Different Principles and Tactics Needed in Different Situations

Clara had finally created a family life with her husband and three children in which they could open up their feelings, fears, hopes and dreams and know they’d be listened to with understanding, caring and tenderness.  They wouldn’t stab each other in the back, throw up old mistakes and fears, put each other down or try to control the turf.  Instead, they’d be polite and civil in sorting through disagreements and in trying to find solutions they could all live with.  Acts of charity and compromise would be reciprocated. But with some of her extended family and some of her co-workers those tactics and her principles of openness, honesty, kindliness, consideration, compromise and tenderness got her routinely bullied, putdown and taken advantage of.

She didn’t want to violate her most cherished beliefs.  She didn’t want to treat people as if they were evil; she wanted to see the good in them.  She didn’t want to turn into a self-centered, narcissistic, uncaring, vicious, manipulative control-freak in order to protect herself.

So what could she do?

Let go of prejudices and abstract principles. Clara saw that as much as she wanted to see the best in every member of her extended family, she often was treated by their worst.  Their spirits might be pure but their personalities ruled their behavior.  After decades of contact, the alcoholics and rage-aholics still lashed out at her if she was in their line of sight, the jealous, manipulative, negative relatives still whacked her with their poisoned tongues; the weak and insecure relatives still put her down in order to puff themselves up.

No amount of sweetness, no amount of holding back and biting her tongue, no amount of defending herself and her family, no amount of asking politely, no amount of offering to compromise had changed their behavior.

After one particularly brutal family occasion, she saw things as they really were: she had held back because she hadn’t wanted to give up on them, she hadn’t wanted to see them as evil, she hadn’t wanted to hurt them in retaliation.  Her values and principles were leading her to put her head in the dragon’s mouth – her need to treat all people the same way no matter how they’d treated her; her hope that if she was nice enough, they’d be nice in return.

So what could she do?

Test the world – nature and people. Clara finally broke through to a new way of being in the world.  Instead of having universal principles determine how she’d act, she’d test the world and let nature and people tell her the way they were.

Of course, she’d already done that with nature.  She’d already figured out how to live in a world where things fell downward, where if she turned her steering wheel she’d go in a certain direction, where if she didn’t put gas in her car or charge her cell phone they wouldn’t work.

Now she’d test other people, not herself.  She’d assume that when people were nasty or blamed on her, that didn’t tell her anything about her.  Because they weren’t happy didn’t mean she was a failure or bad person.  She didn’t need to wallow in blame, shame or guilt.  She didn’t have to do everything to please them, it wasn’t necessarily her fault.  What they said and did told her about them – their habits, standards and ways they related to people; what they wanted and how they tried to manipulate, coerce or verbally abuse other people in order to get their way.

Create an environment that’s rich, gracious, inspiring and thrilling. Clara finally realized that her most important value or goal was to create and maintain the wonderful environment she had with her immediate family.  She’d do her best to create as much of that as she could in other areas of life – with her extended family and in the workplace.

But did she have to let everyone in or could she be judgmental?

Let people show us how they’re likely to act and what it will take to protect ourselves. Every person had shown Clara what treatment to expect from them.  They’d also shown her what to do to get them to stop hurting her.

Some people showed her they’d reciprocate kindness with kindness.  Others told her that to get them to stop hurting her, she might have to smack their noses (figuratively, verbally or literally) just like when she was training her dog.  Sometimes she might have to maintain a distance of 2,000 miles and no phone or internet contact.  She’d simply have to pay careful attention to how they acted, not what they said, and adjust her tactics accordingly.

Clara would not have to judge their identity or try to decide whether they were good or evil.  She would not get involved with their reasons, excuses or justifications.  She’d simply be discerning and accurate about their behavior.  She’d also assume that they’d continue behaving the way they had until she got long-term evidence of change.  Then she could decide whether to trust that change – tiny bit, by tiny bit.

Use different tactics to succeed in different situations. Clara had a lot of control within her extended family as long as she was willing to invite people into her environment if they behaved in a way that supported it and to exclude people who might pollute or destroy it.  Acting that decisively would probably result in huge rifts in the extended family, but Clara had to decide what was more important for her.  Then she could adjust her approach depending on the situation and people involved.

At work, Clara had less control.  But, if she had the strength, courage and determination, she still could adjust her tactics.  She could see the few people at work who had taken advantage of her and she knew, in her heart of hearts, that because she’d tolerated their hostility and attacks, they’d simply become bolder.  The more she had allowed them to push her boundaries, the more they’d push.

She knew she’d have to assert herself and learn to push back.  She needed to free herself to push back and learn to use her tongue and political savvy to get them to focus on someone else.

But did protecting herself make her a bad person? She decided that it didn’t.  Those bullies, like many pets, had showed her what it would take to get them house-trained.  And now she was willing to do the training!

When she adjusted her tactics to fit the different people, she was able to stop their bullying.

You don't want dish-breakers in your kitchen cabinet

Good leaders need a “cabinet,” which is a senior team responsible for carrying out decisions and implementing plans. But what about your “kitchen cabinet” – a smaller group of trusted associates; an inner circle that helps you confidentially speculate about possible directions, make difficult decisions or deal with sensitive issues in the workplace?  Do you know who to bring into your kitchen cabinet?  And who to exclude?

To read the rest of this article from the Boston Business Journal, see: You don’t want dish-breakers in your kitchen cabinet http://www.bizjournals.com/boston/stories/2008/07/28/story6.html

Most senior teams, or cabinets, have five to 15 people.  You might call these teams your “strategic team,” but they usually become more tactical because members tend to focus on day-to-day operations and functions, and jockey for turf and power.

Your kitchen cabinet will be smaller.  Success is important but is not the major criterion for who gets onto your kitchen cabinet.  What types of people ruin a kitchen cabinet?

• Insecure, defensive, troublesome, whining, complaining, victims, Drama Queens and meddling peacemakers who need constant reassurance.
• Narcissistic, micromanagers and control-freaks unable to get beyond their self-focus – invested in personal agendas, dislikes, vendettas and turf wars.
• Perpetually hostile, critical, negative, cranky, dogmatic and abusive rule-worshippers.
• Sneaky, manipulative, back stabbing bullies.
• Dishonest and lacking integrity.

In addition to success, what are some of the important qualities in people you do want?

• You feel comfortable opening up your thought processes and speculations to them.
• You trust their wisdom and vision.  You trust that they’ll serve your vision and goals first, not their own.
• They can take a big view objectively and they don’t take things personally and don’t engage in bullying to get their way.
• They’re resilient; not defeated by setbacks.
• They trust you enough that when you don’t tell them everything, they assume you have good reasons.
• They don’t gossip but, instead, maintain confidentiality; especially when they disagree with the value of plans you’re contemplating or have decided on.

If you’ve inherited a senior leadership team and a kitchen cabinet, you’ll still have to form your own.  That’ll cause some hurt feelings and you may have turnover.  But that’s much better than opening up to the wrong people or trying to operate without an effective kitchen cabinet.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Bullies: Mean Moms Raise Mean Girls

In her article in the New York Times, “The Playground Gets Even Tougher,” Pamela Paul points out that Mean Girls begin their nasty, vicious harassment, bullying and abuse on the playground and in pre-school.  They don’t wait until fifth grade or junior high school. In my experience, mean girls put down targeted kids for whatever reasons they can find – from poor, discounted, unfashionable clothes or the lack of the latest cell phones and bling, to race, religion, physical differences and hair color.  Mean girls also form cliques that ostracize, exclude and cut-out their targets or scapegoats.  Mean girl behavior cuts across all socio-economic categories – inner-city, rural, suburban and expensive, private schools.  The movies, “Mean Girls” and “Camp Rock,” give some graphic examples.

Consequences for the targets can include stomach aches, throwing up and pulling hair out before school, as well as anxiety, nightmares, sleep walking and excessive crying.  Even worse are self doubt, negative self-talk, self-hatred and loathing, loss of confidence and destruction of self-esteem.  Too often, suicide and its effects on families and communities follow. Childhood bullies and mean girls who aren’t stopped usually grow up to become bullying adult as spouses, parents, friends, and at work as co-workers and bosses.  Similarly, targets who become victims unable to stop bullies usually grow to become adult victims as spouses, parents, friends, and at work as co-workers and bosses.

Of course, mean boys are just as bad as mean girls and mean dads are just as bad as mean moms.

In my experience, mean behavior is a natural tactic for many girls to try – children naturally try to take all the toys and to feel powerful and superior by putting down other girls.  Even when they’re very young, some shift into forming mean girl cliques. Let’s point the finger at the source: With children this young, the problem is their parents.  Mean girls have parents who fail their responsibility to channel their daughters into better ways of acting.  The four-fold problem is:

• Mean moms who ignore mean girl behavior at home, on the playground and in preschool.  These moms have many opportunities to step in and teach their daughters how to do better in age-appropriate ways, but they don’t.  I think of these as absentee moms, whatever their reasons – whether they’re simply uncaring or not paying attention or don’t want to deal with it or not physically present.  Nannies can be even less responsible, especially if their employers don’t want to hear about it.
• Mean moms who set a bad example by acting mean to their extended families, to their children and to helpless servers in all forms – waiters, checkout clerks, nannies, maids, etc.  Mean girls imitate what they see and hear from their mean moms, not pious platitudes or empty commands thrown at them.
• Mean moms who encourage mean girl behavior.  They enjoy watching their daughters be popular, superior and controlling.  They may think it’s cute and a sign of leadership potential, but whatever they think, they train their daughters to be mean.
• Mean moms who protect and defend their mean daughters when they get feedback about mean behavior.  Of course, one-in-a-million children will be sneaky enough to be mean only when their parents aren’t looking.  Sneaky, mean girls can bully targets by acting as if the target did something to hurt their feelings and get their protective moms to get the target in trouble.  Or mean girls will simply threaten a target by saying they’ll get their moms to get the target in trouble.  Mean moms collude and often encourage this behavior.  Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter series is an example of a mean boy protected by his mean father.

Suppose you’re the parent of a child who’s bullied by a mean girl, what can you do?  If you’re convinced that your daughter was not a provocateur who tried to get the other girl to react and get in trouble, should you talk to the mean girls, their moms, teachers and principals?

• Know your daughter; will she assert and defend herself?  Since she might not talk about the meanness, you have to watch carefully on the playground and look for signs after school.  Mean girls are bullies who try to assert themselves over less assertive and less aggressive children.  Don’t ask your daughter to suffer or “rise above” because a mean girl and mean mom don’t know any better or have difficulties in their lives.
• You might encourage your pre-school or kindergarten daughter to stand up for herself, but you should give plenty of encouragement and specific direction.  Even though your daughter is young, champion her inner strength, courage and perseverance.  She might be a target but she doesn’t have to become a victim.  Never believe mean girls’ opinions and don’t give in to their demands.
• Intervene rapidly when your daughter seems unable to defend herself.  Don’t let the behavior continue.  Say something strongly and firmly to the mean girl.  Girls who were merely experimenting with a mean behavioral tactic will stop and not repeat it.  That’s a test of the girl – nice girls stop when you set a behavioral standard but mean girls don’t.  Mean girls think they’re smarter than you and that they have their own mothers’ protection.
• If the mean girl doesn’t stop, test the mean girl’s mom one time.  Calmly detail the behavior and listen carefully for the response.  Is the mom appalled at her daughter’s behavior or does the mom blow it off or explain it away?  Just as in sports and childhood, your daughter might have been provocateur and then looked innocent when another girl retaliated.  So it’s natural for the other girl’s mother to try to discover the whole context and behavior before the incident.  But does the other mom immediately get defensive and angry, and twist the facts in order to blame your daughter?  Does she insist that her daughter is never wrong?  Is the mean girl’s mom too busy with her own life to educate her daughter or has she turned her child over to a nanny who won’t correct the child?
• If these attempts change the girl’s behavior, you weren’t dealing with a hard-core mean girl and a mean mom.  But mean girls and mean moms aren’t stopped by the easy tactics.  Now you have to cut off after school activities including parties, despite the ramifications.  Also, get the pre-school teachers and principals involved.  Some will be helpful; they’ll keep it confidential, they’ll monitor to get their own evidence and then they’ll intervene.  They’ll get the mean girl out of your daughter’s class, they’ll break-up the clique, they’ll stop the behavior at school and they’ll have proactive programs to talk about mean girl behavior.  Depending on the age of the girls, they’ll teach witnesses what to do.  Unfortunately, unhelpful, uncaring, lazy, cowardly teachers and principals will look the other way or condone or even encourage mean girl behavior.  They’ll put you off with excuses.  Don’t let this happen.  Remember, principals fear publicity and law suits.

Of course, every action plan must be designed for your specific situation; depending on the children, the parents, the school and the relationships.  That’s where expert coaching will help.

Teach your children what’s right and also how to defend themselves.  Don’t convert your daughter into a victim.  Don’t sacrifice your child on the altar of your ignorance, fear or sympathetic heart.  Protect and defend your child even though there may be a high cost socially.