Leaders Who Ignore the Human Element Will Fail

To be a successful administrator, basic operational savvy is necessary.  But to be a successful leader, you must also master human savvy. For example, Joe worked his way up through the financial ranks and had mastered three of the major skills of internal operational savvy:

• Setting high performance standards.
• Project management.
• Financial soundness.

Joe’s teams met their goals within budget and deadlines.

But Joe was always passed over for promotions to leadership.  Why?  Basic operational savvy isn’t enough to make leaders even partially successful.

To read the rest of this article from the Memphis Business Journal, see: Leaders who ignore the human element will fail http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/stories/2007/10/01/smallb4.html

When I explained to Joe that he was missing the human savvy I’ll describe below, he said he couldn’t change.  He had strength of character and responded successfully to the ups and downs, and the challenges of business.  But he said he was an introvert.  He could achieve high performance in operational areas but it wasn’t his personality to excel in people areas.

Joe’s response is nonsense.  He doesn’t need to become an extrovert or develop the personality of an archetypal used-car salesman.  But if he wants to advance his career, he does need to master his innate human savvy—the universal human attributes for empathy and sympathy, for knowing what makes people tick, and for transmitting and enhancing passion and dedication.

Joe’s progress was halting when he was simply memorizing lists of how-to’s.  But his learning took off when he modeled himself after the subject of one of the best leadership books, “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln,” by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Joe saw himself as having a personality similar to Lincoln: a melancholy introvert who could come out of his shell to make human contact.  Lincoln’s human savvy was a crucial component of his success.  Joe resolved, “If Lincoln could do it, so can I.”  Joe drove himself to use Lincoln as his guide and to learn what Lincoln learned.

One of the important personal skills Joe learned was critical listening.  Instead of listening only to the dictionary definitions of words, he trained himself to hear “the message behind the message.”

That essential information taught him what concerns other people have and what they really want.  Joe used what he learned in order to connect with his team on an emotional level, so he could help them dedicate to their mission.

Lincoln said that the most important task of a leader, once he has finally decided on a course of action, is to educate people so they are inspired to proceed on that course.  Lincoln used insightful comparisons and memorable stories to transfuse people with his vision, dedication and perseverance.  Joe realized that appropriate stories have an emotional impact greater than the effects of logical arguments.

Like Lincoln did, Joe can now tell memorable stories of his team’s effort and progress.  His staff is now enthused to achieve team and personal goals in the face of challenges that demand their best.

Joe also sets high behavioral standards and holds his staff accountable for behavior that reflects good attitudes.  He’s stopped bullies and even had some success getting difficult messages across to abusive, toxic staff.  His best workers are happier now that he’s weeded out the slackers and bad apples.

Now his superiors say:

• “Joe seems to guess what the next steps are, even when I haven’t said them.”
• “He’s a good confidant. I can count on him to rally the rest of my leadership team and to see that his people are on top of what’s truly essential.”
• “He’s a go-getter.  He’s stopped bullying, manipulation, negativity and meeting sabotage in his new department.   He can inspire people to overcome change and adversity, as well as to keep innovating when times are good.”

Many people teach basic operational savvy as if it’s all that’s necessary for leadership success.  But good administrators aren’t necessarily good leaders.  Basic operational savvy is necessary, but it’s not enough. Leadership success is more all or none.  You can succeed only if you master human savvy.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to:

• Master the human element.
• Eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Vote Selfish, Narcissistic, Insensitive People off Your Isle of Song

Sometimes things are very clear and straightforward even though carrying them out may be difficult.  But that’s a lot better than not being clear. Rabindranath Tagore, Nobel Prize winning poet, said, “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.”  This vision provides clarity about the direction we want our lives – situation after situation. But the process varies with the specifics of our individual situations.

We can begin by protecting the ecology of our Isle of Song.  Just as we wouldn’t allow toxic dumpers, we won’t allow people to trash our Isle in any way.

Therefore, we clear the bullies from our lives and we create space for the right people to come in.  The reality shows also say the same thing, although not so poetically.  “Vote selfish, narcissistic, insensitive, nasty, abusive people off your island.”

Who do we allow on our Isle? People we want close to us and who behave the way we need.

Who do we vote off our Isle? Remove anyone who won’t behave according to our standards.  I don’t mean only bullying spouses.  Our lives become much better when we use this general rule in all situations – with our toxic parents, relatives, adult children, friends, co-workers, bosses.

Physical violence is obvious, so our response is usually emphatic; “Go away!”  But the more covert, manipulative, sneaky, control-freaks are harder to detect.  Nevertheless, the same rule applies.  Test people’s behavior.  If they don’t stop bullying, vote them off our Isle.  Good behavior counts more than bad blood.

Covert, stealthy bullies always try to ram their agendas down our throats – with a smile, a laugh, a good excuse.  They say, “I know better, I’m right, I’m justified.”  Don’t pay much attention to the specifics of each excuse.  Instead, watch for the pattern of who they think is in charge and who casts the determining vote.  If they always want control, we know what we’re up against and we know we must vote them off our Isle.  Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t stop them.

They aren’t friends or even acquaintances, although we can be polite and firm while we’re setting our boundaries.

But what can we do about bad blood if we still feel the need to see those people sometimes? One couple I coached created a wonderful image.  They needed to protect both the physical and the emotional ecology of their Isle from a very toxic adult daughter.  In non-technical terms, the daughter was “crazy.”

She could be sweet one moment, but the next, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and throw an explosive, attacking, vicious temper tantrum.  She’d loudly curse and blame her parents for how bad she felt or what had happened to her.  It was all their fault, she’d yell, because they wouldn’t do exactly what she wanted them to do, every moment, even if her feelings or what she wanted changed in an instant.  In her rage, she’d even try to hit them.

The parents couldn’t trust their daughter.  Actually, they could trust that almost every time they saw her, the daughter would repeat a life-long pattern without warning or provocation.

The parents felt that they had to protect themselves and their much younger children from the older daughter, but they still felt bound to see the “crazy” daughter sometimes.

The image that worked for them was to imagine a long boardwalk from their Isle of Song leading out to a McDonald’s surrounded by a huge barbed-wire fence.  They could tolerate meeting her out there to have a burger once every three-four months.  But at the first signs of a blow up, they’d leave the McDonald’s, close the gate and their crazy daughter was stuck out there.  She could never get to their Isle and trash it with her emotional garbage.  And they’d never allow her to move back home.

That way, the parents could satisfy both values of seeing their daughter and of protecting the rest of the family.  They removed the interaction from their Isle both physically and emotionally.  That solution fit them.

We may be targets but we’re not victims! There are many situations in which we can fairly easily vote someone off our Isle and never interact with them again.  First dates are a good example.

There are also many situations in which we feel stuck by circumstances and choose to use the long boardwalk method to protect our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  We decide to interact with the bullies physically once in a while but we’ll protect ourselves.  We’ll always have a way home that we control.

Also, we’ll maintain an emotional distance.  We won’t take what they say or do personally.  We may be unable to stop them from trashing the ocean far away or trashing their own Isle, but we won’t let them trash our emotional Isle.

Some of these situations might be when we decide to care for bullying, nasty elderly relatives or we choose to continue trying to straighten out a child who isn’t old enough to throw out or we accept a rotten boss in a job we can’t or don’t want to leave or we choose to keep living next to jerk-y neighbors or our child may stay in a school that has a special program even though the officials tolerate bullying.

Again, it’s our choice depending on the circumstance and what we want to do.

The key step in these situations is internal: to keep a spark alive in our hearts.  We know that we’re choosing to endure the pollution and noise for a finite time, but that in the end, we’ll get free and vote those people off our Isles of Song.

We can’t allow the worst of ourselves to trash our own Isle. That image can make clear the next steps in our personal development.

We live up to the standards required for anyone to be allowed to stay on our Isle. We develop strength, courage, determination, perseverance – grit.  We vote the selfish, narcissistic, insensitive parts of us off our Isle until those parts develop better ways of getting the wonderful things and feelings we want in our lives.  We become worthy of our own Isle.

Often that requires expert coaching to replace old, out-dated beliefs, attitudes, feelings and habits with new ones appropriate to our Isle.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can learn to command ourselves.  We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.

To Increase Confidence and Self-Esteem: Test the World, Not Yourself

We grow up testing ourselves; “Are we good enough?  If not it’s our fault.  Did we succeed; we still could have done more.  Did we fail; it’s our fault.”  Testing ourselves is a motivation strategy, “Figure out what’s wrong with us and improve it.”  And behind it is the hidden message, “We’re defective and we’d better work at improving and perfecting ourselves every minute or no one will want us and we’ll fail.” The strategy may work for us when we’re children, but it’s self-defeating when we’re adults.

We do grow up; we do get free of our families; we do get jobs, lovers, our own children.  That seems to prove that the self-testing strategy works.  Since we’re obviously still a long way from being good enough, so we’d better keep questioning ourselves in order to improve.

However, when we become adults, the strategy of always testing ourselves, always finding fault with ourselves guarantees failure.  It stimulates guilt, shame, anxiety, sleepless nights and negative self-talk.  And it destroys self-confidence and self-esteem.  It’s self-destructive, self-bullying.

For evidence, we can look back at our failed relationships.

Think of the times we went with someone when we knew it wasn’t going to work because we had to give up what we wanted, we had to change in order to make another person happy.  We kept asking, “Are we good enough to be liked, to be wanted, to be loved?”  But that didn’t last.

The message of the self-testing strategy is that if only we’d tried hard enough, we could have changed enough to make the relationship work the way the other person wanted.  Then we feel more guilty, more unworthy and we think we have to work harder to change our bad characteristics or personality.

And if we can’t change a pattern, that means we have a great and permanent defect, an evil place inside of us, maybe too much ego, and we’re doomed to fail forever.  And that feeds a vicious cycle:

• Low self-confidence and low self-esteem --> so we give up ourselves even more --> we pick the wrong people and try to please them by doing what they want --> we fail once again and feel even worse --> our self-confidence and low self-esteem plummets -->…

In addition to failed loves, the same pattern exists for many failed friendships we tried to maintain with the wrong people.

So what can we do to find love and relationships that fit?

Instead of testing ourselves, we can test the world.

1. Act like we are and set high standards for behavior we want. We’re reasonably good, nice, decent people.  Therefore, in addition to participating in the other person’s activities, ask the other person to participate in ours.  Don’t justify our standards.  Be behaviorally specific.  Ask for more than vague words like “kindness, respect, appreciation, love.”  Simply say, “No yelling, no hitting, no threatening, no relentless sarcastic blaming, no controlling, no public humiliating, no demanding perfectionism.  Instead, speak softly, negotiate about what we do, give in and do what I want sometimes for no reason, keep disagreements private and my sense of humor counts.”  We can fill in the rest of our lists from what we got or didn’t get in previous relationships.
2. To increase confidence and self-esteem, test the other person. If they act the way we want, they can come a step closer.  If they don’t, we move them a step further away.  If they’re relentless boundary pushers or they violate one of the big boundary lines, “one strike and they’re out.”  Notice who has control of the distance; we do.
3. “Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts.” Rabindranath Tagore said that decades ago.  I agree.  We were told that if we insist on our high standards and what we want, we’ll end up alone.  “The only way to get someone is to lower your standards.”  Nonsense.  Of course, in all relationships we make agreements and we don’t always get our way, but we must not lower our important standards.

Now that we’re adults, now that we’ve been in and out of relationships in which we gave up our true selves, we’ve learned that we’ll never get the love we want if we fill our space with inappropriate, abusive bullies.  We’ll never get what we need if we give up on ourselves.  We’ll only get what we need, we’ll only find someone who loves us for ourselves if we act like ourselves and test the other person to see if they like that.

Of course the other person has free will also.  They can stay or leave if they want.  But if they leave because they don’t want to live up to our standards or they think we’re incompatible, we have to get over the emotional pain and be thankful that our isle is clear for someone else who wants to be with us as we are.

Only one of many examples: A homely, awkward girl with a wonderful personality and spirit.  Of course, during high school and college she was rejected by all the boys who were looking for cheerleaders.  As much as she wanted to be wanted, she knew in her heart that she didn’t want jerks like that and she wasn’t going to abandon herself in order to please one. Then she met someone who was worthy of what she wanted.  And wonder of wonders, he was hot for her, body and soul.  They’re still enthralled with each others’ unique greatness and with their fit with each other.

How can we improve if we’re not always testing ourselves?  It’s simple, although not necessarily easy.  We know when we haven’t lived up to our standards, when we’ve done or not done something we should have.  We don’t have to beat ourselves up in order to apologize, make amends and do better next time.  We simply dedicate ourselves to that task.

So we mustn’t give up on ourselves.  Test other people; some will stay and some will leave of their own accord. The real power is in our making our choice; who do we want to send away and who do we want to keep on our isle of song?  Only then will it truly be our isle and our song.

If you need personalized coaching to maintain your strength and courage, your determination and dedication, call me at 303-458-6616.

During Divorce: Six Things to Tell Kids

During the typical arguing and fighting leading up to deciding to divorce and during the divorce process itself, what should and shouldn’t you tell the kids?  When you think there’s still a chance to salvage the marriage, should you tell them nothing is wrong so they don’t worry?  Should you re-assure them that you and your spouse will be together forever?  In a nasty divorce, should you tell them what a rat your soon-to-be ex-spouse really is?  How can you protect the kids from being scarred and totally messed up later? Whatever you decide, you must deal with each child and situation as unique and design your answer to deal with each child’s questions in an age appropriate way.  And keep adjusting as they grow older.

Think of the process as your needing to peel layers off the children’s concerns.  One concern will lead to another or maybe you’ll return to a previous one.  Saying something one time will not be enough.  You’ll have to return to some issues, depending on the individual, many times.  But don’t make a problem where the child isn’t.

You’ll think very differently if the divorce is amicable or if it’s a nasty, vicious, vindictive power-struggle to the death.  In one case, you’ll probably say “We” a lot while in the other you’ll probably say “I” a lot,.

If it’s an ugly situation, don’t pretend that your ex is perfect.  Be truthful and distinguish between what behavior the kids can count on and what’s just your opinion.  Always ask them to check things out for themselves; like little scientists.  Help them think of reasonable tests; who keeps promises, who’s on time, who are they afraid of, who can they rely on, who blames, shames and guilt-trips?

Some guidelines, not rigid rules:

1. Don’t allow the “Big Lie.” When the children sense that there’s frustration and tension that sometimes boils over into anger, bullying, abuse or violence don’t deny their kid-radar.  Don’t tell them everything’s fine and that they’re wrong.  The most important verification they need is that they’re sensing and seeing reality.  They must know that there is trouble and that they can sense it.  For example, “Yes, you’re very smart, you can sense what’s going on and your radar is accurate.  That skill will help you the rest of your life.  Sometimes, I don’t tell you what’s happening or why, because I want to keep it private or maybe you’re too young to understand yet or I don’t want to upset you unduly.  But I want you to ask me if you worry about anything.”
2. The most important assurance they need is that they can be fine. For example, “I know this can be scary and hard and you’ll have lots of questions.  Over time, I’ll answer them as best I can as we work out our new living arrangements.  But the most important thing is that you dedicate yourselves to having great lives.  Never let anything get in the way of that.  No matter how scared or upset you might get, overcome it.  Make sure that you’ll look back on this tough time as just a speed bump in your lives.  Make sure that you’re not bothered much by it.  Your parents’ fights have nothing to do with you.  You’re not the cause of them.  You’re fine.  We just don’t get along.  Your job is to grow up and get independent and find someone you will get along with.  And that this tough time isn’t a big deal in your life.”
3. Help them overcome uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, fear and panic. Assure them that you’ll always care for them and take care of them, in whatever way you can.  For example, “We’ll figure out how to be together and be safe and have good times.  I’ll always see that you have the things and the opportunities you really need.  It’s always hard when we’re in a transition or in limbo waiting to see what will happen and you don’t have control.  Your job is to focus on what’s most important for you right now and that’s not the emotional turmoil you’re living in.  The turmoil isn’t your doing.  Your job is to take charge of what you have control over; your moods and attitudes and efforts, which means school.  Make this turmoil as small and colorless in your life as you can.  Don’t step into it; stay outside of it.  This is good training for you in mental and emotional-control.  These are the number one skills you need to learn in order to be successful later in life.”
4. Help them deal with mean, nasty kids who taunt, harass or cut them out. For example, begin with developing their inner strength, “Not having as much money as we did or having some other kids act mean because your parents are divorcing is not really important.  You can be invulnerable.  You may feel like you need to be liked or be friends with those kids now, but when you’re out of school, with 70 years of life ahead of you, you won’t care what those kids think.  You won’t want to be friends with those kids.  More important, you’ll see that they’re acting like jerks and you’ll decide never to care what jerks think.  You’ll have the freedom to go anywhere and be with anyone so, of course, you’ll choose to be with people who love and like you, appreciate and respect you, and who treat you better.”  Follow up by making sure the school principal stops this bullying.
5. Some other questions they might have are: Are all marriages doomed, will I choose the wrong person just like you did, will we kids be split up, can I stay at the same school, will my other parent move far away so I never see them again, whose fault is it, do I have to take sides, will I still have grandparents, will I still get birthday and Christmas presents, can I use guilt or my temper tantrums to manipulate you, will I still have to brush my teeth?  Don’t give into them or give them everything they want because you feel guilty, want them to like you more or think their lives are too hard.
6. Don’t use your kids as your best friends, confidants or therapists. Don’t use them to comfort yourself or as pawns in a vicious struggle.  They’re your kids; they’re not adults or lovers.  Take your emotional pain and baggage somewhere else.  You have to be a responsible adult, no matter how difficult that is.  If you can’t, you should consider making safer arrangements for them.  For example, “This is too painful for me to talk about.  Sometimes I get tired and stressed out, and I blow up or lose it.  I don’t mean to.  When I’m like that, don’t take anything I say seriously.  Suggest that I need a time out.   Your job, children, is to look away and focus on your own tasks so you can have great lives as you grow up.  No matter how hard it is, you have to focus on school and getting skills so you can take care of yourselves when you’re adults.  That’s what’s important.  Your future is what’s most important to me.”

The big message is about the wonderful future they can have.  The big message is that they can/should/must decide to let this roll off their backs.  Even though it’s happening to them, they can be resilient. They can move beyond it and create wonderful lives for themselves.

We adults make a mistake if we worry that when bad things happen, the children are automatically guaranteed to have huge problems later in life.  Looking at them as too fragile and helpless to resist the effects of a difficulty, divorce or trauma is like giving them a terrible thought virus.  It’s easy for them to catch that virus.

Actually, our responsibility is to protect them from that too common virus.  For example, they might tend to worry that since a classmate is so traumatized because their parents are divorcing they’ll be messed up also.  You might say, “No.  You’re strong and wise and brave and you have me to keep reminding you that you’ll be fine.  Stop bullying yourself.  Take power over yourself.  So choose to be fine; dedicate and discipline yourself.  Choose to be successful, no matter what.  That’s my wish for you.”

Tell them stories about ancestors or great people who overcame the same or even worse situations in childhood.  For example, “Don’t be victims of what happens to you.  Be one of the ‘Invulnerables.’  Did you know that a study of 400 great people born in the 19th and early 20th centuries found that most of these people had absolutely horrible childhoods?  Yet they were not destroyed by what had happened; they were invulnerable.  They became much stronger.  They had great lives – including wonderful marriages.  You too, my beloved children, can choose that path for yourselves.  Please do.”

Since all tactics are situational, you’ll need expert coaching rather than just guidelines.  We’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” have many examples of kids growing up under very difficult situations and learning to take command of themselves.  For personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

What You Owe Toxic Parents

A lot of feedback about stopping bullying by toxic parents focused on what children owe those abusive parents.  After all, even though they harassed, abused and tormented their children, those parents still fed, clothed and housed them. Many of those parents now claim that a debt is owed them.  No matter how bad they were and still are, they claim their children owe them care, sympathy and loyalty.  And usually willingness to be continually abused.

I disagree.

To illustrate my point of view, here’s a story told to me repeatedly by my father.  He said it was a traditional story.  I call it “The Mother and the Three Baby Birds.”  It appeared in a wonderful collection of stories annotated Steve Andreas, published by Real People Press, “Is there life after birth?”

~~~~~~~~~~~ At the time of the great flood, when the storm had just begun and the earth was beginning to be covered with water, a mother bird saw the danger.  She realized that her three babies were no longer safe in their nest at the top of a high tree.  Even if she remained with them, they would be swept away and drowned.  So she picked up the first baby and started to fly through the storm, across the rising water, seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.

As she flew, she spoke to the first baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”

And the first baby turned to her and said, “No.  When your day has passed, when you can no longer take care of yourself, then I will not dedicate my whole life to taking care of you.  I will dedicate all my energy and strength to taking care of myself.”

The mother bird said, “No!  This is not the baby to save.”  And so she let go of the first baby and it fell, helplessly flailing its tiny wings, down into the raging waves.

Tired and wet, the mother bird turned and flew back to the nest, which she hoped would still be above the rising waters.

She found the nest and picked up the second baby bird.  Weary and wet, she struggled to fly higher, through the beating rain, against the driving wind.  Seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.

And as she struggled, she spoke to the second baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”

And the second baby turned to her and said, “Yes.  When you have used all your energy and strength, when you are too exhausted to go further, I will dedicate my whole life to taking care of you.”

And the mother bird said, “No!  This also is not the baby to save.”  And so she let go of the second baby and it fell, helplessly flailing its tiny wings, down into the raging waves.

Almost exhausted now, bedraggled, beaten by the driving rain and raging wind, summoning all her remaining strength, the mother bird turned and flew back to the nest, which she hoped would still be above the rising waters.

She found the nest and, just as the raging waves washed it away, she picked up the third baby bird.  With barely enough strength to rise above the foam and spray, to move forward against the driving wind, she struggled bravely on.  Desperately seeking a new place that would be high enough, so she might save at least one of her children.

And as she struggled, with her voice and body failing, she spoke to the third baby, asking, “When I am very old and I can no longer take care of myself, will you dedicate your whole life to taking care of me, just as I am using all my energy and strength to take care of you now?”

And the third baby turned to her and said, “No.  When you have used all your energy and strength, when you are too exhausted to go further, I will not dedicate my whole life to taking care of you.  But instead, I will dedicate all my strength and energy to taking care of my children, just as you are taking care of me now.”

And the mother bird said, “Yes!  This is the baby to save.”  And with renewed hope and renewed strength, she steadily flew higher and faster and further.  Despite the beating rain, despite the driving wind, despite the raging waves.  She flew steadily.  And she did find a new place that was high enough to save the child who must be saved.

~~~~~~~~~~

Even though the mother bird was not a bully, the same lessons apply.  Don’t let a sense of obligation and duty lead you to allow yourself to be harassed and brutalized by toxic parents; don’t be stopped if they say you shouldn’t be better than they are; don’t seek approval from bullies; don’t listen when they say that you owe them whatever they want; don’t be depressed by their negativity; don’t let them destroy your self esteem; and don’t devote your life only to your own selfish pleasures.

Instead, take care of yourself so you can devote yourself to something greater and longer-lasting.  Devote yourself to the children of your body, heart, mind and spirit.  That’s what you owe your ancestors, no matter what other claims they may press on you.

What’s important are the responsibilities you take up joyously, not the onerous ones claimed by toxic parents.