Don't let employee with bad attitude prevail

Attitude is critical.  If your attitude is good, then misunderstandings, disappointments and adversity can be handled professionally and kept from escalating in serious problems. But a poor attitude can turn even minor issues into a job-threatening mess.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Don’t let employee with bad attitude prevail http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2005/03/14/smallb2.html

For example: Opal was a young employee, new to a well-functioning team.  Her supervisor had already acknowledged that Opal was bright, competent, personable and likely to be a star.  Unfortunately, in Opal’s mind, she already was a star and entitled to celebrity treatment.

Like other team members, Opal was allowed to work four ten-hour days as long as she adjusted her schedule with the rest of the team to ensure coverage at all times.  But Opal rapidly began taking advantage, setting her own schedule without consulting anyone and taking time off at the beginning and end of the day.

These seemed like minor incidents to her supervisor, who reminded Opal of the team agreement about coordinating schedules and pointed out that she was alienating some people.  Opal became visibly upset and argued vehemently that she deserved special treatment.

Opal took a minor, easily fixed issue and escalated it into a big problem.  Opal’s supervisor told her that the agreement to coordinate flextime was the way it was.  Opal retorted that she didn’t like it and her supervisor could expect her to be displeased and show it.

Opal dimmed her own rising star with her bad attitude, made worse because she was so blatantly self-centered and oblivious to team processes.

Opal then reported her displeasure to her boss’s boss.  Later, when Opal’s supervisor took her for coffee, Opal was smug.  She was sure her supervisor had been reprimanded for not handling her the way she wanted.

But Opal’s supervisor hadn’t been reprimanded.  She had a well-deserved reputation for being a considerate, calm person who built highly productive, caring teams - and her boss assumed Opal was the problem.

Opal’s supervisor told her she expected Opal to “display a wonderful attitude toward me and the rest of the team members, whatever your feelings.”

Opal’s supervisor gave her a great gift by having private conversations, being clear about what it took to rise in that company and offering specific advice to help Opal get back on track.

This was a crucial time for Opal.  She hadn’t gotten what she wanted and had thrown a fit.  She’d acted like she did when she was a child facing her mother – using emotional intimidation and bullying to get her way.  If she didn’t change her attitudes, she’d lose her job.

A major test for us is, what do we do when we’ve made mistakes, been reprimanded or been defeated.  Look at the 100 richest people in the world, the 100 greatest people in all of history, the 100 greatest athletes.  They’ve all made mistakes, been dressed down and defeated … and their setbacks have usually been in public.

If you were Opal’s supervisor, what would you do to try to save a potential star?  Some suggestions are: See whole article for details.

• Meet away from the office for only one heart-to-heart talk about attitudes required for success.
• Set clear boundaries – “show this behavior or else” - and stick to them.
• Review the plan with your manager, including a plan if Opal continues going over your head.
• Hire a coach, for two sessions maximum, so Opal hears what she needs from an outside expert.
• Don’t give more chances; don’t reward Opal in hopes she’ll like you and act better.
• Don’t wallow in self-doubt - you wouldn’t get better results if you were sweeter, kinder and gentler. Opal’s mother never did.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Are you responsible for your ex's happiness?

O, the basic trap of enmeshment and co-dependency; when we think we’re responsible for someone’s happiness, for doing what they want.  Both men and women willingly give up their lives to serve others. Of course, overt and covert (sneaky, manipulative, narcissistic, critical, controlling) bullies try any way they can to get us to shoulder that burden.  Sometimes they just want to be catered to but often they actually believe that they’re entitled to our serving them.  Both men and women can be demanding.

Tom’s ex had jerked him around for years before Tom finally couldn’t take any more and divorced her.  Even though he got custody of their son, his ex continued to try to make Tom do what she wanted.  She called him when she needed home chores and repairs, car repairs and computer fixes.  She wanted him to change the visitation times to suit her whims or convenience.  She wanted him not to find anyone else to be interested in.  Of course, she wanted money from him.

Why do we take on the responsibility to serve others? Tom had all the usual reasons:

• He had made marriage vows. It was important to honor his pledges, to never go back on his word.
• He was raised to adjust and accommodate to what other people wanted.  Some of his old rules, values and beliefs were that he shouldn’t push what he wanted, that nice people tried to make others happy before they made themselves happy and that he shouldn’t be selfish.
• One way she’d previously controlled him was by vindictive retaliation; she’d harass and abuse them relentlessly.  He was afraid that if he disagreed or upset her, she’d blow up like she’d always done and attack him and his son verbally, physically or legally.  He didn’t want to make it harder on his son, even though he was now 16.
• The other way she controlled him was through blame, shame and guilt.  If he didn’t do what she wanted, her feelings would be hurt and it’d be his fault.  He couldn’t stand to make her cry by asserting himself over matters he thought “trivial”.  He convinced himself that it was easier to give in; then he’d waste less time defending himself from her emotional outbursts.
• He didn’t think he should ever say anything bad about her to his son.  He thought that boys need to love their mothers.  Even though his son was a teenager and didn’t want to see his mother, Tom felt he should force them together.
• He looked for the path of least resistance.  He still hoped that if he was nice and forgave her, if he appeased or gave in to her, she’d reciprocate and give in to him graciously next time.  Why fight when he could simply do what she wanted?  He’d learned that she’d never give up, never forgive or forget.

Intellectually, Tom realized that none of his approaches had ever worked with her.  She’d never relent or reciprocate in return for his appeasement, begging, bribery or reasonableness.  He knew she was a negative, critical, controlling boundary pusher who kept trying for more once she got something she wanted.

But emotionally, he still looked for the easy way.  It was as if the fight over the divorce had used all his strength, courage and determination.

Underneath all the psychoanalysis, he still felt responsible for making her happy.  She’d once been his wife.  She was the mother of his son.  He was an enmeshed, co-dependent caretaker.

Children are often the reason people finally act. Eventually, Tom realized that if he gave in to her desires he and his son would never be able to live lives of their own.  Also, he’d be giving into his cowardice and a false sense of responsibility.  If he gave in to her narcissism and self-indulgence, he’d be exposing is son to a lousy mom.  He’d be setting a terrible example for his son.  His son came first.

Finally, he realized that she was not the center of his world or his son’s.  We’re all responsible for anything a court requires, like alimony, child support and insurance.  But she was responsible for her own happiness.  He and his son were responsible for theirs.

People divorce to go their separate ways as much or as little as they want, but they are no longer responsible for and intimate with each other.  Tom can wish her well but it has to be from a distance and he has to be not responsible for her.  He has to protect himself and his son from her clutches.

He realized that he’d trained her to think that she would eventually get her way if she forced him angrily or manipulated him through blame, shame and guilt.  Now he’d have to train her differently – and legally.

Some common variants of this care-taking pattern are:

1. Elderly parents – even though they were bullying, abusive, demanding, harassing and crazy; even though they brutalized you sexually, verbally and physically all your life, now they say you owe them or they plead poverty or helplessness.
2. Adult children – they may be incompetent or crazy; they may be lazy, greedy or narcissistic, but now they want to be dependent and they want you to support and cater to them in any way they want.
3. Extended family – they know better than you do about what’s right and they’re totally demanding and/or totally needy.  They say, “You wouldn’t want to disrupt family unity and cohesion by being difficult and uncaring, would you?”
4. Toxic friends and co-workers – they need you to help or rescue them, to make their lives work for them.
5. Clients – many mental health professionals, body workers and healers feel responsible for curing their clients.

Nora Ephron (“Silkwood,” “Sleepless in Seattle,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “You’ve Got Mail”) said that as she got older she decided she needed a list of people and things she simply was not going to think about any more.  In many ways it’s the opposite of a bucket list and just as important.  She started by putting a lot of celebrities in her “Ignore Bucket.”

In order to have the physical, mental and emotional space we need to make the life we want, in order to stop bullies and our self-bullying, we also need an “I’m not responsible for” list.  As a start, Tom put his wife on his list.

Who and what are on your list?

Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess

You probably don’t want an angry, confrontational, bullying boss.  But, do you want the other extreme – a conflict-avoidant boss? I vote, “No.”  Conflict-avoidant bosses create breeding grounds for passive-aggressive employees and self-appointed tyrants.

For example, Helen’s boss is nice and sweet.  And that’s her problem.

To read the rest of this article from the Austin Business Journal, see: Bosses who avoid conflict create a big mess http://www.bizjournals.com/austin/stories/2007/07/23/smallb3.html

Larry is always thoughtful and considerate.  He tries to agree with everyone.  Although he inspects each employee’s results and asks penetrating questions, he won’t tell them what they must do.  If two of his staff disagrees, he won’t intervene and make a decision, or force them to resolve the issue.

Helen has frequent and critical deadlines, but in order to do her job she needs information supplied by Lindsay, another employee in Larry’s department.  Lindsay says she’s too busy to give Helen the necessary information within the agreed-upon timelines.

Helen asks and asks but nothing seems to work.  She tries begging, twisting Lindsay’s arm and even explaining her predicament at team meetings.  She tries every communication and management technique her friends and human resource professionals suggest.  Lindsay simply goes on her merry way and stonewalls Helen.  She’s a sneaky bully.

In public, Lindsay always agrees to do that part of her job but then simply ignores the commitment.  In private she says Helen’s not important enough.  She doesn’t like Helen and she’s going to sabotage her.  In one-to-one meetings with Larry, she undercuts Helen’s needs, communication skills and performance.

Larry says he can’t do anything.  If he tried to force Lindsay, it’d create conflict – and he doesn’t want confrontation.  Larry is so sweet and nice.

Larry avoids conflict with Lindsay but creates conflict with Helen.  He’s upset with not getting what he needs from Helen but not upset enough to break the deadlock.  He’s more afraid of Lindsay than he is of Helen.  Lindsay knows she’s secure.  She has no pressure to serve Helen and no consequences for resisting.

There are numerous variations on this theme but they all lead to the same symptoms.  Performance decreases.  Behavior sinks to the lowest level tolerated.  Narcissisism, incompetence, laziness, gossip, back-stabbing, manipulation, hostility, crankiness, meeting sabotage, negativity, relentless criticism, whining, complaining, cliques, turf control, toxic feuds, harassment, bullying and abuse thrive.  Power hungry bullies take power.

Absentee bosses – whether they’re waiting for retirement, have distracting personal concerns, are mentally tuned out or are cowards – create sanctuaries for unprofessional behavior.  When there’s a vacuum of authority, the most aggressive, ruthless and controlling people are drawn in to fill it.  It’s like the worst behavior of children coming out when their teacher leaves them alone for the day.

Conflict-avoidant bosses don’t implement decisions necessary for overall productivity because they won’t face resistant people and get them to do what’s necessary.

If you avoid facing someone who’s unhappy, you’re abdicating your responsibility as a leader.  You’ll probably live to regret the pain caused by abandoning your duty.  Your good employees certainly will regret it.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Bullying Diet Saboteurs

Sue Shellenbarger’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Colleagues Who Can Make You Fat,” focuses on people at work who try to sabotage coworkers’ diets.  People reported that colleagues and bosses made them uncomfortable admitting they were on a diet 23% of the time. In contrast, dieters said they were uncomfortable admitting that they were dieting to people in personal life – friends, relatives and spouses – 63% of the time.  That is, there are almost three times as many diet saboteurs among those who are closest to us.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Diet saboteurs use many techniques.  They:

• Tease, taunt and mock.
• Criticize, pressure and manipulate.
• Gleefully predict failure.
• Get upset because we’re spurning their offerings of fatty, starchy, sugary, calorie-loaded food.
• Lecture that we’re harming our body by dieting.

The article says that these saboteurs usually mean well.  I disagree. When diet saboteurs continue harassing and abusing us relentlessly, they don’t mean well.  They’re narcissistic bullies who have their own agenda that they think is more important than ours.  They’re righteous. They know better and they’re out to change us – usually by beating us into submission.

Typically, they try to sabotage our diets because:

• They may feel abandoned because we no longer eat the same food with them.
• They may be striking back because they take our change as a put down of their old habits.
• They may feel jealous that they’re not losing weight.
• They may see our being thinner as a threat.
• They may simply not like us and are finding another reason, excuse or justification to mock, ridicule, or put us down.

Who cares what their reasons are?  Understanding their reasons won’t help us stop them.  After the first time we’ve asked them to stop, their reasons for continuing now become excuses and justifications for continued harassment, abuse and bullying.  Bullies always find excuses to continue inflicting pain.

What’s wrong with this picture?

1. People who are closest to us – toxic spouses, family, friends – are the most relentless saboteurs.  Things are not as we would wish. Notice that I didn’t say, “Things are not as they should be.”  Things are as they are.  That’s not what’s wrong with this picture.
2. What’s wrong with this picture is that people feel uncomfortable and that feeling keeps them from doing what they need to.  Their discomfort is their excuse to become victims.

As William Boast said, “It’s important that people know what you stand for.  It’s equally important that they know what you won’t stand for.”

Don’t debate or argue with their justifications.  Don’t accept apologies unless their behavior changes.  They won’t change their behavior; they won’t give up their desire for domination and control.  Instead, stop bullies or get them off our Isle of Song.

These bullying spouses, family members and friends are telling us to examine what kind of behavior we will and won’t allow around us and our families.

To have the wonderful lives we want, we must stop bullying behavior in our personal spaces.  We wouldn’t allow family members to push an alcoholic to have “just one drink” and we wouldn’t allow family abusers or perverts access to our children.  The need to stop diet saboteurs is no different.

Of course, we can start resisting gently by asking them, one-to-one in private, to stop. Or we could ignore it or laugh it off in public.  Those approaches become tests of them.  Do they stop or do they identify themselves as bullies?

We know what doesn’t stop bullies: ignoring, minimizing, conflict-avoidance, begging, bribery, defeatism, forgiveness, appeasement, understanding, unconditional love, the Golden Rule.  Relentless bullies misunderstand our kindness. They take our “rising above” as weakness and, like sharks or hyenas, they’re encouraged to attack us more.

Their relentless attacks force us to confront the central issue: which is more important; good behavior or bad blood?  And when they continue their abuse, bullies force us into an all-or-none choice.  Are we willing to defend the behavior we need to have, even if it breaks the old family dynamic, the code of silence that enables the nastiest spouse or relatives to continue getting away with their abuse for the sake of, “family?”

That choice thrusts us into the second stage of maturity – we’re called upon to decide, as independent adults, what behavior we will or won’t allow into our lives, no matter what the relationship is called.  We’re called upon to have more confidence and self-esteem.

For some examples, see the case studies in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Can We Stop Bullies if We Love Them?

Many comments are similar on the articles:

• Get Away from a Controlling, Bullying, Abusive Husband
• Abusive, Manipulative Husbands Who Control Wives
• Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

Abused, bullied and battered women often end their comments with some version of:

• But I still love him.
• Sometimes he’s nice to me and I still think I can change him, if only I was good enough.
• He still says that he loves me.
• I’m afraid to leave because I’m worthless and won’t be able to make it without him.
• I’m afraid to leave because he’ll kill me.

Today, let’s focus on the idea that woman can’t dump him because they love him.  Of course the same reasons are true for men facing negative, critical, harassing, manipulative, abusive, bullying, battering women.

For a moment, forget what we were taught about love, especially the importance and moral value of unconditional love, when we were young – what it is, what it feels like, how we know we’re really in love and what we’re supposed to do when we feel that way.

Now that we’re adults, we can decide for ourselves what we want to call “love” and how we’ll act when we “love.”  Is love merely lust, or feeling complete or whole, or feeling that we can’t live without the other person?  Do those feelings mean that we’ll be happy because we’re mad for the other person or that we can work out how to live together?  If we feel those feelings, must we move in together and maybe get married?  When we love, must we believe what he says or accept whatever he does, must we be submissive and obey him, must we accept his reasons, excuses, justifications and promises, must we forgive or appease him endlessly, must we debate until he accepts our point of view..

As long as the answers don’t affect our lives, we might have fun speculating about those questions.  But even though love is usually accompanied by real feelings, it’s still an abstract concept that really isn’t a tangible noun, like a physical object is.

A more useful path is to choose how we want to be loved.  That is; what kind of behavior will we allow in our personal space, whether the actions are called “love” or “bullying” or “abuse.”

Also more useful is to choose which of our thoughts and feelings we want to follow in our lives.  Or, which feelings, if any, do we want to let blow us over or sweep us away.

Now that we’re adults with more experience, we can see that when we let some feelings sweep us away, we’re like a sail boat without a rudder or keel.  We’re blown whichever way the wind and current takes us.  We’ve lost control and we’ll never get where we want to sail to.  We’re at the mercy of external forces – his whims and actions at the moment.  Do we want to continue letting ourselves get blown away?

It’s even worse after kids come.  So many women make mistakes about which values are most important.  For example, they think that it’s most important that their kids have a father even if that father abuses and bullies them or only their mother.  Or they think that they most important value is never to say anything bad about their children’s father, even though their observations are accurate and especially necessary to reinforce what their children see and think.  People are being beaten and that’s being called “love.” Children must learn that they are seeing reality and they can trust their perceptions.  Covering up the truth or lying creates self-doubt and undermines their confidence and self-esteem.

I think that it comes down to knowing, in our heart-of-hearts, that we can’t let whatever feeling we call “love” take over our lives when that feeling keeps putting us and our children in harm’s way.  There are higher standards of behavior than that feeling we call “love.”  And that the word “love” doesn’t remove all the pain caused when narcissistic, righteous predators attack their targets.

If “love” means that we’ll never stop the perpetrator and never leave him, he’ll never stop bullying.  Why should he; he’s in control and gets what he wants.  If “love” means that the victim must follow the Golden Rule, never confront or upset the bully and only beg him to change, but never have serious consequences, we’ll never stop bullies.

On the other hand, if we love our spirits, our children and our high standards of behavior that are required in our personal space, then we can stop bullies or get away from their bullying.  The number one factor in changing the behavior of relentless bullies is serious consequences.

We know we must live up to our best aspirations and standards, we must demand only the best for ourselves and our children.  Don’t suffer in silence.  We must say, “No. That’s enough.  I won’t let our lives be ruined for that kind of love.”

Of course, it may be scary, dangerous and difficult to get away.  Of course, we may be poor and suffer at first.  But it’s the only chance we have to clear our personal space so that someone wonderful can come into it; someone who treats us good.  We must not be defeated by defeats.

Three steps are necessary:

1. Taking power for ourselves, and counting on the strength and determination that will come to us when we keep making good decisions by dumping the jerk.
2. Getting help to create a plan and carry it out with determination, perseverance, strength, courage and resilience.
3. Having a wiser and more mature sense of love and which feelings to pay attention to.  That means straightening ourselves out so we’ll love better people who treat us well.

Feelings and thoughts are like the bubbles of carbonation on a soda.  They’re always, always, endlessly bubbling up to the surface and then drifting away.  Some of those bubbles can smell pretty bad.  Pardon the crudity, but we’ve all had brain farts.  And like the other kind, we know that if we wait a minute, the stinky, scary, self-bullying fears, put-downs and “shoulds” will drift off on their own.  We can decide not to act on them and simply let them go.  We can throw ourselves into other thoughts or activities to speed the process.

I’ve focused on bullying spouses, but the same can be said about demanding, bullying, toxic family members, like parents, siblings and extended family.  They bully and say that we should accept the bad treatment because we’re “family.”  But requiring good behavior is a better standard than tolerating bad blood.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullies: Make Some People Uncomfortable, Upset, Angry

Many children are raised with a set of rules such as: “Don’t make anyone uncomfortable.  Don’t hurt people’s feelings.  Don’t upset anyone.  Don’t be disagreeable.  Don’t argue.  Be polite.  Be nice.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Make everyone like you.”  But those are not effective rules for adults in the real-world. Of course, we know why we teach children those values.  Who wants to raise hostile, nasty, argumentative, vicious, abusive bullies?

I’m not encouraging bullies to be nastier.  I’m talking with nice, decent adults who are being harassed, tormented, controlled, abused and bullied, and yet who hesitate to speak up or to protect and defend themselves effectively because they don’t want to break those childhood rules.

Mary is a typical example.  She held her tongue in public when her toxic mother abused her.  She held her tongue when relatives criticized, mocked and demeaned her.  She held her tongue when friends told her what she should do to be the good friend they wanted.

She held her tongue but she built up huge resentment that eventually exploded.

With friends and a few relatives, either she’d get in a fight so she could be righteously angry, blame them and never talk to them again or she’d nurse a cold fury until she felt justified in simply cutting them off completely without explanation.

With her parents, she’d explode and tell them off.  Then she’d feel guilty for being so mean and she’d come back groveling and apologizing.  Nevertheless, she still felt she was the one who’d been wronged and she resented the price her toxic parents made her pay for forgiving her outburst.

With strangers, she sat quietly and never shared what she thought or what she was interested in.  She didn’t want to make them uncomfortable and she was afraid of hurting their feelings or raising a subject that would be contentious.  Most people thought she wasn’t very bright.

Mary was also a master of self-bullying. She’d flagellate herself with self-doubt and self-questioning.  She’d obsess on every slight taken or given and always end up blaming herself.  And she’d judge herself as guilty, no matter what they’d done to her.  She was never perfect.  Her anxiety, stress and negative self-talk led to sleeplessness, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and to depression.

Mary had two underlying and interlocking problems:

1. The set of rules that made “not upsetting people” her most important value, no matter what.
2. Having only all-or-none responses of holding back totally or exploding.  In a sense, she could remain at zero mph or she could go 100 mph, but she didn’t know how to go 30-60 mph.

The solution to the first problem required that Mary examine, as an adult, the rules she’d accepted all-or-none when she was a child.  Children do think in black-or-white but adults have more experience and wisdom.  Mary could see the kernel of value in her old rules, even though her parents had used them to control her all her life.

But as an adult, she could see where those rules were insufficient and what changes were necessary:

• She felt the pain of all the times she’d made those rules the most important ones instead of protecting herself.  She could now see situations in which speaking up or pushing back verbally in order to defend herself were more important values.
• She could see the difference between people sharing their tastes and opinions, versus having an angry exchange with someone trying to convert her to their “absolutely right” way of seeing things.
• She could also see which subjects she simply didn’t want to discuss with which people.
• One of the most compelling moments was when she saw which people she did want to disagree with, whether or not they were uncomfortable or had hurt feelings, because to be “nice” to them would have violated her most important values.  In fact, she reached a point where making a few people, like her toxic mother, uncomfortable or angry was a sign that Mary was on the right track.

She changed her old, out-dated and ineffective beliefs to new, effective ones, encapsulated in the phrase, “Not hurting people’s feelings is a much lower priority than protecting myself or being myself.  I’ll speak what I think and say what I want in the nicest, firmest way and if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.  That way I’ll test whether I want to allow them to be on my Isle of Song.”

That simple change gave her a rush of peace, freedom and energy.  She felt powerful enough to create the life she wanted, which was more important that not making anyone uncomfortable.  She now had the will and determination to learn how to be skillful in protecting herself.

How she learned to respond clearly, simply, kindly and firmly from 30-60 mph will be the subject of another article.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

To Confront Toxic Parents or Not?

Should we confront our toxic parents or not?  Well, it all depends on us, them and the situation?  But here are some guidelines we can use to decide what we want to do. And what’s the “right time, place and way?”

Should we confront toxic parents?  It depends on what we hope to gain from the interaction.

1. Don’t use the word “confront” on ourselves. It’s a dirty word that bullies use to get us not to protect ourselves and not to set our boundaries.  Bullies demand infinite forgiveness and unconditional love – but from us only; not from themselves.  We must “protect ourselves” and we must “set our boundaries.”  That’s a much better way of saying it.  Notice how “protecting ourselves” and “setting our boundaries” are good and necessary actions.  And if toxic, bullying, abusive parents keep trampling our boundaries, we have to ask ourselves, “Why are we with such jerks and control-freaks?  Why are we presenting our throats to vampires?  Why are we still letting hyenas feast on us?  Why do we let sick people vomit on our feet?  Why do we allow them in our space?  Why are we in theirs?”  Protecting ourselves is a more important value than not hurting the feelings of toxic people or not getting them upset or not making a scene or not upsetting the family.
2. Do we hope that “protecting ourselves” will change relentless bullies? Maybe when we’re young and they’ve just started, we might hope that standing firm and saying, “No!  Stop!  Sit!  Stay!” will change them.  Or maybe we might have succeeded by hitting them with a rolled up newspaper or biting them on the lip to show them who’s the alpha dog.  But toxic parents have been mean, nasty, vicious predators for as long as we’ve been alive.  A little kid really can’t resist them or change them.  So by the time we’re middle-aged and they’ve been hurting and bullying us for over 40 years, we can release the hope that we’ll change them.  I’ve seen toxic parents remain bullies even after near death experiences or being cut off from their grandchildren, although those two circumstances are the only ones I’ve seen effective in the rare cases of toxic parents who have changed.  Standing up for ourselves probably won’t change them.  But we can give it one more shot if we want to.
3. Do we hope that we’ll feel better or more powerful after we stand up for ourselves? We may and those are great reasons for defending ourselves and enforcing consequences.  Words are not consequences; words without consequences is begging.  Only actions are consequences.  Take power. Don’t wait for jackals to empower you.
4. Will we speak up in private or public? We usually think of saying things in private the first time someone bullies us.  But after a private talk, relentless bullies will think they can ignore us since we’re defending ourselves in private and they’re attacking us in public.  Therefore, we have to speak out in public. Don’t let a lie or an attack or a put-down or sarcastic criticism pass unchallenged.  We can protect ourselves in the moment, in public by saying, “That’s not true.  That’s a lie.  You’re still a bully and I won’t put up with bullying any more.”  Don’t debate or argue whose perception is correct.  We stick with our opinion; we’re the expert on us.  Make them leave or don’t stay with they if they don’t change.
5. Might protecting ourselves change the family dynamics? Too many families hide the truth and live on lies.  Too many families protect bullies and perpetrators because “That’s just the way they are” or “We have to put up with abuse because it’s family.”  No.  We don’t repay a debt to toxic parents by being their scapegoats or whipping posts because they once gave us food along with abuse.  Don’t collude with these crimes.  Speaking out can change the dynamics.  Test everyone else.  We’ll find out who wants to be friends with us and who wants to repress us – for whatever reasons.  We’ll find out who we enjoy being with and who we won’t waste precious time with.
6. Should we say something if we’re witnesses? Definitely.  Be a witness to these crimes, not a bystander.  We can protect other people we see abused.
7. Will protecting ourselves set a good example for our children? Yes.  And it’s crucial for us to set great examples.  Be a model!  Don’t sacrifice our children on some altar of “family.” Protecting children is more important than any benefit they might get from being with toxic grandparents.
8. What’s the “right time” to speak up? If we hope to change toxic parents, the “right time” and the “right way” can be considerations.  But for any other reason, the time to speak up is always “NOW” and the place is always “HERE.”
9. Should we talk to our parents in a safe environment with our therapists present? The first step in stopping bullies is connecting with our inner strength, courage and determination.  We are the safe place in any situation!  We’re adults now.  So what if they attack us one more time.  Don’t be defeated.  Look at them as predators or jerks and score them “failed.”  We’ll feel much stronger if we say what we have to say firmly and then be strong and apply our consequences when they attack us.  If people aren’t nice, don’t waste time on them.

Notice that all these considerations are about us and our judgment, not about the right way to convert toxic parents.  It is about us and the personal space we want to create and what behaviors and people we’ll let in.

How can we still relate to the nice people in the family? I think that we can only relate to those who want to have a wonderful relationship totally separate from the toxic parents.  That is, we’ll talk to the nice and fun ones, text them and see them on our own without our toxic parents being part of that.  Is that sneaky?  No.  That’s just cleaning up our homes and sweeping out the crud.  And not allowing it back in.  Tell the good relatives what’s going on and see if they want to have fun with us.

What if we don’t act dignified in protecting ourselves? We have to stop expecting ourselves to be perfect and stop bullying ourselves.  Of course we won’t be skillful at first.  But the more we practice standing up for ourselves, the more skilled we’ll become.  Which is more important: protecting ourselves or looking dignified?

We each make our own decisions and choices. Now we can make them with a better idea of what’s motivating us and what’s likely to happen.  If we try to talk with them one more time and they attack us again, maybe that will be our last attempt to carry the burden of making a good relationship possible.  Maybe now it’s their turn.

We must ask ourselves, “Are we doing all the work of self-analysis, apologizing, appeasing, communicating and being perfect?  Are we wasting our time trying to turn hyenas into vegetarians?” If we don’t defend ourselves in public when hyenas attack, we’ll only encourage them to go after us more.

We must listen to our pain and trust our judgment.  We must trust our accurate opinion of what predators will do – they will attack us when they want.

Some toxic parents simply attack us relentlessly.  Others lure us close with overtures of friendship or claims that they need us to help them now that they’re old only to attack us when we come near.  These tactics are like those of a pervert trying to lure a little girl intro his car.  Don’t get into a pervert’s car!

“Create an Isle of Song in a Sea of Shouts.”  And don’t let anyone dump toxic waste on your Isle.  Create a better life with better people in your space.

For some examples of stopping toxic parents, see the case studies of Carrie, Doug, Kathy, Jake and Ralph in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

It’s your life.  Be the hero of your life.

During Divorce: Six Things to Tell Kids

During the typical arguing and fighting leading up to deciding to divorce and during the divorce process itself, what should and shouldn’t you tell the kids?  When you think there’s still a chance to salvage the marriage, should you tell them nothing is wrong so they don’t worry?  Should you re-assure them that you and your spouse will be together forever?  In a nasty divorce, should you tell them what a rat your soon-to-be ex-spouse really is?  How can you protect the kids from being scarred and totally messed up later? Whatever you decide, you must deal with each child and situation as unique and design your answer to deal with each child’s questions in an age appropriate way.  And keep adjusting as they grow older.

Think of the process as your needing to peel layers off the children’s concerns.  One concern will lead to another or maybe you’ll return to a previous one.  Saying something one time will not be enough.  You’ll have to return to some issues, depending on the individual, many times.  But don’t make a problem where the child isn’t.

You’ll think very differently if the divorce is amicable or if it’s a nasty, vicious, vindictive power-struggle to the death.  In one case, you’ll probably say “We” a lot while in the other you’ll probably say “I” a lot,.

If it’s an ugly situation, don’t pretend that your ex is perfect.  Be truthful and distinguish between what behavior the kids can count on and what’s just your opinion.  Always ask them to check things out for themselves; like little scientists.  Help them think of reasonable tests; who keeps promises, who’s on time, who are they afraid of, who can they rely on, who blames, shames and guilt-trips?

Some guidelines, not rigid rules:

1. Don’t allow the “Big Lie.” When the children sense that there’s frustration and tension that sometimes boils over into anger, bullying, abuse or violence don’t deny their kid-radar.  Don’t tell them everything’s fine and that they’re wrong.  The most important verification they need is that they’re sensing and seeing reality.  They must know that there is trouble and that they can sense it.  For example, “Yes, you’re very smart, you can sense what’s going on and your radar is accurate.  That skill will help you the rest of your life.  Sometimes, I don’t tell you what’s happening or why, because I want to keep it private or maybe you’re too young to understand yet or I don’t want to upset you unduly.  But I want you to ask me if you worry about anything.”
2. The most important assurance they need is that they can be fine. For example, “I know this can be scary and hard and you’ll have lots of questions.  Over time, I’ll answer them as best I can as we work out our new living arrangements.  But the most important thing is that you dedicate yourselves to having great lives.  Never let anything get in the way of that.  No matter how scared or upset you might get, overcome it.  Make sure that you’ll look back on this tough time as just a speed bump in your lives.  Make sure that you’re not bothered much by it.  Your parents’ fights have nothing to do with you.  You’re not the cause of them.  You’re fine.  We just don’t get along.  Your job is to grow up and get independent and find someone you will get along with.  And that this tough time isn’t a big deal in your life.”
3. Help them overcome uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, fear and panic. Assure them that you’ll always care for them and take care of them, in whatever way you can.  For example, “We’ll figure out how to be together and be safe and have good times.  I’ll always see that you have the things and the opportunities you really need.  It’s always hard when we’re in a transition or in limbo waiting to see what will happen and you don’t have control.  Your job is to focus on what’s most important for you right now and that’s not the emotional turmoil you’re living in.  The turmoil isn’t your doing.  Your job is to take charge of what you have control over; your moods and attitudes and efforts, which means school.  Make this turmoil as small and colorless in your life as you can.  Don’t step into it; stay outside of it.  This is good training for you in mental and emotional-control.  These are the number one skills you need to learn in order to be successful later in life.”
4. Help them deal with mean, nasty kids who taunt, harass or cut them out. For example, begin with developing their inner strength, “Not having as much money as we did or having some other kids act mean because your parents are divorcing is not really important.  You can be invulnerable.  You may feel like you need to be liked or be friends with those kids now, but when you’re out of school, with 70 years of life ahead of you, you won’t care what those kids think.  You won’t want to be friends with those kids.  More important, you’ll see that they’re acting like jerks and you’ll decide never to care what jerks think.  You’ll have the freedom to go anywhere and be with anyone so, of course, you’ll choose to be with people who love and like you, appreciate and respect you, and who treat you better.”  Follow up by making sure the school principal stops this bullying.
5. Some other questions they might have are: Are all marriages doomed, will I choose the wrong person just like you did, will we kids be split up, can I stay at the same school, will my other parent move far away so I never see them again, whose fault is it, do I have to take sides, will I still have grandparents, will I still get birthday and Christmas presents, can I use guilt or my temper tantrums to manipulate you, will I still have to brush my teeth?  Don’t give into them or give them everything they want because you feel guilty, want them to like you more or think their lives are too hard.
6. Don’t use your kids as your best friends, confidants or therapists. Don’t use them to comfort yourself or as pawns in a vicious struggle.  They’re your kids; they’re not adults or lovers.  Take your emotional pain and baggage somewhere else.  You have to be a responsible adult, no matter how difficult that is.  If you can’t, you should consider making safer arrangements for them.  For example, “This is too painful for me to talk about.  Sometimes I get tired and stressed out, and I blow up or lose it.  I don’t mean to.  When I’m like that, don’t take anything I say seriously.  Suggest that I need a time out.   Your job, children, is to look away and focus on your own tasks so you can have great lives as you grow up.  No matter how hard it is, you have to focus on school and getting skills so you can take care of yourselves when you’re adults.  That’s what’s important.  Your future is what’s most important to me.”

The big message is about the wonderful future they can have.  The big message is that they can/should/must decide to let this roll off their backs.  Even though it’s happening to them, they can be resilient. They can move beyond it and create wonderful lives for themselves.

We adults make a mistake if we worry that when bad things happen, the children are automatically guaranteed to have huge problems later in life.  Looking at them as too fragile and helpless to resist the effects of a difficulty, divorce or trauma is like giving them a terrible thought virus.  It’s easy for them to catch that virus.

Actually, our responsibility is to protect them from that too common virus.  For example, they might tend to worry that since a classmate is so traumatized because their parents are divorcing they’ll be messed up also.  You might say, “No.  You’re strong and wise and brave and you have me to keep reminding you that you’ll be fine.  Stop bullying yourself.  Take power over yourself.  So choose to be fine; dedicate and discipline yourself.  Choose to be successful, no matter what.  That’s my wish for you.”

Tell them stories about ancestors or great people who overcame the same or even worse situations in childhood.  For example, “Don’t be victims of what happens to you.  Be one of the ‘Invulnerables.’  Did you know that a study of 400 great people born in the 19th and early 20th centuries found that most of these people had absolutely horrible childhoods?  Yet they were not destroyed by what had happened; they were invulnerable.  They became much stronger.  They had great lives – including wonderful marriages.  You too, my beloved children, can choose that path for yourselves.  Please do.”

Since all tactics are situational, you’ll need expert coaching rather than just guidelines.  We’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” have many examples of kids growing up under very difficult situations and learning to take command of themselves.  For personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Sneaky, Manipulative Bullies

A typical tactic of sneaky, manipulative bullies is to convince their well-meaning targets to try to make the bullies happy.  Although covert bullies and control-freaks aren’t usually so clear, straightforward and blunt about it, what they say is, “You’ve made me unhappy.  It’s your fault that I’m upset, angry, violent and abusive.  If you only acted the way I want, I’d be happy and nice.  It’s your responsibility to make me happy.” Common examples of this tactic are:

Common examples of this tactic are:

• An abusive spouse yells, controls and beats his partner. Then he blames his loss of self-control and self-discipline on the target.  “If you did what I wanted, I’d be nice.  You brought it on yourself.  It’s your fault I treat you so badly.”  See the case study of Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
• A covert bully in the workplace will get hysterical and claim to have low morale until you give her everything she wants in order to calm her down and raise her morale. You’ll have to keep the goodies coming because she’ll never trust you; every day you’ll have to convince her anew by doing what she wants. An overt bully at work will use the same approach as an abusive spouse for outrageous acts of bullying, abuse and violence.
• Facing the temper tantrums of two year-olds, you’re teaching them how to get what they want from you; by being nice or by being nasty.  You’re also training them how to feel when they don’t get what they want.  They learn whether it’s okay to fight you as if not getting what they want is the end of the world or if they have to develop more self-discipline and control.  Once you’re defeated by a two year-olds’ temper tantrums, you’ll have to do what they want forever, or else.  The best way to create a spoiled brat is to accept the task of providing for their happiness.  The worst consequence of your giving in is that they’ll grow up convinced that they can’t be happy unless they’re catered to.
• Using surly, grumpy, demanding, entitled behavior, teenagers can manipulate or browbeat their parents. Teens will claim that if they fail in life, it’ll be your fault because you didn’t give them enough.  Or they’ll threaten to hurt themselves or damage the house if you upset them.  However, your job is to turn the responsibility around.  You might give them things if they make you like it, not if they try to beat you into giving them what they want.  See the case study of Paula in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

In all these situations, sneaky, manipulative, covert, stealthy bullies try to get what they want by using emotional blackmail and name-calling.  For example, if you don’t give them what they want, “You’re insensitive, selfish and uncaring” or “You’re not a nice person” or “You don’t understand how I feel, what I’ve lived through or how hard it is for me” or “You wouldn’t want me to repress what I feel.  I don’t have any control over what I feel.”

Their hidden assumption is that other people (you) are responsible for their attitudes, moods and happiness.  They have no control over how they feel about getting or not getting what they want.  Also, they have no control over how they act when they’re upset.  And, therefore, your job is to make them happy.

I disagree with all those assumptions.  Also, if you accept the guilt, blame and responsibility, you’ll be a victim for life.

The negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode your spirit, sap your strength, ruin your focus and destroy your courage.  Looking at yourself with their hostile eyes and talking to yourself with their critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased voice can be demoralizing and debilitating.  Constant repetition of all your imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide.  Don’t go there.

Their bullying and abuse will continue and escalate.  If you accept the responsibility to please them in order to get them to treat you decently, you’ll give them what they want and all they have to do to keep you giving is never to be satisfied.  Since you’re responsible for their feelings and actions, there will always be more things you have to do to please them.

Don’t let them destroy your inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience.  Don’t go down the path to being a victim for life.  Don’t let them destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.  Don’t let them stimulate your anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  Don’t let them push you toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Instead, break the game.  Don’t accept the responsibility for their feelings and actions.  You don’t have to be perfect before they have to change how they act.  Give the responsibility back to them.

For example, you can say, “I’m not responsible for how you feel and act.  You are.  I don’t have to make you happy.  You can choose how you feel and what you do, no matter what’s happening.  I’m going to focus only on behavior and decide whether to keep you around based only on your actions.  Your reasons, excuses and justifications won’t count.”

And then you have to make the consequences count.

If a stealthy, manipulative bully says, “You’re being selfish,” you can respond with, “Thanks for noticing.” And you keep doing what you were doing.

The tactics they use tell you how close you want people to be; how close you want to let them come to your wonderful, peaceful, joyous island.

All tactics are situational so we’ll have to go into the details of your specific situation in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” has many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Bullying by Your Kid's Temper Tantrums

‘Tis the holiday season and kids’ expectations are high.  They want what they want and they want it now! We may want to draw new lines, cutting back because of the economy or because we’re just tired of their whining and complaining or because we think they’re on the path to become spoiled brats.  But if we don’t please them, many kids will throw temper tantrums in public, as well as at home.  They’ll scream that you’re unfair, that all the other kids get what they want, that their lives will be ruined if they don’t get what they want right now, that they won’t have a social life, that they’ll be picked on because they’re poor and that they hate you.  Or if they’re very young, they’ll just scream.

They’ve made a list and they’ve checked it twice.  They’ve kept score and know you’re embarrassed by the fuss and more likely to give in when they meltdown or get out of control or go ballistic in public.

They’re just like we were, if our parents let us be. If we’re distracted now, embarrassed or lack confidence, we’ll make exceptions when other people are around and we’ll give in.  Of course, the kids will smell blood and up the ante.

So what can you do?

1. The key is not to be embarrassed, distracted or self-judgmental.  Be clear; if they don’t get what they want it really is not the end of the world.  Don’t let their self-confidence and self-esteem depend on external stuff or other people’s opinions of them.  Don’t take personally what they say.  Do not care about or look at other people (including your parents) to see if they’re disturbed or disapproving.  If you care what other people think, your children will know that they’ll eventually win.  If you lose it; kids know that they will win eventually.
2. The rules don’t change in public, although your actions will be different in each different situation.  Explain in private beforehand what you can afford and can’t afford, and what you think is appropriate and not appropriate.  Be clear about the areas in which they have no choice and where their vote counts and where they have total control.
3. Normal children are supposed to learn how to manipulate you to get what they want; their job is to see if bullying works on you – where and when.  Their job is to test you by pushing your boundaries to find out where they can get their way.  Your task is to look at them lovingly when they’re throwing a stubborn fit because you can see how that determination, strength and perseverance will help them when they grow up.  That doesn’t mean you give in to them.  Your job is to stay calm and to assert your will to educate and socialize them whether they agree or not.  You can give them your reasons in a way that makes it a statement of fact, not a matter for debate, not a matter they get to vote on.
4. Children just want to know the rules and boundaries.  You help them feel secure when you’re consistent, calm, smiling, loving and firm.
5. Have a get-away plan before you go anywhere.  You and your partner-spouse will have to agree beforehand.  That may mean taking the kid for a walk or leaving early.  If they lose it, you will have to get them away and do your best to calm them down.  Don’t put them in situations where they get too hungry, tired or “wired” by too much input, sugar or caffeine.  For some kids, a big lesson is that they’ll be removed while everyone else is having a fabulous time.  Show them that their upset is definitely not contagious.
6. When the children are very young (pre-schoolers), long before you think they can understand language, you can calmly and firmly state, “If you behave like that, I won’t take you any more.”  And then remove them.  You’d be surprised: they understand your calm firmness long before you think they can.  Often, you can distract them with whatever is around and interesting in the environment.  If you train them now, you might be able to enjoy their polite and civil company when they’re teenagers.
7. Sometimes, with older kids, you can break them out of a fit by grading their performance.  Just like you see in the Olympics, line everyone else up and give grades for the performance – a 6.9, an 8.7, a 9.2.  With a loving smile and laugh, encourage them to do better, to shoot for a hissy-fit that’s worth a 9.9.  Give them a big round of applause or a wave.  Then go about your previous business.  The more you’re enjoying yourself, the less they’ll push the tactic of throwing hissy-fits; the less they’ll think that negativity, anger, rage and explosions will get them what they want.  By the way, boys will often stop any behavior you call a “hissy-fit.”
8. If you lose it once in a while, there will be no permanent damage.  Of course there are a small percent of children who make the fight with you a matter of life-or-death for them.  Calmly convince them that’s not a good use of their energy and they won’t win that fight until they’re 18 and leave home.  If they continue that fight, they’re telling you they need serious help.

If you give in when they’re young, you’re training your children to be abusive, bullies, a.k.a. spoiled brats who think they can get what they want through harassment, abuse and bad behavior.  It’s hard enough for them to make their way through life with good behavior; it’s much harder if they’re badly behaved, grown-up brats.

For a great example, see how single-parent Paula stopped being bullied by her teenage daughter in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  Of course, every situation is different so you’ll need expert coaching to design a plan that fits you and your children.

Stop Your Teenage Bully

Parents who bully children, and parents who bully and abuse each other are all too common, but an often unrecognized bullying situation is teenagers who bully their parents, especially their single parents. Of course, teenage girls can be manipulative bullies, but for a typical example, let’s focus on a 19 year-old boy who is mentally and physically capable of being independent but who’d rather sponge off his mother and lead an easy life at home.  He’s not working enough to support himself, he’s not succeeding in full-time school and he’s not struggling sixteen hours a day to become an Olympic champion.  He’s merely hanging out trying to have a good time every moment.

These adults can become physically as well as verbally abusive.  Their simmering rage when they’re thwarted can be frightening.  Usually they’re selfish, narcissistic control-freaks, lazy, demanding and surly, and feel entitled to whatever makes their life work most easily.

They’re good at arguing.  They want to convince you that “love” and “support” mean that you give them money.  You have to love and give to them, but they don’t have to give anything in return.  Their hidden assumption is that if you can’t make them agree with any changes, they don’t have to change.  They’re masters of whining, complaining and blaming others, especially you, for their problems.

They’re great emotional blackmailers: “A good, loving mother would take care of me while I’m getting it together.  A caring mom would help me.”  They’re also master manipulators of your fear that, if you don’t cater to them, they’ll fail in life and it’ll be your fault, not theirs: “I need your love to keep me away from bad company.  If you kick me out, I’ll be emotionally damaged.”  They’ll subtly hint that they’ll commit suicide if you don’t coddle them.  They always have a friend who has a “good mother” taking care of him.

Your caring and fear make their arguments seductive.  No matter how much you had to struggle on your own to be successful, it’s easy to think that if you only give them one more chance, they’ll finally wake up and get it.  So you give him one more chance – over and over and over.

Popular culture also makes their arguments seductive.  Most people have been raised to think that loving your child (“mother’s love”) means giving them what they want.

In my experience, one path in dealing with healthy, intelligent teenage boys almost guarantees failure.  That’s the path of giving them what they want.  The more you let them leech off your energy, wallet and good will, the softer they’ll become, the harder it will be for them to become strong and independent, the greater the chances that they’ll fall in with other lazy losers.  The more you give them, the more lazy, entitled and spoiled they’ll become.

In my experience, the path that has the greatest probability of success is to kick those little birds out of the nest before they grow too big for their fledgling wings.  They’ve already grown too big for the nest.  In order to fly, they need to strengthen their wings by use under pressure and stress.

Of course there’s a risk.  They might fail and turn to drugs, booze or burglary to support themselves.  They might give in to depression.  But, in my experience, staying home wouldn’t prevent that.  Leeching off you will only make them weaker.

Confidence and self-esteem are developed by succeeding at real and difficult challenges in which there’s a chance of failing.  Staying at home avoids important, meaningful challenges.

Some of the things to say to them when you tell them they’re moving out, depending on the circumstances, are:

• “I know that inside you, you have this great one of you struggling to take charge of your life.  Now’s your chance for that ‘you’ to take over.  Struggle and succeed.  I’d rather you struggle and prove me wrong while hating me, than that you love me and stay here as a whining, complaining loser.”  Use the word “loser” a lot.  Challenge them to prove you wrong.
• “This is not a discussion or a debate; you don’t get to vote.  This is definitely not fair according to you.  I know you think I don’t understand your side of it or how hard it is in today’s economy, but that’s the way it is.  I’m protecting myself from my own flesh and blood, who’d suck me dry if I let him.  You can try to argue but it won’t change anything.  It’ll just waste your time.  If you threaten me or damage the house, I’ll call the police and there’ll be no going back.”  Don’t engage in debate.  Walk away.
• “I love you and this is scary for me, but that fear won’t stop me.  If you become a loser, just like (fill in the blank), I’ll be sad and cry that you wasted your life, but I won’t feel guilty.  I won’t regret what I’m doing.”  Then walk away.
• “I’m going to have a joyous, good time in my life.  After you move out, if you make it fun for me, I’ll take you out to a restaurant sometimes or have you over for a good meal.  But if you nag at me and make it a rotten time, I won’t want to waste my time with you.  Your job is to make it fun for me to be with you.  Yes, that’s blackmail.  You pay for my attention, kindness and money.  Be the nicest to people who are closest.  Be nicer and sweeter to me than you would be to a stranger.  Suck up to me as if you want something from me.  You do.  Even if you can prove to me logically that it’s not fair, that’s the way it is.”
• “You, my beloved son, are now facing the choice we all face in life at this age.  Will you settle for being a loser with a good excuse – your mother didn’t love or suckle you enough – or will you be a winner despite your mother?  Every one of your ancestors faced this.  Your ancestors lived through plague, famine, flood, war and slavery.  They lived through worse than you.  I know you have the stuff of a hero in you.  Your choice is whether you bring that out and succeed, or to be a whining, petulant, blaming loser.”
• You have the body and mind of an adult.  You want to make adult choices in living the life you want.  Now you’re being tested.  Being an adult means taking care of yourself financially and physically.  You probably didn’t prepare yourself.  That’s your problem.  I could never teach you anything because you never listened to me when I gave you good advice.  We both know that.  You think you know everything.  You think you know what’s best for you.  Now prove it.  The less you learned useful skills, the more you’ll have to struggle now.  So what?  That’s just struggle.  I hope you’ll grow strong by struggling.”
• Mom, make a specific plan.  For example, “You must be out by (date).  If not, I’ll throw your stuff out the window and call the police if I have to.  No negotiation.  No promises.  We allow little children to get by on promises and potential.  When they’re 13 or so, we start demanding performance.  Now that you’re 19, I demand performance.  Your performance earns what you get.”  Mom, don’t give in to satisfy one more promise.  Think through what you’ll give, if anything, and under what conditions.  My bottom line is, “Make me enjoy it and I’ll consider it.  Beat me up, physically or verbally, and you get nothing.”  The more calm you are, the better.  If he can get you upset, he’ll think he can win again…as usual.

Your teenager will be sneaky and manipulative in pushing your buttons and boundaries.  He’s mastered manipulating you for years.

Single parents are often easier to bully than couples.  For example, see the case study of Paula bullied by her daughter, Stacy, in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Stepchildren can jerk your chain more.  A couple that disagrees strongly (one stern and one permissive) can be the worst case scenario.

This is a start.  Because all solutions depend on the specifics of the situation, you will need coaching.  Some circumstances that might alter your plans are if your teenager is not physically or mentally competent or needs extensive mental health counseling or is 13-16 or is a girl or there are drugs or alcohol involved or there are younger children at home?

Stay strong and firm.  Don’t let him move back in even for a just week or month.  It’ll reinforce the laziest in them and it’ll become permanent.

Stopping School Bullies Requires More than Laws, Policies

State laws and school policies are necessary, but they’re not enough to stop school bullies.  The third necessary ingredient is the responsible people who are paid to make schools safe.  If teachers, psychologists and counselors, assistant principals, principals, district administrators and school board members don’t create effective school programs and don’t enforce the laws and policies, perpetrators will be freed and their targets will be victimized. According to the ABC News and investigative reporter Theresa Marchetta, Caitlin Smith was sexually assaulted in the final days of a summer program for incoming freshman at Englewood High School in a Denver, Colorado suburb.  The evidence seemed clear-cut and, indeed, a court recently found the boy guilty of unlawful sexual contact with no consent.

The school had suspended him for the last three days of the summer program but what happened when school started in the fall?

The story is titled, “District Policies Fail Teen Victim: Guilty Attacker Remains in School.”

In summary, the victim was ostracized and the perpetrator was allowed to roam free.

• In order for Caitlin to be allowed to enter school, the vice principal had the Smiths sign a “No-Contact Notice” which reads, "You have been involved in an incident that may be criminal in nature," and suspects can not "harass, threaten, annoy, disturb, follow or have verbal/physical contact with any victim or witness in this incident.”
• The perpetrator was immediately allowed back in school with Caitlin in the fall.  He did not sign a No-Contact Notice and was still allowed back in school.  This is despite a statement by Englewood Superintendent Sean McDaniel that, "I think that [the No-Contact Notice] would be a piece on the perpetrators side not on the victim’s side."
• On Caitlin’s first day back in school, she was taken right back to the scene of the attack.  "They guaranteed they wouldn’t take me down that hallway. I was freaking out, crying, upset.  I didn’t want to go through, was closing my eyes,” she said.  School authorities asked Caitlin’s mother to keep her daughter out of school.  She reports that, "They're asking me to hold my daughter out of school and giving an education to a child [the bully] who shouldn't even be there."
• To deal with such incidents, the Englewood School District has policies “which clearly states, multiple times, what happened to Caitlin was a ‘level one’ offense, ‘those which will result automatically in a request for expulsion to the superintendent.’”
• When Marchetta asked Superintendent McDaniel, “Should a student be expelled or consider being expelled for having unwanted sexual contact with a student?" he replied, "Absolutely, no question.  Sexual contact?  I would expect an administrator to suspend with a recommendation for expulsion.  Then, that would land in my office.”  But he then admitted that the perpetrator was allowed to remain in school without even signing the No-Contact Notice and that now, over six months after the incident, he didn’t know what the principal was doing about the situation.
• When Superintendent McDaniel was asked, “theoretically speaking, if it would ever be acceptable for a student accused of committing such an offense to remain in the population during the proceedings, he answered, ‘That’s a great question.  No,’ [he added], ‘In that scenario to just to turn the kid loose back in to the student population with no requirements, parameters?  No, I can not foresee a situation like that.’"  But he then admitted that the perpetrator was allowed to remain in school without even signing the No-Contact Notice.

Parents and students need to know what to do after such an incident:

• Don’t hide; make a fuss.  Immediately go to the appropriate school authorities and the police.  That’s like we encourage victims to report rape immediately.
• Don’t stop at being polite, sweet and docile; at being a “good girl.”  Immediately, find out what the school policies and state laws are.  Ask for what you need and be prepared with consequences for authorities who won’t act.
• Find and rally other students and parents who have been harassed, bullied or abused – emotionally, sexually or physically.  If any other kids excuse the perpetrator’s behavior and tell you that you’re being too harsh or if any other kids hassle, threaten or bully you, report them.  Record evidence; that’s what cell phones are for.  Travel with your friends.
• Give the school principal, therapist, district administrator and school board members one chance to act strongly.  Do they rally other students to protect you?  Do they deal swiftly with friends of the bully who harass you?  Don’t be put off by stalling tactics.  Be strong, brave and firm.  Read “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”
• If the authorities won’t act, immediately get a lawyer skilled in both the pertinent laws and in how to bring media pressure to bear.  Plan an overall strategy and tactics.
• Get an expert coach or therapist to keep your spirits up and to rally your strength and determination.
• Don’t accept bullying; don’t take the blame.  In most cases the girl is not a “slut” or “whore” that others will call you.  It’s usually not your fault.  You should know that if the school authorities won’t act, they’re the problem, not you.  You don’t have to be perfect according to their standards in order for them to actively help you.  Don’t indulge in self-bullying.  Negative self-talk, blame, shame and guilt never help.  They only increase anxiety, stress and depression, and destroy confidence and self-esteem.  Don’t believe negative predictions; your life isn’t ruined and in 10 years you won’t want to be friends with your high school classmates – certainly not the hyenas who pile on.

Isn’t it amazing that this happened in a Denver suburb near where the Columbine High School shootings occurred?

As you can see, state laws and school policies are necessary to give principals and administrators the leverage to act safely without fear of law suits by bullying parents of school bullies.  But the responsible authorities must be willing to act courageously, energetically, skillfully and effectively.  When they don’t, laws and policies become scraps of paper, blowing in the wind of their excuses.

Since the principal and district administrator didn’t protect a target of such bullying and abuse, I predict that there have already been other incidents at Englewood High School and there will be in the future.  Bullies are predators.  They look for easy prey and they push the boundaries.  Once one hyena gets away with boundary pushing – darting in, ripping off some flesh and darting back safely – the rest of the pack will pile on.

In addition to the perpetrator and his family, the principal and district administrator have a lot to answer for.  I hope a public outcry focuses on them.

The Golden Rule Doesn't Stop Real-World Bullies

In his article in the Costco Connections, “Stop Hassling Me: Breaking the Cycle of Bullying,” Steve Fisher quotes Psychologist Izzy Kalman as saying:

• “School anti-bullying programs don’t work.”
• “I hate referring to kids as bullies.”
• “Be nice to kids when they’re mean to you and before long they will stop being mean.  This is known as the Golden Rule and is the solution to bullying.”
• “Don’t tell on kids who upset you.”
• “Don’t get angry at kids who upset you.  Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you.  After a few days they will stop.”
• “If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself.”
• “If a kid hits you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened.  If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, ‘Are you mad at me?’  If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you.  If they are angry, they’ll tell you why.  You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you.”

Dr. Kalman doesn’t work with the targets of real-world school bullies.  His advice is great for the targets of nice kids who are bullying one time because they’re having a bad day.

But real-world school bullies will be delighted by kids making Dr. Kalman’s responses.  Real-world bullies are relentless predators who look for weak and isolated prey.  You can’t stop real-world bullies by being nice, understanding, kind and rational, or with the Golden Rule.  Real-world bullies take your use of the Golden Rule as a sign of weakness and an invitation to bully you more.  Real bullies don’t have the empathy to stop abusing you because your feelings are hurt or because you’re a caring little saint.

Also, many school stop-bullying programs are effective when they’re based on real-world solutions, backed by strong principals, teachers and parents.  And labeling bullies and bullying as “bullies” and “bullying” is a necessary component of successful programs.

How do I know this; check your own experience.  Ask yourself about the kids you saw who were nice, but had one grumpy day versus the kids you saw who were relentless bullies.  What stopped the relentless bullies?

My personal and professional experience and the experience of almost everyone who comments on articles and blogs is the same: The only way to stop bullies is to stop them.  That may mean that the school authorities recognize them and stop them or get rid of them.  Or that may mean that you get more and more firm until they quit.  This may mean, eventually beating them up.  Relentless bullies will show you how far you have to go in order to stop them.

After bullies are stopped or removed, then you can work on their therapy and rehabilitation.  But I wouldn’t want my kids to be victimized while we wait for the bullies to become nice citizens.

Although Dr. Kalman’s suggestions are directed at bullies in school, how many of you have seen his suggestions as successful in stopping the real bullies at work?  Again, all the lawsuits and comments about workplace bullies show that real bullies are relentless and don’t stop when you’re nice, kind, understanding and reasonable.

The other expert in the article, Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,” on the other hand, has much right, but she also makes a common mistake when she advises, “Don’t tell your child to fight back.”

Sometimes, fighting back is the only language a bully understands.  And your suspension from school is worth stopping a bully.  The same applies at work, where fighting back usually means a law suit backed by great documentation.

The signs of cyberbullying

The post on the PC Pandora Blog, “The signs of cyberbullying,” refers to an article by Elizabeth Wasserman, “Warning signs: Is Your Child Having Cyber Issues?”  The original article gives a good list of some of the signs that your child might be having trouble dealing with cyber bullies.  The follow-up post refers to the PC Pandora software that will alert parents if their child is either being the victim of cyberbullying or is even a cyberbully him or herself. The signs they listed were: * Changed work habits, grades slipping, failing tests. * Losing sleep or sleeping too much. * Increased insecurity or irritability.

I would add withdrawal and lack of communication.  These warning signs are really some of the warning signs that teenagers are having problems with any issue they can’t resolve by themselves, not only cyberbullying.  They’re tip-offs that parents need to talk more with their children and find out what’s going on.

However, the solutions suggested by the experts in the article fall short in the real-world.  They all stem from the ideas that kids are experts and parents should not upset or pressure their children too much.  Instead, parents should only make what I think of as weak suggestions.

However, suggestions are nice but are usually not enough.  Most children may be more expert than their parents about technology but: 1. They don’t know what’s best for them.  I hope that as parents with much broader experience, we know a lot that our children don’t and they have already had the opportunity to see that. 2. They’re not more expert than we are about dealing with bullies.  I hope we have many ideas they haven’t thought about, even if that might mean they would have to go outside their comfort zones or we might have to intervene.

We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell us or to problem solve with us.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?  But that’s the universal task.  Their liking it or not is not the most important criterion.

I know parents who have even prohibited their children from wasting time on social networks like YouTube, MySpace and Facebook.  They want their children to have face to face social activities with real people they can judge face to face.  How’s that for a concept.

I also think that to put a dent in the amount of cyberbullying, we’ll need Federal laws to make it illegal and then the willingness of social networks to turn over records of cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.