Stop Bullies Who Scold, Chastise

Most people think that if they made a mistake, broke the rules, weren’t good at something or did something wrong they deserve what they get.  So they accept being scolded, chastised and browbeaten. This attitude is so common that we have many words and expressions for these put-downs and abuse. For example, admonished, assailed, assaulted, attacked, bashed, bawled out, beaten, berated, blamed, castigated, chewed out, condemned, denigrated, disapproved, disparaged, dressed down, flayed, punished, rebuked, rejected, reprimanded, ridiculed, slammed, straightened out, taken to task, thrashed, told off, tongue-lashing, torn to pieces, upbraided, vilified, whacked.

I used my handy Thesaurus because I want to ask: “Which feels most familiar to you?”  That tells you who you’ve been living with.

Most people allow bullies to bring up incidents forever, whenever the bully feels like attacking them.  After all, victims and oppressors reason, they did wrong; facts are facts.

The real mistake is when we allow ourselves to be bullied, scolded and chastised.

This isn’t about pretending that a mistake wasn’t a mistake or that we were ignorant when we actually could have known better.  Sometimes a fact is a fact.  Sometimes we easily might have known better or done better.  Maybe we weren’t careful enough.  Often there were consequences.

This is about the “so what” if we made a mistake.

There’s a big different between reviewing behavior to see what could have been done better and being scolded or chastised.  There’s a big difference between recognizing our mistakes and determining to do better versus being beaten into submission, verbally or physically, in order to make a point.

You know how it feels when a predator gleefully pounces on you with, “I gotcha.  Now I can beat you.”

Some common examples:

• A bullying husband or wife who always points out every mistake with exasperated sarcasm and scolding – accompanied by attacks on their spouse’s personality and character.  Even if they don’t say the words, you can hear the silent, “You’re so stupid.  You always fail. You’d be nothing if I didn’t straighten you out.  Now I have an excuse for being as lazy, dumb, selfish or narcissistic as I want.”
• Older siblings who correct or tell on the younger ones relentlessly.  And demand fearsome punishment.
• Parents who pick on their children for every mistake, even if the children are too young to have learned the desired behavior.  You can hear the justifications, “I’m only trying to teach them right from wrong.  I want to make sure they remember the lesson.”
• In the workplace, bosses or co-worker know-it-alls gleefully and loudly pointing out every mistake.  Or sneakily stabbing some one in the back by revealing mistakes in confidence.
• Sarcastic, nasty, arrogant false friends who always know better and are better than you.
• Boyfriends or girlfriends who have to be right.

So the first action message is not to allow yourself to be talked to that way.  Period.  Not even “when you deserve it.”  If you catch it early it’s easy to end the relationship.

That method of negative self-talk stimulates self-bullying perfectionism as if, “If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless and deserve to fail and get beaten.”  Allowing yourself to be scolded and chastised increases anxiety, stress and depression, and leads to self-doubt and low self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you allow those nasty, hostile, personal attacks in your space you increase your helplessness and hopelessness.

People who bully this way simply from ignorance and habit can understand rapidly, even though breaking the old habit will take longer.  Allow as many chances as your spirit can take easily, but no more.

People who enjoy the feeling of righteous power rarely change.  You can’t reason, appease or forgive them or love them enough to change them.  The Golden Rule won’t help you.  Vote them off your island before they destroy you.

The second action message is don’t say things that way.

These messages train people to accept bullying and to become bullies.  Don’t train people to respond to messages phrased that way.  Don’t train your children or spouse that they have to be beaten before it’s serious enough for them to change or do better.  Don’t train yourself that you have to be beaten before you’re willing to listen.  Don’t train them that they have to beat you.

Get expert coaching to change these patterns for yourself and others.  Otherwise you create and reinforce an Island in which bullying must occur in order for change to occur.

Stop School Bullies with Anti-Bullying Programs

As reported in separate stories by Yadira Betances and Margo Sullivan in the New Hampshire Eagle Tribune, some middle schools are effectively implementing anti-bullying, anti-abuse programs.  The recent suicides of four teenage girls may stimulate a sense of urgency.  There are some differences in the programs to stop bullies, but both have the seven elements crucial to success. 1. The programs specify what acceptable and not acceptable behavior is General statements about respect and empathy are not enough.  These programs give graphic examples of many forms of harassment, bullying and abuse.  The unacceptable violence ranges from prejudicial put-downs and personally demeaning or mocking comments, to repeated acts of supposedly accidental tripping and shoving, to physical attacks.  The programs point out that bullies may act any where – on the school bus, by the lockers, in the lunchroom, in the playground and in classes.  In successful programs, the specific list of unacceptable behaviors evolves as new incidents arise.

2. Children are taught specifically what to do if they’re bullied or if they see someone being bullied Critical to the programs’ success is that kids stick up for other kids.  The kids always know who the habitual bullies are.  The principal, teachers and staff must also.  Ignorance is not an acceptable excuse.

3. The programs involve everyone School board members speak out against bullying and review and support the programs.  Principals and teachers are involved.  Administrative staff and bus drivers are trained and supported.  The adults set the tone: No bullying allowed.  The adults are proactive, not merely reactive.

Most heartening is the involvement of the students.  Kids lead the way in promoting the programs within their schools and in presenting it to other schools.  Education is on an emotional level that’s age and grade appropriate.  Fifth graders learn differently than seventh graders do.  Most kids are excited to know they’re important participants in the programs and they know they’ll be listened to, supported and protected by the adults.

Parental support is critical; especially a core group of parents dedicated to supporting the principal and teachers.

The programs and policies are public; everyone who works at the schools, every kid and every parent knows what the ground rules are.

4. Consequences are clear and action immediate Programs fail if repeat bullies are allowed to continue bullying during lengthy therapy and education processes.  The first task of the adults is to make the schools safe.  That often involves isolating or removing bullies rapidly.  Rehabilitating or converting habitual bullies takes second place.

5. Administrators, school principals and teachers are courageous Their moments of truth are when they have to face irate and bullying parents who defend their little terrorists by threatening to sue the principal and school for harassment.  That’s like in the Harry Potter series, when Lucius Malfoy protects his vicious son, Draco.

In order to survive those moments, principals need to have good documentation, staff needs to pool written reports and school district administrators need to back the program.  A good lawyer helps make staff’s efforts legal.

Critical to the programs’ success is a vocal group of parents supporting the principal’s actions.

6. Individual training of kids takes place at home Teach children not to bully to get what they want or to make themselves feel better.  Also teach them how to respond successfully to bullies; from learning to use verbal skills to learning how to fight back physically if necessary.  Face it; some bullies won’t stop until you beat them up.  Physical consequences for repeated physical actions are a good lesson for them as they grow up.  A child’s effective self-defense sends a different message to bullies than does any repeated beatings they might have gotten at home.

Successful self-defense also increases a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence, and is good preparation for the world children will face as adults.

7. All steps are done at the same time There is no one cause of bullying – like bad parents or uncaring teachers or cowardly principals or rotten kids – so programs won’t succeed if they focus on only one aspect of the problem.  Successful programs get everyone involved to stop behavior that affects everyone.  They work at the individual level, the classroom level, the school level and the district level.