One of the favorite tactics of sneaky, stealth bullies is to set traps for you. When you fall into their snare, they’re gleefully smug, “Gotcha! See, I told you!” Their hidden agenda is to prove you’re wrong, dumb and bad and they’re right, smart and good. They’re not interested in truth or equal relationships; they’re interested in putting you down and dragging themselves up. For example Micky and Donald comment in the blog post, “Repeated Bullying Tolerated by School Officials,” (http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/24/repeated-bullying-tolerated-by-school-officials/) “Just out of curiosity are you a single parent?” I don’t know them and their hidden agendas, but I’ll use their comments because their typical of that type of stealth bully. They never ask, “Just out of curiosity.” They’re always setting traps and they always have hidden agendas.

They’re waiting to pounce with, “I told you so! You’re over-reacting because you’re a single parent. Normal people wouldn’t make such a big deal out of their daughter being tormented, bullied and abused.” They think the bullying behavior was mild or negligible or normal and that we should ignore it, which to me means that they’re just like the school officials who ignore the torment, harassment, bullying and abuse.

But they won’t be straightforward and declare their opinion. They won’t get into a discussion in which they might be proven wrong and have to change their ideas. For example, they won’t say that they believe you’re over-reacting because you’re a too-sensitive, single parent or because your mommy and daddy were bad to you or because you’re afraid of the dark. That’s too open for them and doesn’t have the payoff they want.

Instead, because they’re sneaky, manipulative, controlling bullies, they’ll simply, almost innocently ask a leading question, “Are you a single parent?” or “Were your mommy and daddy were bad to you?” or “Are you afraid of the dark?”

They’re hoping you’ll say “Yes.” Then they can sneer and pounce – “See. I’m right. You’re merely over-reacting because mommy and daddy were bad to you” or “You’re only over reacting because you’re a foolish single parent.”

They feel safe and smug. Since they didn’t declare their opinions openly, if you say No” to those questions, they won’t have to admit that their theories or opinions were wrong. They won’t have to change their beliefs. Their harassment, bullying and abuse won’t stop. They’ll simply move on and try to lead you into another trap.

If you want or have to keep dealing with these covert manipulators, maybe because one is your boss or spouse and you’re not ready to leave yet, some tactics to try are:

Pin them down to expressing an opinion before you answer the question. You might ask directly, “What’s your point about whether I’m a single parent? Tell me directly what you think.” Or, “What’s your point about whether or not mommy and daddy were bad to me years ago? Tell me directly what you think.”

Be persevering. Wait for an answer. Then follow-up with a statement about their belief and whether your evidence will change their opinions. “So you think I’m overreacting because I’m a single parent? So if I’m married, will you change your opinion and will you accept that I’m not overreacting?” Or, “So you think that people get upset about bullying because their mommies and daddies were bad to them? So if my mommy and daddy were good to me, will you change your opinion and will you accept that I’m not overreacting?”

Laugh at the hidden connection. “That’s really silly to think that only single-parents get upset when heir children are bullied. You sound like a person who thinks bullying is fine.”
Simply ignore the question. You don’t have to answer every question that someone asks you.
Reverse the question onto them. “Oh, so you think we should ignore the pain inflicted on that defenseless target. Were you a bully when you were younger? Were you bullied when you were younger? Were you afraid to fight back?”
Laugh at the entrapment. “Oh, you really got me with that question. You look smug, superior and righteous. As if that means you’re smart and right. How childish and silly to play that game at your age.”

Challenge your date, partner or spouse to stop tripping you up or putting you down, or vote them off your life if they keep trying to:

Trap you to prove you’re dumb, silly, wrong or bad.
Further hidden agendas to put them in charge of all decisions.
Convince you that you’re too sensitive and that their sense of humor is fine.
Convince you that they don’t have to stop being nasty because once you were nasty to them.

Better than cluttering your space with stealth bullies is to clear your life space so someone good can come into it. If you don’t, the constant putdowns and “Gotchas” will undermine your confidence and self-esteem, and lead to negative self-talk, self-doubt, anxiety and depression. It’ll stimulate your own self-bullying patterns and make you weak, immobile and easy prey.

See, for example, the case study of false friend Helen trying to destroy Tammy’s success with her diet in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” Or Grace dealing with her husband in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest through this web site.

Of course, you’ll need expert coaching to design an action plan that fits your specific situation.

For years I’ve watched bullies disrupt professional meetings and create hostile workplaces. It’s bad enough when team members dominate meetings, but it’s always worse if it’s the boss who’s a control freak. Here are the top 10 tactics I’ve seen them use. What situations and actions irritate and frustrate you most?

These methods are even worse when they’re repeatedly used. But of course, that’s a sign of bullying behavior; bullies don’t change. My top 10 are:

Unprepared and latecomers – especially when they make a loud entrance.
Interrupters – they may be show-offs or clowns; they may interrupt vocally or by eating and drinking loudly or they may use their cell phones, Blackberrys or computers. They have the attention span of two year-olds.
Boring ramblers with their lengthy personal conversations or digressions.
Dominators and know-it-all authorities – their loudness, certainty and fast talk tend to shut other people down.
Naysayers – they are relentlessly negative and can put down and block every proposal; “There are problems, we tried that, nothing ever works except my ideas.”
Angry people who indulge in personal attacks and put-downs, belittling and bringing up old errors. They’re often defensive but, after a while, who cares about their psychotherapy?
Nit-pickers, distracters and side trackers who are full of irrelevant facts. They prevent progress by correcting or arguing over irrelevant details. They may want to re-think every previous decision; they never take action.
Side conversation experts – their ideas, whims or self-important witticisms seem to them more important than the agenda.
Editorial comments – they may be verbal or non-verbal, including snorting, rolling eyes, drumming fingers, turning their chairs around, laughing sarcastically and barely audible disparaging or ridiculing remarks.
Passive-aggressive backstabbers – they keep quiet or even agree during meetings, but then disagree, complain or put down people after meetings.

We usually know how to resolve these problem behaviors, but most people don’t have the courage or the organization’s culture won’t allow you to act.

Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies. I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that make meetings worthwhile and promote productivity.

The techniques are covered in the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” and also in the book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Stop Sneaky Bullies' Traps, Hidden Agendas

Top 10 ways bullies disrupt meetings