Before Thanksgiving, Barb saw the pattern that had been ruining her life as long as she could remember. She felt trapped; no way out.
Her mother told Barb exactly what Thanksgiving feast she must put on in order to make her mother happy. Her adult daughter told her she’d given Barb Thanksgiving as the one holiday she was willing to see Barb. Then she described the way she wanted Barb to prepare it. Her daughter declared Barb’s job in life, as a good mother, was to make her daughter happy.
Actually, Barb didn’t want to be with any of them. They were both negative, critical, controlling, demanding, bullying and abusive. She wanted to be alone and to have some peace and quiet away from other people’s demands.
Bullies, narcissists want to write the script of the part you’re supposed to play in their lives.
Your part is always to do what they want when they want it, to make them happy anyway they want, to take any abuse they want to heap on you. You’re merely an actor in their script and you’d better play your part. They’re the writer, the director and the critic. You don’t get to re-write your part. You don’t get to challenge what the director wants. You’re merely an actor who follows orders.
That was the story of Barb’s life from child to middle-aged slave. Her voice was never as important as theirs. Really, she had no voice. Her job was to make them happy.
Woe unto you if you disobey their orders.
They’ll do anything to make you play the role they assign you. According to them, the worst sin you can commit is to rebel: to try to write your own part in your own life. No, even worse would be for you to go find another theater to put on your own play for your life. Who do you think you are? You must be kind, loving, considerate, forgiving of them.
Barb’s life was at stake: she must write her own part or die.
The idea that if she gave in, she’d be their slave for the next fifty years was so strong, Barb felt her struggle was life or death. She must make her voice stronger than theirs.
Barb found her strong voice at her Core, coupled with peace, calm and power. In a supreme act of courage, she simply said, “No. I’m not going to be at Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to be by myself and do what I want all day.
Of course they all blew up at her.
They used every threat and line of emotional blackmail they’d previously used successfully. But this time Barb was different. Her anger at her previous acceptance of their scripts and her fear of wasting the rest of her life gave her the strength and determination to stay in the role she wanted. She didn’t argue. She said, “Thanks for sharing.” She didn’t try to find another solution to fix their problem and make their lives work the way they wanted.
Barb freed herself from the part they were trying to force her to play and from the guilt they tried to force on her.
They kept testing Barb.
Barb made sure they knew she’d had the best Thanksgiving ever. She refused to talk about what a bad girl she was.
Her mother and daughter came with multiple, small requests for Barb to serve them. That was her role. Even though she was willing to do some of the requests, Barb knew she had to say, “No,” to all of them. She was establishing a new baseline.
When their Christmas demands came in, she again said, “No,” to putting on the big performance they wanted. But she did say she’d come to someone else’s event for a little while.
It took a year of withdrawal for Barb to see her mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her unless she played her assigned role. But her daughter accepted that Barb got to write her own part. And her daughter realized she’d better try to make Barb happy sometimes.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.