Let’s analyze a worst-case scenario for loving, caring parents. You were pretty good parents but one of your children has turned out toxic – not a psychopath but someone who acts like she (or he) hates you.

It’s not your fault, but she blames you for not giving her everything she wanted or wants now, she’ll be sweet one moment and then abusive, vicious and hateful the next, she harasses and bullies you relentlessly when she wants something; she tries to involve the rest of the family in her schemes and feuds. Or her boyfriend or husband hates you and she goes along with it and it gets worse every year. And they’re narcissistic losers; they barely have enough money and you know that they’ll leech off you forever if you let them.

It breaks your heart, but finally you realize that you can’t help by giving them what they can’t earn themselves. They’ll bleed you dry and still blame their problems on you. They’ll bully and abuse you forever if you let them. So you expect to live your whole life with the emotional pain of knowing that, despite your best efforts, you planted a bad seed. But at least you can distance yourself physically and monetarily.

But that’s not the worst-case. The worst-case is when that toxic child has children. Your daughter has let you play with your grandchild, let you grow to love him and vice versa. Of course he loves you; you’re the sane rock in his life. He’s safe around you – no craziness, no yelling and screaming, no lies and broken promises, and no anxiety, brutality or manipulation of his affections like in his interactions with his mother and father. You treat him with loving kindness and he can trust what you say. When he’s with you he’s not stressed out; not blamed, guilty and abused for everything he does wrong.

The worst-case is when your daughter starts blackmailing you emotionally. She won’t let you see your grandchild unless you play her games and give her everything she wants. She raises the ante every day. You know she lies to your grandchild about you and why he doesn’t see you. It’s worse if she’s divorced because then you get jerked around and thrust in the middle by her ex-spouse and his family.

You love your grandson. He’s important to you, you’re important to him and you hope you can be a lifeline to help him make a better life than the chaos he’s growing up in. But no matter what you do, it’ll be wrong and your daughter will blame and abuse you. There will be days when you want to run away, leave no forwarding address, change your names and fingerprints, get new social security numbers and telephones. But you won’t because of the hope you can help your grandson.

What can you do to stop the bullying and extricate yourself from a horrible situation?

Usually there’s little you can do legally. It’s hard to exercise “grandparents rights” if your daughter or her spouse won’t let you. You can consult a lawyer and learn to document enough evidence to show delinquency and neglect so you can get custody, but that’s a faint hope.
You have to make one of the hardest decisions for anyone; how much will you sacrifice in order to get any time with your grandson? Realize that no matter what you decide, your heart will be broken thousands of times until he’s independent and maybe even for your whole life. Recognize also that nothing you do will change your daughter – this pain and violence to your spirit will go on as long as she has any control over your grandson. Understand that she will trample any boundaries you think you’ve set.
There is no magic bullet that will cure her. You won’t bring her to her senses, help her to act reasonably and consistently, make her to keep her promises, convert her to see that the child is better off with you or get her away from a controlling husband. Even if you act reasonably, she won’t. You’ll never understand why she does what she does; she’s selfish, nasty and changeable from moment to moment. You’ll be embroiled in her painful games and anger as long as she controls your grandson. Each episode will rip you apart.
Suppose you choose to get as much time with your grandson as you can; what are the best things you can do to help him? Most people choose this path. After all, how can we give up, turn our backs and live with our broken hearts?

In a loving couple, most grandparents differ over how much time and money they’re willing pay and how much pain they can stand for the privilege of seeing their grandchild. Love each other and keep working with that difference, knowing that both your hearts are broken anew every day. Don’t let this drive a wedge between you.

Plant seeds in your grandchild. He sees the truth but he’s told by his parents that his vision is wrong. He needs to learn to trust his vision. He needs you to tell him that what he sees about his home and parents is true. He’s not crazy – he didn’t do anything to deserve it; it’s not his fault; it’s just the way it is. That won’t confuse him; that’ll reinforce his confidence and self-esteem. He needs to know who’s jerking all of you around and the price you all have to pay as long as he’s in their clutches.

Collude with him to lie to his parents. Strong children – survivors – sense what they need to do in order to stay safe in a chaotic and hostile world. For example; he can’t say he’s having too much fun with you; that he loves you too much; that he’d rather be with you. He already knows what he has to hide.

Make a safe place for his heart and his favorite stuff. With you, he can dream big and not get his dreams crushed or used against him. Keep your promises consistently. Let him express his frustration and anger. Anger is better than apathy or depression. You can express your helplessness. At your home, don’t let him use the tactics he sees at your daughter’s home. Appeal to his better nature. Be very gentle with correction and discipline; he gets yelled at enough at home.

Prepare him emotionally and spiritually for the future. The more he can ignore his crazy parents, the better. Keep a spark alive in him that by biding his time, one day he’ll get free. He has to stop the bully in his head. When he’s 18 (to pick a number) he can leave and make his own way. Remind him of all the great and wonderful people who escaped from cages and prisons. He owes your toxic daughter, his mother, absolutely nothing.

Prepare him economically for the future. For him to live free he must plan to become monetarily independent. Depending on his brains and talents, he has to develop a marketable skill, even if his parents don’t like it and he has to do it in secret. Help him do that now and when he leaves home.

You’re unique – make up your tactics as you go along. Get support to vent and help to plan.

Many children are too weak to overcome their toxic parenting. But there are always some who are invulnerable to horrible circumstances, some who keep that spark alive and get free from the cage or prison they’ve been trapped in.

Your heart insists that you try to help your grandchildren. For clear examples, read in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the studies of how Kathy, Doug, Jake and Carrie got away from manipulative or toxic parents. Also, see the example of teenage Stacy bullying her mother.

In almost all cases where the child flies free, they never look back and neither do their grandparents. If they or you look back, you’ll be turned into pillars of salt.

Endure the pain because of the hope. Good luck.

Imagine that you have a new boyfriend who seems wonderful and you’re looking forward to a romantic Valentine’s Day. But in your past relationships you were harassed, bullied, controlled and abused. You finally realize you have a tendency to pick the wrong guys. What should you look for with this new one and what should you do if you see any warning signs? Step back and take a look at how he treats people now. Don’t listen to any of his reasons, explanations or excuses. Look only at his actions. Everyone can blow up once a year under extreme pressure, so count how often he behaves that way. Look for patterns.

Test him now … before it’s too late.

Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you?

Does he push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what he wants?
Does he make the rules and control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on? Does he think that his sense of timing and rules of proper conduct are the right ones?
Do his standards rule? Is your “no” not accepted as “no?” Is he always right and you’re always wrong? Is sex always when and what he wants and for his pleasure? Is his sense of humor always right? Does he say that he’s not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive? Do your issues get dealt with or are his more important so he can ignore your concerns or wishes?
Does he control you with negativity, disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt? For example, no matter what you do, are you wrong or not good enough? Does he cut you down in subtle ways and claim that he’s just kidding? Or does he control you with his hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide?
Are you afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage? For example, do you walk on eggshells? Does he intimidate you with words and weapons? Does he threaten you, your children, your pets or your favorite things?
Are you told that you’re to blame if he’s angry? Do you feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained? In this relationship, has your self-doubt increased, while your self-confidence and self-esteem decreased?
Does he isolate you? Are you allowed to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work? Does he force you to work because he needs your money? Are you told that you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them him?
Does he need your money to make his business schemes work? Does he have a pattern of not keeping jobs, even though he blames his lack of success on other people or bad luck? Is he looking for someone to support him like he thinks he deserves?

If you answered yes to most (or even any of these questions), pull out a piece of paper and write, in big capital letters, “Bully” and “Control-Freak” and “Abuser.” Now you know what you’re dealing with. Post these signs on your mirror, car, computer and work space. Put them in your purse.

When you protest, does he promise to stop?

Whatever his reasons, if he isn’t convincing when he says he’s sorry, run away real fast.
After he promises to stop, does treat you nice for a while before the next incident?

Remember, apologies, excuses, reasons and justifications count only one time. After that, only actions count.

While bullies are courting you, until he gets you, he’ll treat you the best he’ll ever treat you. For bullies, it’s all downhill after he thinks he’s got you. How does he treat other people like:

Servers – waiters and waitresses, clerks at the movies and retail stores, people who work for airlines. Does he harass, bully and abuse them? Does he try to get something for free?
Supervisees, coworkers and vendors. Does he think they’re stupid, incompetent and lazy? Does he jerk them around? Does he retaliate viciously if he feels offended?
Acquaintances and friends? Does he keep them only if he’s the boss or center of attention? Does he have friends who have lasted? Are the relationships brutal or are they like those you’d like between equals?
His former girlfriends or ex-wives. What would they say about those relationships? Does he claim all those women were bad or rotten? Did he retaliate in the end?
His parents and siblings? Does he abuse them because they deserve it, or has he simply walked away because they’re impossible to have a good relationship with?

Don’t think you’re unique, different and safe; don’t think that he’ll never treat you that way. That’s magical thinking. A person who has mastered harassment, bullying, controlling and abusing these people, especially the helpless servers, supervisees and vendors will eventually get around to you.

What does he wish he could do to those other people?

Does he wish he could have had the strength, courage and opportunity to retaliate without bad consequences to himself?
Is he itching to take his anger or rage out on someone else (like, maybe you)?

He probably will do those things to you once he thinks you’re under his thumb – after you’re married, have children, or become dependent on his approval, permission or money.

Ignore your overwhelming feelings of true love. Don’t waste your life trying to fix him. Get rid of him now before it’s too late; before you live together, or he slowly gets you to give him control. He’s only a boyfriend. Find a better one to have all those feelings of true love with.

See the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

You’ll need an expert coach to develop specific tactics to get away while keeping your money, car, home, family, friends and job.

Spend this Valentine’s Day alone and work with your therapist or coach to prepare for a loving Valentine’s Day next year.

Of course, women harass, bully, control and abuse men just as much in their own ways, but that will be the subject of a different article.

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