Connie had been down this road many times before and she felt the way she’d always felt: frustrated and angry, defeated and hopeless; she’d never win.

She’d been together with her boyfriend for six months and it seemed they had the same fight every few days.  He’d criticize her or make some nasty remark or he’d be sarcastic and tell her she was dumb, or he’d tell he she’d better do what he wanted or else.

Then she’d argue back and, eventually, she’d blow up and start cursing him.  Then he’d be delighted when he attacked her for cursing, “No nice, caring, spiritual person would curse that way.  She had a real problem with her mouth and she should work on it.  How could he be nice to a person who cursed at him?”

Connie always felt guilty then.  She did want to control her mouth more.  Maybe she wasn’t as good and spiritual as she thought?  Maybe she should do something to make it up to him?

The problem with the relationship was him, not with her finally getting frustrated, angry and cursing.
Yes, Connie did want to stop getting so angry and cursing.  But she finally saw that each time the cycle began with him being negative, critical, controlling, bullying and abusive.  Her problem continued when she tried to get him to stop or she tried to defend herself or she tried to win an argument.

Eventually she’d get so frustrated, she’d curse.  Then that he could change the subject to focus on her cursing.  They’d never talk about his original negative, bullying behavior.  And he’d win.

How could Connie win?

  1. She’d never win if winning meant that she had to convince him to admit he was wrong.  No matter how logical and rational she was, no matter how many good arguments she had, he’d never admit defeat.  He’d never let her win the argument.  Why should he.
  2. The easiest way for her to win is to stop playing with a jerk.  Dump him immediately.  When Connie was a child, she could never win an argument when her father treated her the same way.  Then she was stuck because, as a child, she couldn’t leave.  But now she was an adult.  She had a job, money, credit cards, a car and friends.  She could leave or she could throw him out, depending on the situation.  And they didn’t have children yet to complicate the situation.
  3. Then she could turn her back on him and focus on changing her standards for picking boyfriends.  She could find ones that weren’t controlling bullies.  And she could learn to use her frustration, when she had it, as motivation to find real solutions to her problems.

Connie didn’t have to be perfect according to a toxic bully in order to be treated nicely.

Clear and simple.  Not necessarily easy.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation.  The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

  1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
  2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

AuthorBen Leichtling