Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions

Some bullying bosses are overt.  They yell, micromanage, criticize relentlessly, make personal remarks, are never satisfied and never promote staff. Other bullies are more covert.

For example, Abby controls her team by making quick decisions and immediately shifting into action.  If you stop to deliberate, she’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence.  Because she’s in a hurry, few people get consulted in advance and things are always done her way. Once she’s made up her mind, she won’t change direction.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: Covert bullies like to manage timing of decisions http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/09/08/smallb3.html

Abby tries to control her managerial peers with rapid decisions.  Her arguments for speed can be very persuasive: No one wants to be thought of as “slow or stodgy.”

On the other hand, Alex moves with great deliberation and caution.  He’s just as controlling as Abby, but in the opposite way.  He wants to chew and digest all the details before he’ll decide.  If you want to move rapidly, he’ll become exasperated and question your intelligence and good judgment.  Because he controls the snail’s pace, few people even bother making input anymore.

If he doesn’t want to implement a plan, he’ll say he needs endless information and reflection.  Usually, his deliberations push so hard against deadlines that everyone has to work hectically at the last minute, including weekends.  He doesn’t mind because he’s still in control.

Alex tries to control his managerial peers by delaying decisions.  His arguments defending deliberation and caution can be very persuasive.  No one wants to be labeled “thoughtless or careless.”

People who are concerned with making good decisions will adjust their processes and timing to fit the situation.  Some decisions can be made with extensive input and deliberation, while others demand unilateral and rapid action.  Each style can be successful or have disastrous consequences, depending on the situation.

The rapid responses of many small businesses secured them productive niches while corporate goliaths deliberated.  Similarly, decisions made in the blink of an eye – based on accurate intuition, the hair standing up on the back of your neck or a wrenching in your gut – can save your life or business.  If you wait for proof, it will be too late.

But, of course, we don’t want someone building a bridge or an airplane based on snap decisions.

Be warned: Abby and Alex’s covert, controlling techniques are used just as much between couples in personal life and in family businesses.  However, the same mindset and methods that work to manage peers in corporate life can be effective in those more personal situations.

How you cope with bullies using these styles depends on whether you’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor – see complete article for details.

There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Employees who Bully Workplace over 'Morale' Claims

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I say it depends. For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.  However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee, Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained her power by never being satisfied.

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I 

say it depends.

For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had

longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were

accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.

However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee,

Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

Post #63 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/25/workplace-bullying-and-harassment-recognize-common-techniques

-bullies-use/

Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/

Post #9 – BulliesBeGoneBlog This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/01/this-unhappy-employee-created-a-hostile-bullying-workplace/

Post #14 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/26/top-ten-ways-to-create-a-hostile-workplace/

Read more

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the

bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained

her power by never being satisfied.

Post #19 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all-boss http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/19/stop-verbal-abuse-by-a-know-it-all-boss/

Post #104 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Toxic Coworkers and Other Bullies http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/02/stop-toxic-coworkers-and-other-bullies/

Post #79 – BulliesBeGoneBlog You can’t Stop Bullying at Work with Employee Satisfaction Programs http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/07/03/you-cant-stop-bullying-at-work-with-employee-satisfaction-pro

grams/

Post #117 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies at Work: Control Freaks http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/05/04/stop-bullies-at-work-control-freaks/

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

Post #30 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/11/21/avoid-litigation-that-will-keep-you-awake-at-night/

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan

that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

Stop Sneaky Bullies' Agenda Control

In his article in the New York Times, Erik Eckholm, points out that, “Alarmed by evidence that gay and lesbian students are common victims of schoolyard bullies, many school districts are bolstering their antiharassment rules with early lessons in tolerance.” The article continues, “Rick DeMato, pastor of Liberty Baptist Church, [who] opposes the curriculum changes in the school district in Helena, Mont. [has led] angry parents and religious critics…[to] charge that liberals and gay rights groups are using the antibullying banner to pursue a hidden ‘homosexual agenda,’ implicitly endorsing, for example, same sex marriage.”

What does this have to do with the devious tactics of sneaky, stealth bullies?

Stealth bullies win when they can change the subject to fit their agendas; when they can distract you from your subject and make the focus of discussion be something they want to discuss and over which they think they can win.

For example, suppose you complain about your date or spouse’s public or private sarcasm, put-downs and nasty, mocking humor.  If he’s a stealthy, manipulative bully, he might change the subject by saying that you’re hypersensitive and you over-react, or that you hurt his feelings by complaining.  If he can get you to focus on whether you’re hypersensitive or have no sense of humor or on making him feel better, then he wins and you lose.  You’ll never get him to stop making those remarks.

Or suppose you’re angry that he hit you.  If he’s a stealthy predator, he might complain that you didn’t communicate that in a supportive way or that you over-reacted or that you started it and you provoked him or that he felt put-down by your anger, which reminded him of his childhood.  And that’s the only thing he wants to talk about.  If he can get you to focus on your poor communication or his hurt feelings and past trauma, he wins and you lose.  He’ll never have to talk about your pain when he hit you and, since he has a good excuse for hitting you (his past trauma), he doesn’t have to change.

Notice the general rule: whoever controls the focus of the discussion will win.  Teenagers are also adept at doing this to their parents.

Therefore, you must take charge of the agenda.  Make him focus first on his sarcastic put-downs or on his hitting you.  And you have to be satisfied by the result before you’ll discuss his agenda.  If he doesn’t satisfy you, don’t go on to his agenda.  Go as far away as you can.

What does this have to do with the anti-bullying policies and programs we started with?

The initial agenda in those schools is stopping harassment, bullying and abuse of kids or adults.  The reason given by the bullies to justify their verbal, emotional and physical attacks was that their targets were gay or lesbian.  I pay more attention to the actions than to the excuses and justifications.  The agenda is stopping the bullying and violence.  The agenda is stopping the negativity, pain, anxiety and depression bullying causes.  The agenda is stopping the targets’ loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and the increasing number of bullying-caused suicides.

Some people want to make the agenda be a torturous and emotionally-charged discussion of whether schools can be allowed to promote a pro-gay and pro-lesbian agenda.  And whether parents or educators control what’s taught in schools.

If those stealthy bullies can get you into those discussions, you’ll never stop school bullying.  They won’t have to stop their children from bullying and abusing other kids.  They feel that bullying and violence should be condoned or at least tolerated because the bullies have good reasons to torment their targets.  Since, they think, being gay or lesbian is a sin, if one of the targets becomes a victim and commits suicide, the world is a better place.

So keep the focus where it should be: anti-bullying programs that stop bullies.  When I’m called in to help schools develop effective programs, I always challenge dissenters to come up with a better program to stop bullies before we talk about areas that would distract us from the main agenda.

And in your personal and work life, take charge of the agenda and keep the focus on the subject that matters; stopping bullies in their tracks – whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.