Passing pain, casting blame cost time and money

Is the “Passing the Pain Game” costing your company time and money?  Some examples of the game: To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Journal, see: Passing pain, casting blame cost time and money http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/09/13/smallb7.html

For details, see the original article.

• A customer reams out a salesman.  Part of a job wasn’t done the way the customer wanted.  The salesman doesn’t know what went wrong but he doesn’t want the blame.  He placates the customer by exploding and blaming a department he says was responsible.  He tells the customer he’ll have those people fired.  Then he yells at innocent victims in that department.
• A new manager is panicking.  He has to present his project to senior leaders on Friday.  It’s Monday morning and he still hasn’t received information from a manager in another department.  He e-mails her and vents his fear and frustration; he harasses, bullies and abuses her.  He tells her he’s tired of begging, he needs the *&@# information right away, he counted on her and she’s let him down.  What the *&@# is wrong with her?  All in capital letters.  To cover his back, he copies his vice-president.
• A director stomps into a supervisor’s office, scowling along the way and slams the door.  Anxiety and tension spread at the speed of gossip.  People congregate to speculate:  Did she meet with the big bosses yesterday?  Did she get reamed?  Did we mess up?  Who’s going to get blamed next?  Fear spirals, staff finds excuses to be in other areas, productivity tanks.

Other variants are:

• Some players set up other people to fight.  They plant seeds of doubt and jealousy, and enjoy the bloodletting that follows.
• Some leaders specialize in negativity, finding fault, bullying and spreading blame when something goes wrong.  Since no one wants to be the victim of mistakes, everyone carries a “blame thrower.”

Is that game familiar? People feel hurt, scared and angry, and inflict their pain on someone else.  The game is also called, “Who has the rattlesnake?”

How much does the game cost? Try this method of calculation:  Estimate the time you’ve spent dealing with uproars, multiply by the number of people who bring their pain to you, multiply again by the number of innocent spectators you and they draw into the ever widening circle of players, factor in salary and productivity wasted.  Add in a fudge factor for your level of frustration.

Pretty large number, isn’t it?

It’s important to have a code of conduct stating that passing the pain and throwing blame is not acceptable.  But that’s not enough.  Most people already know that.  They just don’t follow the code when they’re suffering, scared, angry or supporting friends in a vendetta.

For example, in one training on this subject, some managers questioned why I was wasting their time presenting information they already knew.  So I showed them the e-mails their department heads had given me, in which these same managers had used their blame throwers on each other.  They had perpetuated an intense game that scorched everyone in their departments and all senior leaders.

The trick is to stop the Pass the Pain Game in everyday behavior.  A few suggestions – see the original article for details:

• Change has to come from the top.
• Companies point to the culture they want when they publish codes of professional conduct.
• Policies and codes are not enough.
• Change begins with individuals committed to adult behavior, and consequences for childish temper tantrums.

Passing the pain and throwing blame are destructive.  Another reason to stop: your boss doesn’t appreciate the pain you’re dumping on him.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Don't tolerate or appease mutineers in the workplace

Do you have mutineers aboard your Ship of Business?  Can you distinguish mutiny from discussion and disagreement you encourage and can you skillfully quell it? To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Journal, see: Don’t tolerate or appease mutineers in the workplace http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/10/25/smallb5.html

Mutiny is resisting, rebelling and revolting against duly constituted authority.

The way Captain Bligh dealt with resistance on the Bounty – constant flogging – isn’t a good approach.  It ultimately leads to rebellion: They jump ship or put you over the side.

The opposite approach gives equally poor results: Nice managers tolerate resistance, sabotage, and poor performance while they beg, bribe and appease mutineers to buy in and produce.

For example: Sam was mystified because he couldn’t figure out how to convince his supervisee, Jack, to perform necessary and agreed-upon tasks.  For more details, read the complete article.

Sam was wracked with self-doubt.  Had he failed to communicate clearly; been too harsh with Jack; not been sensitive enough to Jack’s possible reasons for not wanting to train Amy?

No.  It was simply that Jack was trying to make his rules, rule.  Sam had encouraged mutiny to grow like a cancer in the months when he accepted Jack’s assumptions that, until he was interested in acting differently, Jack was entitled to:

• Refuse to train Amy.
• Act rude, disrespectful and insubordinate to Sam.
• Harass, bullying and abuse Sam.

Also, Sam had had accepted 100 percent of the responsibility to help Jack change his opinion.

The interactions that developed between Sam and Jack are similar to interactions between many parents and their children – parents who try to be their children’s “friends” and who assume that the best way to raise civil, strong, productive, responsible, mature adults is not to make them do anything until reason and persuasion have gained their understanding and acceptance.

Nonsense.  Parents provide encouragement, guidance and enforcement of clear boundaries of acceptable behavior – with immediate and predictable consequences for transgressions.  Children allowed to be the sole judges of the efforts they can make, usually become spoiled, weak, self-indulgent and irresponsible adults.

Ditto for adults in the workplace.  Sam was the duly constituted authority.  His primary task was not to be sweet, understanding and therapeutic; not to win Jack’s agreement and affection; and not to wait until Jack was willing to perform.  Sam’s task was to produce quality results, on time and within budget, and to hold Jack accountable for his part of that effort.

When Sam saw Jack’s resistance as mutiny, he finally told Jack that the responsibility for continued employment was Jack’s.  Jack’s primary loyalty must be to their mission and the performance and deadlines required.

One problem with the approach of reasoning, tolerating, appeasing, begging and bribing forever is that children won’t believe you when you begin to apply consequences.  That’s your fault.   You’ve already trained them to think that if they resist persistently, eventually you’ll give in.   When you finally try to suppress the mutiny they’ll either sabotage or react with shock, outrage and, sometimes, legal action,

Jack chose not to continue working in a company in which his rules no longer ruled.  In his exit interview, Jack admitted he never thought Sam would face his anger and carry through.  His parents had allowed him to act any way he wanted while they re-negotiated their requests.  He thought Jack would also.  Would your opinion of Jack change if you knew he wasn’t 22; he was 35?

If you don’t recognize and squash mutiny, it’ll grow unchecked until it sinks your ship.  Ask for what you want, you’ll get what you’re willing to tolerate.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

To Stop Bullies: Don't Give in to Fear, Despair, Defeat

Stopping bullies, whether overt, covert or cyberbullying, and especially stopping self-bullying, requires time, effort, courage, determination and perseverance – grit. It’s easy to lose heart along the way, but we must not give into fear, discouragement, despair, defeat, loss of hope or depression.  We must not listen to negative self-talk, or give in to the self-flagellation of shame or guilt, or pay attention to the voices who are convinced we’ll lose.

Instead, we need two crucial things to become effective in stopping bullying.

From deep in our guts, we need to rally our spirits and keep them high.

1. Our lives and lives in history and fiction give us many examples.  Our task is to build a treasure trove of examples and models who will inspire us when we falter; who will keep us from becoming passive victims.
2. They may be personal memories of times we’ve surprised ourselves with courage, strength, fortitude and skill.
3. They may be the examples of family members, teachers, priests, ministers, friends.  I always think of my mother’s mother, who walked across Europe when she was 16 in order to come to America – barefoot.  I’m inspired by her example.  If she could do it – with no cell phone, wireless tablet, social security, health or unemployment insurance – and not a word of English, how can I be less determined?  How can I succumb to fear or despair?
4. They may be people in history or the news.  Think of Joan of Arc or the women who walked across America along side covered wagons or Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who escaped from Somalia.  Think of the men at Valley Forge or the Battle of Britain who kept going even though everyone “knew” they didn’t have a chance.  Think of George Washington and Winston Churchill refusing to admit defeat.
5. Many movies and books come to a dramatic moment when the heroes can chose to give up or to continue on, whether they win or lose.  For example, in the last “Matrix” movie, Mr. Smith is defeating Neo.  He keeps calling him Mr. Anderson and trying to sap his will and strength by taunting him with, “Why do you keep fighting.  You know you can’t win.”  Finally, in agony and desperation, Neo says, “Because I choose to!”

There it is.  Because we choose to.  That’s the beginning and end of it.  Keep choosing to resist bullies; keep choosing to resist the self-bullying and the perfectionism that would discourage us and sap our will and strength.  Simply choose to fight on, whether or not we really think we can win.  Hope or will: choose which ever reason feels better or choose both reasons.  But choose to keep on keeping on.

We need helpers to lift us out of the pit of despair; who will march on together with us.

1. We usually need help to remind us to keep on when we might otherwise give up.
2. Family, friends and even strangers can sometimes say the right words or make helpful gestures.  When abusive, bullies seem unstoppable or our self-bullying seems overwhelming, our guardian angels can encourage us to keep our spirits strong and stand with us to keep us fighting.  They can keep us from defeat, depression and suicide.
3. Sometimes they’re the gestures of famous people who inspire us.  Because I grew up in Brooklyn at just the right time, I remember Peewee Reese, from Louisville, Kentucky, putting his arm around Jackie Robinson’s shoulder to let Jackie and the world know that Peewee was not a bystander.  He was a witness for what was right, standing with him.
4. Sometimes fictional characters remind us of people being lifted and supported. In “The Lord of the Rings,” all the characters except Gandalf and Aragon have moments when they despair and are ready to give up to seemingly inevitable defeat by the forces of evil.  And someone encourages them to keep fighting, because we must be an example for future generations and, also, we never know what will happen if we keep fighting.  There are thousands of other examples.

We need to build:

1. An inner world of those models who will inspire us by saying the right words when we need them.
2. A community of deep and sturdy friends who will inspire us to remain strong and dedicated.

They don’t have to make anything okay.  But what they do in the darkest times is to show that there is light and they throw a life line.

Sometimes we may act immediately and firmly to stop bullies.  At other times we hold back while keeping an intense fire burning in our guts, waiting for the right moment to act.  But that’s our choice of tactics, not the acts of a defeated soul.

As Winston Churchill said, “Never give in, never give in, never give in.”

Then we have a chance to succeed.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Sexting: Learning the Hard Way

In a series of articles in the New York Times, “Poisoned Web,” Jan Hoffman details a sexting case gone viral in Lacey, Washington.  What can you do for your son or daughter so they don’t get sucked into the black hole of a sexting catastrophe that could ruin their whole lives?

In this particular case, a middle-school girl sent a full-frontal nude photo of herself, including her face, to her new middle-school boyfriend.  He forwarded the picture to a second middle-school girl he thought was a friend of the first one.  The second girl, an ex-friend with a grudge, forwarded the picture to the long list of contacts on her phone with the caption, “Ho Alert!  If you think this girl is a whore, then text this to all your friends.”  The photo rapidly went viral.

A lot of the analysis about the situation is nothing new:

• Why do girls send nude photos of themselves to boyfriends they have or hope to have?  The same reasons girls always have.
• Why do guys prize and show these pictures as evidence of what studs they are?  The same reasons guys always have.
• Why do friends of the guys or mean girls forward the pictures?  The same reasons that names used to get written on bathroom or phone booth walls.  The same reasons that girls have always cut down their competition and enemies.  Bullies, bullying, harassment and abusive behavior have always been with us.
• Who or what is to blame?  The same culprits get vilified: thoughtless, foolish boys and girls, teenagers, school officials, society, double-standards and technology.

Does technology make sexting worse?  Yes, of course.  Technology makes it seductively easy to forward pictures and comments.  Also, technology makes the information global and permanent.  Kids can’t move to another school or even another city in order to get away from the consequences of what they and others did.

In the past, many reputations and lives were ruined by foolish moments.  Kids and adults have always been able to exercise righteous or mean or vicious inclinations, but it’s so much easier now.

What are the consequences to those caught up in sexting?  The girl who sends her picture may be the subject of vicious attacks all her life.  Her inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience will be tested.  She may feel helpless and that her situation is hopeless.  She may go down the path to being a victim for life.  Her self-confidence and self-esteem may be destroyed.  Anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation may be stimulated.  She can move toward isolation, depression and suicide.

The boy, the second girl and everyone else who forwards the picture have to face their own stupidity or meanness.  And they may have to face their role in a suicide.  An act of a moment can destroy a life.  Also, they may have to face prison.  We hope this will help them do better the rest of their lives.  Humans have always learned some lessons the hard way.

Do today’s kids face overwhelming pressure?  Many people make excuses for the foolish or nasty kids; as if the external pressures are overwhelming.  For example, the article quotes, “'You can’t expect teenagers not to do something they see happening all around them,’ said Susannah Stern, an associate professor at the University of San Diego who writes about adolescence and technology.”  This line of thought focuses on reducing all pressure and temptation.

But pressure was just as great throughout history as it is now – depending on the particular time in each society.

What’s the solution?

• I favor laws to criminalize the forwarding of child pornography – even if forwarded by minors.  That’s our society’s way of saying, “This is dumb and wrong and serious.  We agree that we don’t allow this.  And there will penalties so think long and hard before you do this.”  If we don’t say this, we’ll be enabling the bullies.
• I would require all schools have assemblies and programs in which students and parents are required to participate.  Law enforcement must be involved to present examples of what can happen to the kids who send pictures of themselves and to the ones who forward those pictures.  This will increase awareness of the dangers of kids succumbing to pressure to do something foolish like sending pictures of themselves and of the penalties for kids who forward pornography.
• Parents have the major responsibility to preach, teach and police their children’s use of internet and wireless devices.  This is our ounce of prevention.  As the father of the girl who sent her nude picture said, “I could say it was everyone else’s fault, but I had a piece of it, too. I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement in her use of the phone and texting.  I trusted her too much.”

These steps will decrease the number of kids involved in sexting.  But we’ll never stop 100 percent of kids’ foolish or mean or vicious actions.  But that can’t be our intention.  Our goal is to educate kids whose awareness of the potential consequences of their actions will awaken in them the ability to do better.

Our goal can’t be to educate or convert psychopaths or people who want to make a living off child pornography.  Educational approaches aren’t effective with these people.

I do expect most kids to be able to learn to be stronger, to develop better character and to be able to resist the temptations of our popular culture.  There’s nothing new in the temptations and pressure the kids face.  The only new thing is the ease and permanence that technology offers.  I focus not on making society easy and safe, but on developing individual values, character, heart and spirit.

Remember, all tactics depend on the situation – the people and the circumstances.  So we must design plans that are appropriate to preventing our individual children from sending pictures or forwarding them, and to minimizing the disaster if they act foolishly.

If your children are the targets of cyberbullies or sexting, you need to take charge.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome the effects of seeming to have your child’s life ruined by a foolish act in middle-school.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” have many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Federal Anti-Cyber Bullying Laws Needed to Stop Harassment, Bullying and Abuse

According to the Wall Street Journal article, “CyberBullying Report Opposes Regulation,” a recent report on cyberbullying suggests that, unlike other Internet scares, this one is well-founded, but it questions some of the regulatory efforts that are gathering steam.  “The report, by the Progress & Freedom Foundation, a right-leaning Washington think tank that focuses on technology public policy, says that data from child-safety researchers” indicate that much of the furor is overblown. I disagree strongly: The furor is not overblown and we do need Federal laws to stop cyber bullying, harassment and abuse.

The right-leaning think tank’s objections to new anti-cyber bullying laws are that:

• Worries over online predators are overblown because one study of arrests from 2000 to 2006 showed that most of the offenders approached undercover investigators, not kids.  I’m glad the offenders approached undercover investigators.  But that’s no reason not to have laws.  Between 2006 and now, offenders have gotten smarter.  And, of course we want laws so we can protect the kids who are approached.
• They estimate that threats due to peer-to-peer bullying are more serious than those due to cyber bullying.  Even if that’s true, that’s no reason to abandon kids who are targets of cyber bullying, harassment and abuse.  As shown by the case of Lori Drew, without Federal laws, cyber bullies can’t be prosecuted effectively.  The Judge acquitted this adult even though she set up the MySpace site that was used to harass and abuse teenager Megan Meier until she committed suicide.
• Laws pose “thorny issues” that are entwined with free speech.  Again, that’s no reason not to enter the thicket.  That simply lets us know that the laws will have gray areas and both the law and the interpretations will be continuously evolving as hardened criminals find loopholes.  Laws encourage angry, potentially vindictive people to think twice before doing anything impulsive and rash.
• Laws would make statements that defame, embarrass, harm, abuse, threaten, slander or harass third parties illegal online, even though such statements would be allowed if said on a playground.  That’s not a problem; that’s an obvious benefit.  That acknowledges the truism that statements made in a local context or face-to face usually have very different consequences than hostility put out to the whole world on the internet, especially if the statements are anonymous or made through the safety of false identities.
• We can solve the problem best through better education.  Nonsense.  Of course, education and vigorous stop-bullies programs are very helpful, but they’re not enough.  Education alone does not yield the most benefits.  Education, anti-bullying programs and enforced laws all together yield the most benefits.
• Teaching people to behave civilly online is no different than teaching children to use proper table manners, to cover their mouths when they sneeze or to say, “thank you.”  That’s also nonsense.  If an adult is a slob at home, no one else is harmed.  If someone gets drunk and disruptive at a restaurant, a movie theater or a ball game, they can be asked to leave or ejected or arrested.  The harm caused by eating with the wrong fork or not saying “please” or “thank you” is minor compared to the harm that can be caused by cyber bullying, harassment or abuse.  Ask the families of Megan Meier or Jessica Logan, both of whom committed suicide after they were made the targets of cyber bullying.  Ask the families of the thousands we don’t hear about them in the media.  They suffer, helpless to stop their abusers, but valiantly and quietly to struggle through life.

Online attacks are becoming an epidemic.  Some sites even specialize as forums for anonymous bashing and attacks.

Laws are made to state the standards to which we aspire and to diminish people’s ability to harm others as much as possible.  Laws may be imperfect and enforcement may be difficult and spotty, but that’s better than nothing.  I’d rather have anti-bullying laws that protect kids 90% of the time and have difficulties 10% of the time, than have no laws to stop cyber bullying and leave kids vulnerable 100% of the time.

Our laws and even our system of checks and balances are founded on our understanding that no matter how much education people have, they will often seek power and revenge.  They won’t always be good and sweet and kind.  If given the chance, people will be mean, nasty and vicious to others, especially if they can act anonymously or the target can’t fight back effectively.

We must rise to the challenge posed by new technology and keep evolving laws and enforcing them the best we can.  We must stop cyber bullying.