Gail’s husband continued the training her parents had begun. He was in charge and her roles were to:
- Serve him every moment. She was not allowed to have wishes of her own or to leave without permission.
- Smile submissively and adoringly while taking the criticism and negativity, the public put-downs and demeaning comments, the bullying and abuse. She was the dog he could kick any time he was bored, stressed or upset at anything.
Three children later he was still trying to break her spirit. He was willing to let her serve the children as long as they did not interfere with her service of him. When their demands interfered, he made them live in fear of his anger. Her children soon expected her to fulfill the role of their servant; they were entitled.
When the children were teens, Gail woke up and refused to play her old role.
She told the kids they had to treat her with politeness, respect and appreciation. Most importantly, she started saying, “No” when they demanded immediate service. That upset them and they became even nastier. “Your job is to give us everything and make us happy. You to prove your love to us. You’re a bad mother. We won’t love you anymore. You should feel guilty.”
When she told her husband the same thing, he retaliated.
He told the children they were right; they deserved to be waited on, Gail was a bad person. All their bad feelings were her fault. He told their friends and neighbors how rotten she’d become. He made up tales of her lies and affairs.
At first Gail thought it would be wrong to tell the children the truth about their father’s treatment of her.
She thought children needed to think the best about their father. Then she realized she was at war with him for the sake of their Souls; their good character. For their sakes, she had to fight to win.
As Gail was divorcing him, she challenged the kids.
She told them she could see they were deciding how to be when they were adults. It was hard to be polite and kind. It was hard to do some of the work. It was hard to develop self-control and self-discipline. It was tempting to feel entitled, demanding and narcissistic. It was easy to blame other people and try to beat them into submission. But did they want to sell their Souls to their laziness, selfishness and greed?
She reminded them to trust their feelings. With whom can you be happy? Who are you afraid of disagreeing with because you’re afraid he’ll retaliate? How good do you feel when you’re blaming, angry and demanding? Of course you feel powerful then, but do you want to be a person who feels and acts like that? Is that the highest you aspire to be?
Gail said high standards of behavior were more important than getting what they wanted by using other people.
She challenged them to do the hard work, to become better people than their selfish father. After the divorce, two of her three children came with her. They said they began to respect and appreciate her when she started to say, “No.” They decided they would do the work to give in order to get.
The other child went to live with her father. She was narcissistic, angry and demanding her whole life. And she was the one who failed: she couldn’t hold a job and lived with or married a long series of men just like her father. And fought with them for power and control every day.
Gail prayed for her, but that daughter didn’t change.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.