Catering to a few troublesome workers can backfire

It’s natural to respond to employees going through personal crises or enjoying tumultuous events, such as marriages and births. But have you volunteered to serve as therapist to some of your most troubled employees?  If so, have you asked the rest of your staff if they like your new role?

For example, Joe spent much of each day talking with people on his large team about their personal problems.  He thought his tender ministrations could turn anyone into a stellar performer.

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Catering to a few troublesome workers can backfire http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2008/04/14/smallb3.html

Joe was proud that he was a caring, people-person; a friend.  He wasn’t an insensitive, bullying, abusive, slave driver.  He wanted his team to be a family.  He expected success as a result of his people-centered approach.

However, I saw that it was the same few unprofessional performers who always needed Joe’s support and care.  For example:

• Jane lacked emotional control and blew up if she was ever asked to meet deadlines.
• Chuck always made sarcastic, personal comments about anyone who performed well.
• Bob was a negative, hostile, controlling and defensive bully.
• Joan was a smiling, manipulative, gossiping, backbiting rumor monger.

These four had chronic problems that spread their unprofessional behavior and prevented high-performance.  They weren’t solid performers who maintained their professional demeanor and productivity despite being distracted by joyous events or suffering from personal turmoil.

Joe had created a culture of entitlement.  He had to micro-manage them for them to be even a little productive.

Most of the solid performers still on Joe’s staff were looking to leave.  They felt harassed, stressed, abused and abandoned while he was doing therapy on those four underperforming employees.  Joe’s peers thought he should be reprimanded because his department was a bottle-neck.

Joe finally saw his problem and moved to fix it.  Over time, through evaluations for both productivity and behavior, he held everyone on his team accountable.  Despite the chance Joe offered them, three of the needy people did not begin to produce better or stop infecting the rest of the team.  They continued to drag down the behavior and performance standards of the team.

Typically, when people have been given many special privileges, they sue when they stop getting catered to.

However, in this case, Joe got some gifts; one of the people needed the job and started performing, two left of their own accord because the environment had “turned hostile,” and only one had to be terminated.  That person sued because of Joe’s “harassment.” But Joe had acted and documented appropriately and was vindicated.

Joe is unusual.  Most rescuing meddlers don’t change.  They’re addicted to the meddling role.  Similarly, most passive-aggressive or conflict-avoidant managers don’t change.

Re-read your job description: It probably doesn’t ask you to victimize most of your staff by catering to the emotional and psychological needs of a few people in the workplace.

Remember what Mr. Spock, from the original Star Trek, said, “Don’t sacrifice the many for the sake of the few.”  Mr. Spock was always right.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Change a Culture of Entitlement in the Workplace

How’s this for a challenging assignment: You’re the new manager of a 14-person team that’s been together four years.  During your first two days with the team, nine people come to you one-to-one and complain vehemently about two team members, Laura and Frances. They’re angry: Laura and Frances come in late, leave early, ignore assignments and are sarcastic and nasty.

Supposedly, Laura and Frances claim they’re the best employees and, therefore, entitled to set their own schedules and to offer their honest opinions to improve the others.  And your predecessor didn’t do anything to change that behavior.

To read the rest of this article from Business First of Louisville, see: Take steps to change a culture of entitlement in the workplace http://www.bizjournals.com/louisville/print-edition/2011/04/08/take-steps-to-change-culture-of.html

The situation outlined above is real; only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  The manager of the team involved stepped up to the challenge and the resulting change was well worth it.

Beware of organizations that are proud they never fire anybody.  Destructive entitlement and deadwood will accumulate.  When results matter, good workers will be forced to work around their unproductive and difficult co-workers.

If you’re leading a team with members who believe they’re entitled to do whatever they please, don’t ignore the problem.  You can change a culture of entitlement in the workplace but understand at the outset that fixing things will require courage, strength and perseverance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

How to stop a controlling boyfriend

Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free. Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career.  She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.

When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life.  He seemed to think so also.  He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home.  He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.

But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.

When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to.  Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank.  But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance.  He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.

He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted.  Or he could always win debates with her.

Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him.  He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down.  She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him.  And she was afraid that he might even dump her.  Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.

None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans.  He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans.  They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects.  He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.

At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.”  She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.”  She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer.  Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.”  Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving.  That means right now!”

Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No.  If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying.  I’ll get a ride or a take cab home.  I won’t be long.”

Frank stormed off.  When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious.  He yelled, “I’m in charge.  If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”

Madge felt like a chastised little girl.  She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him.  I could have left with him as he wanted.  It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.”  She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.”  When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl.  Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”

At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start.  Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage.  “Wait a minute,” she thought.  “It’s my house, not his.”  At that moment her head and heart turned around.  She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was.  Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.

Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.  Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.

Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money.  He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life.  And she had allowed him to.

I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life.  That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad.  But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.

Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

In her column in the East Bay Business Times, “Legal Report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night,” Barbara Grady used my expertise in the section on handling bullies in the workplace. To read this section of the article, click here Legal report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

East Bay Business Times, Friday, October 10, 2008 - by Barbara Grady

There are more than a few things that can keep employers awake at night these days. But with a bit of advice from East Bay legal experts, you can take steps to avoid some of these problems, whether it is bullies in the workplace, mistakenly hiring a felon or dealing with employees who spread trade secrets. The five areas covered in this Legal Report focusing on avoiding litigation can be legal quagmires for employers, because laws governing them are ever-changing or have not been well established.

Handling bullies in the workplace Too bad not every child learns that bullying is unacceptable. Instead, some grow up to be bullies. In fact, adults bullying co-workers and subordinates in the workplace “is a tremendous problem,” occurring in at least half of all employment places, says Ben Leichtling of the consulting firm Leichtling and Associates, LLC in Denver and author of “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and other books on the workplace.

In times of economic stress – like now – belligerent behavior can surface in seemingly even-keeled individuals. So companies need to watch for tensions among employees and incidents of bullying as the nation rides through the current economic rough patch.

If they don’t, warns attorney Darci Burrell of the Oakland law firm Boxer Gerson LLP, they could be liable for workers’ compensation claims or harassment claims from victims who endured the bullying. Moreover, employers stand to lose in productivity, workplace morale and eventually profits, Leichtling said.

“It might not be illegal for employers to ignore bullying, but it is not smart,” Burrell said.

Indeed, U.S. Department of Labor studies have quantified productivity loss from bullying, while the National Institute of Occupational Health and Safety found in a survey that one-quarter of public and private workplaces have experienced bullying in the workplace.

There are no federal or state statutes forbidding bullying in the workplace, however, so how do you deal with it?

In the absence of codified law forbidding bullying, Leichtling and Burrell both recommend that employers establish in-house rules that state what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable – and then training people in those policies.

“Generally having policies in place, a good comprehensive policy in place that tells employees what kind of conduct is prohibited and tells people what to do if that policy is violated is what works. The problem is lots of companies have policies, but they don’t train their people in those policies,” Burrell said.

Leichtling in his consulting work with companies always recommends that they specify in writing what behaviors are expected and what are not accepted, and then set up a process for documenting behaviors that are in violation.

“They have to be specific, like no throwing things, so they can be observed and documented. And they have to be behaviors, not attitudes, because you can’t document attitudes. You can document James yelling and screaming on such and such a date,” Leichtling said.

“Documentation must be practiced across the board, as part of performance evaluations, so one person does not feel singled out or the target of discrimination,” Leichtling said.

Bullying can include speaking in degrading terms to a co-worker or subordinate, threatening, and even less-overt behavior like repeated gossiping about one person, Leichtling said. Once documentation occurs and builds – as it usually does because bullies repeat their behavior – the offending bully usually chooses to leave, Leichtling said, because he or she can’t stand the negative limelight. Problem solved.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Stop the bully in the next cubicle

What do you do if the person in the next cubicle constantly gives you the silent treatment, glares, ignores your requests for information, makes belittling comments in meetings, puts you down in public, spreads false gossip about you, takes credit for what you did, accuses you falsely of making mistakes, tries to rally other people to be nasty to you and cuts you down to your manager? Even worse, what do you do if that’s your boss, and he also yells at you, makes personal and derogatory comments in front of the rest of the team, gives you unreasonable projects or deadlines so you’ll fail, evaluates you dishonestly and harshly, and is relentlessly critical?

Women, just as much as men, create hostile workplaces by verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.  They may even be more sneaky and manipulative.

What’s happened to you?  And what can you do?

In her column in the New York Times, “When the Bully Sits in the Next Cubicle,” and her blog post, “Have You Been Bullied at Work,” Tara Parker-Pope gives statistics for how prevalent these behaviors are.  Statistics are cold, but the individual pain of being treated this way is very hot.

I use the term “stealth bullies” for the subtle, sneaky, manipulative, critical, controlling workplace bullies who don’t use physical violence.  Most people at work let this behavior fly below their radar.  If we recognized and labeled these people as bullies, we’d be energized to resist.

Instead, many people take part of the blame and suffer in isolation.  They feel helpless and hopeless.

On an individual level, I think the first key to resisting is to recognize and label the actions as bullying so you’re galvanized to resist.  Then find allies and shine a light on it.  Think tactically and understand you’re in a war.  Because laws won’t help much, you’ll have to find other levers to exert pressure.

I don’t spend much time analyzing why bullies do it.  We know the major categories: personal dislikes, using brutality or someone’s back as a stepping stone, and ego stroking (“If I put you down, I’m one up).  You could probably reel off a few more.  In general, the approach of understanding doesn’t help.

I see hostile workplaces, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation not only in medical, legal and academic environments, but especially in government offices, non-profits and public service.  In those areas, people are often afraid of “confrontation” or of making “judgments” (someone is a bully).  In those areas, the typical culture thinks that the best way to stop bullying is to educate and rehabilitate bullies instead of simply stopping them first.  That’s like telling a battered wife (or husband) to endure the brutality while her husband gets therapy.

The purpose of most workplaces is not to be a therapeutic community for their workers.  Set high standards and enforce them at all levels.  But if the people at the top won’t dedicate themselves to stopping harassment and bullying, you won’t be able to stop it.  That’s like schools in which principals and teachers won’t stop bullying.

As a coach, consultant and speaker, I encourage people to fight to win.  The book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” can help but it’s crucial to design tactics for your specific needs and the situation.

But if you can’t win, don’t stay in a place where the powers are out to crush you mentally and emotionally, or where your spirit will be destroyed.