Traci’s Spirit was crushed by her husband. He was in complete control. To him, marriage meant she was his “squaw” or slave; she was his property. He never asked her opinion; she never got to vote. Her job was to wait on him; to stand in the corner until he told her to do something and then she had to jump.
Whenever she asked for anything, he either said “no” outright, or said “I’ll see” and then never would talk about it again, or said “yes” but at the last minute changed his mind and told her she couldn’t do it and she should stop nagging him. She finally realized he enjoyed tormenting her by making sure she knew that her wants, needs and feelings were never to be expressed or fulfilled. The very fact that she wanted something showed she was uppity, aggressive and didn’t know her place. He was the head of their marriage and he decided everything.
Their therapist told her she wanted too much from a man; she should settle for what he was.
The therapist said her husband was a decent person: he didn’t beat her too much and he didn’t rape her too often. Her therapist said it’s normal for men to be in charge, to be demanding of their wives, to want their wives to give in and let them control everything, and not to do anything they didn’t want with the children.
Traci should submit and be a loving, docile wife. Men were often selfish, bullying, abusive and narcissistic. A good wife should dance around her husband, manipulate him to get what she wanted to get what she wanted and she should never hurt his feelings. If Traci want more, she was expecting too much.
Her husband gleefully said, “See!”
Don’t settle for what offends/crushes your Spirit.
Traci’s Spirit was fighting for her life. Traci was saying, “No:” She was not a slave, a “squaw” or even a servant. That’s not the kind of marriage she wanted. She was a person with her own desires, rights and dignity.
She realized she’d never tell her daughters to settle for the role their father wanted for her.
She’d be appalled if they wanted to marry men like their father. She got so angry, she challenged the therapist right there in the session. She told the therapist she pitied her if that was what she accepted from her husband. If that’s what the therapist thought, she had no business being a therapist. And she rushed out, crying at her own audacity.
Traci’s outrage finally carried her into action.
She told her husband and their therapist that if 75% of men are the way that therapist said, her degree of difficulty would be higher, but she’d weed through the 25% to find the one she wanted. She told her husband she would not accept that treatment. She had a duty to their daughters to show them they must demand and expect better.
On her own, she saw a divorce lawyer to see what she had to do to make her husband responsible for the children’s support and education, and her support until she could support herself. He was a successful financial advisor and could afford that. She hired a forensic investigator to track down all their money before he could hide it
The next time he tried to force sex on her, she resisted until he hit her. She called the police and made sure he got a record. She didn’t feel the least bit guilty and she was too angry to be scared into submission.
Her daughters were astonished and impressed.
They’d never thought that women could stand up to men. They’d thought they were second-class citizens. Now, they had a model of a first-class mother who was willing to suffer in order not to be crushed.
Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.