With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: You can’t love them enough to cure them

Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to win her daughter’s love just like Betty had been told she had to do when she was growing up. Even when her daughter was a little girl, she’d had always wanted more and Betty had provided it.

As her daughter grew up, her bullying, narcissistic, toxic behavior increased with each year. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive toward Betty, no matter what Betty did for her. Betty struggled but managed to pay for all her daughter’s college expenses, her phone, her car and insurance, and all the spending money the girl demanded. Then her daughter demanded the same through graduate school. Then there was the huge, destination wedding.

Through it all, her daughter treated Betty with contempt. She made phone calls or texts only when she was demanding more money, rarely answered Betty’s texts or calls, yelled at Betty to shut up if Betty ever wanted to talk, told Betty she had no right to know what she was doing and always had more important things to do if Betty wanted to visit.

Betty’s old rules kept her a servant, a slave.

Betty was raised to believe that love could conquer all, that her first job was to make her daughter happy, if her daughter had a problem or was unhappy it was Betty’s fault, if Betty didn’t like anything it was Betty’s problem, thinking of her own feelings meant Betty was selfish, family comes first, love means giving, forgiveness means Betty had to keep giving. We all know the cluster of beliefs, rules and roles many people are raised with. Betty accepted those without question.

The Beetles were right: With bullies, narcissists, “Can’t buy me love.”

Bullies, toxic narcissists are insatiable; they can never get enough power and control, they can never inflict enough pain to be satisfied. They don’t take your good deeds as a model to be copied; your good deeds show them there’s a person they can take advantage of.

Betty felt used and abused; she felt like a slave. Her daughter was like Veruka Salt from Willie Wonka. Betty was shocked and appalled at herself when she realized she didn’t like or respect her daughter.

Betty couldn’t understand why her daughter had turned out that way; what had Betty done wrong?

Betty had a part in her daughter’s pattern, but the source of the problem was in her daughter. Her daughter had always chosen to get what she wanted by beating Betty into submission. Her daughter never stopped wanted. She was needy and greedy without end. She had to have everything she thought of; every passing fancy had to be satisfied immediately.

Betty had consistently taught a different way of being, but her daughter hadn’t listened. Her daughter didn’t care about Betty’s ideas of good behavior and good character, of how to live a kind and loving life. She didn’t care about Betty as a human being. She cared only that Betty give her everything she wanted.

Betty realized she’d enabled that attitude by giving her daughter whatever she wanted; that’s what being a loving mother had meant to Betty. Then she realized, she had kept giving because she was afraid of the war if she ever said “no.” She hadn’t felt able to resist her daughter’s fight to the death to get every little thing she wanted. Betty had submitted.

All the answers to Betty’s “why” question didn’t help Betty devise tactics to change her daughter. Her daughter was choosing her feelings and her behavior; she was righteous about what she thought, felt and did.

Betty weaned her daughter.

The most important shift was within Betty. Betty chose to throw out all those old rules and to make new ones now, based on her experience and wisdom. She decided she was not responsible for her daughter’s happiness. She let go of the guilt she’d carried like a lead weight.

No matter what other people said to her, Betty decided to be firm about what she wanted to do. She could never be sure about the future, about what might work to change her daughter, but she was clear that enabling her daughter had never worked. Also, she decided she had to let go of the goal of changing her daughter. She could only have the goal of keeping her personal space free of bullying, narcissistic behavior. That wasn’t selfish; that was necessary. She could only hope a miracle would happen and her daughter would choose to change in order to be in Betty’s space.

Betty became the heroine of her own life and her life became truly her own life, not the life she’d been groomed for since her childhood.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children who think they’re empaths

Alice (fictitious name) was stunned when her bullying, narcissistic, toxic, adult daughter proudly announced that she knew what Alice was thinking and feeling because she was an empath. Since her daughter was little, she’d never showed an ounce of kindness, caring or compassion for anyone but herself. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive to anyone who disagreed with her or refused to do what she wanted.

Alice obsessed about whether her daughter really believed she was an empath.

Alice finally understood that question only led her to endless analysis of her daughter and to speculation based on what opposing experts thought. Her daughter still consumed Alice’s life. It didn’t lead to answers that would help her stop her daughter or to protect herself.

Why is that the wrong question?

You might think that if relentless bullies and narcissists don’t really believe they’re empaths, you can use that self-doubt to convince them they’re really hurting you and that they have no compassion of sympathy. Then they’ll admit they’re not kind or compassionate and change the way they act. But you can’t convince them. Part of the definition of being a relentless bully and a narcissist is that they don’t change.

You might think that if they’re deluded, if they really believe they’re empathic, you’ll be able to prove to them – using their behavior, facts, reality check with others, reasoning, logic – that they’re not kind or compassionate, they’ll be remorseful and change. But you can’t.

Relentless bullies and narcissists want to be worshipped and obeyed, and to get what they want. They may claim they’re caring but they’re not interested in the real well-being of their target, only in getting what they want.

Some relentless bullies and narcissists are overt. They’re right in your face. They don’t care what you want or fear or hope. They’re going to beat you into submission, period.

Other relentless bullies and narcissists can be exquisitely sensitive to their target’s needs and wants. Then they’ll use their understanding (“empathy”) to manipulate or coerce their targets into doing what the narcissist wants. That knowledge or understanding of what motivates people (their fears, wants, dreams, hopes, temptations, values, etc.) does not, by itself, make them empaths.

Alice recognized the major characteristics of empaths:

1. They sense or know what people want, what motivates them, how they feel (what their hopes, dreams, pains, fears, desires, etc. are).

2. They have understanding and sympathy; they’re kind and compassionate; they try to make other people feel seen, heard, understood; they try to help them feel better; they try to help them grow and become more independent, more fulfilled.

What’s the right question for Alice?

Alice knew her daughter lacked the second characteristic of empaths. She cared only about herself. Alice realized better questions would be, “How can I protect myself? How can I stop my daughter from becoming the center of my life, controlling me, sucking me dry, ruining my life?” Those questions led Alice into her future; they were better than analysis paralysis.

What Alice did.

Alice quickly saw what she had to do to maintain a distance between her and her daughter. It wasn’t easy. When Alice resisted, her daughter tried bullying and abuse. When Alice still did what she wanted and didn’t do what she didn’t want, her daughter switched to manipulation, blame, shame and guilt tactics. And she withheld Alice’s grandchildren. But finally, when she needed Alice, she capitulated and started treating Alice with respect and caring. Alice never thought her daughter’s heart had really changed, but at least she got good treatment and time with the grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Addiction and the “Worship of Me”

Vera (fictitious name) was desperate. Her 40-year-old daughter had called and demanded Vera give her $10,000 for a vacation she wanted to take. Vera was certain if she didn’t give the money, her daughter would never speak to her again and would withhold the grandchildren.

From the time her daughter was four, when she didn’t get her way, she yelled, screamed and threw temper tantrums, claiming Vera had never been nice enough or made her happy enough. Actually, Vera had given her daughter everything – money, clothes, trips, cars, servitude on-call – but it was never enough. Her daughter was never satisfied; her demands always escalated.

Vera finally accepted that her daughter was a toxic, bullying narcissist who bullied and abused Vera to get what she wanted. Her daughter was negative, critical, hostile, demanding and demeaning to Vera, in private and in public. Her happiness was the only thing that mattered in her world.

Vera stopped asking “Why?”

Vera knew her daughter’s reasons and excuses, and had spent lots of time and money analyzing why her daughter would do what she did. Vera would never have said or done those things to her parents. But all that analysis never helped her change her daughter’s personality or treatment of Vera.

Vera acknowledged her role in creating the pattern. Her daughter had been born demanding and Vera had always given in. Vera admitted she wasn’t perfect; twice she’d been so frustrated she’d yelled at her daughter; she’d even bought her daughter a used car as the first car, instead of the new one her daughter demanded. She’d fed her daughter’s greed by giving in. She knew she was guilty; it was all her fault.

Finally, Vera accepted that her behavior and the circumstances had not created her daughter’s greed and relentless abuse. Her daughter had free will. She’d chosen and practiced her personality. Her daughter had been relentless even as a little child. Her daughter treated every thought she had as if it was absolutely true; every feeling as if was justified; every desire as if it was a matter of life and death. Vera had not wanted to create a spoiled, entitled brat, but she didn’t have the strength to resist someone who’d never give up until Vera had been beaten into submission. Her daughter thought she had to have what wanted or she’d die.

When Vera saw her daughter as an addict, everything became clear and she could predict what her daughter would do next.

All the reasons and excuses her daughter gave were not the real reason for her behavior. Vera knew, in her heart-of-hearts, her daughter was addicted to being right and justified, and to getting everything she wanted. She was also addicted to the pleasure she got tormenting and torturing Vera. She was addicted to greed, demands and righteous anger; she enjoyed being mean and causing Vera pain. For her daughter, it was a cheap addiction – it was free and she could get high whenever she wanted.

Vera knew it didn’t matter what she did; she’d be condemned by her daughter if she did something and condemned if she didn’t. There was no easy way out for her. All the explaining, reasoning, teaching and begging fell on deaf ears, just like they would on the ears of someone hooked on cocaine or heroin. Her daughter would steal all her time and money, and destroy her Soul. Vera had to protect herself.

Vera’s daughter also worshipped herself; she led the “Cult of Me.”

If she had a thought, it was right; if she had a feeling, it was justified; if she wanted something, she should be handed it immediately. She should be pleased, satisfied, satiated. She was entitled. She was supposed to be worshipped. Sacrifices should be offered on her altar. The world, meaning Vera, owed everything to her.

Her daughter’s behavior made no sense to Vera; no person should believe and act that way. But admitting her daughter was an addict and a person who thought she should be worshipped and obeyed, made her daughter’s behavior patterns clear. The realization lifted Vera’s guilt and need to please.

If Vera continued worshipping at the altar of her daughter, her daughter would never change.

Vera had to stop worshipping and stop hoping that her daughter would suddenly understand and become a good, caring, kind, considerate person. Those kinds of miracles are never promoted by giving in to the demands of a selfish, narcissistic, bully.

Vera went cold-turkey. She started saying, “Not interested. I’m not feeding your addiction. You’ll have to treat me very nicely for a long time before you get anything from me. You’re not the boss of me.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Unconditional love is martyrdom (and bad for them)

Tina (fictitious name) grew up with a mother who never took care of her or her siblings. Tina stepped up at five years-old and became the caretaker. Her mother was negative and critical of Tina’s efforts, no matter how competent Tina became. Tina vowed she’d do better for her children. She’d love them unconditionally, which meant she’d never let them feel the stress and pain she’d felt.

Tina succeeded. She became “The Good Mom.” She made them the center of her life. She gave her children everything, all the time. Tina wasn’t going to let them suffer like she had.

As they grew up, her children chose to follow the path of their do-nothing, manipulative, lazy, always-have-excuses father, Tina’s ex-husband. They became selfish, entitled, greedy, bullying, narcissistic adults who were toxic to Tina. They never contacted her, she wasn’t allowed to see her grandchildren, she was excluded from any holidays or celebration (even Mother’s day). They ran to her when they needed and threw her away after they’d gotten what they wanted. When they got together, usually with their father who still gave nothing, the “cult” criticized everything Tina did; she was never good enough.

Tina thought she had to love her adult children more; to love them unconditionally.

The unconditional love her bullying, abusive, narcissistic, toxic adult children demanded from Tina meant she had to give them everything they wanted, she had to them happy and she had to gladly accept the verbal abuse they heaped on her. No matter how angry she got, she had to keep her vow. She had to forgive them. When they dangled a carrot in order to get what they wanted, she’d jump in hopes they’d finally changed. But they were simply like Lucy, whipping the football away and letting Charlie Brown land hard on his back.

Tina finally realized she was hurting her adult children by instantly relieving their stress and making them happy.

Even though they’d chosen the easy and selfish way themselves, she’d participated by not allowing them to struggle for success. She’d participated in keeping them petulant, incompetent and spoiled. Her guilt helped Tina remember to do the opposite of what she’d always done.

Not only was she hurting them, she was hurting herself.

Her original, childhood vow hadn’t included herself. One-way, unconditional love meant she’d always be the victim, the martyr. That was not the life she wanted.

Tina forgave herself and stopped enabling and rescuing them.

The vow she’d taken as a child was the best a good and strong little girl could think of. And it helped make her competent and caring. She’d also hoped her unconditional love would earn her love in return but it hadn’t. Now she vowed to take care of herself.

She decided not to make a big proclamation to her children. She simply stopped rushing in to solve their problems. She sympathized with their stress and pain but she didn’t fix it. Not only that, she stopped giving them advice and resources. She told them she knew they were smart enough to figure out what they needed. She’d cheer from the sidelines.

Her children didn’t like not being rescued.

At first they tried even harder to beat Tina into submission. Next they pulled the cult together more tightly to exclude her. Tina missed her grandchildren but she stayed firm and happy enjoying her new life. So when that didn’t get her adult children what they wanted, a few defected and started to treat Tina nicely in hopes of getting what they wanted.

The big shock to them was when Tina stopped jumping for the carrots they dangled. She was glad to reciprocate nice, polite interactions but she stopped offering advice and solving their problems. The best thing for them and her would be to let them experience and deal with the realities, the ups and downs of life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists: Liberate yourself from the Matrix of your old life

Stella (fictitious name) realized she was trapped in the Matrix of her old life – her old rules, beliefs, roles, values and even the old vows she’d taken when she was a little girl. She felt caught in a spider’s web and the more she struggled, the more trapped she felt.

Stella’s oldest daughter chose to be an entitled, selfish, bullying narcissist.

When Stella stopped giving her oldest daughter everything she wanted after she graduated from college, the girl turned on her both in person and online. In front of friends and family, she’d say what a horrible mother Stella had always been, how she felt rejected and abandoned when Stella wouldn’t give what she wanted, how her life had been ruined because Stella was cruel and unloving. She was constantly negative, critical, cruel and abusive. She made up lies about Stella. When Stella tried to use facts and logic to rebut her daughter’s claims, she threw hysterical fits.

Then she started brainwashing her younger sister. She twisted everything Stella had ever said in order to turn her sister against Stella.

The Matrix Stella accepted from her old life kept her from responding effectively.

A few of the old rules Stella still accepted were:

• * Be a nice girl, rise above, never get angry.

• * Never say anything bad about people, even when they hurt you. Always see the best side of someone, forgive their weaknesses, they must have been hurt when they were younger.

• * Never say anything to hurt someone’s feelings, never to punish or strike-back, never to be vindictive or retaliate.

• * Never make a scene in public.

• * It’s my fault if people are angry, if I gave enough, everyone would love me and be nice.

And there were many others.

In addition, Stella’s parents had always fought and had created a life of chaos for their children. Every angry scene meant danger, followed by emotional and physical pain. Negativity, cutting criticism and mental cruelty were continuing. Stella had vowed to make peace and to protect her parents and siblings. She swore to herself that when she grew up, she’d never get in arguments with anyone, especially her children.

Her fallback question was always, “What did I do wrong?” She assumed if she apologized and gave people what they wanted, she’d make peace. She packed shame and guilt into her self-talk.

The old Matrix helped Stella survive childhood but trapped her as an adult.

She realized her old ideas and childhood strategies with her abusive, uncaring parents had helped her survive. If she’d resisted the mental and emotional torture, and the beatings would have been worse.

Her old ideas and vows had not redeemed her bullying, abusive, narcissistic husband from his childhood Matrix. He’d gotten worse every time he’d made her give in and accept his verbal and physical attacks.

Despite all Stella’s attempts to teach her daughter differently, she now accepted that her daughter had repeated the same pattern as her father. Her daughter had not chosen to follow Stella’s examples. Her daughter found it easier to be a righteous hater than to be an open, caring, loving person. Instead she lived in her own Matrix that justified her trying to ruin her mother’s life.

In grief and desperation to save herself, Stella wrenched herself from her old Matrix.

The exercise she did put her squarely in a new, effective set of ideas, beliefs, rules and attitudes, developed from her experience and adult wisdom. She was no longer controlled and held back by old, ineffective rules. Step-by-step she destroyed the spider’s web that had enmeshed her as a victim.

She became excited to tell the truth about her daughter to the rest of the family. She found ways to characterize her daughter that stayed in everyone else’s minds. She found ways to block her daughter’s attempts to beat her into submission and to isolate her from her other child and much of her family. She became free to become the person she’d always wanted to be.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Toxic, bullying, narcissistic bio-family: Who’s your True Family?

Raina (fictitious name) always felt like she didn’t belong in her toxic family. She was scapegoated and used as Cinderella by her parents and her brother. He was the Golden Child; she was the servant. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she knew it was her fault. She vowed to be a better person, to please them so they’d finally listen to her and treat her lovingly and kindly. But, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to please them, never able to be worthy enough. But they were her family and she vowed to keep trying.

She married to a man who was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. When the abuse got physical, she finally dared to divorce him. Her daughter was three years-old. Her ex left and started a new family, never looking back at this daughter. Raina worked hard and was successful enough to shower her daughter with everything.

By the time the girl was a teenager, she controlled Raina completely. No matter how Raina tried, she could never please her. Later, Raina’s daughter married and had children. Whenever her daughter needed babysitting, Raina was allowed to pay to see her grandchildren but she was never allowed visits on the holidays or when she wanted.

In addition, her daughter bonded with her biological father and they spread malicious, hateful lies about Raina throughout her biological family. Of course, her biological family believed the stories and plied on with more criticism and abuse of Raina.

Raina’s biological family was not Raina’s True Family.

Even as an adult, successful as she was in supporting herself all through her life, she was still an outcast in her bio-family. She was the ugly ducking – the swan raised by ducks who would peck her to death. She was encompassed by dogs, she was food for vultures.

But they were her bio-family. She’d thought she must respect and honor them no matter what. Who else would take care of her when she needed? Without them she’d be alone and lonely.

After being verbally abused and shunned one Christmas, Riana sobbed herself to sleep again. But this time, when she awoke she’d had the special dream we’d talked about. She felt totally free for the first time in her life. It was simple and clear: they were not her True Family.

All the rules she’d been fed were wrong. She’d always felt the most alone when she was surrounded by them. She was different. They’d never take care of her. She’d been trying to live the life they wanted for her but that wasn’t the life she wanted. She gave up trying to be listened to, understood, cared for by people who simply weren’t going to value her as an individual human being. She was valuable to them only when they could use her or gang up on her.

Who are Raina’s True Family?

I’ve worked with people across the globe, from all cultures, in the same situation as Raina and they had the same realization: their bio-family is not the family of their heart, mind or Spirit. They have been servants, scapegoats, outcasts in their bio-family.

Raina remembered other people in her life with whom she’d had heart-to-heart connections. They hadn’t taken her money, hadn’t blamed her for their problems, hadn’t used her like Cinderella. Those relationships had been full of reciprocal caring; they’d been interesting, exciting and fulfilling. But her family and her daughter had driven those people away.

Raina realized she’d never felt alone when she was with those people. And they had wanted to stick by her as she had tried to stick by them.

Raina’s True Family is the family of her heart, mind and Spirit.

Even more than a strong community of caring, these people were “family.” Raina was scared contemplating a future without her bio-family. But she was strengthened when she thought of living without the toxic, bullying, abuse and narcissism.

Even though it might be hard to find people like that again, she must turn away from people who wanted to enslave her and turn toward people who’d befriend her. Her Spirit demanded that turn, demanded a chance to make a life filled with warmth and peace. She felt her guilt evaporate. She gave herself the power to make the life she’d always wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you enabling them

Zina said she was born to enable; it was in her blood, reinforced by her childhood training of how to be a good, loving mom. Her 40 year-old son abused her need to rescue him and insisted she continue. He said he’d fail in life if she didn’t help him. She owed it to him because she hadn’t made him happy enough when he was growing up.

Bullies, narcissists want to be at the center of “a Great Circle of Enabling.”

Zina insisted her son was nice to her when he was growing up, even through high school and college, except when he was throwing temper tantrums at her for not rescuing him or making his life easy. To her, he was critical and demeaning; selfish and narcissistic; bullying and abusive.

Even though he was bright, she had to smooth things over when he was flunking courses because some teachers wouldn’t allow him to do nothing or be obnoxious in class, or some coaches wouldn’t play him because he hadn’t come for practices. She’d always manufactured excuses to get him more chances.

When he got in trouble with the police, she begged, pleaded and hired expensive lawyers. According to him, her job in life was to make sure he never suffered.

When he didn’t have good enough grades or Standard Test scores to get into the colleges he wanted, she did everything necessary to get him into colleges acceptable to him. Later, she begged or coerced administrators and professors to forgive his behavior in the dorms or class.

She knew he was spoiled but what could she do? She didn’t want any options closed to him. She was sure someday he’d grow up and be the wonderful son she’d hoped for.

When Zina didn’t protect, coddle or cater to him, he’d attack her.

If he didn’t get what he wanted or get away with what he’d done, she’d failed him. His problems were her fault. He’d throw temper tantrums, destroy furniture, call her a rotten mother and give her the loud, silent treatment until she gave in. He’d even pushed her and slapped her. But that was only twice so she thought it wasn’t too bad. He was just sensitive and high strung.

He threatened her; if she didn’t give him everything, he’d fail and kill himself.

Zina carried tremendous fear, responsibility and guilt. She kept encouraging and giving, hoping the one percent wonderful infant would take over his life, instead of the ninety nine percent lazy, manipulative and entitled adult.

To release her enabling, rescuing patterns, Zina changed her old beliefs, rules, roles and habits.

Eventually she saw he’d chosen a path that manipulated her and was bad for him. Enabling ensured that he’d stay narcissistic and fail; she’d been hurting him. He’d flushed all her time, energy, money and love down the toilet. He was addicted to his laziness and the rush he got from being angry at her. He was addicted to getting what he wanted, the way he wanted, and squeezing it out of her, and whining for more. That was easier than working for it.

The only chance he has for a miracle is to fail and suffer. Then, instead of continuing to blame her, he might choose to do the hard work of struggling and succeeding in the world. Or not.

Of course, Zina struggled with the possibility he’d really die homeless or commit suicide. But she persevered and didn’t allow her sympathy and guilt to deflect her from what she knew was his only chance. She kept encouraging him to find the strength she knew was buried deep inside him.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies and narcissists, bitterness and anger can help

Ruth was upset; she wanted to get rid of the bitterness and anger she felt against one of her own adult children.

That child was ripping Ruth’s family apart. Since she’d been a teenager, she’d thrown tantrums, blamed her unhappiness on Ruth and tried to turn the other children against Ruth. She demanded all of Ruth’s time, energy and money; she tried to control every situation and manipulate everyone to her hidden agendas; she claimed she was never loved enough; she was negative and critical of everything, nothing would satisfy her. She was bullying and abusive. She expected Ruth to feel guilty, apologize and grovel at her feet.

I’ve seen the same pattern in other situations: people often feel bitterness and anger toward toxic parents and siblings, and also toward controlling, manipulative ex’s who continue to torment them.

Ruth thought bitterness and anger were bad characteristics.

She thought she wasn’t a good person since she obsessed on all the wrongs her daughter had done and the harm she’d caused. She wished she could simply let go and love her daughter unconditionally as she had when the girl had been an infant.

Bitterness and anger provide motivation.

Ruth realized her bitterness and anger served an important function. She needed those feelings to motivate herself to protect herself against a predator who wanted to destroy her and her family.

She needed to be on guard every moment in order to stay safe from a crazy, vicious narcissist who happened to be in her family. She needed tremendous energy and focus to protect herself from hidden agendas, attacks and manipulation. But the mental, emotional and physical cost was high for Ruth.

There is no good, joint resolution with narcissists and relentless bullies.

Ruth’s unconscious knew her daughter would take advantage if she ever relaxed her guard. Her daughter might look sincere, might make “binding” agreements but she’d shown she was simply a great actress. Only her daughter’s good behavior over time, without reward, would show her daughter actually had a change of heart.

With narcissists and relentless bullies there is no joint understanding and forgiveness so you can immediately move ahead with love and good behavior.

Don’t be fooled by “sincere” apologies.

Many of Ruth’s friends told her to let go of her bitterness and anger. They advised her to be more forgiving. If she let go of her fear, her daughter would also let go of whatever she was afraid of. They said that the only person Ruth could change was herself, and when she changed, her daughter would automatically change in response.

What bullies and narcissists mean by “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”

When they say they want to put the past behind and move ahead with a clean slate, they mean they want to continue getting away with abusing you; they want you to instantly open up again to further abuse because you’re so easily fooled. If you’re willing to give them instant gratification, they don’t have to change their ways at all.

When will Ruth let go of her bitterness and anger?

She’ll let go of the bitterness and anger when she knows she’s protected, when she has no fear because she knows she’s safe; naturally, automatically and easily.

Finally, Ruth can see what she has to focus on: staying true to what she knows, not letting fleeting feelings of remorse and guilt sweep her into letting a hungry wolf in her home. She must fence her daughter safely away from the rest of the family. She must keep the fence electrified until she’s sure, because of her daughter’s amends, reparation, and good behavior over time without instant reward, that a miracle has occurred in her daughter’s heart.

Simple, clear. Not easy. Until Ruth changes her motivation strategy or until Ruth knows she’s safe, she needs bitterness and anger.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: The cult of users

Nancy thought if she broke away from her extended family – parents, husband, two of her four adult children – she’d be alone and lonely the rest of her life. Most of her family bullied, abused and used her. Since that was family, she thought she’d never find people nicer and kinder. She was also sure she didn’t know how to have good relationships.

Nancy grew up lived in a cult of users.

Why do I call her extended family a “cult?” Two reasons:

1. They have the symptoms of cults. For example; other people knew what was right and true, what she should and must do, staying with them was her only way to salvation, she couldn’t trust herself, she must serve them, they need her to help them, if she tried to leave they’d destroy her, they said she was too helpless and incompetent to succeed in the outside world, everyone outside was wrong, bad and dangerous, etc.

2. I didn’t want her to look for psychological reasons to excuse their behavior and to minimize her pain. I wanted the word “cult” to make her so angry and strong, brave and determined, she’d resist their lies and break free.

Nancy had been groomed to serve.

The only roles that won her relief from negativity and criticism, verbal abuse and physical beatings were servant or slave, enabler or competent fixer. She was bullied and guilt-tripped to stop being selfish; stop putting her wants and needs before the feelings of others.

Even when she was an adult, they never showed real kindness or consideration of her wants. The most happiness she felt were moments of relief from pain and torment. Sometimes, she was promised something she wanted but it was always jerked away at the last moment. She was not allowed to enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet by herself, or to visit someone she might have enjoyed.

Nancy was condemned if she did something, condemned if she didn’t.

Whatever she did was either wrong or never good enough. Sometimes, the criticism was openly abusive or sarcastic, while other times it was subtle so she couldn’t object and defend herself. Even if she did what was demanded, they’d say she misunderstood and did it the wrong way. Or they’d deny they ever said it and witness for each other that she was wrong.

She was shocked to realize they didn’t care; she was merely prey.

She was trained to beat herself, “What did I do wrong? Nobody who cared would act the way they did unless I’d provoked them terribly.” Of course her self-doubt increased while her self-confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

Nancy had failed to change them using every method she could find about how to communicate better and to be a better, more caring, understanding and forgiving person. She’d tried to please them all her life; she’d done nothing wrong; their behavior was not her fault.

Every situation, all the patterns were explained simply; they didn’t care about her. They were selfish narcissists; she counted no more than a servant and whipping post. She’d been raised in a cult of users and abusers.

She was horrified at the realization and started testing them. Each time, they proved her new insight was accurate.

Despite the difficulty, Nancy broke free; step by step.

At first, she was immobilized by her fears and isolation. But she was helped by writing a short story of her life as a struggle to escape from bondage in order to be free. They’d tortured her and keep her in solitary confinement so she wouldn’t feel equipped to deal with the outside world.

Now her Spirit and anger rose up and kept her on track. She’d get free or die trying. First she stopped accepting her role in the cult, no matter how they threatened or tried to manipulate her back into slavery. Then she made distance between her and followers of the cult.

Each small step she took helped her take more steps. Each step backward meant she’d try harder next time. Simple and clear, even if not easy.

She was surprised when she attracted new people who wanted to enjoy her company in a reciprocal way.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists are not like you

Leigh kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t understand why her oldest daughter would say she’d never see her grandchildren if Leigh didn’t cut her other children out of her will. After 35 years of enduring rages, blame, silent treatment, bullying, abuse and even physical attacks, Leigh still wailed that it made no sense.

Leigh said, “I showed her how loving people treat each other. Everyone wants to be nice to their family, don’t they? Everyone wants to work things out, don’t they? We’re all the same underneath, aren’t we? Everyone wants peace, tranquility and love, don’t they? Everyone wants to follow the Golden Rule and get into heaven, don’t they? It makes no sense.” Leigh was blindsided every time her daughter manipulated, guilt-tripped or attacked her.

Leigh had clung to her childhood beliefs and ignored the evidence.

She could talk about how she frozen with terror at her parents drunken, crazy anger, but she was sure they loved her and wanted the best for her. She could talk about how critical, negative, mean and vindictive her narcissistic ex-husband had been; how she’d thrown her body between him and the kids in order to protect them, but she was sure it was important that the children loved their father and knew he loved them. So she never said a word of truth against him. She could talk about the thousand things her oldest daughter had done, but she knew her daughter wanted the best for Leigh and her other siblings.

She’d believed in infinite goodness at the core of everyone and in the idea we’ll all eventually come around to loving each other. When she was growing up, that hope kept her struggling for a better life; the hope sustained her.

But now her oldest daughter was forcing her to choose between the other children she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, and the one child who was full of entitlement, greed, jealousy and hate.

Leigh broke through: as an adult, she took into her heart and soul the reality that there are people totally different from the way she was.

She’d never understand why people would choose evil as a way of life, but now she allowed herself to recognize selfish people motivated by money, power and the pleasure of inflicting pain. Now, she could predict what her daughter would do based on her past performance. Now, Leigh could use her energy to protect herself, her happiness and her other children instead of wasting her time and energy trying to understand a daughter who was different from the way she was. People, including her children, had totally different desires, values and character; they had totally different rules of behavior even though she’d raised them all. That was the way the world was.

Now, Leigh could plan how to respond to what was likely to happen.

Just like she’d finally given up trying to rehabilitate her ex-husband, she gave up trying to educate and convert her daughter by forgiving, minimizing and catering to her. Bur she wouldn’t give up on herself and the future she wanted. She decided to use her life to love the children and grandchildren whose love felt wonderful in return. She also decided to matter to non-family members who wanted and appreciated her caring. Whenever she had second thoughts, she remembered her decision not to cast her pearls before swine, and she was comforted and strengthened.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists addicted to anger

Kayla couldn’t make sense of one of her adult daughter’s anger. Her daughter would fly into a rage over the smallest things; she’d make a suspicion or misunderstanding into a battle for life and death. According to her, everything was Kayla’s fault. Her negativity, hate, criticism, and bullying could be felt from miles away. She’d always been that way but had gotten worse as she’d gotten more independent.

Kayla had tried to be a great parent; she’d given her daughter everything she could and had accepted all the blame for her daughter’s hurt or angry feelings. She’d apologized numerous times while her daughter never had.

Many bullies and narcissists are addicted to hate, righteous anger and rage.

Anger is their drug of choice and, for them, has many advantages over getting hooked on harder drugs.

• Righteous anger produces adrenaline, euphoria and feelings of power. Kayla’s daughter loved the feelings. She could act out in any way she wanted and blame her behavior on Kayla.

• Righteous anger is free. Kayla’s daughter didn’t have to part with money and she didn’t care about any bad consequences. In her mind, the consequences were mild compared to the feeling of power.

• The fix of righteous anger can be delivered any time. In medicine it’s called PRN; any time Kayla’s daughter wanted, she could push the button and get her dose.

• Righteous anger is more socially acceptable than many other drugs. Most people did think of Kayla as the problem. They suggested ways Kayla could change her behavior so her daughter wouldn’t be so angry at her. Everyone was afraid to face her daughter; they might offend her and be battered by the consequences.

Is there scientific proof this idea is true?

No. And there’s no evidence that rage addiction produces as many addictive bio-chemicals as hard drugs.

• But proof didn’t matter to Kayla. What was more important was that it helped Kayla:

• Make sense of her past interactions with her daughter.

• Predict with amazing accuracy what would happen when she interacted with her daughter.

Trying to reason with her daughter was as effective as telling an addict to stop using her drug of choice.

Her daughter could be as critical, negative, controlling and abusive as she wanted but that didn’t matter to her. She’d always find a reason to dislike something Kayla did and make that reason the start of Kayla’s provoking her. Even if what Kayla was accused of was non-existent or trivial to everyone else, she’d be damned if she did something; damned if she didn’t. Whenever her daughter wanted a fix, she’d blow up. Kayla was always guilty; she was doomed.

Kayla’s relieved herself of guilt and started planning ahead.

Since she knew a blow up was inevitable, she could decide whether being in any situation was worth the effort and the mental and emotional price she’d have to pay. Were the holidays worth the pain, was a trip to the mall with her granddaughter worth the pain, was a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter worth the pain, was taking the high road in public worth the pain or would it only encourage her daughter to do worse?

Since Kayla had decided how to think and feel about her daughter’s addiction, she could decide what to do without guilt, embarrassment or shame.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben

http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Don’t pretend bullies, narcissists are okay

Helen was distraught. Her adult daughter was negative, critical and demanding as usual. At a family Christmas party, she yelled that Helen had ruined her life and she’d never let Helen see her granddaughter. She loved her father, Helen’s ex, who was at the party with his new, young girlfriend. He always agreed with the daughter and gave her everything she wanted. He slyly encouraged the daughter to blame Helen, whenever she was upset at anything. The daughter hated Helen for divorcing her sweet, loving father.

Helen told me she hadn’t told her daughter about her father’s alcoholism, abuse, beating her and then going after their daughter. That’s when Helen had called the police, who removed her husband before he got to the child. That’s when Helen divorced him. He’d been gone from their lives until Helen’s daughter was 25.

Now, he preened as the center of attention, enjoying his daughter’s love while making sarcastic, demeaning comments to Helen whenever their daughter wasn’t present. He told Helen he’d make sure their daughter hated and discarded her. In public, he pretended to be Helen’s friend; a nice guy and an innocent victim of divorce, full of good advice.

Don’t collude with bullies, narcissists by keeping silent.

Helen had never told her daughter the truth about her father because she didn’t want to interfere with a relationship between a daughter and her father. Helen’s plan had worked.

Her daughter now had a wonderful relationship with a man who’d been her bullying, narcissistic father and hadn’t changed. Her daughter had repressed her memories of what he’d done. Instead, she hated Helen, who’d worked two jobs and paid for her education. Her daughter had been lured by her father’s gifts and swallowed his stories about how Helen had been unfair to him. Now her daughter thought he was wonderful and Helen was the bad person.

What can Helen do now?

Helen wished she’d told her daughter the truth all those years she was growing up. Her job had been to interfere in order to protect a young girl from lies and manipulation by her biological father. She was guilty of stepping aside and allowing her daughter to have a relationship with an abusive narcissist. And she hated having to be polite to him now, pretending that nothing horrible had happened.

But if she made a scene now, she was sure her daughter would hate her for driving a wedge between her and her father. And probably her daughter wouldn’t believe her.

Helen finally decided to speak up; to shine a light.

She decided to make a scene at her daughter’s birthday party, to which her ex had been invited. She began by apologizing to her daughter for never telling her the truth; for allowing her to be in harm’s way with a man who’d been so rotten to her and still wanted to manipulate his daughter. Helen’s ex denied everything. Helen’s daughter was angry at Helen for ruining her party. And she wouldn’t believe any of the cruel and hateful things Helen had said.

That’s when Helen produced the police report and evidence from his trial. She stayed to rebut every new lie her ex tried to tell. She said she’d never again be in the same place with him. Forcing herself to be polite while he pretended to be nice was too offensive to her Soul.

Helen’s daughter now faced a test.

She could cling to her father because he always agreed with her and had dangled the promise of a big inheritance if she adored him. Or she could swallow her pride and apologize for throwing Helen away when she thought Helen would be no use anymore. Her daughter chose wisely.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Become a drama/chaos-free zone

Many bullies and narcissists take control of people and situations by creating drama and chaos. Everyone has problems in life; stuff breaks; health goes south; hopes, dreams and expectations get shattered. But that doesn’t require fear and panic, drama and chaos.

Gina had noticed a pattern. Both her mother and one adult daughter loved drama and chaos. Every time life seemed to be going along smoothly, something would happen and they’d get hysterical. Everything was an emergency; it was the end of the world. By the time everyone in the family, especially Gina, had gotten involved, Gina realized she’d spent every minute doing what they wanted. Nothing had been solved but she’d spent a lot of money and it was her fault that things were even worse. All her plans had been ruined; she could never relax and enjoy herself.

What seemed like a simple problem had become a whirlpool or black hole, and everyone had been sucked in to make her mother or that daughter happy.

But how could Gina not help? Gina realized she was being sucked into the hysteria and required to help the way they wanted, which meant using all her time and energy to throw gasoline on the fire.

During these near-continuous episodes, they’d become the center of attention. Everyone’s feelings, thoughts and energies were devoted to making them feel better. And afterward, Gina was exhausted.

But how could she say, “”No” and mean it. And not feel guilty about it.

Gina declared herself a drama/chaos-free zone.

She made that more palatable by saying her doctor required her to have no drama or chaos for six months. Of course, that didn’t stop her mother or that daughter. They’d never cared what Gina thought or wanted. They demanded she help them the way they wanted.

Gina used the scripts she’d prepared.

“That’s a real problem. Sorry, I can’t help this time. When you’ve solved it, we can get together for coffee. Doctor’s orders.” And she hung up.

She had to restrain herself from immediately calling back and suggesting solutions and then doing what they wanted. She had to restrain her fear and guilt that her mother would die of neglect. She didn’t. She had to live with her fear that something horrible would happen to that daughter or her daughter would be even nastier and keep the grandchildren from her. But her daughter needed her and wouldn’t kill the cow she thought might give milk later.

Gina had to resist their bullying and manipulation.

Her mother and her daughter attacked her. They called her names; they threatened her. Then they tried getting the rest of the family involved to force her into returning to her old behavior. Gina kept smiling and saying, “No,” sweetly. She never explained why she was so mean and selfish.

Gina had to resist her inner bully.

“You’re being cold and uncaring. Our main job is to be forgiving and available to help others. You won’t be loved by God. You’re guilty of a grave sin.” Gina also had scripts to argue with that voice. Then she focused her whole energy and attention on other activities she’d planned. After a while her guilt subsided.

Of course they kept trying but the doctor-required, drama/chaos-free zone kept getting extended.

After a long time, when Gina seemed to feel no guilt and was steady on her course, she noticed her mother and that daughter had found other people to fill their needs. She’d hoped they’d change their bullying and narcissism but the chose the easy path.

And Gina got the result she wanted: a drama/chaos-free life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Save bullies, narcissists from a distance

Fern and Francine had the same problem but with different people. They thought they had to think of other people first, and that love and caring meant rescuing those people.

Fern’s husband was a bullying narcissist. He was always demanding, angry, and right. He constantly mocked and criticized her, controlled all their money, demanded she do all the work around the house even though she made as much money as he did, and bought whatever he wanted but told her that her wanting a birthday present showed her greed and vanity. Then there was his drinking, the pornographic web sites and the nights he stayed out until morning. He hated when she tried to interfere with his life. But maybe once a year he said something nice to her and she forgave everything.

Francine’s adult son was entitled, demanding and blamed all his problems on her. He claimed she’d never given him everything he needed when he was growing up and never did enough now to help him out of situations he’d gotten himself into against her advice. When she wouldn’t put up with his bullying and abuse, he wouldn’t let her see her beloved grandchildren. He seemed to enjoy torturing her by making appointments to bring the children and simply never showing up. She deserved pain; the guilt was hers.

Fern and Francine’s primary rule was that if someone was hurting or needed anything, or if they could see any potential in someone, they had to do the loving, comforting and kind thing by giving that person what they wanted.

They knew how hard it had been for them to overcome having been raised by crazy, bullying, narcissistic parents, and they hoped that if they were nice enough, Fern’s husband and Francine’s son would someday understand their pain and start being nice to them.

Fern and Francine decided to stop meddling in people’s lives.

They realized rescuing, caretaking and enabling had been taught to them by people who’d used and abused them all their lives. Now they were sacrificing their own bodies by meddling in someone else’s personal growth and development. They were choosing to be martyrs in order to save people they loved. They thought the reward for martyrdom would be success and love. They weren’t happy and singing hymns while being led into the coliseum to face the lions.

They decided they didn’t need to go on those roller coaster rides any more.

The battering on the rides hurt too much. They didn’t need to be bled dry or beaten as a scapegoat for someone else’s inner torment or sadistic pleasure. The only thing they could really do was get out of the line of fire and pray for those people. And they could lead wonderful, joyous lives while doing that.

They could love at a distance. Close up hurt too much.

It was especially hard on Francine because she was resisting the urge to meddle in her own son’s life but they both got themselves out of the clutches of their tormentors.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

To stop bullies, narcissists requires power

Ruthie panicked every time she thought of being straight, strong and powerful with people who were using and abusing her.  Her mind went blank and she froze.

She knew that was a legacy from her narcissistic, bullying father.  She’d learned early that to stand up to his wrath and vengeance meant death – mentally, emotionally and physically.  She decided the only way to survive was to be sweet, beg him to consider her once in a while and accept any punishment with a smile.  She even had to accept when he’d pimped her out to promote his business and told her to suck it up.

Long after he was dead, she perpetuated her terror and helplessness with her husband and her children.  Of course they preyed upon her like alligators, ripping her to shreds almost all the time but being considerate once a year to keep her hopeful of winning their love and kindness…if only she remained powerless.

Ruthie finally realized bullies and narcissists understand only power.
Of course they hate our power and try to convince us they’ll be more hateful and relentless than we’ll be, and they’ll never change so why fight.  They have many good excuses to justify their criticism, negativity, demands and anger when we disobey.  Also, they try to convince us that if we resist, we should feel guilty; it’s our fault if they’re upset.

Ruthie realized that she was the one who needed to change.
Her change was to give up the goal of finally winning their love and respect, of making them peaceful, and to have a new goal; to use her power to decide what behavior to allow in her personal space.

As much as she loved them, she didn’t like them at all.  She decided she was not going to live the rest of her life in terror, accepting punishment as her due.  She’d rather be alone than be a cowardly slave all her life.  She had to use her power, whether they liked it or not.

She allowed herself to feel her rage at them and used it to fuel her determination.
She started small, then escalated, eventually even in public.  She told her husband she was going out with her friends whether he liked it or not.  When he trashed the house during her absence, she spend his birthday present money to hire cleaners.  When he grabbed her hard, she called the police.

She started refusing her adult children’s demands to watch their kids at the last minute when she had other plans.  When they were mean and demeaning at an extended-family gathering she got up before the meal and told everyone what they were doing.  She called them selfish, arrogant and narcissistic in front of everyone.  And spontaneously, she started singing Elvis Presley’s “Love me Tender.”  It was shocking and hysterical for the ones in her extended family who’d hated the way the others had treated Ruthie.

When they said they’d keep the grandchildren from her, she cried but, through the tears, said it was their decision and she was so sorry they’d be teaching their children what to do to them when they grew up.

Ruthie didn’t end up alone.
Freedom for her came when she accepted she couldn’t change them no matter how she tried.  That goal would keep her enslaved for life.  Ruthie thought she had no power but we found some for her, even though it was the power to leave.  Her task was to use her energy and power to make her life wonderful, surrounded by people who were kind to her and who made her laugh, while she did the same for them.  

The end of the escalating, as they attacked her more outrageously, was when she filed for divorce and also blocked one of her children.  It was the most difficult thing she’d ever done.  But she was not destroyed and the world didn’t end, only one cherished dream.   And her other son and his family enjoyed her company.  And many old and new friends came in to fill the space that had been wasted on alligators.

The only cure for fear is courage and action.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Changing bullies, narcissists’ hearts requires a miracle

Opal finally gave up trying to teach her husband and one of her adult daughters the meaning of polite, caring, loving behavior.  They never got it.  She’d loved them unconditionally, given them everything and tried every method she’d read about.  She tried dragging them to every therapist she could find who promised to change the attitudes and behavior of bullies and narcissists.

But her husband and daughter resisted every attempt; they never changed.  They were convinced they were right and demanded whatever they wanted.  They changed their demands at a moment’s notice and told her she was forgetful, stupid and lying.  If she didn’t jump immediately she was a failure as a wife and mother.  She should feel guilty forever.  They even seemed to enjoy tormenting and abusing her.  They were uncaring and unloving.  She was their servant and wasn’t allowed to have any wants or needs of her own.  She simply didn’t matter as a person.

“Have I done enough?  Have I done everything?” are the wrong questions; they’re guaranteed to keep us slaves forever.
Opal had wanted to stop waiting on them but had been unable to resist her own discomfort at doing that.  She gave in to her childhood training.  She bullied herself with self-doubt.  Maybe she hadn’t done enough or been good enough?  If only she’d kept trying, maybe they’d finally change?  She couldn’t stop hoping.  To give up on them would be a sin.

Although “Have I done enough?  Have I done everything?” seem like questions, actually, they are not.  Questions are questions because there can be at least two answers.  But there’s only one answer to those questions.  We can never know we’ve done enough; we can never have done everything possible.  The answers to those questions lie in the unknown future and maybe something new and different might work in the future.  Or maybe, for some reason, the old methods might work in the future.  We can never know.

Why do we call changing the hearts of bullies or narcissists, “a miracle?”
We are very accurate when we say that to change the hearts of bullies and narcissists requires a miracle.  Think about what a miracle means:

1. The probability of a miracle happening is really low.  Make your own guess.  One in a billion?  One in a trillion?
2. Making miracles is not in our control.  Making miracles is above our paygrade.  No matter what we do, we do not make miracles.

A better question is, “Do I want to keep going on that roller coaster ride?”
We get to answer that question.  We decide.  Opal was clear.  Something inside her had snapped and she was done trying to educate and convert her husband and that daughter.

The pain of their roller coaster ride was too great.  She wanted to go on different rides for the rest of her life.  She wanted rides that might bring her joy; rides which she could share with people whose behavior showed they loved and appreciated her.

Who am I to decide what’s good enough for me?
As soon as Opal decided to leave them, her heart leaped with joy.  She felt that a huge weight had been lifted off her back and the forever knot-in-her-stomach relaxed.  However, she rapidly began running the old guilt-tapes she’d carried since childhood.  She was scared by the thought of throwing the old tapes away and being on her own.  It would be arrogant and disloyal; she’d be alone and unloved.

But she was an adult now and could decide her own rules for life.  Especially when that meant throwing out rules from her past that had always made her life miserable.  Those were the old rules that kept her accepting negativity, criticism, sarcasm and many other demeaning behaviors.  Those were the rules that kept her chained to her abusers.

Once she dedicated herself to try different rules, what to do was clear.  How to do it wasn’t going to be easy.  So what?

Do we have to give up hope?
Not at all.  But we do have to give up being responsible for making them happy.  They’d have to figure out how to do that by themselves.  Opal still had hope they’d change someday.  She wished them happier lives.  But if they hated her all their lives, too bad for them.  They’d have to answer for their hate as well as their hate-filled behavior.

What can we do while we’re waiting for a miracle to occur?

1. Opal could now distinguish her husband and that daughter’s spirits, their Souls, the potential she saw in them, her hopes for them from their selfish, lazy, entitled personalities.  They chose to let their mean, nasty, vicious personalities were.  They’d sold their Souls to the worst of their personalities.
2. From a safe distance, Opal could light candles and pray for them.  She could wish them well.  And she knew she had to protect herself from their greed, power and control.  Her continued slavery would be bad for them.
3. If Opal had leverage or power over them, she might have been able to change their behavior, even if she couldn’t change their hearts.  But she didn’t.
4. She could create a wonderful life with people who cared for her in ways that made her feel good.  She could replace guilt and self-flagellation with appreciation that she’d finally started becoming the person she’d always wanted to be.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Five ways bullies, narcissists and “professional victims” think

Nora finally gave up trying to rescue and educate one of her adult daughters.  That daughter thought she should be the center of the whole family’s attention and love.  Her brother and sister, and her parents should give her what she wanted.

Her daughter's anger had no bounds; her needs were ever changing and endless.
She was entitled to special treatment and if she didn’t get what she wanted, she felt free to be as vindictive, bullying and abusive as she wanted.  She tried to set her siblings against each other and against her parents whenever she could.

Five ways many bullies, narcissists and “professional victims” think:

1. Their feelings are accurate, real, The Truth.  Their feelings matter the most and should be most important to everyone else.  No one is as sensitive; no one else’s feelings are important.
2. They are justified in what they feel; other people should understand them, which means agree with them and make them feel better.  They should get what they want immediately.  Everyone should be a slave or servant to their needs.
3. Their feelings cannot be changed by them; their feelings can be changed only when other people beg for forgiveness and give them what they want.
4. The target of the moment should give in to make peace.  Spectators and bystanders should be made to side with them and gang up to make their oppressor give in.
5. If they’re nasty or manipulative enough, their target will give in eventually.

“Professional Victims” gain control and turf by claiming they’re being victimized.
Other people walk around on egg shells trying to please them, make them feel good.

Five approaches that do not change the behavior of bullies, narcissists and “professional victims:”

1. Letting them vent and waiting for them to become reasonable so you can educate them.
2. Using evidence, facts, reason, logic to defend yourself.
3. Thinking that if you give in this time, they’ll be satisfied and they won’t demand any more.
4. Appealing to good values, conscience, caring and understanding for other people.
5. The Golden Rule, niceness, kindness, unconditional acceptance.

Three conditions that might make them change their behavior:

1. A change of heart, a miracle.
2. Their need of you makes them come to negotiate after they fail.
3. Your leverage and power.

Two unusual approaches might change their behavior:

1. Challenge them with a smile, in public, so other people join your side.
2. Embarrass them in public for attacking you (their demeaning, sarcastic, hurtful humor).

Nora gave up trying to satisfy that daughter.
She decided to protect the other children and herself and her husband.  She was not going to let that daughter sink the whole family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists enjoy drama, your pain

Maggie finally stopped psychoanalyzing her parents and her adult children.  She accepted the accuracy of the idea she’d avoided for decades: they enjoyed crisis, drama and chaos.  They dropped bombs and swooped into to reap the spoils.  They enjoyed her pain.  That’s how they knew they were in control, had power and could feed on her emotional energy whenever they wanted.

Many bullies and narcissists enjoy melodrama and uproar.
They often talk behind people’s backs, work in the dark, pit people against each other, throw hissy-fits.  “Passive-aggressive” is too mild and wishy-washy to describe the emotional damage they cause.  They’re like hyenas or vultures feeding off the bloodshed, violence and war they create.  Pain and panic are like nutrition to their starved spirits.

They want everyone walking on egg-shells.
They want the whole family looking over their shoulders wondering when the next attack will come, afraid of not being perfect, thinking it’s their fault, accepting the blame, feeling guilty.  Often, they remain in the shadows while they stir up suspicion, distrust and fights.

Maggie started creating a bully-free environment by not taking their feelings and demands seriously.
She said openly that her parents’ needs did not require immediate responses from her and did not require her to do things the way they wanted.  She waited at least three days before responding to their calls.  She told them they could call emergency responders or have food and medicine delivered instead of demanding that she rush across town whenever they wanted.

She told her adult children that she was not on-call whenever they wanted her to make it possible for them to have fun.  She told them the purpose of her life was not to make theirs comfortable, easy and effortless.  She started sharing every text and email in which they said nasty things or told lies about each other.

Of course, there were consequences.
She had to face the rest of the family trying to make her feel guilty because she wasn’t loving, kind and caring enough.  She had to face her parents threatening to die alone and in poverty because she was an unloving and ungrateful daughter who wouldn’t serve them the way they wanted.  She had to face her children threatening to withhold the grandchildren because she was an unfit grandmother.

They were shocked when she said her life and wants were as important as theirs.
That was the big bomb she threw into the old family dynamic.  She was no longer a slave or servant.  Loving, kindly and caring did not mean she had to do whatever they wanted immediately.  She would find people who would love her tender, and appreciate and reciprocate her love and gifts.  She would not live in a melodramatic soap-opera.  She was not going to waste her time and energy on their temper-tantrums and hissy-fits.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

With bullies, narcissists you’re damned if you do/damned if you don’t

Lilly was shocked when she realized her husband and two of her three adult children were making her life miserable by doing the same thing.  The pain and anguish, the bullying and abuse had finally broken through her resistance to seeing people she loved as narcissists who enjoyed tormenting and torturing her.

She was damned if she did what they wanted and damned if she didn’t.
No matter what she did, it was never right and it was never enough.  Their demands changed in a moment, usually escalating.  Everything was her fault.  She was never good enough as a wife and mother.

The problem was not that they didn’t understand how hurt she felt.
No matter how she explained and tried to teach them about kindness, love, caring and good character, they ignored her.  She had no voice because they didn’t listen.  The shock was seeing that they enjoyed her frightened, bewildered look; her frustration and tears; her walking on eggshells.

The problem was that her flesh and blood, and the husband she’d accepted in a sacred ceremony enjoyed torturing her; enjoyed her pain; enjoyed the power and control over her.

Suddenly she stopped thinking it was her fault; stopped feeling guilty.
She used to think, “I must not be communicating clearly enough, they must not understand how hurt and angry I am, I must not be able to set boundaries, I must not be good enough, I must have been a bad mom.”  And “If I give in, they’ll leave me alone.  If I resist, they’ll attack me worse.”

Now she realized nothing she did actually made anything better or worse.  Whenever they wanted, they’d always find logical reasons for torturing her and blaming her.

They were choosing to torture her and she must choose to ignore how they thought and felt.
She chose to stop caring about their opinions.  She was a decent person and she did know what was right and wrong.  She could trust her gut.  She felt her own power over herself.  And she began to do what she wanted.

They complained and heaped blame on her.
With a laugh, she accepted all their labels of “bad mom, bad wife, selfish, uncaring.”  She did have real consequences they didn’t like every time they threw temper tantrums or tried to jerk her around with their reasons for being angry.  And she stopped trying to make their lives easy and convenient by enabling, caretaking and being their servant.

She was amazed how free she felt.  And how they changed in reaction to her filling her life with joy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Cause bullies, narcissists pain

Kyra felt stuck.  If she tried to break her role in the family as caretaker, rescuer, enabler and scapegoat she would be causing her parents, her siblings and her adult children pain.  How could she cause pain and grief for the people she loved and felt sorry for?

Growing up in the chaos of a family with alcoholic and narcissistic parents, Kyra had tried to protect herself, her siblings and her parents from each other; from the lies, hypocrisy, manipulation, brutality, pain and rage that were constant.  She’d become the target of all the pain they dished out.  Her role was to give in, to take it, to rise above, to be strong enough to make them feel as good as she could.  Her pain didn’t matter to anyone.

Her adult children continued the pattern.  As soon as they were old enough, they forced her into the same roles.  Since her habitual way was trying to bring peace, order and consistency to chaos and pain, she went willingly.

What’s more important, politeness and long-term order or truth and justice?
Kyra finally had enough.  The negativity, criticism and back-stabbing, the bullying, abuse and narcissism had become overwhelming.  They denied everything, they said she was too sensitive and it was all her fault, they wouldn’t listen to her.

What’s more important, keeping an old way of being that destroys your Soul or giving your Soul the love, honor and freedom it needs to direct your life?
The future she’d always wanted was fading and disappearing.  Every time she tried to claim it, they snatched it away and drew her back into the family melodrama with her as the villain.  She felt her life was not in her control and would continue that way forever.

Her Spirit had risen up and simply said, “Enough!”  
Her health deteriorated and she wanted to run away from them all and disappear.  Her survival instinct rose up.  She’d always fought for survival and now she’d fight for her own life, the life she’d always wanted.  They’d respect her or else.

She wasn’t going to take it anymore.  But how could she be sure she was right when everyone disagreed with her?  And how about the guilt that flooded her when she thought of the pain and grief she’d cause them, breaking up the family they said was so important to them?

To have your own unique Soul-filled life you must cause predators (vampires, wolves, and leeches) and slave owners pain; you must cause bullies, narcissists and abusers pain.
Kyra found a place in her gut that felt like “Absolute Truth.”  She sensed the family dynamic in full clarity.  She was certain of what had happened to her and what would happen if she continued to play her role in this sham they called a loving family.

She was done carrying all their pain.  She was done being responsible for their happiness.  She was done with the sham.  She wanted a real family; a family in which she would be accepted for who she truly was, a family that appreciated, respected and honored her efforts, a family that wanted her tender love and loved her tender in return.

Their pain is the only chance you can offer to help them change.
Instead of seeing their pain and suffering as something bad she should feel guilty about causing, she now saw their pain and suffering as her invitation to them to change, to open up to new ways of being and loving.  She realized they’d never gain unless she acted in a way they’d choose to feel pain.  And they had free will.  They could accept her loving invitation or reject it.  In any case, she’d go looking for people in the tribe of her heart.  Them or other people; their choice.

Words alone are never enough; there must be painful consequences or they’ll never treat you right.
Kyra realized that the history of her whole life showed they wouldn’t change when she tried kindness and reason, when she tried to educate them, to show them better ways to interact, to rescue them from the pain they inflicted on each other and on themselves.

She would not act mean or nasty.  She would simply act firm, determined and courageous.  If necessary, she do what she said matter-of-factly.

There had to be consequences; she would break the family dynamic.
She’d even act in public, even if they were embarrassed.  Their apologies would be nice but wouldn’t count for much.  They’d have to make amends.  You wouldn’t let them off the hook; wouldn’t let them think they’d gotten past it because she’d accepted an apology.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.