Who Should Stop School Bullies on the Bus?

James Jones, the Florida father who boarded a school bus to protect his 13 year-old daughter from school bullies, has been raked through the media for his over-reaction.  He’s apologized profusely that he threatened the bullies and the bus driver who hadn’t stopped the bullying. The episode was captured by the bus surveillance camera.  No doubt about what he did.  The case will wind its way through the courts.  No doubt he should have been more active in contacting the school instead of boarding the bus.  He admits it.

But I think the discussion has focused on the wrong aspect of the situation; on his over-reaction.

The more important aspect is whether there was indeed bullying and, if there was,

• How come the school principal was unaware?
• How come the driver didn’t report it?
• How come the videotapes weren’t scoured to see if there was evidence for the alleged bullying?
• How come the principal didn’t talk to kids on the school bus about acceptable behavior at the beginning of the year?
• How come none of the witnesses were willing to come forward, knowing that the principal and teachers would protect them?

A possible answer to these questions might be that there was never any bad behavior on the school bus.  But that would be surprising.  What was your experience on the school bus?  Ask your friends.

Jones, of Lake Mary, Florida, and his wife claim that their daughter, who has cerebral palsy, had been called names and pushed around.  They also claim that they had complained to Seminole County school administrators in the past, but nothing had been done to help their daughter.  Jones told deputies that boys placed an open condom on his daughter's head, smacked her on the back of her head, twisted her ear and shouted rude comments at her.

The response of the school administrators is the usual, “We didn’t know; they never contacted us.”  They focused on Mr. Jones’s over-reaction instead of on the alleged bullying on the bus.  “Changing the focus” is a typical tactic of bullies and people trying to gloss over their failure to respond effectively.

We don’t know the facts.  School bus tapes haven’t been scanned.  Complaints to the school officials by the Joneses haven’t been documented. However, I’m suggesting that in too many cases, school administrators are not proactive in creating an environment in which:

• Every kid knows that bullying is wrong and won’t be tolerated.
• Adults are monitoring areas in which most bullying occurs.
• Every child (every potential witness) knows what to do and that their reports will be confidential and they’ll be protected.

The huge outcry in support of Mr. Jones demonstrates the lurking fear that all parents have: principals, teachers and staff too often look the other way and don’t actively protect our children.  There’s the lurking fear that our child will be the next bullying-caused suicide.  We empathize with Mr. Jones’ frustration and anger.

I’d be more likely to believe the school principal if he or she stood next to Mr. Jones on nationwide television and said things like, “Yes, Mr. Jones over-reacted, but we won’t tolerate bullying anywhere at school, we’re reviewing tapes to see if there was bullying, we’re questioning the driver, we’re instituting a strong program to educate all teachers, staff and kids that we won’t tolerate bullying.  We’ll get the facts in this specific case.”

I disagree with the supposed experts who say that parents shouldn’t intervene, even if the targeted children can’t protect themselves, for example, because the number of bullies is overwhelming or because the child has cerebral palsy and can’t protect herself, like Mr. Jones’ daughter.

I think we simply have to know how to intervene more skillfully so that, when necessary, we know how to force inactive, lazy or reluctant principals to act.  For example, if the Joneses had been more skillful in documenting their complaints to the school, if they really did, there would be a clear paper trail of every interaction with the school administrators, including administrators’ signatures on minutes of every conversation and the Joneses would have copies.  Individualized coaching is crucial to developing this skill.

More important than psychologists’ claims that “when [parents] jump in and [intervene], it helps the kids actually feel worse because they feel less control, they feel like they can't handle themselves and they feel defenseless without the bodyguard there,” is that when children actually are overwhelmed or helpless, they know that they’re protected by responsible adults.  They can learn to protect themselves better as they grow more independent.

Mr. Jones’ daughter was helpless to defend herself.  The stress, anxiety and fear are greater because she wasn’t protected. Let’s focus on the real problem; bullying on the bus, near the lockers, on the playgrounds, in the bathrooms, in the hallways, in the cafeteria and everywhere else bullies feel safe to attack their targets.

You can see or listen to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” for many examples of how to stop bullies.

Stop Mean Girls Before They Trash You

“Fighting for Girls: New Perspectives on Gender and Violence,” edited by Meda Chesney-Lind and Nikki Jones, cites recent studies to show that violence by girls has decreased.  In a New York Times article, “The Myth of Mean Girls,” Mike Males and Meda Chesney-Lind also state that our common perception that there are mean girls and that girls can be violent, “is a hoax.” Well, that just gives new research studies a bad name, or at least those conclusions.  As Mark Twain said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”

In the real world, not the world inhabited by academics and researchers, mean girls thrive and their violence toward other girls is no only verbal and physical, it’s now also done in cyberspace.  If you track only physical violence on police blotters, you miss the other damage done by stealth bullying mean girls.

Ignore academic researchers.  Remember your years in junior and senior high school, and in college?  Haven’t you also seen incidents of harassment, bullying and abuse by women against women in the workplace?  Ask your daughters what’s happening now in their schools.  Are their principals, teachers and staff protecting girls against mean girls?

Every woman who’s interviewed me on radio and television describes the mean girls they encountered when they were young … and also some they see in their adult personal lives as well as at work.  A lot of my coaching is to teach women how to defend themselves against mean girls who now masquerade as adult friends or who are still mean in parent groups at schools, boards of housing associations, book clubs, neighborhood associations, church groups and as mothers protecting their mean daughters.

Think about the seven mean girls in Massachusetts involved in bullying Phoebe Prince into committing suicide or the nasty girls who attacked Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato when they were teenagers, or the six Florida girls who made a video of their attack on another girl and are now being tried as adults.  CNN even reports, “There's at least one Web site devoted exclusively to videos of girls fighting.”

Although physical violence might decrease as these mean girls became adults, they still form cliques, viciously cut-out their targets and relentlessly put down women they consider as rivals or simply weaklings.

Of course, mean girls can also encourage mean guys to be violent toward other girls and boys, and mean girls can also verbally destroy young boys.

So, as a parent, what can you do?

• Get active as a citizen.  Organize a core group of active parents to pressure legislators to pass laws requiring schools to have policies and programs to stop bullying.  Media pressure will help.
• Get active in your school and school district.  Form a core group of active parents to make sure your district administrators and school principal actively enforce policies and a school-wide program to stop bullies.  Involve all teachers, staff and students in recognizing and stopping the first signs of bullying.  Immediate and firm action is necessary.  If principals and teachers turn a blind eye, saying “that’s just the way some girls are,” they’re colluding by creating a safe space for mean girls and boundary pushers.  The end of school and summer are great times to get these programs started so you’re ready at the start of school in September.
• Prepare your daughters.  Well-meaning parents are the number one risk factor for creating helpless girls whose confidence and self-esteem will be destroyed by mean girls.  Don’t tell your daughters to feel sorry for their abusers and to “rise above” whatever these vicious predators say or do.  Don’t expect pious sentiments to prevent stress, anxiety, negative self-talk or depression.  Don’t let your daughters be whipping girls or scapegoats.  Teach your daughters how to stop the mean girls.  If you don’t know how, you need coaching.
• Prepare your sons.  Tell them about the real-world.  Remind them that 10 years from now they probably won’t see any of the kids from high school.  Teach them not to take the mean, nasty, vicious comments personally or as a prediction of the future.  Their job is to grow up and find a woman who values and appreciates them.  Mean girls don’t represent everyone.

Of course, specific steps depend on your situation and the people involved.

Don’t believe studies that supposedly prove that mean girls are an insignificant factor.  Don’t believe that if your daughter ignores their meanness or treats them with caring and friendship, they’ll stop being abusive.  Real bullies, mean girls and mean women, take offerings of sweetness and friendship as weakness and an invitation to prey on you more.

As Azar Nafisi, author of “Reading Lolita in Tehran” and “Things I’ve Been Silent About” said, “My parents did not bring me happiness.  They armed me for the battle of life.”

Are you arming your daughter to stop mean girls?