To Stop Bullying, Clarify Your Hierarchy of Values

Sometimes we must fight ferociously to stop bullies at school, at home and in the workplace because the responsible authorities won’t act, despite the evidence. But other times, we are the problem.  We have conflicting values we can’t choose between so we don’t act effectively; we stay stuck – uncertain and indecisive.  We vacillate instead of acting with determination and perseverance.  We give in.

A few examples in different areas of life are:

• Stopping school bullies – some people tell their children to believe that all people are good underneath, that the best method to stop bullies is to be nice and to befriend them, and never to use violence.  Or the kids may be stuck because they don’t want to squeal to teachers or the principal, but they can’t stop bullying by themselves.  Because they can’t choose which value is more important, they become victims.
• Stopping bullying spouses – some people accept control, manipulation, harassment, bullying and abuse because they think their most important value is that they made a vow for life, no matter what, or they’ve been taught to honor old rules about what their role is marriage requires, even though their spouse is selfish, narcissistic and insensitive.
• Stopping bullies in families – some people might not want to confront family bullies, even adults who have and/or still are molesting children.  They hold back because they think that they shouldn’t tell family secrets or they don’t want to disrupt family unity or peace and quiet.  Or they’re stuck because they wouldn’t want to lose the relationship with a parent, child or sibling – even when that relationship hurts almost every time.  Or they give in to temper tantrums or put up with bullying teenagers because they think that having children like them is more important than setting behavioral standards and consequences.
• Stopping toxic friends – some people maintain unhealthy, controlling relationships because they value forgiveness and friendship even though it’s extremely painful and debilitating.  So they suffer in silence.
• Stopping bullies at work – some people don’t complain because they wouldn’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings or get someone fired.  If they can’t choose between protecting themselves since that might mean harming someone else, they won’t be able to stop bullying.

While many other values and reasons can factor in, including important ones like keeping a job that puts food on the table or even survival.  I hope you can see that if all of our values are held to be equally important, then when they contradict each other, we’ll be stuck.  Or, if one value is always held to be most important, for example, non-violence, or being nice and sweet, or never disagreeing or upsetting someone, then we’re guaranteed to fail in some situations.

The way out of this impasse is to:

1. Rank our values in importance; have a hierarchy of values. Then we know which one is more important in which situations.  For example, is it more important that your children have contact with an angry, hostile, bullying, controlling, abusive, brutal parent because children need parents or is it more important for your to set an example of standing up to bullies and protecting them from being beaten, even if that means they don’t see that parent?
2. Honor the most important values first. Don’t honor a lesser value if that means you won’t be able to honor a more important value.  If honoring a more important value conflicts with a lesser value, honor the ones that are most important.
3. Plan a strategy that’s most likely to succeed. Children tend to blurt things out.  They think that if they’re right, that’s enough.  Everyone will follow them or some protector will rescue them and make things right.  Adults know that in order to succeed we often have to be careful in how we do things.  And there may be no rescuer, no matter how right we are or what we think we deserve.
4. Carry out the strategy with single-minded focus, determination, courage and perseverance. Be relentless in a good cause – your most important values.
5. I am not recommending situational ethics; I am recommending situational tactics.

We won’t make things better for ourselves or our children by being a peacemaker.  Tactics like begging, bribery, endless praise, appeasement, endless ‘second chances,’ unconditional love and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  We won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are more or less important to us.

If we don’t create a hierarchy for conflicting values, we’ll wallow in negative self-talk, blame, shame and guilt.  We’ll get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.

We can use many techniques to clarify our patterns and to prioritize our values in a way that will make us more effective and successful.  The take-home message is always to cut through impasses and solve our problems.  Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to protect you.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”  Stopping bullies is more important than never using violence.

For some examples, see “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop School Bullies or They'll Ruin Summer Vacations

Where do school bullies go during summer vacation?  Do you think they take the summer off and stop bullying until September? School bullies enjoy the summer.  Usually there are fewer adult supervisors at camps, recreation centers, pools, playgrounds or in the mall to stop their bullying.

Bullying is often, but not always, by older kids against younger kids and by bigger kids against smaller kids.  Bullying can be physical, relational and verbal, and it’s always emotional.  Mean girls are adept at gossip, put-downs and exclusion.  Boys use relational and verbal abuse just as much as girls do.  Boy bullies are masters of put-downs, excluding and leading malevolent gangs. Check out summer camps and organized activities where the same kids go for an extended period of time.  Usually the staff at summer camps and recreation centers is too busy and too swamped to stop school bullies on vacation.  Often, staff tolerates or condones bullying.  You’ll hear them say, “That’s just kid stuff.  It’s a rite of passage.  Kids need to learn to deal with bullying by themselves.”  Oh, some staff might lecture or yell if they observe bullying and they care, but their attention will be drawn away by other concerns and the target will be left unprotected.  There won’t be enough consistent oversight and you won’t know what’s going on.

Find out ahead of time if staff is trained to detect and stop bullies.  Do they have a policy and training program?  What specific behaviors are staff trained to observe?  Have they ever sent a bully home?  Do they train the kids how to witness and standup for each other.  What’s the refund policy if you pull your children out because they’re being bullied?  Express your concerns in writing so there’s a record.

Prepare your children to tell you what’s going on.  Being a target of bullying is not their fault.  Not defending themselves or not getting help will create long-lasting problems for them.  Telling is not tattling.  Convince them that the bullying will get worse if they don’t tell you.

If they’re sleeping over, have them send letters home, not postcards.  Is there an increase in anxiety, stress and nightmares?  Are they suddenly uncommunicative?

If your children are in a day activity, stay and observe it.

If there’s an incident or you’re suspicious, talk to the counselor, teacher and head of the organization in person or by phone.  Follow up in writing.  Don’t be put off by promises and platitudes.  What concrete actions have they taken?  A chat or lecture is not an action that will stop a real-world bully.  Don’t accept, “Ignore it and it’ll stop.”  Do bullies still have unsupervised access to your children after a lecture?  The Golden Rule doesn't stop real-world bullies.

If you hear the administrators say that they’re trying to build the bullies’ self-esteem or increase their empathy, or if they think that the bully will benefit from therapy or counseling while they’re still at the activity or camp, or if they appeal to your understanding and sympathy for how difficult the bully’s life is get your children out of that place immediately.  They’re more concerned with the bully than the victim.  They’ll sacrifice your children in order to help the bully. Check out supervised areas like pools and water parks where your children go but where there can be different kids each day.  You have much less control here.  Usually staff is focused on physical safety.  You may have to go a number of times despite your children’s protests.  You’ll probably have to analyze the situation and train them how to escape bullies and get help.  Help them identify lifeguards who will protect them.  Teach them how to elicit those lifeguards’ help.

Check out unsupervised areas like parks and malls where your children hang out.  Are you afraid of the other kids who hang out there?  Do your children know how to get a police officer and what to say to get that officer on their side?  Are you available in emergencies? Make sure your children go with a larger group of friends.  Let them go only if you trust the group to stay together and protect each other.  Of course, your children think that the most important thing in their lives is being accepted by their friends or the crowd they want to be liked by.  But that’s not your primary concern.  First and foremost, you’re not your children’s friend; you’re their protector and your better judgment counts.

Let them earn the privilege of going places without you in a step-wise way.  When they’ve proven to you that they know how to stop bullies or to escape in a fairly safe situation, then and only then, give them a little more freedom that’s age-appropriate.  Encourage them to make those steps, but don’t give in to nagging.  Whining and complaining aren’t evidence of good decision-making.

Bystanders-observers-witnesses can make all the difference in protecting targets.  Teach your kids how to enlist help.  Teach them to be brave.

This article does not include bullying of kids by counselors and staff, or the bullying of weak counselors by a gang of kids.  But you must be aware of the possibilities.

Remember, despite the lack of action by so many principals, teachers and staff during the school year, it’s still more dangerous during the summer.  Be careful out there.