies.  And we live in Denver, home of Columbine High School.

For practical, real-world tactics designed to stop school bullies and bullying, please see “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Individualized coaching can design action plans to fit your specific situation.  Also, the strong and clear voice of an outside speaker can empower principals, teachers and other students to stop bullying and abuse.

Stop bullying by your boyfriend’s daughter

Sherry has noticed a pattern between her boyfriend, Robert, and his teen aged daughter.  Whenever Sherry and Robert have special plans, his daughter insists that she needs Robert to take care of her.  If he won’t change the plans, the girl throws a fit, gets hysterical and says that Robert doesn’t love her anymore. Robert immediately changes the plans and does what his daughter wants.  He says that she’s his first responsibility.  He’d feel guilty if he disappointed his daughter; he’s hurt her enough by getting divorced and if he doesn’t take care of her needs now, she’ll never be a better student or happier person.  She’ll feel rejected all her life.

There are also many other kinds of incidents in which Robert shows that his primary emotional attachment is to his daughter.

What would you do?

Robert’s daughter seems to have a sixth sense.  She calls Robert with her problems whenever Robert and Sherry are having a romantic date.  She needs Robert to listen endlessly to her emotional turmoil with her mother (his ex) and other kids at school.

Whenever Robert catches his daughter in a lie, she yells and screams.  By the time Robert calms her down, he’s too afraid to bring up the lie he’s caught her in.

Sherry and Robert both agree; Robert is catering to his daughter.  His daughter is needy, manipulative and conniving.  She uses emotional blackmail, withdrawal of love and hysterics to coerce him.  She’s actually bright and strong; there’s nothing really wrong with her.

Robert accepts his daughter’s view that he has to choose who’s more important; her or Sherry.  Robert gives in almost every time.  He feels guilty and he’s afraid that if he doesn’t do what his daughter wants, she’ll be a failure.  His heart breaks when he thinks of making her unhappy.  Robert is encouraging his daughter to be a selfish, spoiled, nasty brat.

Sherry wonders if Robert’s attachment to his daughter is normal and if she’s being too selfish when she wants more from him.  How can she ask him to choose her instead of his daughter?

Sherry is asking the wrong questions.  She really wants to know, “Will Robert stop bullying by his manipulative daughter?”  Also, “Will he stop bullying himself with his guilt over his divorce?”

The real question for Sherry is: “Do I want to be with someone who puts a manipulative person’s wishes and demands ahead of his own happiness?”  Her guts already tell her, “No!”

She should give him one more chance to recognize the dysfunctional pattern between himself and his daughter and get the help he needs to stop bullying in his life.  His daughter is old enough to understand that while Robert does love her, he isn’t going to take care of her as if she was a fragile, little infant.  He can say “No” without destroying this teenager’s life.  He simply needs the better parenting skills he can learn from “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

My experience is that the Robert’s of the world who don’t change rapidly won’t change in Sherry’s life time.  He won’t end his submission and stop the bullying.

Sherry should not get into debates about what’s normal; not let her false hopes convince her that he’ll change after his daughter has grown up.  Sherry should focus on behavior she wants or doesn’t want in her environment; not on philosophical arguments.  She shouldn’t try to stick it out.  She should get out and find love somewhere else.

Sherry is afraid that if she loses Robert, she won’t find anyone else.  Sherry needs coaching to decrease self-doubt and self-bullying (Case Studies # 8 and 9 in “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks”).

She needs to start living the life she wants to lead.  Just like Lucy in case study # 14 in my book, if she doesn’t trust her own guts, she’ll get sucked in.  The longer she goes on Robert’s roller coaster ride, the harder it will be to get off.  Does she want to settle for Robert and his daughter as the best she’ll ever get?  Does she want the pain?

7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks

Narcissistic control-freaks rule!  They think. Some narcissistic personalities are so over the top that it’s easy to detect them.  You’ll follow your gut reaction and get away as fast as you can.

But watch out.  If you’re not careful, stealthy narcissists will take over your life – at home, in relationships, at work.  Are you sure you can detect the stealthy ones?

Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:

1. They think they know best about everything.  They know what’s best for you; just ask them.  They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say.  They point out all your mistakes and failings.  They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can.  They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along.  Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago.  You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well.  They’re nit-picking, micro-managers.  They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best.  They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly.  They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.
4. They’re more important than you are.  Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world.  Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter.  Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge.  Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions.  Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want.  They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands.  Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game.  You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.
6. Their excuses, excuse.  Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred.  Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do.  They’re saints in their own minds.  You’d better agree or else.
7. Their rules, rule.  They know how the world should be and how people should act.  They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem.  They are virtuous and righteous.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that you give in.

In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time.  Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up.  They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.

Take a look at yourself: What attracts you to someone who is sure they’re important, they’re right and your life would be better if you do what they say or if you serve them?

Kind-hearted therapy-junkies in families or in the workplace think they can convert these selfish, self-absorbed bullies by loving them enough, by appeasing them or by educating them.  Forget it.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Get the coaching you need to get away as fast as you can.  You don’t need their direction.  Don’t ask for or even allow them to give their opinions.  Make your own mistakes and create your own successes.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that narcissists might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” “Bullies Below the Radar” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies, including narcissistic personalities, are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns

In his article for MSNBC, “Rules to curb online bullying raise concerns,” Alex Johnson discusses the need for laws to prevent cyberbullying and also details situations in which schools can overreact in the enforcement of those rules.  The case of teenager Avery Doninger is particularly glaring. The underlying thrust of the article is the need to create exactly the right laws that will give the right result in every situation.  Situations like the cyberbullying suicide case last year make good laws critical.

The real problem is not necessarily the law; it’s the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can ever be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh.  That assumption overlooks history and human nature.  The letter of the law can never cover all situations with “just right” justice.  We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations.  That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

Our society is in the stage of figuring out where we want to draw the lines about a new method, cyberbullying, that bullies and perpetrators use to harass, abuse and attack adults and children.  That’s our normal trial and error process.  There’s no easy answer for protecting kids online. Actually, we make laws in hopes that they’ll yield justice in, say, 95% of the cases that come up.  No matter what laws we make in any area of life, there will be specific situations in which a literal or dumb interpretation leads to an under or over-reaction.  That’s where we hope the individuals involved use good sense and good judgment.

In the case of Avery Doninger, the real question is: Is the law bad or did the school principal get defensive and over-react by not giving a second chance to a good and contrite student who learned an important lesson or is there more we don’t know about Avery?

We’re stuck with the fact that laws, by themselves, will never cover every situation, no matter where we draw the lines; whether it’s about cyberbullies, verbal bullies or physical bullies. I look carefully at the application of any law in a specific situation before rushing in to change the law.  Often the problem is in the application, not in the law itself.  That’s why we have Appeals Courts.

Separate from the general laws are the specific situations involving my kids and your kids (and adults).  My job is to monitor my children:

• Do they look like they’re having a hard time and may be being attacked by a cyberbully?  Are they having difficulty dealing with it?  How can I help them deal with it by themselves or do I need to intervene?
• Are they witnessing cyberbullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
• Are they creating a hard time for someone else (are they cyberbullies)?  How do I stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
• Should they even be using MySpace or FaceBook or any social networking sites?  What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

I’m going to get my answers to those questions by observing them, talking to them and, maybe, using good software like PC Pandora to monitor what they’re doing (http://blog.pcpandora.com/2009/01/29/do-new-cyberbullying-laws-go-to-far/).

Cyberbullies and cyberbullying will be with us no matter what laws we make.  We hope the laws will help us deal effectively with most of them.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

When children and teens learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults. Coaching designed for the specific situations faced by individual parents and teenagers is critical.

10 Best ways to raise spoiled brats

There are many methods that even well-meaning parents use to raise spoiled brats instead of wonderful, creative, well-behaved, civil, strong children.  The fundamental factor in raising arrogant, selfish, nasty brats is their parents’ consistency in attitudes, approach and actions. The underlying attitude that creates demanding, bullying tyrants is that if children are never thwarted or forced to do what they don’t want to, they’ll be more creative and happy, and their self-esteem will be higher.  This attitude is very prevalent among the helping professions; especially therapists and teachers.

What I say will anger people who think in black-while, all-none.  Those are people who think that the only choices are total freedom and praise, or total repression and beatings.  How silly to think that way.

What do you see other people doing to train their children badly?

My top 10 attitudes, approaches, techniques to create willful, domineering brats and teenagers are:

1. Never correct them or say, “No.”  Help them think they’re sensitive, weak and fragile.  Be afraid that if their feelings are hurt, they’ll never get over it.
2. Always give them everything they desire.  Don’t teach them that they might not get what they desperately want at the moment and that they can still be happy.  Give them control of every decision.  Never force them to do what you want.  Instead, always try to get them to understand that you’re right so they’ll willingly do what you want them to.
3. Never show displeasure or tell them that they failed to meet your high expectations.  Always tell them that their efforts are always good enough; no matter how good or pathetic the results.
4. Always tell them that they should succeed instantly or that what they can’t do, isn’t important.  Also, tell them that hard work and struggle aren’t important.  Blame everything that they don’t like on other people (bad friends, bad teachers, bad schools, bad society), not on their insufficient or mediocre effort.  Always tell them that the world is supposed to be fair and make them happy.
5. Always let them misbehave without correction or consequences, instead of calmly applying consequences whether they like it or not.  Hold your tongue or repeatedly tell them not to do something, but don’t actually do anything effective until you can’t stand it anymore and you throw a fit.
6. Always give in to their fits and temper tantrums in order to get them to stop.   Train them that you’ll give them whatever they want if they throw fits in public.
7. Always excuse their bad behavior because they’re “cute” or “creative.”
8. Always allow them to avoid chores or helping out because it’s no fun for them.
9. Be afraid that if they’re angry, they won’t love you.  Always try to be their confidant and best friend.
10. Never smack their bottoms or grab them to make your point or to let them know that sometimes they will do what you want, no matter what.

To raise spoiled brats, consistently give in to them and excuse their bad behavior.  Of course that doesn’t prepare them to succeed in the real-world they’ll face as adults.

If you start these approaches with infants, you can create manipulative, demanding teenage bullies who think that they’re entitled to everything they want and you’re supposed to provide it.  They’re the kind of children who may be living at home when they’re 40.  And you’ll wonder why, deep down, you don’t like them any more than they like you.

But don’t go to the other extreme and beat them into submission.

Think of the qualities you want them to develop and make sure they have many opportunities to practice these qualities.  For example:

• Will, self-mastery, courage and discipline.
• High energy, emphasis on action and seeking solutions instead of blame.
• Grit, determination, dedication, drive, commitment and focus.
• Persistence, perseverance, patience, endurance and tenacity.
• Resilience, flexibility and humor.
• Comfort in ambiguity and productive inconsistency.
• Heroism in the face of discouragement so you’ll treat obstacles like speed bumps.
• Learning from great models, heroes, mentors and coaches.
• Taking calculated risks and making the most of opportunities and luck.

Without your guidance and discipline, they won’t magically develop those qualities when they’re 25.

You’ll find examples in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

No easy answer for protecting kids online

A new pseudo-scientific and misleading study has been reported on by the Wall Street Journal, “No Easy Answer for Protecting Kids Online” and the New York Times, “Report Calls Online Threats to Children Overblown.” I’m sorry the headlines on this article allow people to draw the wrong conclusions, like “Threats exaggerated.”  It’s a mistake to base decisions on comparisons stating that cyberbullying isn’t much worse than other bullying.  A study that concludes that there’s no easy solution is a waste of time and money.

Of course there’s no easy solution.  No one is really dumb enough to think there’s an easy solution.  No amount of software will make the internet any safer than giving your money to Bernard Madoff or crossing the street.

Ignore the pseudo-science of the report.  Instead, pay attention to our individual kids and teach them that “friends” on social networking sites aren’t really friends, they’re merely virtual contacts; no matter how sympathetic they sound or how friendly they claim to be.  Obviously, dealing with malicious and vindictive virtual people (kids or adults) is much more difficult than dealing with people face-to-face.  And we all know how difficult that can be.

Remember the adults who encouraged a teenager to commit suicide.

Cyberbullies and predators on social networking sites are with us.  Of course we’ll find some software to help track down malicious rats and sexual predators, but we can never guarantee safety in the real world.  Striving for absolute safety is the wrong approach.

There are no safe environments.  That was the message I always got from reading the great hero stories when I was growing up.  And each tale challenged me to prepare myself for similar dangers.

Schools and the real-world have never been safe.  I remember a biography of Harpo Marx (remember the Marx Brothers).  He went to school for one day.  The kids threw him out the window (first floor).  He came back in.  They threw him out again.  After the third time he didn't go back in.  And never did again.

Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.

Imagine growing up on a farm, in the wilderness or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

As parents, we have the responsibility to monitor and guide our children and teenagers.  Of course kids will object.  How many of us thought our parents were right when they tried to limit what we wanted to do?  As parents, we must be wise enough to know more about the dangers of the real world than they do and strong enough to stand up to their anger.

We must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if our children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyberbullies, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they’ll develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.

Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Legal weapons against school bullies and cyberbullying

The New Year has been welcomed by a number of articles and blog posts describing legal weapons to help school administrators, principals, teachers and parents take action against all types of bullies. Some recent examples:

• In her blog post, “Banning Cyberbullies,” Joanne Jacobs reports that in California, cyberbullying at school or during school activities will be banned and punished.  The original article, “School Cyberbullying law takes effect Jan. 1,” was in the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin.
• The blog post, “Kansas vs. Cyberbullying,” reports on anti-bullying policies throughout Kansas.  The original article, “Anti-bullying plans and policies for area schools,” in the Topeka Capital Journal details the anti-bullying plans that each school district must provide this year.
• In Barcelona, Spain, a “school ordered to pay 30,000 Euros in damages in bullying case,” for allowing bullies to abuse a student for two years.  Part of the evidence documenting the abuse was in a school video.

These are only a drop in the bucket, but I’m glad some states and individual school districts are making laws to protect children from bullies and bullying.  We need new laws because so many administrators are cowards.  They’re afraid they’ll be sued by parents who want to protect their little terrorists.  Therefore, we need to require administrators to act and also to protect them from legal suits when they do act.

The amount of bullying allowed in a school is completely dependent on the administration and teachers in their tussle with parents.  I’m from Denver and know Columbine High School very well.

On an individual basis, parents must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if the children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyberbullies, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.

Sometimes, a child can handle a bully by himself, beginning with peaceful, non-violent tactics and moving step-wise toward being more firm and eventually fighting to win.  Or, depending on the situation, just get the fight over with the first time.  Other times, adult help is needed.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

Most children will naturally bully the weak or different.  Children must be taught, primarily by parents, if they’re going to learn to be more civilized.

In addition to professional experience as a coach and consultant, I learned practical, pragmatic methods growing up in New York City and then watching our six children and their friends and enemies.

True bullies will take empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  It will encourage them, like sharks, to attack us more.  Bullies will show you how far you need to go to stop them.  Get out of your comfort zone and stop them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed in the real-world.

Should Parents Crack Down on Teasing?

In his post on the Wall Street Journal Blog, “Should Parents Crack Down on Teasing?”, John J. Edwards III asks if parents are cracking down too much on teasing.  Comments ranged from the need for children to learn to fight back to the need for children to learn empathy and tolerance.  Also, there was no clarity about what criteria to use to judge whether teasing was beneficial or bad or wrong. When two people agree to tease and they stay within the limits and boundaries, teasing can be a lot of fun.  And even allow things to be said in a friendly way that might be hard to say or hear in other ways.

But when only the “teaser” wants to tease, and the “teasee” doesn’t want it, then it’s bullying.  Whether the teasing is racist, sexist, focused on disabilities, or because someone is small or smart or different, or the teasers simply enjoy having a scapegoat, or it’s done through cyberbullying – it’s still bullying!

That simple guideline is the same for teasing between adults as well as teasing of and by children or teenagers.  It’s also the same for teasing at work.

The effects on the “teasee” can be very damaging if the “teasee” doesn’t rise up and stop it.  When the “teasee” stops it, he or she grows much stronger in character, courage and skill.

Within our family, we helped the kids see the limits beyond which teasing became hurtful.  When teasing was outside our family, we helped the kids see a continuum from fun teasing, through teasing you might ignore or tolerate, to learning to stop bullying and bullies.  Sometimes you have to move up the scale to fighting back.  If you do, make sure you’re effective.  I wrote about my experiences in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and there are other examples in the book and CDs, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

True bullies will interpret our empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, it’ll encourage them to attack us more.  The bully will show you how far you need to go to stop them.  Get out of your comfort zone and stop them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real-world bullies they’ll face as adults. I learned effective techniques through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.