Sneaky, seductive narcissists use many tactics to be the center of attention and to lure us into becoming slaves to their feelings, their desires and their view of the world. They want to rule.
For example, Linda had been trained by her father to feel empty. She was filled only by his throwing her an emotional bone of love once in a while. She finally rebelled and severed contact, even though she still felt a gnawing emptiness.
Later, her relationship with Chuck was stormy. He charmed her with compliments and seeming adoration before subtly taking over her life; her mind, her feelings, her home, her business. Then her Spirit would rise up and she’d throw him out. In a month or so, when her loneliness became consuming, he’d start worming his way back. Then, in 3 months she’d wake up and realize he’d slowly gotten complete control of her again, and she’d throw him out. The cycle kept repeating.
Some sneaky, seductive narcissists’ tactics.
- Chuck told her he couldn’t live without her: she was the most beautiful, intelligent and funny woman he’d ever met. If she’d give him a chance, he’d prove he loved her totally. The compliments filled Linda’s inner void.
- When she felt strong enough to argue, he’d resist for days before changing the subject. He’d point out something he didn’t like about her. She’d feel guilty and be drawn into a different argument. The arguments were consuming her time and energy, and draining her Spirit. But whenever she gave up the argument, he’d reward her, be charming and she’d melt in his arms.
- Sometimes, after days of arguing, she finally forced him to admit he had narcissist tendencies. He countered with the argument that since he was trying to change, she should take him back so he could prove he’d become different.
- When she got angry, he’d promise to give her everything she wanted as soon as he could. In the meantime he’d prove it with loving words and candy, which he’d have to eat because she was diabetic. After all, he loved her just the way she was. She never had to change to please him.
Faced with new promises, how could she be sure a sneaky, seductive narcissist had changed?
In truth, we can never be sure a person has changed because we can only see the evidence in the unknown future. And even though they might have broken a million promises, maybe they’ll keep the next one. We never know.
But the more Linda filled her inner void with her own Spirit, the more the question shifted.
She saw sneaky, seductive narcissists:
- Want to be the center of attention. They want their feelings, ideas and point of view to rule.
- Want you to be engaged in arguments rather than leave. Arguments are better for them than no attention.
- Will say anything if forced to. Chuck would even take responsibility and ownership for what he’d done, but he didn’t change his behavior for long.
- Will suck us back in slowly, step-by-step, while casting a spell over our eyes.
- Will never give up. For them it’s a life-death struggle.
Linda’s question to herself changed.
The more she filled her emptiness with her Spirit, the more she thought, “Do I want to spend my time on this roller coaster? Do I want to endure bullying and abuse while I hope he’ll change? Are there other people who’ll love and adore me nicely?”
Finally, she said, “”Enough!” She dumped Chuck for good and went looking for someone where the loving was easy. After all, she was beautiful, intelligent and funny. And no longer needy. Of course, after enduring a period of loneliness, she found someone wonderful.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
- Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
- Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.