Stop Bullies: Mothers Get Put-Downs, No Respect

Verbal harassment, bullying and abuse; put-downs, lack of respect and cutting out can destroy confidence and self-esteem.  Disparaging and demeaning remarks; ostracism, backed by righteous, sneering, superior judgments can be devastating to children.  But they’re no less severe when done by adults to adults. A Mother’s Day article in the Wall Street Journal by Amy Henry, “What Cards Never Say on Mother’s Day,” complained about the lack of respect that dedicated, full-time mothers often get from other women, “even after four decades of feminism.”  The article had some suggestions for dedicated mothers who still struggle to get respect from working women.

While the article was accurate in pointing out the problem, I think it totally missed the solution. Bullies have used the put-down tactic forever.  Remember all that cutting out with nasty, sarcastic comments, especially through junior and senior high school?  Girls master this technique and boys wield it effectively also.  If you’re not in the “right” group you’re scorned and shunned relentlessly.  Even current celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato and Taylor Lautner talk about being the targets of this type of bullying in their school days.

Of course putting-down and cutting out rotten.  But it’s not only kids who do it.  As Amy Harris points out, working mothers often give no respect to women who stay home to be full-time mothers of their children.

Don’t waste time analyzing why people put-down others.  That path won’t get you anywhere.  Don’t waste time wanting laws to prevent people from putting down others.  A legal solution also won’t get you anywhere except in the case of public statements about people in certain protected categories.

The real solution lies in you.  When other people don’t respect you, look at the source and the possible consequences.  Don’t take it personally, but also don’t let it go by without saying or doing something in return.

So, what can you do?  First, you have to be strong in your own judgment of the path you’ve chosen.  Being a full-time mother is a wonderful path.  Work is necessary, but for most of us raising children is our most important and fulfilling task.  I hope your children will grow up wise enough to appreciate your dedicated mothering when they’re adults.  Not because you made a great “sacrifice” but because you made a wonderful, life-affirming choice and the children you love could reap the benefits.

Instead of taking other people’s judgments personally, go through the world testing other people to see if they rise enough in your estimation for you to keep them on your island.  I hope you find wanting anyone who puts you down for choosing to be a full-time mother.  Their choice to put-down mothers shows their lack of good sense.  Don’t allow the judgment of people without good sense to be important to your confidence or self-esteem.  Don’t let their judgment cause you self-doubt or negative self-talk.  And don’t let them stay in your life.  Instead, surround yourself with people who champion mothers.

I also said that you shouldn’t let their put-downs pass.  Stopping bullies begins when you understand that real-world bullies don’t take your politeness or minimizing or ignoring them as a sign that you’re morally superior or inviting their friendship.  Relentless bullies aren’t stopped by minimizing, ignoring, begging, bribing or appeasement.  Dedicated bullies take the Golden Rule as a sign that you’re weak and also as an invitation to prey on you more.  Doing nothing when you’re the target of relentless bullies is like holding up a sign saying that you’re a victim.

Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to who was taught by a well-meaning mother that she should feel sorry for the inner emptiness, low self-esteem and inner pain of the nasty girls who hurt them that she should ignore and rise above the catty remarks and hatred, now regrets their passivity.  They feel keenly their lack of empowerment and bear the scars of their supposedly virtuous martyrdom.  They wish that their mothers had trained them to fight back skillfully; verbally or physically.

There are many tactics you might try in response to put-downs; depending on you, them and the situation.  Some mothers form their own cliques of supportive mothers.  Others write responses on cue-cards and memorize them for delivery at the right moment.  Some responses are sarcastic put-downs directed toward the women who don’t appreciate mothers or who aren’t satisfied and even joyous with the opportunity to raise children.  Others merely comment on lives wasted at work.  Others use pity: “I’m so sorry that you’re the kind of person who’s not fulfilled and doesn’t set a better example for your daughter (or son).”

I want to recognize an important truth that we often overlook.  We know that we’re doing the right thing successfully when some people (“jerks) don’t like us and scorn our work and its value.  People who put-down full-time mothers fall into that category.  Don’t care what they think; don’t desire their respect.  Instead, get them off your island and let them know it.

Phoebe Prince Suicide Alerts Us to Stop School Bullies

Maybe the suicide of 15-year-old Phoebe Prince will finally wake us up.  Maybe the articles in the New York Times, Huffington Post, People magazine and dozens of others will wake us up.  Maybe the long list of charges against the bullies and tormentors will finally goad the public to demand strong action.  Maybe charges of statutory rape, violation of civil rights with bodily injury, harassment and stalking will get a stronger response from the district attorney than, “The inactions of some of the adults at the school are troublesome.” Phoebe’s suicide is another red alert.  But we know that hundreds of other children in our schools are being bullied, harassed, tormented and abused every day.  And parents and school officials are not protecting these targets of bullying.  Some of these kids will gain strength by fighting back effectively against these predators.

Others will be overwhelmed and destroyed by the bullying, but even more, by the lack of protection by the very adults who have taken on the responsibility to protect them.  These kids will grow up concluding that they are helpless and their situations are hopeless.  They will grow up with debilitating, negative self-talk, with anxiety, stress and depression, with little confidence and low self-esteem.

We don’t need more suicides to remind us of what we saw at our own schools, what we see in our adult personal relationships and the interactions we observe at work.  We know the depths to which humans can sink.  We know how alert and courageous we must be to prevent the worst consequences.

A huge number of people failed in Massachusetts.  Start with the two boys and four girls between the ages of 16 to 18 who have been charged as adults.  Continue with the three minors who have been charged as juveniles.  Continue with their parents.  Their parents failed to teach and control their children.  Of course it’s difficult to teach and control teenagers.  But will those parents now defend their venomous children or will they stand with Phoebe Prince?

I think the greatest failure is that of the school authorities, especially the principal and the district administrators who set the tone for the teachers and staff.  They pretend to be education experts.  They pretend to be worthy to teach children.  Yet none would stand up for Phoebe or for the other girl in school who was bullied by one of the accused teenagers.

We know that there are difficulties and that they will hide behind the lie that “we didn’t know how bad it was.”  So what?  Personally as a parent and grandparent, professionally as a coach, consultant and expert on how to stop bullies I say that these people represent failure and should be forced to go into jobs in which their tasks don’t matter.

Would you want someone who pleads “difficulties” as an excuse for their failures when your life is on the line – for example, a school bus driver, a doctor, a pilot, a cop, a fire fighter, a repairman of train tracks, a quality control worker on an assembly line for your medication, pacemaker or your car’s brakes or accelerator?  I wouldn’t give them the responsibility.  All that education has been wasted on them.  And maybe the type of education currently in how-to-be-a-teacher courses is a waste.

Then there’s the rest of us: the legislators who didn’t pass laws and demand policies and programs that would protect courageous principals from law suits by the bullying parents of bullying kids; the parents who didn’t demand the best from their legislators or the enforcement of strong anti-bullying programs by their principals; the by-standers who looked the other way and remained uninvolved; the citizens who won’t pay teachers enough to attract courageous and good ones; the unions that protect their failures from consequences.

Whether the abuse is cyber-bullying, physical violence, sexual attacks or the many varieties of mean and vicious verbal and emotional abuse – the spite, gossip, rumor-mongering, ostracism, targeting or mocking – there will always be “experts” who say “it’s not so bad,” lawyers who say that it’s too difficult to write enforceable laws, and there will always be difficulties in stopping harassment, bullying and abuse.  So what if there are difficulties?  If we can’t overcome those difficulties, we don’t deserve the responsibility and trust, and we will reap the bitter fruits that will await us in our hours of need.