Why? Because all too often, the words merely represent what leaders want values to be. Executives often don’t follow their own stated values, and/or create those phrases with little or no involvement from managers and employees, and no one requires compliance with values.
Some truths about effective values: See complete article.
Some effective guidelines:
Leaders can begin the process of values clarification and specification, and then get staff at all levels involved in discussing and modifying them.
At each level, managers should lead discussions and reinforce organizational values with their actions.
Feedback must go in all directions, not only downward.
Create written statements through an iterative process that never ends, so people have an opportunity to buy-in or leave on their own.
Values become powerful through examples that demonstrate, “When that happens, we do this”
Stories are the best way of spreading values in action.
Effective implementation occurs when leaders work in concert with other leaders, and when managers work with their teams and interface with other managers to give immediate feedback – private and public.
Poor technical performance and out-of-control behaviors, such as physical violence and embezzlement are usually easy to measure compared with behavior that reinforces or opposes attitudes and relational-communication processes.
Values begin to affect behavior when they are evaluated, praised, rewarded and punished, using as rigorous and non-bureaucratic a process as possible.
Internalization of values takes time and actually never ends, because people often hesitate and fear reprisals, and there are always new situations and new staff.
Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation. Especially if that means changing a culture of entitlement. To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.
Should we confront our toxic parents or not? Well, it all depends on us, them and the situation? But here are some guidelines we can use to decide what we want to do.
And what’s the “right time, place and way?”
Don’t use the word “confront” on ourselves. It’s a dirty word that bullies use to get us not to protect ourselves and not to set our boundaries. Bullies demand infinite forgiveness and unconditional love – but from us only; not from themselves. We must “protect ourselves” and we must “set our boundaries.” That’s a much better way of saying it. Notice how “protecting ourselves” and “setting our boundaries” are good and necessary actions. And if toxic, bullying, abusive parents keep trampling our boundaries, we have to ask ourselves, “Why are we with such jerks and control-freaks? Why are we presenting our throats to vampires? Why are we still letting hyenas feast on us? Why do we let sick people vomit on our feet? Why do we allow them in our space? Why are we in theirs?” Protecting ourselves is a more important value than not hurting the feelings of toxic people or not getting them upset or not making a scene or not upsetting the family.
Do we hope that “protecting ourselves” will change relentless bullies? Maybe when we’re young and they’ve just started, we might hope that standing firm and saying, “No! Stop! Sit! Stay!” will change them. Or maybe we might have succeeded by hitting them with a rolled up newspaper or biting them on the lip to show them who’s the alpha dog. But toxic parents have been mean, nasty, vicious predators for as long as we’ve been alive. A little kid really can’t resist them or change them. So by the time we’re middle-aged and they’ve been hurting and bullying us for over 40 years, we can release the hope that we’ll change them. I’ve seen toxic parents remain bullies even after near death experiences or being cut off from their grandchildren, although those two circumstances are the only ones I’ve seen effective in the rare cases of toxic parents who have changed. Standing up for ourselves probably won’t change them. But we can give it one more shot if we want to.
Do we hope that we’ll feel better or more powerful after we stand up for ourselves? We may and those are great reasons for defending ourselves and enforcing consequences. Words are not consequences; words without consequences is begging. Only actions are consequences. Take power. Don’t wait for jackals to empower you.
Will we speak up in private or public? We usually think of saying things in private the first time someone bullies us. But after a private talk, relentless bullies will think they can ignore us since we’re defending ourselves in private and they’re attacking us in public. Therefore, we have to speak out in public. Don’t let a lie or an attack or a put-down or sarcastic criticism pass unchallenged. We can protect ourselves in the moment, in public by saying, “That’s not true. That’s a lie. You’re still a bully and I won’t put up with bullying any more.” Don’t debate or argue whose perception is correct. We stick with our opinion; we’re the expert on us. Make them leave or don’t stay with they if they don’t change.
Might protecting ourselves change the family dynamics? Too many families hide the truth and live on lies. Too many families protect bullies and perpetrators because “That’s just the way they are” or “We have to put up with abuse because it’s family.” No. We don’t repay a debt to toxic parents by being their scapegoats or whipping posts because they once gave us food along with abuse. Don’t collude with these crimes. Speaking out can change the dynamics. Test everyone else. We’ll find out who wants to be friends with us and who wants to repress us – for whatever reasons. We’ll find out who we enjoy being with and who we won’t waste precious time with.
Will protecting ourselves set a good example for our children? Yes. And it’s crucial for us to set great examples. Be a model! Don’t sacrifice our children on some altar of “family.” Protecting children is more important than any benefit they might get from being with toxic grandparents.
What’s the “right time” to speak up? If we hope to change toxic parents, the “right time” and the “right way” can be considerations. But for any other reason, the time to speak up is always “NOW” and the place is always “HERE.”
Should we talk to our parents in a safe environment with our therapists present?The first step in stopping bullies is connecting with our inner strength, courage and determination. We are the safe place in any situation! We’re adults now. So what if they attack us one more time. Don’t be defeated. Look at them as predators or jerks and score them “failed.” We’ll feel much stronger if we say what we have to say firmly and then be strong and apply our consequences when they attack us. If people aren’t nice, don’t waste time on them.
Notice that all these considerations are about us and our judgment, not about the right way to convert toxic parents. It is about us and the personal space we want to create and what behaviors and people we’ll let in.
How can we still relate to the nice people in the family?
I think that we can only relate to those who want to have a wonderful relationship totally separate from the toxic parents. That is, we’ll talk to the nice and fun ones, text them and see them on our own without our toxic parents being part of that. Is that sneaky? No. That’s just cleaning up our homes and sweeping out the crud. And not allowing it back in. Tell the good relatives what’s going on and see if they want to have fun with us.
We must ask ourselves, “Are we doing all the work of self-analysis, apologizing, appeasing, communicating and being perfect? Are we wasting our time trying to turn hyenas into vegetarians?” If we don’t defend ourselves in public when hyenas attack, we’ll only encourage them to go after us more.
I’ve often seen principals, guidance counselors, teachers and district administrators recommend mediation even for relentless school bullies and their targets, even after the bully has taunted, teased, harassed and abused the target for months and the school officials haven’t changed the bully’s behavior by asking, encouraging, begging and bribing the bully.
In these situations, the principals finally give up and throw the burden back on the defenseless targets by saying that the kids have to work things out on their own. In these circumstances, this recommendation is a cowardly abdication of adult responsibility and authority, and it’s totally wrong.
Of course mediation and the weight of peer opinion and condemnation can be effective in some cases. For example, in situations in which two kids got into it with one time, it’s possible to bring them together and build a bridge of civility and even respect.
The first step was in not protecting the target, in not removing the bully, in not having consequences for the bully and his family the next time the bullying occurred, in not kicking the bully out of school.
The second step in converting targets into victims is usually taken in cases where the principal, teachers, counselors and school district administrators have been unable to rehabilitate the bully through asking, teaching, begging and bribing the bully. They make the target pay the price by removing him from the classroom or by simply looking the other way when the bully acts and then stonewalling and lying to the target’s parents. They hope the target will be less stubborn than the bully and will agree to suffer in silence. However, when the bully realizes that he has power, he usually increases his violence because no adult is making him stop bullying and other kids are afraid of him because he can get away with doing what he wants.
The third step that uncaring, lazy, weak, inept or cowardly principals take is when they blame the target. They say, “You must be doing something wrong because the bully’s still picking on you. Therefore, if you get together and apologize and promise to do whatever the bully wants, he won’t have a good reason to abuse you. If you can’t make him change, it’s your fault.” They call that “Mediation.” That kind of mediation assumes that the target did something wrong, that the bully has good reason to be angry and abusive, and that the bully will stop when the target grovels. That form of mediation completely ignores the truth that relentless bullies are predators. For whatever reasons – their own pain, their drive for power and position – they will keep bullying until they’re actually stopped.
This approach makes the targeted children feel helpless and that their situation is hopeless. They’ll be victims for life. It destroys self-confidence and self-esteem. It stimulates anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation. It starts children down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide.
Parents, when principals have gone on weeks and months making excuses why they allow the bullying to continue, they’re telling you that you’re on your own.
Encourage your child to maintain his inner strength and move up a staircase of increasing firmness to try to get the bully to look for easier prey. All tactics depend on the situation, but there are some general guidelines.
At the bottom of the staircase we try peaceful, friendly methods. We ignore it, we say ouch, we ask the bully to stop, we try to deflect it with jokes, we avoid contact. If that stops the bully, your child wasn’t really dealing with a relentless bully. If the bully doesn’t stop, if the violence continues, we need to teach our children to push back verbally.
If verbal methods don’t stop the bully and the school officials won’t stop the bullying, especially with younger kids, when it’s one-to-one and the kids are the same size, your child must be prepared to beat up the bully, if possible. Prepare your child with martial arts training. Of course you must be aware that the older a bully is, the more likely he is to be carrying a weapon. I’m going to this level because you’ve already failed using every peaceful means you can.
I’m assuming that the principal and district administrators have not stopped the bullying while you’ve been talking to them and your child has slowly gone up the staircase. Of course, when your child hits back those cowardly principals will attack your child because, they’ll say, “We don’t condone violence,” even though they permitted the bully to be violent for months. And usually, they permitted his friends to pile on by attacking your child verbally and physically or through cyberbullying. They’ll suspend your child for fighting back. Arrange for your child to be prepared and happy. Go to Disney World as if you won the Super Bowl. If the bullying stops because your child is ready to fight again, it’s worth the trip.
Since you won’t have legal redress – principals can’t be fired if they don’t stop bullies – your only alternative is plenty of bad publicity. You’ll need a lawyer and the ear of sympathetic reporters. Get your documentation together and make it public; minutes of all the meetings with the principal, emails and letters received by the principal expressing your concerns for your child’s safety and containing the minutes of the meetings. Look for a reporter or station manager who was bullied and not protected when he or she was a child. They might champion your cause.
The most important consideration is your child. Eventually, you want your child to get a good education. You must increase his strength, courage, character and will. You want him grow up to look back at the bully and the authorities who didn’t protect him as insignificant. They were speed bumps in his life that he’s overcome and doesn’t even think about now because his life is so wonderful. That may mean that you remove your child from the care of school officials who don’t care about his physical, mental and emotional well-being and safety.
By the time the principal suggests mediation, you know you’ve given them too much time and trust. You’ve been in an adversarial relationship and you didn’t recognize it. Now you know. Act wisely and tactically.
If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge. With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right. We can plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.
There’s a world of difference between being an active witness to bullying and abuse, and being merely a bystander.
A bystander has already decided to be an uninvolved spectator, to look the other way, to pretend ignorance if called upon.
A witness can make a tactical decision based on the circumstances – intervene now in some tactical way or speak up later.
At work, co-workers or bosses are bullies; at home, abusive parents will harass and bully one young child while lavishing goodies on the other; in addition, toxic parents will favor one adult child over another with love and inheritance on the line.
I’ll focus here on kids, but the larger implications should be obvious when you think about slavery or the Nazis or a hundred other public examples.
Often, at school and at home, mean kids will try to turn siblings or friends against each other.
For example, Charles’ friend, Brad, was relentlessly nasty to Charles’ sister Sarah. He made fun of her, called her stupid, dumb and ugly, and, even though Sarah was tall and skilled enough to play with the older boys, he’d cut her out of their games or he’d intentionally knock her down.
Charles looked on in dismay but never interfered. That was puzzling to Charles’ parents because, in one-to-one situations, Charles played well with Sarah and liked her. Yet Charles had become a bystander; he wouldn’t step up to what he knew was right.
How come he didn’t protect Sarah from Brad? Was Charles afraid that if he interfered he’d lose a friend or that Brad would beat him up? Did Charles secretly want his sister out of the way?
Without knowing the real answers to the “why” questions, the pain, shame, anxiety and stress of watching his sister tormented and the guilty laceration of his conscience finally drove Charles to choose which side he was on. He stood up for his sister and for high standards of conduct, but then he had to solve another problem; Brad was a head taller and 30 pounds heavier than he was.
In front of Sarah, Charles got in Brad’s face and told him to cut it out. If Brad wanted to be his friend and play with him, he had to be nice to Sarah…or else
Most of the Brad’s in the world would back down but this one didn’t. Angry words led to shoving and Brad grabbed Charles and threw him down. At this point Charles and Sarah’s advanced planning gave them a tactical advantage. Sarah, as tall and heavy as Charles, jumped on Brad’s back and the brother and sister piled on Brad and punched and kicked him.
As with most kid fights it was over fast. Brad got the message; he was facing a team. If he wanted to play with them he’d have to play with both of them. If he wanted to fight he’d have to fight both of them. No parents were involved and Brad chose to play with them and be nice to Sarah.
As much as the incident helped Sarah, Charles was the major beneficiary of his choice. His self-esteem soared. He had been courageous and mentally strong. And he learned that he and his sister could plan and stand firm together.
In a different situation, Ellen was popular and Allison, who was outgoing but had no friends, wanted Ellen all to herself. At school, Allison put-down and cut out anyone Ellen wanted to play with. If Ellen refused to follow Allison, Allison would get hysterical, cry and wail that Ellen was hurting her feelings. Ellen didn’t want to hurt Allison but she wanted to play with whoever she wanted to play with.
The situation came to a head during the summer. Allison wanted to play with Ellen every day. And on every play date, Allison would be nasty to Ellen’ younger sister. She’d mock Jill, order her to leave them alone and demand that Ellen get rid of her younger sister. They were best friends and there was no room for a little kid.
Ellen faced the same choice that Charles had; hurt her sister in order to collude with her friend or lose a friend and classmate.
Ellen didn’t agonize like Charles had. Ellen was very clear; colluding is not how a good person would act. However, her requests that Allison stop only brought on more hysterical anger and tantrums.
Ellen didn’t want to play with Allison any more but didn’t know how to accomplish this. When she told Allison, Allison threw another fit – hurt feelings and crying.
This situation required different tactics from Charles’ because Ellen was younger and arrangements for them to play during the summer and after school had to be made by their parents.
Ellen’ parents could have gone to Allison’s parents and told them what Allison was doing. However, they’d observed that Allison’s parents had never tried to stop her hysterics, blaming and finger-pointing at school. They’d always believed Allison’s accusations about other kids and added their blame. They demanded that teachers do what Allison wanted.
Ellen’ parents thought that raising the issue with Allison’s parents would only lead to negativity, accusations and an ugly confrontation, which would carry over to school.
They decided to use an indirect approach; they were simply always too busy for Ellen to play with Allison. The rest of the summer they made excuses to ensure there would be no play dates. When school started, they made sure there were no play dates after school, even if Jill wasn’t there. They didn’t want their daughter to be friends with such a stealthy, manipulative, nasty, control-freak like Allison.
In addition, they told Ellen’s teacher what Allison was doing and asked them to watch if Allison tried to control Ellen and cut out other kids.
Most important, Charles stopped being spectator and became an effective witness-participant. Ellen also would not remain a bystander. She made her feelings clear and her parents helped intervene. Both children learned important lessons in developing outstanding character and values.
Tactics are always dependent on the specifics of the situation. As parents wanting to help and guide your children and grandchildren, remember that there’s no one-right-way to act. The people involved get to choose where they want to start the process of standing up as witnesses and participants. You can get ideas and guidelines from books and CDs but on-going coaching, to prepare you for your “moments of truth,” is essential. You will need to adjust your plan in response to what happens at each step along the way.
New resources to help you eliminate bullies from both your work and personal life are ready to ship:* My new 10-CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” complete with 20 case studies, plus a free bonus, unabridged reading of my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks.”
* The Bullies Be Gone system — Personal Life Bundle
* The Bullies Be Gone system — Professional Life Bundle
The two new bundles bring together all of the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your professional and in your personal lives. Listen to the CDs in the car or airplane, and refer back to the sections in the books that you'll want to read over and over. When you purchase these bundles, you'll receive more that 20% off the price of each resource, if purchased separately.
They’re in plenty of time to help you handle the bullies you face during the holiday season and to give as presents to those in need. Please see the details, including the Table of Contents and questions for reading groups, on the products and resources page.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work:
* Early warning signs of overt and stealth bullies.
* Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life.
* The three strategies that will be successful.
* Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using.
* A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies.
* How to protect your personal ecology.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” is a companion to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” It shows you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life.
Good parenting requires you to teach them how to use other tactics and techniques to stop bullies in their tracks, as well as to maintain their independence, confidence and self-esteem, and to promote their emotional development. That's necessary preparation for them to succeed in the adult world at work and in personal relationships – e.g., with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.
Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:
* Taunting, teasing and fighting.
* A venomous Queen Bee.
* Emotional blackmail.
* A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
* School administrators.
* The most important decision for teenagers.
* Self-bullying.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Bullies Be Gone system — Personal Life Bundle
This collection of books and CDs brings together all the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your personal life:
* “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover.
* “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover.
* “Bullies Below the Radar” – soft cover.
* “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” plus “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” – 10-CDs.
~~~~~~~~~
The Bullies Be Gone system — Professional Life Bundle
This collection of books and CDs brings together all of the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your professional life:
* “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes” – 3-CDs + Workbook.
* “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover.
* “Bullies Below the Radar” – soft cover.
* 12 bonus articles on how to deal successfully with bullies in the workplace.
**********
~~~ "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts." Rabindranath Tagore ~~~
We'll make it easy for you to get copies for everyone on your gift list by shipping directly to them. Simply order the number of copies you want and immediately send me an e-mail with the addresses of each of your lucky friends. In addition, if you recently purchased one of the items in the system and want to get the rest now, e-mail me and I'll give you a special discount on “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the 10-CD set.
Of course, you can also get the personal coaching you need for your specific situation.
My new soft cover book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks,” is ready to ship. It’s in plenty of time to help you handle the bullies you face during the holiday season and to give as presents to those in need. Please see the details, including the Table of Contents and questions for reading groups, on the products and resources page.
“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” is a companion to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.” It shows you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life.
Your children and teens will probably face or witness:
* Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation.
* Anger, hate, harassment and hazing.
* Name-calling, put-downs, scorn, and ostracism.
* Two-faced friends and anonymous cyber-bullies.
* Peer pressure and destructive media influences.
Good parenting requires you to teach them how to use other tactics and techniques to stop bullies in their tracks, as well as to maintain their independence, confidence and self-esteem, and to promote their emotional development. That's necessary preparation for them to succeed in the adult world at work and in personal relationships – e.g., with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.
Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with:
* Taunting, teasing and fighting.
* A venomous Queen Bee.
* Emotional blackmail.
* A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend.
* School administrators.
* The most important decision for teenagers.
* Self-bullying.
Some of the other sections are:
* What to do when Peaceful Methods aren’t Effective.
* Tactics That Don’t Work.
* Success Guidelines and Tactics.
* Methods to Deal with Teasing.
* Recognizing if Someone is a True Friend.
* A Teenager who Won’t Try Hard at School.
~~~ "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts." Rabindranath Tagore ~~~
We'll make it easy for you to get copies for everyone on your gift list by shipping directly to them. Simply order the number of copies you want and immediately send me an e-mail with the addresses of each of your lucky friends.
Of course, you can also get the personal coaching you need for your specific situation.
