Tactics depend on your goals and circumstances. Sometimes you don’t poke the bear and sometimes you must. Or think of different images: Sometimes you must kill the snakes, put salt on the leaches, drive off the wolves, take antibiotics, pull the weeds, remove the bullies and narcissists, drive out the money lenders, shake off the dust.
Hazel’s adult daughter still threw temper tantrums. She’d criticize, yell and curse Hazel. She’d threaten to deprive Hazel of her beloved grandchildren unless Hazel gave her everything wanted immediately and accepted her bullying and abuse. Hazel was afraid to do anything her daughter might choose to respond to with more anger.
Harriet’s older sister had beat her mercilessly when they were children and continued, forty years later, to attack her behind her back to the rest of the family. She’d spread gossip, make up lies and attack Harriet’s reputation. Harriet forgot she was now a competent adult and usually reverted to feeling like a terrified little girl.
“Don’t poke the bear; it’ll only get worse.”
Friends and some family members told both Hazel and Harriet to rise above, don’t give their enemies food for attacks and accept, with good grace, whatever the bullies and narcissists did. Never say anything bad about them and, eventually, they’ll leave you alone.
Bad advice; sometimes you need to protect yourself and what’s important to you.
Hazel and Harriet realized nothing nice, caring or loving had ever made her adult daughter or her sister act any nicer. Those people got great pleasure from causing pain and controlling their lives. They also loved to fight. But not poking them, only encouraged them to attack more often and viciously.
They had nothing to lose by trying to drive off the snakes. Risking a fight gave them a chance for success. No risk meant they had no chance of success; they’d be doomed to a lifetime of being abused and bullied, of being victims.
Relentless bullies and narcissists are stopped only by power; not by conscience or regret.
Hazel and Harriet became more determined to live bully-free lives than their attackers enjoyed attacking them. They overcame their fear and guilt. They also learned skills and tactics to fight effectively.
Instead of trying to change the natures of their snakes, Hazel and Harriet wrote letters to the rest of the family calling those people snakes and princesses, and attacking their oppressors’ personalities and characters.
Hazel and Harriet didn’t expect their oppressors to change their hearts. Instead, they hoped it would become difficult for the bullies to continue acting the way they did once their behavior had been labelled and exposed. They were forcing the rest of the family to take sides.
Then at family gatherings, whenever their would-be controllers said anything, Hazel and Harriet openly and politely shown lights on them. They also said how their feeling were so hurt by that vicious behavior. When their attackers said their feelings were hurt, Hazel and Harriet said the bullies started it. They couldn’t stay at the gathering with such people and they left.
Harriet and Hazel were surprised.
As expected, some people came to tell them to rise above. Harriet and Hazel asked the peacemakers, who were actually throwing them to the wolves, to go back and demand the nasty controllers to rise above and be sweet.
The big surprise was that some family members joined them and threatened the narcissists. That shifted the power balance so Hazel and Harriet didn’t have to leave their families.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Grace couldn’t believe how selfish and abusive one of her grown daughters was. That daughter refused to let Grace see her grandchildren unless Grace admitted she’d been a terrible mother, did penance by admitting in public how her daughter’s problems were all her fault and gave her daughter all the money she wanted. Even worse, that daughter now sided against Grace with her narcissistic, bullying, abusive father (Grace’s ex).
None of the stories were true. If anything, Grace had spoiled her children. Once that daughter had turned fifteen, she took without thanks, criticized relentlessly, did whatever she wanted and bullied and manipulated Grace into giving her everything. Grace was bereft: she couldn’t admit to the lies but she was afraid of losing her precious grandchildren.
Grace had taught all her children to be kind, considerate and good.
She’d set such a good example. Grace couldn’t understand what had happened. She felt so guilty: What had she done wrong?
Grace hadn’t done anything wrong.
Yes, she might have been overindulgent to all her children but she hadn’t done anything particularly bad to any of them.
Grace’s analysis of the reasons why only that daughter had chosen to be demanding, selfish and narcissistic overlooked many factors including:
1. The children’s father was a narcissistic sociopath. He was demanding, bullying and abusive to Grace and their children. One half of all the children’s DNA was his.
2. The children had seen who’d served and suffered, and who’d won.
3. The children have free will. That daughter had chosen to follow her father to the dark side in order to get what she wanted. The other children had chosen to follow Grace’s example.
Why didn’t that child choose to follow Grace (the nice parent) instead of following her rotten father?
Instead of looking for psychological, cause --> effect factors and what had happened in the children’s lives at what ages, Grace stepped back and saw that the problem was the choices that daughter had made.
It’s easier to follow the dark side than the light.
Doing the right thing seems harder to many people than using power to beat or manipulate a nice, caring, loving person into submission. Whatever Grace had tried to teach, that daughter hadn’t learned. Only the other children had. Instead, she’d learned from Grace’s example the reward for being good was more pain, abuse and torture. She decided to side with her father because she thought she’d always get what she wanted from Grace no matter how badly she treated her, but she’d never get anything from him unless she sucked up and pleased him.
The problem was one daughter choosing the dark side.
The longer Grace keeps asking “Why”, the longer Grace will suffer trying to understand and figure out how please that daughter. When Grace simply sees the pattern of behavior and uses that to predict what that daughter will do, she’ll be better able to defend herself. And she’ll be relieved of her guilt; the other children chose to follow her example.
How can Grace continue to set a good example?
She could set a good example for the other children and grandchildren by distancing herself from her daughter and telling everyone the rotten things her daughter had done. The problem was not communication and different perspectives, as that daughter had claimed. Grace had evidence for what she said. The problem was that daughter’s bullying and narcissism.
Unfortunately, that daughter’s children were already lost to Grace. That daughter had already raised her children to despise Grace and to beat and manipulate her to get what they wanted.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Fran couldn’t believe her husband would sink so low as to try to drive a wedge between her and her adult daughter. He told the daughter many lies about things Fran had supposedly done to him, how his feelings had been hurt for years and how she’d prevented him from doing all the loving things he’d wanted to do for that daughter, his favorite. Fran couldn’t believe that this daughter had experienced all the horrible things her husband had done to Fran and all the children, and yet she’d still believed her father.
Faith couldn’t believe her greedy adult son would take all her possessions and even her home while she was hospitalized far away for treatment of cancer. He wanted everything; he wouldn’t share with the other children.
Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope.
Fran and Faith knew people like that existed in history and even now, but they wouldn’t believe their own husband or child would do that to them. They’d tried to do the right thing for years and this was what they got in return. They simply couldn’t understand how their kindness and caring could be repaid with such cruelty.
Don’t let wishful thinking triumph over the reality you’ve known for years.
But when Fran thought of all the times her husband had hit her and the children, had used her to do all the chores and to serve him, and had been negative, sarcastic and critical in public – in front of friends, family and even at church – she really knew what to expect.
And when Faith thought of all the times that daughter, from infant upwards, had yelled at her, threatened her, tried to resist, control and guilt-trip her, had bullied and abused her, she really knew what to expect.
The real question for them was, “When will you stop ignoring the evidence of years and continue living in hope of instant change?”
Bullies and narcissists don’t change. Or if they do it’s a miracle…and you can guess the percent of times that happens. All the wishful thinking made Fran and Faith easy targets for more use and abuse, pain and torture.
The best way to help those predators is not to feed them while praying for change; it’s to stop being a martyr and show them they had to change or be left behind.
Coddling bullies and narcissists never changes them. Both Fran and Faith realized they could continue loving, hoping and praying while they protected themselves from further torture.
They could expect the bullies and narcissists to continue hurting them until they had evidence they had a change of heart and showed their good intentions over time without reward.
Loving and liking are on separate scales. They could love their tormentors while disliking them. Wishful thinking and hope are different from recognizing the need to protect yourself.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Edna realized her husband and one of her adult daughters were worse than uncaring, they actually enjoyed making her suffer.
Her husband never asked what she wanted or did what she asked. He was negative, critical, bullying and abusive. He never acknowledged or talked about her feelings. He was the dictator; she never got to vote; her job was to support whatever he wanted and make it work. Sometimes he’d agree to do what she wanted but at the last minute he’d say they couldn’t go. Or he’d go but be grumpy, angry and belligerent and ruin the occasion. He was destroying her self-esteem and self-confidence.
That adult daughter used similar tactics but she was more overt. She’d berate and yell at Edna in public and in front of the whole family. She’d tell everyone lies about how Edna had hurt her, not protected her from her father and denied her any fun. Edna had been a terrible mother and should be punished for her crimes.
The problem wasn’t that her husband was on the Autism/Asperger’s scale; it was that he enjoyed tormenting and hurting her.
For years, Edna had always found reasons and excuses to minimize and overlook what he said and did. She excused him because she thought he was on the scale and couldn’t pay any attention to her feelings and pleas, and he never talked about feelings with her. Then she realized he’d always expressed his feeling in words and actions. He was clear: he was the dictator and ruled with an iron fist. She was his property and her job was to serve him. He told her how he felt and what he wanted. He said he knew what she felt and wanted, but that didn’t matter. He always did what he wanted and expected her to act the way he’d commanded.
Her daughter had grown up and saw who won. She’d chosen his tactics.
She summed it up clearly for Edna: “A good and loving parent's job is to make me happy by giving me everything I want. You have to accept me as I am or you won’t see your grandchildren.” Edna's feelings and wishes didn't matter. Actually, Edna realized her daughter knew how to hurt her whenever she wanted to.
Edna was told she was supposed to forgive, give and endure.
Other people in the family tried to get Edna together with her daughter. They said Edna had to be the one to rise above her feelings because that’s just the way her daughter was. Of course, Edna was inclined to accept punishment; all her life she’d been trained to give in to other people.
But at Thanksgiving, she’d seen her daughter’s face when she was telling Edna she’d changed her mind about letting Edna see her grandchildren that weekend. Edna saw her daughter’s face twisted with hate and rage. She’d never forget that face.
Life is not to be lived to see how much pain you can tolerate while you forgive perpetrators.
Edna decided she mattered. She wasn’t going to tolerate pain and torment. She wanted a life free from bullying, abuse and pain. She wanted to be free of guilt when she stood up for what she wanted. She didn’t want to be part of a family that insisted she endure torture and slavery.
Edna’s epiphany and determination were the key.
She kept the image of her daughter’s face where she could always see it. It was hard and it took time, but Edna succeeded. She moved away from her old life and into her new life, step-by-step.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
In a way that made her laugh, Deena saw the same pattern with her sister and her adult daughter: They were substance abusers and she was the substance.
Deena’s sister expected to be waited on by Deena. Her sister had a doting husband and two caring adult children but whenever she wanted instant service, she demanded it from Deena. Deena was required to drive for hours without any advanced warning, to shop for treats and presents for her sister and to slave with no reward. Her sister said she was comforted being waited on by Deena. Her sister never thanked her; Deena never did enough. If Deena ever hesitated, her sister attacked her as not being considerate, loving or kind enough. Deena was so selfish.
Deena’s daughter was even worse. She was openly entitled, demanding, critical, bullying and abusive. Problems were always Deena’s fault, never her daughter’s. Her daughter was clear, “A good mother would devote herself full-time to doing what her daughter needed to be happy. A mother’s job in life was to provide money, service and applause.”
The only things Deena’s sister and daughter agreed upon was that Deena should stop serving the other one and focus only on them.
Bullies and narcissists are substance abusers: they must have their fix of power, control, service, obedience and worship.
Deena was their favorite substance. She was free and readily available. Anytime they wanted a fix, they could demand something from Deena or simply call and yell at her. Many friends and experts advised Deena to keep giving in, apologizing, taking all the blame and forever holding the door open. Eventually, those people said, Deena’s sister and daughter would have attacks of conscience and become loving and caring in return.
The only way to stop being used and abused is to stop being used and abused.
Deena was thrilled looking at her sister and daughter as substance abusers. Now she felt and saw clearly; life-time patterns were explained. As long as she gave those addicts their fix, they’d come back for more. Their needs would increase with time. She’d never stop them if she continued giving them their substance.
Deena felt free.
This was not her fault. She was actually a good sister and mother. Her sister and daughter had chosen their addictions.
Deena started saying, “No” sometimes. At first she made excuses for not giving in to their power and control, and for cutting them off when they attacked her. Later, she simply said “No” or “Goodbye” all the time without explanation.
They blew up, but without effect on Deena.
Deena didn’t feel guilty; she didn’t respond emotionally to their attempts to destroy her self-confidence or self-esteem. She knew you don’t give drugs to substance abusers. That never cures them.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Cora dreaded the holidays. She wanted to run away and not see the people she was supposed to love and tolerate.
Her mother always questioned everything she did and compared her unfavorably to her siblings. Her siblings were worse: They were negative and critical of every opinion or decision. They kept asking Cora, “Why,” and when she tried to explain, they were sarcastic and demeaning.
Worse of all were two of Cora’s grown children. They were contemptuous of Cora. She was a lousy mother who never did enough for them. They always insisted on changing Cora’s plans to suit what they wanted to make their lives easy. Cora was bullied and abused by the people she was supposed to love and care for.
Many bullies and narcissists put you on trial.
The more you defend yourself, the weaker you become. You’ll never win because they’ll never stop. They always have more charges, more attacks. The more you try to figure out or explain what really happened, the more your whole life is taken up by defending your values, character and achievements to people who don’t like you. They’re trying to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. They want you to stop trusting your own judgment and to accept their judgment and direction. They’ll make you feel stupid and incompetent.
They want you to think, “What’s wrong with me?”
If you think you’re the problem, they’ve won. You’ll never be perfect or smart enough. They attack relentlessly so you’ll never think, “What’s wrong with them?” Cora actually liked her life, except for her family. She made enough money, liked her job, had good friends and a wonderful time with her two other children. But the rest of the family always made her feel “not good enough” for them.
When Cora found her Center, everything changed.
She realized she was fine. She accurately saw the family dynamic and her life-long role as Cinderella. She was enveloped in peace, calm and strength. At first she felt a wave of anger and a strong desire to fight with them. That wave passed when she decided fighting was a waste of her time. She was having too much fun to waste her time, energy and good will. But she wasn’t going to take pain and torment any more.
At Thanksgiving, she simply declined to talk about what she was doing. When they started the put downs, she simply said they were mean, nasty and vicious. They were not caring or considerate of her. Of course, they attacked her even more. She’d hurt their feelings. Everything was her fault. All their old strategies were used to try to make her feel guilty and isolated. But nothing moved her from her Center.
After Thanksgiving, she wrote cards to everyone, thanking them for the reminder about the family dynamic. She’d no longer put herself in the hands of people who put her on trial so she was going away for Christmas. They could all enjoy talking about her behind her back. Their opinions of her no longer mattered to her. She was now focused on what she needed to do to have a wonderful time with people who made her feel good.
After Christmas the family split into a group of perpetrators and those who stood by Cora because she was right.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Before Thanksgiving, Barb saw the pattern that had been ruining her life as long as she could remember. She felt trapped; no way out.
Her mother told Barb exactly what Thanksgiving feast she must put on in order to make her mother happy. Her adult daughter told her she’d given Barb Thanksgiving as the one holiday she was willing to see Barb. Then she described the way she wanted Barb to prepare it. Her daughter declared Barb’s job in life, as a good mother, was to make her daughter happy.
Actually, Barb didn’t want to be with any of them. They were both negative, critical, controlling, demanding, bullying and abusive. She wanted to be alone and to have some peace and quiet away from other people’s demands.
Bullies, narcissists want to write the script of the part you’re supposed to play in their lives.
Your part is always to do what they want when they want it, to make them happy anyway they want, to take any abuse they want to heap on you. You’re merely an actor in their script and you’d better play your part. They’re the writer, the director and the critic. You don’t get to re-write your part. You don’t get to challenge what the director wants. You’re merely an actor who follows orders.
That was the story of Barb’s life from child to middle-aged slave. Her voice was never as important as theirs. Really, she had no voice. Her job was to make them happy.
Woe unto you if you disobey their orders.
They’ll do anything to make you play the role they assign you. According to them, the worst sin you can commit is to rebel: to try to write your own part in your own life. No, even worse would be for you to go find another theater to put on your own play for your life. Who do you think you are? You must be kind, loving, considerate, forgiving of them.
Barb’s life was at stake: she must write her own part or die.
The idea that if she gave in, she’d be their slave for the next fifty years was so strong, Barb felt her struggle was life or death. She must make her voice stronger than theirs.
Barb found her strong voice at her Core, coupled with peace, calm and power. In a supreme act of courage, she simply said, “No. I’m not going to be at Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to be by myself and do what I want all day.
Of course they all blew up at her.
They used every threat and line of emotional blackmail they’d previously used successfully. But this time Barb was different. Her anger at her previous acceptance of their scripts and her fear of wasting the rest of her life gave her the strength and determination to stay in the role she wanted. She didn’t argue. She said, “Thanks for sharing.” She didn’t try to find another solution to fix their problem and make their lives work the way they wanted.
Barb freed herself from the part they were trying to force her to play and from the guilt they tried to force on her.
They kept testing Barb.
Barb made sure they knew she’d had the best Thanksgiving ever. She refused to talk about what a bad girl she was.
Her mother and daughter came with multiple, small requests for Barb to serve them. That was her role. Even though she was willing to do some of the requests, Barb knew she had to say, “No,” to all of them. She was establishing a new baseline.
When their Christmas demands came in, she again said, “No,” to putting on the big performance they wanted. But she did say she’d come to someone else’s event for a little while.
It took a year of withdrawal for Barb to see her mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her unless she played her assigned role. But her daughter accepted that Barb got to write her own part. And her daughter realized she’d better try to make Barb happy sometimes.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Alice couldn’t believe her adult daughter would do anything really bad to her. After all, she’d given everything to her daughter, even paid for college. She was sure that underneath, even after a 25 year history of rage and attacks by her daughter, she really wouldn’t harm Alice. Her daughter was simply emotionally immature.
With bullies, narcissists, how much danger are you in?
Between the ages of 5 and 18, Alice’s daughter opposed any rules, resisted any discipline, snuck out, ran away, threw temper tantrums, broke furniture, broke Alice’s favorite things, threatened to hurt Alice when she got older, slapped Alice and lied to the rest of the family and to teachers about Alice beating and abusing her.
Between 18 and 30 she told college security Alice’s mother threatened her and had her walked off campus, stole Alice’s car and left for a week, called the police claiming Alice had smacked her, filed for a temporary restraining order saying Alice had abused and abandoned her and told people at work Alice had abused her, and had Alice barred from the building.
All of her accusations were lies. These were only a few of the examples.
Are the threats only toward you or to everyone?
This is an important question. Did Alice’s daughter behave the same way toward teachers, coaches, professors or bosses at work? If so, Alice’s daughter has a serious, probably intractable, problem that society will have to deal with. She’d need someone to protect her and enable her to get away with acting horribly or, eventually, she’d get thrown out of college, lose her job, confront the police and the system would deal with her.
On the other hand, actually, Alice’s daughter threatened only her, and the people and things she held precious. She’d charmed professors, gotten good grades, and was a perfect professional at work. Recently, she could always run back to the bosom of Alice’s ex, who’d verbally and physically abused her daughter when she was young. He’d been a bullying, abusive narcissist but now gave her daughter everything she wanted.
That meant, her daughter knew what she could get away with in each situation; she wasn’t totally crazy. She simply thought she could torture Alice without fear of anything bad happening to her.
Here’s a quick way of assessing:
Place all these incidents (and any others you suspect happened based on your experience and reading) on a scale from mild to life-threatening. Somewhere on that scale you must draw a line at the point of no return.
Before this line, you’ll get your hopes up only to be crushed, you’ll give your love and money, and be spit on and you’ll experience servitude, emotional pain and torture. But you won’t go to jail.
However, beyond that line, you’re in grave danger. Your reputation and ability to work might be destroyed, you’ll be snubbed by extended family and neighbors and you might be run out of town. You’ll be followed by social workers and the law, and you might go to jail.
When behavior is beyond that line, you must give up trying to beg, educate, use facts, reason and logic, and rehabilitate. If you try, you’ll probably be destroyed. You must fight to protect yourself
What’s likely to happen?
In my experience, Alice must draw the line at the point where her daughter went public with lies about Alice’s mother, lies about Alice, getting the police involved, Alice is in grave danger. Especially now that her daughter is supported and encouraged by Alice’s ex. Alice has been lucky so far. In all the previous situations, the police and the judge believed Alice. But it will take only one miscarriage of justice and Alice will be ruined.
Alice must have no contact with her daughter. Fortunately for Alice, her other children are grown and independent so she doesn’t have to protect children from a predator. She must stop trying to welcome her daughter back into family events in hopes of reconciling. She can only pray and wait for her daughter to prove she’s had a change of heart by good behavior over a long period of time.
How do you know for sure?
Most people try to decide based on the facts. Since there were always a few good moments in the past and since there are no facts yet for the future, you can’t be sure what I’m predicting will be one hundred percent certain. But if Alice waited until she had evidence that would stand up in court, it’d be too late; she’d be ruined with little chance of rehabilitating herself.
I estimate future probabilities based on character, personality and previous performance.
Obviously, based on Alice’s daughter’s hate-filled personality, lack of good character and past performance, Alice herself predicted continuing and escalating attacks. Alice’s gut wisdom predicted she was in grave danger and she’d better protect herself.
Alice let go of her precious guilt and stopped being the enabling, rescuing victim. She stopped contact with her daughter, blocked her on all devices and got a restraining order against her.
But what might her daughter think?
Might her daughter think Alice doesn’t love her anymore? Alice decided she wanted her daughter to know she was pushing her away and closing the door on her personality and hate. And there would be a high price of good behavior to pay before there would be any hope of reconciliation. Words and promises would no longer be enough.
Alice’s survival and future became most important to her. Her daughter was infuriated because Alice took control of the distance between them, honored her standards of good behavior and stopped playing her game.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Zina said she was born to enable; it was in her blood, reinforced by her childhood training of how to be a good, loving mom. Her 40 year-old son abused her need to rescue him and insisted she continue. He said he’d fail in life if she didn’t help him. She owed it to him because she hadn’t made him happy enough when he was growing up.
Bullies, narcissists want to be at the center of “a Great Circle of Enabling.”
Zina insisted her son was nice to her when he was growing up, even through high school and college, except when he was throwing temper tantrums at her for not rescuing him or making his life easy. To her, he was critical and demeaning; selfish and narcissistic; bullying and abusive.
Even though he was bright, she had to smooth things over when he was flunking courses because some teachers wouldn’t allow him to do nothing or be obnoxious in class, or some coaches wouldn’t play him because he hadn’t come for practices. She’d always manufactured excuses to get him more chances.
When he got in trouble with the police, she begged, pleaded and hired expensive lawyers. According to him, her job in life was to make sure he never suffered.
When he didn’t have good enough grades or Standard Test scores to get into the colleges he wanted, she did everything necessary to get him into colleges acceptable to him. Later, she begged or coerced administrators and professors to forgive his behavior in the dorms or class.
She knew he was spoiled but what could she do? She didn’t want any options closed to him. She was sure someday he’d grow up and be the wonderful son she’d hoped for.
When Zina didn’t protect, coddle or cater to him, he’d attack her.
If he didn’t get what he wanted or get away with what he’d done, she’d failed him. His problems were her fault. He’d throw temper tantrums, destroy furniture, call her a rotten mother and give her the loud, silent treatment until she gave in. He’d even pushed her and slapped her. But that was only twice so she thought it wasn’t too bad. He was just sensitive and high strung.
He threatened her; if she didn’t give him everything, he’d fail and kill himself.
Zina carried tremendous fear, responsibility and guilt. She kept encouraging and giving, hoping the one percent wonderful infant would take over his life, instead of the ninety nine percent lazy, manipulative and entitled adult.
To release her enabling, rescuing patterns, Zina changed her old beliefs, rules, roles and habits.
Eventually she saw he’d chosen a path that manipulated her and was bad for him. Enabling ensured that he’d stay narcissistic and fail; she’d been hurting him. He’d flushed all her time, energy, money and love down the toilet. He was addicted to his laziness and the rush he got from being angry at her. He was addicted to getting what he wanted, the way he wanted, and squeezing it out of her, and whining for more. That was easier than working for it.
The only chance he has for a miracle is to fail and suffer. Then, instead of continuing to blame her, he might choose to do the hard work of struggling and succeeding in the world. Or not.
Of course, Zina struggled with the possibility he’d really die homeless or commit suicide. But she persevered and didn’t allow her sympathy and guilt to deflect her from what she knew was his only chance. She kept encouraging him to find the strength she knew was buried deep inside him.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Wendy stepped out of her old, unconditional love, forgiveness and enabling perspective for an instant and changed her life. She saw both her husband and one of her adult daughter’s trying to keep her in a cage and torture her into submission. She was like one of those teenage girls held captive by a sociopath in the attic or basement.
Some bullies and narcissists torture you in their cage.
Wendy’s husband insisted she stay home unless he send her out on special errands for him or she was shopping for groceries. He was negative, critical and demeaning; he was bullying and abusive if she got angry or spoke up. A few times a year he’d get her something he thought was nice so she’d know he really cared and loved her. But he’d always take it away in a few days because she’d displeased him. The more she tried to please him, the sweeter his voice became for a few hours but then she’d do something wrong and he’d have to punish her again. She could never please him or do anything good enough.
Wendy’s adult daughter’s cage was shaped differently. Wendy was never good enough to see her beloved grandson unless her daughter needed her. Then Wendy had to jump immediately to serve her daughter. And Wendy had to follow her daughter’s rules or else she wouldn’t be allowed to see him for weeks. Wendy knew her grandson missed her as much as she missed him. Her daughter told her she’d better do exactly what her daughter wanted or she’d be responsible for convincing her grandson she didn’t love him enough. The responsibility and guilt were crushing. Wendy could never figure out why her love and good behavior didn’t earn her more time with her grandson.
Bullies, narcissists want you all for themselves.
Wendy realized that anything she wanted to do for herself was forbidden. If she was interested in anything else, she might not be available to serve them. They told her she forced them to keep her in their cages. Wendy had thought of them as having minor “control issues.” That label made their behavior see almost normal; “That’s just the way they are.” Now she felt the weight of her oppression. She had to escape from torture in the cages they had for her.
Escape from her husband’s cage was hard but easier than from her daughter’s.
Clearly seeing the cage and torture gave Wendy courage, strength and determination. With her husband, she started by trying to educate him to pay attention to her feelings and wants. When that failed, she broke with her old beliefs, values and habits. She simply started saying, “No,” and she refused to accept any punishment for her resistance and lack of respect. His silent treatment now seemed like peace. His yelling and emotional manipulation hurt but she could endure the pain until she started enjoying the fresh air of freedom.
Wendy finally saw her resistance to her daughter’s rules did not make things worse.
At first, Wendy thought she was making her grandson suffer. But then, she realized her daughter kept her grandson away only when she didn’t need Wendy. She simply used the excuse that the punishment was Wendy’s fault. But as soon as she needed Wendy, she’d allow Wendy to crawl back into her good graces. No good behavior on Wendy’s part ever got her more time or freedom with her grandson.
Wendy allowed herself to see she didn’t like her daughter and wouldn’t play her old role as captive any longer.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Vera grew up being Cinderella in her family. She was the designated servant/slave. She was bullied and abused, emotionally manipulated and physically battered. Her parents were demanding, controlling narcissists. Vera’s sister had been selected for the role of Princess and she wallowed in it. She lied, manipulated and controlled Vera. She was the Petulant or the Demanding Princess.
Vera’s family cast one of her daughters in the Princess role.
After they’d gotten Vera to serve them, they lavished all their attention on that daughter and tried to force Vera’s other children to play the Cinderella roles. Of course they had the usual excuses and justifications: that daughter was the sensitive one (The Princess and the Pea story), she was needy, she was weak. None of that was true. They claimed the other children were the strong ones and didn’t care if they had to serve the Princess. None of that was true either.
By the time Vera was clear, strong and brave enough to rebel, it was too late.
Vera’s daughter, like Vera’s sister, jumped at the Princess role. She loved being the center of everything. She was sure she deserved it, it felt so good and she wasn’t going to give it up. She’d sold her Soul eagerly. When Vera started objecting openly, her daughter was already an adult and could threaten Vera by withholding her grandchildren.
Vera’s sister, the “helpful” aunt, sided with that daughter and encouraged her to torment Vera and to try to get the other children to side with her against Vera. It was two Princess against the servants.
The two Princesses forced the issue; Vera had to submit or she’d be responsible for destroying the family.
Vera realized there had always been two families. Growing up, the only family unity came when Vera was willing to play Cinderella. Now, the same dynamic was repeating. But now she knew the fault wasn’t hers; the Princesses and their courtiers had one hundred percent of the blame. She let go of her guilt; she wasn’t responsible. The people destroying a family worth having were her parents, her sister and that daughter.
They’d created a family Vera did not want to belong to.
Vera chose freedom.
The pain of gathering her other children and accepting the estrangement forced by the Princess and her Court was less than the pain of accepting a life of servitude and forcing her other children to do the same. So she made one loving family with the people who were willing to love each other tenderly as equals; not as masters and servants, Princesses and Cinderellas.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Tina’s toxic, controlling, demanding, blackmailing, manipulative, bullying, abusive father insisted she honor and respect him by doing everything he wanted, any moment he wanted. From seemingly little things like running errands to big things like attending events he’d arranged for the whole family at the last moment to please himself. He didn’t care that Tina’s husband had to work or that Tina’s four children had events of their own.
Warning: If you’re in the opposite position:
if you’re a good, kind, loving, reasonable parent with toxic adult children – you’ll hear the same accusations thrown at you. But you do know who the problem is in your situation. You know by how you feel and by the behavior of your bullying, abusive adult children. They’ll behave like Tina’s father, with the additional weapon of withholding your grandchildren.
Back to Tina’s father.
He pitted one adult child against the other. He told them lies about each other and bestowed favoritism from one to the other. If you obeyed him, you were in the will; you were a dutiful child going to heaven. If you ever questioned what he was doing or wouldn’t jump when he wanted, you were going in the other direction and out of the will. His decisions were final and there was no disagreements, excuses or appeals.
He’d spent money on Tina when he was raising her and now she had to be obedient and submissive to show honor and respect. In addition, he blackmailed her emotionally by saying he needed her to care for him now he was getting old. He wanted only her; not the other children or any professionals. She had to make his feelings most important.
Must you honor and respect toxic parents the way they want?
No. More important is that you become independent and live your life according to your own standards. You don’t have to make their lives easy and convenient the way they want. You can care for them in your own kind, loving way.
Being truthful, honest and open are the best ways to show you respect someone else. Being their slave and giving up your own unique life to serve them bestows no honor.
Follow the dictates of your own Spirit. Anyone who tells you different, for whatever reason they give, is really trying to make you into their slave. They want to be your Lord and Master. Of course they have justifications.
Tina and her husband faced a choice.
Her father made it an all-or-none choice. Submit or be cast out. They chose freedom instead of slavery. Of course, that meant they started out less rich than he could make them, but they’d set a wonderful example for their children.
Don’t believe me. Believe your Spirit: Give your life to your Spirit.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Shelly’s husband was crystal clear but she’d never faced the truth before. He said, “You took my name so you took on my goals.” She fooled herself into thinking that meant they’d talk and come to some joint agreement about what to do with their time, energy and money; they help each other be happy.
In bullying, narcissistic relationships, you’re “the help.”
After two children and years of control, demands, manipulation, emotional blackmail, demeaning, public put-downs, guilt-trips, bullying and mental, emotional and sometimes sexual and physical abuse, Shelly finally understood he was saying exactly what he meant. She was his hands whenever he wanted to use her to do anything he wanted. She was on-call 24/7.
He never cared about providing money for the family so, in his mind, money was her job unless it interfered with errands he wanted her to do at any moment. She could do whatever she wanted as long as he approved and she’d drop everything in an instant to do what he wanted at the moment. Therefore, she could spend no money he might have a use for and have no interests that came before him.
The problem was not his lack of intelligence, understanding or emotional sensitivity.
Whenever she brought up his promises, he denied them or said she’d misunderstood. When he read what she’d made him write as promises, he said he didn’t care what she thought. The words hadn’t gone over his head; he just didn’t care about what she thought or wanted. Finally he explained it patiently; her wishes, desires, wants, needs didn’t matter. The only things that mattered were his goals.
After seeing the movie, “The Help,” he told her servitude was what she’d signed up for. And he had no intention of changing. If she wasn’t happy, she was wrong and bad, and it was her problem to make herself happy.
In return for a life-time of obedient and submissive service, she’d get into heaven as a good girl and dutiful wife.
Otherwise, she was doomed and he could treat her anyway he wanted. And he told their children to use her also, as long as what they wanted didn’t interfere with his use of her.
What could Shelly do?
She’d tried for years to please him so he’d be happy and start doing things that pleased her. “After all, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be, isn’t it?” He said she was all wrong. Her job was to serve him; she was too dumb, selfish, angry and ugly to survive without him. If she left him, she’d never make it on her own. She’d be alone forever.
Then he showed, once again, how sensitive to her he really was. He listed all the things she feared he’d do and promised her, if she resisted or if she left him, he’d do them and worse. He’d ruin her reputation with her family and his. He’d get everyone in town to scorn and punish her. He make her life hell. He’d lie if he had to.
Shelly faced her worst fears.
Everyone would think she was a bad person. She’d be alone forever. She’d never get into heaven.
After tremendous agony and second-guessing of her thoughts and feelings, she finally decided rather than be a slave forever, she’d live her own life according to her own standards.
She did and life became wonderful. But that’s another story.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Ruth was upset; she wanted to get rid of the bitterness and anger she felt against one of her own adult children.
That child was ripping Ruth’s family apart. Since she’d been a teenager, she’d thrown tantrums, blamed her unhappiness on Ruth and tried to turn the other children against Ruth. She demanded all of Ruth’s time, energy and money; she tried to control every situation and manipulate everyone to her hidden agendas; she claimed she was never loved enough; she was negative and critical of everything, nothing would satisfy her. She was bullying and abusive. She expected Ruth to feel guilty, apologize and grovel at her feet.
I’ve seen the same pattern in other situations: people often feel bitterness and anger toward toxic parents and siblings, and also toward controlling, manipulative ex’s who continue to torment them.
Ruth thought bitterness and anger were bad characteristics.
She thought she wasn’t a good person since she obsessed on all the wrongs her daughter had done and the harm she’d caused. She wished she could simply let go and love her daughter unconditionally as she had when the girl had been an infant.
Bitterness and anger provide motivation.
Ruth realized her bitterness and anger served an important function. She needed those feelings to motivate herself to protect herself against a predator who wanted to destroy her and her family.
She needed to be on guard every moment in order to stay safe from a crazy, vicious narcissist who happened to be in her family. She needed tremendous energy and focus to protect herself from hidden agendas, attacks and manipulation. But the mental, emotional and physical cost was high for Ruth.
There is no good, joint resolution with narcissists and relentless bullies.
Ruth’s unconscious knew her daughter would take advantage if she ever relaxed her guard. Her daughter might look sincere, might make “binding” agreements but she’d shown she was simply a great actress. Only her daughter’s good behavior over time, without reward, would show her daughter actually had a change of heart.
With narcissists and relentless bullies there is no joint understanding and forgiveness so you can immediately move ahead with love and good behavior.
Don’t be fooled by “sincere” apologies.
Many of Ruth’s friends told her to let go of her bitterness and anger. They advised her to be more forgiving. If she let go of her fear, her daughter would also let go of whatever she was afraid of. They said that the only person Ruth could change was herself, and when she changed, her daughter would automatically change in response.
What bullies and narcissists mean by “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”
When they say they want to put the past behind and move ahead with a clean slate, they mean they want to continue getting away with abusing you; they want you to instantly open up again to further abuse because you’re so easily fooled. If you’re willing to give them instant gratification, they don’t have to change their ways at all.
When will Ruth let go of her bitterness and anger?
She’ll let go of the bitterness and anger when she knows she’s protected, when she has no fear because she knows she’s safe; naturally, automatically and easily.
Finally, Ruth can see what she has to focus on: staying true to what she knows, not letting fleeting feelings of remorse and guilt sweep her into letting a hungry wolf in her home. She must fence her daughter safely away from the rest of the family. She must keep the fence electrified until she’s sure, because of her daughter’s amends, reparation, and good behavior over time without instant reward, that a miracle has occurred in her daughter’s heart.
Simple, clear. Not easy. Until Ruth changes her motivation strategy or until Ruth knows she’s safe, she needs bitterness and anger.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Paula was shocked and angry at herself when she suddenly saw her husband had never wanted what she would call a real relationship with her. She’d kept herself deaf and blind for thirty years.
What she’d heard and thought.
When they were dating, he’d said he’d thought she was a good woman and he valued her. All the years they’d been married, when she’d pinned him down, he’d say she was okay and he needed her and would never let her leave.
She’d heard and thought those words meant the same thing to him as they had to her: love and marriage meant an equal partnership, listening to each other, valuing each other’s opinions, giving each other what made the other person happy and loved, bearing the burdens equally, making decisions together, kindness, caring, etc.
The relationship he really wanted; insisted on.
Usually he let her believe that fantasy but sometimes he told her straightforwardly: he was her lord and master, her purpose in life was to do what he wanted – to run his errands, to cook and clean for him and anyone he chose to bring to their home, to earn money and give him complete control of it, and to wait silently for him to tell her when he wanted her to do something for him. Seemed clear enough to him.
He was always negative, critical and demeaning. She never did enough, no matter how much she’d done. He was too busy and important to clean up anything so she had to do all the cleaning, all the errands, all the chores. Even worse, he showed he wasn’t interested when she gave opinions. Of course he was angry, she wouldn’t shut up and submit, and she wanted him to do things he didn’t want to.
Paula had found excuses for these rare moments of candor and clarification of what he’d meant.
She minimized the truth and assumed he simply was speaking unclearly or he didn’t really understand how much he’d hurt her feelings. She couldn’t imagine anyone could be so different from her; didn’t care what she thought or wanted, didn’t want a wonderful relationship with a partner and helpmate, didn’t want a real marriage.
She’d never listened to his words, never counted all his actions that showed how he really thought and felt. She’d ignored the thousands of times he stuck her with verbal and emotional needles when he wasn’t physically or sexually brutalizing her. She minimized never receiving birthday or Christmas presents. She wouldn’t accept his actions as bullying and abuse. After all, he’d said he cared and valued her.
That way, she could maintain her illusion that they wanted the same thing; her ideal of a real relationship.
She realized he’d known from the beginning what he’d wanted and how to use her.
Usually he was content to let her believe her delusions so he could use and abuse her. Usually he lied by omission; by not setting her straight when he saw she’d misunderstood what he really intended. He excused that by saying he hadn’t openly lied. He justified himself by saying he’d told her the truth a few times. It wasn’t his fault she chose not to hear, pay attention or count it. She’d blinded by her own hopes and wishes. Her fault for wanting something different from him and her problem.
He didn’t care about her as a person.
He valued her only for the work she could do for him and for being willing to endure being beaten any time he felt like beating her. She was a useful tool and he wasn’t going to part with her. He’ll use every excuse or justification, every threat to keep her in line. If she wanted to get away she’d have to do it based on her judgment and against his will.
Once Paula’s ears and eyes were opened, once she counted the pain and torment she’d endured, she had to get free.
She felt so stupid and guilty. She’d wasted so many years of her life but she wasn’t going to waste any more. He’d always said he’d never agree to her leaving; he wouldn’t let his right arm go. She knew he meant he’d never let go of his servant, his slave, the source of his money. She’d have to break free against his will and probably in defiance of their adult children.
She’d been strong enough to endure slavery; she be strong enough to fight for and enjoy freedom.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
When Opal was dating her husband, she’d felt sorry for him. He’d been raised in such a poor, restrictive environment and he’d suffered so much, he didn’t know how to behave nicely. He fought at the drop of a hat because he was sensitive to slights, to attacks on his honor, to people he thought would take advantage of him.
He’d been taught to rule women, especially his wife. He was continually negative, bullying and abusive; he didn’t know any better. But she knew he didn’t mean her harm, he loved her and she loved him so much she was sure she could teach him to care for her.
Thirty years and three grown children later, Opal felt like a failure.
She hadn’t been able to rescue him from the conditions and events, from the results and effects of his upbringing. She thought that meant she just didn’t love him enough, she hadn’t found the right communication tools, she hadn’t filled his emotional needs. She’d failed.
It wasn’t his fault; he couldn’t help himself, he meant well. She thought he suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome or was on the autism spectrum. She felt terribly guilty and ashamed. She had no self-esteem.
Finally she allowed herself to see the choices he made.
She saw he always controlled his temper around other people, listened carefully to what they wanted, did favors for everyone else, adjusted his schedule to please them, worked hard to make everyone like him. He chose to be wonderful to them, male and female.
However, he chose to control her every move and to take his unhappiness out on her.
He had different rules for her. He never wanted her opinion and was angry when she offered it. He ignored her suggestions, never remembered what she liked, left her stranded when he felt like doing other things, expected her to clean up after him, never allowed her to do anything unless he’d ordered it.
Opal saw it was totally his choice; he wasn’t forced to act that way because he didn’t know any better.
Mental or emotional deficiencies had only been her excuse to accept his way of treating her; to pretend that giving up her life made her a good person; made her a good wife, helped her rise above.
Since he never suffered consequences, he had no incentive to change. He’ll use any excuse or justification; he’ll never admit he was doing anything wrong or mean (especially, not intentionally)
Opal can’t prove it so why does it matter?
When she’d thought he was created and forced by his upbringing to be uncaring, she’d felt sorry for him and allowed him to continue tormenting her while she tried to figure out how to teach him better. It wasn’t his fault so why should he suffer any consequences?
But when she saw him as choosing to treat her like a slave or scapegoat, she got angry. She didn’t want to keep sacrificing her body, mind and Spirit while waiting for him to learn.
Opal saw her future as soul-crushing.
When she looked ahead at the rest of her life, she saw she was in a life and death struggle to determine who was in charge of her future; him or her. As long as she stayed, he could think he was fine; he’d done nothing wrong and she was just too sensitive and controlling.
He’d get worse with age. That was sufficient motivation for her. Well, that and finally deciding to become a model for her daughters. She decided to be responsible for her future, not for serving him the way he wanted.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Nancy thought if she broke away from her extended family – parents, husband, two of her four adult children – she’d be alone and lonely the rest of her life. Most of her family bullied, abused and used her. Since that was family, she thought she’d never find people nicer and kinder. She was also sure she didn’t know how to have good relationships.
Nancy grew up lived in a cult of users.
Why do I call her extended family a “cult?” Two reasons:
They have the symptoms of cults. For example; other people knew what was right and true, what she should and must do, staying with them was her only way to salvation, she couldn’t trust herself, she must serve them, they need her to help them, if she tried to leave they’d destroy her, they said she was too helpless and incompetent to succeed in the outside world, everyone outside was wrong, bad and dangerous, etc.
I didn’t want her to look for psychological reasons to excuse their behavior and to minimize her pain. I wanted the word “cult” to make her so angry and strong, brave and determined, she’d resist their lies and break free.
Nancy had been groomed to serve.
The only roles that won her relief from negativity and criticism, verbal abuse and physical beatings were servant or slave, enabler or competent fixer. She was bullied and guilt-tripped to stop being selfish; stop putting her wants and needs before the feelings of others.
Even when she was an adult, they never showed real kindness or consideration of her wants. The most happiness she felt were moments of relief from pain and torment. Sometimes, she was promised something she wanted but it was always jerked away at the last moment. She was not allowed to enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet by herself, or to visit someone she might have enjoyed.
Nancy was condemned if she did something, condemned if she didn’t.
Whatever she did was either wrong or never good enough. Sometimes, the criticism was openly abusive or sarcastic, while other times it was subtle so she couldn’t object and defend herself. Even if she did what was demanded, they’d say she misunderstood and did it the wrong way. Or they’d deny they ever said it and witness for each other that she was wrong.
She was shocked to realize they didn’t care; she was merely prey.
She was trained to beat herself, “What did I do wrong? Nobody who cared would act the way they did unless I’d provoked them terribly.” Of course her self-doubt increased while her self-confidence and self-esteem plummeted.
Nancy had failed to change them using every method she could find about how to communicate better and to be a better, more caring, understanding and forgiving person. She’d tried to please them all her life; she’d done nothing wrong; their behavior was not her fault.
Every situation, all the patterns were explained simply; they didn’t care about her. They were selfish narcissists; she counted no more than a servant and whipping post. She’d been raised in a cult of users and abusers.
She was horrified at the realization and started testing them. Each time, they proved her new insight was accurate.
Despite the difficulty, Nancy broke free; step by step.
At first, she was immobilized by her fears and isolation. But she was helped by writing a short story of her life as a struggle to escape from bondage in order to be free. They’d tortured her and keep her in solitary confinement so she wouldn’t feel equipped to deal with the outside world.
Now her Spirit and anger rose up and kept her on track. She’d get free or die trying. First she stopped accepting her role in the cult, no matter how they threatened or tried to manipulate her back into slavery. Then she made distance between her and followers of the cult.
Each small step she took helped her take more steps. Each step backward meant she’d try harder next time. Simple and clear, even if not easy.
She was surprised when she attracted new people who wanted to enjoy her company in a reciprocal way.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Last time, I told you part of Mary’s story with her mean, vicious, narcissistic adult daughter.
Mary’s sisters and extended family had decided that Mary’s mother was a suffering victim of her childhood and bad marriages. Therefore, Mary should put up with her mother’s anger, hostility, criticism, threats, violence and embarrassing behavior in public. Her mother wasn’t going to change so Mary stop being so sensitive. She should be strong enough to endure whatever her mother did to her. She should rise above, smile and be grateful she had a mother who loved her.
Mary’s two sisters acted just even worse than their mother did. They publicized lies about the supposedly-awful things Mary did to them; how mean and vicious she’d been to them. The extended family chose to believe them or to accept what they said because it was too dangerous to disagree and take Mary’s side. Mary should simply let them ruin every family event. Mary should be the bigger, better person; accept their bullying and abuse, and keep the peace.
Mary’s family had chosen her to be Cinderella; servant, slave and whipping girl.
She should see all the psychological reasons her mother and sisters had for hating, using and abusing her. They had good reasons for bullying and abusing her. Mary should stop trying to defend herself and prove they were wrong. She should stop making trouble and breaking the family’s peace. She should be thankful it wasn’t worse. She should overcome her resentment, anger and bitterness, and focus on being more forgiving.
Cinderella’s feelings don’t count.
Only the feelings and wishes of the step-mother and step-sisters count. Same with Mary’s mother and sisters. Only the narcissists’ feelings count. They wanted her to give up and stop protesting against servitude and beatings.
They used the four typical justifications for Mary’s submission and servitude:
Terrible backgrounds.
Physical, medical or emotional needs.
Philosophical or religious grounds.
Fear and power.
How can Mary change them?
She can’t. She’ll never change the family dynamic by begging them to be more fair, just and loving of her. The family revolves around their fear, stubbornness and power. Mary has no leverage; she’s not rich enough to make the rest of the family pressure her mother and sisters.
When Mary leaves them, will the family feel guilty and change?
No. They’re not motivated by morals, conscience or the Golden Rule. Her only power is to save herself by creating her own “Isle of Song in a Sea of Shouts” (Rabindranath Tagore). Of course, they’ll threaten her, bad-mouth her and blame everything on her.
When Cinderella no longer wants to be loved and appreciated by people full of hate, she can leave and not care what they think. Also, she can never be magnanimous enough to change their hearts. If she marries the Prince, they’ll still take everything they can and plot behind her back to destroy the marriage and overthrow her. That’s who they’ve chosen to become.
Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness are necessary for her.
Mary’s resentment, anger and bitterness provide energy for her to protect herself from slavery. They motivate her to escape and start a new life. No matter how hard. No matter how long.
Only after she’s saved herself and her Spirit, will she be able to release the resentment, anger and bitterness because she no longer needs them. She won’t need that energy anymore.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Mary’s adult daughter decided she was the victim of a terrible childhood and it was all Mary’s fault. Mary had forced her to do homework in courses she hadn’t liked, had not taken her to all the events she wanted, had divorced her father when she was 12 and had not given her a car when she was 16. It had broken her heart. A lot of her claims were outright lies. Her feelings mattered and Mary didn’t appreciate how much she’d suffered.
Mary had paid for her daughter’s college. But her daughter didn’t invite Mary to the graduation; she invited her father instead. She was afraid Mary’s presence would upset him and this was his and her special day. Anyway, Mary deserved every bad thing that was done to her.
All along, she’d ignored how Mary felt. She ignored her father’s constant criticism, bullying and abuse of Mary. She ignored the fact that he’d hit Mary twice. She ignored the fact that he’d never given Mary or his daughter a penny. She ignored the fact that Mary had to work two jobs to support them and make a third, job-like effort to arrange as much as she could for her daughter’s activities and enjoyment.
Many bullies and narcissists decide they’re the victims; only their feelings and sufferings count.
Everyone should center their lives on making sure the bullies and narcissists aren’t denied anything and don’t have hurt feelings. They have many socially-acceptable reasons why their feelings and desires should be catered to. Typical justifications are:
Terrible backgrounds. The world (meaning you) are supposed to make up for what they didn’t get before. If you won’t be their slave, you deserve their lying, manipulation and attacks.
Physical, medical or emotional needs. They are the most sensitive people in the world. That’s just how they are. If you don’t give them what they want, you’re not caring or loving enough and you should be punished.
Philosophical or religious grounds. They should be served because they’re men or husbands or the breadwinners. They should be served because they’re delicate women. If you don’t serve them, you’re punishing them.
Fear and power. If you want their love or money, you’d better serve them. If you want them not to destroy your reputation with the rest of the family, you’d better obey them. They’re more stubborn and relentless than you are. Do what they want and maybe they’ll back off or even give you a pittance.
Of course, I’m not agreeing with any of these. I’m simply listing what people have told me. The last category might not sound like a suffering victim. But their typical justification is that they’re simply defending themselves against your past torment of them.
Mary couldn’t change her daughter’s mind.
Mary felt so guilty; she must have done something terrible for her daughter to feel that way about her. She tried everything she could think of to convince her daughter to accept the facts or truth of what happened when she was growing up or that she was using bad logic to justify herself and excuse her horrid behavior toward Mary.
She finally realized her daughter was not beginning with facts and logic, and then drawing conclusions. Her daughter’s righteous anger felt so good, she’d become addicted to it. She began with wanting to force Mary to be her slave. Then she’d find clever arguments to justify her feelings and behavior. She’d use tantrums, accusations, guilt-trips, lies to Mary’s family and any other tactic she could think of.
Now that she’d become an adult, now that she’d gotten everything she thought she needed from Mary, she was done with her mother. Anyway, her father now had more money and wanted to give her everything in order to build a bond with her. He didn’t seem to mind serving her now.
What could Mary do?
That’s a long and very different story. It began with Mary grieving for how her life with her daughter had been a lie, for the character and values her daughter had now and for her shattered hopes and dreams because she wouldn’t have a wonderful relationship with her daughter.
But Mary could and did still make a wonderful life for the second half of it.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.
Leigh kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t understand why her oldest daughter would say she’d never see her grandchildren if Leigh didn’t cut her other children out of her will. After 35 years of enduring rages, blame, silent treatment, bullying, abuse and even physical attacks, Leigh still wailed that it made no sense.
Leigh said, “I showed her how loving people treat each other. Everyone wants to be nice to their family, don’t they? Everyone wants to work things out, don’t they? We’re all the same underneath, aren’t we? Everyone wants peace, tranquility and love, don’t they? Everyone wants to follow the Golden Rule and get into heaven, don’t they? It makes no sense.” Leigh was blindsided every time her daughter manipulated, guilt-tripped or attacked her.
Leigh had clung to her childhood beliefs and ignored the evidence.
She could talk about how she frozen with terror at her parents drunken, crazy anger, but she was sure they loved her and wanted the best for her. She could talk about how critical, negative, mean and vindictive her narcissistic ex-husband had been; how she’d thrown her body between him and the kids in order to protect them, but she was sure it was important that the children loved their father and knew he loved them. So she never said a word of truth against him. She could talk about the thousand things her oldest daughter had done, but she knew her daughter wanted the best for Leigh and her other siblings.
She’d believed in infinite goodness at the core of everyone and in the idea we’ll all eventually come around to loving each other. When she was growing up, that hope kept her struggling for a better life; the hope sustained her.
But now her oldest daughter was forcing her to choose between the other children she enjoyed and who enjoyed her, and the one child who was full of entitlement, greed, jealousy and hate.
Leigh broke through: as an adult, she took into her heart and soul the reality that there are people totally different from the way she was.
She’d never understand why people would choose evil as a way of life, but now she allowed herself to recognize selfish people motivated by money, power and the pleasure of inflicting pain. Now, she could predict what her daughter would do based on her past performance. Now, Leigh could use her energy to protect herself, her happiness and her other children instead of wasting her time and energy trying to understand a daughter who was different from the way she was. People, including her children, had totally different desires, values and character; they had totally different rules of behavior even though she’d raised them all. That was the way the world was.
Now, Leigh could plan how to respond to what was likely to happen.
Just like she’d finally given up trying to rehabilitate her ex-husband, she gave up trying to educate and convert her daughter by forgiving, minimizing and catering to her. Bur she wouldn’t give up on herself and the future she wanted. She decided to use her life to love the children and grandchildren whose love felt wonderful in return. She also decided to matter to non-family members who wanted and appreciated her caring. Whenever she had second thoughts, she remembered her decision not to cast her pearls before swine, and she was comforted and strengthened.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.