Ella realized her husband had prevented her from being with people she wanted to be with. She’d finally found out he’d been overt and covert about driving her friends away. He’d ordered them not to come around or he’d lied, saying she’d said bad things about them or he wouldn’t allow her be with them. If she had fun talking with them, he’d retaliated. He’d told her bad things about them and pointed out when they’d treated her badly and she hadn’t even noticed. She was amazed how he could understand what was behind seemingly innocuous things they said or did. Funny, she never noticed at the time.
Bullies, narcissists actively keep people away from you.
The examples Ella found were the common and obvious. He was isolating her. He’d gotten away with it because he wouldn’t accept Ella’s proofs, he always had good excuses and Ella wanted to keep him happy. Why start fights? Why force him to be with people who he said insulted her or offended him? As she became isolated, she became dependent.
Bullies, narcissists repel people who want to be with you.
Then Ella realized that even new people she’d met, who seemed to like her, kept a distance or withdrew from her. Finally she saw she was facing a natural process. As long as she was with him, she’d never find people who’d want to spend time with her.
When she asked, the more straight-forward ones, who’d seemed to have a connection with her, told her the truth. Some didn’t want to expose themselves to the black cloud they sensed around her. Others said as soon as she told them about him, they recognized a rotten apple. He was bullying and abusive; he always made her leave in the middle of fun to attend to him. He controlled her, he’d try to control them. He was always right and had to be worshipped as the center of everyone’s world. They didn’t want to be around that.
One rotten apple will spoil a whole barrel.
They told Ella it was like she was carrying an infectious disease. She was ravaged and exhausted. Who wants to be exposed to that? Or they could see she was tormented; wrestling with what she intuited about him versus her guilt about judging someone too harshly and her need to rescue him. He was whipping her and sucking her energy. Who wants to be drawn into that movie? Or they could see being with her would be like being in one of those movies with the worst, extended-family Christmas ever. The negativity, nasty comments, hurt feelings, criticizing, arguing, yelling, backstabbing, one-upping would drive them crazy. Who wants to waste their time in that?
Ella was finally motivated. She felt she prepared a wonderful meal for wonderful friends but he was sitting in all the chairs around the table. And he felt justified. Who wants to be invited when all the chairs are taken? No matter how wonderful Ella was, and they said she was, there was no room for anyone else in his inn.
Ella realized she’d allowed this to happen to her before.
In the past, she’d struggled but finally gotten away. This time she realized he wanted many children. If she did that, she be trapped forever. Or at least, the degree of difficulty of getting away would be much greater. She’d have more responsibility and she’d have to fight with him over the kids for the next 20 years.
That thought gave her the courage, strength and determination to go against her upbringing and his arguments. Even though she felt attracted to his flame and she couldn’t prove to his satisfaction he was trying to enslave her, she followed her gut and got free.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.