Kayla couldn’t make sense of one of her adult daughter’s anger. Her daughter would fly into a rage over the smallest things; she’d make a suspicion or misunderstanding into a battle for life and death. According to her, everything was Kayla’s fault. Her negativity, hate, criticism, and bullying could be felt from miles away. She’d always been that way but had gotten worse as she’d gotten more independent.
Kayla had tried to be a great parent; she’d given her daughter everything she could and had accepted all the blame for her daughter’s hurt or angry feelings. She’d apologized numerous times while her daughter never had.
Many bullies and narcissists are addicted to hate, righteous anger and rage.
Anger is their drug of choice and, for them, has many advantages over getting hooked on harder drugs.
Righteous anger produces adrenaline, euphoria and feelings of power. Kayla’s daughter loved the feelings. She could act out in any way she wanted and blame her behavior on Kayla.
Righteous anger is free. Kayla’s daughter didn’t have to part with money and she didn’t care about any bad consequences. In her mind, the consequences were mild compared to the feeling of power.
The fix of righteous anger can be delivered any time. In medicine it’s called PRN; any time Kayla’s daughter wanted, she could push the button and get her dose.
Righteous anger is more socially acceptable than many other drugs. Most people did think of Kayla as the problem. They suggested ways Kayla could change her behavior so her daughter wouldn’t be so angry at her. Everyone was afraid to face her daughter; they might offend her and be battered by the consequences.
Is there scientific proof this idea is true?
No. And there’s no evidence that rage addiction produces as many addictive bio-chemicals as hard drugs.
But proof didn’t matter to Kayla. What was more important was that it helped Kayla:
Make sense of her past interactions with her daughter.
Predict with amazing accuracy what would happen when she interacted with her daughter.
Trying to reason with her daughter was as effective as telling an addict to stop using her drug of choice.
Her daughter could be as critical, negative, controlling and abusive as she wanted but that didn’t matter to her. She’d always find a reason to dislike something Kayla did and make that reason the start of Kayla’s provoking her. Even if what Kayla was accused of was non-existent or trivial to everyone else, she’d be damned if she did something; damned if she didn’t. Whenever her daughter wanted a fix, she’d blow up. Kayla was always guilty; she was doomed.
Kayla’s relieved herself of guilt and started planning ahead.
Since she knew a blow up was inevitable, she could decide whether being in any situation was worth the effort and the mental and emotional price she’d have to pay. Were the holidays worth the pain, was a trip to the mall with her granddaughter worth the pain, was a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter worth the pain, was taking the high road in public worth the pain or would it only encourage her daughter to do worse?
Since Kayla had decided how to think and feel about her daughter’s addiction, she could decide what to do without guilt, embarrassment or shame.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
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Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.