How can we stop bullies if we're compassionate?

Carl loved his 45 year-old son, Brian, and was overwhelmed with feelings of compassion for his son’s plight.  Brian could never hold a job.  Also, any time Carl or his wife, Vickie, didn’t do exactly what Brian wanted or didn’t give him what he wanted, Brian would throw a fit – he’d yell and scream and curse them, even in front of his own wife and children, or in public.  Many times, Brian would suddenly turn on his own long-suffering wife and children in the same way. How could Carl love his son and have compassion for him, and still protect himself and his wife from Brian’s harassment and bullying?

Everything I say about this family situation is the same I’d say to people trying to have both compassion and protection when dealing with abusive and suffering:

• Parents.
• Friends.
• Extended family.
• Co-workers.
• Drunk drivers.
• Strangers in public places.

The tactics we choose would depend on the specifics of the situation, but our attitude and general direction would be the same.

For decades, Carl had bit his tongue as best he could and had asked Vickie to do the same.  His heart went out to Brian because of his suffering.  Brian’s mother had died when he was 9 years old and two years later Carl had married again.  His new wife, Vickie, had done her best to take care of Brian and she did love the boy.  But no matter how she tried, Brian hated her and made her pay.

Out of compassion for Brian’s struggles, Carl had given Brian hundreds of thousands of dollars and also had bought many things for Brian’s children.  But it never seemed to be enough for Brian.

Brian denied that he needed any help.  He thought he was fine the way he was and he had good reasons every time he exploded.  It was everyone else’s fault that he lost his temper, and they deserved what he said or did to them.

He told Carl clearly that if Carl didn’t do what he wanted and didn’t endure the attacks, Brian wouldn’t allow Carl to see his grandchildren.  There it was; not only attacks but also blackmail.

Carl was stuck.  His compassion didn’t allow him to set any limits.  All he’d allow himself to do was to beg Brian to change.

Separate from the blackmail, Carl suffered from a common misunderstanding about compassion.  He thought compassion meant that he had to give Brian what he wanted and to keep giving and to take the abuse in hope that, someday, his love and forbearance would cause Brian to have an awakening and become a grateful, appreciative, civil and polite person.

Carl also thought that if he acknowledged his anger and dislike of Brian, or really did anything serious, that would mean that he’d given up on his son.  Also, it would be wrong to try to force Brian to do anything against his will.

After coaching, Carl decided that there were two distinct and separate scales he had to operate on in order to protect himself and his wife from Brian, and to preserve their retirement funds that Brian wanted to get his hands on.

On one scale, he could love Brian and have infinite compassion for his suffering, even though it was self induced.  And Tom could always pray for Brian’s spirit to take charge of his life.

On the other scale Carl could see that he had to deal, not with Brian’s spirit, but with Brian’s personality – his weakness, selfishness, arrogance, need, sense of entitlement, anger and narcissism.  Against Brian’s personality, Carl had to protect himself.  Out of compassion, he’d do that calmly, lovingly and clearly.

So what did Carl do?

• He and Vickie decided to tell Brian that they wouldn’t take the abuse any more.  They were going to create an Isle of Song for the rest of their lives.  Good behavior was required from anyone to get on that Isle; blood wouldn’t count.
• They knew they’d said that before, but they’d always given in and had pretended that the bullying had never happened.  They knew also that Brian counted on that.
• The next time Brian exploded at them in front of his 11 and 13 year-old children, Carl said publically that they weren’t going to put up with that behavior any more.  They weren’t going to see Brian.  They’d love to see the kids but Brian probably wouldn’t allow that.  They wanted the kids to know who was responsible for the breach.
• Carl told Brian they were taking a break from involvement with him for at least six months.  He’d have to make it on is own.  After then, if he wanted to resume contact he’d have to call and apologize and promise never to act that way again.  He’d especially have to apologize to Vickie.  Carl was going to protect his wife against all comers, even his son.
• Even after that time, they were going to continue to withhold money because they wanted interactions to be based on fun, not need or greed.

This time Carl and Vickie kept to their bargain with each other.  They said they were able to stay on track because they still allowed themselves to feel compassion toward Brian, and especially his wife and kids, but they weren’t going to rescue Brian from the effects of his behavior.  Also, they saw that the most compassionate thing they could do for Brian was to demand good behavior and maintain their boundaries.  Their new vision would determine what they did, not some old, out-of-date feelings and assumptions.

My experience has been that the Brian’s of the world never learn by being coddled.  The only chance they have to learn is by being kicked out of the nest and letting the world, not their parents, teach them the natural consequences of their obnoxious behavior.  That doesn’t always work, but it’s the only chance.

Some other situations are examined in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”

Stop Bullies Who Demand their Way

I was at a wedding and a funeral last week.  Really; not a movie.  And the people were fine. But I was reminded of all the times I’ve been at big family events when some selfish, narcissistic, abusive, controlling, bullying family member demanded that they get their way or they’d make a scene, make everyone miserable and ruin either the celebration festivities or the solemnity.  They knew what was best and we’d better do it.

Think of the relatives at all the special occasions – weddings, funerals, births, vacations and holidays.  The relatives who get drunk and insist they be allowed to ruin the event; the arrogant jerks who think they own all the attention and air in the place; the nasty, greedy; jealous, vicious-tongued vindictive; the narcissistic, smug, righteous know-it-alls.

Think of the people who take over all the events because they want to.  Whatever supposedly logical reasons, excuses and justifications they offer each time, I notice the pattern.

Even though they’re not the important person at the event, they always have to get their way or else.  They’re not the bride or groom, they’re not giving birth, they’re not graduating, they’re not getting baptized, confirmed or bar mitzvah-ed; they’re not the host or planner; they’re not the person dying.  They’re not even the turkey on the table, although I sometimes entertain fantasies of having a sharp carving knife in my hand.

Did I cover all the bases of your experience also or do you have a few other ones?

These bullies always think they’re right.  And they’re willing to argue and fight longer, harder and louder to get their way, than anyone else, especially over what we think is trivial and a waste of time.  And they let you know that they’ll retaliate and make us regret resisting them for the rest of our lives.  They’ll bad-mouth, criticize and put us down in front of everyone forever.  And the scene is our fault, not theirs.  They want us the walk on egg shells around them.

So what can we do?

1. Typically, we find reasons to turn the other cheek. We try to rise above, ignore, look away, appease, understand, excuse because that’s just the way they are or tolerate them for the duration of the event.  Typically we give them what they want because we don’t want to be judgmental or we’re too polite to make a scene or we think that if we follow the Golden Rule, they’ll be nice in return.  I think that tactic is good to try but only once.  Anyone can have one bad day and try to feel better by taking control.  But real bullies and boundary pushers simply take our giving them their way as permission to act more demanding.  As if they think they’re powerful and everyone is too weak to resist them.  Like sharks to bloody prey, they go for more.  And it’s always the people who can’t or won’t protect themselves – the weaker, younger, more polite, more bereft ones – who suffer the most when we leave them unprotected.
2. Instead, be a witness, not a bystander. Recognize that we’re being bullied and abused.  Be willing to get out of our comfort zones to take care of the important people.  The first time the person bullies, we can take them aside and tell them privately, in very polite and firm words, to “shut up.”  But these control-freaks have demanded their ways for years so we know what’s going to happen.  Ignore their specific reasons, excuses and justifications.  Typically, we give them power because we fell sorry for them, we’re too polite to make a scene and, after all, they’re family.  We give them power because they’re more willing to make a scene and act hurt and angry, and walk away.  We give them power because they’re willing to destroy the family if they don’t get their way, but we’re not.  Take back our power.  Be willing to make a scene; to disagree, threaten or throw someone out.  Find allies beforehand and stand shoulder to shoulder.  We may not change their behavior, but that’s the only way we have a chance of enjoying the events.

For some success stories, see the studies of Carrie and Kathy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Although I usually think of the older generation of “demanders,” but let’s not forget the spoiled brats encouraged by their indulgent or defeated parents to demand all the toys, bully the other kids and violate all the rules.  Or the surly teenagers, the toxic adult children, the bullying spouses or self-centered friends.  Or the oafs and abusers of power at work.

Don’t be bullied.  We need an expert coach to help us design plans that fit our specific situations. Be brave.  Step up and be the hero of your life.

Are You Defeated by Defeat?

What do you do after you’ve been hit hard and knocked down by life?  What do you do after your dreams have been shattered?  What do you do after you’ve been rejected or lost everything?  What do you do when you’ve been defeated?  What do you do when you realize you chose an abusive bully and you don’t know how to protect your kids?  The wisdom of the ages, from all traditions and cultures, gives the same answer, even if the reasons are very different. In “The Ghost and the Darkness,” Val Kilmer plays a British engineer trying to build a bridge across a river in Africa.  Two lions, accurately named “The Ghost” and “The Darkness” begin stalking and killing the men building the bridge.  The lions outsmart every attempt to trap and kill them.

Finally, Val Kilmer develops a brilliant plan to trap one of the lions in a railroad car.  They do trap the lion but he escapes, burning down the car.  Kilmer is devastated and defeated.

The killings mount until the workers start leaving.  They hire a skilled hunter, Michael Douglas, who is also caustic and sarcastic.  At the climax to the first half of the movie, when the hunter sees Kilmer’s dejection and hears of Kilmer’s failed plan, he says, “There’s an old saying in boxing, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get hit and knocked down.  Then the plan goes out the window.  What matters is what you do after you’ve been hit and knocked down.  Do you stay down or do you get up and fight again?’”

There it is.  Kilmer faces his plans in ashes and his life as a failure because the men will leave, the bridge will be abandoned and he’ll never get another job.

The tension comes to a head when Douglas has a plan but the lions outsmart him and kill all the wounded men in the hospital.  Douglas, the great hunter, is devastated and defeated.  In total, the lions killed over a hundred men.

Kilmer says to him, “There’s an old saying in boxing, ‘Everyone has a plan until they get hit and knocked down.  Then the plan goes out the window.  What matters is what you do after you’ve been hit and knocked down.  Do you stay down or do you get up and fight again?’”

There it is; the point of the movie; the point for all of us in the real world.  Will we be defeated by defeat, will we give up when we’re back to square-one, will we give up when life is unfair or too destructive for us or will we get up and fight again, build again?

We, who don’t face killer lions everyday, still do face risk and disaster everyday by:

• Human agency – we get fired, we put our savings down on the wrong stock, we give our retirement money to the wrong Ponzi scheme, some maniac or drunk driver kills people we love, some crazy person kills us and 10 others at work, we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time when a riot, revolution or war breaks out, our parents are toxic, our grown children won’t let us see our grandchildren or our spouse is negative, harassing, bullying and destroying our kids’ self-esteem and confidence, and running away means being broke.
• Natural forces – tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, prolonged drought or flood.

Even the smaller failures growing up can seem like disaster – we fail a test or a course, we’re rejected or dumped by someone gorgeous or handsome, our secrets are spread over school or the internet, we don’t make a team we’d hoped for or counted on, we don’t get into the school of our choice, our parents don’t or can’t give us the latest stuff, the cool kids scorn us, we do something really embarrassing. Our children face the same questions repeatedly: Will we be defeated by defeat; will we give up when we’re back to square-one; will we give up when life is unfair or too destructive for us or will we get up and fight again, build again?

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” Eleanor Roosevelt.

As adults, our job is to:

• Teach kids to get up and fight and build again, no matter what happens, no matter how unfair, no matter how devastating.  Remember the sign on the bridge to Terabithia, “Nothing Crushes Us.”
• Be models of great-hearted human beings who are not defeated by defeat; who don’t give in to depression and discouragement; but instead, who get up and fight and build again.  Our job is to be models of courage, strength and resilience in the face of whatever life holds for us.  Our job is to be models in the hope that our children will be inspired to be as great-hearted.

Notice, I ignored whether Douglas and Kilmer finally kill the lions.  Yes that’s important to building the bridge and to the material parts of their lives.  But that’s not important to the human spirits of Kilmer and Douglas being great because they’re undefeated by defeat; to them having the indomitable will to continue, no matter the obstacles and not knowing whether they’ll succeed.  Okay; the factual resolution is that the Ghost and the Darkness are now preserved in the Field Museum in Chicago – and they did kill that many people.

“Strength comes not from physical capacity.   It comes from indomitable will,” Gandhi.

Notice, I also ignored the historical implications of colonialism.  Of course, that’s there, but that’s not the main point for my life.

The point is to use the movie to stimulate in me the greatest that I can be.  There are thousands of heroes and heroines, real and fictional, who can remind us to get up off the floor when life has knocked us down.  The point is to use everything I see and hear to inspire me to choose whether to live a selfish, shabby, sordid story or a great and worthy story; to chose to be the hero of my life.

“Glory is not in never having been knocked down.  Glory is in rising up again, each time you are knocked down,” Vince Lombardi.

Federal Anti-Cyber Bullying Laws Needed to Stop Harassment, Bullying and Abuse

According to the Wall Street Journal article, “CyberBullying Report Opposes Regulation,” a recent report on cyberbullying suggests that, unlike other Internet scares, this one is well-founded, but it questions some of the regulatory efforts that are gathering steam.  “The report, by the Progress & Freedom Foundation, a right-leaning Washington think tank that focuses on technology public policy, says that data from child-safety researchers” indicate that much of the furor is overblown. I disagree strongly: The furor is not overblown and we do need Federal laws to stop cyber bullying, harassment and abuse.

The right-leaning think tank’s objections to new anti-cyber bullying laws are that:

• Worries over online predators are overblown because one study of arrests from 2000 to 2006 showed that most of the offenders approached undercover investigators, not kids.  I’m glad the offenders approached undercover investigators.  But that’s no reason not to have laws.  Between 2006 and now, offenders have gotten smarter.  And, of course we want laws so we can protect the kids who are approached.
• They estimate that threats due to peer-to-peer bullying are more serious than those due to cyber bullying.  Even if that’s true, that’s no reason to abandon kids who are targets of cyber bullying, harassment and abuse.  As shown by the case of Lori Drew, without Federal laws, cyber bullies can’t be prosecuted effectively.  The Judge acquitted this adult even though she set up the MySpace site that was used to harass and abuse teenager Megan Meier until she committed suicide.
• Laws pose “thorny issues” that are entwined with free speech.  Again, that’s no reason not to enter the thicket.  That simply lets us know that the laws will have gray areas and both the law and the interpretations will be continuously evolving as hardened criminals find loopholes.  Laws encourage angry, potentially vindictive people to think twice before doing anything impulsive and rash.
• Laws would make statements that defame, embarrass, harm, abuse, threaten, slander or harass third parties illegal online, even though such statements would be allowed if said on a playground.  That’s not a problem; that’s an obvious benefit.  That acknowledges the truism that statements made in a local context or face-to face usually have very different consequences than hostility put out to the whole world on the internet, especially if the statements are anonymous or made through the safety of false identities.
• We can solve the problem best through better education.  Nonsense.  Of course, education and vigorous stop-bullies programs are very helpful, but they’re not enough.  Education alone does not yield the most benefits.  Education, anti-bullying programs and enforced laws all together yield the most benefits.
• Teaching people to behave civilly online is no different than teaching children to use proper table manners, to cover their mouths when they sneeze or to say, “thank you.”  That’s also nonsense.  If an adult is a slob at home, no one else is harmed.  If someone gets drunk and disruptive at a restaurant, a movie theater or a ball game, they can be asked to leave or ejected or arrested.  The harm caused by eating with the wrong fork or not saying “please” or “thank you” is minor compared to the harm that can be caused by cyber bullying, harassment or abuse.  Ask the families of Megan Meier or Jessica Logan, both of whom committed suicide after they were made the targets of cyber bullying.  Ask the families of the thousands we don’t hear about them in the media.  They suffer, helpless to stop their abusers, but valiantly and quietly to struggle through life.

Online attacks are becoming an epidemic.  Some sites even specialize as forums for anonymous bashing and attacks.

Laws are made to state the standards to which we aspire and to diminish people’s ability to harm others as much as possible.  Laws may be imperfect and enforcement may be difficult and spotty, but that’s better than nothing.  I’d rather have anti-bullying laws that protect kids 90% of the time and have difficulties 10% of the time, than have no laws to stop cyber bullying and leave kids vulnerable 100% of the time.

Our laws and even our system of checks and balances are founded on our understanding that no matter how much education people have, they will often seek power and revenge.  They won’t always be good and sweet and kind.  If given the chance, people will be mean, nasty and vicious to others, especially if they can act anonymously or the target can’t fight back effectively.

We must rise to the challenge posed by new technology and keep evolving laws and enforcing them the best we can.  We must stop cyber bullying.

Eric Harris, Dylan Klebolt, Columbine and Jackie Robinson

In the space of five days, we honor Jackie Robinson’s finally breaking into the major leagues by having every baseball player wear his number and we also memorialize Eric Harris and Dylan Klebolt’s massacre at Columbine High School ten years ago.  Looking at the similarities and differences between the three people is instructive. They each faced a failed system – but in opposite directions – and they illustrate character and courage – but at opposite ends of the spectrum.

The Rotten Systems Jackie Robinson was 28 when he was first allowed to play in the major leagues.  Think of what his records would have been had he not lost about 6 of his best years.  The stories about what was done and said to him fill volumes.  For starters, he couldn’t get a cab to Ebbets field on April 15, 1947 because he was black.  Some of his teammates were so racist that they wouldn’t play on the same team with him.  He couldn’t stay in many of the same hotels or eat in many of the same restaurants as the rest of the team, even after his fabulous rookie season.  Players on other teams threw balls at his head and spiked him on the base paths.  His and his family’s lives were continually threatened.

I grew up in Brooklyn and was old enough to go to Ebbets Field to see Robinson play in his second year.  The insults, curses and threats from the players and fans were still going on.  It was my personal introduction to racism.

The system that kept Robinson out of baseball and harassed him for years was rotten – full of anger, hatred and the very real possibility of killing him and his family.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebolt faced a rotten system on the other extreme.  They were allowed to act out and show the world what they meant to do, but instead of being removed from contact with other students who were their victims, the two were coddled.

Part of what made their shooting spree so horrible for many people not directly connected with the slain students and teacher, was that it showed a generation that their basic assumption about rehabilitating even the most psychopathic-psychotic teenagers were wrong and could have terrible consequences for their own children.  The assumption was that if you kept extremely troubled kids in contact with the rest of us and gave them lots of counseling and even more chances, the troubled kids would stop being crazy bullies and would become nice people and good citizens.

Previously, kids like Harris and Klebolt would have been called juvenile delinquents and removed in order to protect the rest of us.  Of course, a few of those were removed unjustly and could have been rehabilitated if treated differently.  So we swung the pendulum all the way to the side of ignoring the signs, keeping the juvenile delinquents with the rest of us and hoping for the best.  Harris and Klebolt showed a generation what the price was for living that false educational philosophy; each one of those psychopaths could kill about ten innocent people.

That coddling attitude is very much like letting drunk drivers continue driving.  You don’t know who the next victims will be, but you know there is a very high percentage that there will be next victims.

We still haven’t righted the pendulum.  Maybe that will take a kind of well-publicized, civil rights movement or maybe just the eventual dying off of the generation that espoused such weird ideas supported by spurious educational research.  Thousands of innocent kids are bullied and harassed at school each day while society, the legal system and school principals don’t stop the bullying juvenile delinquents, psychopaths and psychotics.

Character and Courage Jackie Robinson had the character and courage to endure and surmount far worse than the bullying that is claimed to have pushed Harris and Klebolt over the edge.  Robinson kept his promise to himself and to Branch Rickey, Brooklyn Dodgers’ President, to hold himself in check until he had proven his quality as a baseball player.  He endured in order to make a point for his race.  He endured when most of us, with less character and courage, would either have given up or exploded.

Neither Harris nor Klebolt had character or courage.  Bullying didn’t push them over the edge.  They ran willingly and repeatedly right to the edge and then jumped off.  None of the adults stopped them or removed them.

When will we swing the pendulum back to the middle and start protecting the rest of us from the bullies and crazies?