Resist Bullies' Anger and Pressure

Some bullying spouses, abusive extended-family members, people you call friends, bullies in school and bullies at work will try to pressure you to do what they want; to do what they think is right.  And they’ll have their “good” reasons in order to justify why you should do what they want.  And if you don’t do things their way, they’ll be angry, try to get other people to pressure you or try to force you by threatening to shun you or to hold that grudge forever. So how can you think of the situation so you’re free to do what you want?  And what can you do?

You decide who gets to vote on your choices. You might allow some decisions be decided by majority vote but there are others in which you want only yourself and your spouse to vote.  Common examples in which not everyone should vote are in the planning of events – who gets invited to weddings or graduation or holiday parties.  Other examples might be what you do on vacation or what you do for work and where or who you date after your beloved, long-term spouse dies or what you do with your retirement.

There are moments of truth for each of us when we test other people: do they try to beat us into submission to do things their way or do they encourage us to follow our soul’s direction even after they’ve offered advice to go in a different direction?

How do you know you’re being given advice or facing arm-twisting? If you don’t take advice, the relationship goes on as before.  If you don’t take arm-twisting, you’ll son face a head-lock.

Don’t let anyone beat you into submission; not parents or children or friends. Don’t allow your life to be a debate to figure out the “Right” way to do things, with the rule being majority rules.  Don’t give people power over your choices.

If you argue on a bully’s grounds, you’ve already lost.  Once you’ve started arguing with someone expressing their opinion, you’ve already agreed that they get to vote and you can’t do what you want unless they give you permission to.  But you’ll never convince some people to allow you go your own way when it’s not their way.

If you want to listen to someone’s ideas but not allow them to vote, you can say, “You can share what you would do or how things seem to you, but I won’t discuss, debate or argue what’s ‘right’ or ‘best.’  I’ll make my own decisions.”   That will clarify what you’re going to do.

However, be prepared for them to harass and pressure you, and try to beat you into submission anyway.  If you allow them to control your life, why should they stop arguing?  That’s when you can say, “If you want to try to beat me into submission, I’ll stop talking with you.  My life is not a democratic vote.”

But what if they threaten to vent their anger forever or never to see you again? This is a wonderful opportunity to clarify who you’ll allow on your “isle of song.”  This is a wonderful opportunity for you to decide what counts more, good behavior or bullying blood.

This is a moment of truth for you: you get to decide, as an adult, what values, attitudes and beliefs to you want to have in your life.  Even more, you get to decide which values are more important when some of those values conflict or are even mutually exclusive.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Teach Empathy in Middle School? Can we? Should We?

A recent article in the New York Times illustrates attempts of one middle school of privileged kids in Scarsdale, New York, to teach empathy for those less privileged.  The less privileged included examples from great literature, of old, disabled and autistic people, and even of those students who didn’t get invited to last weekend’s social activities by the “in-crowd.”  Similar efforts are being considered by many other middle and high schools. Can such programs succeed?  Should schools engage in social engineering?

Education, in the root of our word and from its earliest time, was based on “cultivation” in the sense of cultivating a crop of good and virtuous citizens capable of leading a society that does good and supports the virtue of all citizens.  Leading was usually the vocation of only the privileged.  Education of the less privileged also emphasized creating good and virtuous citizens, but was focused more on what we might call vocational training for productive labor.

We can’t convert all schools – elementary, middle or high schools – into strictly vocational training and expect to produce good and virtuous citizens, capable of self-government.  In our democratic society, we treat all kids as privileged in the sense that they get training in virtue and being a good citizen.  They all also have the potential of serving at the highest levels of government, instead of such service being the privilege of only those born to privilege.

Empathy is a necessary element of being a good citizen, as well as a necessary component of great leadership and management.  For example, it’s one of the leadership and management training sets promoted by all business schools.  And the current economic recession or depression has a large component of greed and unethical and un-empathetic behavior at its core.

Parents should be teaching empathy to their children even before they’re developmentally capable of it, instead of thinking that a course as part of an M.B.A. training will ever do any good.  Since many parents don’t teach empathy, and also in support of those who do, I’m glad that elementary and middle schools are intentionally making that a part of the curriculum, in addition to academic subjects.  The key to teaching empathy and virtue is the character of the teacher, not the syllabus or lesson plan.

But teaching at home and in programs at school can’t be expected to solve the problem for every one, even though results in schools in the south Bronx are also encouraging.  Many children and teenagers will get it; others won’t.  One of the most famous examples of the impossibility of teaching everyone is Alcibiades, a brilliant, rich boy taught by Pericles at home and Socrates at school, who grew up to be unethical, unscrupulous and un-empathetic.

Humans do have free will, but that doesn’t man we stop trying to teach them.  We simply try with our eyes wide open.  Even in Scarsdale, as the article says, “mean girls are no less mean, and the boys will still be boys.”  Also, there’s still “name-calling, gossip and other forms of social humiliation.”  Bullies and bullying will always exist.

But now the schools make clear that such behavior is frowned upon.  Punishing it can be very difficult because it’s such a tricky area to find appropriate responses.  However, the clarity with which we label uncaring and unacceptable behavior gives every student a clear chance to judge the perpetrators and decide whether to try to join the in-crowd, ignore them or stand up for the students who are targeted..

We can’t and shouldn’t count on schools to protect our children from hurt feelings all the time.  We must help our children know what’s important to them and whose opinion matters to them.  We must also help them develop the inner grit and resilience to know how to protect themselves from verbal harassment as well as from physical abuse.