Who Should Stop School Bullies on the Bus?

James Jones, the Florida father who boarded a school bus to protect his 13 year-old daughter from school bullies, has been raked through the media for his over-reaction.  He’s apologized profusely that he threatened the bullies and the bus driver who hadn’t stopped the bullying. The episode was captured by the bus surveillance camera.  No doubt about what he did.  The case will wind its way through the courts.  No doubt he should have been more active in contacting the school instead of boarding the bus.  He admits it.

But I think the discussion has focused on the wrong aspect of the situation; on his over-reaction.

The more important aspect is whether there was indeed bullying and, if there was,

• How come the school principal was unaware?
• How come the driver didn’t report it?
• How come the videotapes weren’t scoured to see if there was evidence for the alleged bullying?
• How come the principal didn’t talk to kids on the school bus about acceptable behavior at the beginning of the year?
• How come none of the witnesses were willing to come forward, knowing that the principal and teachers would protect them?

A possible answer to these questions might be that there was never any bad behavior on the school bus.  But that would be surprising.  What was your experience on the school bus?  Ask your friends.

Jones, of Lake Mary, Florida, and his wife claim that their daughter, who has cerebral palsy, had been called names and pushed around.  They also claim that they had complained to Seminole County school administrators in the past, but nothing had been done to help their daughter.  Jones told deputies that boys placed an open condom on his daughter's head, smacked her on the back of her head, twisted her ear and shouted rude comments at her.

The response of the school administrators is the usual, “We didn’t know; they never contacted us.”  They focused on Mr. Jones’s over-reaction instead of on the alleged bullying on the bus.  “Changing the focus” is a typical tactic of bullies and people trying to gloss over their failure to respond effectively.

We don’t know the facts.  School bus tapes haven’t been scanned.  Complaints to the school officials by the Joneses haven’t been documented. However, I’m suggesting that in too many cases, school administrators are not proactive in creating an environment in which:

• Every kid knows that bullying is wrong and won’t be tolerated.
• Adults are monitoring areas in which most bullying occurs.
• Every child (every potential witness) knows what to do and that their reports will be confidential and they’ll be protected.

The huge outcry in support of Mr. Jones demonstrates the lurking fear that all parents have: principals, teachers and staff too often look the other way and don’t actively protect our children.  There’s the lurking fear that our child will be the next bullying-caused suicide.  We empathize with Mr. Jones’ frustration and anger.

I’d be more likely to believe the school principal if he or she stood next to Mr. Jones on nationwide television and said things like, “Yes, Mr. Jones over-reacted, but we won’t tolerate bullying anywhere at school, we’re reviewing tapes to see if there was bullying, we’re questioning the driver, we’re instituting a strong program to educate all teachers, staff and kids that we won’t tolerate bullying.  We’ll get the facts in this specific case.”

I disagree with the supposed experts who say that parents shouldn’t intervene, even if the targeted children can’t protect themselves, for example, because the number of bullies is overwhelming or because the child has cerebral palsy and can’t protect herself, like Mr. Jones’ daughter.

I think we simply have to know how to intervene more skillfully so that, when necessary, we know how to force inactive, lazy or reluctant principals to act.  For example, if the Joneses had been more skillful in documenting their complaints to the school, if they really did, there would be a clear paper trail of every interaction with the school administrators, including administrators’ signatures on minutes of every conversation and the Joneses would have copies.  Individualized coaching is crucial to developing this skill.

More important than psychologists’ claims that “when [parents] jump in and [intervene], it helps the kids actually feel worse because they feel less control, they feel like they can't handle themselves and they feel defenseless without the bodyguard there,” is that when children actually are overwhelmed or helpless, they know that they’re protected by responsible adults.  They can learn to protect themselves better as they grow more independent.

Mr. Jones’ daughter was helpless to defend herself.  The stress, anxiety and fear are greater because she wasn’t protected. Let’s focus on the real problem; bullying on the bus, near the lockers, on the playgrounds, in the bathrooms, in the hallways, in the cafeteria and everywhere else bullies feel safe to attack their targets.

You can see or listen to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” for many examples of how to stop bullies.

Stop Bullies: Recognize Governor Sanford's Abusive Behavior

In her New York Times book review, “Facing Scandal, Keeping Faith,” Janet Maslin describes Jenny Sanford’s new book, “Staying True.” Jenny, wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, notes many typical warning signs of stealthy, manipulative, controlling bullies when she describes her husband’s behavior in their early marriage arrangements, and during the public unraveling of his attempted cover up of lies to her and the people of the State he’s supposed to represent. Some of Governor Sanford’s typical behavioral warning signs of bullies:

• They’re more important than you are.  Their whims, wishes, desires count; your needs don’t.

“Even in his young and footloose days, when Mr. Sanford worked in commercial real estate and Jenny Sullivan was the rare female analyst working at Lazard Frères in New York, he showed signs of being unusually demanding…He drew up a facetious prenuptial agreement that laughingly stated the husband’s right to control the family finances and be the final arbiter in all matters.”

And, “After their wedding there were warning bells…When Ms. Sanford’s beloved grandfather died, Mark saw no reason to attend the funeral.  When she was pregnant with their first son, he got bored after a single Lamaze class and insisted that he needed no instruction.  As the book colorfully recalls, he said, ‘I’ve spent many long nights helping cows give birth and I know what to do when the baby gets stuck.’

• Everyone is a pawn in their plans.  They use you and justify it logically.

“Mark Sanford had relied on his wife of 20 years for professional and moral support, even if his reasons for recruiting her services were not always the most noble.  ‘But you’re free,’ he once pointed out, explaining why she should run his first Congressional campaign.  He wasn’t referring to her uncluttered schedule.”

By the way, their reasons and justifications tell you what their most important priories are.  And that your expected role in life is to help them satisfy those priorities.

• It’s all about them.  They think they know best about everything.  Their rules should rule. They should control everything.

Governor Sanford’s first move after the teary news conference last June, in which he expressed his sincere love for his Argentine girlfriend, was to get on the phone to his wife as soon as the cameras were off, and ask her: “How’d I do?”

“He even sought her permission to continue his affair, and expected her to empathize with his loneliness, she says. ‘What he does not see is how morally offensive it is to me even to listen to this.’”

• Their excuses should excuse.  They lie and when they’re caught they’ll justify and argue relentlessly, including splitting hairs like a lawyer and changing the subject.

“Amazed by the ego stroking that came with a political career, Ms. Sanford writes, she watched her husband morph into a restless, distant character.  He stopped bothering to be strict with their four children. He worried about his bald spot. And he spent more and more time away from home, telling what turned out to be flagrant lies about his reasons for travel.  A trip to New York to talk with publishers about his book on conservative values turned out to be a surreptitious tryst with the Argentine woman.”

“Once Ms. Sanford figured out what was going on and fought vehemently with her husband, he sided adamantly with his lover. (‘She is not a whore!’)”

See “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and the “Top 12 Warning Signs of controlling Husbands” for more details.

Jenny Sanford is bright and perceptive; she saw the signs of harassment, bullying and abuse.  She tolerated his behavior.  She ignored or hoped that he wouldn’t take the path he did.  That’s a choice common to people who end up in Jenny’s situation, whether experienced under the microscope of national television or in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

Of course, bullying women also show these same warning signs and men go along for the ride.

Great people, people on great and consuming missions show these behaviors.  What you do in response to these signs is your business.  You may be willing to tolerate bullying in service to the person you love and to the mission.

It’s really about where you draw the line in the gray area.  For example, suppose the fame and adulation didn’t go to Governor Sanford’s head?  Suppose he stayed in love with Jenny, didn’t get a huge crush for this mistress (or others we don’t know about) and cared more for his children?

Many great people have.  In that case, Jenny wouldn’t have written that book and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

But hubris and infatuation have long been recognized as leading to great falls in life.

Teaching children to stop bullies at school

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal described a new “craze” to teach students not to become bullies.  In “Learning by Cooing: Empathy Lessons From Little Tykes,” the Journal described the method used by a school in a Seattle suburb, among other schools, that puts 6 month old babies in front of children from kindergarten to the eight grade.  The hope is that the students will empathize with the little tykes and not bully their fellow students.

Of course, we hope children don’t grow up to become bullies.  And of course, researchers interested in the craze can provide scientific studies to show that the method works.

But let’s be real.

I’m more interested in teaching parents to help their children deal with the real-world – which will have emotional abuse, verbal intimidation and overt physical bullying by determined bullies.  And your children will see the same when they become adults – at work and in their personal lives.

Teach your children and teens to deal directly and firmly in order to stop bullies at school.  Prepare them for the workplace and for adult relationships like marriage, relatives, friends and neighbors.  I can help with coaching, speaking, books and CDs.  Few things ruin children’s confidence and self-esteem, or stops their emotional development faster that being poorly equipped to deal with controlling, domineering bullies.  That feeling of helplessness can last them all their lives.

It’s nice if principals and teachers don’t tolerate bullies at their schools, but the chances are that your children will have to stop those bullies on their own.  Are you teaching them the attitudes and skills they need?  Or are you indulging in wishful thinking and sticking your head in the sand?