Don't be Blackmailed into Choosing Between Bullies or Your Spouse

Sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies try to force us into difficult, all-or-none choices.  They figure we won’t make the hard choice; we’ll choose them instead.  Don’t accept the choices they present to us. Don’t give them control of how to look at things. For example: Tim’s first wife had died 20 years ago and he’d been happily married to Jennifer for 15 years.  She’d tried to be a good step-mother to Tim’s daughter and son, despite hatred and intense provocation, especially from Tim’s daughter, Coral.

Coral was now 28.  She’d harassed, abused and bullied Jennifer all during her upbringing.  Two years ago she’d even slapped Jennifer in the face.  Coral’s excuse was always that she was still suffering because her mother had died, because Jennifer didn’t give her everything she wanted and because it was Tim’s fault that he wouldn’t defend her.

Actually, Tim had been riddled with guilt and, although he’d pleaded with Coral to be nicer to Jennifer and to himself, he’d never enforced any consequences that mattered to Coral.  In fact, he’d trained Coral to believe that if she was nasty and negative, and threw temper tantrums long enough, he’d relent and give her what she wanted.

Jennifer had always felt like a second-class citizen, lower on Tim’s priority list than Coral.  Tim always excused Coral by saying that she was young and still suffering from her mother’s early death.  He excused his tolerating Coral’s behavior, his not protecting Jennifer by saying that eventually, if he loved and forgave Coral enough, she’d come around.  He didn’t want Coral to feel unloved.

Jennifer thought Tim simply avoided conflict with his daughter because she’d never be reasonable, apologize or compromise.  He gave Coral control because Jennifer was reasonable and understanding, so he could more easily ask her to give in.

Finally Coral had the leverage she wanted.  She gave birth to Tim’s only grandchild.  Then she laid down the law.  He’d have to choose: either her and his grandson or his wife.  If he chose Jennifer, he’d never see his grandson and Coral would bad-mouth him to everyone.  She’d also turn his grandson against him.

There are many other examples in which bullies below the radar try to force these difficult choices on us:

• New husbands or wives who try to force spouses into choosing between them or the kids from a previous marriage.  It’s especially difficult on the parents if the biological kids are going through a troubled time and spreading their unhappiness around.
• Toxic parents who want us to choose between them or our spouse.

In all these examples, a bully presents us with a difficult choice: them or someone else we love.  In all these examples, we know the truth we’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging: someone we love is bullying us.  They’re trying to beat us into submission in order to get what they want.  We also know the difficult truth: if we give in to this blackmail, it’ll never end and the price will keep increasing.

So what can we do?

In all these examples, the same process opens the door to the rich and grand future we yearn for:

1. Accept that we’ll never get what we want if we give in to blackmail. Accept that the blackmailer wants to control our lives – they want to tell us what’s right and what we must do; or else.  Accept that we’ll never change these narcissistic predators by begging, bribery, peace-making, the Golden Rule or unconditional love.  Tim had to accept that although he loved his daughter, he didn’t like her and he dreaded any interaction with her.
2. Decide what behavior we must have and what we will tolerate in our personal space. Forget about the name of the relationship and focus on the behavior. Set high standards for how people have to behave in order to be invited into our space.  What values are more important than which others?  What’s the life we want to live, given the givens that other people try to force on us?
3. See the choice for what it really is.  Tim finally saw that the choice was not between his daughter or his wife; it was between being beaten and controlled by his daughter or his life. In order to have the life he yearned for, he had to choose to be a person worthy of that life.  He had to have the courage of his deepest desires.
4. Protect our personal environment from pollution, even by those we love.  That meant that Tim had to act with courage and determination to defend his personal space from any toxic polluter, even from his daughter and from the weakest, most needy, most cowardly part of him.

By choosing the life he wanted, which he shared with Jennifer, Tim chose the possibility of a wonderful life.  He and Jennifer started doing things they’d always wanted to.  They stopped wasting their time thinking about Coral.  Tim stopped being depressed and riddled with shame and guilt.  They started being happy.

But what about Tim’s broken heart because he couldn’t see his grandson? There’s no way around that.  Tim’s daughter was adamant: she wouldn’t let him see his grandson.  However, we must remember that we can never appease predators and vampires.

But eventually, Coral and her husband divorced and her husband, who had finally seen how Coral operated but was no longer afraid of her, let Tim and Jennifer bond with his grandson.  Eventually Coral needed money and Tim had to decide if he wanted to put her on a pay-for-play plan.  Should he give her a little money each time he and Jennifer saw his grandson?

For some examples of different tactics, see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Best Methods to Stop Bullying in Schools

The principal and teachers at Sheila’s school were proud of their efforts to stop bullies.  They had a team, including a psychologist, to deal fairly with students accused of bullying. They were certain that:

1. Students became bullies because they’d been bullied at home.
2. Bullies had low self-esteem and weren’t aware of other ways of making friends.
3. Bullying was in retaliation for bad treatment and that if provocation decreased, so would bullying.
4. If other students stopped hurting the feelings of bullies, bullying would eventually stop.
5. Since bullying was not the fault of one person, negotiation and mediation, would eventually stop bullying.
6. The best way to stop bullying was through forgiveness, sympathy, compassion, understanding, education and compromise.

These educators were not going to let those poor, damaged kids who’d turned to bullying be harassed, taunted or abused, verbally or emotionally, or through unjust accusations.

What’s wrong with this picture?

For example, when Sheila finally had enough and complained that a clique of mean girls made disparaging remarks about her weight, hair, pimples and un-cool clothes, her teacher asked for proof.  Sheila could only offer her word against the girls who denied being mean to her.

Since there was no proof, and the accused clique was composed of popular girls, Sheila’s teacher told her that she didn’t believe those girls would act so mean and Sheila better watch her false accusations.  The teacher said that Sheila was probably jealous and maybe she should dress better, lose weight, make friends and avoid antagonizing the popular girls.

Sheila’s mother met with the teacher, principal and school psychologist.  They assured her that there was no evidence for Sheila’s accusations.  Then they asked many questions about Sheila’s home life and psychological state.  Maybe Sheila was going through something difficult at home.  Or maybe she was simply jealous and suffering from some teenage turmoil because she didn’t fit in.

They suggested that Sheila try to make friends with the popular girls – be nice to them, ask them what upset them and try to change that, give them friendship offerings, open her heart to them or turn the other cheek if she was misunderstanding what they said to her.  Maybe Sheila was simply too sensitive to the way high school girls naturally were.

They told accused clique of girls that Sheila had complained about them and encouraged them to be nice to her, despite her complaint.

Having been forewarned and directed at Sheila, but having no consequences to make them stop bullying, the accused girls escalated their attacks and got sneakier.  Sheila was subjected to daily barrages of hostility, venom and meanness.  When nothing happened to the clique, they got bolder and eventually beat Sheila up in the bathroom.

Unfortunately for them, a teacher happened to be in one of the stalls and heard the whole scene.

The school officials now initiated their program to stop bullies.

• They investigated to find out what Sheila had done to provoke the attack.
• They told Sheila’s parents to trust them.  They were working on the problem, but because of confidentiality issues, they couldn’t share what they were doing.
• They encouraged Sheila’s parents not to talk with the parents of the clique girls.
• They encouraged Sheila’s parents not to go to the media or to a lawyer.
• They assured Sheila’s parents that the quieter the issue was kept, the more likely there would be a rapid resolution to the situation.

The principal and therapist had Sheila meet with the girls to mediate the situation by themselves.  They told the girls that they thought the students could solve the hostility on their own and that Sheila was willing to compromise with them.

At that meeting, the girls pinched Sheila, punched her, pulled her hair and threatened her with worse after school.  Then they told the principal and therapist that they’d apologized and promised not to do anything if Sheila would treat them nicer, but that Sheila had called them names, insulted them and refused to compromise.

Over the next six months, the attacks on Sheila increased, and the principal and his staff kept trying to educate the bullies.  Subjected to repeated teasing, taunting, harassment and physical abuse during this time, Sheila’s inner demons emerged, she gained more weight, became morose and depressed, and often had suicidal thoughts.  Her confidence, self-esteem and grades plummeted.  She even went through a period of guilt, thinking that the way the girls treated her was, indeed, her fault.

It took a lot to overcome her sense of despair and defeat, activate her fighting spirit and help her recover a sense of purpose, determination and hope.

By the way, the truth of Sheila’s accusations was later verified because one of her narcissistic persecutors had proudly used her phone to record most of the attacks.

There were many early warning signs that could have alerted Sheila’s parents that school officials would do nothing to stop the bullying. There were:

• No school-wide program including parents to stop bullies.
• No training for teachers, administrators and other personnel (janitors and bus drivers) to recognize the early warning signs of overt, covert, verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying.
• No effort to monitor areas of the school where most bullying occurs.
• No proactive effort on the principal or teacher’s parts to look for bullying.
• No effort to gather proof before it dropped unexpectedly into their laps.
• No effort to keep Sheila’s complaint confidential.

I could say a lot about specific steps that the principal, teachers and therapist could and should have taken to protect Sheila.  But they were the kind of do-nothing administrators who eventually make the headlines.

However, for this article let’s focus on the assumptions these educators had that assured that they wouldn’t consider protecting Sheila effectively.

1. There are the ones listed at the beginning of this article.
2. These supposedly responsible authorities cared more about understanding, educating and forgiving the bullies than about protecting their target or about creating a safe environment at their school.
3. They thought that the feelings and confidentiality of the bullies were more important than Sheila’s pain.
4. They were willing to sacrifice Sheila for the sake of education and therapy on the bullies.

Almost every student at the school knew what was happening and recognized the accepted culture of bullying.  That’s why there were no witnesses; the students knew better than to risk their necks when they wouldn’t be protected by the adults.

As is usually the case, in a school in which bullies are not stopped, Sheila’s treatment was not an isolated case.  When Sheila’s parents made her situation public, many other parents came forward with reports of how their children had been bullied by other students and how the administrators had not protected them.  Even after many other cases surfaced, the principal and his staff maintained the same approach.

Only the results of extensive media publicity, a court case and the intervention of a district administrator changed the situation.  Actually, more publicity resulted in a faster resolution of the situation.

Obviously, I don’t think that education, compassion and therapy are the best methods of stopping bullying.  The best method is to stop the behavior:

1. Create an atmosphere in which bullying is not tolerated.
2. Remove bullies.
3. Protect targets; don’t convert them into victims.
4. Encourage witness to come forward, not to become bystanders.

Then we’ll see which bullies respond to education, compassion and therapy.

I won’t sacrifice the targets for the sake of the bullies.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song

Sometimes things are very clear and straightforward even though carrying them out may be difficult.  But that’s a lot better than not being clear. Rabindranath Tagore, Nobel Prize winning poet, said, “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.”  This vision provides clarity about the direction we want our lives – situation after situation. But the process varies with the specifics of our individual situations.

We can begin by protecting the ecology of our Isle of Song.  Just as we wouldn’t allow toxic dumpers, we won’t allow people to trash our Isle in any way.

Therefore, we clear the bullies from our lives and we create space for the right people to come in.  The reality shows also say the same thing, although not so poetically.  “Vote selfish, narcissistic, insensitive, nasty, abusive people off your island.”

Who do we allow on our Isle? People we want close to us and who behave the way we need.

Who do we vote off our Isle? Remove anyone who won’t behave according to our standards.  I don’t mean only bullying spouses.  Our lives become much better when we use this general rule in all situations – with our toxic parents, relatives, adult children, friends, co-workers, bosses.

Physical violence is obvious, so our response is usually emphatic; “Go away!”  But the more covert, manipulative, sneaky, control-freaks are harder to detect.  Nevertheless, the same rule applies.  Test people’s behavior.  If they don’t stop bullying, vote them off our Isle.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

Covert, stealthy bullies always try to ram their agendas down our throats – with a smile, a laugh, a good excuse.  They say, “I know better, I’m right, I’m justified.”  Don’t pay much attention to the specifics of each excuse.  Instead, watch for the pattern of who they think is in charge and who casts the determining vote.  If they always want control, we know what we’re up against and we know we must vote them off our Isle.  Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t stop them.

They aren’t friends or even acquaintances, although we can be polite and firm while we’re setting our boundaries.

But what can we do about bad blood if we still feel the need to see those people sometimes? One couple I coached created a wonderful image.  They needed to protect both the physical and the emotional ecology of their Isle from a very toxic adult daughter.  In non-technical terms, the daughter was “crazy.”

She could be sweet one moment, but the next, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and throw an explosive, attacking, vicious temper tantrum.  She’d loudly curse and blame her parents for how bad she felt or what had happened to her.  It was all their fault, she’d yell, because they wouldn’t do exactly what she wanted them to do, every moment, even if her feelings or what she wanted changed in an instant.  In her rage, she’d even try to hit them.

The parents couldn’t trust their daughter.  Actually, they could trust that almost every time they saw her, the daughter would repeat a life-long pattern without warning or provocation.

The parents felt that they had to protect themselves and their much younger children from the older daughter, but they still felt bound to see the “crazy” daughter sometimes.

The image that worked for them was to imagine a long boardwalk from their Isle of Song leading out to a McDonald’s surrounded by a huge barbed-wire fence.  They could tolerate meeting her out there to have a burger once every three-four months.  But at the first signs of a blow up, they’d leave the McDonald’s, close the gate and their crazy daughter was stuck out there.  She could never get to their Isle and trash it with her emotional garbage.  And they’d never allow her to move back home.

That way, the parents could satisfy both values of seeing their daughter and of protecting the rest of the family.  They removed the interaction from their Isle both physically and emotionally.  That solution fit them.

We may be targets but we’re not victims! There are many situations in which we can fairly easily vote someone off our Isle and never interact with them again.  First dates are a good example.

There are also many situations in which we feel stuck by circumstances and choose to use the long boardwalk method to protect our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  We decide to interact with the bullies physically once in a while but we’ll protect ourselves.  We’ll always have a way home that we control.

Also, we’ll maintain an emotional distance.  We won’t take what they say or do personally.  We may be unable to stop them from trashing the ocean far away or trashing their own Isle, but we won’t let them trash our emotional Isle.

Some of these situations might be when we decide to care for bullying, nasty elderly relatives or we choose to continue trying to straighten out a child who isn’t old enough to throw out or we accept a rotten boss in a job we can’t or don’t want to leave or we choose to keep living next to jerk-y neighbors or our child may stay in a school that has a special program even though the officials tolerate bullying.

Again, it’s our choice depending on the circumstance and what we want to do.

The key step in these situations is internal: to keep a spark alive in our hearts.  We know that we’re choosing to endure the pollution and noise for a finite time, but that in the end, we’ll get free and vote those people off our Isles of Song.

We can’t allow the worst of ourselves to trash our own Isle. That image can make clear the next steps in our personal development.

We live up to the standards required for anyone to be allowed to stay on our Isle. We develop strength, courage, determination, perseverance – grit.  We vote the selfish, narcissistic, insensitive parts of us off our Isle until those parts develop better ways of getting the wonderful things and feelings we want in our lives.  We become worthy of our own Isle.

Often that requires expert coaching to replace old, out-dated beliefs, attitudes, feelings and habits with new ones appropriate to our Isle.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can learn to command ourselves.  We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.

How to Destroy Confidence, Self-Esteem; Create Doubt, Insecurity

The best ways to destroy a child’s confidence and self-esteem, and to create an adult riddled with self-doubt, insecurity and negative self-talk are:

1. Relentless beatings. These instill fear and terror.  Children can become convinced they’re always wrong and the price for mistakes is high; maybe even maiming or death.  The result can be adults who’re afraid to make decisions, assert or defend themselves, think they’re worthy of respect or good treatment.  The result can be adults who expect to be bullied, punished, abused or even tortured.
2. Relentless and personal criticism, hostility and questioning. The results can be the same as relentless beatings.  Kids grow up thinking that no one will help or protect them.  Emotional beating can leave even deeper scars.  Adults often have mental and emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, personality disorders, self-mutilation and suicide.
3. The “Big Lie:” “You don’t know what’s really happening.”

The first two seem fairly obvious and much has been written on them.  Let’s focus on the Big Lie.

Kids have emotional radar.  They’re born with the ability to sense what’s going on.  Their survival depends on knowing who’s friendly or hostile, who’s calm or angry, who’s reliable and trustworthy, and who’s liable to explode without obvious provocation.  They know who’s nice and who hurts them.  They sense when their parents or family are happy or angry.

The effects of being consistently told that they’ve gotten it wrong can be just as devastating as physical or emotional brutality.  For example:

• When kids sense that their parents are angry at each other, but they’re told that the family is loving and caring they learn to distrust their kid-radar.
• When they’re yelled at, teased, taunted or brutalized, when they’re subjected to bullying, they know it hurts.  But when they’re told that the parent cares about them or loves them, or that they’re too sensitive, they start to distrust their own opinions.
• When they can never predict what’s right or wrong, they can grow up thinking they’re evil, stupid or crazy.
• When they’re constantly challenged with, “Prove it.  You don’t know what’s really happening.  How could you think that; there’s something wrong with you.  If you were loving, grateful, caring, you wouldn’t think that way about your parent or family.”

Kids raised this way often grow up riddled with insecurity, self-doubt and self-questioning.  As adults, instead of trusting how they feel, they wonder if they’re being lied to, mistreated or bullied.

They become easy prey for bullies; especially stealthy, covert, manipulative control-freaks who demand, criticize, question or argue about everything.  The more convincing and righteous the bully is, the more the target is thrown into insecurity and panic; the more they become indecisive and frozen.

How do you know if you’re a victim of that early treatment?  In addition to your history, the tests are your thoughts, feelings and actions now:

1. Do you consistently doubt yourself?  Do you even doubt that you see reality? Do you think that other people know better about you than you know about yourself?
2. Are you indecisive and insecure?  Do you worry, obsess or ruminate forever?  Do you solicit all your friends’ opinions about what you should do or just one friend who seems to be sure they know what’s best?  Do you consistently look for external standards or experts to tell you what’s right or proper?  Do you complete quick tests of ten or twenty questions that will tell you the truth about yourself?
3. Do you feel bullied but you’re not sure that you are?  Do you let other people tell you about what’s too sensitive or what’s reasonable or “normal?”
4. Do you think you have to deserve or be worthy of good treatment, or that you have to be perfect according to someone else before they should treat you the way you want to be treated?  Are you filled with blame, shame and guilt?  Do you think that if you were only kinder, nicer, more understanding and more caring, if you asked just right or compromised every time you’d finally get treated the way you want?
5. Do you struggle to get the respect and appreciation you want?

Of course, we all have moments when we’re unsure, but if you’re consistently insecure or insecure consistently with one or two people then you may have a deep-seated problem.

If you answered “yes” to many of these questions, you may need expert coaching.  All tactics are situational, so we’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of people commanding themselves, stopping bullying and getting free.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Emotional Bullies: Drama Queens

Some bullies use their strong emotions to become the center of attention, take control and coerce or manipulate other people to give in and do what the emotional bully wants. Children throwing fits are practicing and learning if that tactic works.  Adult masters of emotional bullying are effective with spouses, partners, friends, extended families and at work.  Some bullies are especially effective in places where other people’s politeness keeps them from stopping the bullying – like at parent groups, reading clubs and parent-teacher meetings.

These “Drama Queens” and their male counterparts have strong emotions and over-the-top reactions.  They come in many forms.

For example:

• No matter how trivial the problem at school, Claire’s daughter was never at fault.  If Claire’s child didn’t get the special treatment she wanted, or if her child was marked down for not completing an assignment or for misbehaving, or if her child wasn’t the first or the most successful, Claire threw a fit.  In public, she yelled at other children or at teachers and the principal.  She threatened law suits.  Pretty soon, teachers allowed her spoiled, bratty child to bully other children.
• James had three young children, but he was always the center of attention.  If he didn’t get waited on instantly or was asked to do something that interfered with his personal plans or comfort, his constant irritation blew up into outrage and anger.  He yelled at his wife and the kids.  He blamed them for disturbing him and punished them in nasty ways for days.  Usually he was allowed to do anything he wanted and was rarely asked to help.  His wife said, behind his back, that it was like having a giant kid in the house.
• In the workplace, Tracy ranted in her office, but never followed through with her threats or promises.  She moved on to turn the next problem she saw into a catastrophe.  But once she’d blown up at you, no amount of good performance would get you out off her “bad” list.  She’d sabotage you without telling you why.  Pretty soon, everyone did exactly what she wanted.  They didn’t want scenes and they didn’t want Tracy to stab them in the back.
• Charlie was a lousy friend, but everyone was afraid to tell him.  He was always late, took up the whole time talking about himself and needed everyone to help him do what he said he “needed” to do.  He borrowed but never returned, he never had money to cover his share of activities and all the fun had to wait until he arrived.  If anyone wouldn’t wait or tried to stop his narcissistic speeches or wouldn’t give him what he wanted, his feelings were hurt.  He was crushed, incensed and ranted for hours; he never let go of a perceived slight.  Of course, it was just easier to give and go along rather than to offend him.

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Unless we stop them, we end up walking on egg shells and deferring to them.  Their likes and dislikes rule.  Pretty soon they’re in charge.

Drama Queens increase everyone’s anxiety, stress and depression.  Most people mistakenly accept the blame for triggering the Drama Queen.  They also create chaos.  Their hyperactive, panicky, adrenaline-rush is addictive and contagious.  Soon, everyone is on edge and ready to blow up at the slightest provocation.

Logic and kindness won’t change them.  And you won’t cure them.  Their tactics have made them successful since childhood.  Only a devastating comeuppance or years of intensive therapy or coaching have a chance of changing that style.

When possible, vote Drama Queens off your island.  You’ll need carefully planned tactics if they’re in your extended family or live on your block and their kids are friends with yours.  At work, try to document activities that destroy teamwork or are clearly illegal.  You won’t get anywhere if you want the big bosses to act because the Drama Queen hurt your feelings.

If the Drama Queen or King is your spouse, I’m sorry.  You’ll have to demand behavioral change while you prepare to move on.  Usually, they won’t grow up and learn a new style unless they have to.  They’d even rather get a divorce and blame you than change their style.  Drama Queens are addicted to their habit – knowing that they’re the center of the universe – and need repeated fixes.