Should kids ever fight to stop school bullies?

Should kids ever fight physically in order to stop relentless school bullies? I’ve been interviewed a lot on radio and TV.  But when I ask those interviewers how they stopped bullying when they were kids, all the men say that bullies were stopped when someone beat them up.  More important, beating up a bully changed the target’s life.  The targets now felt that they could succeed in the world – they developed courage, confidence and high self-esteem.

Nevertheless, many well-meaning parents tell their kids never to fight.

They say that:

• Bullies have a hard life so we should have sympathy for what they’re going through and how low their self-esteem must be.
• Don’t sink to the bully’s level by fighting back.  We have it easy so we should rise above the bullies.
• If we’re nice enough, kind enough and loving enough, the bullies will respond by being nice in return.
• We should never push back – verbally or physically.  If we push back, it means we don’t care.
• Violence is morally wrong and violence never solves anything.  Mahatma Gandhi stopped the British without pushing back and by preaching tolerance and love.

Let’s not even argue with those false statements.  If you watch the video about how being nice and caring doesn’t stop bullies, you’ll hear arguments disproving these statements.

Instead, let’s look at what bullies show us about what it takes to stop them.

Imagine a staircase going up.  The harder the bully pushes on us, the higher up the staircase we have to go in order to stop them.

At the lowest steps we do nice, peaceful things to try to get bullies to stop.  We ignore the bullying, we try to laugh it off, we make jokes to try to be friends with the bullies, we say how much it hurts, we ask them to stop or we try to rise above the hurt – that kind of thing.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  We’ve learned two things:

1. Some peaceful techniques that might work with some people who are bullying.
2. The bully was not a relentless bully.  The bully was a nice kid having a bad day.

But if the bullying does not stop, the bully is showing us that we have to be more firm in order to get that kid to stop.

So we go up to the next steps and push back verbally, and we learn how to do that skillfully.  Sometimes that works.  Bullies often respect other kids who show they’re not afraid and who have clever tongues.

If the bullying stops, that’s wonderful.  And, again, we’ve learned that the other kid was not a relentless bully.

Relentless bullies and determined boundary pushers are not stopped by these peaceful methods.  If we suffer in silence, if we whine, or if we advertise that we’re afraid, bullies think we’re victims waiting to be bullied.  If we’re kind, bullies think we are weak.  They’ll continue harassing and abusing us.

Now we have to go further up the staircase.  At this point targets might talk to school officials they trust to protect and defend them.  And they might get their parents involved.  And they need to remind their parents to get experienced, expert coaching.

If principals, teachers and parents still don’t stop the bullying, the relentless bullies are telling their targets that they’re going to have to fight back.  We’re close to the top of the staircase now.  Basically, we have to beat up the bully really badly – the quicker, nastier and harder the better.

Parents, you should have made sure your kid knows how to fight.  This goes for girls as well as boys.

A lot depends on the situation.  Is it one against one between kids who are the same size?  Is it one against a gang?  Fighting in elementary school can be just fists, but as the kids get older it will probably involve weapons.  There are many situations in which discretion is the better part of valor and the thing to do is to endure until we can get out of a rotten school or neighborhood, or away from a sociopath.

I strongly recommend three things:

1. Don’t be a victim.  You may be a target but you’re in charge of your response as you judge the situation.  Keep a fire of courage and strength burning in your heart.
2. Be willing to fight to protect and defend yourself.  Decide whether warning the bully might end the bullying or whether a surprise attack is your best option.
3. Learn how to fight effectively.  Notice, I did not say, “cleanly.”

What if you get suspended for fighting?  It’s worth getting suspended if you’ve stopped the bullying.  You may be a target; don’t be a victim!

You must be determined, courageous and strong in defending and protecting yourself – not because you deserve it, but because you want to, you have to.  “I want to” is more than enough reason to protect yourself.

I speak this way because I was a short, skinny, four-eyed kid who grew up in a tough, inner city ghetto.  I learned by observation and experience, not by philosophy or wishful thinking.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies; slow erosion of your soul.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

To Stop Workplace Bullying, Don't Turn the Other Cheek

Many of us have been taught to ignore putdowns.  It’s considered morally superior to rise above them. That’s a big mistake.  Respond quickly when someone attacks you.

For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public.  Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity.  But taken together they represented a hostile pattern.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: When insulted by a co-worker, don’t turn the other cheek http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/08/11/smallb3.html

Sybil harassed and abused Henry in meetings, in front of the bosses and in the hallways.  Henry tried to defend himself against her negativity with facts, logic and excuses. But he never mentioned the obvious hostility in her attacks.  His arguments didn’t stop her. He felt defeated and gave into despair.

Their coworkers called Sybil “The Queen of Mean” and tiptoed around her because they were afraid of her retaliation.  With her vicious tongue, she controlled the office.

Henry obsessed on her demeaning comments.  He continually complained to co-workers, family and friends.  Then, he’d be angry at himself for getting enraged.  He wished he could let Sybil’s cracks roll off his back.  He didn’t know how to make her stop bullying.

I convinced Henry he was taking the wrong approach.  He shouldn’t ignore Sybil’s assaults.  By allowing her to continue whacking him verbally, his confidence, self-esteem and credibility were undermined.  His staff saw him as likeable but weak.

Henry had some common, self-imposed rules that keep him from acting:

• “It’s just the way she is.  I should forgive her.  Since I can’t change her, I can’t do anything.”
• “The nicest, most reasonable people should tolerate bad behavior, rather than ask the most difficult, hostile person to change.”
• “If I’m nice and reasonable, people will respect me and change.”
• “If I’m angry, if I can’t think of the perfect, polite way of acting, I shouldn’t do anything.”

Henry believed in the Golden Rule.  His psychological explanations for Sybil’s narcissistic behavior also kept him from acting.  He decided she was simply jealous of him and thought he should forgive her.

I disagree: Just because someone was a victim when they were young or feels hurt now, doesn’t give them a free pass to hurt other people.

The first changes Henry made were internal:

• When he stopped taking the attacks personally, he stopped obsessing and began planning effective responses.
• He acknowledged that he should have responded rapidly to Sybil’s initial attacks. The more he allowed them to pass by unchallenged, the more bold she became.
• He committed to protecting himself.  He’d had enough and it was time to say, “No!” And he promised himself that if his first tactics didn’t succeed, he wouldn’t go back on his commitment. He’d simply try different tactics.

So what did Henry do?  He tried an escalating set of responses, increasing in firmness at each new step.  When he got far enough up the staircase of firmness, Sybil finally showed him what was enough.  She stopped.  The rest of their team now saw Henry as strong and smart.  Their respect for him increased

Don’t be a Henry and ignore insults outwardly, while they tear you up inside.  Don’t be a conflict avoidant manager. Immediately, counter any attacks from the Sybils in your life.  Use Henry’s method of escalating firmness to stop bullies.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Bullies: Support Good Behavior, not Bad Blood

Many people wrote and called for coaching after last week’s post, “Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way.”  Although their circumstances varied, their fundamental hesitation was the same: “How can I defend the behavioral standards I want if that means angry confrontations with my blood relationships?” Some common situations were:

• A bullying spouse.
• A bullying teenager.
• Sometimes parents or other biological relatives, sometimes in-laws and sometimes step-parents, who are nasty, demanding, degrading, brutal and abusive.
• Relatives, sometime biological, sometimes in-laws and sometimes step-parents, who reject, demean and even hit the callers’ children.  These tyrannical, sarcastic relatives call the kids losers, compare them unfavorably to siblings, cousins and ancestors who turned out bad (“You’re just like so-and-so”) and demean and degrade the kids relentlessly.

All the callers recognized that continued, long-term exposure to those bullies would destroy their own and their children’s self-confidence and self-esteem.  They could see how the bullying was causing sleepless nights, anxiety, nail-biting, discouragement, negative self-talk and even depression.  Their children’s school work suffered.  They could see their children either being beaten into submission or adopting bullying as their own strategy for success.  So why didn’t the adults act?

Some were afraid of the economic consequences of resisting spouses, parents or grandparents with money.  Some were afraid the bullying would increase.

However, most were afraid that if they objected to such treatment of themselves or of their children, they would split the family into warring groups or have the whole family turn against them.  Most were embedded in cultures that reinforced the idea that “family is family” and “blood is the most important thing.”  Most thought it was morally wrong to say “No” to elders or relatives.

They had tried everything they could think of: understanding, reasoning, sweet-talk, begging, bribery, appeasement, the Golden Rule and threats but nothing had been effective in changing the bullying behavior.

So they were stuck, knowing they were tolerating bullies and behavior that was harming them and their children.

Their hope was that I could provide a magic technique to convert those adult bullies into nice, sweet, kindly relatives; the loving, caring, concerned relatives they thought they’d have.

But they had already tried all the “magic wand” techniques and discovered that those family bullies wouldn’t change.  After all, from the bullies’ perspective, why should they change?  They’d gotten away with being abusive, demanding bullies for years; they got their way so why change?  They were beyond appeals to conscience or to considering the feelings they were hurting.

I’ve seen bullies like that have near-death experiences due to cancer or accidents, and still resist changing.  They’ve mastered brutality as a strategy to get what they want from life.  By now, it’s all they know.

In my long experience, each successful client had to face a difficult choice and make a different one then they had before.

They had to support good behavior instead of bad blood.

They had to change their inner questions from, “How can I fit in?” or “How can I do what I’m supposed to?” to a question of “What behavior will I allow toward my children or in my space, no matter who the perpetrator is?”

They had to insist on good behavior toward themselves and their children, even if that meant challenging the previously rotten family dynamic.  They had to become models of the actions they were preaching to their children.

The first step in creating a bully-free personal space is always for us to rally our spirits; to become strong, brave, determined and persevering.  Endurance endures.  Then we can make effective plans, take skillful steps and get the help we need.

We can begin a little soft, but bullies inevitably force us to become firm.  Sometimes that meant denying the perpetrators access to their children.  Sometimes that means leaving when the bullying starts.  Sometimes that means standing alone and being a scapegoat.  But often, when we insist on good behavior, many members of the family will also step up to the higher standards; they’ve simply been waiting for someone to take the lead.

In all cases, we have to fight the culture we’re embedded in.  Plans have to be developed that fit the specific situations we’re in: are spouses on the same page, how bad is the economic dependence, how far away do we live?

But in all cases, we must hold out to ourselves and our children a better culture, in which people behave with caring, kindness and respect to each other.

We have to overcome our fears that we’ll be alone; fears that in the end, the only people who stand by us are family, so we have to pay the high price it costs to maintain relationships.  However, we’ll discover that by clearing brutality out of our space, we’ll open up space for people we want to be with.

Review the case studies of Carrie, Jean, Doug, Kathy, Jake and Ralph facing different family bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.  Many times, when faced by our firmness, family bullies will give in.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Bullies: Forgiveness Won't Work

My personal and professional experience is that forgiveness doesn’t stop real-world bullies. Most people think forgiveness consists of two things:

1. Some surge of feelings that makes us more kindly disposed toward a person who has injured us, whether intentionally or not.  Words in dictionaries include:

• A thawing or understanding, caring, sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, pardoning, clemency, mercy, kindness and benevolence and
• A letting go of anger, resentment, the desire to punish, vindictiveness and revenge.

1. Putting ourselves back into the same situation with that bully to show that we trust him not to take advantage of us or harm us.

Many people are addicted to those wonderful feelings of forgiveness.  They feel morally superior and spiritually advanced.

Indeed, when our hearts open up, a bridge of good will and good behavior can be created.  The other person may be genuinely sorry for their behavior and won’t do it again.  If possible, amends can be made with a reciprocal flow of open-heartedness.  Subsequent interactions can be founded on charity and caring.

There have even been documented cases in which parents have forgiven the murderer of their child, and the murderer was transformed and spent the rest of his life making amends and teaching others about the bond of caring that can exist between all humans.

Real-world bullies – relentless, narcissistic control-freaks; mean, nasty, emotional manipulators and blackmailers; taunting, harassing, abusive predators – don’t stop because we forgive them.  Indeed, they interpret forgiveness, understanding and caring just like they interpret unconditional love – as signs of weakness and invitations to increase bullying and take advantage of us more.

I think of forgiveness in a totally different way.  When we’ve forgiven someone, they don’t occupy much space in our thoughts and lives.  We simply don’t think about them much.

If we observe people carefully, we can see that we usually get to that place of forgiveness when we’re confident that we’ve met two conditions:

1. We know that we’re protected from that bully; we have the awareness and skill so that we won’t let them harm us again.
2. We also want to see them make amends that require effort and sacrifice.  It’s not enough that they apologize or promise they’ll never do it again.  Talk is cheap; it’s too easy to say, “Sorry” one time.  We want to see acts that make amends over time.

Also, our confidence is not about whether or not the bully has transformed and won’t hurt us again.  We’re simply confident in our own abilities.  Then we can stop obsessing on the incidents of abuse and bullying, and focus on what we want to do in our lives.

Our previous obsession with the pain of bullying was simply motivation, a strong reminder that we don’t want to experience that ever again.  Once we’re sure ourselves, we no longer need to revisit the painful incident to remind us to be prepared.

But how about the idea of putting ourselves back into the same situation again to show forgiveness?  Nonsense.  Although we can see the spirit of goodness within each person, that’s not what we get to deal with in the physical world.  We get to deal with their personality and ego.

Before we trust someone and allow them in our lives, we should observe them in many situations, time after time.  We should observe their behavior, not the reasons, excuses and justifications for their actions.  We should permit them to move closer by small steps.

Personally, if the pain caused by the bully was great, I don’t want them in my life again, no matter how much they want to continue and promise they’ve changed.  We can go our separate ways.  I can observe from a distance and after 20-30 years I might change my mind about interacting.

There are many processes we can use to reach that level of determination and skill.

Why do I take this strong stand?

Because I’ve seen so many sneaky, manipulative, toxic parents who, after a lifetime of battering and spurning their children, get old and want those children to serve them.  The parents now admit they were wrong and insist that the children take them back and cater to their wishes.  The emotional blackmail is, “If you were a truly forgiving person, you’d be understanding and kind, and care for us now.”  But these toxic parents don’t stop bullying their children.  They’re merely narcissistic, control-freaks demanding or blackmailing or using guilt to get what they want.

I’ve seen so many abusive husbands beg their victims for forgiveness, and then after a short period of good behavior, go right back to battering.

Why put yourself in harm’s way?  Let these bullies practice being transformed on other people’s bodies.  Watch them from a distance for 20-30 years to see if they’re sincere and can keep their promises.

But let’s go back and ask, “What if you’ve forgiven the murderer of your child, but the murderer wasn’t transformed by your forgiveness?”  You’ve lost nothing.  The murderer is still behind bars, I hope forever or awaiting the death penalty, and you’re still on the outside.  Nothing will bring your child back so you might as well think only rarely of the murderer and think often of your child and how you want to live now.

Self-forgiveness is akin to this, but it’ll be the subject of another article.

You choose which way of looking at forgiveness you want; which criteria you’ll follow before you forgive.  Which way gives us the kind of life we want: to feel spiritually advanced and get taken advantage of repeatedly or to keep bullies out of our internal and external worlds?

Of course, your plan must fit you, your family and the situation.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.  We can overcome childhood rules that aren’t appropriate to our desire to thrive in the real-world.