Lenny’s toxic parents were total control-freaks and narcissists. He had to follow their orders or else: yelling, beatings and damnation to hell; bullying and abuse. He could never go anywhere or do anything without their approval. Through high school Lenny prepared himself to be physically and financially free. He learned a skill, got a job and starting saving to get his own place. But his parents were still on him all the time. Lenny fought back. The yelling, cursing and fighting raged continuously. Even after he was independent and married with children they tried to manipulate and control him.
Laura would never acknowledge that her back-stabbing sisters simply hated her guts all their lives, hated that she lived and breathed, hated that she succeeded. They jumped at every chance to put down her and her children. They made up lies and spread malicious stories through their extended family. Laura defended herself to them and to the family. She spent hours proving she wasn’t as bad as they said or that she never did what they said she had.
Lenny and Laura will never win; never get those enemies to admit they’re wrong.
The jury of his parents and her siblings will never let go of the fight. It’s life-or-death for them. Because they want to be right about what they think, they’ll never admit anything, never accept facts, always change the subject, always find new examples, always attack. Lenny and Laura will always be defending themselves. They’ll never defeat people who think their lives depend on victory.
The people who attacked Lenny and Laura wanted to see them bleed.
They were thrilled when Lenny and Laura got hurt or felt guilty because they hadn’t been perfect. They were ecstatic when Lenny and Laura got enraged and fought back. They knew Lenny and Laura were bleeding internally when they blew up. The more Lenny and Laura fought back, the happier were their tormentors. The predators wanted Lenny and Laura as emotional food all their lives.
Both Lenny and Laura said they had to keep fighting.
Even though they didn’t see a way to stop the fight by proving their innocence and goodness, they had to keep fighting. Youngest children like Lenny and Laura often trap themselves more than others. They grow up fighting and defending themselves, and proving they’re right, so it’s very difficult for them to stop fighting. If they stopped fighting, they thought their tormentors would win.
There is a way to win the fight.
Lenny and Laura had more years ahead of them than they had behind them. All they had to do was to let go of the fight and walk away. That would mean making those long years ahead rich, full and wonderful. And without those parents, siblings and extended family.
At first, the idea of walking away from the fight was too difficult for Lenny and Laura. They’d no longer belong to the people they’d been fighting all their lives to belong to. But who wants to belong to masters who treat you like a servant or slave? Who wants to stay with tormentors?
Lenny and Laura remembered the true fable of “The Ugly Duckling.”
So they screwed up their courage and started looking for their true families; not the families of their DNA but the families of their hearts, minds and Spirits. A personal ceremony-ritual-sacrament help them bury their past or put their past yearning behind them. Then they could open the door of the present and walk into the rest of the life they wanted for themselves.
And, yes, they did find and create families who appreciated, valued and loved them in ways that felt soothing and healing.
Laurel Keyes once told me, “If someone tries to give you a rattlesnake and you don’t take it, ‘who has the rattlesnake?’”
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.