Nancy felt pressured by everyone – husband, Church members, friends.

Even though her husband had been verbally and emotionally abusive he’d only hit her a few times.  Even though he spend most of his evenings eating out with other women, there was no evidence he was having affairs.  Even though he didn’t bring in any money and insisted on controlling all she made, he did allow her to get their grown children Christmas presents.  He even said he loved her and showed it by sometimes forcing her to have sex with him, especially when she was sick or in physical pain.

Everyone is a mixed bag, she was told, so you have to accept him as he is.  You shouldn’t try to change anyone.  After all, she wasn’t perfect either.  For example, she resisted his control, her life wasn’t focused on making him happy and she even disagreed with some of his decisions.

Nancy looked at what she wanted in her life, especially her marriage.
She made a target with a series of circles around a bull’s eye.  In the bull’s eye she put the things she didn’t want to tolerate – ever.  One strike you’re out.  And also the things she must have in different areas of her life.

Then in the next outer circle she put what was very important to her and what she felt very strongly she wouldn’t put up with.  In the next outer circle she put things that were more negotiable and so on until she go to the outer circle where she put things she didn’t care about.

People are mixed bags but acceptance depends on what they’re mixed about; how and when.
Nancy finally saw she could accept a few of mixed-bag parts of her husband in the fourth and fifth circles.  She also saw that most of his mixed-bag actions were in the bull’s eye.  He was narcissistic, toxic, bullying and abusive.  He was relentlessly critical and never cared what she thought, felt or wanted.  

In the bull’s eye, hitting, even once, was intolerable.  So were verbal and emotional abuse.  She had no tolerance for his going out with other women and then demanding supper the moment he came home.  No emotional affairs whether they were physical affairs or not.  Also, she’d control all the money she made.  Most important, when she said “No” to sex, her “No” meant “No!”

She saw he never gave what she wanted most.  She even saw that the other people he’d gathered in their life didn’t care about her as a person.  They only cared about her as his slave or servant to do the work and to accept the verbal and physical beatings and control with a smile.

Her decision to remove him from her personal space became blindingly obvious, even though carrying it out was hard work.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling