To bullies and narcissists, their convenience and wishes matter more than anything else.

These examples have a common theme, a pattern:

  1. Hillary’s son was enraged at her again.  She’d broken her hip and was in the hospital over New Year’s Day, just when he wanted to come to stay at her house with his wife and another couple so they could enjoy New Year’s Eve in the big city.  Now, if he came, he’d have to waste his precious time visiting her in the hospital and she wouldn’t want them to stay in her house without her.  She was so inconsiderate.
  2. Henry’s friends were so upset at him.  He wasn’t doing what they needed.  He’d gotten a new, large patio table and had offered them his old one, which was still in good condition and which they’d admired.  He told them if they didn’t want it, he’d have a charity come and get it.  They were excited to get it and wanted him to deliver it on Saturday between 10 and 11.  That was the only time convenient for them.  He said he was busy all weekend and they’d have to drive over with their truck and take it.  They told Henry he was selfish, narcissistic and way too demanding of their time.
  3. Helen’s parents were extremely agitated when they called her.  They’d decided the most important thing was for her to leave her family and move immediately into their house to take care of them.  They didn’t want to leave their house and they were sure they’d need her in a few years so she might as well get started today.  They wanted some grocery shopping today and a trip to see some friends.  When Helen said she wouldn’t leave her family and become their full-time servant, they became outraged.  “You’ve always been a good girl waiting on us and now you’ve turned selfish and ungrateful.  We don’t want to spend our money paying people to do what you should.  We can’t imagine living the way we want without your full-time help.”

Bullies and narcissists think they’re important; you’re not.
Their time and comfort matter; yours doesn’t.  They want to control you.  Usually, the only time they initiate contact is when they want something or they’re spending ten seconds to keep you hooked as a willing servant or slave.

Some common tactics of bullies and narcissists are:

  1. They review your schedule and plans to show you what you must ignore or change so you can do what they want.
  2. They get demanding, abusive and try to beat you into submission.  They’re negative, critical and righteous; they know best.  They throw hissy-fits loaded with personal attacks and threats.  They lie about history: “I’ve done so much for you and you never do anything for me.”
  3. When their targets won’t do what they want, they accuse them of what they’re actually guilty of; selfishness, narcissism, entitlement.
  4. They try to manipulate using guilt-trips: “I feel unloved, you always put yourself or other people first, you’re a bad parent and a good parent would want me to be happy.”
  5. They threaten about the future: “If you don’t do what I want, your grandchildren will grow up hating you and no one will love you and you’ll die alone.”

Hillary, Henry and Helen all found ways to get over their guilt and to establish their boundaries.  They used their inherent power.  They took strong actions with consequences in the face of their predators/masters.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situationThe best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling