Passing pain, casting blame cost time and money

Is the “Passing the Pain Game” costing your company time and money?  Some examples of the game: To read the rest of this article from the Washington Business Journal, see: Passing pain, casting blame cost time and money http://washington.bizjournals.com/washington/stories/2004/09/13/smallb7.html

For details, see the original article.

• A customer reams out a salesman.  Part of a job wasn’t done the way the customer wanted.  The salesman doesn’t know what went wrong but he doesn’t want the blame.  He placates the customer by exploding and blaming a department he says was responsible.  He tells the customer he’ll have those people fired.  Then he yells at innocent victims in that department.
• A new manager is panicking.  He has to present his project to senior leaders on Friday.  It’s Monday morning and he still hasn’t received information from a manager in another department.  He e-mails her and vents his fear and frustration; he harasses, bullies and abuses her.  He tells her he’s tired of begging, he needs the *&@# information right away, he counted on her and she’s let him down.  What the *&@# is wrong with her?  All in capital letters.  To cover his back, he copies his vice-president.
• A director stomps into a supervisor’s office, scowling along the way and slams the door.  Anxiety and tension spread at the speed of gossip.  People congregate to speculate:  Did she meet with the big bosses yesterday?  Did she get reamed?  Did we mess up?  Who’s going to get blamed next?  Fear spirals, staff finds excuses to be in other areas, productivity tanks.

Other variants are:

• Some players set up other people to fight.  They plant seeds of doubt and jealousy, and enjoy the bloodletting that follows.
• Some leaders specialize in negativity, finding fault, bullying and spreading blame when something goes wrong.  Since no one wants to be the victim of mistakes, everyone carries a “blame thrower.”

Is that game familiar? People feel hurt, scared and angry, and inflict their pain on someone else.  The game is also called, “Who has the rattlesnake?”

How much does the game cost? Try this method of calculation:  Estimate the time you’ve spent dealing with uproars, multiply by the number of people who bring their pain to you, multiply again by the number of innocent spectators you and they draw into the ever widening circle of players, factor in salary and productivity wasted.  Add in a fudge factor for your level of frustration.

Pretty large number, isn’t it?

It’s important to have a code of conduct stating that passing the pain and throwing blame is not acceptable.  But that’s not enough.  Most people already know that.  They just don’t follow the code when they’re suffering, scared, angry or supporting friends in a vendetta.

For example, in one training on this subject, some managers questioned why I was wasting their time presenting information they already knew.  So I showed them the e-mails their department heads had given me, in which these same managers had used their blame throwers on each other.  They had perpetuated an intense game that scorched everyone in their departments and all senior leaders.

The trick is to stop the Pass the Pain Game in everyday behavior.  A few suggestions – see the original article for details:

• Change has to come from the top.
• Companies point to the culture they want when they publish codes of professional conduct.
• Policies and codes are not enough.
• Change begins with individuals committed to adult behavior, and consequences for childish temper tantrums.

Passing the pain and throwing blame are destructive.  Another reason to stop: your boss doesn’t appreciate the pain you’re dumping on him.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Bullying: Are Bullies Evil?

Do we have to decide that a bully is bad, evil and unredeemable in order to stop them or get them out of our lives?  Do we have to be judgmental in order to act – to kick someone out of school, to divorce someone, to sever a relationship, to put someone in prison? Many people think they’d have to be much too judgmental and punitive in order to act.  After all, we don’t know the heart of someone since we can’t really walk in their shoes, and we don’t know who can be transformed or redeemed.

But is that way of looking at bullies true or useful?

Do we have to wait until we’re sure that a bully is evil and unredeemable before we can act?  Is it wrong to be so judgmental about a person’s character?  Can we say that our standards are so much better when someone else has such different ones?

I think that those are the wrong questions.  They’re not questions that will help us; instead they get us into unanswerable philosophic discussions.

I think more useful questions are: “What actions from whom are we willing to have in our environment?  What are we willing to do to remove people who act in ways that are painful, demeaning, denigrating, abusive and bullying?”

By using these criteria about actions, we’re not making any judgment about the person’s character or identity – are they good or bad, are they evil?  We’re not hallucinating about the possibility of their rehabilitation and redemption in the future.  We’re simply deciding what behavior we’ll accept in our personal environment. Doesn’t that change things?  What happens to the hesitation, stress and anxiety in trying to figure out what’s the “Right” thing to do?  What happens to the fear and worry about misjudging someone?

It’s not a matter of being judgmental; it’s simply a matter of choosing how to live in our personal space.  Once we choose our personal standards, we can pay attention to other people’s actions; not their reasons, excuses or justifications; not their character, true identity or the state of their soul; not some grandiose judgment about whose culture is superior.

If or when bullies change their behavior, we can decide how many times we have to see them act decently or over how long a span before we give them more chances to get close.  Or maybe, we’ll never let them get close again.

We’re not required to share time and space with anyone now, no matter what our previous relationship was or how much they want to see us now.  Their desire to date us doesn’t alter our freedom to say, “Not interested.  Go be happy somewhere else.”

We don’t have to have good, logical reasons.  We don’t have to figure out what the “Right” action is.  We don’t have to justify our decisions.  We can just be with the people we feel like because we want to.

It’s not a judgment about them; it’s about how compatible we feel or the dangers and risks we want to take or just because “We wanna or we don’t wanna.”  And we get total control over these choices because it’s about us; not them.  There are no outside rules or social codes that force us to do what we’re not comfortable with.

So keep it simple.  No great philosophical questions; no questions about character, identity or future possibilities, no questions about good or evil, no questions about future possibilities of redemption: only questions about the behavior we want in our personal environment or the behavior we won’t tolerate.

With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.  We can overcome childhood rules and simply take charge of our personal choices.  We can become strong and skilled enough to resist being coerced by bullies into doing what we don’t want.  We can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of adults getting over their early training and creating the environment and life they want.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).