Stop Domestic Violence and Bullying

In their New York Times column, “From Dangerous Home to Safe House,” Amelia Duchon-Voyles, with Liz Welch, describes how Amilia helped a woman and child escape from a bullying and domestic violence situation.  They also described the mother’s progress toward standing up to her batterer and to establishing a steady life for her and her son. Good for all of them.  Their individual efforts, in emergencies, under duress, save lives.

Some ideas for the targets of domestic violence are:

Some ideas for the targets of domestic violence are:

1. Don’t remain a victim.  Whatever your second thoughts, stop the harassment, bullying, abuse and domestic violence by getting away safely.  If you’re threatened, beaten, terrorized or abused, get away.  Don’t live in fear.  Don’t allow your children to grow up in fear.  In your heart of hearts you know that if you stay, you’re dooming your babies to a life of pain, stress and anxiety; negativity and depression; low self-confidence and self-esteem; increased chance of addiction, alcoholism and suicide.
2. Find a safe house and helpers to get you away and to start a new and better life.  Seize any window of opportunity; you don’t need a plan with all the details worked out.  From a safe house you can make and carry out a better plan than you can when you’re terrified.
3. Don’t worry about the stuff you leave behind.  It’s got his cooties on them.  You’ll get new.  More important than any attachment you or your children might have to the stuff, is the value of being free to breathe deeply again, to laugh and sing and dance with abandon, and to plan for a great future.
4. Your children need your good example more than they need his bullying, abusive presence and any benefits you imagine of growing up with a bully for a father.  They need to be away from the fear.  The boys need to learn that bullying and violence won’t be tolerated or get them what they want.  The girls need to learn that they don’t have to tolerate abuse and battering.
5. Don’t believe his promises.  You’ve heard them all before.  Don’t answer emails, texts and calls.  Your safe house helpers will help you get the police on your side.  Give up false hopes of rehabilitating him.  Later you can find a different love that feels good.
6. Get stable over time.  You can get education, skills and a job or career to make a life in which you can get your own place.  Start stable routines for the kids.  Convince them that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.  Tell them hero/heroine stories.  Even though it takes time and hard work, they can be fine as adults – successful people and good parents.
7. Don’t think about divorce and moving far away until later.  The people at the safe house will help you plan ahead.  Guilt and shame won’t help you now.  When you can stand up straight again, you’ll figure out how you let yourself slide into marriage hell and you’ll take steps to make sure it won’t happen again with a new boyfriend.

Be courageous, take the risk.  Your future, your children’s future is calling to you to make your lives better.  No matter what you say, if you stay your babies will believe your example.  They’ll think that being a bully or being a victim are acceptable ways to go through life.  Set a good example for your children.

Stop School Bullies or They'll Ruin Summer Vacations

Where do school bullies go during summer vacation?  Do you think they take the summer off and stop bullying until September? School bullies enjoy the summer.  Usually there are fewer adult supervisors at camps, recreation centers, pools, playgrounds or in the mall to stop their bullying.

Bullying is often, but not always, by older kids against younger kids and by bigger kids against smaller kids.  Bullying can be physical, relational and verbal, and it’s always emotional.  Mean girls are adept at gossip, put-downs and exclusion.  Boys use relational and verbal abuse just as much as girls do.  Boy bullies are masters of put-downs, excluding and leading malevolent gangs. Check out summer camps and organized activities where the same kids go for an extended period of time.  Usually the staff at summer camps and recreation centers is too busy and too swamped to stop school bullies on vacation.  Often, staff tolerates or condones bullying.  You’ll hear them say, “That’s just kid stuff.  It’s a rite of passage.  Kids need to learn to deal with bullying by themselves.”  Oh, some staff might lecture or yell if they observe bullying and they care, but their attention will be drawn away by other concerns and the target will be left unprotected.  There won’t be enough consistent oversight and you won’t know what’s going on.

Find out ahead of time if staff is trained to detect and stop bullies.  Do they have a policy and training program?  What specific behaviors are staff trained to observe?  Have they ever sent a bully home?  Do they train the kids how to witness and standup for each other.  What’s the refund policy if you pull your children out because they’re being bullied?  Express your concerns in writing so there’s a record.

Prepare your children to tell you what’s going on.  Being a target of bullying is not their fault.  Not defending themselves or not getting help will create long-lasting problems for them.  Telling is not tattling.  Convince them that the bullying will get worse if they don’t tell you.

If they’re sleeping over, have them send letters home, not postcards.  Is there an increase in anxiety, stress and nightmares?  Are they suddenly uncommunicative?

If your children are in a day activity, stay and observe it.

If there’s an incident or you’re suspicious, talk to the counselor, teacher and head of the organization in person or by phone.  Follow up in writing.  Don’t be put off by promises and platitudes.  What concrete actions have they taken?  A chat or lecture is not an action that will stop a real-world bully.  Don’t accept, “Ignore it and it’ll stop.”  Do bullies still have unsupervised access to your children after a lecture?  The Golden Rule doesn't stop real-world bullies.

If you hear the administrators say that they’re trying to build the bullies’ self-esteem or increase their empathy, or if they think that the bully will benefit from therapy or counseling while they’re still at the activity or camp, or if they appeal to your understanding and sympathy for how difficult the bully’s life is get your children out of that place immediately.  They’re more concerned with the bully than the victim.  They’ll sacrifice your children in order to help the bully. Check out supervised areas like pools and water parks where your children go but where there can be different kids each day.  You have much less control here.  Usually staff is focused on physical safety.  You may have to go a number of times despite your children’s protests.  You’ll probably have to analyze the situation and train them how to escape bullies and get help.  Help them identify lifeguards who will protect them.  Teach them how to elicit those lifeguards’ help.

Check out unsupervised areas like parks and malls where your children hang out.  Are you afraid of the other kids who hang out there?  Do your children know how to get a police officer and what to say to get that officer on their side?  Are you available in emergencies? Make sure your children go with a larger group of friends.  Let them go only if you trust the group to stay together and protect each other.  Of course, your children think that the most important thing in their lives is being accepted by their friends or the crowd they want to be liked by.  But that’s not your primary concern.  First and foremost, you’re not your children’s friend; you’re their protector and your better judgment counts.

Let them earn the privilege of going places without you in a step-wise way.  When they’ve proven to you that they know how to stop bullies or to escape in a fairly safe situation, then and only then, give them a little more freedom that’s age-appropriate.  Encourage them to make those steps, but don’t give in to nagging.  Whining and complaining aren’t evidence of good decision-making.

Bystanders-observers-witnesses can make all the difference in protecting targets.  Teach your kids how to enlist help.  Teach them to be brave.

This article does not include bullying of kids by counselors and staff, or the bullying of weak counselors by a gang of kids.  But you must be aware of the possibilities.

Remember, despite the lack of action by so many principals, teachers and staff during the school year, it’s still more dangerous during the summer.  Be careful out there.