Do Our Teenagers Have a Right to Privacy?

I attended a wonderful presentation on cyberbullying and sexting by an officer from a local police department.  The question came up about spying on our teenagers’ phones and computers: “Do our teenagers have a right to privacy?”  That was followed by the question: “If we spy on our teens, how can they consider us friends?  They’ll never open up to us.  Won’t that thwart our efforts?” Let’s distinguish between two types of threats to our teenagers:

1. Adult predators who lure them and groom them – whether to exploit them or to gain personal, family information to use against their parents.
2. Other teens who will slam them, cyberbully them and share sexted pictures.

Although most parents worry about the first situation, most kids worry about the second or will blow it off as “Drama.”  But the answer is the same in either case.

My answers to the big questions about privacy are essentially the same as that officer’s:

• Teenagers have no privacy.  I want us to know what our kids are doing so we can help them.  We’ve been there and done that and have more wisdom, even though they don’t think so.  If we don’t have wisdom, we should make learning a first priority.
• As long as they’re dependent on us and we’re responsible for them, we must know.  They may be more technically savvy but we can learn enough.  That’s what our friends are for.
• There are values more important than that they like us.  Some of these are that we protect them (even from themselves) as best we can and that they know there are limitations and boundaries they must obey.  Of course, I hope they understand.  But even if they don’t understand – especially when they think it’s not fair or they can take care of themselves – those are the “house rules.”

We hope that much of this can be preventative.  Wouldn’t we like to stop our daughter before she sends a nude photo to a boyfriend?  We can say, “How many of your friends’ parents are still with the boyfriends they loved forever way back in middle and high school?”  How many of your friends’ parents were viciously attacked by their ex’s when they broke up?  How many of your friends’ parents were harassed, taunted, bullied, abused and mobbed by people they used to be friends with?

Wouldn’t we like to know if our kids are being pressured to be bystanders instead of witnesses? Or if they know there’s mobbing and they’re being tempted or pressured to pile on?

In addition, of course, we can be alert to the first signs of cyberbullying.  Have they withdrawn or stopped eating, being with friends, or wanting to go to school?  Have they become emotionally labile (mood swings, happy, crying, excited, depressed, angry, hysterical all in 10 seconds)?  Do they engage in negative self-talk and put-downs?  Do they lack self-confidence and self-esteem?  Are they changing everything in order to get friends or please boy or girlfriends?  Are they anxious, stressed, not sleeping?

When they accuse us of not trusting them, we already know the answers:

• It’s not about trust; it’s about experience, wisdom and safety.
• They’ve hidden, lied and deceived us before and will do so again.  Of course we don’t trust them, just like our parents shouldn’t have trusted us.
• It’s about which risks we’ll allow them to take and which we won’t.

When they insist that they’re old enough to make their own decisions, we also know the answer to that: “When you’re capable of supporting yourself and living independently, then you’re old enough to be responsible for yourself.

As for their opening up because we’re their friends; how many of us opened up to our parents – or would have if they tried to be our friends?  We thought we could or had to solve things on our own or we knew better than to open up.

Whether we physically check phone and computer logs or we also use spyware, we must take the initiative.  If they don’t like it, they don’t need a phone.  Also, we should take steps to find out about their friends and what their friends’ parents allow or encourage.

Unfortunately, too many examples can be found in the headlines of what happen when parents don’t know what their teens are doing.

I’m not suggesting we become the thought-police or “Big Brother.”  There’s no need to go overboard.

How many cyberbullying-caused suicides does it take before we start acting like responsible parents and ferret out what’s going on?  We can’t force reluctant principals to act unless we know what’s going on.  We can’t get law enforcement to act unless we know what’s going on.

You might also check the Verizon cyberbullying site for more information: Verizon Expert Panel, #1, “Understanding and Preventing Cyberbullying:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeXCT8I4uFU&feature=relmfu

Verizon Expert Panel, #2, “When does rude cross the line, online:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzuguaf-hlU&feature=channel_video_title

Verizon Expert Panel, #3, “Is your child being cyberbullied?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZKNgh3_ZjA&feature=relmfu

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Protect Your Children from School Bullies

In a new interview and article, Theresa Marchetta, Investigative Reporter for Denver ABC-TV station, KMGH-TV reports on the steps you need to take to protect your children from becoming victims of bullies and of principals and district administrators who won’t stop taunting, teasing, harassment, bullying and abuse. Of course, if your wonderful principal protects your children, your two tasks are still to:

• Enhance your children’s inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance, resilience.
• Support your principal who may be putting his/her job on the line.

But if you’re faced with a “blame the victim; avoid the bully” or a do-nothing principal, you’ll have to become strong and skilled in your children’s defense.

Some key steps mentioned in the article are:

• Think of “Relentless bullies as predators.  They are not going to stop and will do it over and over again.  I have to let my child know I am going to help protect you.  I don't want my kid to be a suicide, so I’m willing to fight.”
• “My first action is with my children.  I want to let them know they are being targeted, but I won't let them be victims.  I want to build their strength, their character and their willingness to do something to protect themselves.”
• “Second, I'm going to bring it to the school.”
  • “Request a meeting with the school principal…I expect that principal to meet with you the next day, the day after -- that fast.”
  • “To prepare for that meeting, parents must bring any evidence of the bullying including hate notes, e-mails, texts, pictures and any details of the child’s story.”
  • If you cannot stay calm, bring someone who can.  “If you're not calm you'll be targeted as the angry parent throwing a fit.”
• “Does the bullying stop?  I'll give them a week or a day depending on how bad it is…My tests are, is the bully separated to another part of the room or is the bully allowed access to my child?  Is my child the one who is kicked out of class or is my child protected?...If your child, the victim, is the one having to make changes, that is a red flag.”
• If the situation is not resolved quickly, take the case directly to the district superintendent and the school board.”
• If the responsible adults don’t resolve the situation, “Your next step is that you have to up-level.  You have to get a lawyer.  You have to think publicity…You've got to be willing to go right to that level.   When the people who should be protecting our children are fired and sued successfully, it will change.”

We all know the consequences of not stopping bullies and of allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.

Principals who avoid the issue make the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless.  It starts them down the path to being victims for life.  It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  It starts children toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Sexting Suicide: Vicious Boys, Mean Girls and Self-Bullying

Andrew Meacham in the Tampa Bay Times article, “Sexting-related bullying cited in Hillsborough teen’s suicide,” reports on the suicide of Hope Witsell.  Witsell’s death follows the sexting-triggered suicide of Jessica Logan who was taunted, harassed, bullied and abused for similar reasons. Of course, ultimately the choice was Hope Witsell’s, but the principals and district administrators at Beth Shields Middle School and at Lennard High School took the wrong approach.

According to the article, 13 year-old Hope sent a photo of her breasts to a boy she liked.  Bad choice.  A rival girl saw the photo on the boy’s phone and forwarded it to other students.  The photo went viral.  Like piranhas, mean girls and vicious boys at the schools joined the general feeding frenzy.  Hope was accosted as a “whore” and harassed for more nude photos at her school and also at a Future Farmers of America Conference.

Let’s focus on only three aspects of this terrible situation:

1. The school principals and teachers who didn’t stop the frenzy.
2. The mean girl who first forwarded the photo, the other vicious kids who passed it on and the predators and bullies who attacked a wounded target.
3. Hope’s self-bullying.

The middle school has a policy against sexting and disciplined Hope: Suspension and loss of honors and privileges.  But, even though the principal and teachers were aware of the taunting, harassment and bullying, there is no report that they did anything to the predators – No all-school meetings about how wrong the behavior is; no follow-up with the police to see who was illegally forwarding the nude photos; no action in the cafeteria when Hope was being harassed by other students.  Even though they knew what was happening, there was no extra vigilance to protect Hope from the attacks.

They did follow up with Hope’s parents to explain their punishment of her, but they took no action to stop the mean girls and vicious boys.  Also, they never called Hope’s parents when they found out that she was cutting herself.

There’s no much you can do once a feeding frenzy has started, but the legitimate authorities at school and the police can be talking to the kids and their parents.  You must make an attempt to rally parents and students to stop the attacks, even though you think Hope was a dope.

Hope’s diary and conversations with her friends were full of self-bullying.  This negative, critical self talk destroys self-esteem and self-confidence.  Self-bullying makes any kind of setback or embarrassment into a humiliating catastrophe that seems to destroy the child’s life forever.  Looked at through self-bullying eyes, the future will seem hopeless, the person helpless to redeem herself.  As Hope wrote, “Secretly TONS of people hate me.”  That’s the wrong conclusion to draw.

Obviously, there are many places Hope’s parents could have intervened had they known how serious the situation was.  But I think the first one is here: Parenting bully-proof kids begins with helping them stop self-bullying, with helping them build strength, courage, resilience and determination in the face of humiliation, disaster or abuse.

Laws are good, but they aren’t enough to stop foolish girls from sexting.  Laws against forwarding pornographic pictures are good, but aren’t enough to stop people from distributing them.  It takes a concerted effort by adults to set the tone; to create an atmosphere in which all students and parents are aware of the stupidity involved and the harm that can be caused.

Sexting, Harassment, Bullying and Suicide: Is the Solution More Laws?

When the parents of teenage suicide Jessica Logan called for new laws to stop “sexting,” and said that the school was responsible for stopping their daughter and her ex-boy friend and the other bullies who continued harassing her, the focus of discussion shifted from sadness about her suicide to the question of what to regulate and how to regulate it. Should we have new laws to prevent people from texting nude pictures of themselves?  Should schools be the forced to stop the practice?

As much as I feel for Jessica and her parents, they’re calling for the wrong methods to try to stop sexting.  We shouldn’t have laws to stop self-sexting and schools should not be held responsible for stopping it.  Either of those paths are over-reactions to the emotions in one situation.  They’ll lead to morasses and a huge waste of time and money.

The first problem was with what Jessica did.  The solutions to that problem don’t begin with laws.  The solutions begin at home.  Whatever the family dynamic was, Jessica sent the pornographic pictures of herself to her boy friend.  She didn’t have the sense to look ahead.  She’s not the first, nor will she be the last teenager to do something foolish with a boyfriend.  And he’s not the first, nor will he be the last ex-boyfriend who strikes back by talking or texting about his ex-girlfriend.  Of course, ex-girlfriends also have a long history of doing rotten things to their ex-boyfriends.

That problem is between Jessica and her parents.  Do you really think that any seventeen year-old girl hasn’t heard that she should be careful about what she sends in digital form, especially to boys?  Except for the ease and speed of transmission, that’s no different from someone, a hundred years ago, giving a hard copy of nude pictures of themselves to their boyfriend.  If someone wants to be that dumb, we can’t stop them, anymore than societies have ever been able to stop sex before marriage.

Teenagers have free will.  Could any of us stop our teenagers from doing all the things we thought were dangerous?  Our six teenagers taught us the futility of that attempt.  Could our parents have stopped us completely?

Beyond a short talk about the dangers of exposing yourself in public, schools shouldn’t get more involved.  We don’t need extensive and expensive educational programs.

A second issue is the ex-boyfriend’s sending pornographic pictures of someone else, and the subsequent harassment by cyber bullies, especially mean girls.  His actions and those of all the other nasty, cyber bullying girls and boys who passed around Jessica’s nude pictures, trashed her on Facebook, IM’d her and ruined her reputation can be made illegal.  This situation also illustrates the truism that means girls can be much more vicious than boys.

That’s different from the previous generation’s passing around published “Playboy” centerfolds, where the women had given permission to be seen by everyone.

This is a personal tragedy for the Logan family, but ruined reputations are an age old phenomenon and this problem was started by the person in the middle, Jessica, not by the paparazzi.  Our popular culture is no worse than most popular cultures have been, especially during times of opulence, extravagance and excess.  You can’t legislate morals successfully in such a time.

Our task as individual parents is still the same; to try to talk some sense and caution into our children and teenagers’ heads.  And many of them won’t listen and will learn their lessons the hard way.

I’m sorry Jessica didn’t have the inner strength and resilience to resist the bullying and harassment, and to move on beyond the loss of her reputation.  I hope the ex-boyfriend and all the other people involved in harassing her also learned some useful lessons that will change their future behavior.